After the abortion, the relationship had a dullness about it.
AV and I didn't talk about it before or afterwards. He collected me from the place of doom and even then we said little about it. I think we even travelled back in silence. And he remembers me being really angry as we arrived home to our lovely flat. "After all I've been through and you couldn't even be bothered to tidy the flat!". I suspect the anger was nothing at all to do with the condition of the flat. It surely was the right decision but there was no decision making, it was just made.
And so the craving for London started. Anything to get away as far as I could from myself and the internalised me. Yet again the screaming silenced.
So Ealing Broadway. Castelbar Road. For how many months or a year maybe, I can't remember now. We were planning on buying a flat in Perivale. New builds. I loved it, especially the dressing room and the double doors into the lounge. But it was £72,000 or thereabouts. And I was always scared of the degree of debt as a sort of trap. I was also scared of AV's very laissez-faire attitude to money. Now of course I can see the freedom in his way. HE was the most decent person I have ever been out with. But despite him saying how much more emotionally mature I was at that time than he was, I had no idea of the dysfunction in me and how it was manifesting in those early days. Well unfortunately I am one of those people that has to take it to crisis before I was going to have my eyes opened. Just a pity that being also of a very strong disposition, secondary military training with the precision and complete shut down of the SAS.
I was now working for HR Holborn. I went for 2 interviews. P at Holborn and T at Victoria. For some reason I much preferred the Holborn offices. I think P was a little bit older and laid back, gentle. T seemed laid back in a predatory threatening kind of a way. Threatening because I did not ever feel good enough to be prey. How screwed up is that!!?
As it turned out I worked on the section with a suspected alcoholic team leader, the woman who "entertained" the MD and other senior management, LB, and DN, who was a good friend, a bit flustered, ever so lazy and probably not really knowing ever what he was doing. I think he would have described himself as a flurry of petticoats and hatboxes. I have just realised how difficult it is writing so blatantly about people. There is little chance of anyone I know ever reading all of this but if they did suddenly they would know how I judged them or the way people talked about them back in those days. GD, team leader said he was related to Basil Dearden the director of the 1950's film The Blue Lamp. I have no idea if this is true. What I was going to say is that every day at about 11am GD would slip out to the pub. On my very first day he took me at that time to show me the sandwich shop around the corner, surprise, surprise right next door to the pub. We went in, he was obviously very well know, first name terms, had a quick pint I think it was followed by a vodka and back to work we went. I remember the door being green but not the name of the pub. It's gone now anyway. Oh yes I remember it - the Newton Arms. Blimey! Later on in years that became the after work pub - new landlords. DN and I discovered vodka in his bottom drawer of his desk.
I was disappointed as I was hungry to learn and be the best at my job. I was especially disappointed because people spoke about him as being one of the best in his prime. Too late for me, grumble, grumble. He was a very nice man, I mean kind thinking and as genuine as an alcoholic can be. Well intended I suppose is what I mean. And oh my gosh I can recall thinking how complex his relationship was. Barbara I think her name was. They didn't live together, I think maybe she was still married. They would spend some time together but not all - it just seemed messy to me and I did feel sad for him but at the same time wondered how anyone could fancy him anyway. Little did I know how easy it would be to get into messy and complex relationship situations. I would wish him well. I hope some day that he found some recovery from the alcohol and learnt how to be one of the best again.
DN and I had a lot of camp fun. I met his friends and did the gay scene of London with him and them. I never felt I could trust DN though. He was very catty at times and so I made certain to stay on the right side of him. Often I would cover up for him and do his work. Some of his clients, as we looked after our own clients, began to ask for me. I did get resentful at times but couldn't see the section going to ruin because of his incompetency. He always referred to the past and how great he had been. I suppose that was an indication of his need to let everyone know. He was a really anxious man. And of course a drinker. It was he and I that would sit and whisper about GD's drinking so DN's nor mine at that time was anythign like his. Yet I do remember thinking he could not wait for a party. He was alcoholic in a different way. Bloody hell I was surrounded by them. The section beside us too, the section behind. Everyone really boozed it up but looking back I can see how some were certainly ensconced in the poison and the chaos that ensues with that. LB was a lady actually. Despite the rumours of being the darling of the senior management team, and she would always disappear off when T was in the building and M. I can't remember their surnames now. She would start making up so she obviously had advance notice. She was a very glamorous lady and very graceful. Especially when the phone was ringing. She would be busy doing her nails or make-up, ALWAYS, and she would first put the make-up down, then lift her hand for something or other, then slowly pick up the hand piece (no headsets at that time) and then slowly her finger would edge towards the key to take the call. It was a very old key system, I don't know what it would be called. Her movements were without haste and very graceful, not a jerk or a change of pace. Of course I usually got the phone first because I could not bear the service to be so bad and slap dash. I was resentful, so was DN and we would bitch about that too.
