Beatings

So he said that his insecurity was triggered wondering if I took pleasure from the brutal experience with GW. I was horrified as disgust struck through me. As time clicked on through these moments I was and remain grateful for this comment as it opened up the door to a bundle of emotions I have been detached from. It was a revolting experience. He stuck things in me, he beat with my own riding crop, he slapped me in places that were very painful. He was completely unavailable in between visits.
Bliss
X

Portcullis up, drawbridge down.

People who judge harshly towards me will not be close, long term friends.
However where is the balance of receiving people's opinions when they are questioning my beliefs ad values. To maintain an open mind would be helpful.

It's normal for insecurities to be heightened when in a new relationship. It happens to everyone. With a addict using and insecurities would be lethal. Thank goodness I have my food recovery in place. It is such a  help to not have the body image insecurities.

It's so helpful speaking with some people. I have realised that already I am not being entirely honest with my new sponsor. She is not aware that G is staying every night. There is no plan either for him to leave despite us talking a while ago about having some time apart. I think I'd like it planned rather than him suddenly saying well I'm going to have a night away. When we spoke about that last evening he said that if I suddenly wanted a night alone he would wonder what I'm actually planning. Here is a good example of the insecurity and lack of trust.
Therefore I do think it would be good to plan something into our "not living together" scenario. Pah! He's been here over 2 weeks now and apart from me working and a couple of visits with friends, we've been together. And this last week and 2 days I've been on annual leave as well so even more time together. it's remarkable in some ways that we've spent all this together and had only a few periods of time in shut down.
We had a moment on Sunday. I made judgemental comments about people having affairs. My motives behind my udgements were fear based of course. My fear that if G still thinks it's okay to have affairs then it would be possible for him to cheat on me. How the hell can I of all people make such a judgement about this type of behaviour. Never say never is one thought and I have a history of breaking such trusts. I had affairs when in relationships and I also had affairs with men in relationships. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it regardless of any morals or principles.
Not to mention my resentment with my father for his flirtations with women and the belief that he was seeing T before my mum was even buried. How dare he do that to my mum. Especially when I believe that she had been so loyal to him. She adored him. I have wondered whether there had ever been any infidelities. The opportunities were there with all her travelling. And she was vivacious and flirty. Ad whilst my mum could appear naughty I also felt that she was very strongly principled. Somewhat prudish I could often think. Different values I suppose.
Anyway G quite rightly said that I was not listening to his actual experience and instead judging the behaviour. He was trying to tell me about meeting a particular woman and one thing leading to another resulting in them having an affair. She was married. Mrs E is married too. Now I can see how I wasn't listening and that it wasn't the case now. Perhaps I was too pointing out something that doesn't sit so comfortably with him. The fact that he chooses unavailable women for relationships is one thing. But also I was saying that it is not okay for people to actually carry through the attraction knowing there is someone else involved. Where is a persons integrity and dignity too when there is another partner? Where is self restraint in all of this. If desire is so powerful then no one would be faithful, trustworthy and loyal. The funny thing is the other way around G would be so hurt. I'm not sure what it was actually that was touched in him but the Port Cullis dropped down heavily. I said you seem angry. He said "it doesn't matter". Then there were long silences with the gap between me on my settee and him in his smoking retreat very obvious. The string was severed. As a result the drawbridge was raised. Very powerful imagery of not only the distance between us but the barriers.
I felt initially frustrated and fed up. Wondering to myself if I can be bothered if this is how it is going to be every time. I felt suddenly strong and powerful thinking just get out. But there was also a voice saying work through this. This is G and I have strong feelings of LOBE for him (load of bollocks emotion, as we've sort of nick-named it). I ant to see how it is to accept someone as they are. I'm doing something similar with M. It is perhaps easier to do when loving someone for who they are. And I do. I love M and G for the person I know and meet on a daily basis. I am wondering if I am falling in LOBE with G. There are strong feelings. and I am hoping not to become overly attached and needy. I did that before. Every time in fact and very early on. So this is similar perhaps. BUT there are many things that are very new - INTIMACY (into me you see). The open and honest sharing. I managed to tell him the truth about having been married 3 times. It came up as we were talking about being honest. I can't remember what it was that had been raised about honesty but I just knew it wasn't sitting comfortably that he'd asked about how many times I'd been married. I skirted over the number. Fear and shame. Well the truth is I've been married 3 times and I discussed the details. Oh this had led on from him asking me about terminations of pregnancy - abortion the common word. Ugh however much I hate to say it this was a part of my history too. I know this had an affect on G. It was more that he thought I hadn't thought to mention it to him. There we go again you see that distrust through emission - secrecy. A form of dishonesty.
I am learning through G about honesty. Sometimes though I don;t know what my truth is. I think I am so air-headed the truth is dependant on the very moment. I wonder if I am a pathological liar and have no idea of what the actual truth is. I am frightened by this.
As the day went on with G things did loosen up but not entirely. Only yesterday were we able to relax again with each other. The Port Cullis and Drawbridge are great images of how we both back off from the situation. There are doubts from both of us. It's amazing that G is howing that we can be open about this. I have instances of wondering what the hell I'm doing.
Is it going too fast? IS he aware of what he's doing by staying here permanently? Wondering if it's simply somewhere to be rather than in his own Pit and alone feeling lonely? Do I really want to be involved with someone who has such an emotional attachement to someone else and is keeping that going too? Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with someone who does not want to earn a proper income and how this will cramp any desires to do things and go places. I sometimes look at him ad don't see the attractive person I see at other times. Oddly I have no issue with his issues in connection with sex. I think actually in this matter we are both facing our issues - this is where I feel safest strangely.
The perosn I've met thus far overall though I have feelings of LOBE for. And at times I think I am in LOBE, whatever that means.
And with M too there have been ongoing discussion, claridying misunderstandings here and there. We went to see Rust and Bone. Wow! I really did enjoy this film. I would recommend anyone to see it but these days I am reluctant to do so as I realise it's such a personal thing. Music, films, art, books etc are all personal. Images or ideas or sounds that get right inside me may not be what other find interesting or inspiring. I think I have a passion in me and so I'm easily stimulated by many things. I am like a child who sees everything as pretty colours. I think I like this idea. There are of course some things that just don't "do it" for me. That is indication that there is a degree of discretion and censoring. Phew that goodness.
Anyway Rust and Bone was for me an emotional roller coatser. Havng read the reviews and it getting good press I knew a little about the woman becoming crippled. Knowing this the tension that built in me around the particular building up of that event was excrutiating. I wanted to turn away and for the event not to happen. Of course it did as this was the beginning of interactions of people and their lives.
And this French film interwove different threads and personalities. Different backgrounds and values interwoven and conflicting. I want to know more about each of the people. I also want to know if the leading lady has amputated legs or if this was done through digital cameras. It was so convincing I am left questioning this. The acting was so convincing generally, from the child to the sister to the main characters and anyone that travelled into view. I would like more films of this calibre.

