Job lot of marketing strategies

Steve Jobs, in his element, extolling the virtues of his company's products to an enthusiastic crowd.

What Steve Jobs Could Teach You About Small Business Marketing
In his all too brief time among us, Steve Jobs redefined the way many of us live out lives. But what could the founder of Apple, a company on pace to sell roughly $200 billion worth of electronic gadgets and content downloads this year, teach you about small business marketing?
Do they apply if you’re doing business strictly on a local level? After all, even in their infancy, Apple was still larger than your local corner store, pizza place, hair salon, or auto care provider. Jobs couldn’t possibly devine the intricacies of how to sell more pizza, bring in more dental patients, or ensure that your shop is THE place in town to get a transmission fixed, could he? Well…..
In fact, Jobs was the consummate marketer, and the lessons one can glean from Apple’s rise to being one of the preeminent brands in the world today are just as applicable to business owners when their market extends for a 10 mile radius, as it is to huge, multi-national corporations.
Jobs Marketing Lesson 1 – Make your customers fanatics about your brand, products, and services
. Apple is about to enter the TV market, and whether or not they redefine the category, they’ll doubtlessly pursue the same marketing strategies that have served so well in creating generics in the consumer’s mind for portable music player and tablet computer.
It’s all about the product or service you provide. Make sure your products or services have their intended customer firmly in mind, and no mater what the competition is doing, find a way to hit the proverbial nail on the head when it comes to meeting their expectations.
In fact, go beyond that, and do what Apple has so often done, redefine the customer experience with what you’re selling, so that your customers would rather buy from no one else. Take it a step further, and you’ll get what Apple has so successfully created time and again; viral products and services; ones that consumers can’t wait to recommend to their friends, family, and associates.
That’s how you build a brand that stands on it’s own and has so much equity that when you release a new pizza, the place is packed and customers are lined up for one. Give them what they want, and then some. Take it past that point of mere satisfaction, to deliver something they didn’t even know they wanted.
Obviously, you’re not going to redefine your products if you’re running the local mini-mart chain, but you can redefine the customer experience, no matter what business you’re running. Only then will your customers take over the marketing for you, and run with it.
Obviously Steve Jobs was a master at creating the kind of products and services that consumers evangelized to the point where competition was almost pointless (Sorry, Zune). Innovate correctly and customers really will beat a path to your doorstep. It wasn’t all about Apple, either. Millions have enjoyed the Pixar creations he had a hand in too, such as Toy Story, Cars, and Finding Nemo.
Jobs Marketing Lesson 2 – Be Highly Recognizable.
Stand apart, in a good way of course. You’d never mistake an Apple product for anything else, or anything else for an Apple product, and that’s just the way Jobs intended. Make your products, services, and your brand be a shining beacon that can’t be missed and attracts consumers like that compelling angler fish light in Nemo….. You might not want to bite them, though.
Ensuring your brand and products are recognizable not only helps them stand out among them plethora of other things competing for their attention in our stimulus packed world, it makes it hard to forget, easier to talk about, and more likely to be shared. There’s that viral component again.
Jobs Marketing Lesson 3 – Cross Channel Marketing Rocks!
Jobs implemented masterful, cross channel marketing campaigns, combining creative print, online, PR, viral, and broadcast elements in a synergistic way that delivered far more than either could on their own. He also mastered the art of the personal appearance, especially for product introductions, which saw teeming throngs, hanging on his every word. Of course, the fact that he was akin to a god in the minds of some consumers, media members, and industry figures surely didn’t hurt, but it does segue nicely into the next Jobs marketing lesson……..
Jobs Marketing Lesson 4 – Become the Authority.
That’s right, become THE one people turn to in your area when they need what you’re selling. Jobs did just that with Apple. How do you do that? Well, excelling is surely a great place to start, but the fact is that for every Dr. Oz, Dave Ramsey, and Martha Stewart, there are hundreds, or even thousands, of others who are just as well qualified.
It’s true, you can become the authority people turn to, even if you are not always the best qualified candidate for the job. It all comes down to shameless self promotion and skillful media mastery. Sing your praises, or better yet, get a recognized authority figure to do it for you. Press releases, personal appearances, and guest spots on local radio and TV shows do wonders in this regard.
Think it’s impossible? Hogwash! Editors and producers are looking for high quality content every day, and need to interview subject matter experts on nearly any subject you can imagine. The exponential demand increase for media content has been a real boon for this kind of marketing. It takes very few such appearances in your local market, provided you don’t make a complete ass of yourself, to cement your reputation as the place to go for whatever you provide.
Another highly effective strategy to achieve expert status in consumers’ minds is to become an author. Can’t write? Well, many of those experts whose books you’ve got stashed on your Kindle can’t either. That’s what ghost writers are for. Nothing is more impressive than being a best selling author, but you needn’t achieve a spot on the coveted Amazon best seller list in order to gain a significant reputation and visibility increase through authorship.
It’s also easier now than ever before to pull this sort of thing off. You don’t need to have an uncle who’s a Random House exec to get your book published anymore. You can self publish to start, have your book print on demand, and get it sold on Amazon for a song. High quality, free lance editors would be happy to take on your project for a relatively affordable figure, which is important, even if you can write, because there’s nothing like another set of eyes.
What it comes down to is that having “Author” after your name carries some weight, and can be leveraged to create more business for you. The same is true for any authority boosting media coverage, and even better, most of this is f-r-e-e, just like your credit report. If you don’t have the time or knowledge to do it yourself, there are many companies that are all too happy to give you a hand in turning you into the Steve Jobs of Seattle auto repair or Orthodontics.
Steve Jobs was a true master who developed his companies into industry leaders using the power of innovative marketing. He embraced a product driven, multi-channel strategy, with a highly recognizable brand,m products and services, and positioned himself as the authority people turned to. You can do the same for your business, too.

Conflict at work

It happens. I don't know of any workplace that doesn't have conflict. Ignoring it or trying to get one person to agree with another isn't the solution. It will keep growing and can cause stress, unhappiness, dysfunctional teams, affected efficiency. All round it's not in any way ideal. But how to resolve conflict when there are two or more people who are completely opposing each other. People will have their points of view that can be entirely contentious. Here are some tips that I've found on the Internet ..

1: Realize that conflicts are inevitable at work

Show me a workplace without conflict and I’ll show you a workplace where no one gives a damn. Whenever people are engaged, committed and fired up, conflict and disagreement is bound to happen. This doesn’t mean you have to revel in conflict or create trouble just for the hell of it, but it does mean that when conflict happens it’s not the end of the world. Quite the contrary, it can even be the beginning of an interesting learning process. The very best and most efficient workplaces are not the ones without conflicts but those who handle conflicts constructively.
Particularly when a workplace is changing and new ideas are being dreamt up and implemented, conflict is inevitable. There can be no business change without conflict. The trick is to make sure that you also have no conflict without change, because that is the truly dangerous thing: Conflicts that go on for years with all parties refusing to budge.
The fact that you have a conflict at work does not reflect badly on you – it mostly means that you care enough to disagree strongly. That’s a good thing provided that you do something about the conflict instead of just letting it go on forever.

2: Handle conflict sooner rather than later

This is the single most important tip to successfully resolve conflicts: Do it now! It’s very tempting to wait for a conflict to blow over by itself, but it rarely does – in most cases it only gets worse with time. I refer you to this delightful cartoon by Claire Bretecher for an example.
90% of conflicts at work do not come from something that was said, but from something that wasn’t said! It’s tempting to try and smooth things over and pretend everything is normal. Don’t. That’s the most common reason why conflicts at work escalate: Nobody does anything. Everyone’s waiting for the other guy to pull himself together and “just admit he’s wrong, dammit”. It may be unpleasant to tackle the issue here and now but believe me, it gets even more unpleasant after the conflict has stewed for a good long while.

3: Ask!

In the early stages of a conflict the most powerful tool to resolve it is simple: Ask! If somebody has done something that made you angry, if you don’t understand somebody’s viewpoint, if you don’t understand their actions – ask!
Do it nicely. “Say, I was wondering why you did ‘X’ yesterday” or “I’ve noticed that you often do ‘Y’. Why is that?” are good examples. “Why the hell do you always have to ‘Z’!” is less constructive :o)
Sometimes there’s a perfectly good reason why that person does what he does, and a potential conflict evaporates right there. Also: Never assume that people do what they do to annoy you or spite you. People typically have a good reason to do the things they do, even the things that really get on your nerves. Never assume bad faith on anyone else’s part. Instead: Ask!

