Missing JH
Going out!
Bliss
X
Going out!
Bliss
X
Saturday 26 February 2011
Angel Numbers
9 - Your divine life purpose involve the giving of service through natural talents, passions and interests.
0 - relates to prayer and meditation practice, and the all encompassing God Source. God is talking to you.
5 - Relates to change, transformation and alchemy. Someting in your life is changing, or about to change, for the better.
905 - The change you're experiemcing or considering is guided and fully supported by God. This change helps your Divine mission to unfold and manifest.
I don't hold a lot of regard for divining and future telling. For some reason I looked up the numbers.
I am so cyncial - everyday there is change in peoples life. I suppose this just brings it to the surface really. Brings it to the conscious to be looked at rather than just absorbed ito the everyday activities of so-muchness.
Lots of things are changing in my life right now. I am praying for the knowledge of God's will for me. I am meditating on various things that are apparent in my life to take a real observation of them. Comtemplation meditation, I have some ideas but as yet don't know how to really bring them into fruition.
I have been re-thinking the idea of starting a therapy group once a week at a really almost nothing price. I need to get my insurane updated. I would need to find a cheap or free room and then speak to the couple of people who have no money but wanted some therapy. It would be no good unless there were a consistent number of people with consistent attendance. If there are some that come and go that's not a problem. If we make it a closed group that would mean a real commitment from everyone. And then I start to bottle out of doing it. As if anyone would want me to facilitate this ... no one really wants or needs this.
It certainly wouldn't be for financial gain - just donation payment to cover costs. I cannot afford to be out of pocket either. And where? This area - I don't know too many people really. Oh well can keep putting the idea out and see what happens.
Bliss
XX
0 - relates to prayer and meditation practice, and the all encompassing God Source. God is talking to you.
5 - Relates to change, transformation and alchemy. Someting in your life is changing, or about to change, for the better.
905 - The change you're experiemcing or considering is guided and fully supported by God. This change helps your Divine mission to unfold and manifest.
I don't hold a lot of regard for divining and future telling. For some reason I looked up the numbers.
I am so cyncial - everyday there is change in peoples life. I suppose this just brings it to the surface really. Brings it to the conscious to be looked at rather than just absorbed ito the everyday activities of so-muchness.
Lots of things are changing in my life right now. I am praying for the knowledge of God's will for me. I am meditating on various things that are apparent in my life to take a real observation of them. Comtemplation meditation, I have some ideas but as yet don't know how to really bring them into fruition.
I have been re-thinking the idea of starting a therapy group once a week at a really almost nothing price. I need to get my insurane updated. I would need to find a cheap or free room and then speak to the couple of people who have no money but wanted some therapy. It would be no good unless there were a consistent number of people with consistent attendance. If there are some that come and go that's not a problem. If we make it a closed group that would mean a real commitment from everyone. And then I start to bottle out of doing it. As if anyone would want me to facilitate this ... no one really wants or needs this.
It certainly wouldn't be for financial gain - just donation payment to cover costs. I cannot afford to be out of pocket either. And where? This area - I don't know too many people really. Oh well can keep putting the idea out and see what happens.
Bliss
XX
The Old Furiosity Shop - written end of January
I remember him talking about his mixed feelings of love but the ugliness of neediness when he was talking to me about his girlfriend whom he later told me was his ex girlfriend. Very confusing - always slightly not adding up, yet it was clear from the start that he had several people he had strong feelings for. He told me spent 3 weeks with the woman in Australia and had strong feelings for her but they were too far apart and he could not go becuase of his children - of course. He also talked about his issues with commitment.
I wonder if in these early days of SL he was telling me things more truthfully or whether they were all muddled stories. He spoke of love with the woman in Romania but also refers to his girlfriend which could have seemed liek the same person but also another, then the relationship with someone in the US was muddled in as well. Gosh it was a real mish mash of all the women I think.
JH - you didn't eve need to be anything than straight forward - I was content simply to be your slave. You took things to another level. And spun stories.
