THINK

So then my next call. This persons boyfriend returned after a week away at the The Hoffman Process. I know nothing about this although the name was familiar to me. I have had a little read.
Anyway she has been quite stunne by such a different person coming homw. From a man who was not at all engaged to a man she doesn't know at all, she seemed quite surprised. She had got to a point of telling hin that either he made changes or there was no relationship. A week away and he seems so totally differnt. She wanted an intense conversaiton with him about this. I wondered if that was neccessary and perhaps it is a time to start dating and observe herslef with this new version of the same man. They hadn't planned anything for the day and she had her meeeting to attend, work to do, her sister to respond to as well as arranging time with him and time for herself. Thank goodness for the choice to weigh and measure time and acitvities as well as weighing and measuring food. Gosh! How this teaches more than just about managing food addiction.
Also she has such a difficult time with her sisters condition. It's so demanding on her. And her parents too. The helplessness of someone elses state is so terribly draining. I know this myself after really experiencing the aftermath of having taken on someon else's stress. It's so automatic I don't even know how I do it. It's odd really because within my professional role I am constantly cheking that I am not absorning someone else's emotions and often accutely aware when I have taken it on. I can feel stuck and not know what to do and not even know why I am feeling that way. When I have this sort of confusion it's often because it's not my stuckness. This week, a call came in from one of the thousands of doctors surgeries we've mailed. Immediately, PD was uplifte in mood. He was actually quite directive in a different way. He's prescriptive towards me anyway. I know I can be a bit of a buffoon with his sytems to begin with but once they are driven in I follow them. Ina similar way to my dad because of his need for perfection, the fact that I amde a few errors to begin with emans that he continues to distrust that I will do "it" right, whatever "it" might be at the time.
Anyhow, returning to the matter of absornbing his stress, as he became incredibly lifted and suddenly okay, I plumetted in my mood. Feeling heavy and frankly on the floor, I wondered what the hell had happened. I had been trunling along feeling okay about everything despite emotions of altering highs and lows. Not hyper-high, just the usual rambling ups and downs. But what I hadn't detected was the stress I'd been absorbing. I've been complaining of a back ache like I've never expeienced before. From the neck right to the base. It's complete in it coverage. Thankfully a friend is giving me a massage on Sunday. Phewee.
What I don't know is how I absorb the stress. It's not mine. I am stressed about my srudying but not about much else. So maybe having this area of stress leaves me vulnerable to absorbing someone else's stress. Who nkows. The point is that I take it all on.
G suggested I read To Wives in the Big Book. I started reading it and related to the anger and frustration, the helplessness and the drain of someone else. PD is also eating oout of control again this week rather than restricting and attempting to be i control. He keeps being interested in what I'm doing but then isn't because there are certain things he doesn't want under any circumstances to let go of. Eating out freely is one of those things. It just refelcts me to me all of the time. I was like that. I thought it was far too resticting. Just as the idea of never having a drink again (over 12 years ago now I thought that) was just ridulous. I kept on doing it my way and having things the way I wanted them but couldn't sustain that and when it went out of control I was so desperate and miserable. Eventually I gave in to the fact that I am a food addict and that I cannot eat like other people eat. And as a result of this I today have a fereedom I never knew was possible. The ties are being severed.
Anyway with E this morning I could hear the absorption of others and the concern too. She had interefered yesterday between her parents. All with good intention but the outcome has caused more issue although a not near the extent of the discomfort in connection with erh sister. I share with her the THINK before you speak acronym I picked up last week.
T - is it TRUE?
H - is is HELPFUL?
I - is it INSPIRING?
N - is it NECESSARY?
K is it KIND?

Gosh how that NECESSARY is so necessary for me to consider more than just once when slowing down to think of this THINK. I remember one of the big problems for me last year with L was when I stepped in to speak for SH who wanted cover in L's absence. I really didn;t think it was necessary but decided to back SH up because I trusted her more than L and alo it was in the fight against L. So I took over the battle. I stated the case why we needed cover. L trusted me and fought too for this. Then the cover was PD. He wondered why we had cover. I didn;t own with him that I had insisted and neither actually did SH I noticed now in hindsight. What's more she allowed me to have the battle. Why wouldn't she I suppose? Anyway I recognise today my fear of owning to PD that I had insisted and being judged  by him a a whimp. So off he trotted to the managers office in his way I expect showing L up. I was so annoyed with him for interfering, still being the bloody manager when all he was was the sessional. I didn't say anything about that either. As a result L got a bollocking and from then on didn't trust me. No doubt she felt like she'd been let down and set up. It set the precendent between her and I believe. I have to keep havng this lesson of stepping up as the protector, the saviour, the spokes-person. In itself that would be okay if I really belieed in what i was standing up against. But mainly it's a sort of codependene, Often I think wanting that person to like me. I will avoid saying what I really think.
It's improving though. And I'm learning to keep my mouth closed and consider the situation and my point of view. I can always return to it and not need to say anything there at the time.
So with E, she seemed to like THINK. I do too.

Another helpful call for me.