4: Giraffe language

For more entrenched conflicts that have been going on for a while, use giraffe language. It’s the best tool around for constructively conveying criticism and solving conflict.
An example: You and a co-worker often clash at meetings. It’s gotten to the point where each of you are just itching to pounce on the slightest mistake the other person makes. You can barely stand the sight of each other and have begun to avoid each other as much as you can. This has been going on for a while now.
Here’s how you can use giraffe language to address the conflict. There’s an invitation and six steps to it:
Invitation
Invite the other person to talk about the situation. An example:
“Say John, I’d really like to talk to you. Do you have half an hour some time today? We could meet in meeting room B”.
A hurried conversation at your desk between emails and phone calls won’t solve anything. You need an undisturbed location and time to address the issue. And make no mistake: Giving this invitation may be the hardest part of the whole process. It can be remarkably hard to take that first step. Do it anyway!
At the meeting itself, you need a way to structure the conversation constructively. Otherwise it could easily go like this:
The good thing about giraffe language is that the conversation doesn’t degenerate into mutual accusations. Without a proper structure the meeting could also go like this:
“John, why are you always attacking me at meetings?”
“What are you talking about – I don’t do that!”
“You do. Yesterday you jumped on me for suggesting that we add en extra programmer to the team.”
“We’ve talked about that a thousand times, we don’t have the budget for more people.”
“That was no reason to stomp me and the idea at the meeting.”
“Well that’s what you did to me when I suggested that we review the project model.”
Etc. etc. etc.
Ever had one of those discussions at work? Not much fun and not very productive either! Giraffe language keeps accusations, assumptions and mutual attacks out of the conversation and makes it much more likely to reach a solution.
Here’s how it goes. It’s important that you prepare the meeting thoroughly and write down notes to each step so you know what you’re going to say. After each of the steps (except ii and iii) ask the other person if he agrees with your thinking and if he’d like to add anything.
i) Observation. Identify what you see in neutral, objective terms.
“John, I’ve noticed that in our project meetings, we get very critical of each others ideas. For instance, the other day you suggested reviewing our project model and I jumped on you for suggesting it, though it’s actually a necessary step. I have noticed that we’ve ended up doing something like this in almost every meeting in the last few months. It also seems to be getting worse. Would you agree with this description of the situation?”
This is where you describe the facts of the situation as objectively as possible. What is actually happening? When and how is it happening? What is the other person doing and, not least, what are you doing? You’re only allowed to cite observable facts and not allowed to assume or guess at what the other person is thinking or doing. You can say “I’ve noticed that you’re always criticizing me at our meetings” because that’s a verifiable fact. You can’t say “I’ve noticed that you’ve stopped respecting my ideas” because that assumes something about the other person.
ii) Apologize. Apologize for your part in the conflict.
“John, I want to apologize for attacking you at the meetings. It has a bad effect on the mood of our meetings and I can see that it makes you angry. I apologize.”
If you’re 100%, totally and utterly without fault in the conflict you may skip this step. That doesn’t happen too often, let me tell you, usually everyone involved has done something to create and sustain the conflict. Remember: You’re not accepting the entire blame, you’re taking responsibility for your contribution to the situation.
iii) Appreciate. Praise the other part in the conflict. Tell them why it’s worth it to you to solve the conflict.
“I know we don’t always see eye to eye and that we have very different personalities but I want you to know that I really appreciate your contribution to the project. Without you we would never have gotten this far in the same time. Also the way you communicate with our clients and your ability to find out what they really want are second to none and a boost to the project.”
This can be difficult, few people find it easy to praise and appreciate a person they disagree strongly with, but it’s a great way to move forward. It also serves as a lithmus test: If you can’t think of a single positive thing to say about the other person, you may not be ready to resolve the conflict yourself. In this case see tip 5 (mediation) below.
iv) Consequences. What has the conflict led to for you and for the company? Why is it a problem?
“I don’t like this situation we have now. It’s making me anxious before meetings and it’s making the meetings less productive. I also think some of the other project members are starting to wonder what it’s all about. Jane asked me the other day why the two of us can never agree on anything. I think this is actually harming the project. Would you agree?”
Outlining the consequences of the conflict shows why it’s necessary to resolve the conflict. It also helps participants to look beyond themselves and see the conflict “from the outside”.
v) Objective. What would be a good outcome.
“I would like for us to listen more an appreciate each others ideas more. You have some great ideas and even if I don’t agree with an idea, I can still listen and make constructive suggestions. Does that sound like a good goal?”
It’s essential to set a goal so both parties know the outcome they’re aiming for. That makes reaching the outcome a lot more likely :o)
vi) Request. Ask for specific actions that can be implemented right away.
“I suggest that we introduce a new rule: At meetings when one of us suggest something and the other person disagrees, we start by saying what’s good about the idea and then say how it could be better. Also if we start to attack each other as we have before, I suggest we both excuse ourselves from the meeting and talk about it in private instead of in front of the entire team. Also, what do you say we have a short talk after our next project meeting to evaluate how it went. How does that sound?”
The standard version of giraffe language has four steps and is formulated slightly differently. What you see here is an adaptation of traditional giraffe language to the business world that is more suited to conflicts at work.
Why is it called giraffe language? Because the giraffe has the biggest heart of any animal on dry land (it needs to, to pump blood all the way up to its brain). The great thing about giraffe language is that:

• It gives structure to a difficult conversation
• It minimizes assumptions and accusations
• It focuses on the real problems not just the symptoms
• It results in a plan of action – not just vague assuarances to do better

5: Get mediation

George, the CEO of Wilbey & Sons, wanted Jane and Scott, his sales and financial managers, to work well together, but he also knew that something new was need to break the ice between them. He invited them to a meeting in his office and as they sat there, next to each other across his desk, the resentment between them was apparent – you could sense how they were each ready to spring into action and defend themselves.
His opening took them both by surprise, though. “Jane, would you please tell me what you admire about Scott.” This was not what they had expected, and Jane needed a moment to get her mind around that particular question.
“Well… he… it’s… I have to say that his reports are always excellent and that his department runs like clockwork. Also he handled that situation with the bank last month quickly and without a hitch”.
The CEO’s next question was “And Scott, what do you appreciate about Jane?” Having heard the first question, Scott was caught less by surprise and smoothly replied “Sales are up 17% this quarter because of her last campaign and it looks like the trend will continue.And I must say that the customers I talk to all like the new pricing structure she introduced.”
From that moment on the mood in the room had shifted, and the three of them could have a real conversation about Scott and Jane’s differences and how to resolve them. Though they never became friends, they were able to work effectively together and appreciate each other’s strengths.

Some conflicts are so entrenched that they can not be solved by the participants alone; outside help is needed in the form of conflict mediation. Mediation involves finding a third party trusted by the people involved in the conflict, and then trusting that person to help find a solution. The mediator can be a manager, HR employee, a business coach, a co-worker, etc. You can still speed up the mediation process by preparing for it by using the giraffe language steps above.

What if all of this doesn’t work?

There is no guarantee that the method described here will resolve your conflict at work. It may or it may not. But even if it doesn’t work you have the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve tried. You have risen above the conflict for a while and tried to address it positively and constructively. No one can ask more of you.
One kind of conflict at work is particularly tricky, namely a conflict with your manager. With a good manager who responds constructively to criticism, this is rarely a problem, but a conflict with a bad or insecure manager can seriously impact your working situation and needs special handling.

This is the kind of conflict I have - the manager and the team leader. It's so troubling I cannot clear my mind of it and I'm talking about the issue all over the place. I'm looking for the solution and strategies for dealing with the issue. Of course there's a big part of me that wants her to see it my way. Or even the teams way. But that is definitely not the solution. I just don;t know how to come to some resolution. I want to find the tips for handling this situation ....

http://positivesharing.com/ - a very useful Blog

Listen for the gaps

Speaking with a fellow I am reminded of The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle. Something that was a special moment for me was his suggestion to listen for the gaps between the sounds. It was as if the world of sound slowed right down. I could distinguish separate sounds and the sound I was listening to became so crystal clear despite the distance between me and the source of the sound. i remember that I was sitting in the garden of a villa in Majorca, a friend at that time had given a weeks stay for myself and SH. Things between him and I were fraught at the time and so a lot of the time I was sitting alone in the warm sunshine. I was listening to sounds from across the sea inlet and marvelled at the sudden slowness of sound. And he also suggested looking for the gaps between the molecules and however small things became, like the gaps between rain drops and then the gaps between the water molecules making up the rain, again everything slowed. D just reminded me to sit and wait for the next thought. How utterly beautiful is that idea in itself. I shall take a time of quiet to sit and wait for the next thought.l He suggests that it will be surprising how I might be able to sit in the suspension of the waiting. I will look for the thought and not concentrate on wanting the suspension.
He says too that the fact that I am looking inwards is enough. Trying for perfectionism or attainment is not necessary.
How so very gentle indeed. Freeing, serene, gracious.
I am delighted to have spoken with D and before her L, who seems a little more uptight but entering into this programme in early days. She sounds like she wants to get it right and seems to be questioning and uncertain. That's OK and hardly surprising. She has found FA through her daughter and how remarkably humble that seems to me.
I love being abstinent and I love the fellowship. I love the connections I make. Thank you God. It's your grace that gives this to me and keeps me abstinent and connected.

Bliss
XX

Manic

I think I may be a little "high". I realised this with little tell-tale signs. Such as spending money, paranoia and wanting to write down every little thought. Such as this one. My thoughts seem a little racy and at times, as with the ideas for a new job, there's a touch of grandiosity and also a sense of NOW, urgency. Also I'm finding it difficult and anxiety is increasing to deal with daily issues, they seem enormous and require decisions. I have some ideas for things as I have had with fostering that seem utterly do-able and reasonable to me yet a couple of friends had questioned if I'm high. I just think they're being boring.
What's going on, i.e. the high stress situation at work and an ever increasing study workload could be the cue for this mild high. I don;t know if it's a high because it's very usual for me to be feeling and thinkng how I do.
The paranoia takes the form of me thinking GB doesn't like being around me and my endless nonsense chatting, so when she knows I'm arriving she takes herself off to bed. And then I also think LK may be recording us in the office on her phone and earphone thingy. I also think she's trying to utilise my defect of self-hatred b dropping in little comments, such as " I was surprised that B and C said they didn't know you at all". Whether they know me or not is immaterial, it's her saying it that I question. Is this slight paranoia? I am concerned that neighbours can overhear all my telephone conversations. I can hear downstairs so I assume he can hear me. I never hear the ones to the side but they are always alone so they don;t seem to talk at all.