I wonder whether you can ever get all this straight in your head to be honest with yourself and another human being and the Universe. It will be essential if you want to learn and grow - if you are not ready then so be it. It will continue. I hope not for your own and others sake. Innocent passers by do not deserve to be hurt. Although I have my part in it. I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe.
The strange encounter we started with should really have menat a lot more. I always did wonder from the beginning the amount of time and years you had been on SL and similar and how that had impacted your marriage and your children. I pondered over this but chose to ignore it because I was falling in love with the you you presented to me.
I am writing this tog et it all out in the open for myself - noone else's benefit. I am sure there are clearer explanations from JH. But it is all so muddled I would never get things really clear because the stories have altered as time has gone on. EVen the things that I saw in October. JH did tell me about havings exual encounters over the SL or Internet - not much difference in JUne and July. Well b y that time we were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. I never did say anything different. As a slave that's what I would have been but I said that I only wanted to be in a monogamous relaitonship if it was anything else. If he loved me wouldn;t he have actually respected and honoured this. And yet he claimed that he was and he wasn't. Can this be considered love?
This is all hurt and anger exuding - gradually clearing out of my system. I hope it clears sooner than later because the hurting makes me ultra sensitive.
So much so that I am ill. It is horrid to be so hurt. I would not wish this on any single person in the world.
Rantings.
I wrote this weeks ago but didn't post it for some reason. Never to waste words it is now posted. A lot has altered in my psyche since writing this. I am relieved to feel differently. Thank goodness for Step work invested in creating awareness and steps to fall back on.
The furiosity is with myself - and also thinking and writing helps me to come to terms with the stages of loss - which are DENIAL - ANGER - SADNESS/DEPRESSION - BARGAINING - ACCEPTANCE.
I am coming to more understanding and acceptance. Nevertheless I feel incredibly sad (pain) but less and less angry. I also do a bit of bargaining which actually I realise I feel shame about as I don;t really talk much about that.
I start with the earlier feelings at the bottom and work upwards with newer thoughts and feelings ...
Well I have called Stuart and left a message on his answer machine but he has not called back. This scares me more and more. I cannot bear the thought of being rejected by him. He has brought me so far. He has never been unreliable in the past .......? If he doesn't call back by Monday I will try again and leave a message to say how concerned I am. I don;t even like writing this as it leaves me vulnerable to anyone reading it. People make judgements from peoples actions - that's all we have to read what's going on. I am terrified by him not instantly replying - he may be away, he may be busy, he runs workshops that start on Fridays and run all weekend - I called at some silly evening hour yesterday -
I feel very fragile.
I also think this now ....
oh blimey my head hurts I am going to have a break and a tablet. More later .......
Phew good to share. Release of pressure from pain
Oh and I see a process in me about the need for constant access to people. Not necessarily being with physically but a need to be in contact and JH was a person who fulfilled that. Thus something I recognise in me from years ago. Difficult to be alone yet to be on my own in that. Difficult to put into words right now or understand what is underneath. Want to have courage to contact Stuart.
Want to have courage to say to JH absolutely no way forward for me with him - but also this is not what I want - there is a way just as we are. Me accepting there is no commitment from JH within the circumstances he is in or whatever it is - he just doesn't see us as compatible for him - a million possible reasons - there is someone else now - blah blah blah
But don't want to go the harsh route of no contact
Instead be certain myself and maintain boundaries then if he is not OK with that he may show it's not really friendship for him or maybe he would be OK with it and maintain merely friendship
Awaiting client for assessment. Lots of anxiety for me with this part of my job. Always used to get anxious when interviewing. Similar. And we need clients desperately! So it matters.
Having some clear observations of self but some of what is underlying is not so obvious yet.
Grr(at thinking )- he enters my thoughts as soon as I stop for 1 moment - anger sad longing bargaining self blame!