I guess there were about 10 sections, as the work units were called, of between 4 - 6, maybe 7 on each section. And I think when I joined there was a total of 4 or 5 of us females. One was GW who was enormous.
Ha! I remember Dyno Rod being called in because the ladies toilet was blocked. A little man, sorry that sounds condescending but that's how I remember him came in, his suit all neat and quite perky, smiling. He was carrying a little tool box. The ladies loos were at the back of the hall, behind DM's section - The Wellcome Foundation section. I was alerted to a commotion with sniggers becoming laughs from DM's section. Well it was J's section, she was team leader, the only female team leader. The man could be heard working away, plunging the plunger, sloshing and banging and swearing a lot for ages and ages. Eventually he emerged, sweaty, jacket off, tie askew and generally very dishevelled. In exhausted and exasperated splutter he said, "whatever did that wasn't human!" With smirks and knowing, blaming looks we all turned to look at poor GW. Poor GW, many a chair splintered after a moments strain of her. IN the end she had to have a special reinforced chair. Apparently, nasty rumours had it, that she had to stand in the bath and be showered by her sparrow-like mum. And she couldn't travel on the tube because she was claustrophobic but also because the chairs were too small. I do know that she travelled a lot and had to book two seats whenever she flew. Oh gosh there were so many rumours about hos she couldn't drink on planes because she couldn't afford to go to the toilet as she would get stuck in them etc, etc. So Cruel. Her mum really was sparrow-like, she cam in once to see GW. Perhaps GW ate all the nosh at home??
Lunches were in the pub. It was in Parker Street and I think it was called The Parker. That's not there either now. Well for the hardened fun-loving lot anyway. My team leader GD, of course, was first in.
I had a little fling with N. Can you believe it? When I went back for those awful 2 days in 2006, N was still working there, still at the travel agent level. He played the organ for his church I remember. I went home to meet his parents once. Orpington. I was told, I don't think I ever heard him play, that he was an incredible organist. N even came for a party weekend with me to Horley and it was that weekend that KG ended up with DW, and later they got married. Now he has gone too! But anyway, I was really interested in DM. As I look back at the time with him, gosh it was a crazy time and destructive slope in my life. He was on a mission of self destruct!
It was with DM that my drinking changed a gear or maybe two.
We finally actually got together at the World Travel Market. I feel somewhat horrified as I recall the event. I had gone to the WTM with my mum. My mum was a great networker, so we had a good day trawling around. She was such an extrovert and good at the social chit chatting. I was in awe and always felt inadequate next to her. But I manipulated her to the Avis stand - where I knew there was a bar and DM. When my mum realised he and I were flirting she made her excuses and left. I am ashamed that my mum saw that action!
It was unpleasant from then on. I am not sure who else was there but we drank and drank and drank. I remember being on the tube with DM later that evening. We entered into a relationship shortly after that. There were complications as his ex-girlfriend, PB who also worked at HR but at Wigmore Street, she was still very upset. And so there was a camp of women against me from the onset. Later on some of them became friendly with me
It was a boozy relationship. I drank to keep up with him I like to believe. But it never occurred to me not to. We rented a place in Crystal Palace. A wonderful Victorian building converted into flats. Flat 1, Hamlet Road. We would often laugh at the arguments rising through the floorboards from the flat below. I don't recall ever seeing anyone from the flats above.