I was also just pondering the idea that people lack harmony between each other and this is humanness not God. I am confused about me judging LK as quite unwell. What right do I have to make such a judgement. I strongly sense anger and dislike or contempt or disdain from her towards me. So this is disharmony or harmony between us? Harmony in the semse that I sense something strong from her to me and in return I dislike and disrespect her. From the start she wasn't ever going to PD but I wasn't expecting this. So where does the discord begin? I simply don't like what I see. This is disharmony then on whose part? There is no harmony between us and it seems that it's not possible to find a middle road because she is unwilling to shift. She has no boundaries - I am making a judgement. Maybe she has but her boundaries are so very different from my own. God please can you show me how harmony can be achieved with this situation. I trust that it is possible.
And then I asked my sponsor B about my confusion and she helped me. What I have understood but I suspect not yet felt is this:
Keeping the focus on me for a moment and truly knowing that I have this mental illness whereby I have self hatred, when I make mistakes I judge myself so harshly I tend annihilate myself. So when people appear to be judging me I assume they want to annihilate me. Now when I can stop wanting to annihilate myself and start loving me rather than hating me, then I will love all and it won't matter if they are judging me harshly or not. It's the same experience I have had learning about friendship. I never trusted anyone was really a friend, that they would harm me in some way at some point. The truth is that people can and do because they are human but because I trust myself in friendships I am less concerned that they will abandon me and if they do I know that I will be OK. Of course the annihilation can step in so very quickly even though I've had some shift in this area. Again I can all too quickly turn it on myself saying "see, you're not worthy of friendships and no one likes you!". This is a total lie. Lots of people like me and show that they like me with their warmth and friendliness.
I have so much to learn. How often I talk about loving learning. This brings a smile to me as loving learning means I have to have lessons. I don't like the pain of lessons though. I want it all to be painless and smooth. That's no way to learn, not to truly learn so that it becomes a part of my very essence. Otherwise it's purely an intellectual experience. The real lessons come from specific experiences.

I had a horrible dream this morning. I woke up feeling dreadful and very sad. AB and I had a terrible argument. It was public in the fact that ML was there, GB and RB too. Ab was venting how fed up with me she was. This I think is possibly my paranoia playing out. But also how upset and angry I was back at her. I have woken up realising how much I value her and our friendship. I would not want AB to be distant in my life. I do worry that she doesn't want me there so much. But I also think I am quite snappy with AB at the moment. She is more controlling mode right now, drinking more and quite abrupt or snappy at times. I am snappy back fending off her controlling. I see her quite irascible with her mum and telling her sister what she needs to do when she does nothing for herself at all. I have a feeling that as T's visit gets closer (I don't know if it's even happening) that this might be adding to her angst but she's not talking about it. I get a feeling that something is underlying. Her angst decreased slightly after the bridge lunch was over. She was very irascible prior to that. And there were 2 women coming that she had problems with. I have a sense that her issue with the very rich lady is something to do with her own pride around wealth. AB is very complex and very private.
I will tell her how much I value her as my friend and all that she does for me too. And I will try to be less snappy. God please can you help me with harmony in this situation too?
LouLou is lying beside fast asleep.Her paws are against my leg and she's dreaming I suspect as her paws are all twitching. It's so cute. I need to get up and prepare my breakfast but I don't want to disturb her. She rarely sits with me anymore. Is it because she's getting older or because she has move her real alliance to GB or because I'm often stressed??
Who knows. All I know is I love her anyway so so deeply. I wish we could be together forever.

Bliss
XX

Titus

The Triumph of Titus - Lawrence Alma-Tadema

Titus Andronicus, Roman general, returns from ten years of war with only four out of twenty-five sons left. He has captured Tamora, Queen of the Goths, her three sons, and Aaron the Moor. In obedience to Roman rituals, he sacrifices her eldest son to his own dead sons, which earns him Tamora's unending hatred and her promise of revenge.
Tamora is made empress by the new emperor Saturninus. To get back at Titus, she schemes with her lover Aaron to have Titus's two sons framed for the murder of Bassianus, the emperor's brother. Titus's sons are beheaded. Unappeased, she urges her sons Chiron and Demetrius to rape Titus's daughter Lavinia, after which they cut off her hands and tongue so she cannot give their crime away. Finally, even Titus's last surviving son Lucius is banished from Rome; he subsequently seeks alliance with the enemy Goths in order to attack Rome. Each new misfortune hits the aged, tired Titus with heavier impact. Eventually, he begins to act oddly and everyone assumes that he is crazy.
Tamora tries to capitalize on his seeming madness by pretending to be the figure of Revenge, come to offer him justice if Titus will only convince Lucius to cease attacking Rome. Titus, having feigned his madness all along, tricks her, captures her sons, kills them, and makes pie out of them. He feeds this pie to their mother in the final scene, after which he kills both Tamora and Lavinia, his own daughter. A rash of killings ensue; the only people left alive are Marcus, Lucius, Young Lucius, and Aaron. Lucius has the unrepentant Aaron buried alive, and Tamora's corpse thrown to the beasts. He becomes the new emperor of Rome.

Adapted from Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus the film Titus -- mmmmm well the start of it is very mmmm, grandiose and not at all what I was expecting. Glad I watched it.
Bliss
XX

Rains, wild flowers and things

Goat gazing

What's wrong with my arm for goodness sake. It started aching about two days ago and now I can barely move it! What the fuck? As Lyn Skip would say, played by George Clooney.
Written by Jon Ronson based on his own exploration and made into a film directed by Grant Heslov (I am sure AM told me it was a Coen Brothers film). Having seen Jon Ronson reading from his new book The Psychopath Test, last night at the Notting Hill Book Slam, I thought I should watch this film. I think this was his second book. What a very funny man. This story is about the secret psychic soldiers.

Essence of Wodehouse

I just heard an adaptation of one of his books and the way he described one of the characters as being tall but not with a width that usually makes tall look impressive. I was looking at a guy this evening whose jeans hang in such a way that doesn't make slim look sexy. There's an excess of jean material, yet if worn tighter would surely make him look peculiar if not perverted. Unfortunate. He strikes me as a nice guy though. And as long as I remove my thinking about the quick solution being in a relationship, it might be possible to simply stick with him being a nice guy.
Yep the made thinking prevails but the correctional thinking seeps in - for now and thank God
Bliss
XX

On a banal barge

Just had my hair cut. Now for most I realise this is something that is part of life. For me it's such a big deal. I really am uncomfortable with the whole process of going to the salon. And then they expect me to know what I want done and all I want is to look like Angelina Jolie or someone equally as stunning and sexy. It never happens.
So they ask me how much to take off and do I want layers etc etc. I have absolutely NO idea.
But this girl is really gentle and talks through suggestions. She isn't too radical as I can tend to think radical but be too scared to be radical. She is moderate yet experimental. And she seems to know how to manage my strangely curly/straight mix of hair.
She doesn't force products and colours or try to sell sell sell another appointment. Also she takes me to a quieter region of the salon away from all the "flirtiness" of the fashion conscious glamour pusses. And best of all, she doesn't want to chat about stuff I really am not interested in. I don't need her to be my friend or counsel me and I really just want her to concentrate and do her job well and get me the hell outta there!
So all is well. It's the first time in I can't remember how many decades that I've returned to the same hairdresser - well this was my second visit in about 6 months so this is definitely working for me.
And I quite like the cut. Shorter and graduated at the back. Still scrunch dried as I cannot be bothered with all that styling and brushing etc. Also I'm gradually getting rid of the colour to see how it looks a natural greying colour
We'll see