Bliss
x
 

Universal truths

At a very young age, well that's how it seems to me now, my dad told me that women are only good for one thing and on a separate occasion told me that men only want one thing. I made it my business to meet the demand even though I was horrified to think that women were only good for one thing. I wanted to be good for more than one thing, I really wanted to be accepted as me. The problem was that having set a career on meeting men's demands meant that unconsciously and subtly I was eroding away at the me bits. Despite screaming inside it was masked by confusion of not really ever feeling good enough and the louder voice that actually being me was  not what was actually wanted.
So today I am less and less surprised that men seem to think it is okay to send my pictures of their body parts. I have a large collection on peni, assuming the latin law for the plural of such words. I jokingly suggest that I will make a collage of these photos and post in FB for the men to see if they can identify themselves. It's mildly amusing but deep down the reality of this is hitting home.
The deep remorse I am feeling for my behaviours over the years is centred around the many failed relationships. Oddly the sense of remorse isn't because of the actual ending of the relationships anymore. That was always the sense of shame I seemed to carry. Another family motto, I think posited by my mum was "you make your bed, you lie in it". And also there was this till death us do part sort of commitment which I think was more of a silent rule. It's similar to the work ethic of being a reliable and loyal employee until death and only being of sick if one has riga mortis. Again said jokingly but I took it, whether it was meant or not, with an element of truth. And of course these things become the universal truth. When in reality there is a partial truth in everything, it is not THE truth. Something actually G would mention too and was raised by V this morning in our committed call. I had forgotten that the committed call was for shared time not just to support him and in my egotistical manner being the one person who can help him into recovery. I feel a degree of that with T too and forget that it's actually friendship with these people that's the important thing for me. I just want them to be happy whatever they are doing and want to be able to support them however they are doing.
A slight deviation there. Apologies. So this weekend, once again I have been sitting with a lot of remorse within my grief and also my loneliness. I can see how over these years there has been a gradual peeling off of layers with each choice that I have made involving men.
As a younger person, ad I'd like to think it was my teens but I can remember being interested in a young boy called David at age 7 yrs. He came for tea and my mum liked him because he took his cap off. I was pleased that eh pleased my mum, it was some acceptance of me somehow. And that links in with several choices of males throughout my life that my parents simply didn't like. And on reflection, I see of course how inappropriate they were. But in my dogged attitude and need at the time I determinedly wanted them and had them. In turn this brought other situations about, involving money and loss of it later on, heart ache, troubles. In all shapes and sizes there was some related chaos around my choices. I see how disappointing I was to my parents and sadly I didn't have enough recovery to change this before my dad died. Even with another relationship entered into whole heartedly too fast. But I was so grateful for his support during that very troubling time. Thank you G. God if there's anyway of letting him know how grateful I am despite being uncomfortable even then with some of his approaches and attitudes. The writing was clearly on the wall for me but it was more than I could deal with at that time and as usual I wanted the male company.
That has driven so much, that desperation to be approved of by men coupled with the belief that I needed to be good at being sexy. The irony is that I do not feel as if I am sexy or attractive woman. people say I am but to be honest I think they just say that to make me feel better. Who is going to say, after all, yes you're ugly. At least I'm not fat and ugly. The thing is, I also know that if I'm living by my principles, I feel better about myself. Feeling better about myself, I like myself and when I like myself I feel attractive. The unattractiveness really started with G as I was crossed my principle but as usual was compelled by his attention. I am so easily flattered. even though I was already questioning why I would find this man attractive. I could see his anger and negativity written all over his face. Literally. And his gossip was there from the beginning. I overlooked all of that for the approval of a man which I was getting. And then to have sex and for him to say it was the best ever, just fed my ego. I really did get yet another level of intimacy with G. I learnt so much with JH. That was the first time within the willingness to do as I was told as his slave, that I could allow myself to enjoy the sex. I wanted to please him and then was rewarded by being allowed to feel good myself. I see really well hos that worked. The thing is I don't want any of that outside of a committed relationship. And by committed I realise I don't mean an assurance of this is for lie but a commitment to work at it together. To create some security that at the first problem there will not be a tendency to run off or escape facing the issues by ignoring them or using something or someone else. The commitment is in facing the situations honestly and openly together. No deceit as best as can be. I know I am terrified and of what I don't always know so the honesty isn't necessarily immediate. And yet I demand absolute honesty and openness. I am seeing how unreasonable I've been and how unfair.But if there's a trust between us developing then he could start to trust that I will get honest as I can and I can trust that he will too. But so long as we're both able to talk about things at that level, be accountable and take responsibility. These are all layers peeling back for me to see and understand.
It's growth.
I feel that the remorse can lift as I start to live by changing ways. I don't have to keep doing the same thing and actually at my fathers deathbed I was doing the same thing and feeling consciously uncomfortable with it yet compelled to continue. I need someone there on my side actually and G was. I don't think any friend would have been able to be available at the same degree.
Thank you God for providing what I need at the right time always.
This is an area that is so complex.
I was just talking with E and she articulated an experience I attempted to explain to G. He wanted sex. I just didn't feel at all connected with him. There had been grumpy times between us, probably for some weeks. And suddenly he was all friendly and flirty. It felt nice. I joined in. The I realised that actually he wanted sex. I felt duped and dirty. I said no but was scared to and sure enough it resulted in him reverting to grumpy and even grumpier - an argument and criticism etc. No doubt for him there was rejection involved. I had thought that my needing more than just the desire of me sexually was connected with my years of acting out sexually. I mean with a virtual ( as in barely knowing them rather than the knewest meaning of virtual and meaning not in person) stranger I can be sex orientated for a extended period of time. It's all that matters initially in a way. But I have this less obvious agenda of wanting to be loved and cherished and by giving of myself that's what I expect in return. Of course, that's not in the mind of the man. At least I don't think so. So hen G wanted sex he wasn't used to the rejection. Coupled with his own insecurities around sex I am guessing this was a more than unpleasant situation.
I tried to explain that I need to feel connected and intimate to be able to have sex. But that would be counter to initial experiences when soon after getting together we were in bed together. I am disappointed that with LW I entered into the whole sexual thing but have pulled back. A line has been crossed but with him there is no chance of anything developing because he lives there and I live here. It's all virtual. So I have been able to say no and he still pushes and teases. I flirt a little back but keep away from anything full blown. It's tantalising and at times I flit in the the fantasy that somehow we could get together. I get jealous when he talks about my attractive friends. An indication to me that I am investing a little more than I'd like to make out I am.
I can talk about this I guess. But in the main I am practising getting back to my principles all the time. I want to live by the standards that feel righteous and then I feel better about myself. I like myself and when I like myself I feel like an attractive person and I'm likable by all whether they like me or not.

So that early message was absorbed and I set about living by it. It was my dads truth. I've learnt from PW that he was the randiest man he had ever known. I witnessed him with women too. I do wonder how my mum put up with it. I wonder why she left him soon after they were married. I have always wondered, even as a little person, why they got married so quickly. It was 6 months and then they were married. I believe my mum was on the rebound from her cricketing, wealthy boyfriend from Ottershaw. What was his name again? As a little girl I often used to wish he was my dad even though I realised I wouldn't have been me if he had been. Even then I didn't want to be. I'd give up me if life could be better. How sad.
Anyhow, I see all of this as the way forward. After a few weekends of a lot of remorse, I'm suddenly seeing a way forward. Thank you God (of my understanding). I feel lighter as a result.
I feel dreadful that with ML I have always said that so long as I have a roof over my head then she has too. But because G didn't like her suddenly that was not the truth anymore. Now he's gone it is the truth. But how on earth can she trust that. I understand. I am sorry but it seems pointless saying sorry. I don't trust myself right now that I am strong enough to make that promise and really keep it. So all I can do is  work at changing and being more reliable. I wasn't so available to AB either. I don't want to return to spending so much time, needing her. So I will develop my life but be more measured and spend time with her but not needing her. She is more understanding that when a person is in a relationship they inevitably spend less time with friends. It is a compromise. It's not a slight. I understand. With AM she has a boyfriend and a baby and is less and less available. So I have called her and made an arrangement to meet up. I do miss her of course. And sometimes I eel a little resentful and then remember. All my friends that have had babies are like that. And when they get into a relationship too. The problem is I'm afraid of being alone and need to nurture myself better.
It was so good that I kept to my committed date with myself yesterday. A beautiful sunset walk, this time around a little areas of Chidham rather than Thorney Island. Just nest door. Somehow being there by the sea is very soothing. I keep thinking I would like to be places where I can find wild flowers. There are loads there but instead of seeking out names I'm just looking at them. I should remember the shapes and the leaves as G started teaching me and looking them up. Perhaps I will. But I don't think my nook is extensive enough. I will hopefully find a very good pocket version that i an carry around in the car. I'm tired of taking photos of them.
I took some photos that need editing but right now I am clearer to study so I'm going to.

