I've been pondering the fine line between rigidity and chaos or a lack of boundaries. These thoughts relate to my latest difficulty, i.e. the situation at work. As SH, my colleague, pointed out from the start, LK has no boundaries. She has no boundaries around anything it seems. Offering to lend us and then giving us £20 each for Easter seems to be without boundaries. Even so there is the act of kindness in the offer itself. or is it? Or is there another motive? Am I being suspicious and ungracious in taking the offer on face value. Is that another fine line? Then there are the ever changing decisions. She will make a decision about a clients destiny with us and then afterwards discuss it often changing her mind without there being any clear boundaries or reasoning. Then there is the dashing about in reaction. Yes she's very reactionary. And conversations with us about her personal life, without first making any assessment of the situation. For example, I might be beavering away at something , work orientated I mean, and LK would rather chat about something. Then when I'm leaving at the normal time, well this happened on Friday at least, she seemed huffy. I just went anyway, thinking to myself that if she had just got on with her work during the day instead of being so easily distracted all over the place, then she would be leaving on time too. PD never worked late and all the work was done. A lack of discipline, which is boundaries isn't it?
It's a funny thing this concept for boundaries. I used to balk at rules and regulations, often rebelling and yet with some rules , sticking absolutely rigidly to them. Boundaries create safety. There is certainty. I can't quite put my finger on something as an example. But I can absolutely see the importance of parents for example agreeing on the boundaries for the family. The children then know the boundaries and so long as there is consistency they will learn security and certainty. Of course children will push to test the boundaries, seeing how safe they actually are. Whether in Freudian ID and Ego, they can push the boundaries for what seems like self gain. The funny thing is that by pushing the boundaries, by manipulation or sheer dogmatism or even violence or some other way of pushing through, the child then starts to learn uncertainty which brings fear. If they can be that powerful then they are also in charge. To being with this can seem appealing. Bearing in mind that this is mainly at an unconscious level. So the child takes the power but them also becomes the one in charge. That can be fine and fun when it is a first bursting through, but a child doesn't have resources and experience to deal with every situation. That's when parents need to be there to help deal with life issues and help the child negotiate through difficulties. But if the child is "out there", there will have no certainty that the parents will contain them and have to start dealing with issues but with childlike points of view. It becomes all too frightening. The child might return to the nest as so to speak but without the faith that the parent can truly protect them, which might simply be guidance. The parent has already shown that they are not capable of keeping things contained.
I repeat that all of this dynamics are unconscious and this is just one play out as an example.
A child needs to learn that it isn't the Superego. The child needs to have room enough to experiment within the confines of certainty. This of course is not control though.
Now there is the fine line I suppose. When does this certainty need to be flexible. It doesn't need to be flexible for the sake of appearances with other people. I am specifically thinking of for example setting table manners. The parent may have strict rules for behaviour at the table at home and to maintain these has to constantly be reinforcing the rules. I was thinking for example of my friend removing her daughters plate if she got down from the table. The little girl was constantly distracted from her meal and so not eating properly. Now to begin with the parents kept allowing her to get down, play and then return to the table. There is good reason I am thinking for this not being OK. However when we went out to a restaurant because the constant telling off didn't feel comfortable in public, the boundary altered. I didn't actually think this was a good version of flexibility because it was motivated by worry about what strangers might think. So what would be good flexibility. I think an example might be the little girl requesting to go to the toilet on a first occasion. Allowing that with discussion. And then ensuring for future meals that a parent takes her to the toilet before each meal so that any request to go to the toilet is only a way of pushing the boundaries but also creating the disciplines for onward life.
These are mild examples I think but examples nonetheless of developing structure and disciplines without being controlling.
Why are humans in need of boundaries though? Otherwise I suppose it's anarchy. And I see what that brings in my work place right now. None of us really know whether we a re coming or going. o boundaries are important in the community. We all know then we are working together and the part each of our individuality's can come together without having to be just one person. I wonder what the lack of boundaries does to raise fear. It creates uncertainty and with uncertainty comes fear.
This is a psychologically interesting question. Uncertainty evokes fear and fear means there's no faith. So is faith to do with certainty. People say I know it will be OK as if reassuring oneself. The funny thing is that despite everything over the years things have turned out OK. There have been grave difficulties along the way which I suppose contribute to my fear. For example this situation at work creates uncertainty and fear in me to the point where I agonise and agonise. That agonising and analysis turns into wanting to run, wanting to run feels me with a sense of the lack of self ability and control. Which can become depression and depression can become suicidal for me. Not to mention the horrible feelings and thoughts that come with depression. It's bleak and painful being in depression. So I am scared of this too when I'm thrown into this situation with LK and no boundaries.