The anger I feel also involves ugly pride. Wanting to know if he is intriguing with others. Wanting ti know because then it is right that nothing between him and I was more than a game for him. Which then hurts. Wanting any new victim to know - ruin his fun! Or destruction of someone else. Just torture. Sad that I kept receiving lies and then believing but not being able to trust. Angry with HP - why did I have to go through this? I know really not to blame. I chose to try and accept. I do blame JH for lying because he did. But I enabled him to keep lying - I am not a person who can accept it lightly - too insecure. Some people I guess would be secure enough not to mind so much. I just need to accept him as him and me as me and on that very fundamental level it's not compatible
Which is so sad as on so many other levels I really really like him. Accept accept accept. Whether it was what he implied it was or not between us - it was really lovely. I wanted a committed relationship but that's not how it is and not really certain what JH wanted.
Grief- ANGER! Feeling angry and blaming of JH. Grrrrrrrr at all the thinking and feelings - make them go away. I don't really blame JH and it just fuels the pain I feel. Anger easier than sadness as it hurts so much. Then hurting and sad at loss and the little me who has no one special and to look after me at times and treat me special. Sad that it's always been like this and whatever it is about me that contributes to dysfunction in relationships. It's horrid. I would so like loving trusting easy relationship. With fun and emotions that can be held by each other.
Bliss
X
I wonder if in these early days of SL he was telling me things more truthfully or whether they were all muddled stories. He spoke of love with the woman in Romania but also refers to his girlfriend which could have seemed liek the same person but also another, then the relationship with someone in the US was muddled in as well. Gosh it was a real mish mash of all the women I think.
JH - you didn't eve need to be anything than straight forward - I was content simply to be your slave. You took things to another level. And spun stories.
I wonder whether you can ever get all this straight in your head to be honest with yourself and another human being and the Universe. It will be essential if you want to learn and grow - if you are not ready then so be it. It will continue. I hope not for your own and others sake. Innocent passers by do not deserve to be hurt. Although I have my part in it. I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe.
The strange encounter we started with should really have menat a lot more. I always did wonder from the beginning the amount of time and years you had been on SL and similar and how that had impacted your marriage and your children. I pondered over this but chose to ignore it because I was falling in love with the you you presented to me.
I am writing this tog et it all out in the open for myself - noone else's benefit. I am sure there are clearer explanations from JH. But it is all so muddled I would never get things really clear because the stories have altered as time has gone on. EVen the things that I saw in October. JH did tell me about havings exual encounters over the SL or Internet - not much difference in JUne and July. Well b y that time we were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. I never did say anything different. As a slave that's what I would have been but I said that I only wanted to be in a monogamous relaitonship if it was anything else. If he loved me wouldn;t he have actually respected and honoured this. And yet he claimed that he was and he wasn't. Can this be considered love?
This is all hurt and anger exuding - gradually clearing out of my system. I hope it clears sooner than later because the hurting makes me ultra sensitive.
So much so that I am ill. It is horrid to be so hurt. I would not wish this on any single person in the world.
Rantings.
I wrote this weeks ago but didn't post it for some reason. Never to waste words it is now posted. A lot has altered in my psyche since writing this. I am relieved to feel differently. Thank goodness for Step work invested in creating awareness and steps to fall back on.
The furiosity is with myself - and also thinking and writing helps me to come to terms with the stages of loss - which are DENIAL - ANGER - SADNESS/DEPRESSION - BARGAINING - ACCEPTANCE.
I am coming to more understanding and acceptance. Nevertheless I feel incredibly sad (pain) but less and less angry. I also do a bit of bargaining which actually I realise I feel shame about as I don;t really talk much about that.
I start with the earlier feelings at the bottom and work upwards with newer thoughts and feelings ...
Well I have called Stuart and left a message on his answer machine but he has not called back. This scares me more and more. I cannot bear the thought of being rejected by him. He has brought me so far. He has never been unreliable in the past .......? If he doesn't call back by Monday I will try again and leave a message to say how concerned I am. I don;t even like writing this as it leaves me vulnerable to anyone reading it. People make judgements from peoples actions - that's all we have to read what's going on. I am terrified by him not instantly replying - he may be away, he may be busy, he runs workshops that start on Fridays and run all weekend - I called at some silly evening hour yesterday -
I feel very fragile.