Thank you God for this process. When I've been feeling lazy I really have only been lazy with my studying and getting to bed early. But I haven't been a lazy person. Processing emotions is not lazy. It's time consuming and exhausting. It's not the easy option. It would have been lazy of me to not have followed through with my commitment to friends on Saturday evening or my date with myself last evening. It would be lazy if I don't follow through with my commitment to read this morning then after lunch to go shopping and a walk with AB early evening when cooler.

I will call her now to arrange these things so at least I know the plan for the day. And then get on with a 30 minute study session before a short break and then another session.

Bliss
XX


 

Reconciling the Plateau

I saw a woman today. Very neat, in fact well presented but ageing. Probably in her 60's she looked great but ageing. And for a minute I felt great until I thought how I will be when I'm looking that age. And am that age.
I went through a few years of real grief and horror actually around the ageing process. It was during the hormonal changes as well which I never know whether to say when I was menopausal or am I in menopause now coz it's all over bar the singing. Who knows? Anyway during that time the ageing situation seemed horrendous. And then I read something like this above which was posted  by my Auntie whose daughter died just over a year ago aged just 42 years of age. Another one who died around her birthday. I do see a general pattern to this. My dad died 18 days before his birthday. My mum died a month after her birthday. My Nana died just after her birthday in March 1973. And so on.
Anyhow I an gloat about older woman and then remember that I will get there. And actually I love what this little Buddhist script says. Be grateful for getting older as it's a privilege not afforded to everyone. Some people die so young. My mum was young really, compared with life expectancy these days. My dad was nearly 85 yrs of age. I feel sad at moments but mainly I feel so much anger and am glad he's dead. The loss I feel is for the inheritance I didn't get. Am I really surprised? No, not at all. He didn't like me, had little respect for me. And in some moments I think that's what I deserved because I have been in my using a complete idiot. Thank goodness for the programme of recovery because I have a chance of not dying in the mess my dad has died in - so much hurt and resentment. It's all with me but it's related to him.

Anyway I can't be bothered to write anymore about this tonight. I'm tired ft if, tired of me and tired after a busy day. I am having increasing thoughts of being tired of living.
Imagine if my legacy was this Blog. There would be a few surprised people. I must leave notice somewhere of it. The truth may be best kept to myself. Or maybe someone like JB would make use of this to write a story. I think I will leave the Blog to him. Even the bits about him. I wouldn't want him to be hurt though as JB is truly a nice man. Infuriating but truly a kind heart.

Which is more than I can feel for G right now. He's keeping a sort of text contact but yesterday said he didn't want to talk long. He said the novelty has worn off and we know each other now. I am lead to wonder then if he needs that thrill and starting a novelty somewhere else. I am very untrusting. But something tells me that something has radically changed in recent days. One minute we were talking fine and the next a real mood and withdrawal. I am withdrawing too feeling unsafe. I think we are actually destroying anything that's been good and that truly saddens me. It's then that my heart longs and hurts. And yet he's manner can be cutting and nasty. His moods are tiresome. He's deceitfulness leaves me feeling suspicious. Understandably then that M might be suspicious of me. If I can lie about one thing to someone I am capable of it anywhere. And I think the same about G. He is deceitful with D. She suspects and of course so do I. He told me anyway that I am told what I need to know.
That's no way for me to relate with someone. There I am listening to someone torn in a relationship that is ruining her life and I am thinking I do the very same thing. I do want to read Enduring Love.
When will I make a decision that's right for me. Please Universe show me what to do and how to do it so that there is limited damage please. You are showing me time and time again that this isn't right for me. Then I doubt me thinking I am being unreasonable all the time.
Phew it's hard being me and hence I really just want to give up trying anymore. A cosy death seems favourable Universe. Is this how it's meant to be?
I am grateful for a good days therapy.  am grateful for a chat with IC. He reminded me how I need to take care of myself and not get absorbed in the work to heal me.
It's just incredibly difficult right now.
Oh and there might be people gossipping because of photos on FB. Well that'll truly piss G off. I think I will remove them


Bliss
XX

Volcanoising the monsters

I think the rage is subsiding. Or was it the disbelief of my Auntie O?
I think I've heard enough from others.
I have been angry and lashing out a bit. I don't know what else to do with my anger.
I lashed out by spreading the word about my dad. I wanted people to know he treated me horribly and that some of my monsters under my bed were put there, they weren't just from the inside of me. (Stephen King quote posted by a friend on FB).
What am I angry about? I'm angry because my dad has treated me unkindly for as long as I can remember. He might not think it was unkind but to me it was. Things from a little girl such as giving all the other kids a helicopter swing but not me. So in the greater scheme of things he was giving me a whole heap of things all of the time. But standing there waiting expectantly when all the other kids were enjoying it, I felt rejected, left out and hurt. It's been like that ever since. he would be running around for other people but would be moody with mum and I. Everyone appeared to come before us.Yet I know too he worked hard and so on. It's difficult not to minimise the feelings. I'm no longer sure what to do with which. I get the feeling that FA say quieten the negativity. Step away from it. I suppose so long as I don't ignore that it's there.
I wonder what Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo would say. I might write to her. But what would I say.
Dear Jetsunma.
I have been floundering in rage these past weeks. Since my dads death T, his wife has infuriated me by what seem to be unkind gestures. I truly believe she has been jealous all of these years and furthermore I feel certain she has been lied to about me. I wonder if she even knows the times my dad has met up with me.
And it feels so unjust that he would have been telling her things about me, making her dislike me. But I think I've tried to emphasise things about my dad so that people know how difficult its been for me. It similar. The thing is the things he did to me when I was younger I think are despicable. He put the monsters under my bed. But I then bred my own. And I cultured his dislike for me by irrational decisions and bad behaviour. I was using alcohol and drugs. It seems my mum had told Auntie O. I was a nightmare. As I listen to a clients parents describing what's going on for them I just feel so sad for the confusion and sadness my mum must have felt. It's difficult not to take it personally. I know only too well and my dad would not have had any resources to think differently.
He was a disturbed man of that I'm certain.
I've been raging particularly since he disinherited me. It was the biggest insult of them all. But no different really from all of the others throughout my life. I cannot forgive him for that right now. I feel furious and the powerlessness of not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to reason with him because he's fucked off. Kaputt! Snuffed it! Dead! And I'm glad. I feel dreadful for saying that  but at the same time it's true.
I never thought I could feel like this about death. I get pangs of sorrow when I think I'll never meet hi for a coffee again. I'll never receive a card from him again or a cheque. I knew this Christmas it was the last one. I do have these senses. Perhaps it was just with my parents. I soprt of knew about my mum yet was pissed off to learn that everyone was told in advance but me. And my dad didn't give credit for change when LW called him to tell him uncle B had died. And my dad told LW that I was too unwell to be informed, unstable. Fucking git! He was stuck in a rut from old old old times. He was a fucking bastard. He never gave me credit for anything. As I write that I think well I was a fuckwit. I wasn't. I did some things throughout my life that were misguided, but I was fucked up and he was a p[art of that. There is no separation and I'm angry that he didn't take any responsibility just blamed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! That's the injustice. He blamed me! He never ever looked at himself. There isn't a word I know that describes the emotion that goes with that. What is the word???? I need someone to identify with it and describe it to help me get it out of me. It's like it's stuck in my throat and it's blocking me from moving forward. At least I can describe it but I want someone to identify with it.