DM loved cooking and often his best friend CO came over. CO was in love with me and that's another story. He tried to rescue me from DM several times. For some stupid reason I allowed DM to continue to treat me badly. CO and I had an affair. How dreadful of me. They were best friends from school. I can recall DM saying we were going to a pub after work. And we walked this weaving journey through the streets of London, DM knew London or parts of it really, really well. And I loved that about him. We went to a pub that to me seemed to be in the depths of the streets. A little back road. He explained that it was a favourite of theirs to meet up. CO resembled David Bowie. Tall, blonde, quirkily handsome. He had a very distinguished voice. DM and Co were 2 years older than me and I felt once again that I was out with the grown ups. I felt similar with MP and S and A and JP. That was some years behind me now - wild stories to one day be written I expect. So CO was very gentlemanly and friendly. I really loved the level of discussion, politics, art, society and so on. I felt so stupid amidst the two of them but was inspired and felt alive. Co became a regular visitor to our pad in Crystal Palace. I was actually in love with the three of us. The idea of it. We were a little group and did so many things together. I could go out with CO and be just as happy as when I was with DM. If only we had just been friends like that, all three of us. But I didn't know how to just be friends with them. CO was single and gradually, apparently he fell in love with me. He didn't want me to be with DM. It was odd as I think about it now because he became very possessive. I had forgotten that and when ever I have thought about that time it was with a slightly romantic tilt. The reality is that he wanted to possess me. He took me to his place in Islington. We passed by the Arsenal grounds and it felt necessary to breathe it in. Never really a true Arsenal fan but in my effort to be loved my dad I claimed to be a Gunner to please him. He and I even went to see them once. And the rugby! God, how I tried to be in with my dad. Yep, I felt in London at moments when I passed by what seemed like something from a book, things that I never thought I would touch or experience. I remember how he kept looking at me. He was poetic somehow in his manner. He would skip and walk backwards talking to me and there was something almost childlike about him as we journeyed north. He cooked me risotto and it was really tasty. His flat was wonderful but I felt so, so guilty. CO treated me so gently and nicely unlike D. I also didn't like feeling like I was the grown up. I didn't feel as if he could look after me. I didn't feel safe. There was a semblance of having the father and the lover with DM and CO - but DM could not live up to be the father!! This affair felt so wrong, even though it was exciting at times and loving. All I wanted was to be loved and yet when I was it didn't feel right and this wasn't, it wasn't decent however awful DM treated me. CO wanted us to run away to an island his father owned. It was off the coast of Scotland with some old castle on it. Ha! Why on earth didn't I? He was such a romantic you see and it seemed all so impossible and unreal. From then on we met every lunch time. Oh of course I had left Holborn to join Trinifold Travel, on Trafalgar Square. So CO working in St James, a civil servant. It strikes me now that he really didn't like his work. He was promoted though and doing well. It was very loving and gentle with him but oh so wrong. It felt awful as well as lovely. It had to end. CO was devastated although I bet he wouldn't say that today. Although there was a possessiveness about CO, I felt crowded by him, he was also a very nice and caring man. I know that he loved me. And there I can detect the dysfunction in me again. A pattern on reflection, that when people loved me and treated me well I could not abide them. It's almost as if I disrespected them. How on earth could anyone treat me nicely, after all I was not worthy so they must be idiots. Thankfully this has changed. I don't fully remember how I ended the relationship. I stayed for 2 months with Trinifold, I didn't like the amateurishness of it and smallness. It was interesting enough work, organising travel within the music industry. I spoke with lots of REALLY famous people and exaggerated the stories enormously for good effect. However, I did speak with lots of them. My bands were Dire Straits - loved em (so did AV and MP - was introduced to them by The Old Grey Whistle Test and JP), The Church who disbanded and I believe are back together and again some of their music I love, Suzanne Vega, lovely sweet lady who years later inspired a poem I wrote - the first acknowledgement of abuse in writing - BAD Big Audio Dynamite who were a pain in the arse because they liked playing tricks on each other. Oh and a few others. I spoke at length with Phil Collins - arrogant but the purpose of his call contained a really thoughtful and caring gesture, so I can forgive him that. JG who apparently I had known at BA head-hunted me for the job at Trinifold. I believe he set up his own business in direct competition later on. It started with M the MD who in his younger days organised the travel for Queen - he and Queen were really an item. From there his business developed. A great idea that was copied by many others and in bigger style. He was such a vile, rude and scary monster.
I think it was when I left that the relationship with CO started to end. I really can not remember at all how that happened. I know that he never spoke to me again, DM must have also known as they were no longer friends. Ew! All very horrible, murky and messy. I wish I could find out more about the ending. I did call CO once, very easy to find. It was many years later, I wanted to say that I was sorry. How strange. I called a woman answered the phone, she handed me over to him. I said it was me and that I wanted to say sorry. He sounded perplexed and why wouldn't he, said OK and we put the phone down. Very odd thing of me to do.