As B said, change throws people into trauma. When introducing newness into a company structure, a large unnamed company actually bring a counsellor into the fold to help with the management of change. Sadly we don't have a manager that is capable of managing the change that is occurring. So here we are, little people, whose rights have been removed by a scared person who has to control, we have no adult voice. There is no room for open discussion and opinions to be shared and negotiated. It has to be this way or no way. It feels miserable and throttling to be like this. But any discussion that is attempted is taken to be threatening and personal. Wow! What lessons I can learn. This is the outward looking picture.
But what about me and how I am with this lack of boundaries but instead rigidity of rules. Now there's the thing. Injustice? It was similar with my dad. He had no boundaries yet imposed rigid rules. I would rebel secretly against the rules. And that's what I'm doing now. I have no respect you see. So I'm doing what's told to me to keep myself as safe as possible but inside I have utter contempt. How can I learn to be flexible with the situation. I recognise the lack of boundaries and the replacement with control. I guess the start of going with the flow is seeing this. Now God please help me to be OK with this internally.
It helps not to be getting into the nasty gossip. I'm not fuelling the negativity within me. That will make more and more space to see the bigger picture. I want to practise listening and asking people what they are going to do about it. For example saying "will you raise this with someone?" or "would you like to do something about it?"
As my sponsor repeated from something said to her - be the change I want to see. This brought to mind the St Francis of Assisi prayer:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.Where there is injury, pardon.Where there is doubt, faith.Where there is despair, hope.Where there is darkness, light.Where there is sadness, joy.
- O Divine Master,
- grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
- to be understood, as to understand;
- to be loved, as to love.
- For it is in giving that we receive.
- It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
- and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
- Amen.
So God please help me to bring this into my daily workings. I think with this you can show me how to be flexible around someone else rather than critical of them getting it wrong. It doesn't mean I have to drop my boundaries. In fact just the opposite, I need to ensure my boundaries are in tact. I have values and they will be bound to disagree with others' boundaries. But I can be gently assertive without causing friction when my boundaries meet someone else's rules. I see how boundaries contribute to a stronger sense of self whereas rules and rigidity can be a manifestation of fear. I wonder what LK is so afraid of. I relate to it. In my fear I can become so controlling. And it's not nice to be on the receiving end of at all. It's not nice being in it either. But having boundaries which are the manifestation of values and principles and self esteem, they actually contribute to a growing sense of worth. I am worthwhile enough to ensure I leave on time. So long a I've got all my work completed then I have that right. If I an't get my work completed because of someone else, the I will ensure I take the time back. If it's because I've been messing around then I am not owed anything and in fact I have owed. Following these principles will surely stand me in good stead to feel OK and decent about myself. Then I can let go of the irritation I feel when LK doesn't work to similar ethics. That's her business not mine. I trust that if it is actually a real issue then it will come to the surface for all to see. If it's not a big deal then it can continue without a problem for others. And I mean this about everything. If on a bigger scale there is something unhealthy and wrong about it all, it will start to show through the big picture and then thins will change. Whether it changes in the way I want it to is another question all together. What I'd like is for me to be right and everyone see it the way I do and then change it the way I think it should be changed.
But for example rather than change things back, it might be that we just don't get enough clients in the way we've had them and so ATP is disbanded. It's a possibility. Or the whole format of the progamme will alter to accommodate a different style of keeping clients. Those relationships we've developed with consultants will merely fade and they will find another outlet to work with even if it's not us. I actually don't like being a part of that disintegrating reputation. I'd like to talk with Dr F actually but it's none of my business. What I'm trying or hoping I could do is protect my reputation. God if there is meant to be a way of talking with her or any of the other consultants then I'm certain you will present that opportunity. I feel that Dr B is of a similar ilk, very low in self worth and so he's going along with a different style. Well it will change of that I'm certain. There is nothing I can do to fight such a force. So rather than fight please God show me ow to let go of my need to control and instead go with the flow. At the same time help me to trust that I will be OK.
So my thoughts about fine lines with boundaries and rigid rules - have I really come to any conclusions. Yes I thnk there are some ideas formed and thankfully no absolute certain answer which means there's room for flexibility and space to add more knowledge.
By George, I think I get it.
Bliss
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