I HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My heart is broken into a million pieces.
My love and I have parted ways. I hurt like I am going to explode. I miss him already.
He left this morning. I can't stop crying with such horrible horrible pain of loss.
Weeks of working through deceit and secrecy - on and on trudging through it - my anger. Reluctance to give up working through this. Real life cuddles and warmth. Further introductions into my life. Giving everything, Holding back and wary, Prying painfully trying to believe and trust.
Finally some openness and potential for change and the realisation that we could not continue.
FUCK Universe. What the hell is going on???
Months during which I have sensed the deceit and then when probing discovering various untruths. He didn't like me using the word lies. It seemed to me that JH was so full of shame that when hearing lies he heard liar as if doomed to be forever a liar. His mother once told him once a thief always a thief. I see the point that having thieved something there was not going back on having taken that action it could not be taken away. But this is so shaming and I don;t know if his mother also helped him to learn how to correct his misdemeanour. And it certainly seems familiar that he has taken that into his heart hearing he is a bad bad person. So when I talk about lies - well it looked like shame which became anger which all of course helps to keep up the complete and utter denial of anything that would expose him as bad. Oh how I know this painful trap of self deprecation. Owning bad behaviour sets me a little bit freer each time I face denial in the face. One more step away from the murky underworld. Thank goodness for recovery. Free. World widely available.
Ew yuch! I just felt the pain again. We have spoken this evening. And realising that I need to let go. Negotiating whether we speak in a little while soon or have a couple of months with no contact. And there is the risk for me that there will be no getting back together. He will be meeting plenty of women in CoDA!! Should not write that in case he reads this but at the same time, it's reality! Women are everywhere.
So months of sensing things were not always legitimate. Asking and hearing plausibility then believing and then being hurt again.
When I discovered ES was going to be visiting and how very very gradually the details of her stay were becoming clearer. JH said that the relationship was over before then. But I wonder what their time together actually consisted of. I write this to remind me not to punish. I am hurting so much it's good to know what we came through.
So there was one particular time I recall but generally the whole visit never did seem to me to be as JH as had lead me to believe. I have wondered what they really did and how they were together at that time. I remember JH saying he was going to one place with another friend. It transpired this was not at all true and it became evident that JH was spending a lot of his time with ES. Wow that was hurtful but I chose to believe him. Oh gosh without going into detail, Eva was a frequent source of concern. Photos, regularity of contact etc etc. But I came to terms and only this weekend learnt that she knew very little about JH's relationship with me. ES's response to his email to her, explaining a little more of his behaviour in reality indicated that she knew very lttle. But she had also been instinctually aware of his deception thgough interactiosn with other women. Men will never ever comprehend the instinct of a woman. But they cleverly redirect that as being insecurity. Well insecurity exists where there are things to be curious and insecure about.
I need sleep. I have not slept well for several days now.
God I miss JH. I let him further into my heart than anyone has been before. The hole left is deep. I am trying to ensure I don't let the murkiness in.
I have more to write
Bliss
XX
You are among friends, Bliss.
Everyone, always, everywhere.
Life is good,
The Universe
My heart is broken into a million pieces.
My love and I have parted ways. I hurt like I am going to explode. I miss him already.
He left this morning. I can't stop crying with such horrible horrible pain of loss.
Weeks of working through deceit and secrecy - on and on trudging through it - my anger. Reluctance to give up working through this. Real life cuddles and warmth. Further introductions into my life. Giving everything, Holding back and wary, Prying painfully trying to believe and trust.
Finally some openness and potential for change and the realisation that we could not continue.
FUCK Universe. What the hell is going on???
Months during which I have sensed the deceit and then when probing discovering various untruths. He didn't like me using the word lies. It seemed to me that JH was so full of shame that when hearing lies he heard liar as if doomed to be forever a liar. His mother once told him once a thief always a thief. I see the point that having thieved something there was not going back on having taken that action it could not be taken away. But this is so shaming and I don;t know if his mother also helped him to learn how to correct his misdemeanour. And it certainly seems familiar that he has taken that into his heart hearing he is a bad bad person. So when I talk about lies - well it looked like shame which became anger which all of course helps to keep up the complete and utter denial of anything that would expose him as bad. Oh how I know this painful trap of self deprecation. Owning bad behaviour sets me a little bit freer each time I face denial in the face. One more step away from the murky underworld. Thank goodness for recovery. Free. World widely available.
Ew yuch! I just felt the pain again. We have spoken this evening. And realising that I need to let go. Negotiating whether we speak in a little while soon or have a couple of months with no contact. And there is the risk for me that there will be no getting back together. He will be meeting plenty of women in CoDA!! Should not write that in case he reads this but at the same time, it's reality! Women are everywhere.
So months of sensing things were not always legitimate. Asking and hearing plausibility then believing and then being hurt again.
When I discovered ES was going to be visiting and how very very gradually the details of her stay were becoming clearer. JH said that the relationship was over before then. But I wonder what their time together actually consisted of. I write this to remind me not to punish. I am hurting so much it's good to know what we came through.
So there was one particular time I recall but generally the whole visit never did seem to me to be as JH as had lead me to believe. I have wondered what they really did and how they were together at that time. I remember JH saying he was going to one place with another friend. It transpired this was not at all true and it became evident that JH was spending a lot of his time with ES. Wow that was hurtful but I chose to believe him. Oh gosh without going into detail, Eva was a frequent source of concern. Photos, regularity of contact etc etc. But I came to terms and only this weekend learnt that she knew very little about JH's relationship with me. ES's response to his email to her, explaining a little more of his behaviour in reality indicated that she knew very lttle. But she had also been instinctually aware of his deception thgough interactiosn with other women. Men will never ever comprehend the instinct of a woman. But they cleverly redirect that as being insecurity. Well insecurity exists where there are things to be curious and insecure about.
I need sleep. I have not slept well for several days now.
God I miss JH. I let him further into my heart than anyone has been before. The hole left is deep. I am trying to ensure I don't let the murkiness in.
I have more to write
Bliss
XX
You are among friends, Bliss.
Everyone, always, everywhere.
Life is good,
The Universe