Wearing the warring

Thank goodness for lieu time. Yesterday was a whole day off and unwinding was taking place. The wearing down that goes on in the place of work at this time is literally draining of energy. It's horrible. A shouting match between LK and AW, chaos and mismanagement. It's exhausting. And inconsistency is wearing too. I never really know what the procedures are and I just think OH OK that's the track she's taking with this particular issue. So I start to follow that track and suddenly it's as if she's tricked me into thinking that's the route to follow and she now literally does a complete turnaround. As a consequence I look incompetent and she comes out all smelling of roses. It's crazy making.
So to get out of the office is just heaven. Thank you God for that extra day.
BUT my heart wasn't in to finding a job, as in any old job. I've got this feeling of working for someone that provides a sense of free flowing. Someone who respects me although expects a good job to be done. Someone who is tolerant of my way including my imperfections, but that sort of thing can all be out in the open. Being out in the open seems appealing too but not all the time, the freedom to have both. And the freedom to take a bit of personal time in the knowledge that all the work will be done and free time not taken advantage of. I liked the idea of my clients work. A farm, someone to be the face of the business, so developing and maintaining contacts, without me having to be the main name. Some office work, some outside, some travelling about, some quiet, some people involved. And there;s a house along with the job. No travelling to work, it's right there on the spot. And reasonable reimbursement for costs, respectful salary and perks like free time. Yes it all sounds on the surface of it just what I'd like. It's this sense of freedom, trust to be free roaming. Time to work and time for me.
Anyway as I looked at websites I realised that nothing there seemed to offer this. Furthermore, saying to a recruitment agent that I want something that feels light and free, well I'm sure they are completely baffled by that.
So I did get to the housing support people. She was very gentle and listened to me. She gave me a form to fill in that may mean my points are raised with a  view to getting accommodation closer to the B's. Is that what I want? I think it's what I want. I like this little village but I don't like being so far away from everyone. Everyone who or far away from what I don't really know. It just has never actually felt right here.
Something I had a glimpse of actually feeling rather than intellectualising is the knowledge that I am not trapped at work or home. I'm simply waiting for the next right thing to reveal itself. I didn't know I was waiting regarding work over the last 3 years. I was enjoying what I had even though I had moans and groans. Things can always be improved even when they're good. But now the situation is awful for me, I'm waiting for something else to manifest. I did do some things productively, like starting the resume for the Natural Health Centre, Kingston. And the meeting with the housing lady. I booked a hair cut for today, I spoke with my tutor, I relaxed, I bought some supplements that might help the pains in my side - i.e. colon cleansing, magnesium and lecithin which allegedly can help breakdown the gall stones. I forgot to take the colon cleansing tablets at bedtime. But just the first dose of magnesium and lecithin and I did feel things moving about as I sat listening during the AA meeting last evening. And what a lovely, interesting share. C is one of those people that I sense an avoidance of people. An anger I detect. And yet she is someone I'd like to get to like me. There's that addict/avoidant dynamic I think. It became clearer only when she said that she finds being with people difficult. And I could sense a detached approach. It's not dissimilar to that of a friend of mine. Oddly enough AM who says she's avoidant seems so much more an addict who is controlling that through detachment. There seems to be a difference slightly. There are similarities but different. There are similarities between addict and avoidant too - the end result is a lack of intimacy.
Anyway I did listen with interest and wanted to know more. She told things in such a way that there was enough detail to be really personal. I am far too general to keep people out!
To something quite amazing this morning. I received a call from an FA lady who ha recently become aware of her own abuse from the past. I feel very sad that this has happened to her. It is simply awful that this has happened. And I can relate to that awfulness. The amazing thing is tough that she spoke with me. Me who has been insensitive to people and on a trail of self and hedonism. She spoke to me and was quite open to the extent of her own awareness at this point. But even more amazing is the fact that just recently I have heard myself self slipping into self doubt. And yet I spoke about things, very matter of factly in away for self protection, and also said things I've never actually said before, repeating words that were said at the time. Yuch! But also not re-traumatising, simply the way it was. I was steady in what I was saying and it all made it solid again. I spoke about the time in my therapy session when I first verbalised the need to stay absolutely still and not even breathe as even that movement felt unsafe. I can't remember what had been spoken about, that's almost immaterial. Because I expressed to SC that I wanted to stay absolutely still and quiet. I only felt safe if I did that, as if the slightest movement of sound was risky for me. He asked me when I've felt that before. I didn't think I had. Until at home I was pondering his question. I recall absolutely sitting at my desk looking out over the hill and suddenly I went into breathing spasms as I remember needed to lie absolutely still in bed with my dad. He would be cuddling me from behind and I would lie really, really still because he was rubbing himself against me. I knew something was wrong but at that time about 7 or 8 I didn't know what. Mum was downstairs making tea. I don't know if it happened once or more times but lying absolutely still was essential. And I used to do that in y own bed too. The crack in the open door was a problem for me but I couldn't get out of bed because if I moved or put my foot on the floor to close the door something terrible would happen. And also the door being closed meant that I couldn't hear my mum and she couldn't hear me. I'm holding my breath as I'm typing this. There are times when I think "well all kids have scary feelings in their bedroom". I hear kids talk about being scared of what's under the bed and it's probably something to do with the kids stories that are told and re-told. Bogeymen and the such like, which actually are frighteners that can be long lasting and devastating. Such weird ways we adults have of trying to keep order about the place.
I talked about the time my mum was in Australia and my dad touched my body. I was about 13 years old and just starting to develop breasts. He took advantage when I said that his tickles made a reaction in my bottom. I used to think I was disgusting because of this. That I was the filth. IN fact he was and should never ever have been doing what he was doing. I was told not to tell mum. He knew it was wrong.
Yes I spoke about and have now written too about these things for the first time, in the way that they happened. The memory as if watching from above. I was out of body watching my dad fiddling with me. I hate that word fiddling because my dad would use it. And then there's the tongue thing. I cannot really describe this thing he did with his tongue and his snorting. It was disgusting and then Graham Whelan did that too. I write his name in full so that if ever there is anyone trying to search for him because of him doing awful things to them there might be a tie up. I hope he cannot trace me through this though. That would be very terrifying.
And as I was speaking with this lady I knew that I feel fragile, that I will need to be gentle with myself. I explained the need to wrap up in my bigly hugly snuggle jumper and blanket. And writing has helped. So now I can go forth for a walk with LL knowing that I am OK but to be gentle.
What a gift this phone call. How amazing FA is. I thank B for supporting me in things that  wouldn't normally be doing, such as developing the relationship between myself and my dad. He's becoming simply my dad. That's the way he is. I don't like a lot about him. But he's still my dad and that's that forever.

I knew there was something I wanted to also write about in connection with FA. It was always my intention to find the courage to detach from my dad all together. But various tings kept me from doing this. These are not in any particular order of importance or salience. He is my dad and there is a lot of me that loves some of him. I want that family connection with him. I have been afraid that I've lied about the abuse even though I know that I haven't been lying. He's not all bad. I want to have access to an inheritance. I am afraid of making a mistake.
So all along it's been the wrong thing to do and thankfully my fear has stopped me from disconnecting entirely. However, my fury has actually increased the divide and for that I feel remorse. I didn;t know any other way though and thankfully with therapy to help me with that rage and resentment I've been able to then go along a diffrent path with the suggestions from B. Her suggestion to increase contact and make regular calls infuriated me. At first I wanted to scream and spit at her, saying are you not acknowledging what he did to me. I didn't say that exactly. The belief of the truth has been so tentative, there are times when I can only believe it if I seem to have convinced others of the horrors. It's not possible for me to realise that it was bad enough without others have to be the truth. That applies to many things. The situation at work, I didn't realise that it was a form of bullying and crazy-making behaviour. I thought I was in te wrong and it's only become OK to think it's wrong for me knowing that others feel the same way. It's similar with Graham Whelan. it was only when I told of the events and saw others reactions that I realised that it was bad behaviour on his part not and I wasn't the bad person. And the same with my dad. Sometimes I thought I had to embellish the events so that they were bad enough for people to react. But then I didn't believe them or me and it simply added to the disbelief within me about what I had experienced. So convoluted and complex.
Anyhow, this morning, being honest, not exaggerating and being more explicit, helped me. And the person saying that it's always surprising that FA seems to go in completely the opposite direction of what Iw ould have thought needed to happen, this made me realise that I've done the opposite of what I was intending to do and it's so much better for me. Incroyable!

And on another FA note - I am now having grains or potatoes with my lunch - 4 ounces. The first couple of days I felt like I had too much food. It was difficult to trudge through it. I didn't have the same problem yesterday I noticed. So my body is adjusting really quickly. I am scared that by having this extra food, I'll start increasing weight and size. However as has been developing, I am trusting the process. I felt that my tummy rounded out the first couple of days. Coupled with an difficulty to properly open my bowels, which apparently is the polite and professional way in which to talk about going for a poo. :), I felt bloated, full up and rounded. It was a worry. I mentioned it to B with the knowledge that I am sticking with it regardless. She said I can have potatoes instead of rice but I am scared of that too. Today I will have my first baked potato. Just 4 ounces so it won't be a whole potato. I'm looking forward to it and imagining the taste. I am concerned that this might be a "relationship" with a food type, so I'm going to linit the potatoes to once a week, just at the weekends when home. Then I can have them warm instead of cold - cold new Jersey pots are delicious but today I feel loike warm food. It is probably something to do with the everlasting dampness. Although yesterday afternoon brightened, no rain and some blue skies with fluffy white clouds. So my meals look like this now: Oh I reached my target weight - I discovered this on Tuesday when I had weighed myself early by accident. I'm now under 9 stone, around 8st 9lbs.

