Judging yourself for what you haven't yet accomplished, Bliss, is like finding fault with a lion because it can't fly, a bird because it can't swim, or tree because it can't leave...
With regard to the above remark from The Universe (tut.com) I agree. But there is also investing in one's potential. I have stopped investing in G's potential. I really haveloved the person he is. But there are behaviours and attitudes that I really don't like. His moodiness, his lack of desire to socialise, his judgements of others so harshly, his anger, his viciousness. Yet I have understanding of the origins of his pain and lack of trust from what he's told me. I feel so dreafully sad for the awful start he had in life. When I looked at the photos of him as a little boy my heart hurt. I can't imagine how the experiences have really left him. Uncertain and untrusting. I can relate from my own turmoil.
When does one stop accepting and take into consideration ones own needs. I am confused about this at the moment. With everything else that's going on I cannot deal with it. G has sent some light hearted texts and I have replied light-heartedly too. I do not want him back in my life and yet I miss the nicer parts of him incredibly. I have given of myself to him like uniquely. He has no idea just how much I have given of myself to him. And yet he thinks differently.
I do not judge him for what has not been accomplished because they are my measures. He may feel perfectly accomplished. He is bright and intelligent. He is interesting. He is quick-witted. He is lovely. I like and love G so much. But ...
And I cannot forgive him for saying that there were grey areas in connection with my dad. And at this time when I am learning more and more SHIT about the disgusting man. I feel sick and repulsed by him. And then G says something like that.
How could he? But then of course he doesn't know what it's like to be me so that's probably how.
Visiting the F's has revealed that there was suspicions within their family. Our family was being talked about. They felt that I didn't get everything they though I should, not enough care. Apparently my mum was challenged about not caring for me enough; by her boss PF and also by the F family. R apparently suspected sexual abuse. She was right. J told me about female friends of theirs that talked of my dads sexual propositions towards them. Those were the ones that said no.
The weird thing is that I didn't believe myself and yet this information I'vve been receiving cares what I think I was making up. Shit it's all so flipping weird. And I'm so angry with my mum and yet struggling to be angry as it feels so wrong. She MUST have known something, she certainly must have known about his infidelity and his nastiess towards me. How could she have sat there saying she didn't understand why things were always so bad between my dad and I.
I admit fully that I brough problems to their door but I was fucked up by him years and years before that.
My mum once allowed me to persuade at age 3 years old to stay in the playground with some boys. They spun me around on the roundabout and I fell off. I can remember lying on the tarmac and seeing my mum standig over me eventually. I am probably muddled but also remember it. I had to light the fire and put the dinner on and things when I got home from school. I was alone from a very yong age doing these things. I certainly was alone from age 7 yrs old.
It was all fucked up! And I thought I was making a mountain out of a mole-hill.
I feel like my world has gone. What was my reality is disintegrating. I don't know what reality is anymore. There is only my relaity l,oaded with experienes and attitudes and behaviours etc. I feel limp, lifeless. I want to run as afar as I can but I go with me.
My world is blown apart, topsy turvy. How on earth do I get forward from here?
Pleas e show me what and where and how Universe. Thank you
Bliss
X
With regard to the above remark from The Universe (tut.com) I agree. But there is also investing in one's potential. I have stopped investing in G's potential. I really haveloved the person he is. But there are behaviours and attitudes that I really don't like. His moodiness, his lack of desire to socialise, his judgements of others so harshly, his anger, his viciousness. Yet I have understanding of the origins of his pain and lack of trust from what he's told me. I feel so dreafully sad for the awful start he had in life. When I looked at the photos of him as a little boy my heart hurt. I can't imagine how the experiences have really left him. Uncertain and untrusting. I can relate from my own turmoil.
When does one stop accepting and take into consideration ones own needs. I am confused about this at the moment. With everything else that's going on I cannot deal with it. G has sent some light hearted texts and I have replied light-heartedly too. I do not want him back in my life and yet I miss the nicer parts of him incredibly. I have given of myself to him like uniquely. He has no idea just how much I have given of myself to him. And yet he thinks differently.
I do not judge him for what has not been accomplished because they are my measures. He may feel perfectly accomplished. He is bright and intelligent. He is interesting. He is quick-witted. He is lovely. I like and love G so much. But ...
And I cannot forgive him for saying that there were grey areas in connection with my dad. And at this time when I am learning more and more SHIT about the disgusting man. I feel sick and repulsed by him. And then G says something like that.
How could he? But then of course he doesn't know what it's like to be me so that's probably how.
Visiting the F's has revealed that there was suspicions within their family. Our family was being talked about. They felt that I didn't get everything they though I should, not enough care. Apparently my mum was challenged about not caring for me enough; by her boss PF and also by the F family. R apparently suspected sexual abuse. She was right. J told me about female friends of theirs that talked of my dads sexual propositions towards them. Those were the ones that said no.
The weird thing is that I didn't believe myself and yet this information I'vve been receiving cares what I think I was making up. Shit it's all so flipping weird. And I'm so angry with my mum and yet struggling to be angry as it feels so wrong. She MUST have known something, she certainly must have known about his infidelity and his nastiess towards me. How could she have sat there saying she didn't understand why things were always so bad between my dad and I.
I admit fully that I brough problems to their door but I was fucked up by him years and years before that.
My mum once allowed me to persuade at age 3 years old to stay in the playground with some boys. They spun me around on the roundabout and I fell off. I can remember lying on the tarmac and seeing my mum standig over me eventually. I am probably muddled but also remember it. I had to light the fire and put the dinner on and things when I got home from school. I was alone from a very yong age doing these things. I certainly was alone from age 7 yrs old.
It was all fucked up! And I thought I was making a mountain out of a mole-hill.
I feel like my world has gone. What was my reality is disintegrating. I don't know what reality is anymore. There is only my relaity l,oaded with experienes and attitudes and behaviours etc. I feel limp, lifeless. I want to run as afar as I can but I go with me.
My world is blown apart, topsy turvy. How on earth do I get forward from here?
Pleas e show me what and where and how Universe. Thank you
Bliss
X
