Shame

A very good film. Why? It gave the desperate account without glamorising sex addiction. It provided enough information to use my brain and fill in the gaps. The director used for me good cinematography. No fast editing apart from in the frenzy of sex. It gave an effect of being in and out of sexual blackout. The still camera and long sots gave a sense of the despair, of nothing left to give within this man. A functioning, icy, isolated man. There was a lack of colour really adding to this atmodshpere of gloom amidst what othrs would find amusing and would appear glitzy and desirable. And there was no solution. It left the man in his despair. Locked in his cycle of addiction not knowing how to get out.
If only I could have informed him about SLAA and SA. There is a way out. There is a better life to be had. There is intimacy beyond sex to be discovered.
Michael Fassbender does not seem to have another way to act. So in fact this part suited that about him. He is good looking but far too thin to be attractive. How odd it is that I should see beyond his face. I thought he was good looking in Prometheus but again was very wooden in is acting. It could just about pas as he was after all playing the part of David the Robot. Maybe in another role he would have a chance t show something more of him. BUt I think even in Inglourious Basterds his role was similar. Apparently he's in A Dangerous Method. I wonder how good he was at playing Jung?

I would give Shame a 4.5/5 - worth seeing according to me. Who said they didn't like it? I can't remember who it was - oh SH at work I think. I'll have a chat with her now I've seen it. Funnily enough I though the director Steve McQueen used shots that could have been influenced by Tarkovsy. And SH likes his films very much. I liked the angles he used and the abstract out of objects. Long shots and still cameras seem to work well for me.

Empire says ...New York professional Brandon (Fassbender) thinks he is a normal guy with a robust sexual appetite. But the unexpected arrival of his damaged sister Sissy (Mulligan) forces him to realise that he might have a problem...
A film about sex addiction from the team that made the IRA strike drama Hunger was never likely to be a frothy, titillating romp, and the film Steve McQueen has made — co-written with playwright Abi Morgan — is every bit as intellectually austere as one might imagine. It is also recognisably from the same well; though it is set in the modern day, takes place in the US and is seemingly not in the least bit political, it is a film about free will and the age-old battle between body and soul. In Hunger, Bobby Sands’ soul won that battle, but Brandon in Shame is not so fortunate: he thinks he’s a hedonist when in fact he’s a slave, both to his body and its desperate, physical need for contact.

The film even begins as a horror film might, with an ominous orchestral score and Brandon on the subway, making eye contact with the woman opposite. First he smiles, and she smiles back, but his gaze never drops and she becomes nervous. Flirtation becomes pursuit, with Brandon’s eyes narrowing, the smile losing its good humour, the body language turning predatory as the woman, now flustered, leaves, trying to lose him in the crowd. She does, and the whole film is here in microcosm: when he realises he’s lost her, Brandon’s bravado melts into child-like disappointment. What will he do now? From the start, the mask is slipping.

For a character study of such depth and intimacy, it helps to have a leading man who can rise to the challenge, and fortunately Shame’s intellectual rigours are leavened by a tour de force performance by the mighty Michael Fassbender. He gives Brandon depth and humanity; this is not, strictly speaking, a simple male-ego-in-crisis movie, even though it does play as a slightly more complex reworking of Alfie. Played by Fassbender, Brandon is a regular guy, albeit someone who keeps his mental wounds hidden from the world and maintains an admirable regime of denial.

That we can understand and believe in Brandon as a man on the verge of unravelling comes down to another remarkable performance, by Carey Mulligan as Sissy. It’s too small a role for her by far, but she works wonders with what she has. Seeing Sissy — theatrical, flaky, self-harming and self-
sabotaging — sets Brandon’s mind reeling. Are they the same? Deep down, he decides, they are, which is a realisation that is key to the eye-popping last act. It is not, however, a film without humour and warmth, provided respectively and in equal measure by James Badge Dale as Brandon’s boss and Nicole Beharie as his secretary, and it is these supporting players that give Shame its potency. The film lurches fatally into melodrama in its closing minutes, but although it adds a grim, moralistic aftertaste, it isn’t enough to derail an unflinching, moving study of 21st-century loneliness.

Verdict
Brave, beautifully acted and emotionally revealing — an early strong contender for the most provocative and compelling film of the year.