Breakfast
1 oz oats
8 oz natural fat free yoghurt
1 piece of fruit

Lunch
4 oz protein
6 oz 1 cooked vegetable
6 oz salad
4 oz rice/potato (want to know if I can eat quinoa)
1 tbsp dressing

Dinner
4 oz protein
6 oz 1 cooked vegetable
8 oz salad
2 tbsp dressing

I have established that it's a suggestion not to eat avocado or sweet potatoe. I can eat tinned tuna in brine but bloody hell it's so so expensive now. That used to be a cheap meal. Not now!
As for wating an Indian style meal B suggests not to. I think it might be different if I have a meal at home. But there is the difficulty of ensuring it's not cooked with any flour or sugar. I can understand that I'm looking to introduce more tastes and variety and it's a part of the simplicity has been the dumbing down of the tastes and I don't mean that in a negative sense. Simplifying the tastes t be natural tastes, not even salt although pepper is allowed. I might try adding some pepper as I haven't actually bothered. But then I rarely bothered with salt and pepper before this. I would cook with herbs and spices but not add for taste at the actually eating point.
It's interesting that I've been thinking of adding things into my menu's when actually it's about coninuing with the simplicity, well that's not all of it but contributes to keeping things stabilised.
Off to walk. Then back to studying. Haircut at 12 midday. Hopefully I've got a higher pay through the extra work I've been doing. I so need it. I spent about £100 just yesterday on some sprays and things to kill the clothes moths which continue to infest, some health supplements, birthday cards and and a blouse plus 2 charity shop articles - a skirt and a shirt. Yes it would be maybe even over £100. Flipping heck, my money does not go anywhere these days. Everything is so expensive. It won't come down in price and my salary won't be catching up ever if I'm with the P Group. It's unreasonable salary now. That's what they pay but I think I'm grossly underpaid. Not to mention their lack of staff welfare and deelopment. It's not a good company to work for in terms of self. It's a nice environment i.e. the grounds. But adding to the lack of company-level care is the horrid Team Leader situation, plus a lack of constructive management and ability. I wonder if PS will be any better equipped at hearing me without judging and damning and be able to manage the situation effectively. NL and LK are in cahoots and noone will be seeing that. He needed an ally so desperately, so has she and they were a prefectly matched jagged edge. It's amazing how jagged edges come together and seem to fit so perfectly until things shift and then the points start to clash and destroy each other. It's just staying out of the cross-fire of that although it seems that all the carnage is occurring right now as they are so tightly enmeshed. It would be different if the jagged edges are clashing.

 Knifes' Edge by Kasia Polkowska (Stained glass mosaic on wood) http://kiplandscapes.blogspot.co.uk/

As always I'd like to possess this piece of work because it's meaningful for me right at this moment. I often have that- a piece of work seems to get right inside me and I want it. I've seen so many art works that I want to steal and possess. So many that I've forgotten adn that's a part of it. When something has struck me so deeply and then to forget it is like losing a bit of me that I just found. It's so awful for that to come with such passion and then fade into forgetfulness. If I could just keep the art then I'll never forget you see.

In the meantime God if you've got any thoughts on this free flowing job that could be out there, I'd be interested to know what it is. Work that helps my heart to sing and my spirit to be free please. I trust it's possible and will become apparent. In the meantime I'll keep showing up knowing that actually my spirit is free and no person can take that from me however difficult they make things.
LL wants a walk - she keeps tipping over my laptop.
Gotta go.
Bliss
XX

ps I will edit this later with some of what I can remember from the AA story. Just so that there's more personality than fact.

C's story - when really I should be studying but I'm leaving in about 20 minutes to get my haircut. Yipppppeeeee!
I can't remember the order of her story. I know told about her past and drinking as a secondary it really. I felt angry with her husband as she talked about him. A womaniser but then he left her because of her drinking. It struck me how this man was so lacking in being enough for her. Yes her drinking was probably terrible and by the sounds of it she wasn't available to either him nor their son, as her son left the family home not long after her husband. But he worked with the airlines and womanised. His own behaviour was also not above board and he took the cowards way out. Not standing by her but following his own needs. I am in now way letting her off the hook. I'm sure her fury at her husband was a vitiolic when she had been drinking as she said it was. And then her craziness when his womanising was with a woman in their village. A place she had lived for 3 decades. She upped sticks and moved the family to a remote cottage. But when she described the lifestyle, animals and land. She gave up work and concentrated on looking after the animals b ut it was at this time she met a lady, who she befriended, and it sounded as if this lady showed C how to drink as an alcoholic. Then she became difficult to be with. She completely owned this. So her lack of self esteem and trust would have beceome quite another thing with alcohol fuelling it. No control. Yes I can imagine her expelling her anger and hurt. I think I sense that anger though as something deeper, as there is the tendency to be detached from feelings and people. Of course people bring emotional responses. I lvoed that she talked about feelings and not really knowing what they are all the time. She found a list of over 200 words to describe feelings. Actually this was the first part of her share, when she was saying that she feels a bit out of sorts. I got the impression she's been in recovery a similar time to myself. I wanted to share and forgot to share that there are times when I'm so in the depths of things that I cannot determine the different levels of emotions that are going on. And I'm the sort of person who wants to know exactly otherewise I feel out of control. And that's where I need to hand everything over to the care of God. This wasn't what my share ended up being about.
She talked also about being grouchy with a neighbour just that day or day the before, I'm not sure. And how in her reflection of herself she realised that this was a sign of her restelessness, irritability, discontent. When those feelings are identifiable there's a need to really turn to God and recovery tools - i.e. meetings, calling out, sharing, reading and so on. I cannot afford those feelings. But first of all I have become aware of them. Generally I then spend time agonising about all the things that it could possibly be, trying to get it all worked out. This can mean that it gets worse of course because I decide to do things that are motivated by the feelings. It's so crucial to share and be vulnerable. My thinking then is that people will start telling me what to do and fix me instead of simply hearing me. They may also tell me to do things I don't want to be told to do. There's such a fine line with this sort of support and yet there is this pride and ambivalence in me. I often find myself wondering what is this that has been triggered in me. So far I don't recall anyone sharing back on the topic that has his a chord with me. It's something quite big insie of me - someone says black I immediately want white. It's some kind of defense gainst being taken over. I wonder if this is codependency with my mum. My own desires being overruled all the time. I do feel as if something inside of me wasn't nurtured - creativity and a feeling of freedom. Overruled! I think this is a part of it. It doesn't seem to quite answer the enormity of my reaction. Something to give to consideration in quiet time - which I'm not really sitting in. I keep doing other stuff.
Hmm not much about C and her story. But some main things I can recall. I liked her despite my feeling of wanting to be acknoiwledged and accepted and suddenly befriended by her. She is aloof and that makes me want her more. So remins me of my friend - not in looks etc but in attitude and behaviour. I wonder if she knows of this dynamic from me?

Right off to have a haircut. I never realised that something I used to ahte could be something I am so looking forward to. Not the sitting etc and environment but the act of having my haircut. Lovely

Bx

The Man He Killed

The Man He Killed

Had he and I but met
By some old ancient inn,
We should have set us down to wet
Right many a nipperkin!

But ranged as infantry,
And staring face to face,
I shot at him as he at me,
And killed him in his place.

I shot him dead because--
Because he was my foe,
Just so: my foe of course he was;
That's clear enough; although

He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
Off-hand like--just as I--
Was out of work--had sold his traps--
No other reason why.

Yes; quaint and curious war is!
You shoot a fellow down
You'd treat, if met where any bar is,
Or help to half a crown.

Thomas Hardy

How utterly straight forward this is. I like it. The futility of the entire thing captured in a moments thought. I find wars strange. If these people sat next to each other and chatted about life and thigns they might not agree on everything but they could surely not kill each other for disagreeing on a way of living. But that's what they do. All in the name of fighting for their country. If every soldier just said "No!", then it would all be over and then some real humanity could take place.

It makes no sense at all other than greed and all in God's name most of the time. Crazy, crazy world.

I like Thomas' directness - it's almost humourous apart from it's seriousness

Bliss

XX

Step 10

What a lovely call I received this afternoon, from G (FA). He didn't recall having called me before but that's totally OK. He described how he was relaxing wth his legs up, with the football on, the phone list opne and something else as well that I can't remember. It sounded all very loving and peaceful. I was inspired by his apparent serenity and approach to his creativity. He's in his 7th week of The Artists Way.
I liked his thoughts on completing Step 10 every day. I'm not there within FA, still reading the keys or tools up to number 5 today (not Step 5 to differentiate). But he asks himself a series of questions
Have I been honest today? Any areas that I haven't been honest?
Have I been selfish today?
Have I developed any resentments today?
Do I need to say sorry to anyone today?
What fears have I had today? How has my behaviour been affected by these fears?

Then he said he has started asking of hiself how he feels about these questions. Taking it one step further than short sharp answers.
I always liked how L suggested I think fo 3 things that went well during my day and 3 things I'd like to do differently and how I would do that.

Well there is a dishonesty I have that I really can't share publicly - well it's about downloading - and so at the risk of being caught it's something that's contantly on my mind as dishonest and not acceptable. But I'm so unwilling to give this up.
Have I been selfish today? Well mainly I've been by myself. I tried calling my dad. I spoke with a couple of FA people. I've contacted M and went to collect my purse from AB.
Oh I recognised my intolerance of 2 others I spoke with earlier. I tried not to be selfish and listen instead and show interest or gratefully receive suggestions. I am hoping my sharpness wasn't detected as that would be the selfishness creeping through.
Any resentments? Yes well with the second person telling me what I needed to do wthout having really listened to what was important to me. My realisation. I think I've managed to let it go. However, I think it's there slightly each time I speak with her. There is an art in truly listening and hearing. So yes I think I have a resentment from today. I'm glad to realise it so that I can ask God to help me let it go.
I have a huge resentment with LK. And I am praying just as hugely for the resentment to be lifted from me. My part in all of this - well I think I'm holding on too tightly and thre's so much fear ot the changes and not being confident or competent. I also don;t know how to manage myself within the boundary-less situation now. It's confusing and I feel deskilled as well as uncertain. So then I feel the fear. It manifests through me as controlling. I pray to be able to go with the flow, maintain my boundaries and not need to kick against the rigidity. Please God help me to be friendly and flexible and loving.
I have fear about my finances and yes that has caused me to feel in need of escaping today. I am resnetful with myself for being lazy and avoiding my stidying. A whole day.
Do I need to make any amends today? I'm really not sure. Amends to myself perhaps. It's easier of course to not engage with too many people. I have been slow today and not cleaned my flat although at least have got through some of my clothes washing. I got petrol and did a food shop. I haven't done some important admin work. Yes there are a number of things that are left unattended to which is not necessarily self caring. At the same time I'm tired, which seems to be a permanent state right now. I've not felt this drained for many months. I do wonder if it's viral and hormonal. There has been the pulling feelilng in my tummy and breathlessness. Well now I come to think of it yes those things are there alongside the flaring or intolerance today. It's quite possible that there are some hormonal shifts occurring but less noticeably than before because I am not carrying all the weight as well. Hmmm interesting thought. So I need to be gentle with myself.

