It feels a little strange writing this knowing someone I know might read it. It's always been fine that S read it in the past. Why is that different. She knows everything. I wrote it with knowledge that it's "out there" and yet it's also been a private place to download feelings and thoughts.
Anyhow I will put all concerns aside and continue to write ...
Pulling out of a tailspin yesterday was quite something. After a lifetime of crashing into despair and all the chaos that can bring, being safe and sound without having to depend on anyone but HP has been a very nice feeling. I would use words such as amazing and wonderful, words to really sound excitable by. But reality has been simply "ah I'm okay". And that seems right. It's as if that been there always and fits well. I think this is how it should be. I think this is what's been missing, the KNOWING.
Somehow I just didn't get shown how to console myself. And so feelings felt terrifying. Sometimes there was terror. My mum would even mock me for the ways I would sit in my bedroom and sob, watching myself in the mirror. She didn't know it was the way I detached from myself and gradually wouldn't hurt anymore. I do not blame or resent my mum and dad. They just did what they did to their best. My dad was "a bit fucked up!", that's all. And so now after all these years I've been learning how to take care of myself, not just cope but really to be able to assuage not suppress, comfort not detach. I really felt the presence of my HP as the tailspin quickly seemed to be out of control. I just saw the glimmer of God, a goldness amidst the dark and I reached out. And then there was no chaos, no outbreak of insane behaviours. Certainly a vulnerability but I was steady again.
Thank you God and with a beaming smile.
I am concerned that I've created a sense in others that I need looking after. Ironic really as it's what I spent a lifetime trying to find and of course constantly let down on because no one can and really it's not what I want. With it comes control and rebellion and dysfunction and eventual discord.
I am not precious and even though I have moments of true frailty, I am merely vulnerable and have a steady inner strength to draw from. It was an absolute realisation that I do NEED anyone but of course I need support. I don't know if the difference is made clear in the way I've put that but I know what I mean. It's just an all knowingness (I don't think that word actually exists but it's a sense thing) that actually everything is and will be okay. Gosh! My general sense of fear is lifting.
So much has altered in this past year. So much has altered in the past 2 and half years in FA. When I thought I worked a good programme FA has shown me there is still more to have and it's just better and better. Such gratitude within me is uplifting. Thank you God.
I have faltered on ACT in recent days. I have not put any action in. The block is putting together the content for the presentation on 25th Feb and with that slides. However, the logo is now done and ready. How flipping exciting.
My profile is uploaded onto the Counselling Directory and can be found in the Haslemere area. I am just awaiting confirmation of the room hire. JB has very kindly lent me some dough to pay for the insurance, the CRB check and start a mailing campaign. I need to make some liaisons with local GP surgeries and see if they would consider me for referrals. That needs time of which I have little. If I could secure this weekly evening talk that might prove fruitful, one never knows. Do I buy a projector with the money I've been lent? Or do I wait and see? Small problem really but a concern nonetheless.
In a way I should have kept a record of how things have unfolded. Along the way so many people have been a party to this becoming what it is.
I had been thinking more about the possibility when I had my Sunday night stay at Champney's with S of FA. And then meeting with L and chatting through some of the techniques I use in a therapy session, she was thrilled and enthralled and encouraged me to think about what I'd need to do to get this underway. All along there is a feeling of guilt about PD. Still though I talked about the idea with AK on our lovely day walking and taking photos. She also was enthralled about the way that I conduct my therapy. I think I do as good a job as I can with the tools that I have. I want to keep learning and improving as a therapist. I want only ever to do the very best for my clients. I was having moans about PD though and the way he is practising at present. I was using this as the reason to start up but really that's bullshit. It contributes to having the energy and enthusiasm, but it's not THE reason.
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So having felt encouraged by L and AK. So I enquired with S of FA about the contact she has at Champney's and in a moment of utter madness, I sent an email. He replied with enthusiasm about weekly presentation on the subject of food and exercise addiction. And then decided to invite me to make the presentation to him and some colleagues to see if it's suitable for their product. We negotiated an hourly rate and so a date was fixed. 25th Feb. Bloody hell the business existed. No name, no anything. In the meantime I had met DW on PoF. I had a discussion with him about this idea and he enthused more, encouraging me and offering to hep with a website and promotion etc. And so here I am with a name and logo all thanks to CT, brilliant artist. ACT Addiction Counselling and Therapy exists. MW had mentioned an emerald and flawed emeralds being the best. Emerald is my birthstone and suddenly resonated deeply with a connection to my mum. She gave me an emerald ring once. I have it but have never worn it. It has a flawed emerald in it. But the name just didn't sound right. But when Christine and I started working on the name and logo we both liked the idea of an art deco style, the name seemed to come with me fluffing around with words and then suddenly there is was "ACT" and the emerald is incorporated in style into the logo. It remains important even though a couple of people have said they don't like that bit.
And here we are. A bit stuck now!
Oh and then JB offered to lend me the money as I start to really have to put down some costs. Pay CT for her work despite her not wanting any money. She has none so I'm glad to find a way to contribute a little towards her big trip, even though it's a meagre amount. I need to purchase insurance although I've thought why bother when I don't have any clients. At least it's not urgent right at this moment. And I also need to get a CRB check underway. I don't know if I need to register the company or not?? And I need to ask some guidance from an accountant. Not followed through with that yet.
BUT I am a tad stuck. With a heap of study backlog to catch up on and a big essay to start ready for hand in next Tuesday.
From hereon it will be head down and back to using Cow Parsley and Honesty as a half hour to feel and then get back to it.
Which is what I'm going to do now.
Oh and I need a business plan by 7th march to enter the OU competition with cash prizes for new businesses. I need a USP beyond just addiction. I think that is the group work and workshops I want to incorporate into ACT.