Reviewed by Damon Wise

Bliss

XX

Fellowship not food

It's remarkable how this fellowship works. Here I am typing away and wondering then S phones. She is so positive and upbeat. She shared with me how tired and grumpy she is this morning after having done her 12 hour night shift. But then her realistic gratitude. By doing this shift once a week it enables her to follow her dreams. She has the rest of the week to do the work she loves. That sounds fantastic. I must must must send the email off today to KB sating what I would like. I would like to work 33 hours a week for the same salary I'm on now at 37.5 hours. I would also like £50 per week for petrol costs which works out to be an additional £2600. This would mean that I would have Friday's off and thereby create study time and reduce costs as well as travelling time. I would also like that they continue to honour the 12 study days equating to one per month. I could take this then on Mondays and have long weekends creating study time for assignments. Would it be appropriate do you think to ask about training in family therapy. It would enhance their service delivery and improve my own skills so a win win situation.
Anyway S has recently taken on a sponsee and she asked if she could give my pone number because I have such a positive attitude when this person seems to be already kicking against the suggestions. She called. What a wonderful call, reminding me of me and sharing openly with me. She talked about wanting a particular food type and then I was able to share with her how when I wanted something specific someone had asked what I would get from that food. She said it would take the edge of things and make everything smoother. She then went onto explain her recent situation concerning work. I hear from her worry I think about work and finances. Especially as she later asked about something she had heard in a reading during the meeting. As she went on I guessed it was the Promises and read the passage with the promises from the AA Big Book. We then discussed the part were it says "Fear of people and financial insecurity will leave us". She asked me what I thought about this. I'll come back to this point because it was really lovely to hear how she found the question about what it is she is wanting from milk in her coffee and she identified taking away the edge and making things smoother. She went on herself to talk about ways in which she could do that without the milk. I was amazed when I was asked the same thing and then found the ways I could get comfort and cosiness and another time variety.
I had been wanting soup. Homemade all cosy and warming soup. It was dark and wintry as I drove home and no doubt it had been another difficult day in the office with my insecurity being once again heightened and tapped into. When I was asked what I wanted from soup I wanted to feel all cosy and safe. Instead of having soup as a result of this conversation or feeling hard done by because I couldn't have soup, I was able to wrap myself up in blankets, curl up in the settee with my hot water bottle and watch banal things on TV. I am so harsh on  myself I won't have a TV so that I cannot escape with banal. Then again by the snobbish I can display about such things it's probably a good idea. After all if it's mind dumbing and gossipy it's really not my cuppa or is it that I just don't want to engage in that sort of thing. Who knows? Anyway I found a way of not seeking what I wanted through food.
Another time I was thinking I wanted a variety of flavours and tastes. This food plan is very much about simplifying foods and minimising variety. This I found so interesting after studying an experiment, albeit using rats. but where variety actually played a part in food addiction. I must read that more thoroughly.
Oooh it's nearly AWOL time - 12:00, midday. I missed it last week even though I'm not getting the almighty and blinding light and enlightenment I think I've been expecting. I said I wasn't expecting much but I realise now that I am. When asked those sort of questions I'm never really sure and then it wouldn't occur to me to say that I'm expecting something big and flashy and wondrous. I will share about that some time with someone. Not the expectation itself but the fact that it wouldn't occur to me to say that. of course as soon as I acknowledge it I know that I need to step away from expectation, positive or negative and accept things as they are. You see this is the enlightenment I'm getting by keeping my food clean. It's simple realisations. I have a feeling with it. Moving to the feeling of this it's as if these ways of being are so light, they are mere scatterings of wispy, fluffy clouds. Just a hint of a cloud so small and diaphanous that it's barely noticeable. It barely moves and has no weight. There's a stillness, held in motionless suspension, just out of reach and even when it's grabbed up it seems to disperse and flitter out into smaller pieces and almost invisibly reconvene. These are the wispy things that actually can be motivators for more obvious sensitivities and issues.
Anyway back to E. So it was wonderful to hear her challenging her wants so early on in recovery. Just one day. Woweeeee! And I loved hearing about her very supportive boyfriend. He takes her out for meals and that of course is an issue anyway. Now they will be meeting without going out for meals and introduce a whole different way of being intimate. I think I said I'm not suggesting that's the only way you have been intimate as I didn't want to cause animosity so early on. It was a real delight talking to her. That is a step in going to any lengths - calling out.
Then the promises. How wonderful she asked and I guessed to what she was referring. And sharing my experience was really helpful to me. The fact that I reminded myself that for today I have enough and I am enough. I have fears for the future but bringing it back to this moment I am OK and trust that it will be OK in the future too. It has been thus far and things come out of nowhere.
Thank you God for taking care of me in ways I would never think of. Thank you God for helping to maintain my abstinence and not rely solely on myself. Thank you God for helping me to share my shame about my financial circumstances and be reminded that I have more than I need and the rest is simply desires. If I'm meant to have them they will come. I say that in hope that by not being demanding they will happen - like a loving, wealthy, content, spiritual, lovable, likable, boyfriend. This are not the limits of my wants God. Just in case you are working on this man for me. I am ashamed about the whole escapade two years ago. JH was a part of it but the shame is me and my part in it. I feel sad too for the me that wants and wanted to be that person. It is not so loving and yet I could dress it up as that. The denial is still there as I'm even questioning exactly what is wrong with the wanting to be enslaved as a way of being able to love and be loved. That's so not loving towards me. God would not want this for me surely. I wonder if JH would want it for his daughter? No. I'm pretty certain he would not. Or indeed for his son? Then why would I want it for me? I would not want that for my little God daughter or my bigger God daughter. I want for them to be in truly equal and loving relationships that are supportive and fun and close and intimate.
So I am a little jealous of others who are in loving relationships. It is just not my course I guess. I am getting to be comfortable with my own time. It's restful and I can bring into my life as much or as little and in my own time frame as I want and need. That is a luxury. I'm not afraid of being late for anyone or needing to share my time. I'm free.