I also think this now ....
oh blimey my head hurts I am going to have a break and a tablet. More later .......
Phew good to share. Release of pressure from pain
Oh and I see a process in me about the need for constant access to people. Not necessarily being with physically but a need to be in contact and JH was a person who fulfilled that. Thus something I recognise in me from years ago. Difficult to be alone yet to be on my own in that. Difficult to put into words right now or understand what is underneath. Want to have courage to contact Stuart.
Want to have courage to say to JH absolutely no way forward for me with him - but also this is not what I want - there is a way just as we are. Me accepting there is no commitment from JH within the circumstances he is in or whatever it is - he just doesn't see us as compatible for him - a million possible reasons - there is someone else now - blah blah blah
But don't want to go the harsh route of no contact
Instead be certain myself and maintain boundaries then if he is not OK with that he may show it's not really friendship for him or maybe he would be OK with it and maintain merely friendship
Awaiting client for assessment. Lots of anxiety for me with this part of my job. Always used to get anxious when interviewing. Similar. And we need clients desperately! So it matters.
Having some clear observations of self but some of what is underlying is not so obvious yet.
Grr(at thinking )- he enters my thoughts as soon as I stop for 1 moment - anger sad longing bargaining self blame!
The anger I feel also involves ugly pride. Wanting to know if he is intriguing with others. Wanting ti know because then it is right that nothing between him and I was more than a game for him. Which then hurts. Wanting any new victim to know - ruin his fun! Or destruction of someone else. Just torture. Sad that I kept receiving lies and then believing but not being able to trust. Angry with HP - why did I have to go through this? I know really not to blame. I chose to try and accept. I do blame JH for lying because he did. But I enabled him to keep lying - I am not a person who can accept it lightly - too insecure. Some people I guess would be secure enough not to mind so much. I just need to accept him as him and me as me and on that very fundamental level it's not compatible
Which is so sad as on so many other levels I really really like him. Accept accept accept. Whether it was what he implied it was or not between us - it was really lovely. I wanted a committed relationship but that's not how it is and not really certain what JH wanted.
Grief- ANGER! Feeling angry and blaming of JH. Grrrrrrrr at all the thinking and feelings - make them go away. I don't really blame JH and it just fuels the pain I feel. Anger easier than sadness as it hurts so much. Then hurting and sad at loss and the little me who has no one special and to look after me at times and treat me special. Sad that it's always been like this and whatever it is about me that contributes to dysfunction in relationships. It's horrid. I would so like loving trusting easy relationship. With fun and emotions that can be held by each other.
Bliss
X
Turning a blind eye to inconvenient truths
What a horrid week at work - addiction had a grasp I have rarely witnessed on this one man. Enmeshed with his wife to the extent that they together will kill him. My gosh! People do not see how codependency kills. It's so subtle. It will be the drink that finally does it but it will be the codependency that will drive him to take the drink. This is NEVER OK. It acts as a strong reminder to me the power of the disorder. It kills!
I was exhausted through trying too hard! I feel relief he has gone and guilty for feeling relief but we had to stick rigidly to boundaries. I feel sad that he has one too. Fearful.
I dreamt about the clients last night. But I woke up feeling sick and guilty. I am not sure what caused me to dream that I took one of the clients to his home. (This never ever happens.) I met his wife and was aware his children were there too. He and I then slept there overnight but I was in his bed!!!!! It was not sexual. I woke up in my dream with him cuddling me. I was horrified when I woke in reality. The dream went on - I got up and felt dreadful as his wife was in the house even though actually they were not together anymore. Then I was standing around downstairs chatting with his wife and him, all very friendly and jovially when I sensed in the air it wasn't the weekend. I asked what day it was and they said Monday. It was 9.05 am. I then tried to get ready but realised my clothes were not suitable for work. It was a red dress I loved when I was in my early 20's. It was a such a beautiful dress. I was so skinny then :) .I was trying to put it on but knew it was not suitable so miraculously some other tops of mine were there that I could cover the dress bodice with. But I couldn't get them on quickly enough as I was in such a hurry. I had to get the client back too. Then his little daughter walked in and asked if she could be there. All very embarrassing.
