He died late last night. He was decalred dead at 10 minutes past mindnight. I received a call from T telling me so. She sounded dreadfula dn said she was so sorry. I do find it diifuclt tolerating her rather dramatic sounding sorrow.
I saw his body in eht chapel of rest today. It was odd. At first I was nevreous to setep into this little room. He doesn't have a coffin yet as apparently he wanted a wicker coffin and that has to be ordered in. I find that strange and just ow little I knew him if that's the case.
I was afraid he would jump up and tell me off. The weirdest thing came over me - to take a photo. And I did. That is just a peculiar thing to do. Now if he was alive he would be absolutely horrified because he was terrified odf death. Terrified of being disrespectful.
I somehow can't believe he's dead. And that will hep remind me. I am not sure if I'll keep it or not.
He can no onger actually be cross with me and say horrid tings to me. He cannot spread aspersions about me anymore.
All I have to do now is get the messages from my belief system. The core beliefs and thoughts will not be reinforced by him anymore. Only I can actually do that so that means I can unpick the issues too.
Very soon I will no longer have to have anything to do with T either. I will perhaps keep in contact with D her eldest daughter and see what happens there.
I am so very grateful to G for being there the entire weekend. I just felt so much relief not to be entirely alone.
Yesterday was particularly difficult. There were times when I was raging and screaming inside. I wanted to scream "what about me" when she determinedly didn't introduce me to the vicar. She introduced everyone else and looked a time. Her daughter introduced me. She is not a nice lady, cruel and unkind.
I wondered as I looked at my dad dying body what it's all been about.
It was painful to as JH sat talking about what an amazing soldier he was. Some of it I had never believed. Perhaps it was true. And then when people talk about what a lovely man he's been. What about all the horrible parts my mum and I endured. I know my mum adored him. But he's created a different persona I think in his new life. And that excluded me entirely.
I am hurt and sad. Time to heal perhaps. The Universe is really my parent.
Bliss
XX
I saw his body in eht chapel of rest today. It was odd. At first I was nevreous to setep into this little room. He doesn't have a coffin yet as apparently he wanted a wicker coffin and that has to be ordered in. I find that strange and just ow little I knew him if that's the case.
I was afraid he would jump up and tell me off. The weirdest thing came over me - to take a photo. And I did. That is just a peculiar thing to do. Now if he was alive he would be absolutely horrified because he was terrified odf death. Terrified of being disrespectful.
I somehow can't believe he's dead. And that will hep remind me. I am not sure if I'll keep it or not.
He can no onger actually be cross with me and say horrid tings to me. He cannot spread aspersions about me anymore.
All I have to do now is get the messages from my belief system. The core beliefs and thoughts will not be reinforced by him anymore. Only I can actually do that so that means I can unpick the issues too.
Very soon I will no longer have to have anything to do with T either. I will perhaps keep in contact with D her eldest daughter and see what happens there.
I am so very grateful to G for being there the entire weekend. I just felt so much relief not to be entirely alone.
Yesterday was particularly difficult. There were times when I was raging and screaming inside. I wanted to scream "what about me" when she determinedly didn't introduce me to the vicar. She introduced everyone else and looked a time. Her daughter introduced me. She is not a nice lady, cruel and unkind.
I wondered as I looked at my dad dying body what it's all been about.
It was painful to as JH sat talking about what an amazing soldier he was. Some of it I had never believed. Perhaps it was true. And then when people talk about what a lovely man he's been. What about all the horrible parts my mum and I endured. I know my mum adored him. But he's created a different persona I think in his new life. And that excluded me entirely.
I am hurt and sad. Time to heal perhaps. The Universe is really my parent.
Bliss
XX