During the film I had a funny thought. What if anything happened to G (he is continuning the inestigation into what appears to be angina) and no one knew to contact me? I was aware that he was doing some work. Having already commented on how rude I find it when people are talking, especially of serious matters, and they turn away to attend to an incoming call or text message. with M I also get offended when we are talking and she is completely distracted, not even an associated thought or focus. I either need to let go of that or tell her. I usually feel disappointed and uhm a word for a feeling I don't know how to describe. There is a sort of sadness as if I am uninteresting and something that matters to me is boring her to the extent that she cannot hold concentration. I feel ignored and unimportant. My trust is questioned and I wonder why I bother to try and talk about the thins that matter to me when they are so unimportant to her anyway. Interesting as it is so important to M that she feels heard. I was relieved that she is beginning to see that other people are also afraid and insecure. She seems to have thought everything is being done to her and everyone else is confidant and settled. She then went on immediately to say how is she supposed to know unless she is being informed. It's almost autistic in her approach.

G was sleeping away in the other room and has now awoken.

As H said to me this morning, God is in this relationship with me. I am not alone. He has had my back covered thus far. A long ife of incredible risks but here I am still alive and ready for the daily adventures of life. Things don't just happen.

What is this situation with B as well? I think I'll have to write anoteh time about this. The fear the utter fear that I have of being me in front of other people. I don't want to tell people who I am - their disapproval? I don't know - there is more to be written though.