To begin with DM and I worked, socialised and lived together. So it was just one big drink fest in a way. We were considered the fun couple, parties, always adventures, or in the pub. When I first left Holborn, I would go to meet DM at the pub, gradually that changed. Drunk he was utterly unreliable. Hence I guess I knew he was having an affair. But as I had had one too ..... oh just uncut turmoil - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. All boundaries trashed and disrespected. How people can contribute to the destruction of each other. Personal wars without knowing they are being fought.
Each evening we aimed to catch the last train home after the pub and if we missed that we took the night bus. Then when I transferred to the Victoria office, I started making a new bunch of friends and going out with them after work. DM at first came and joined us at the Albert or we would meet at the evening functions. DM was already well known in HR London, so although the offices were very cliquey and exclusive, there was a lot of mixing because of us. Still both he and I were out every night. Booze was a doddle as there were so many travel functions - American Embassy, Air Zimbabwe, Air New Zealand, Lufthansa, Sabena, Qantas, hotels, embassies, travel companies. And with each mention of a name I can recollect various snippets that were all true! Alarming! We could be, and were, out every night being entertained, theatres, restaurants, grand hotels - and on and on. And always, always copious amounts of drink. DM and I were also smoking dope. We were also using poppers.
I can clearly remember thinking that I could take it or leave it and I am sure I could but I didn't. At times I was even indignant about people "using".
After a Christmas function at Holborn, I had been really angry for some reason with DM. When he got drunk, and he was getting drunker I think, he could get quite aggressive. I would notice a look in his eyes. I also had a hunch that he was more than friendly with a girl who had joined his section L - anyway, I had been dancing with someone - can't remember who - and DM insisted we leave. I was furious with him so said I was going anyway and he should stay. I left and was being followed by him. I have a clear vision of him following about 10 paces behind, his long black coat wrapped around him. He was slightly staggering and kept his head down but followed me relentlessly. It was late so I knew we had missed the last train. I headed for Trafalgar Square to catch the night bus and at the same time felt sure I could lose him in the crowds there. I went past the bus stop in the square, walking to the next stop. Sure enough I lost him. Only to see the night bus trundle past without stopping at my stop as it was full. And who was sitting at the front on the top deck - DM? Grrrrr. Serves me right I suppose.
I got the next bus and expected to find DM home probably up drinking with a smirk but he wasn't there. I was frantic not knowing what could have happened to him. I knew he would get aggressive and could easily verbally abuse people, so I thought he might have been in a fight and dumped somewhere. He really was useless drunk and prone to all sorts of trouble. Eventually, hours and hours later I heard him singing down the road. When he was drunk he would loudly sing "O Flower of Scotland .....". DM was from Edinburgh originally and also when drunk his Scottish accent would manifest itself. I can see him vividly in my mind right now. He would look so evil sometimes. I learnt to be scared of him.
When he walked in, in my semi sobering state I screeched at him and still very, very drunk, he started calling my dad to tell him to take me away. It was about 4am. Idiot! He hated my dad. My dad absolutely detested him.
During one of the first visits to my mum and dads house, he drank as much as he could. There was always a lot of drink in my mum and dads drinks cabinet. They were not drinkers and my dad despised people who drank. Mum had invited their friends over E and M. We had a lovely lunch but DM was getting drunk. I went to the bathroom and E followed me. My mum and dad's friend. He walked into the bathroom after me and propositioned me. I laughed but I also recall being scared and horrified. I couldn't say anything to anyone as my dad would have killed him and already was prepared to kill DM. I just wanted to get out of the house. So DM made a bad impression but I was ensconced in this dysfunctional relationship.
Other occasions involved many drunken escapades. All very boringly similar I expect.
We got married! Registry office, very small family lunch and then a party in a pub. My mum and dad were so horrified about the pub, they didn't stay. And everyone was very drunk.
DM gambled too. He was a big gambler. We regularly went to the races. I enjoyed it but as our relationship continued his gambling was a real problem. He spent a lot of money.
