Control

Control is related to FEAR.

I must remember that when I feel I am being controlled. I think it a lot. It often sounds to me as if people are telling me what to do. Gosh do I react! I disagree, I get quite bolshy and defensive or I openly and sharply say the opposite. I feel it in me. I tense up.
I wonder if my reflections on being left alone from a little girl after school was anything to do with it. I used to do whatever I wanted really and then my parents would return and the rules of behaviour would suddenly be harsh compared with the previous hours of utter freedom. Confusing when I describe it. I remember SC pointing this out to me. It made sense. And now I wonder if it's been a part of this aversion to people seeming to tell or suggest. Also I think my dad was very manipulative. He would say things like "you're over doing it" because he wanted me to do what he wanted to do. Instead of stating his needs he would try to control. I've thought this of G too.
When I think people don't consider that I might know something I feel really pissed off with them - yes it's anger but whats the word. It's stronger than irritated.
What is this in me. I need top practise listening. It's worth listening and not reacting. Take things in.
G said that it was difficult to talk to me. I thought it was because I wasn't doing what he was suggesting and I thought what he was suggesting was because he didn't like what I was doing.
Another divorce resulted. But there was truth. The thing is I wasn't liking things he was doing or feeling that the relationship is the way I want things to be in my life. No doubt he would pick up on that.
There are so many layers in all of this. People with people.
I've always had to answer to my parents' judgement of me which I think was often misjudged. Yes some it was based on my terrible attitude and distorted ways as my "illness" was developing, ripening.
But there is control is this on my behalf too. Fear of being compliant, fear of losing self, fear of being controlled, fear of ??????
I'm not sure really what's going on but there is something.
With FA ad my sponsor I get really cross with being told what to do. Sometimes it's just about being liked and loved anyway for doing it my way and making mistakes. Does that me a bad person? I am very self-willed. I don't like disappointing people or annoying people but sometimes I think that's there stuff to deal with and just let me get on with it. But there's ego and selfishness in that. I must think about the consequences more and establish what I'm comfortable with as an outcome whatever it might be. Then I take or can make more informed choices. BUT let the outcome be whatever it is. Don' try and control it.
I do try and control outcomes by being people pleasing. I don't want people to think badly of me so I compromise myself. I lose a sense of what it is I really want.
It is such a muddle sometimes it feels too difficult to unpick.
So Universe I need your help is understanding and then please show me how to be and what to do for the very best of everyone concerned. I really mean it. Please give me courage where there's fear to follow you. I don't think that's always the easiest route but I would like to take it nonetheless. I don't want to stop living life though to do it.
So perhaps it is simply that I am going with the flow. I am not doing anything to harm anyone and if I could be upfront and honest then I am less likely to do that. I think Ga will be disappointed with me as I have gone against her suggestion. That's all it was and yet it sounded like an order.
Right then ...

I've done little about anything this morning. Does it really matter?
Probably not. I've had a relaxing morning and feel a lot better than I have done over the past few weeks. It's been building to a crescendo that I think erupted with me angrily presenting my case to Auntie O. It was not well delivered. It's what happens when I'm driven by anger.
So the truth is out there more and more now.

Gosh this song resonates. Not with the long ago blues. I've got the blues for love itself I think.

Still Got The Blues (For You) Gary Moore

Used to be so easy to give my heart away
But I found out the hard way
There's a price you have to pay
I found out that love was no friend of mine
I should have known time after time

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Used to be so easy to fall in love again
But I found out the hard way
It's a road that leads to pain
I found that love was more than just a game
You're playin' to win
But you lose just the same

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

So many years since I've seen your face
Here in my heart, there's an empty space
Where you used to be

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Though the days come and go
There is one thing I know
I've still got the blues for you.

Bliss
XX
 

Alice's Restaurant by Arlo Guthrie

Alice's Restaurant
By Arlo Guthrie

This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the
restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's
Restaurant.

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the
restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the
church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and
Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of
room downstairs where the pews used to be in.  Havin' all that room,
seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't
have to take out their garbage for a long time.

We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be
a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump.  So
we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW
microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
on toward the city dump.

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving."  And we had never heard of a dump
closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off
into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.

We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the
cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile
is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
decided to throw our's down.

That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving
dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the
next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie.  He said, "Kid,
we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of
garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And
I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope
under that garbage."

After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we
finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the
police officer's station.  So we got in the red VW microbus with the
shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
police officer's station.

Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at
the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
and told us never to be see driving garbage around the vicinity again,
which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station
there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
both immediately arrested.  Handcuffed.  And I said "Obie, I don't think I
can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on."  He said, "Shut up, kid.
Get in the back of the patrol car."