Off for now
Bliss
xx

p.s. I am going to meet with Lelung Rinpoche this morning. G and I are good for each other as I will get about getting this organised as a result of G being there. He will go along if I do the organising. We can be so good for wach other. Lets develope the positives and not let the destructives things destroy. It's about being away of the potential lethal weapons not pretneding they don't exist.

xx

 

On Honesty

Having been so excited from really experiencing Steps 1 and 2 as we went through the little red book, I was surprised at what experiencing Step 3 actually brought.
I can't remember the details of what was shared but what I learnt about myself was that it wasn't the choices I made decisions on but being honesty and taking responsibility for my choices that was difficult.
I made a commitment to B (sponsor) not to enter into a relationship. Initially this came about as I started having contact with G. It started about a year ago when we simply chatted at the local AA meeting. He sat next to me at the back of the meeting and asked me a few questions. He was the ONLY person I spoke to because at this time I was just returning to meetings after a break of about a year. This break had been connected with the tumultuous relationship with JH. M made a comment about this when asking if I was happy with G. She went on to say that she was pleased as with JH I was mainly unhappy from the start and she had been constantly worried for me. Interesting. I had been suspicious from the start and of course my suspicions coupled with my insecurity were tantamount to problems. But I was enjoying something about it all, the M/s game, the SL interaction etc. Anyway with G I had been interested in him chatting with me. I found him attractive then but didn't think I should. He looked and sounded angry and himself uncertain. I liked his sharing though. I think he thought I was a complete newcomer. He didn't recognise me from the newbie I had been when I had first seen him at Alton or somewhere. Furthermore, he wouldn't have been on the look out for me but he had been brought to my attention by A. She was seeing him as far as I could gather from what she was telling me. He hasn't admitted that by the way. What do I do with that information? I could perhaps ask S as she was A's sponsor at the time. It's besides the by really because there are relationships I haven't mentioned and my reasons are shame based I think.
Anyway that first encounter or two or three was probably the end of 2010 when everything was ending with JH. When he stopped attending the meeting I was disturbed for the first time but then didn't think of him again. Then I started going to the Wednesday meeting and there he was. He sat next to me and we chatted. This happened every week. And I positioned myself deliberately near where he might wish to sit. Then he asked me to do a chair and had my phone number. I had to text and cancel as I had returned to Day 1 due to not weighing cheese accurately. That was a crazy situation in my head. I over weighed the cheese completely without intention. And before even taking a mouthful I realised and so I guessed what would be 2 oz. Why I didn't get up and weigh it was the issue for me. I was at home and could easily have done so. I think a part of me wanted extra. I think there have been a couple of meals out when I have not gauged 6 oz of potato too. I think on Saturday I was probably over on the cooked veg but very under on the salad. The potatoes were probably just about right but had been sauteed. The tuna was probably a little bit over. I ate the lot.
Anyway then communication commenced to the phone with G. He called initially and we had banter chat. It was fun and interesting. He wasn't all jokes and Micky taking. He was clearly intelligent and thought provoking. There was serious talking to be swapped. And this then happened a few times, talking into the early hours of the morning. This went on with him realising at some point that I was the same person he'd met at Petersfield. And he asked me if I'd like to go for a walk. Wow! That was the clincher really. My attraction and interest was already there. He drove to the village and he took me to Winchester Hill. There he was showing me all the wild flowers, birds and it was outdoors talk, fresh and a beautiful day. We encountered PW and I suddenly found myself embarrassed to be seen with G. The doubts that I had were the thoughts I projected onto PW. Interesting.
I don't think either of us wanted the walk to be over when it was and so discussed going for a coffee. We went to a pub ad it was there that he couldn't resist touching me. I was sitting cross-legged back to front on the settee. I've since learnt that he wasn't at all certain what that meant. It happened another time in his car on the way back from Petworth. Both times he read it as some sort of come on. Well he read that correctly. Except for me it was being quirky rather than straightforward flirty. Being quirky is making me special and different and noticeable. I've also discovered that he had such a strong urge to touch me during the walk and then sitting there he couldn't resist anymore. He touched my knee and asked if I minded. I said no, of course I didn't mind. On the contrary I liked it.