An email to a friend ...
"I know for me I start out with the best intentions. And I could even keep it going for a while. Which would lull me intoa false sense of security. So good at kidding myself. And gradually gradually it would build up until I'd be right back into the overeating involving lots of sugar and flour products. I strongly witness in me a problem with sugar and flour products and quantity. I am now a year and half free of that and have maintained a steady weight of between 120 - 124 pounfs. God am I relieved. I feel okay aboutmy body and can wear any clothes without trying different combinations. I would have a very few "fat" clothes because really I jst wanted to be covered and hidden and didn't like the clothes themselves. Nothing looked good anyway. I was lacking in confidence. All crazy thinking of course but it was all led by the overeating. Now I have a few combinations of nice clothes. I can't afford many but it doesn't matter because I can wear any. It doesn't stop me still being crazy i my thinking but it gives me an opportunity to  work on that. Always working towards imprving self and more and more freedom.
Right now has been a particularly crazy time. Raging with my father and with it I've raked up a lot of horrid memories from the past. But I think I'm beginning to see how I'm hanging on to the rage and turmoil. It doesn't do much good anymore. So I woke up this morning realising I have needed to vent it but now it's time to start calming. I prefer the balanced, peaceful way.
Things are irregular with G. We are meeting today. But I don't think I want to be in this in/out style relationship. I think I want to say to him that I'd like to slow everything down. No staying for nights on end. NO smoking in my flat. And there are a number of things. We have already gone way beyond the sex thing so I think it's impossible to back ttrack on that. I don't think he'll take it too well. But I really feel it's right for me. The problem is I'm so hooked on fear of what people think and their reactions. I don't want any enemies and yet I end up with them for being me. There must be a way of doing things that means we can be friends. I loe him as my friend. I am not in love with him. I don't love too many people and yet I can love everyone just for being human. G is a special man. He truly is and I love him for that. I wouldn't want him any other way but there are just so many things I don't want over ruling my own life and I do take them on. Until I can not take things on as my own I can't go on as we are. I don't know if I can learn this without being in the relationship. I'm sure I can."

Hmmm - I think I need a drink, some quiet meditation and wash and brush up, a tidy up and then G will be here.
What I really want to say to him is that I do not want endless nights of him staying here. I want to slow things down a lot more. I don't like the in/out relationship style we have. It's a part of who we both are but it doesn't have to be. I don't want to be doing that to him. Is he preapred to slow it all down with me? I want him in my life. I really do. He's an amazing man. I want to do things with him and be with him but not all the time. I do not want to be with anyone else. I do want time with my friends and those I choose, and to go to meetings and get up early and have some time on my own. I also want time with him. It's not a matter on not knowing what I want it's a matter of not wanting to be so crazy but how to get there. And I'm so controlled by fear.
I'm afraid of his anger and a bad reaction. He does over react taking things very personally. I suppose it is poersonal when I say I don't want smoking in my flat. And I'm tired of his mess. I'm messy enough on my own but he's really messy.

I'm not clear because the fear sets in. I've agreed to meet without checking it with anyone else. Self-willed and the result is he wants skin on skin. I'm uncertain as it just leads to being back where we started in my thinking. Yet I'll do it for the sake fo fear. Universe please help me with what you are showing me. I don't want to be awkward and clumsy but I'm giving mixed messages.
I do not want to give a mixed message. But I also don't know how to be clear.
At least the rage seems to be subsiding. It rises in me like a volcano and explodes.Erupting all over the place.
I want to depict that.
I'm going to somehow. I think I might make a mosaic. And what about my studying? Hmm. I guess I'll have this day off. And tomorrow morning ad start when I get back from A's tomorrow. I'm allowed a bit of a break I guess. Where are the cheeky emoticons? ;)

Bliss
XX

 

Frexting

A text response to a response with M .. not sent as I thought better of it. Texts can be so misunderstood.

The you you you is shared with me me me time - in my opinion it is a two-way thing so I never need an apology. Actually it's part of our interaction and equality. Sometimes it might be a bit more me me me and other times you you you. Sometimes I feel disappointed or frustrated when I don't get to finish my what I'm saying. And i notice how often I do it - start immediately relating to something similar. At the same time don't stop sharing when you relate because its always valid. ill just try to say "i just need to finish what I was saying" or something like that. But that's minimal compared to the inter communication. I value your opinion - don't always like it but it is rare for me not to agree. And you sharing often gives me insight into myself. So you really do not need to apologise. It's not selfish as I interpret your "me me me" to suggest. Maybe I've misinterpreted that. And by the way it took enormous courage to say about my disappointment and I may have said it clumsily - I am such a fearful person. Practicing expressing my thoughts I suppose. Also think oh no this isn't the right format or time to say all of this. So you know what I won't. Ill save this and remember to interject when it happens and try to keep it light and breezy.
Bliss
XX

The Myth of Sisyphus

He is not poor in health who is great in soul - Albert Camus

What did I notice about me today. Well in comparison with yesterday I was feeling much more comfortable doing my style of therapy. Yesterday and even this morning I was wondering what I thought I was doing?? What the hell do I know? How can I sit and be a therapist? People come along, they talk about the things they want to talk about, I summarise and paraphrase and at times question or suggest. T for example wants to reject every idea and yet comes to me to ask if he can do this or do that? I asked him about asking permission. He didn't own it, he side-tracked it completely. He is certainly not very present or aware of the here and now. He doesn't want to go anywhere near emotions apart from as an intellectual exercise.
I wonder if he would be an ideal candidate for day care with PD. I will pose the question to him.
Oh well anyway, you know the kind of thing.
I went to therapy to get someone else to sort out my life. But that isn't really what happened. I got more information about myself. I got some understanding. That's what helped me to sort out y own life - well to some degree. It's not sorted, it's unravelling. And will be until death to us part - me from life. But the support helps me to manage on a daily basis. I remove addictive behaviours an then I'm left with the feelings and then what. Just get on with it. But sometimes I can't just anything. What on earth is it all about. It's absurdism. Trying to make sense of things that have no sense. Trying to find purpose but never finding it, always looking for it.

