We are more than our feelings

http://www.dhammatalks.org.uk/index.php?id=40&file_id=907

Not getting addicted or defined by our emotions
Being mindful of our emotions - means to me being aware of past beliefs, attitudes, perceptions, memories that seem to inform out emotions.
So by being mindful it is possible to reassess the emotional response and judge whether it is appropriate.
And then be within the situation I am in with awareness and trust and being mindful means I can be fully present - in pain or pleasure. Pleasure doesn;t become the end goal it is one experience. Pleasure can be addictive and become the goal. But knowing that Pleasure passes just the same as pain does is mindfulness. Knowing.
Trust that any person, place, situation will reveal itself in all good time.

Bliss
XX

Shaking off the limitations

With an image of liberation as the goal
the wise abandon darkness and cherish light,
leave petty security behind
and seek freedom from attachment.
To pursue such release is difficult and rare,
yet the wise will seek it,
detaching themselves from obstructions,
purifying heart and mind
Dhammapada v.87-88

Ajahn Munindo reflects on this ...
"The Buddha offers images that illustrate the goal, uplifting and supporting us in our effort to let go of that which obstructs and limits us. If we hold too tightly to the images, we may lose perspective on the here and now element of the journey; instead of actually doing the practice, we are imagining it. If we fail to give right emphasis to the goal, we may become lost in the distraction of sense objects - agreeable and disagreeable. The pursuit of true freedom is difficult but consider how much suffering comes if we don't practice. With wise reflection we find we can endure the dark and difficult times. When the light returns, we cherish it and discover how to love truth more fully."

My own reflection in the here and now ...
Firstly I notice that I keep hearing the message about letting go, particularly of limits. I then feel my fear. I have wants. And I can see the value of remembering to let go when I realise I am thinking of my wants. The wants bring longing and as a result I forget to see what is all around me right now or at least do not appreciate all that I have. I can relate that to the want to be thin. As long as I remember body dysmorphia has been closely related to being anorexic, bulimic and over eating. And when I look back now I realise how much I was intently focused on trying to control food, worrying about size and not enjoying the experiences as they were happening all around me. I continue to have issues around food. I use food as an escape from stress for example and of course this triggers the body image issues too. So  am not saying I am cured. What I am practicing once again today though, is 3 meals per day, not worrying about the content of those 3 meals so long as I have protein, carbs and vegetables/fruit. And my how my studies this year - Biological Psychology - have helped me to know the fine tuned detail of the minute but incredible miracles that occur within each and every one of us. But to be sustained every cell needs appropriate nourishment and that comes from me eating wisely. I hope to maintain this train of thought and practice of eating.
Anyway that's an example of wants turning into obsession and taking me out of the her and now experiences.
One of the things I keep thinking about though when I read about letting go is the need at the level I am at of being able to identify and process the feelings that go with letting go. For example with the apparent loss of JH I have felt so many things. Hurt, sadness, anger, fear, relief at times too although that was rare. My fear is that the lesson is forgetting that along the journey individuals will not realise that there are feelings and suppress them rather than work through them to their natural close. I realise that there is the tendency for holding onto the dark feelings and that can result in never letting go of the feelings. I absolutely agree with the goal. It's just for me the verse doesn't explain about emotions. I think people have tried to follow this exactly without reflecting on all that is going on.
As I reflect on what I am saying there is an element on control and not letting go of others process. It comes from a place of caring. However, it is me trying to ensure that everyone is aware. The reality is that I had always suppressed feelings. I did not now I was allowed to feel my emotions and express them and believed somehow from what I was seeing and hearing that I needed always to just get on and be happy. I am not sure if this is how I was actually told and shown but it is how I interpreted things. And so rather than acknowledge the pain and difficulty I would pretend everything was OK. So right into adulthood until recovery I have had to squish and squash everything away. And that is difficult to do without having crutches to help, hence the want for a man to love me, drink, drugs, hedonism, work and status etc etc and manipulating food. As those things are peeled away I am left with the emotions. Now I am learning to acknowledge the emotions, work through them and that takes a while when they are so deeply and densely packed. But there is a loosening and with the ending of some feelings comes the letting go. I have had more clarity about loosening the anger that inevitably comes from an abusive childhood. The vulnerable, raging me is becoming a little more aware and I can at times observe and measure my behaviour. I certainly don't like observing the behaviour of my fury but I understand the fury and can be gentle and loving rather than adding to the fury by giving myself a ticking off for being furious. But I can take a view on my behaviour. I do not judge myself then, but I do judge my behaviour - gently and with a desire to change with practice.
Perhaps there are some people who get this without having to go through the process. There are people who say they just let go and move on. Some people I can really see that in them. other people I see destructive behaviours and believe that there are things they are not allowing themselves to visit. They will if it ever gets so bad they are in pain.
I though am relieved to be getting some clarity for myself and believe I am on a path that is healthy for me. If I can enjoy today and learn and grow then it is possible I will be able to acknowledge any fears and temptation and remember the path is stronger if I stick to it. I can also gain strength by asking for support. I need help at times when temptation is pulling me. And temptation comes in many forms. It often starts with boredom. Wanting.
The thing is to acknowledge that feeling and talk with people then ......