And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the
quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of
Stockbridge, Massachusets, where this happened here, they got three stop
signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the
Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars,
being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to
get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of
cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station.
They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and
they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each
one was to be used as evidence against us.  Took pictures of the approach,
the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to
mention the aerial photography.

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail.  Obie said he was going to put
us in the cell.  Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your
wallet and your belt."  And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my
wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you
want my belt for?"  And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings."  I
said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"
Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the
toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took
out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the
toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape.  Obie
was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice
(remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few
nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back
to the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,
and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.

We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back
of each one, sat down.  Man came in said, "All rise."  We all stood up,
and Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he
sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the
twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows
and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.
And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,
'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American
blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the
judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us.  And
we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but thats not
what I came to tell you about.

Came to talk about the draft.

They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street,
where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,
neglected and selected.  I went down to get my physical examination one
day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so
I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning.  `Cause I wanted to
look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted
to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,
and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all
kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave
me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604."

And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill.  I mean, I wanna, I
wanna kill.  Kill.  I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
guts and veins in my teeth.  Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
KILL, KILL."  And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and
he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
yelling, "KILL, KILL."  And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,
sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

Didn't feel too good about it.

Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,
detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me
at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four
hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty
ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was
inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no
part untouched.  Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the
last man, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,
and I walked up and said, "What do you want?"  He said, "Kid, we only got
one question. Have you ever been arrested?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre,
with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all
the phenome... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever
go to court?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on
the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want
you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .... NOW kid!!"

And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's
where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after
committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly
looking people on the bench there.  Mother rapers.  Father stabbers.  Father
rapers!  Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me!  And
they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the
bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly
'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me
and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?"  I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay
$50 and pick up the garbage."  He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"
And I said, "Littering."  And they all moved away from me on the bench
there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
said, "And creating a nuisance."  And they all came back, shook my hand,
and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the
bench.  And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of
things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it
up and said.

"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-
know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-
you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-
officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say", and talked for
forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had
fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,
and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it
down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the
pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the
other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on
the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the
following words:

("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")

I went over to the sargent, said, "Sargeant, you got a lot a damn gall to
ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm
sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin here on the Group W bench
'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army, burn women,
kids, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug."  He looked at me and
said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints
off to Washington."

And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a
study in black and white of my fingerprints.  And the only reason I'm
singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar
situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a
situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into
the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get
anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.".  And walk out.  You know, if
one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and
they won't take him.  And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,
they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them.
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an
organization.  And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said
fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and
walking out.  And friends they may thinks it's a movement.

And that's what it is , the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and
all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the
guitar.

With feeling.  So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and
sing it when it does.  Here it comes.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

That was horrible.  If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.
I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it
for another twenty five minutes.  I'm not proud... or tired.

So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part
harmony and feeling.

We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.

All right now.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Excepting Alice
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Da da da da da da da dum
At Alice's Restaurant

So I've listened to Arlo singing this (You Tube) and read a little about Arlo. He based this song on a lady called Alice Brock. She was the librarian at teh school Arlo attended. She then opened the restaurant. Now she has an art gallery in Provincetown Massachusetts. If I ever get anywhere near Provincetown I shall visit. Her work somethow reminds me of the artists we saw in T's gallery in Skien. What was her name again?





I'll report on the film adding it later.

Bliss
XX



 

Showing up for my father

I want to be in a Bauhaus environment - ha ha ha. Tomorrow I'll want something else ....

I'm beginning o embrace the bi-polar in me. Did I tell you that was diagnosed and now getting some real support with this. Finding a way to achieve balance within the polar extremes. It doesn't mean I have to stay on a straight line, there is away to include the variations healthily. I'm not sure how but I am sensing a change.

 

Following a conversation with JB I have been listening this morning to Mike and the Mechanics. I particular The Living Years. Gosh it speaks for a million other people and evidently did followwing the success of the song. As I was watching the You Tube video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8mPS0-2Xq8 I was also struck by Mike Rutherford. I don't know why but he strikes me as a humble man. Here he is with a band that I think he heads up and yet he doesn't want to be front man. It really seemed like a team. I am likely to have completely misread the scene. He stuck with being the musician he was where others I thnk would want or need to be the front man. Knowing one's strengths is a strength indeed. Trying to be strong at everything is not useful to anyone.