Sisyphus by Titian (1490-1576)

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labour. If one believes Homer, Sisyphus was the wisest and most prudent of mortals. According to another tradition, however, he was disposed to practice the profession of highwayman. I see no contradiction in this. Opinions differ as to the reasons why he became the futile labourer of the underworld. To begin with, he is accused of a certain levity in regard to the gods. He stole their secrets. Egina, the daughter of Esopus, was carried off by Jupiter. The father was shocked by that disappearance and complained to Sisyphus. He, who knew of the abduction, offered to tell about it on condition that Esopus would give water to the citadel of Corinth. To the celestial thunderbolts he preferred the benediction of water. He was punished for this in the underworld. Homer tells us also that Sisyphus had put Death in chains. Pluto could not endure the sight of his deserted, silent empire. He dispatched the god of war, who liberated Death from the hands of her conqueror. It is said that Sisyphus, being near to death, rashly wanted to test his wife's love. He ordered her to cast his unburied body into the middle of the public square. Sisyphus woke up in the underworld. And there, annoyed by an obedience so contrary to human love, he obtained from Pluto permission to return to earth in order to chastise his wife. But when he had seen again the face of this world, enjoyed water and sun, warm stones and the sea, he no longer wanted to go back to the infernal darkness. Recalls, signs of anger, warnings were of no avail. Many years more he lived facing the curve of the gulf, the sparkling sea, and the smiles of earth. A decree of the gods was necessary. Mercury came and seized the impudent man by the collar and, snatching him from his joys, lead him forcibly back to the underworld, where his rock was ready for him. You have already grasped that Sisyphus is the absurd hero. He is, as much through his passions as through his torture. His scorn of the gods, his hatred of death, and his passion for life won him that unspeakable penalty in which the whole being is exerted toward accomplishing nothing. This is the price that must be paid for the passions of this earth. Nothing is told us about Sisyphus in the underworld. Myths are made for the imagination to breathe life into them. As for this myth, one sees merely the whole effort of a body straining to raise the huge stone, to roll it, and push it up a slope a hundred times over; one sees the face screwed up, the cheek tight against the stone, the shoulder bracing the clay-covered mass, the foot wedging it, the fresh start with arms outstretched, the wholly human security of two earth-clotted hands. At the very end of his long effort measured by skyless space and time without depth, the purpose is achieved. Then Sisyphus watches the stone rush down in a few moments toward the lower world whence he will have to push it up again toward the summit. He goes back down to the plain. It is during that return, that pause, that Sisyphus interests me. A face that toils so close to stones is already stone itself! I see that man going back down with a heavy yet measured step toward the torment of which he will never know the end. That hour like a breathing-space which returns as surely as his suffering, that is the hour of consciousness. At each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate. He is stronger than his rock. If this myth is tragic, that is because its hero is conscious. Where would his torture be, indeed, if at every step the hope of succeeding upheld him? The workman of today works everyday in his life at the same tasks, and his fate is no less absurd. But it is tragic only at the rare moments when it becomes conscious. Sisyphus, proletarian of the gods, powerless and rebellious, knows the whole extent of his wretched condition: it is what he thinks of during his descent. The lucidity that was to constitute his torture at the same time crowns his victory. There is no fate that can not be surmounted by scorn. If the descent is thus sometimes performed in sorrow, it can also take place in joy. This word is not too much. Again I fancy Sisyphus returning toward his rock, and the sorrow was in the beginning. When the images of earth cling too tightly to memory, when the call of happiness becomes too insistent, it happens that melancholy arises in man's heart: this is the rock's victory, this is the rock itself. The boundless grief is too heavy to bear. These are our nights of Gethsemane. But crushing truths perish from being acknowledged. Thus, Edipus at the outset obeys fate without knowing it. But from the moment he knows, his tragedy begins. Yet at the same moment, blind and desperate, he realises that the only bond linking him to the world is the cool hand of a girl. Then a tremendous remark rings out: "Despite so many ordeals, my advanced age and the nobility of my soul make me conclude that all is well." Sophocles' Edipus, like Dostoevsky's Kirilov, thus gives the recipe for the absurd victory. Ancient wisdom confirms modern heroism. One does not discover the absurd without being tempted to write a manual of happiness. "What!---by such narrow ways--?" There is but one world, however. Happiness and the absurd are two sons of the same earth. They are inseparable. It would be a mistake to say that happiness necessarily springs from the absurd. Discovery. It happens as well that the felling of the absurd springs from happiness. "I conclude that all is well," says Edipus, and that remark is sacred. It echoes in the wild and limited universe of man. It teaches that all is not, has not been, exhausted. It drives out of this world a god who had come into it with dissatisfaction and a preference for futile suffering. It makes of fate a human matter, which must be settled among men. All Sisyphus' silent joy is contained therein. His fate belongs to him. His rock is a thing. Likewise, the absurd man, when he contemplates his torment, silences all the idols. In the universe suddenly restored to its silence, the myriad wondering little voices of the earth rise up. Unconscious, secret calls, invitations from all the faces, they are the necessary reverse and price of victory. There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. The absurd man says yes and his efforts will henceforth be unceasing. If there is a personal fate, there is no higher destiny, or at least there is, but one which he concludes is inevitable and despicable. For the rest, he knows himself to be the master of his days. At that subtle moment when man glances backward over his life, Sisyphus returning toward his rock, in that slight pivoting he contemplates that series of unrelated actions which become his fate, created by him, combined under his memory's eye and soon sealed by his death. Thus, convinced of the wholly human origin of all that is human, a blind man eager to see who knows that the night has no end, he is still on the go. The rock is still rolling. I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy. The garden of Gethsemane - where Jesus is believed to have prayed the evening before his crucifixion. Painted by Andrea Mantegna (1431-1506). There are several sites that are claimed to be the place where Jesus prayed. And Gethsemane is cited in the Bible. Fyodor Dostoyevsky (1821-1881) painted by Vasily Perov in 1872. His novels, short storied and essays explore human psychology in the troubled political, social and spiritual context of 19th-century Russian society. Acknowledged as a great psychologist he is best known for his works in his later years such as Crime and Punishment, Idiot and The Brothers Karamazov. Demons, mentioned above, "is an extremely political book. It is a testimonial of life in Imperial Russia in the late 19th century. As the revolutionary democrats begin to rise in Russia, different ideologies begin to collide. Dostoyevsky casts a critical eye on both the left-wing