The entire asking out and the being out was very gentle and easy. Yes there was me on best quirky behaviour but at the same time feeling a lot easier with myself. The joy of being confident in my body is amazing. As the evening drew on I knew I needed to sort out my evening meal. So I suggested we went for something to eat. We tried the George in the village but it was too expensive. This was a little squirmy for me knowing already that he was not working and penniless. It wasn't what I had in mind for myself. All this time I had been thinking that okay the next man will be a wealthy man. Despite being completely unattracted physically I asked myself if I could go out with PW, afterall he was going to be wealthier than I am used to even though he has been negotiating alimony with his estranged wife. But also I heard the sickness in him still being in recovery maybe 4 or 5 years thus far. And his sharing is rather cliched at times. Not to mention only recently splitting from his wife. He wasn't ready yet but then neither was I as I was committed to my AWOL and the thought that I wouldn't be getting myself into any relaitonships until the AWOL was over. I am not sure now if at that stage I had actually committed to no relationships but certainly discussions with B about me and relationships suggested that this was the case. It didn't at that stage need to be an official commitment.
So G and went to another pub restaurant. That's when I went off my committed food and hadn't told my sponsor to this day. It was also much later than planned for. We sat and chatted there for a long time too and when eventually he drove me to my flat it was very late. He reached over and kissed me full on the lips. I was surprised but not perturbed. Inwardly it made me smile. Part of the reason for going out to eat and sitting in the car chatting for hours was because my flat was so untidy and dirty. He had once before suggested that he and Erst, his buddy came over for a coffee. I have learnt that that was his gentle way of getting closer to me without being too forward. For a man who says he has incredible low self esteem I really love his ways of showing interest in me. And I let him.
I didn't tell B the whole truth and certainly didn't tell anyone else. Secrecy you see. Dishonesty through ommission. This is the ting that makes me untrustworthy. And I don't like it. When G is not here I want to tell my new sponsor G that he is here almost permanently now. I will come to that as it's a big leap but not so in terms of it happening. Talk about taking things slowly. Huh!
So I was curious.
I did however tell my sponsor. And also had a lot of discrepancies between who G was and the person I want to be with. I already knew he was angry with the world and wasn't flush at all with money. I wasn't sure about physical attraction either. There was something physically attractive looks-wise but a very grumpy looking face. He hadn't ever dressed in an attrative way, always in filthy trainers and tracksuit pants. He was usually unshaven and a general dirty look about him. He looks like a big time drinker still. And he was. Bloody hell. He makes my drinking look light-weight.
So telling mysponsor at this stage and cuttng contact was easy. Her suggestion was just not to respond. So I didn't for a week. But then I really am fed up with cutting contact and so sent a text. Talking about this time with G I said I didn't receive the texts. He had since told Erst because what would usually have been kept a secret to retain his complete confidentiality was not longer an issue. He thought it was already all over. However, I sent a text and so conversations and texting resumed. He asked me out for another walk. During this walk he actually put his arms around me from behind, asking as he did it if I minded. He was dog sitting for Mrs E. Now he'd already told me abou Mrs E saying that he was committed to her. This conversation occurred in the car after the first walk. I'd almost forgotten that. So returning to that moment. I think I enquired what was happeneing and he replied "between thee and me?". I think he had expressed his interest and wanting to see what happens. I had said that I was not available for a relationship and he feigned a disppointed face and at that time told me about Mrs E.
He is no longer in a sexual relationship with her but had been. That ended about 2 years ago. She is married but G is sort of a part of the family. He dog sits and does odd jobs and it's the closest thing to home he has. He is treated quite horribly at times by her but .... he really cares for her and never wants any harm to come to her. She continues to drink although attends meetings every so often. At one time they went to meetings together. Oddly enough Mrs E's sponsor in name only is S.
By the way, me asking about what was happening is quite extraordinary. Never in the past would I have done that. It would have seen too presumptious and feeling like the shit on someone's shoe most of the time would mean it couldn't possibly be anything. That would be the greatest opportunity for someone to shame me and mock me. But G didn't he took the question seriously.
Apparently Mrs E has not told her about her drinking or G. This was interesting as it was S I had spoken to enquiring what she thought of G, explianing that there had been increased communications and interest between us and wondered what she thought of him, i.e. was he a player? She had thought no. She mentioned he had once had a relationship of some sort with someone she sponsored and so now I don't know whether she meant A or Mrs E. I will ask her some day.