Then we were at a river. ML was there trying to negotiate as always a free bee. I have realised how irritating that can be to me. I am pleased she gets lots of things. But when she does she always pushes for the next thing too. I have witnessed people say yes but not looking happy about it. (This is not dream by the way). It's odd because she is so self conscious in many ways but then the opposite when it comes to things like this. She says well it is their responsibility to say no. I have mentioned in the past that I think she pushes people too far and they are less willing later. Its no big deal but its interesting to observe why I get irritated. I wondered if I am jealous. I don't think so but it's a possibility. I must admit I don't like the idea of being jealous, it's such an ugly emotion or drives ugly behaviour unless very very aware of it. Maybe I am jealous of her courage to ask. Although it just seems rude and taking advantage of already extreme generosity. I would like to clarify that it's not the initial negotiations for something. It's about once having got people to agree on something she then pushes for more. I think I feel that it's taking advantage of niceness an a bit of the killer instinct having found what could be a weakness of generosity then making use of it.
Anyway back to my dream. So we were at this river with ML negotiating with a man who ran a very cheap and makeshift ferry. She wanted some space or something for storage I think. Then I saw JG. We were all talking including the client. When I said to JG Oh No! You are here too!!! We are both late. And I hadn't phoned PD. I phone him well in advance in reality when I am running late. So the fact that I hadn't phoned and my clothes and my guilt of having slept in the bed with the client - oh it was a horrible, horrible feeling.
It was the overwhelming feeling I would get with the chaos when I was using or acting out. I would get what I wanted but there was a high price to pay of mess that I would try to sort out with cover up stories and lies.
In my dream of course I fancied this man. And goodness knows how we ended up at his house, that part of my dream has long gone. But having got what I clearly wanted there was all this mess. And I could feel the shame and guilt but was feeling it not identifying it.
At that point, leaving all of us standing by the river, I woke up. And that's just how it feels that I have woken up leaving all of them there. It's odd. I have woken observing the guilt and shame. I have wondered if I have an attraction to the client now. I like him very much indeed as a person. He is a very sensitive and gentle man. He is growing in awareness with everyday and realising in a painful way the impact of his drinking on his family whom he loves incredibly. But I do not in anyway fancy him. He is also incredibly intelligent which is always interesting to encounter. It's always so important to acknowledge if there is an attraction to any client so that the boundaries can be continually reinforced. I hope never to end up in a situation like IC. That has been so destructive for him and for her. And I have seen it in others. Frequently clients believe they love, but of course there's a lot of dysfunction in that very situation.
For some reason his particular dreams seems very relevant but why I do not know.
I think I a feeling quite fragile. The work has been really tough this week. And whilst I have been driven a little bonkers by client a I am also picking up all this sensitivity from client b and feeling for him. I am not sure when he has ever been able to allow himself to feel. He is very depressed too. I also assessed a young girl already being so deeply affected by sex and love addiction. When I described her behaviours to her, she was shocked that I knew her so well - her highs and the deeply painful lows. She is so beautiful and charming and youthful I truly hope she decides to come in for treatment because she can have the chance to arrest this now and not live the rest of her life through the agony of escalating love addiction. It kills! She deserves to learn how to love herself now. And then enjoy the rest of her life, free.
Yes I think I am feeling a lot of weight of this illness.
Studying today. I do feel a real need for some interesting socialising.
I will see friends tomorrow and an evening of fun is planned. And I may visit another friend this evening or go to a meeting I am not sure which. It is a beautifully sunny morning so I will take a walk amongst the trees now.