It was never unusual for DM to be punchy. I don't actually remember the reasons why but I think yet again I was waiting, worrying and DM came home exceptionally drunk again. I was drinking less by this time. I questioned him when I should have known better. I had a chain, a gold rope chain that had been my leaving gift from BA, he pulled it and started strangling me with it, and thankfully it broke. I had the rope burns around my neck for days. Then he started punching me, I had a shiner of a black eye almost immediately. I had never been punched in the eye before and flipping heck it hurt. Then he knocked me down and grabbed my hair and was bashing my head against the corner of the wardrobe. I made a decision early on not to say a lot or make any utterances with the pain. I think I was probably unconscious at one point because the next thing I remember is him carrying me into the bed and leaving me there. The next day I had to call TH to say that I couldn't go in. I started crying and TH knew - he knew DM and what he was like. He offered to come and visit me. I said no! I had had to go to the local phone box as DM had smashed the phone (yet again) in case I tried to call the police or someone! I hired The Colour Purple and lied on the sofa watching the film crying. I told no one! Another silenced scream.
I will continue. I feel very ashamed of all of this. I am writing it to try and exorcise all of this. here are bundles and bundles of stories
I think I need to find a way as well of storing all these things I write in this Blog. As it's mine to keep.
Bliss
XX
DM continued ..... and there bits out of sequence, so sorry to confuse but really it's an emptying of mind and memories, perhaps even some letting go.
I am writing snippets of our time together, after all it was about 1985 and we were divorced in 1988. I am not sure in which year we got married or even how that came about.
Was I excited about getting married? I can't honestly remember. DM's best man was his sister KM. She seemed a gentle person. Her partner P was a really big dope smoker. He smoked dope like a cigarette smoker smokes cigarettes. He never ever smoked straight tobacco. Goodness knows how he didn't have a flipping accident driving around all day. Of course he was permanently stoned but he said it didn't affect him anymore. Humph yeah right!
We moved from Crystal Palace to High Wycombe because I got a job as Manager at Aylesbury HR. But before I go into detail about that there are one or two events that I need to record whilst they pop into my memory once again.
Walking in together after work one evening, which always had involved several drinking hours at the pub, I noticed a little brown envelope on the door mat in the shared hall. It was addressed to David Gardener but to our flat. I asked him if was his because I had a sense that it was. I realise as I am writing this that I have often had a super sense. Now my logical scientific, psychological head informs me that it's nothing to do with anything psychic. I think I am simply sensitive to the slightest changes in the air or in a person even if I am not consciously aware of exactly what that change is. Now perhaps women are more sensitive in this way. On an evolutionary, biological trail that would make sense. The female would need to be super alert to ensure at all time the baby is safe - safe from predators, safe from hunger, safe from thirst, receiving cuddles etc when needed, especially as it is clearly evidenced that a lack of physical contact and emotional needs being met does actually stop the brain from developing in particular areas. Anyway, you can see that it makes sense that a woman is hyper alert. But perhaps this is what being psychic actually is. It's nothing more than have a real sense of things at a very deep vibration. So when people believe they are receiving messages or symbols from the dead, perhaps it is just a super sense of what the other person needs and wants.
Anyway, I had a sense that this letter on the landing was DM's. he denied it in a very relaxed and unassuming way. But I was convinced. So I played a game really. I don't remember fully the details but the essence of it in my perhaps distorted memory now is that I feigned going to bed early. As I picture it now, I envisage myself lying in bed barely breathing to minimise my noise and listen very, very carefully. Just as I did when I was a little girl but then it was often fear. If I don't move a muscle or breath very lightly then the bad man won't get me!
Sure enough DM went out the door. There was no way I could even drowse off with all the thoughts going around in my head.IN my super sensitivity I even knew where he had hidden it. Now did I hear something that gave that away, I don't think so but maybe that was it. I nonchalantly strolled into the lounge, half expecting to catch him red-handed! Disappointingly he was sitting watching TV and, guess what, drinking! I stood, leaning into the doorway, saying something like "I couldn't sleep". As I did so I knowingly flicked at the pile of Time Out's we had stockpiled to waist height. I just knew that the little brown envelope was in there. I saw he was edgy. The sure enough there it was. I read it and it was from a girl talking about liking what he had said and wanting her to spank him. And it's just crossed my mind how from time to time he would buy one of those magazines off the top shelf and we would read some of the stories. I was indignant. I wasn't truly shocked about the content per se, but that my suspicions of him all along about other women were beginning to be evidenced.