Right back to it
Bliss
xx
Anyhow I will put all concerns aside and continue to write ...
Pulling out of a tailspin yesterday was quite something. After a lifetime of crashing into despair and all the chaos that can bring, being safe and sound without having to depend on anyone but HP has been a very nice feeling. I would use words such as amazing and wonderful, words to really sound excitable by. But reality has been simply "ah I'm okay". And that seems right. It's as if that been there always and fits well. I think this is how it should be. I think this is what's been missing, the KNOWING.
Somehow I just didn't get shown how to console myself. And so feelings felt terrifying. Sometimes there was terror. My mum would even mock me for the ways I would sit in my bedroom and sob, watching myself in the mirror. She didn't know it was the way I detached from myself and gradually wouldn't hurt anymore. I do not blame or resent my mum and dad. They just did what they did to their best. My dad was "a bit fucked up!", that's all. And so now after all these years I've been learning how to take care of myself, not just cope but really to be able to assuage not suppress, comfort not detach. I really felt the presence of my HP as the tailspin quickly seemed to be out of control. I just saw the glimmer of God, a goldness amidst the dark and I reached out. And then there was no chaos, no outbreak of insane behaviours. Certainly a vulnerability but I was steady again.
Thank you God and with a beaming smile.
I am concerned that I've created a sense in others that I need looking after. Ironic really as it's what I spent a lifetime trying to find and of course constantly let down on because no one can and really it's not what I want. With it comes control and rebellion and dysfunction and eventual discord.
I am not precious and even though I have moments of true frailty, I am merely vulnerable and have a steady inner strength to draw from. It was an absolute realisation that I do NEED anyone but of course I need support. I don't know if the difference is made clear in the way I've put that but I know what I mean. It's just an all knowingness (I don't think that word actually exists but it's a sense thing) that actually everything is and will be okay. Gosh! My general sense of fear is lifting.
So much has altered in this past year. So much has altered in the past 2 and half years in FA. When I thought I worked a good programme FA has shown me there is still more to have and it's just better and better. Such gratitude within me is uplifting. Thank you God.
I have faltered on ACT in recent days. I have not put any action in. The block is putting together the content for the presentation on 25th Feb and with that slides. However, the logo is now done and ready. How flipping exciting.
My profile is uploaded onto the Counselling Directory and can be found in the Haslemere area. I am just awaiting confirmation of the room hire. JB has very kindly lent me some dough to pay for the insurance, the CRB check and start a mailing campaign. I need to make some liaisons with local GP surgeries and see if they would consider me for referrals. That needs time of which I have little. If I could secure this weekly evening talk that might prove fruitful, one never knows. Do I buy a projector with the money I've been lent? Or do I wait and see? Small problem really but a concern nonetheless.
In a way I should have kept a record of how things have unfolded. Along the way so many people have been a party to this becoming what it is.
I had been thinking more about the possibility when I had my Sunday night stay at Champney's with S of FA. And then meeting with L and chatting through some of the techniques I use in a therapy session, she was thrilled and enthralled and encouraged me to think about what I'd need to do to get this underway. All along there is a feeling of guilt about PD. Still though I talked about the idea with AK on our lovely day walking and taking photos. She also was enthralled about the way that I conduct my therapy. I think I do as good a job as I can with the tools that I have. I want to keep learning and improving as a therapist. I want only ever to do the very best for my clients. I was having moans about PD though and the way he is practising at present. I was using this as the reason to start up but really that's bullshit. It contributes to having the energy and enthusiasm, but it's not THE reason.
So having felt encouraged by L and AK. So I enquired with S of FA about the contact she has at Champney's and in a moment of utter madness, I sent an email. He replied with enthusiasm about weekly presentation on the subject of food and exercise addiction. And then decided to invite me to make the presentation to him and some colleagues to see if it's suitable for their product. We negotiated an hourly rate and so a date was fixed. 25th Feb. Bloody hell the business existed. No name, no anything. In the meantime I had met DW on PoF. I had a discussion with him about this idea and he enthused more, encouraging me and offering to hep with a website and promotion etc. And so here I am with a name and logo all thanks to CT, brilliant artist. ACT Addiction Counselling and Therapy exists. MW had mentioned an emerald and flawed emeralds being the best. Emerald is my birthstone and suddenly resonated deeply with a connection to my mum. She gave me an emerald ring once. I have it but have never worn it. It has a flawed emerald in it. But the name just didn't sound right. But when Christine and I started working on the name and logo we both liked the idea of an art deco style, the name seemed to come with me fluffing around with words and then suddenly there is was "ACT" and the emerald is incorporated in style into the logo. It remains important even though a couple of people have said they don't like that bit.
And here we are. A bit stuck now!
Oh and then JB offered to lend me the money as I start to really have to put down some costs. Pay CT for her work despite her not wanting any money. She has none so I'm glad to find a way to contribute a little towards her big trip, even though it's a meagre amount. I need to purchase insurance although I've thought why bother when I don't have any clients. At least it's not urgent right at this moment. And I also need to get a CRB check underway. I don't know if I need to register the company or not?? And I need to ask some guidance from an accountant. Not followed through with that yet.
BUT I am a tad stuck. With a heap of study backlog to catch up on and a big essay to start ready for hand in next Tuesday.
From hereon it will be head down and back to using Cow Parsley and Honesty as a half hour to feel and then get back to it.
Which is what I'm going to do now.
Oh and I need a business plan by 7th march to enter the OU competition with cash prizes for new businesses. I need a USP beyond just addiction. I think that is the group work and workshops I want to incorporate into ACT.
Right back to it
Bliss
xx