idealists, portraying their ideas and ideological foundation as demonic, and the conservative establishment's ineptitude in dealing with those ideas and their social consequences. This form of intellectual conservativism tied to the Slavophile movement of Dostoyevsky's day, called Pochvennichestvo, is seen to have continued on into its modern manifestation in individuals like Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn. Dostoyevsky's novels focus on the idea that utopias and positivist ideas, in being utilitarian, were unrealistic and unobtainable. (Wikipedia) How very interesting reading this essay by Albert Camus. I have read parts again and again wanting to be able to make sense of the sentiment. At first I felt a sense of hopelessness from the relentless tasks of life. Doing the same thing over and over again because one has to to live. Is it proclaimed and therefore is? In Sisyphus' case he was set this task by the gods and it seems there was no escaping it and so the task became to find contentment within the situation. And their punishment was the result of his disobedience. He did not follow the principles of the gods, he rebelled. By this I mean he was functioning on some different level, not a spiritual one. I relate this to myself. Reflecting on my life, although some things were done to me at a time when I was vulnerable and mould able, in later years I made choices that caused troubles. My behaviour was rebellious, deceitful, destructive and dishonourable. I didn't have this as an intention deep down. I was in conflict with other principles that were loving and caring, truthful and dignified. I had compassion and respect. These two parts were in constant conflict but often the louder voice was the destructive one. Whether that was unleashed through experiences or stronger from the offset, no one will ever know. I tend to think it's a little bit of both. That there is an individual tendency towards heightened sensitivity and when this is coupled with environmental experiences that do not nurture and surround that sensitivity, then there is the potential for another mechanism to be triggered. And often experienced by others as "bad" behaviour. To exemplify this, I think I am a very sensitive person. I can recall being troubled by many things that I observed. I remember being concerned for one of our neighbours sons, Paul H. I was under 4 when I was concerned. I cannot say why I was concerned for him but something didn't feel right. I was also concerned for K next door. perhaps it was my mothers concerns that I picked up on I really o not know. But I felt a need for them. I was sensitive. And I was also sensitive for myself. When my friends were playing with not such nice kids and stealing from me, I was upset that they could do this and I didn't understand. I didn't understand why people would do mean things. I was creative with stories but they were stories of loss and disaster afoot. This was from a young age and all through my play stages. The earth cracking up, being taken away and locked up, being treated cruelly by the master. That sort of thing. Was I born with this bleak and black attitude towards life? Or was this created out of being sensitive and surrounded by anger? A bit of both I am certain but putting into words is difficult. It comes back to the Transactional Model of Arnold Sameroff, nothing occurs in a stand alone position.Everything is interconnected and cannot seemingly be separated.        Gosh I am a long way off Camus' essay. So Sisyphus who apparently emerges from a lowly life into the life of the gods, seems to bring with him a degree of rebellion. He is testing the limits which sounds quite childlike. He is given responsibility and living but takes things beyond the principles by which the gods give everything. So then there is the question are those spiritual principles the right ones? Within me yes they feel right but every so often a naughtiness descends that can take me away from following those principles, wanting what seems to be a freedom and a lot of fun. It can be but there is a price to pay. Whereas following more Godly principles seems to bring tranquillity and gently arrives rather than is something strived for and gained. So Sisyphus is be4lieved to have worked against the gods in different ways but ultimately it seems his disrespect for them earned him the thankless and endless task of rolling the rock to the top of the mountain and then have to start all over again. It's similar to me. I work, I earn some money, I pay bills and then I need to work again to get the money to pay the bills. In between time there doesn't seem to be a lot of pay off. I cannot afford to do the things I desire, as with Sisyphus he has not time for rest and he cannot let go of the rock because his task is to get it to the top of the mountain before it can roll down again. I do not understand the relevance of his wife throwing his unburied body into the square thus ending up in hell. He tested her love by asking her to do this and she obeyed. Is this not obeying him or should she have disobeyed in the name of decency and respect for his body? To me it is a body and the soul had left already so what matters the body? However, there is something quite important about respecting the vessel for the soul. Honouring it's toil and the job it does. So perhaps she should not have obeyed and instead heeded more the respect for the man she had loved. She had no backbone perhaps to stand by her principles? I'm not sure. If it was this unquestioning obedience that he wanted to return to avenge then I understand. But his desire to return to earth was it to punish his wife? Coming from hell I guess that is what it would do to you. Hell would breed resentment so there is a need to stay out of hell. And the warning is perhaps not to put people to the test, they are bound to be fallible and therefore what I sow I reap. He asked and she obeyed. The consequence was dear and dire. Yes I can relate that to my life. Principles I crossed, such as terminations of pregnancy and promiscuity and dishonesty and excess of many things like spending and self-centredness and thoughtlessness. These attitudes and the associated behaviours have all resulted in a high price. I pay the price of an increased rift between me and my dad. I pay the price of never being able to make up for the worry that my mum went through and the fact that she couldn't really trust me. I have not been able to settle with any man and I have not achieved in a way I would have liked. I have no family. I have lost reality with honesty. I have been in a heap of a mess. High prices to pay for the many years of fun and hedonism. Fond memories exist but looking at the greater picture would I do it all again? Part of me says yes but the other part says I would go back and learn somehow to do it differently if that were possible. I don't think it's all out of me just yet as there is that urge to say - "bring it on". I would pay the price for some more if I could have it now. And I can but I am also aware of the risk of it getting worse rather than still being fun. So Sisyphus returns to earth and suddenly likes what earth offers. He hides from the gods until eventually they catch up with him. I was ducking and diving for a while but all the time could feel the hounds nearing until the breakdown occurred when I could feel their breath on my neck and their saliva running down my back. The sound of their pants was in my ears and I cold hear nothing else. I had to surrender or there was certain death. Sometime I welcomed it to get me out of the current futility that I saw. And being conscious of the futility, fully aware is the thing I grapple with. At times I have total contentment with the way things are. Me and my interactions, the need for work and the things that I can and can't do. But the contentedness comes when I am acceptant and grateful for the things I have got internally and externally. When the futility takes over then