The funny thing is that if the truth be known I have all along been interested in experimental sexuality but never ever had the courage to enter into it because I was brought up believing that sort of thing is outrageous, pornographic and disturbing. And furthermore, people "like that" are to be avoided at all costs. I don't agree now. Today I think there is intimacy and togetherness to be experienced in playful sexuality. And I have indeed experienced this with JH, which contributes hugely to the pain of the loss of him. I have never before allowed myself to be so free with anyone before and even though it's not this way, it feels like he has taken a part of me with him. I need to take that part of me back but before I do, I need to once again regain stability as me being me.
The little brown envelope and the letter within it was the key for me to start working my way towards freedom. I was repulsed by him. Not because of the actual content but the fact that he was entering into this with someone and probably others and not a word of it to me. All the way along I can see how important honesty has been. People can do what they like and I will not judge. It doesn't mean that I would want to be directly involved but it would have been more loving to at least have been kept informed and not be the last to know as the saying goes. It just speaks volumes I suppose.
I am not judging though, as I have not been innocent and I didn't follow my own principles. I did though know that I had made a mistake in the way I was doing things and corrected that. That was directly out of respect for DM and because I believed I loved him. Hindsight as they say is a wonderful thing but it is and I can see how it was not love but a desperate need to be loved and he was someone I did like a lot and thought highly of, before I got to know some of the murkier patterns of behaviour. He was an incredibly capable and intelligent man, and from an external point of view was wasting all of that through drink and gambling. From his point of view perhaps he was very content with that. It wasn't the companionship I wanted though and so had to move on. The way I got incredibly ensconced so quickly is testament to the neediness in me. Not allowing myself to gradually get to know him, develop the "friendliness" into friendship. Funnily enough it was like that with CO, we were friends through the mutual liaison and something developed between us but neither of us either knew or respected boundaries. I would say that I didn't know boundaries. Unsurprisingly as my father displayed a complete disregard for such things. He did just as he desired. And I mean desire ruled his decisions, he didn't have the integrity to be able to separate that out. And I am certain that sexual acting out has a lot to do with suppressing anger. Not anger that is bad as lots of people view it but anger, the true emotion of through historical events and situations. The anger is turned into bad behaviour that is criticised and so the confusion emerges, that anger is BAD!
Just one more thing I want to write for the time being about my time with DM. Each Saturday, he would venture off to the bookies over the road. Bear in mind this was pre mobile phone days. God! I was an adult in days before mobile phones. I am almost a relic! Of course, as a result of being with DM I picked up knowledge about the horses. Actually I loved days at the races and also as much as I am slightly loathe to say it but have no shame about it at this precise moment, I enjoyed studying the form. placing the bets in the bookies and watching the races. The thrill of picking a winner, not for the winning sake but for the skill. So this particular Saturday, like every other Saturday, off he went. I was watching the event on TV. I was watching this gray walking around the paddock and listening to the commentary and knew it was a winner. I also knew DM had not picked it out. I was desperately trying to get hold of him by phoning the bookies. I didn't and not being the gambling addict he was, was content to simply have spotted it and watch the race and watch him win with ease. From then on I followed that horse but gradually the odds became so ridiculous it wasn't worth betting - now that is the starts of gambling seriousness because if it was fun it would be placing the bet just because it's going to win and nothing to do with the odds. But I learnt that from DM, not blaming him at all because it is I who took it on and used the knowledge. Desert Orchid won the King George VI chase when we saw him for the very first time live at Kempton on Boxing Day. Wow! I loved that day's atmosphere. Of course, when I went with him we drank all day. Later when I was a guest at frequent big races, it was in first class style, champagne, grand feasts and even some free betting money! Dressy and heels I would relish those events. So Desert Orchid went on to win the Chase 4 more times and not only that was considered a great character of the racing world. Everyone came to know him and I felt a special connection having spotted this youngster who others were not really giving much attention to. There was a pride in that and a lovely warm love for that horse. I was close to him once and caught myself in his eye. I feel sure he spotted me. I hope so.
Oh gosh! It doesn't end there of course. We moved to High Wycombe. I was promoted to Manager of the HR Aylesbury branch. What a task. I was the youngest ever Branch Manager out of London at that point - a lot to prove. And weirdly now in the same Division as my mum, not same Region though. The branch had been falling in profitability. There was a very young all female team there. We built it from about a half million Pound turnover to a four million turnover and growing. I worked hard but it seemed to come easy in a way. We just drew in business with an ease and despite being so young and also playful we made it work.