I talked to E about the lifestyle I had and lost and my shame about my lowly income and my social housing compared with being the Business analyst and jet-setting and partying etc. She asked if it was a better life then. Well I had more things if I wanted them but to be truthful I was irresponsible and really was losing everything way back then in exchange for the partying etc. And now this is more stable, less drama. It's a more spiritual path. If I could have everything I would take it. But it seems it's not possible. I cannot eat cake and stay sane.

So writing my book that would be a helpful resource for someone else .... here it is and free for anyone to read. It's not chronological as in a way to do this perfectly but it is real experience. I will write more about the food as I thin this is crucially important.
I am soon to leave for the AWOL but very quickly ...
A couple of times I have written wrong amounts in my daily food plan. For example this morning I wrote 8oz of salad instead of 6 and 8oz rice instead of 4. My sponsor thankfully picked this out and suggested that I ask God to help me be more conscious as I am writing my food plan. It's tending to become more of a technique that a real engagement with that I will be eating for the day. This has started happening in the past few weeks. To begin with I just thought it absent-mindedness. But that absent-mindedness is really significant. I was absent-minded when I weighed out too much cheese and then chose to guess the appearance of about the right weight rather than re-weighing it. This is not consciousness of preparation in a similar way of the writing down.
What is this God? Please help me to stay vigilant and engaged.

OK AWOL call time. I'm tired so will need to really concentrate. I may nap afterwards. Well after lunch.

Bliss
XX

Prometheus

uh uhhhhh
I didn't think the film or rather this story was at all strong. And the poetic licence would have to be too much to really think this was good film. There were lots of flaws and to be honest who really cared about the majority of the characters.
Interestingly Prometheus was a Greek culture hero. He stole fire from the gos and gave it to man. He was also the one who constructed man out of clay. So of course a fitting name for the ship, carrying a bunch of misfits as space crew believing that they would discover something marvellous about the predecessors to humans.








The prequel to Alien, this story was just not strong. Some of the acting was good. Some of the events in the film were just too ridiculous. And to be honest I really didn't give  a damn who was killed ff. Only a very few of them were killed.
It seems to be that the so called forefathers bred humans to enable the alien to lay it's eggs within us. Nothing very deep was pursued at all. In fact it was all so flipping surface.