Amazingly she has asked me if I'd house-sit whilst she and C are on holiday during January. What's so special about this is the fact that she fosters and house-sitting will involve being responsible for the current foster kids. One I think she said is 21 and I find that strange. There are three of them in total.
The conversation in the care was left with him thinking let's see how it goes and me thinking I had made it clear I am not available for a relationship. I didn't at that point say no contact. However with continuing contact it was clear that there was interest mutually. So the week without contact felt good but also not good. I made contact as I explained we went for a walk with his adopted dogs. He grabbed me several times from behind and we held those moments. I didn't tell B. I continued not telling B as the contact continued and escalated. I visited him at Mrs E's staying late into the night. We talked about what has become known as skin therapy. He was brave enough to say he wanted to be closer to me. By this time he'd already explianed his issues with sex. I am constantly impressed by his straightforwardness and honesty. So after an argument of sorts, when I experienced his anger and shut down, we had what I had said I wanted, skin on skin. We had talked about this prior to the shut down moment. Perhaps the thought of it enabled G to talk more about his childhood. He was left very vulnerable I felt afterwards and therefore very sensitive. I had mentioned something in a way that he felt under the therapists questionnig and become very defensive. It is not my palce to tell his story in detail but his circumstances are very connected with what I see as areas of sensitivity today.
He was raised in children's homes and realises himself that this attachment he has with dogs and with Mrs E and her home is directly associated with this need for somewhere regardless of how well he's treated or not. Also the most sensitive things he spoke of was uncomfortable phycical encounters with his father who he learnt later was gay. These would today be considered sexual abuse even though not penetrative. I asked questions and he felt threatened by that. He said I had the counsellor hat on and he didn't like being questioned. It was a razor sharp attack at me. Pushing me right away. I was hurt and upset but said that he obviously made his choices as I prepared to leave. When he realised I was upset it seemed to ground him again. And thta night we ended up in bed. He touched and felt me all over. Holding me and kissing me. There was no sex. Neither of us wanted that. But to be close and feel his warmth was exquisite for me. I was really feeling strong feelings for him by this time.
I feel sad about his past but not pity and no desire to fix him. I have learnt much. We talk about the past and the present. we takl about relating and at times it feels likes intimacy. There is an enmeshment already in that he has started staying here and apart from one night he has been here ever since.
That happened after Mrs E. I returned there until the last night when Mrs E and her husband were due back. He then came here I think or maybe there was one night between. One night apart was due to an argument. I was insecure and questioning, probing after an afternoon he'd spent with Mrs E. To begin with my insecurity was heightened by the fact that he wasn't telling Mrs e> However I understood as I wasn't telling B. I wasn't telling B because I had admitted to her about reinstigating contact and reluctantly agreed to cutting contact again. This involved speaking with S (FA) and preapring a cut of contact text or speech. I wanted to for the sake of B and FA but didn;t want to for the sake of me and of the potential relationship instigated. One evening G and I had realised that I had a boyfrriend. It was somehow very natural and easy-going as we talked about it openly and honestly.
So half-heartedly I prepaared to cut contact but didnt actually do it. And from there the secret was formulated. I was worried that G decided eventually to tell Mrs E as if it was for me. He even threw that comment out when we were having a insecurity driven argument. I have since leart that I need to take my insecurity eslewhere and not dump it at his feet. I need to return to that concept that E introduced to me all those years ago with SH, to support his choice in friends rather than defame and disparagge his choice - out of jealousy. Ugly!
So I have stopped that and amazingly things are so much easier day to day. He talks to me about what's going on and I don't react. That makes it safe for him to be able to tell me and I feel some "control" knowing what's going on. Perhaps with time I will not need to know. I do get fed up with the constant barrage of texts which have more recently escalted into phone calls. However I understand the desperation. Especially in drinking. That feeling of loss of control and the terror of not being good enough and someone else is better. Ugh! All those thoughts were so crippling and painful. It was the only reality. I thank goodness I am not in that at the moment. The last time was with JH and I was awful. Suspicious and argumentative. Wnating to know then arguig about what I did know. How vile to be on the receiving end of but worse still to be int he pain of it all.