 

Anyway - the lyrics - so very different from Peter Gabriels Father ,Son song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXoAF_rBgR8

 

Mike and the mechanics' The Living Years

Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got

You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts

So Don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

Peter Gabriel's Father, Son

Father, son
Locked as one
In this empty room
Spine against spine
Yours against mine
Till the warmth comes through

Remember the breakwaters down by the waves
I first found my courage
Knowing daddy could save
I could hold back the tide
With my dad by my side

Dogs, plows and bows
We move through each pose
Struggling in our separate ways
Mantras and hymns
Unfolding limbs
Looking for release through the pain

And the yogi's eyes are open
Looking up above
He too is dreaming of his daddy's love
With his dad by his side
Got his dad by his side

Can you recall
How you took me to school
We couldn't talk much at all
It's been so many years
And now these tears
Guess I'm still your child

Out on the moors
We take a pause
See how far we have come
You're moving quite slow
How far can we go
Father and son

With my dad by my side
With my dad by my side
Got my dad by my side
With me

Is this love Eric?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x11NA63gLDM

If I could reach the stars I'd pull one down for you
Shine it on my heart so you could see the truth
That this love I have inside is everything it seems
But for now I find it's only in my dreams

CHORUS:
That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world

If I could be king even for a day
I'd take you as my queen I'd have it no other way
And our love will rule in this kingdom we have made
Till then I'd be a fool wishin' for the day

CHORUS:
That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world
Baby if I could change the world

- GUITAR SOLO -

CHORUS:
That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world
Baby if I could change the world
Baby if I could change the world

The first time I heard this was when I was in Dubai - see the previous post to realise the relevance of this

Bliss
XX

I'll show you everything - how love could be

Creed With Arms Wide Open  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPBlgmEeS1Q

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy
stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll
take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open


If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open....wide open




Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters

Amy Winehouse 14Sep83 - 23Jul11

Don't go to strangers - wow what a delivery of a song. It's so very bloody sad that addiction raped this young woman. A voice so rare and brilliant. A star. With such deep destruction at her core. The press are reporting a home detox as the cause of her death. We will never truly know I guess. I feel very sad as I watch a tribute to her hosted by Jools Holland

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuJscWYA-eI

I hope that link is never removed.
Build your dreams
To the stars above
But when you need someone true to love
Don't go to strangers
Lover come to me

Play with fire
Get your fingers burned
But when there's no place left to turn
Don't go to strangers
Lover come to me

You give the call to follow your heart
You'll follow your heart, I know
I've been around
I'm an old hand
I'll understand if you have to go

So make your mark
For your friends to see
But when you need more than company
Don't go to strangers
Lover come to me

Don't go to strangers
Lover come to me

Asking for a bike

I just out it out into the ether that I would like a bike to borrow or buy cheaply and JC sent this - he he. For every situation almist he has a song. What a memory!
It once again made feel something about the bike I cannot get back from Claire. How weird that all is really. Another person with lots of issues and blaming others. I can stand back yet I also feel sad. It was odd really as I was sort of pushed towards that friendship. Another one as well that my instincts told me something but I did as I was told as after all what did I know.
Anyhow she did help me out tremendoulsy but I got a trong feel it was with huge resentment. It was Claire that told me how my sponsor had been speaking about me behind my back and even told me things about me that were confidential with my sponsor. I was very, very hurt. More reasons not to trust. What I learnt though was not to trust them.
I cannot get my bike back and I think there is a box of paperwork still there. She rang my number clearly by accident as I called back and I have never heard anthing again.
There are some people in the rooms who it seems I am better of without. Oh well. I hope that whatever they are doing they are content with life. And growing in their recovery.

Anyway the song made me smile. I would like to borrow a bike with a bell and a basket on the front. Mine was a mountain bike all singing all dancing gears - very expensive. A gift from SH's parents. Lost and gone forever.
Pink Floyd - Bike
I've got a bike, you can ride it if you like.
It's got a basket, a bell that rings
And things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could, but I borrowed it.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I've got a cloak it's a bit of a joke.
There's a tear up the front. It's red and black.
I've had it for months.
If you think it could look good, then I guess it should.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I know a mouse, and he hasn't got a house.
I don't know why I call him Gerald.
He's getting rather old, but he's a good mouse.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I've got a clan of gingerbread men.
Here a man, there a man, lots of gingerbread men.
Take a couple if you wish. They're on the dish.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I know a room full of musical tunes.
Some rhyme, some ching, most of them are clockwork.
Let's go into the other room and make them work.