the discontent arrives with it. Of course this myth is an analogy with my life. I am struggling at this time with not only being short of funds for things other than basically covering costs, and at times I can be expensive because of choices. I am also finding it difficult being with L's personality at work. It challenges me sometimes more than at other times. At the moment it is challenging. Now there are day when this can really get me down and I want to run, to do something completely different. These are the days when I am not drawing from the inner gains. The knowledge I can get from this situation day in and day out is extraordinary. But I don't want to hang around and do that. BUT God is making it so that I have to. I feel jealous of other people who are making moves to achieve. I like it better when there are others in the doldrums just like me right at this time. Sometimes I taken steps into things I'm pleased about and other times I feel stuck. It doesn't expose me as the failure I feel that I am. There's the defect of self-hatred speaking out loudly in that last sentence. This is mental illness. And I truly have it in monumental quantities. Not that mental illness is quantifiable, I don't believe in such a way. It can not easily be said that this person is worse than that person. Often the physical behaviour is what people are judging against. Mental illness shows as unpredictable and sometimes as different from the norm. So I think this breeds fear in others and indeed from within. But once again it can all seem futile suddenly when I see it only at the level of pushing the rock up the mountain only for it to roll down and start all over again with the agony of the journey upwards. Only momentarily getting a sense of achievement and able to enjoy the scenery at the top of the mountain.If, however, I can observe the entire experience, each journey up the mountain brings it's own variety. And if I observe myself in the situation, it's not futile, it's an experience, it's growth, it's strengthening and all contributing towards the next lesson. Nothing then is futile because everything comes from within. As the Dalai Lama said on Thursday, oh yes I was there in Aldershot when he visited. He said that the Buddha is within, it's not something external. It is my path to reach that internal Buddha and on the occasions when I do I feel grace and serenity. In those moments the external does not matter at all. Acceptance. Today I am agonising about things that seem unsaid from my sponsor. I get a sense that she strongly objects to therapy. Now this affects me on several levels. It's also interesting as it's upsetting my internal sense of self when actually I feel very comfortable that I know where I am heading. My practice is not only to bring about self actualisation but more importantly about the person finding the way to move forward, and take action for themselves. To move away from dependency on historical voices and messages, to move away from dependency on therapy and individuals and to achieve a sense of self worth and faith. It seems to matter what she thinks and this morning I have become aware I was being quite underhand or manipulative when I started trying to express what my style of work involves. I wanted her to realise I was good and to be on side against L actually. I realised this and didn't like my manipulation. IN the same way I didn't like the way I manipulated a public arena on Tuesday during supervision to expose L for her exaggeration and deceit. My dad used to be like that. He would make statements to damn me or mum or another person and it would be actually unfounded, merely a manipulation of information or facts to try and control the situation. So with compassion I wonder what it is that leaves her in such need of this. If only she could be comfortable with the fact that she's the boss and no one is questioning that, then she wouldn't need to control the people and they way they are. However, me me me. I made a comment that I had called B (the person she had said made a statement about people arriving without having the foundations of recovery). The implication was that we were not doing a good job even tough she did add it wasn't directed at us. So my opening statement made it sound as if I had called specifically to enquire about her comment. I said it on purpose as an exposure because B said he was not referring to us. She went quite mad at me, saying that I could have asked her, that she felt let down by me and ended by saying she didn't want to talk about it anymore. Others seemed as confounded as me by her reaction, implying that we cannot be curious and cannot speak to other people. I did later apologise saying that I was sorry that she had felt offended and that it had not been my intention. I clarified that I was speaking with B about another situation and raised the question out of curiosity and made it clear I knew he wasn't referring to us but wondered what he thought needed to be done. She just looked at me. Later apparently S made a comment to her privately about her reaction and L commented back that there is history between us. Well there certainly is. Now here is my struggle. I felt very down the following day. S and L were working cheerfully together. I felt out of it. I can relate to that with childhood situations, even with my mum and dad being together and feeling as if they were against me. The same happened and is a fear in friendships. Just this morning, M mentioned that S had called her and suddenly I felt left out. My first inclination is to pick up the phone and have a chat as if by chance with S. Crazy. Just sit back observe and trust. I can be at peace within these struggles. At other times I can see only futility as yet another situations presents itself to me as a problem to be overcome. At least my problems are varied. poor Sisyphus had the same struggles and pain day in and day out. I am certain though with each roll of the rock up the hill he must have been physically stronger and wiser, knowing better and better each time how to overcome little difficulties and developing strengths to manage the struggle. So here I am thinking about that. I know that I can keep my mouth closed and observed. I know it has worked. I know that I could not be so devious, spiteful and manipulative when I use information. I know it is possible to feel OK n myself and confidant that I am doing my best and my best is enough for today. I am learning and growing within myself and how to handle different situations. I am gaining knowledge to help deal with things that can be tricky. Back to my sponsor. I get a strong sense and from what she's shared to be frank, that therapy is not something she believes in. And so going on a workshop with my therapist seems to have triggered a disappointment or something in her. She feels a little distant and maybe even cross with me. Now I do believe in therapy and for more than simply self-actualisation as she said in the AWOL. It did feel as if it was directed at me. Do I speak with her God? I want to sort it out in a phone call this afternoon. I want to find out if my sense is correct. What do I do God? Now there is a part of me that thinks just sit back and observe. See what happens over the next few days about this. Stay out of my fear and then the ways in which this manifests in codependency. Observe, observe, observe. But at the same time don't try and manipulate. This sense of insecurity drives me to be deceitful and underhand. I don't like it in me. Do I talk to others about this self realisation and find out what others might do? This is when I'd prefer it that people don't know who my sponsor is. I suppose I could talk about it without using the term sponsor. I could talk about it as a third party whose opinion matters to me and with whom I have a lot of contact. Hmmmm - please show me God what is the next best thing to do here. So as I've written this I see more and more what Camus was bringing to my attention