Cast:
Noomi Rapace

Michael Fassbender


Idris Elba


Guy Pearce



Logan Marshall-Green



Charlize Theron



Director Ridley Scot



So this is the prequel to Alien. Somehow it strikes me the prequels are ways of keeping something alive that has run out of development story. And this prequel doesn't seem to quite fit with the original Alien. I noticed references to certain things like the pre-humanoid getting into the big chair with the telescopic type equipment. When the space ship crashes do we assume that is was Shaw later finds. But in Alien there is no apparent knowledge from thee now supposed previous events. Shaw was the part played by Sigourney Weaver wasn't it? The storms were the same I suppose. Somehow it doesn't seem flowing to me but then again it was a long time ago I saw Alien. I watched at the Empire on Leicester Square. Wow I still remember the opening scenes of the enormous space ship passing over the screen. It was something that resonated from times of travelling along in the back of a car as a child looking up at the stars in the night sky and hearing the silence of space and slowness of time. Now I rally did think Alien was a good story and film. Number two and three were poor though for me. I didn't bother so much with those. Alien has stuck in my memory as a goodun'.
There was the flakiness of Weyland (Guy Pearce). His make up was so terribly fake and in this day an age when ageing someone is an easy process apparently. And the crashing of the spaceship was simply ridiculous. There was no real suspense.
So these pods were developed for warfare. War machines that are created. The question as to why the humanoids turned against the humans they created on Earth seems obvious to me - they wanted to create people to be fodder for the queens eggs. But it was left open. And then a token gesture which seemed insulting asking questions like the meaning of life and the creators. Yuch! Or is it meant t be superficial?
I thought the acting was OK. The Scottish lady was awful but had a small part really. The main characters acted well but I don't think they had a strong story or good script to be working with to be honest.
Oh yes and the whole impregnation thing. Was there reference to this before? And when Sigourney Weaver is becoming Alien-sided and pregnant is there any link with this pregnancy that now appears in the prequel. Am I too much of a purist and not allowing for poetic licence. To be feasible should it matter? After all it's only a film. But then to be taken seriously does the film maker not need to respect us? I think so. I think it's made as a money-spinner and not for the creative wonder. 3D is the experiment really and less about the credibility of the story. That's my view anyway. So a real downer on this for those reasons. For the acting and the camera work - very good. Not Oscar because I think it's all be done now. Hasn't it?
In my books this rates a lowly 2.5 at best.
The 3D was fabulous though. My first 3 D film since approximately 1996 maybe? I was in Universal Studios Floria. I watched Honey I shrank the Audience. It was amusing. The extra effects were with the moving chairs and things running over my feet etc oh and water vapours on my face. Yes it was an all round experience sitting there in my cardboard red and green glasses. Now they are sophisticated black rimmed glasses. Maybe they are shades of green and red but there is only a slight colouring to them. The screen effect is quite wonderful. And now there are gaming devices or did I imagine it that mean you don't need to wear the glasses. Surely not?
Anyhow I'm pleased to have experienced the whole 3D imagery. I would make the effort again in the future. It's so much more expensive. Cinema is expensive. It wasn't full but busy enough. And they are advertising piracy still but in a different less threatening way. After all the threats couldn't be carried out on the scale piracy is occurring.

Food wise? I was aware of the sweet and popcorn buying process. It's the fist time I've been to the cinema since being in FA. I thought about it beforehand, how going to the cinema was really about getting sweeties. Actually at one time with SH I was wanting to go more often than the occasional visit, mainly because it was permission to buy loads of sweets and much through them. SH didn't question it and I could just munch my way through the lot and there was something covetous about being able to bring them home and eat them all to myself later on. Even as I write this there is something about the difference types of chocolaty things I would buy. Sugar, sugar, sugar. I would also obsess if he was holding onto the bag or seemed to be taking too many. I was distracted from the film! And the same with friends, if they were jigging around in the bag I would become impatient and wanting my share. Greedy!
So I was glad to have eaten beforehand and know that this is not my food Thank you God.
Eating yesterday was slightly awry. Having visited SS in her home yesterday morning  then went to Lidl's veggie shopping. This meant I got home approaching 2pm and then had to prepare my lunch. It was way way too late. I should have prepared my lunch before I left home and also times my chatting with SS to a tighter limit. It was pleasant sitting with her she is lovely. I am so sad that she has developed MS. I cannot understand this seeming injustice of bad things happening to good people. But then everyone is good deep down so why does bad happen at all. Is it bad? It's bad yes because it inhibits a lifestyle and causes pain. SS is so gracious in her situation. She is smiling. She is hopeful. She seemed thoughtful at times. She is forgetful. This scares me as I'm very forgetful, with words and situations and trains of thought. This is a symptom of so many conditions but more and more I realise that diagnoses are really theories and guess work. It is theorised because a number of symptoms seem to be common. SS has lesions in her brain in the cerebellum area. Cerebellum is linked with motion and that would explain why her hand movement is impaired. The lesion are linked I presume with the myelin being affected. And the myelin affects the action potentials. It was CS who reminded me that it was myelin that is the big physical issue with MS and fro there I started to remember snippets from my biological psychology course. Fascinating but not for SS. She is suffering at times she said. Please God help relieve her from the suffering and just help and guide her through this. Help me to be of good support in what ever way I can.

SS suggested I write a book about my experiences with food. Well here is my blog and sometimes I am writing about the specifics with food. The funny thing is that I realise I sort of take it for granted. The food plan and so on are fixed and that's that. Although the odd cravings occur. I am feeling hungry between meals right now and wanting more food. I think as soon as I start talking that dies down again. I had two satumas this morning whereby I have been opting for one. However it is suggested to have two rather than one. Any small fruit should be two. I've justified having one and now I'm justifying having two. I need to check this out with my sponsor as by trying to do it myself I am really not sure anymore which is right. I wanted to keep it to one to keep weight reduction occurring and this s  ot healthy thinking. I cannot afford to mess even slightly with any single element of this. Why? Why be so rigid you may ask? Well if I wonder off what is prescribed as abstinence then I start to take control and then I can swing quickly into being out of control. Handing it over to my sponsor means that I am totally trusting and do not have to stay in the wondering, the control and the obsession. Get it out of me, like ridding me of the alien inside.