I felt responsible and started to take things more seriously and was taken more seriously. This meant that started adjusting my behaviour (somewhat). It was different but looking back whether it was actually more responsible I doubt that very much. Working in Aylesbury and living in High Wycombe meant that I was not drinking every evening and not out and about on the scene anymore. DM was still, often he would fall asleep on the last train and end up calling from Banbury. As time went on I let him walk and he would get back at silly hours of the morning, just sobering from the long cold walk. It was awful between us. He was having an affair with L, one day she called home expecting him to answer but it was me. She knew I knew and so it was clear from then on. We were all but living separately. DM was getting into more and more debt with his gambling, he was often ill with alcoholic poisoning and there was absolutely nothing between us. We argued ferociously and at times I was very scared. I had different friends now, my own friends, TT, MM - some from HR Victoria and now newer ones from Aylesbury. We were sleeping separately, me in the little room on my futon. Sometimes he didn't make it up the stairs he was so drunk. I was repulsed by him but also scared of how the future would be. Yet another big break up to tell my parents about. Although my dad was actually pleased. I told DM I would sue him for adultery and in his lethargy and drunkenness he just let me take everything. I was able to then buy my flat in Aylesbury, my own front door and I loved it. It was all mine! And I could start a new life and the new version of me.
What I didn't write about within all of this was the part anorexia, bulimia and overeating played. At the worst times in the relationship I was overeating, but when CO came along I started with bulimia. I used laxatives and starvation. As the weight loss started I could easily get into the complete anorexia and loved it. So when I moved to Aylesbury I was so very, very thin and adored being that thin. I had a confidence that was actually grandiosity. How sadly ill minded it has been!
So now living and working in Aylesbury, new friends, new life, and lots of fun being single and young and free. We had a ball in our office. We were popular with clients and with suppliers. I was also the upcoming star in the Division, plus young amongst a lot of dowdy men - the Directors and Senior Managers always thought they were something special!! I was not interested.
Aylesbury was a little land of its own and through MM I started to get involved, the Italian community. And I met GC. .....
Bliss
XX
Is that all out now. I am sure there are still some DM stories lurking there. The ones that stick out for this time are down though. And perhaps therefore I can go to London and not relive it all in a caliginous kind of way. OH one more thing. The first time DM and I had sex I was horrified at his smallness! he he he he hehehehehehehehahahahahahahehehehehehehe. Damned good looking man. So for all of his outward style and intelligence he had a lot of shortcomings as far as I was concerned. Clearly not compatible at all.
My friend ML said that anyone that writes, writes to be read. I post this which means there is a chance of it being read BUT it is not my primary aim. To be witnessed I suppose in confession and declaration is useful I know. I know this through Step 4 and 5. To write a fearless and searching moral inventory which I have done here and then to have it witnessed by another trustworthy soul, which is not necessarily the case in a Blog - anybody could be reading it after all, is useful to get a non-judgemental hearing and also if someone identifies, there is a release from the shame. The fact that I am owning my immorality is part way to freeing myself from it. BY seeing it and it being witnessed contributes to trying not to make the same mistakes again in the future. I have done, over and over again, in different forms. But more and more has changed in recent years and I hope even more so recently.
So if anyone reads this and makes judgement, it really will not bother me. I have nothing to be ashamed of anymore as I do not behave in this way and think very differently. Whereas everything used to have to be secret so that no one could tell anyone else and I would be exposed as this vile person, it is no longer the case. Whilst it was all secret it also kept me in the vicious cycle and I ha no chance to see things as they really were or as clearly as possible. The secrets keep a lock on it and me and so to be open and out creates the clarity and also it's the desire to move away from it.
Hooray - I feel some lightness.
Oh and I think but can't remember clearly at this precise moment, I also had a Termination as it's called to lessen the horror, with DM. Now these things are something I have never ever spoken in depth about and there is a whole load of untapped emotion connected with this.
I am not ready yet. I have a lot of shame and pain that is too difficult to engage with. I have never been precise with anyone about such things. I don't even know if there are strong emotions there. That's how difficult it is!
Bliss
XX