More to reflect upon but now I must start my studies.

Bliss
XX

Wise reflection

 Ajahn Munindo

OK - just having breakfast and a cuppa Green ... also reading the little book of light reflections I picked up last evening.
The thing I like about Buddhism (when people are not turning it into a law) is that it is reflective of all life as it is
and not trying to change it into a Guru's direction or that there is one way. i.e. there is less judgement of people, beliefs, attitudes etc and more about encouraging people to consider themselves and also within their community changing plus consider what is unhealthy for each individual individually
And I read this this morning .....

"It has been my intention that by.sharing my personal reflections in this way, others might feel encouraged to engage in their own contemplative ability. There is a tendency perhaps fr Buddhist practitioners in the West to try to find peace and understanding by stopping thinking. Yet the Buddha tells us that it is by yaniso manasikara, or wise thinking, that we come to see the true nature of our minds, not through just stopping thinking."

This is a relief to read as so many people have said I must learn to empty my mind. But for me it is letting the thoughts become conscious and observing the thinking, understanding what drives that way of thinking. I do look for the gaps between thoughts too but even that is a thought most of the time. At least I no longer give myself a hard time for sitting in meditation thinking.
I was thinking last night about so many things, even thinking about the fact that I fell asleep a few times despite having had a good sleep the night before so realising how exhausting writing and essay is - putting together thoughts and supporting them with evidence. And I was thinking about the monk and his choice in life. Wondering about his journey and watching his meditation - I wondered how he managed with temptation and human wants like sex etc. It is a hard line to choose I think.
I was also observing that sort of electric feel that goes through me at a certain point each time I sit there for the hour. It's surprising how fast the silence goes by. Yet there is like a surge of energy that seems to start somewhere in my tummy. It's difficult to describe. It seems to emanate from maybe the solar plexus and ripples out. It feels shimmery and charged yet there is a delicacy about it too. It's not sharp or harsh. I was wondering what it is and why it happens. It seems nearer the end of the hour than the beginning.
I was wondering too about the Buddha and his story. Enlightenment. How the path narrows the more I learn about myself and the devil part of me doesn't like that. The hedonistic energy which at this time scares me. But how I am seeing this pattern yet again and observing the results and links. I was wondering if I will be able to retain not just the overall lesson but also some of the detail because the bigger message is easily shot down once temptation starts nagging at me.
Practice practice practice - that's also what I was thinking. And how I don't like being attached to organisations. That's was an interesting observation - the drive of individuality and how belonging can feel like imprisonment or making me into a group instead of being me. I smile at myself because when my self esteem is reasonable I know I am an individual whatever I am doing but I know how my dependence means I am easily lost so blame the groups instead of looking at me. At least I am more discerning now.
So these are all sorts of things I was wondering about and mulling over. It was good to clear my mind of the essays at least.