Please God don't let that happen again. It's possible of course if G and I don't remain honest. If this should slip into complacency and habit then it's very possible it could happen either way. We both have difficiulties with intimacy and self esteem.
Throughtout all of these days with increasing closeness and sex nothing was said to B. With every day and every AWOL I was feeling so uncomfortable. This was good though. In previous times I would have been uncomfortaable but not knowing why. I would be going undergroundvery quickly. I am certain my mum would know and probably my dad too. M certainly is aware that something isn't being said. And the secrecy or dishonesty through ommission is a usual mode of operandi for me. IN that way I get what I want without being disapproved of. This has only become apparent over the weeks. I don't know how many weeks exactly but it's probably 3 or 4 now.
It was so useful talking with H. I became honest with her. It was with huge risk but I knew I needed to start getting honest somewhere. G had taken great risk and become honest with Mrs E. I saw how difficult it was for him before and afterwards. He needed to do for himself not for me and I think overall he did. It just slipped out one time that he had done what I wanted him to dao risking everything he held important. He was honest and put trust in the outcome whatever that may be. And sure enough he is ont hereceiving end of some problematic behaviours and threats. I hate that she wants to try and get him into bed and wants to kiss and be held by him. But this is his life and his choices. If he is unfaithful to me and I disover it I can begin to seperate that from a personal slight. I would have taken it as that before and fallen into the pain of not being good enough etc. But I can get glimpses of and hold onto for increasing moments that it is not true. I am beginning to liek myself more and more and respect me as a being. If someone else can't then sadly they can go.
This has sort of occurred with M. She has issues with me. One of those being my dishonesty. I made an apology and talked about what I am seeing and doing. Other things she is upset about are more her issue - she had mentioned being jealous and I think I can actually see that. Our circumstances have changed. This is a mutual situation but I have felt blamed for this. And blamed for the change in conytact. I accept fully that M at times wihdraws and have gradually gien up trying so hard. And yet I am getting blamed for it is how it seems to me. Anyway we chatted again and again on the phone about this with tears and ager and all sorts of words. Then meeting on Saturday, M raised the issue once again. I acknowledge that circumstances have changed. We are both busier and also both meeting other people and doing things with other people. However, my friendship remains as strong. I love being with M and love her for who she is. I accept her for her foibles. Sometimes things about her annoy me but not so as to get in the way of loving her for who she is. I can even be jealous of her, the things she is doing and achieving. Her arrogance infuriates me. These things though do not decry the love and friendship I feel. Then there is me. I am sorry about my dishonesty. To her and to everyone. I am really seeing it in different ways now. My desire for secrecy rather than privacy is of interest to me. Secrecy means avoiding didapproval and that disapproval brings enormous fear. If people disapprove so be it. This is me and these are my life choices. I can stand up and be counted more and more. I can be responsible for my choices. Things may be bad  choices they may be good. Everyone does it. It's my life path. With every decision come lessons if I stay conscious. If I am secretive I drive myself further underground and there is less opportunity to learn and grow. In secrecy there is no one to reflect and discover with. It's all in my head. Outside persoectives matter.
I told M that she matters and I care. I mean that about a lot of things. I came across that idea one day when writing about a client and clients. It's true. People do matter to me and some of course mre than the general as they are closer to me. And because they matter I care about them.
It feels so good to have stood up and been honest. I am me. This is what I am doing. I repsect that B did not want to continue sposnoring me. I feel it is a shame. She is very firm in what's required and that's okay. I feel that everyone has to choose their journey and I can support them with that. There is a fine line though and that is what I am not sure of.
For instance with the food I need a rigid food plan. I was given that and have followed it to a tee. I think though it's a fellowship plan rather than an individual plan. Is not having a relationship a fellowship plan. People suggest not making major changes until after the AWOL because then I will know myself better. Perhaps it is maverick but whenever will I fully know myself. Perhaps this is the devil's fruit tempting me? Who knows. I know for sure that I will discover the truth. I could step aside and never know. The course of my life would surely be different over the next year.