Observing myself - these four things I need to watch - dishonesty, selfishness, resentment and fear.
I am quick to feel resentful I think. Please God help me to remove this and be more gracious and gentle with myself and the world around me. More accepting of people, places and things. If it is your will.

Bliss
XX

Acceptability of the changeability

Live and let live
How appropriate when I sit in criticism of LK and want people to do things differently to suit me. I need to understand others are where they are rather than where I want them to be. My trouble is I'm not sure and get anxious about being able to remain me whilst living and let live. When is something someone else does not appropriate. I'm not in a charge to decide what is right or wrong but I would like to know when someone is doing something that directly impacts on my values and principles, then how do I assert my boundaries.

Easy does it
I'm a very edgy type, intense. I had had to learn to be super aware, super vigilant to survive so I see where it comes from and what unmanageability my typical characteristics can bring. My meeting today reminded me of the tool - easy does it. This helps me deal with my utter panic with life situations arise that tip into my edginess and intensity.
I am a person of extremes - all or nothing. This key or tool can help me lean towards balance more and more. Easy does it, one step at a time. Just do one little bit and then another, without trying to resolve everything right now!  Inch by inch, it's a cinch. Mile by mile it's a trial.
Wear life like a loose garment rather than a tight horse-hair shirt.
I need to learn how to stay unruffled emotionally. I am an addict and and this edgy type so can't afford to get ruffled and this tool can help me - I'd like to bring it into my daily life more often.
My mums motto was do it perfectly or not at all.

I wonder if I use these tools without realising it?

Interestingly, I had two phone calls with two people from fellowship. I could feel my intolerance mounting with both of them. The first person, it seemed easier to stop and apply live and let live and instead of being intolerant to their circumstances, I changed and asked questions appropriate to what they were telling me. I learnt a little more. And then the second person, well this was more to do with being told what I need to do. It's so irritating to me. As if I don't know!! I've noticed it with this person before. I can hear the therapist being practised on me and I get irritated. Fellowship is more about sharing experiences rather than telling as if from a position of authority and the other person doesn't know. I can hear my ego though. with this person in the past, I've acknowledged to them that they have had a good idea. And there is always something I can take away with me. But this time, she didn't hear me a tall. all I wanted to say was how pleased I was to have become self aware. I didn't need telling how to handle things. However, I did hear that probably the fact that I could not get through to the USA conference call number meaning that I reverted to using my mobile phone has caused me some anxiety. I was really pissed off when she said that what's a £100 for a call. It's a flipping lot of money to me. Every single penny spent is a lot of money to me and I'm hemorrhaging money at the moment. Whilst it was so ridiculously cheap for me to go to Spain as my friends bought my tickets and supplied me with the food I needed, I still spent on presents. Money I cannot afford to be spending. But I was relieved for the break away. I feel so fraught around money at the moment. And the next moment I trust that it will all be OK at some point. I am hoping the extra hours I've done will help sort out my account next month and even the month after that too. If I can find more local work that will help reduce my outgoings. That's the worryingly increasing cost - fuel! £144 per litre now. That's just crazy money. It wasn't any cheaper in Spain either.
So yes back to this call. The other helpful thing was the phone cared. Apparently it is possible to buy a phonecard and then calls are already paid for. Is this like a pay-as-you-go scenario? I will check with the post office or supermarket. At least if I can get a card for next Sunday then I can worry less about my landline not supporting my call. I can then reduce my package with BT again and resort to not using the silly landline. The phone runs out of battery almost instantly now anyway. I need a new phone unit really but as I barely use the landline it seems silly to waste yet more money on that. A phonecard seems to be more reasonable. I will have time hopefully to sort this out on Friday.
So yes this irritation I have - it reminds me always of B. How she goes into instruction mode without any thought that I might already know things. There are some people who do this. What I was actually saying was that I'd seen a man with a couple of tins of crisps. Immediately I wanted them. Thankfully talking with others with some experience it came to me to ask what it was I wanted to get from them. I played the pictures through my mind as it was immediately apparent. I saw myself chomping away mindlessly on them, one after another. I could all but actually taste them, the memory of the taste even with me now as I am writing about the scenario in my thoughts. So lying on the settee, watching interesting or mindless films or one after another of a series. Chomping, chomping, chomping. Actually he had only 1 tin, but I would have had a bag full of binge type foods or "open and eat" things as I would call them. And the effect I was after was to mong-out or get away from everything. Get away from the studying I need to do and still haven't done. Well it's actually a report I need to write. What if I don't hand it in? Then I could get on with the next load of reading. However I will have that sense of failure to manage as well.
So yes it was a nee to escape responsibilities. Then E started going on about needing to take quiet time etc. All good stuff for her circumstances but not actually hearing my own. I felt like it was her need to feel useful rather than actually hearing me. Yes that's it. And it's irritating. What was more useful, and I tried to stay listening was when she shared her own experience. The need to sit down and do a short burst of studying, making it bite-size and chunked into smaller more do-able sessions.
How to live and let live you see when someone is crossing my boundary. I felt so irritated that it was not possible for me to say anything without being snappy. So somehow it would be useful at some point to be able to express my needs. For instance, I just need to share and if you wouldn't mind just listening and if you've any experiences of something similar it would be useful to hear your process. Something like that. It would be rude surely to say I felt irritated when you started telling me what I need to do. It sounds arrogant as well, as if she has not got good suggestions. Her good suggestions were to investigate a phone card and that my financial worry might be something I'm attempting to escape from. Not to mention that I'm very tired which seems to be quite the norm recently.
So God please help me to live and let live. This is the way E is. How do I tolerate it when it gets on my nerves. Is it more so today because I'm tired and stressed because of money? Is it hormonal? Is it stress of not having got with anything yet again? Possibly it is the culmination of these things that have lowered my tolerance. Which is what E was suggesting without realising how I was including her in my stress.
Live and let live and let go. Phew - thank goodness for writing and allowing myself to look at me.
Bliss
x

ps I now recall B suggesting a phonecard but I ignored the suggestion thinking I knew what that meant and not knowing at all. I'm so arrogant and stubborn at times.

The River's Tale Rudyard Kipling

Twenty bridges from Tower to Kew—
(Twenty bridges or twenty-two)—
Wanted to know what the River knew,
For they were young, and the Thames was old
And this is the tale that River told:—

"I walk my beat before London Town,
Five hours up and seven down.
Up I go till I end my run
At Tide-end-town, which is Teddington.
Down I come with the mud in my hands
And plaster it over the Maplin Sands.
But I'd have you know that these waters of mine
Were once a branch of the River Rhine,
When hundreds of miles to the East I went
And England was joined to the Continent.

"I remember the bat-winged lizard-birds,
The Age of Ice and the mammoth herds,
And the giant tigers that stalked them down
Through Regent's Park into Camden Town.
And I remember like yesterday
The earliest Cockney who came my way,
When he pushed through the forest that lined the Strand,
With paint on his face and a club in his hand.
He was death to feather and fin and fur.
He trapped my beavers at Westminster.
He netted my salmon, he hunted my deer,
He killed my heron off Lambeth Pier.
He fought his neighbour with axes and swords,
Flint or bronze, at my upper fords,
While down at Greenwich, for slaves and tin,
The tall Phoenician ships stole in,
And North Sea war-boats, painted and gay,
Flashed like dragon-flies, Erith way;
And Norseman and Negro and Gaul and Greek
Drank with the Britons in Barking Creek,
And life was gay, and the world was new,
And I was a mile across at Kew!
But the Roman came with a heavy hand,
And bridged and roaded and ruled the land,
And the Roman left and the Danes blew in—
And that's where your history-books begin!"