Temptation

(Tom Waits)

Rusted brandy in a diamond glass
Everything is made from dreams
Time is made from honey slow and sweet
Only the fools know what it means
Temptation, temptation, temptation
I can't resist
Well I know that she is made of smoke
But I've lost my way
He knows that I am broke
But I must pay him
Temptation, oh temptation, temptation, I can't resist
Dutch pink and Italian blue
He's there waiting for you
My will has disappeared
Now confusion is oh so clear
Temptation, temptation, temptation
I can't resist
Temptation, for love, temptation, temptation
I can't resist

Age

My Back Pages - Bob Dylan

Crimson flames tied through my ears
Rollin' high and mighty traps
Pounced with fire on flaming roads
Using ideas as my maps
"We'll meet on edges, soon," said I
Proud 'neath heated brow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth
"Rip down all hate," I screamed
Lies that life is black and white
Spoke from my skull. I dreamed
Romantic facts of musketeers
Foundationed deep, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.
Girls' faces formed the forward path
From phony jealousy
To memorizing politics
Of ancient history
Flung down by corpse evangelists
Unthought of, though, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.
A self-ordained professor's tongue
Too serious to fool
Spouted out that liberty
Is just equality in school
"Equality," I spoke the word
As if a wedding vow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.
In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.
Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect
Good and bad, I define these terms
Quite clear, no doubt, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Daleks and diodes

This is such a beautiful song......
I know someone who knows Nick Cave very well. He is the godfather to my associates daughter. But they aren't really in contact so often these days and so there is no easy way to introduce me to him. But then I laughed as I would make all this fuss to meet him to say what?????? What is the big deal of getting to meet someone I admire for his music and poetry and films. He is a creator that has gripped me from deep inside. I would stand there like a limone wanting desperately to say something inspiring and unique. Ha ha ha ha. The image of it makes me laugh!

The Ship Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKlaV-9Vzsk&feature=related
I would like to be loved the way he writes about love ...
Or maybe I would love to be loved the way I think and feel about love. I just don't seem to have met someone on the same wave length. Have I?

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

I don't believe in an interventionist god
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Oh, not to touch a hair on your head
Leave you as you are
If he felt he had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms

And I don't believe in the existence of angels
Looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
Ask them to watch over you
Oh, to each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms

But I believe in love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candles burning
Make her journey bright and pure
That she'll keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms

To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candle burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms       


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FG0-cncMpt8

ON the other hand this is so sad. Jealousy is how I understand it. I am always loathe to state what I interpret into a song in case I am so wrong and I never find out what other people understand from the meaning. We used to do that as teenagers, sit sharing songs and saying what we like about it or get from it. No one really does this anymore so it was fun sharing tracks with JH and really investing the time into that. I assume it was genuine on his part. I like learning from other people's interpretations ...

Get down, get down, little Henry Lee
And stay all night with me
You won't find a girl in this damn world
That will compare with me
And the wind did howl and the wind did blow
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee

I can't get down and I won't get down
And stay all night with thee
For the girl I have in that merry green land
I love far better than thee
And the wind did howl and the wind did blow
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee

She leaned herself against a fence
Just for a kiss or two
And with a little pen-knife held in her hand
She plugged him through and through
And the wind did roar and the wind did moan
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee

Come take him by his lily-white hands
Come take him by his feet
And throw him in this deep deep well
Which is more than one hundred feet
And the wind did howl and the wind did blow
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee

Lie there, lie there, little Henry Lee
Till the flesh drops from your bones
For the girl you have in that merry green land
Can wait forever for you to come home
And the wind did howl and the wind did moan
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee       

I was so thrilled when I learnt that Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds were on at Latitudes. I dragged ML right to the front and breathed his energy in. Mad man. It made me smile when ML turned round at the end and said she had never experienced anything like it before. I know what she means!!
I think he is unique. I read that he was inspired hugely by Anita Lane and listening to her there is an influence for sure.

 




Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
You can hear the boats go by
You can spend the night beside her
And you know that she's half crazy
But that's why you want to be there
And she feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from China
And just when you mean to tell her
That you have no love to give her
Then she gets you on her wavelength
And she lets the river answer
That you've always been her lover
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that she will trust you
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.
And Jesus was a sailor
When he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching
From his lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him
He said "All men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them"
But he himself was broken
Long before the sky would open
Forsaken, almost human
He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone
And you want to travel with him
And you want to travel blind
And you think maybe you'll trust him
For he's touched your perfect body with his mind.
Now Suzanne takes your hand
And she leads you to the river
She is wearing rags and feathers
From Salvation Army counters
And the sun pours down like honey
On our lady of the harbour
And she shows you where to look
Among the garbage and the flowers
There are heroes in the seaweed
There are children in the morning
They are leaning out for love
And they will lean that way forever
While Suzanne holds the mirror
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that you can trust her
For she's touched your perfect body with her mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwIZdh6MqIo&NR=1