another fine line you got me into

the line of security verses repression is what I'm talking about.
I'm not sure if it's a bi-polar thing, all these extremes and then the gap where the fine line is.
So today I decided to return to Day 1. What does this mean? This means I have an opportunity to really look at my powerlessness. I cannot afford to be anything but entirely and utterly vigilant. That means being precise about my measurements of my food. Not a little ore or a little less. And every measurement and chosen food item matters. When I allow thins to just go by as if unnoticed this is the slippery slope down. Now I think this is security although at times I can think it's repression, too rigid and rigidity can seem tedious. When I listen to others it can sway me and I can forget the power food can have over me. I can feel so miserable and become suicidal. I feel imprisoned and break free by more eating and for a second I don't give a damn. But then guilt and the shame ensues and I need m ore food to deaden that. This is repression surely.
And all through that "ah! lets get free and easy" attitude. Rebellion? It's not as strong as rebellion I don't think. Rebellion to me is far more forceful and visibly destructive. This is a much quieter form of rebellion. Is there another description for it? A desire for nonconformity. Because conforming seems weak and boring to me. A sheep not a leader. Someone who can't think for themselves. It's also about how other will think of me. This is the mental illness? To think that conforming makes me a weak, pathetic person. How can I let the security of routine just be and it's that security that permits me to be free and creative.
This resonates with the Marcia theory of adolescence and part of the psychosocial identity theory of Eriksson. He talked about identity theories within the stages that Erikkson proposed. There is also a link as I see it with Bowlby's attachment theory. There is this period of adolescence that in my mind is a preparation for moving into adulthood. And within a secure family the adolescent is able to start exploring a broader patch of life, developing ones own network and seeing and experiencing beyond the safety of the home and parents. It's a time of beginning to develop opinions of ones own. I think parents have a difficult time with this as it represents change and change represents loss. My dad for example never seems to deal with this with any of the children he befriends. And he became unbearably controlling when I reached this stage. And of course this has an impact.
In my view this period of growth is to be able to go out and get into scrapes and make mistakes but to be able to come home to the family and address the issues that arise, explore and understand the mistakes and go forth and try again. But if there is dysfunction within the family and too repressive an approach or an attitude of no boundaries, then already the set up is influencing how this period of growth will be affected. For example if parents are too controlling there will be a sense of insecurity - too controlling could be too strict and high expectations with shaming being the way of punishing, even if this all occurs at an unconscious level. So when mistakes happen in adolescence the family home is the last place to go back and review the situation. I think this is where the extended family of the past was a useful resource as well that is missing today. Sometimes it is difficult to talk with parents that might be easier and one removed from over protection with grand parents. Of course I see how over the years there is dysfunction in that. There is imperfection within all humans so of course there will always be dysfunction. But also there are devastating effects of the extended family too. Incest, rape, meanness and so on. We all know the horrors. And entrapment. The roaming families for want of a better term mean that people have had broader experience without the shackles of the extended family. There are pros and cons of course. But if people were to keep becoming more consciously aware of all the interactions, environmental, social, as Sameroff described in the complex Transaction Model of development, then we could all be working towards improvement all of the time. Instead of just trying to get it right I think for me I just need to keep becoming conscious and looking for ways to improve. Perfection is Nirvana and Nirvana is when I die.
So where was I? Way off the track. But along similar parallels. Teh creation of security without repressing. So anyway yes the family duty is to create security without repressing or indeed creating over confidence. Somewhere in the middle is balance. And I never think the fine line is one single line, I think that balance is within a varying amount. In psychological statistics I think that would be the confidence intervals. It's an inference that there is a balance and it differs between individuals sowhere between this and this. So say there is a variotion from 1 to 100, the fine lines or interval of balance between security and repression would perhaps be between 45 and 55. An everyone has to find for themselves where they are within that. And that presents another influential dilemma. The balance interval for onw person maybe different from their own child. So if a parent tries to impose their own balance on another it immediately creates an influence. So how to develop that trust in the Universe to just be there as a support whilst also ensuring there is security throuh boundaries. So long as there is felxibility and not rigidity then all will be well? It's so complex huh!
No wonder I've been baffled recently and prior to my recovery years note ven aware of teh balance intervals. My parents certainly didn;t really show me. I think my mum may have had more of an idea but dad was rigid and controlling for certain, no benefit of the doubt there. However, I can understand more these days and so am more forgiving and less blaming. That's a blessed relief, Thank you God. To be free of that resentment is just freeing beyond anything I could imagine. And hence I think I've found the route through my struggles at work slightly easier and faster to stop and loo at. Yes it's been since January but I'm pleased that it's only May and thigns within me are so different.
And so doors are opening even if they are not all seeming right at this moment. Portsmout, Southampton, even Bognor. I just need to go and explore them. hence I need to complete the application forms.

So with my food it's security for me to follow the precise food plan and trust that the fellowship is working for everyone not destroying them. I see it working. I trust my sponsor through her experience, she is not trying to stifle me, she is trying to help me. And I know that withut that certainty of my food I take advantage. It's the mental illness of wanting more and wanting tings my way and believeing that I can get away with that or this because I can control that. I know from years of experience that I simply cannot control my food at all. I am utterly powerless. So by keeping that absolutely tight, it is possible to have freedom and creativity in other ways. Why on earth would I not want to do that. It's my anger seeping out in a subtle way? Anger becoming control?
I've been angry at work and it's diminished into frustration but when I'm frustrated I can get very stompy footed, and thinking why can't people just do it my way!!?
Plus there's the ongoing insecurity with my finances. It's scary. The future is scary. It's another fine line and balance interval. Living in today and trusting that tomorrow all will be well. But unless I am investing in today then I'm not taking responsibility for tomorrow. Then I think well I could be dead tomorrow so why not spend what I have in today and enjoy it. But then tomorrow I wake up and I've less for that day.
What about having to work forever into my old age, when already I get so tired. But then if I'm doing something I love within an environment I enjoy then I'm not so drained. But what if I'm not doing something I love in an environment I enjoy - well work through it and as I'm seeing doors will open. So long as I keep looking and then filling the other areas of my life with things and people I do enjoy I am getting sustenance enough. I can be content with my best efforts.
I think I'm seeing it. I feel repressed at work but at the same time there is security as I know what I am heading for each day. I'm getting the opprtunity to develop as a person. And when I take on a happy attitude it is actually even fun. After all L and I had a little laugh yesterday afternoon. It was brief and silly but a luagh it was nonetheless. She did a lot of the groups too. So she wants to work like a trooper then that's what she's doing. I don't like working at that pace and get too tired to keep it up. I am taking care of myself by saying so.
It will be an interesting Supervision session as I feel very different. I will listen and observe once again.
So I am at Day 1. This means no eating out for 90 days. That will probably incvenience a few people over my birthday for example but AB already conceded that it's up to me what I want to do for food on my birthday. And she really does not understand the principles I am only just getting to grips with msyelf. Why would she?
Oh we discussed the fine line of telling friends things like they are putting on weight or their behaviour seems out of order. I thin there is a way of doing this. Saying how I feel about someones behaviour is one thing. And then it's up to them whether it is a problem for them or not and want to change.
I have noticed that RB is putting on weight and changing shape. I want to say something but it's difficult. She does not ask for an opinion but when I knew I was putting on weight I didn't want others to say anything. On the otherhand it's the truth and knowing how sensitive she is about eating and size (I believe she's a foody) then it would be helpful. or would it? I am uncertain. I need tot ake this to quiet time. Perhaps the truth is something to be said but to be considerate of the individual involved may mean not saying anything. I am just not sure. Is it any of my business? This is the balance interval of discretion and brutal honesty. In retrospect I am very glad that ML told me about how she felt when I was darkly involved with SL. Darkly I say because it was day and night and then took me into darker arenas within it. I knew there was shame because I was justifying it and keeping activities secret. If my conscience is clear and my motives pure I do not need to hide anything from anyone. But of course there is discretion. An that is something I need to discern by listening to God.
God, please show me what I need to do with this matter of honesty but maintaining a person dignity. This is a part of my job too really. Learning ow to say things to open up the awareness for the person but without being antogonistic and creatign hostility. This is a balance interval that is very valuable and very difficult to attain. It is a gift of God.

As always I welcome any input. I know though only one friend who dips into this Blog. It's a serious matter of learnign about life and people. Yet no one is erading it and so no one is contributing. It's a pity really as there is an entire world of resource out there at my finger tips. All with differing views that could be so useful for me. And no one ever comments. Oh well. I will take these questions I have, with genuine interest and a desire to be better as a person, to God.

Thank you God for the gift of thought and writing to be able to spill all my thoughts out.

Bliss
XX