Yes there is enmeshment but I can work thorugh this with help and support. For example I want to meet up with M on Friday. I want to tell G I'dlike to do this without it turning into him retaliating by then going out and doing something that could end up with him being tempted elsewhere in emotions about me choosing to go out with a friend.
I am not doing anything wrong with M and wish to remain in contact with my friends. If he takes umbridge and does something in the emotion of it then so be it. That's indication that this relationship is flawed. Whether it's flawed beyond repair who would know. Anyway I need to speak with him about this and my fears. I do not want clipped wings. In the past I have blamed "the men" for clipping my wings. But I've stayed on the ground long enough for them to do it. I would like to go out with M. I want our friendship. All being well I'm going to London with A and G to the Bronze exhibition at the Royal Academy. Historically it interests me and I enjoyed the sculptures at the Hobein Museum in Bath. I hope both events happen. Hopefully there is a matinee performance at the cinema as I'd also like to go to the Friday meeting. It's my usual meeting. I get home by 9:20 is so if G wants time with his friend Mrs E and the dogs there's plenty of time for us to regather together.
I need to approach the matter with him. Face my fear. More fear of rejection as a result of being me. It's not disapporval I'm afraid of. What is it? It'll become clearer.
So relief from being honest. Freedom from fear. The relationship seems legitimate now. I can talk more openly about it. G still wants secrecy for his confidentiality and this is connected with everyone knowing everything when he was a child. There were records. All he was in a way was a record. I feel so sad that this should have been how it was. He is more than a record and series of facts to me. He is very real and human and a sentient being. He is sensitive, loving and caring. I like him. He's intelligent, quick witted and funny. He doesn't need money or clothes to be these things he is them. I have strong feelings for him right now.
We are fiding sexual intimacy and I am learning how to be comfortable talking about what's good or not. So is he. His issues seem less prominent to me. Of course he knows the extent of them but my experience is very different from his description of himself.
It's good for today. I write this as he sleeps after a sleepless night of tooth pain. I am very worried about his heart condition and want for the inestigations to continue sooner than later. They said 2 to 3 weeks after the recent exploration through the artery. They see a vessel closed completely and the artery is furred up. There is deep concern. He continues to smoke heavily, probably more. We have talked about giving up but he think about it with each cigerette at the moment. if he's ready he will do it. What pressure and that's not conducive to giving up. Ironic!
I am on annual leave this week and relieved not to be having to go to the place with the hell-woman. It's better because I just don't enter into anything with her. However, she works in a way that I cannot adjust to. I find it very worrying that she sponsored a client. We hear nohting from that client now. I wonder what has happened.
Sometimes she does things I think are way off the mark but turn out okay. There is risk there though. Are we in a position to take such risks? I think not. She thinks so. We are poles apart on that.
I hope I've been able to make my point clearly about the honesty being the issue and not the decision.
Of course the decision comes into it's own once the honesty is placed. I love that honesty is a spiritual principle I want to work within.
Oh and the book the Cave in the Snow. Wow! It's so worth a read. I should like to meet Tenzin Palmo. I have a deep desire to travel to India to see if it's possible. G seems to have heard that she is back in silent retreat. If she is she is but it would be worth making the pilgrimage. He is hesitant. perhaps it is too much of a commitment to be saying that January 2014 we will make that journey. I think I will start saving towards is. if I put a fiver away a month in an Indian fund who knows what will happen.
I have a date fixed with G - whatever happens between us I will be at the Seven Sisters Country Park Riverside Car park at 4pm o 19th October 2013. If we are together still then we could travel together. If not I hope he will turn up. It's a full moon. So long as the night is celar there is awalk where the moon lights up the water apparently in a spectacular way. I think a full mooon would make it even more worthwhile so I have fixed this date with him. I fixed the date before we had decided to be in a relationship. Since then I'm not sure if G sees hinself in a relationship or not. It's of no matter wha each of us label it. We are going along a day at a time and so far the way he is with me seems very compatible. His interests and his manner. He is touchy with me. We seem mutually paced. He is worried I will get bored with him. I ill never get bored so long as I can also do the tings I enjoy doing. I'd love to do things with him too if he wants to. I want to do things he does like walking and watch him doing his crossword. He thinks I am clever or bright. I think not. It's lovely so far. I hope it will remain so.
I will look up some dentists for him now.