Watch her disappear Tom Waits
Last night I dreamed that I was dreaming of you
And from a window across the lawn I watched you undress
Wearing your sunset of purple tightly woven around your hair
That rose in strangled ebony curls
Moving in a yellow bedroom light
The air is wet with sound
The faraway yelping of a wounded dog
And the ground is drinking a slow faucet leak
Your house is so soft and fading as it soaks the black summer heat
A light goes on and the door opens
And a yellow cat runs out on the stream of hall light and into the yard
A wooden cherry scent is faintly breathing the air
I hear your champagne laugh
You wear two lavender orchids
One in your hair and one on your hip
A string of yellow carnival lights comes on with the dusk
Circling the lake with a slowly dipping halo
And I hear a banjo tango
And you dance into the shadow of a black poplar tree
And I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
The other night I dreamt of my mum. I do;t knw where we were but she was sitting in an armchair and I was next to her but on the floor. I had my arm next to ehrs on the arm of the chair and I could feel her skin on my skin. I like the feel of my mum's soft skin. I said to her that I was all bloated up and couldn't bear it. She said " Iam too and everyone is here, look". I felt extreme angst at not being understood that whilst it was OK for everyone to be the same but I just am not used to it or liking it or wanting to get used to it. I shouted at my mum it's horrid and not OK. I woke up. I like meeting my mum in my dreams. I asked her to look after my cousin. It was a weird dream though. I never meet her in dreams, it;s always in a nowhere type place - nothing else happening, just really me with her. Usually I don't remember what we have spoken about.
It;s a while since I have met wth her. I am grateful for the opportunity. I miss her nonetheless and shed a tear for her.
Bliss
X
I was exhausted through trying too hard! I feel relief he has gone and guilty for feeling relief but we had to stick rigidly to boundaries. I feel sad that he has one too. Fearful.
I dreamt about the clients last night. But I woke up feeling sick and guilty. I am not sure what caused me to dream that I took one of the clients to his home. (This never ever happens.) I met his wife and was aware his children were there too. He and I then slept there overnight but I was in his bed!!!!! It was not sexual. I woke up in my dream with him cuddling me. I was horrified when I woke in reality. The dream went on - I got up and felt dreadful as his wife was in the house even though actually they were not together anymore. Then I was standing around downstairs chatting with his wife and him, all very friendly and jovially when I sensed in the air it wasn't the weekend. I asked what day it was and they said Monday. It was 9.05 am. I then tried to get ready but realised my clothes were not suitable for work. It was a red dress I loved when I was in my early 20's. It was a such a beautiful dress. I was so skinny then :) .I was trying to put it on but knew it was not suitable so miraculously some other tops of mine were there that I could cover the dress bodice with. But I couldn't get them on quickly enough as I was in such a hurry. I had to get the client back too. Then his little daughter walked in and asked if she could be there. All very embarrassing.
Then we were at a river. ML was there trying to negotiate as always a free bee. I have realised how irritating that can be to me. I am pleased she gets lots of things. But when she does she always pushes for the next thing too. I have witnessed people say yes but not looking happy about it. (This is not dream by the way). It's odd because she is so self conscious in many ways but then the opposite when it comes to things like this. She says well it is their responsibility to say no. I have mentioned in the past that I think she pushes people too far and they are less willing later. Its no big deal but its interesting to observe why I get irritated. I wondered if I am jealous. I don't think so but it's a possibility. I must admit I don't like the idea of being jealous, it's such an ugly emotion or drives ugly behaviour unless very very aware of it. Maybe I am jealous of her courage to ask. Although it just seems rude and taking advantage of already extreme generosity. I would like to clarify that it's not the initial negotiations for something. It's about once having got people to agree on something she then pushes for more. I think I feel that it's taking advantage of niceness an a bit of the killer instinct having found what could be a weakness of generosity then making use of it.
Anyway back to my dream. So we were at this river with ML negotiating with a man who ran a very cheap and makeshift ferry. She wanted some space or something for storage I think. Then I saw JG. We were all talking including the client. When I said to JG Oh No! You are here too!!! We are both late. And I hadn't phoned PD. I phone him well in advance in reality when I am running late. So the fact that I hadn't phoned and my clothes and my guilt of having slept in the bed with the client - oh it was a horrible, horrible feeling.