Now he he is not a "real looker". And it once again reminds me that it's not about looks that makes someone sexy. I am attracted to the person who has the soul that creates what he creates. If I saw him I am sure I would think he was some kooky freak actually. I am so judgemental from looks. It disappoints me about me. But I suppose I am aware and so double check before actually acting on my judgement these days. I find Nick Cave very sexy indeed. His strange contorted dance movements are compelling. He he he I have a crush don't you think? Typical me to have a crush on a man who is a bit way out there. Mind you my friends seem to be getting to like him. And that's a funny thing because as much as I like it, I also am a little possessive. As if the admiration is all mine (and all the other millions). I like that I have introduced them to something they hadn't before heard and that it's a little off centre stuff. But then I don't want him to become mainstream within even my friends because then I am no longer alone in my off centreness and slightly different from my friends. This is ego stuff huh??
So I will enjoy that my friends are enjoying.
I do smile at myself for all these weird quirks I have going on as a narration. Constant chatter about this and thatter.


I am in the most peculiar phase and it's been with me some time now. Mainly life seems very bleak. I see how I have spent my life being ready to leave, move on. I very much see that with the places I have lived. I move in and am ready to move out. I think my dad was the same. I can recall him not liking anywhere we lived and be in a state of looking for the next place. Have I learnt that from him? What is that attitude. Nowhere is home. And yet on the positive side of that everywhere is home. I make a claim on nowhere and can be anywhere. Although there was that period of time when I felt incredibly insecure. It was when I returned from Spain and I didn't have anywhere permanent. It's so odd how I want something to be settled and solid and yet when I have it I can feel trapped by it and want to shake off the shackles.
What is this? Is this the bi-polar thinking?



You see I keep feeling so dark and deathly but then have equal glimpses of simplicity and serenity. I see the wonder and awe of the Universe just as it is with all it's its dysfunction as I look at some of the destruction on this planet by supposed intelligent human beings. But then I look at my specific part and think I just want to put an end to it. I don't want anything else particular except to be skinny perhaps. But even when I have been skinny it doesn't make anything any better. I can never be skinny enough and when skinny I don't feel sexy - blah blah blah. And now I am too old to be sexy. Oh you see I am truly discontented and so might as well end it.
I expect people would say this is depression. It probably is. I am trying to just function. Work is OK, a sort of distraction. It was even fun yesterday just Peter and I. I often think he doesn't have fun with me like he used to with IC and how he laughs with SH. But yesterday we had just a nice day together. Well I thought it was nice, we just got a long. He was so complimentary about my therapy style as well. It felt genuine too. Not the usual positive and encouraging type compliment.

I went to the meeting last evening and felt the serenity in the meeting. I felt the joys of life there. I do every time. It's upbeat and positive. I I sat looking at the different people there wondering if they just did get sober and life got better. It has not been that way for me. D keeps suggesting I call her, which I will today. She has invited me to visit her for a coffee which I would love to do. I know she has a "cure" attitude. Well she is a GP. I want her to be mummy somehow but I can see she is not a mummy sort.
I have encountered her on and off for years and then blow me over with coincidence, she is also a friend of a friend not in recovery. I like that the web of connections. Six degrees of separation again.

Daleks and diodes you may ask. Well JB is now creating using Action Men and Daleks. But his dalek diodes aren't working. Honestly I do listen to his conversations. Somehow I don't really engage with them. He goes on and on and on. He cares so much for other people but there is something about the way he is that just keeps people, well me, at an arms length. He takes over. Actually I don't listen to everything he says at all. I just have the phone to my ear. He is funny though. And very special for some reason to me.