Fine lines

I've been pondering the fine line between rigidity and chaos or a lack of boundaries. These thoughts relate to my latest difficulty, i.e. the situation at work. As SH, my colleague, pointed out from the start, LK has no boundaries. She has no boundaries around anything it seems. Offering to lend us and then giving us £20 each for Easter seems to be without boundaries. Even so there is the act of kindness in the offer itself. or is it? Or is there another motive? Am I being suspicious and ungracious in taking the offer on face value. Is that another fine line? Then there are the ever changing decisions. She will make a decision about a clients destiny with us and then afterwards discuss it often changing her mind without there being any clear boundaries or reasoning. Then there is the dashing about in reaction. Yes she's very reactionary. And conversations with us about her personal life, without first making any assessment of the situation. For example, I might be beavering away at something , work orientated I mean, and LK would rather chat about something. Then when I'm leaving at the normal time, well this happened on Friday at least, she seemed huffy. I just went anyway, thinking to myself that if she had just got on with her work during the day instead of being so easily distracted all over the place, then she would be leaving on time too. PD never worked late and all the work was done. A lack of discipline, which is boundaries isn't it?
It's a funny thing this concept for boundaries. I used to balk at rules and regulations, often rebelling and yet with some rules , sticking absolutely rigidly to them. Boundaries create safety. There is certainty. I can't quite put my finger on something as an example. But I can absolutely see the importance of parents for example agreeing on the boundaries for the family. The children then know the boundaries and so long as there is consistency they will learn security and certainty. Of course children will push to test the boundaries, seeing how safe they actually are. Whether in Freudian ID and Ego, they can push the boundaries for what seems like self gain. The funny thing is that by pushing the boundaries, by manipulation or sheer dogmatism or even violence or some other way of pushing through, the child then starts to learn uncertainty which brings fear. If they can be that powerful then they are also in charge. To being with this can seem appealing. Bearing in mind that this is mainly at an unconscious level. So the child takes the power but them also becomes the one in charge. That can be fine and fun when it is a first bursting through, but a child doesn't have resources and experience to deal with every situation. That's when parents need to be there to help deal with life issues and help the child negotiate through difficulties. But if the child is "out there", there will have no certainty that the parents will contain them and have to start dealing with issues but with childlike points of view. It becomes all too frightening. The child might return to the nest as so to speak but without the faith that the parent can truly protect them, which might simply be guidance. The parent has already shown that they are not capable of keeping things contained.
I repeat that all of this dynamics are unconscious and this is just one play out as an example.
A child needs to learn that it isn't the Superego. The child needs to have room enough to experiment within the confines of certainty. This of course is not control though.
Now there is the fine line I suppose. When does this certainty need to be flexible. It doesn't need to be flexible for the sake of appearances with other people. I am specifically thinking of for example setting table manners. The parent may have strict rules for behaviour at the table at home and to maintain these has to constantly be reinforcing the rules. I was thinking for example of my friend removing her daughters plate if she got down from the table. The little girl was constantly distracted from her meal and so not eating properly. Now to begin with the parents kept allowing her to get down, play and then return to the table. There is good reason I am thinking for this not being OK. However when we went out to a restaurant because the constant telling off didn't feel comfortable in public, the boundary altered. I didn't actually think this was a good version of flexibility because it was motivated by worry about what strangers might think. So what would be good flexibility. I think an example might be the little girl requesting to go to the toilet on a first occasion. Allowing that with discussion. And then ensuring for future meals that a parent takes her to the toilet before each meal so that any request to go to the toilet is only a way of pushing the boundaries but also creating the disciplines for onward life.
These are mild examples I think but examples nonetheless of developing structure and disciplines without being controlling.
Why are humans in need of boundaries though? Otherwise I suppose it's anarchy. And I see what that brings in my work place right now. None of us really know whether we a re coming or going. o boundaries are important in the community. We all know then we are working together and the part each of our individuality's can come together without having to be just one person. I wonder what the lack of boundaries does to raise fear. It creates uncertainty and with uncertainty comes fear.
This is a psychologically interesting question. Uncertainty evokes fear and fear means there's no faith. So is faith to do with certainty. People say I know it will be OK as if reassuring oneself. The funny thing is that despite everything over the years things have turned out OK. There have been grave difficulties along the way which I suppose contribute to my fear. For example this situation at work creates uncertainty and fear in me to the point where I agonise and agonise. That agonising and analysis turns into wanting to run, wanting to run feels me with a sense of the lack of self ability and control. Which can become depression and depression can become suicidal for me. Not to mention the horrible feelings and thoughts that come with depression. It's bleak and painful being in depression. So I am scared of this too when I'm thrown into this situation with LK and no boundaries.
As B said, change throws people into trauma. When introducing newness into a company structure, a large unnamed company actually bring a counsellor into the fold to help with the management of change. Sadly we don't have a manager that is capable of managing the change that is occurring. So here we are, little people, whose rights have been removed by a scared person who has to control, we have no adult voice. There is no room for open discussion and opinions to be shared and negotiated. It has to be this way or no way. It feels miserable and throttling to be like this. But any discussion that is attempted is taken to be threatening and personal. Wow! What lessons I can learn. This is the outward looking picture.
But what about me and how I am with this lack of boundaries but instead rigidity of rules. Now there's the thing. Injustice? It was similar with my dad. He had no boundaries yet imposed rigid rules. I would rebel secretly against the rules. And that's what I'm doing now. I have no respect you see. So I'm doing what's told to me to keep myself as safe as possible but inside I have utter contempt. How can I learn to be flexible with the situation. I recognise the lack of boundaries and the replacement with control. I guess the start of going with the flow is seeing this. Now God please help me to be OK with this internally.
It helps not to be getting into the nasty gossip. I'm not fuelling the negativity within me. That will make more and more space to see the bigger picture. I want to practise listening and asking people what they are going to do about it. For example saying "will you raise this with someone?" or "would you like to do something about it?"
As my sponsor repeated from something said to her - be the change I want to see. This brought to mind the St Francis of Assisi prayer:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

So God please help me to bring this into my daily workings. I think with this you can show me how to be flexible around someone else rather than critical of them getting it wrong. It doesn't mean I have to drop my boundaries. In fact just the opposite, I need to ensure my boundaries are in tact. I have values and they will be bound to disagree with others' boundaries. But I can be gently assertive without causing friction when my boundaries meet someone else's rules. I see how boundaries contribute to a stronger sense of self whereas rules and rigidity can be a manifestation of fear. I wonder what LK is so afraid of. I relate to it. In my fear I can become so controlling. And it's not nice to be on the receiving end of at all. It's not nice being in it either. But having boundaries which are the manifestation of values and principles and self esteem, they actually contribute to a growing sense of worth. I am worthwhile enough to ensure I leave on time. So long a I've got all my work completed then I have that right. If I an't get my work completed because of someone else, the I will ensure I take the time back. If it's because I've been messing around then I am not owed anything and in fact I have owed. Following these principles will surely stand me in good stead to feel OK and decent about myself. Then I can let go of the irritation I feel when LK doesn't work to similar ethics. That's her business not mine. I trust that if it is actually a real issue then it will come to the surface for all to see. If it's not a big deal then it can continue without a problem for others. And I mean this about everything. If on a bigger scale there is something unhealthy and wrong about it all, it will start to show through the big picture and then thins will change. Whether it changes in the way I want it to is another question all together. What I'd like is for me to be right and everyone see it the way I do and then change it the way I think it should be changed.
But for example rather than change things back, it might be that we just don't get enough clients in the way we've had them and so ATP is disbanded. It's a possibility. Or the whole format of the progamme will alter to accommodate a different style of keeping clients. Those relationships we've developed with consultants will merely fade and they will find another outlet to work with even if it's not us. I actually don't like being a part of that disintegrating reputation. I'd like to talk with Dr F actually but it's none of my business. What I'm trying or hoping I could do is protect my reputation. God if there is meant to be a way of talking with her or any of the other consultants then I'm certain you will present that opportunity. I feel that Dr B is of a similar ilk, very low in self worth and so he's going along with a different style. Well it will change of that I'm certain. There is nothing I can do to fight such a force. So rather than fight please God show me ow to let go of my need to control and instead go with the flow. At the same time help me to trust that I will be OK.

So my thoughts about fine lines with boundaries and rigid rules - have I really come to any conclusions. Yes I thnk there are some ideas formed and thankfully no absolute certain answer which means there's room for flexibility and space to add more knowledge.
By George, I think I get it.

Bliss
XX

Letter to Buddy

My time in Spain was really a great tonic. The weather was windy and overcast for the first several days. Only really the last two days was truly hot. I was able to sit in the heat in t-shirt and shorts. Otherwise it was chilly and I was in jumper and jeans most of the time. My friends there are like a big family. I feel very embraced. They have a large finca, and so I was picking my breakfast fruit off the trees and collecting organically grown vegetables for my meals. Lovely tastes. And of course fish from the market freshly caught too. Glorious repasts. It was tempting to break my food abstinence with every meal served as if feasting. And lots of treats lying about for the children.
This family I have known now for 14 years. My friend and her partner and children moved over to the family finca just last year. She wanted to be with her mum and dad who have lived there approaching 10 years. I've always felt so included and feel very grateful to know them.

I spent a lot of time agonising over the situation at work. I got myself into quit a dark hole with my thoughts. I very quickly fall into my default of being a bad problem despite contrary evidence such as this family loving me so much and having friends and work colleagues who say they enjoy working with me and find me very professional etc.
I feel very unhappy at work but learning how that infiltrates every area of my life. I am seeing how I put too much emphasis on work and it can create imbalance. So I am hoping to see how to wear work loosely.
It is upsetting to see so many radical changes that do not seem to be for the best but I need not to take that so much to heart. I hope to be able to go with the flow, be flexible whilst remaining dependable and reliable.
It was difficult returning to work but for these 2 days I was there I went with the flow and was jolly in my disposition. I can take my frustrations and incredulity outside of work to good friends who just listen without being deeply embroiled in the situation.
I know it will pass and I will ave gained a lot from the experience.