Praying for the courage to remain honest
Bliss
XXX

The Top 10 things about time and space, Bliss, that most people seem to forget...

10. You chose to be here and you knew what you were doing.
9. There are no "tests" and you're not being judged.
8. Everyone's doing their best, with what they know.
7. You already have whatever you're looking for.
6. You are of the Divine, pure God, and so is everyone else.
5. Religion needs spirituality; spirituality does not need religion.
4. You're naturally inclined to succeed - at everything you do.
3. You happen to life, life does not happen to you.
2. Order, healing, and love belie every moment of chaos, pain, and fear.
1. Following your heart is the best way to help others.

The truth shall set you free,
The Universe

In Hampshire Hurricanes Hardly Ever Happen

Wow! What just happened?
There's a mountain to write. M, G, honesty, jealousy, self respect, confusion. I have no idea what is the best thing to do. Others will doubtlessly give advice and opinions and through it all I will need to pick out a way forward. There are a number of choices to choose from and all heading forward. Nothing can go backwards as it's impossible. But travelling back in time is actually how to go forward. Learning from past experiences. That is time travelling. So I can whizz backwards and observe. This will both influence the next decision, based on experiential patterns and information but the past can also contribute to making changes to those experiences and moving out of conditioning. Can't it? It requires being very conscious and that's so difficult.
My confusion right now is what to do next regarding G. Of course my decisions are based on my fantasies of what's going to happen next anyway. What if doesn't contact me at all? What should I do regarding his hospital visit on Wednesday? Should I offer to go anyway? Do I talk to him about continuing this relationship? Do I even want to continue the relationship? Do I really fancy him? Do I really want him in my life to that degree of commitment and relationship? Do I want to work through all that anger and receiving of it whether it's personal or not? Is that even normal? Do I want to be in a relationship with a man that is so emotionally attached to a woman and her environment? The answer to that is no. One no should be enough shouldn't it Universe?
If this was the other way around, I doubt very much he would tolerate it. So why should I tolerate it? I would like to be able to be friends. That's all I have to offer I think. That does not mean breaking contact. But equally that no longer means anything of deeper intimacy i.e. sex. It was surprisingly good under the circumstances. But there were things that were taboo, like the complete honesty of my past.
And what is once again so very evident is my fear. The fear of telling people the truth. The complete truth. The fear of being me, totally and utterly. It is useful as I am entering Step Four. This is in my face. Fear, fear, fear.
When asked about marriage I was afraid of telling the complete truth. Yes three times I've been married, not to mention the two near marriages with JC and SH. Ad a string of other longer term relationships and so many short term even one night stands fitted in between. IS it necessary to tell all of that when dating someone? I have a sordid past concerning relationships. I regret having sex with G so soon. I don't regret the sex, just the implication. I do not in my single life want to develop a history of sexual relationships within AA. But there we are - SH and GS now. Since splitting up with SH I have been in a relationship with JB, R, JHtB, - then I forget you see. My sexual inventory is not one I am proud of. And so you'd think I'd want to stop. But I don't know how to date or relate with men. Another good reason not to enter into this sort of thing alone.
So he moved in slightly. There were lovely times. And now he's gone. There were some unpleasant times. Whenever he'd been to visit Mrs E, poor Mrs. E, he was in a bad mood. Coupled with my insecurity and jealousy, that was not going to bode well. I wanted reassurance and niceness and closeness. It seemed as if he wanted controversy and was truculent. At times I felt hurt as if he was purposefully being acerbic and deliberately derisive but then would claim I was being too sensitive or carry it on.
I was sensible when I said "well I'm here when you want to be close and nice". I should have left it at that and dealt with how horrible it was feeling. However, by saying that I was finding it difficult was an opportunity for him to give in. Instead he became angrier at me directly and said that I was taking it personally. He admitted he was in a mood and that was that. So am I supposed to be okay with moodiness from other issues directly affecting me? I am not yet ready to deal with this sort of thing. I would hope that I wouldn't put my mood on someone so directly however I am sure that I do. When feeling insecure it manifests in many ways that can be quite pathetic and manipulative. Such as wanting people to stop being angry with me thereby feeling ill or using illness as a sympathy getter. And if I'm feeling angry I think I strop about ruffling the air and inflating my position and exaggerating the issue.
I have had a lovely conversation with my friend T. I was able to be honest with her about the past couple of weeks. The chaos and the good times. It is such a privilege to have friends that I can be honest with and whom listen and don't put their judgements on me. She was able to hear and I tentatively listened for tones that I think were there. But she gave me her thoughts without accusation. It is different.
We also talked though about not knowing what the purpose of "IT" all is. I mentioned the Cave in the Snow book that I'm reading. Actually that G has lent me. I am grateful for the loan. There are questions Tenzin Palmo was asking as a young girl that I have asked all my life. And without any satisfactory answer thus far. And T posed the same thought - are people who choose to meditate in caves alone for years also escaping something. Perhaps there they do not have to deal with disappointment or emotions evoked through interactions. Their only interaction is with their HP. This too seems like escapism or avoidance to some degree. We are social animals. That of course doesn't mean we have to be. I am becoming better placed to be alone and not feel lonely and scared. Does that mean I would tend to isolate. I think not. I know B puts that upon me but I really don't think I'm an isolator. I tend to do the opposite.
One of the things that has been a slight temptation recently has been SecondLife. What did I do last night? Late into the early hours actually? Yup you've probably guessed correctly, I downloaded a viewer and went into SL. There were a couple of the oldies and someone I spoke to on their arrival. I was apparently the first person they spoke with. She commented on how friendly and helpful I was. I'm glad I left a person with that impression. I spoke with Jokk for a while, still doing the same old things in the same old yella shirt and stinky ol' trainers. Fishin' to grab a few Lindens. Probably he couldn't be contacted because he was having a "session" with some floozy or other and there's me thinking he's one of the few gooduns. Oh and Trip was there. A king now in the world of the Vamps. Still there!! Relationship over and done with and offering a Skype address.
Some things never change. What did I do? Yup for those of you up with all of these era, I sent a message to Senor Dante. I still have an allegiance there. Odd really. I have wondered if he and JH were actually the same person. I saw his emailed message via SL and that was really the motive for going online.
Well G has texted and we have spoken and he will be over after the AWOL which starts in 5. I have to go and little is really written about my observations of myself. This needs to be recorded. It's crucial.
I will make some changes with G. More time for me is needed.

Bliss
XX