Dinner with AM and ML this week. AM's house is lovely. A lovely feel to it. I could live there easily. Thing is I want it but if I got it would I feel at home enough to want to stay. I want someone else's permanence to hitch onto. Yes that's it. My mum's home was the terra firm for me and I could adventure out anywhere knowing that was there. A little like the theory of Marcia and and Erickson. The adolescent stages which is a time to go out adventuring and starting to really separate from the family of origin, experimenting more broadly with opinions and seeing how "me" fits into the bigger world. I am still wanting that somewhat. As I write it I cringe. But is it so wrong? No if I am aware of it and don't try to unconsciously impose my unconscious needs from that onto others. I wonder how many times I have actually been looking for a parent in a partner and getting the security of that to then go off and adventure and experiment being new secure me again. On my own I am incredibly insecure. And at this age I wonder if that's possible to change. It would not be possible surely to meet anyone who would manage me as me. As much as I think I am unlovable actually I simply haven't met anyone who was meeting me for me. As in the most recent relationship with JH. I have been thinking that I am bad, unlovable, rejected and so on. His wanting other women and not being able to be boundaried actually translated within me into me not being good enough or even enough and sooner or later he would be influenced away by someone that he found better. Me being just a passing phase. But there is also within that the fact that JH, despite saying he was in love with me and loved me as well as liking me, didn't love me the way I want to be loved. Different ideas of what this thing means. There was no compromise from him as much as there was a block for me.
Interesting.
I was going to write something else that occurred to me too but I have forgotten. Oh yes he didn't really love me for the way I am and couldn't seem to manage with me as me just as I couldn't with him and his women thingy. And probably an addiction to SL.

I need to get my head into my books and get on with my assignment. It's a lot of work and only 4 days to do it all in!! And tomorrow I want to go along to Art Natters. Will I? I hope to. And tonight I want to go to T's goodbye party. I don't want her to leave .....

I just read about a woman who acknowledged that she grieved the loss of her freedom before her child was born. She wasn't depressed or negative about her child at all. Quite the opposite but just acknowledging there were times when she grieved the freedom before parenthood. I love people's ability to be honest. Peeling back the layers. I am not sure what my honesty is at the moment and I am sure it's contributing to this dark mood that I am having.
Dark but with a bright light that twinkles. And that is true. I can be sitting and thinking or listening to someone when I see a twinkle, like a bright sparkle. It happens often throughout my day. I usually associate the sparkle with the person I listening to or looking at. It's more noticeable at those times although I am aware the sparkles occur at other times too. I see colours around things and people too. I remember the first time I truly noticed it. Well it was impossible  not to notice.
I was at a therapists I had been recommended to see. I saw her a couple of times when I was still with SH. As I sat opposite her green moved across her face and arms. Not the usual sort of see-through veil that wraps around and twirls about people. This was solid green at times blocking out her face and arms. I think her name was Kirsty but that name seems too young for the age she was. Anyway it threw me. I thought something was wrong with my eyesight. I have had thorough eye check ups and a brain scan and there is nothing apparently wrong in my brain. The colours come and go or rather I notice them at times and maybe just don't at other times.
But the sparkles I see as a regular feature throughout my day. I did not see them about JP recently. I have a dark feeling from him. SH does too. Nice person but darkness looms. That might sound just too spooky for some people. I don't often get that sense from people but it does happen.


Nick Cave - As I sat sadly by her side

As I sat sadly by her side
At the window, through the glass
She stroked a kitten in her lap
And we watched the world as it fell past
Softly she spoke these words to me
And with brand new eyes, open wide
We pressed our faces to the glass
As I sat sadly by her side

She said, "Father, mother, sister, brother,
Uncle, aunt, nephew, niece,
Soldier, sailor, physician, labourer,
Actor, scientist, mechanic, priest
Earth and moon and sun and stars
Planets and comets with tails blazing
All are there forever falling
Falling lovely and amazing"

Then she smiled and turned to me
And waited for me to reply
Her hair was falling down her shoulders
As I sat sadly by her side

As I sat sadly by her side
The kitten she did gently pass
Over to me and again we pressed
Our different faces to the glass
"That may be very well", I said
"But watch the one falling in the street
See him gesture to his neighbours
See him trampled beneath their feet
All outward motion connects to nothing
For each is concerned with their immediate need
Witness the man reaching up from the gutter
See the other one stumbling on who can not see"

With trembling hand I turned toward her
And pushed the hair out of her eyes
The kitten jumped back to her lap
As I sat sadly by her side

Then she drew the curtains down
And said, "When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers

And God does not care for your benevolence
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others
Nor does he care for you to sit
At windows in judgement of the world He created
While sorrows pile up around you
Ugly, useless and over-inflated"

At which she turned her head away
Great tears leaping from her eyes
I could not wipe the smile from my face
As I sat sadly by her side


Now this song creates the picture of the gloom yet awe that I am feeling. The more I know the sadder I am about the human destruction. The path narrows and what I see is that there is less that is OK and good for me. The bigger Universe is incredible, amazing and a creative wonder. But the smaller detail is dark and devastating. What people do to other people, supposedly caring people too.
This is exactly what's going on within me. There is a polar swing that is just so enormous and I can not seem to bring the two together somehow.
Nick Cave is brilliant you see. He has put into words how I am feeling. Confused by life.