I'm so very glad that you feel so safe and peaceful with the psychotherapist. A gentle approach seems important to you.
He seems to have gained your trust already.
And I hope that your time with P is fun and relaxing too.
Having made a choice to abstain from any relationships over the next year I feel relieved. I seem to get muddled in my choices and need some time out to reflect upon this. I would love to meet someone who is truly loving and someone I can truly love. As the song says - the greatest thing in life we learn is to love and be loved in return.
I think I need this time out though to spend some time developing self love. I am very hard on myself. Negative and self-hating. This has to alter more than it has already. over the years I have changed and much more self loving than I was. But it creeps in so very easily and this has created dreadful tensions in both my choices of parnters in the past and then within the relationship once established.
It's a long but very interesting journey of personal growth .....
More to come and every day is an adventure.

A re-entering without running

Back to work. Something I've been dreading since leaving work on 10th April to start my holiday. What a lot of energy and mind games as a result of this fear.
I was worried that everyone would have actually been getting on really well which would provide more evidence that I'm THE problem. As it happens, I discovered around the hospital a lot of unrest in connection with LK. Consultant psychiatrists, nurses, ATP colleagues. It seems that the chaos ensues and is spreading outside of the office now. I was gracious. I listened and didn't add fuel to the roaring fire. I could easily have added my tuppence ha'pennies worth. But I withheld.
Only once did I mention something from the procedures from the past. I deferred decisions to her and asked who was required to do what today. She announced this morning that as a result of last weeks supervisions she was going to do the process group every morning with someone. I didn't enquire further but simply agreed. I couldn't see myself how that linked with things that were discussed last week. But I decided not to enter into any issues that would be misconstrued as criticism,
AW kept huffing and puffing all day, relating to the demanding volumes of work. She has only just started working as far as I can see.

Anyway, the day is over. The little gifts I purchased from Spain seemed to go down well. Each of them choosing their little purse with one left for SH. I was going t manipulate their choices somehow but didn't. I feel good about that,

Right now I feel exhausted and need to pop off to bed.
Just a quickie - I lost another 1 lb and 1 or 2 oz. I was disappointed until my sponsor this was just for the week whereas before I've been weighing once a month and more recently every two weeks.

I'm falling asleep - I have to go.

Night night
Pamela
XX

Greens

I'm home from Spain. I'm missing them already. Such a lovely family and being amongst them all was just like receiving a big loving hug. The first few days were truly quite agonising in my head. Nothing at all to do with my friends and the environment, all in my torturing head. Agonising over the situation at work and how "bad" I have been thinking I am. It's the default position. And once the thinking goes over and over this it's very difficult for me to pull out of it. Hence I was in need of calling out and becoming less self-centred. Thank goodness for my sponsor, B. She listened and kept repeating that I needed to bring God into my thoughts and ask God for help with this. Eventually I felt myself loosen up and also challenge the evidence I was bringing into the matter.
It all but consumed me. I couldn't focus on my studies, I couldn't be entirely present with my friends and I couldn't relax. I have been going over and over the deep dark hole that I feel I am in.
What is this hole? Well, with the new boss actually stating how she finds me very difficult I took on exactly what she said. Despite the fact that colleagues disputed her findings I took it all on whole heartedly. I forgot to also take stock of the facts that everyone else in the team is unhappy with the way she is managing (rather than team leading). I think it really threw me when she made it clear that she is OK with SH but it's me that's difficult for her. The thing is she is difficult for me too. I find her approach very disarming. All the things she said about me are things I sense in her. She said I was so changeable and she never knew what sort of mood I was going to be in. Maybe she is sensing me trying to keep my mouth shut and just get on with things but every so often I burst out of myself and do get involved in the affray. probably she doesn't like it when I don't and that's the unpredictable part - well maybe who knows? The thing is that she is uneven - she changes the limits depending on so many variables. I no longer know what the boundaries are. Perhaps she is projecting herself onto me? I have no idea. In my heart of hearts I know that the strangeness is not me. I seem to have taken that from what was said by someone else as well. In other words they indirectly suggested that I need to trust myself. They would not directly comment. Maybe I am just being hopeful to admonish myself. Who flipping well knows?
I am terrified of going into work tomorrow and discover that they are all getting on really well and then it really would be me that's the problem. I'm fed up that it is taking so much of my time.
If LK is wanting me to leave she's going about it well. Apparently it could be considered constructive dismissal. I thought that meant that people arranged for another to be dismissed. I didn't realise it could be creating a situation which means a person can no longer work there. The situation feels untenable but that's when the hole appears deeper and darker. I don't know what to do to get out. I don;t feel confident in myself to find another job. I would like a part time job that would cover my costs and give me some spending money. Ha ha. That sounds immediately impossible. But hey ho I can at least look. I would like it to be local too. I would love to reduce my travelling time and create more personal time for me as well as the critical reduction of travelling costs. I'd like to have the courage and the accreditation to set up a private practice. Please God show me what I need to do. This feels the most "right" thing, just the scariest.

I had a wonderful trip aside from my troubled head. I feel so very grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life. RF and her family, AB and her family, ML, AM, ET amongst the first few that come to mind. TH, KH, PD to name a few more. All these people seem t be there for me and have been nothing but lovely to me.
I managed to get some time sunning myself. It was lovely to feel the heat of the sun even though it was mainly through jumpers. I spent a lot of the time feeling cold and very tired. I worried slightly about this. I've never felt so tired for so many days. I slept a lot and am grateful that I could. I rode R's horse and loved it. I felt nervous I have to say but was gaining confidence on the second day. I wish I had gone earlier with R but I was attempting to stay focused on studying although it never did happen. I feel resentful that my troubles with work have encroached upon all things that I hold important outside of work. It's difficult to wear things loosely. Please God show me how to wear things loosely. I get the concept at an intellectual level but because I'm so engrossed and invested in this situation I can't seem to feel what that means right now. See I'm straight back into it.
The little girls were adorable although wary all the time. It was interesting and nice engaging with AW. I relate a lot with a number f things he talked about for example using the right cutlery to eat with. It can make all the difference to the enjoyment of a meal if the fork is just right, the knife too. But the fork for me seems the most important. It's about weight, and feel. I like it when there is an absolute balance if I rest the cutlery on my finger. Sounds silly? And it needs to be just the right weight. Also the end of the fork handle and knife come to that need to be smooth and rounded somehow. Difficult to explain. And the forks themselves need to be not too big but not to small. Occasionally I come across the perfect fork. I would like some decent cutlery actually. I wish I hadn't given CS the silver service but it was in payment of storing my possessions whilst I was in Spain early 2007. I stayed with the  F's then for weeks. It was lovely then too. It was just awkward really, the situation with JB.
So back to my week away, restful in the sense of at least I was away from the actual trouble even though never away from it it my head. Wondering what I can do to change this, how I can be different without being defencive and this manifests in an aggressive way at times. What does the future hold - more of this poverty and unhappiness which raises the question then of "what's the point?" Several times I ran this question around and it was risky for my recovery. Because if there just unhappiness which seems to be a long projection of, then why bother staying in recovery or do anything. The easiest option then becomes to delve into depression, get signed off sick and laze on the settee day after day, eating, eating, eating! What a pitiful existence that becomes but there are moments when it seems a really good way out. Depression sets in and then I just drop out. Yet it's miserable in that as well.
Dealing with life on life's terms is very challenging at times. I'm not sure what I am going to learn from this experience. Right now it feels like and endless stream of unhappiness which is affecting every area of me. In the greater scheme of things it's not so bad. I think the conditions of living in this country contribute you know. It seems like a long haul of unfairness and disillusion, mirrored at work.
So off to bed. Really tired yet again. And then up and ready for work tomorrow. I have 2 1:1's after work so straight back into things. I hope the extra work will have given me some slack with my salary at the end of the month. I need to service my car and I suspect buy new tyres too. Not to mention the OD that keeps occurring. I must fill in the paperwork to apply for the bank charges to be returned. It's worth the effort. It's just finding the time. Tomorrow will be a very late evening. S will Friday. Saturday I'm at Uni. Sunday I need to write the flipping report and then I'm back to work for Monday. Aaaaargh! It's endless - the black hole again.
I'm going to take the whole of Wednesday off - I was due to have the afternoon off for training but I'm going to take the morning off with lieu time and go to the housing office, as well as employment agencies and then maybe some paperwork stuff too.
Tomorrow am I will do some printing in prep for Saturday as well as a little more prep for the report writing. Let's see how it all goes.
Oh and I want to get more writing done for my accreditation document.

Off to bed. Everything feels so exhausting all the time. Oh and it's weigh in day tomorrow morning. I'm anxious about that. Have I got to target? I was feeling bloated and fat even though slim. And perhaps I messed up even though I was eating as per normal. Then again if I'm at the target weight I'll be eating other food types and that's worrying. If I'm not losing size I'll feel ordinary. This is a whole other Blog to write. I will try and get the thinking out but not tonight.
Nighty night
Bliss
XX

Oh - as I flew over the white cliffs of Dover and then saw all the colourful countryside, I really appreciated Blighty suddenly. I loved being in Spain but it was just seeing the greens and different fields and varieties of trees and so on that suddenly the blue skies, sea and mountains were behind me but also stark somehow compared to what I was flying over at home.
The scent of the orange blossom and sea view were gorgeous. The warmth of the sun and being able to swim in a heated pool were wonderful. But so was the flyover southern England. Interesting. I want it all.