It was the overwhelming feeling I would get with the chaos when I was using or acting out. I would get what I wanted but there was a high price to pay of mess that I would try to sort out with cover up stories and lies.
In my dream of course I fancied this man. And goodness knows how we ended up at his house, that part of my dream has long gone. But having got what I clearly wanted there was all this mess. And I could feel the shame and guilt but was feeling it not identifying it.
At that point, leaving all of us standing by the river, I woke up. And that's just how it feels that I have woken up leaving all of them there. It's odd. I have woken observing the guilt and shame. I have wondered if I have an attraction to the client now. I like him very much indeed as a person. He is a very sensitive and gentle man. He is growing in awareness with everyday and realising in a painful way the impact of his drinking on his family whom he loves incredibly. But I do not in anyway fancy him. He is also incredibly intelligent which is always interesting to encounter. It's always so important to acknowledge if there is an attraction to any client so that the boundaries can be continually reinforced. I hope never to end up in a situation like IC. That has been so destructive for him and for her. And I have seen it in others. Frequently clients believe they love, but of course there's a lot of dysfunction in that very situation.
For some reason his particular dreams seems very relevant but why I do not know.
I think I a feeling quite fragile. The work has been really tough this week. And whilst I have been driven a little bonkers by client a I am also picking up all this sensitivity from client b and feeling for him. I am not sure when he has ever been able to allow himself to feel. He is very depressed too. I also assessed a young girl already being so deeply affected by sex and love addiction. When I described her behaviours to her, she was shocked that I knew her so well - her highs and the deeply painful lows. She is so beautiful and charming and youthful I truly hope she decides to come in for treatment because she can have the chance to arrest this now and not live the rest of her life through the agony of escalating love addiction. It kills! She deserves to learn how to love herself now. And then enjoy the rest of her life, free.
Yes I think I am feeling a lot of weight of this illness.
Studying today. I do feel a real need for some interesting socialising.
I will see friends tomorrow and an evening of fun is planned. And I may visit another friend this evening or go to a meeting I am not sure which. It is a beautifully sunny morning so I will take a walk amongst the trees now.
Watch her disappear Tom Waits
Last night I dreamed that I was dreaming of you
And from a window across the lawn I watched you undress
Wearing your sunset of purple tightly woven around your hair
That rose in strangled ebony curls
Moving in a yellow bedroom light
The air is wet with sound
The faraway yelping of a wounded dog
And the ground is drinking a slow faucet leak
Your house is so soft and fading as it soaks the black summer heat
A light goes on and the door opens
And a yellow cat runs out on the stream of hall light and into the yard
A wooden cherry scent is faintly breathing the air
I hear your champagne laugh
You wear two lavender orchids
One in your hair and one on your hip
A string of yellow carnival lights comes on with the dusk
Circling the lake with a slowly dipping halo
And I hear a banjo tango
And you dance into the shadow of a black poplar tree
And I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
The other night I dreamt of my mum. I do;t knw where we were but she was sitting in an armchair and I was next to her but on the floor. I had my arm next to ehrs on the arm of the chair and I could feel her skin on my skin. I like the feel of my mum's soft skin. I said to her that I was all bloated up and couldn't bear it. She said " Iam too and everyone is here, look". I felt extreme angst at not being understood that whilst it was OK for everyone to be the same but I just am not used to it or liking it or wanting to get used to it. I shouted at my mum it's horrid and not OK. I woke up. I like meeting my mum in my dreams. I asked her to look after my cousin. It was a weird dream though. I never meet her in dreams, it;s always in a nowhere type place - nothing else happening, just really me with her. Usually I don't remember what we have spoken about.
It;s a while since I have met wth her. I am grateful for the opportunity. I miss her nonetheless and shed a tear for her.
Bliss
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