Going for a while
Bliss
XX


Before I go - what about this for love poetry? Nick Cave of course
"Babe, You Turn Me On"

Stay by me, stay by me
You are the one, my only true love

The butcher bird makes it's noise
And asks you to agree
With it's brutal nesting habits
And it's pointless savagery
Now, the nightingale sings to you
And raises up the ante
I put one hand on your round ripe heart
And the other down your panties

Everything is falling, dear
Everything is wrong
It's just history repeating itself
And babe, you turn me on

Like a light bulb
Like a song

You race naked through the wilderness
You torment the birds and the bees
You leapt into the abyss, but find
It only goes up to your knees
I move stealthily from tree to tree
I shadow you for hours
I make like I'm a little deer
Grazing on the flowers

Everything is collapsing, dear
All moral sense has gone
It's just history repeating itself
And babe, you turn me on

Like an idea
Like an Atom bomb

We stand awed inside a clearing
We do not make a sound
The crimson snow falls all about
Carpeting the ground

Everything is falling, dear
All rhyme and reason gone
It's just history repeating itself
And, babe, you turn me on

Like an idea
Like an Atom bomb

Clues to where your destiny lies

Listen to the little clues....

Doodles, pages falling open in a book, people we meet and places we get to.
Whatever you feel has the power. So if you feel fear, it has the power.
Learn to recognise the fear and then draw on faith and trust.



Common People - Jarvis Cocker - Pulp.

She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge
She studied sculpture at Saint Martin's College
That's where I caught her eye
She told me that her Dad was loaded
I said in that case I'll have a rum and coke-cola
She said fine and in thirty seconds time she said

I want to live like common people
I want to do whatever common people do
I want to sleep with common people
I want to sleep with common people like you

Well what else could I do - I said I'll see what I can do
I took her to a supermarket
I don't know why but I had to start it somewhere, so it started there
I said pretend you've got no money
She just laughed and said oh you're so funny
I said yeah? Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here
Are you sure you want to live like common people
You want to see whatever common people see
You want to sleep with common people
You want to sleep with common people like me

But she didn't understand
She just smiled and held my hand

Rent a flat above a shop, cut your hair and get a job
Smoke some fags and play some pool, pretend you never went to school
But still you'll never get it right
'Cos when you're laid in bed at night watching roaches climb the wall
If you call your Dad he could stop it all
You'll never live like common people
You'll never do what common people do
You'll never fail like common people
You'll never watch your life slide out of view
And dance and drink and screw
Because there's nothing else to do

Sing along with the common people
Sing along and it might just get you thru'
Laugh along with the common people
Laugh along even though they're laughing at you
And the stupid things that you do
Because you think that poor is cool

Like a dog lying in a corner
They will bite you and never warn you, look out
They'll tear your insides out
'Cos everybody hates a tourist
Especially one who thinks it all such a laugh
And the chip stains and grease will come out in the bath
You will never understand
How it feels to live your life with no meaning or control
And with nowhere left to go
You are amazed that they exist
And they burn so bright whilst you can only wonder why

Wanna live like common people like you

I was talking with a friend about the film Never Let Me Go - he was likening it to the vast differences between the rich and the poor. I think he has an anger about this means it's difficult for me sometimes to pick through jealousy and resentment to keep the main point. I agree with the fundamental point but not the jealousy and blame. So yes these lines "You will never understand. How it feels to live your life with no meaning or control" ... are really biting. Money can buy a degree of freedom, a big degree of freedom compared with the lives of the poor. There is no way out. And I can see his point with the film. The clones have no choices and are in the grips of the "originals". Whilst it isn;t the point JB was making, I wonder if in the book the originals are those with money or if everyone has a clone. I imagine on the monied as someone is having to pay for the keeping of their clone in readiness ...
And so it is a point within a bigger point if that is the case. It's certainly not a point I saw clearly in the film but can liken the inevitability of the clones whilst the "originals" live on. And how on earth as Charlotte Rampling states would it be possible to ask people to return to Cancer, motor neuron diseases etc. The more people gain the more they want and the less likely they are to give up on things. I can certainly relate that to politics and states. People have things and stuff - they do not want to give this up for the sake of a more equal and united world. No, no, no.
I am in there. Here I am with two computers. How baffling. Will I give one away - nah! B ut I feel it sticking in my conscience despite the lack of drive to change the situation. I did give my computer away to a more deserving home when I got my laptop. HB and little HB still have it and it meant that they were able to be online and little HB will be even more computer literate. She is an incredibly bright kid. So is HB but somehow her addiction and health and self esteem have kept her trapped in a similar way - no hopers as there is not the medical support to get truly well. Just managed along with the others. We are the common people. Trapped and tricked into believing there is freedom. However, there is freedom of mind and with faith.

Grieving a person

St Swithin's Day - Billy Bragg


Thinking back now,
I suppose you were just stating your views
What was it all for
For the weather or the battle of agincourt
And the times that we all hoped would last
Like a train they have gone by so fast
And though we stood together
At the edge of the platform
We were not moved by them


With my own hands
When i make love to your memory
It's not the same
I miss the thunder
I miss the rain
And the fact that you don't understand
Casts a shadow over this land
But the sun still shines from behind it.


Thanks all the same
But i just can't bring myself to answer your letters
It's not your fault
But your honesty touches me like a fire
The polaroids that hold us together
Will surely fade away
Like the love that we spoke of forever
On st swithin's day

Kinky Kinks

Dirty old river, must you keep rolling
Flowing into the night
People so busy, makes me feel dizzy
Taxi light shines so bright
But I don't need no friends
As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset's fine

Terry meets Julie, Waterloo Station
Every Friday night
But I am so lazy, don't want to wander
I stay at home at night
But I don't feel afraid
As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset's fine

Millions of people swarming like flies 'round Waterloo underground
But Terry and Julie cross over the river
Where they feel safe and sound
And they don't need no friends
As long as they gaze on Waterloo sunset
They are in paradise

Waterloo sunset's fine

A little bit of love lingers on ....

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost you witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
That I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

I see my life come shining

I shall be released

They say everything can be replaced.
That every distance is not near.
So I remember every face
Of every man who put me here.

They say every woman needs protection,
Then they turn around and tell you
Every woman's got to fall.
I swear I see my own reflection
Somewhere far beyond this wall.

I see my light come shining
From the west down to the east.
Any day now, any day now,
I shall be released.

Now yonder stands
There in that lonely crowd,
A man who swears he is not to blame, no, no.
And if you ask him has he ever seen this lonely woman,
He'll tell you, "No, no, no."
What's more, he does not know my name!

But I see my light come shining,
Shining, shining, shining from the west
Straight on down to the east.
Ah-anyday now, any, any old day now,
I am going to, I am going to be released, yeah!

They tell ya, tell ya every woman,
They tell ya every woman
Got to have protection,
Then they turn around and tell ya,
"No! We gotta make that-a woman fall!"
Oh, god, I swear! I swear I see,
I see my, my very own reflection
Far and away beyond, way, way beyond
These old walls!

That's right! I see, I see my light, my light,
My light is shining, shining, shining,
Shining, shining, shining, shining
From the west straight on down to the east.
And any day now, do you hear me?
Any day now, I shall be,
I am going to be released!

Any day now, any day now, any day now,
Any, any day now, oh, any day now,
Any day, any day, any day,
Any day, any day, any day,
Woah, any day, any day, any old day now,
Yeah, any day now
I am going to, I shall be released!

Woah, any day now, I shall see again!
Any day now, I shall be free again!
Any day now, they'll let me be again!
Oh, any day now, any day now, any day now,
Whoa, help me, any day, any day,
Any old day now . .

A Wash of Grief - do miss the good bits

I was just listening to this and it brought on the grief - missing the things that I thought the relationship was - and it wasn't after all. Sad it didn't work. And this is the feeling of loss I feel that comes from somewhere deep within - it is odd and untenable. I think it is linked with hormones!! I do feel physically different this afternoon - bloated and hot flushes occurring. With it comes an emotional change of overpowering enormity and deep deep sadness that seems inexplicable. It is so sudden. It is so weird!
It does not detract from the fact that I am sad that a relationship I hoped for didn't work out and he is off continuing with other women and with that I assume he does not have the feelings - he probably had too much of this with the breakdown of his marriageg and this is his escape from that??? I don't know and never will because he was not able to be honest maybe not aware - who knows. The full truth will never be known. And that is when this deep deep feeling attaches to something gone from the past - my mum, my childhood, people who have past through, my old career, old relationships.... so weird.

Before It's Too Late lyricsSongwriters: Rzeznik, John;
I wandered through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
And I stood at a distance to feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

And hold on before it's too late
We'll run 'til we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

And the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost

So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

And hold on before it's too late
We'll run 'til we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

So live like you mean it
Love 'til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives

So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

Hold on before it's too late
We'll run 'til we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

And hold on before it's too late
We'll run 'til we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that I need in my life