Thank goodness it's the weekend. As I sat in silence this morning I felt all my bones crunch back into place after a week of being tensed out of place. A metaphor of course. Visually I saw a sort of animation of a skeleton just cracking, readjusting back into position. Phew I can feel some relaxation throughout my body when I stop to allow it.
In between times I am going over in my head all that has happened.
I can't recall Monday at all. Not one single thing about the day. Was it my first day back? I think it was. Bloody hell it seems as if that was two weeks ago? Was it? I really can't work it out. That's the effect of the circumstances during this week.
Well Tuesday. LK and I facilitated the Process Group. Ew yuch I don't even want to start writing the detail it feels so, uhm, so, I can't find a word or words to articulate what it feels like to start going into detail. It feels exhausting and a beating up. I won't go into detail. I hope it make sense without the detail. LK criticised my way of work. I was aware of her annoyance even during the group and I'm certain at some point the clients would be able to pick up on something. She is wildly furious about a lot of things and a lot of the time. I, of course, don't like criticism but can be open to it to find ways to improve and learn. So I felt uncomfortable but as she went on it seemed that it was a criticism that was actually unjust. She said that too much therapy was taking place in the Process Group. I think as the time is going on I'm beginning to see a point. To a larger extent I agree with her in that the group needs to keep moving and the individuals need to be identifying and processing. Often we as therapists step in. Sometimes of course that's necessary to keep the group moving but right now I am feeling uncertain of anything I'm doing. So I need some guidance and suggestions how to not enter into therapy too much and instead keep the group moving by asking more joggers rather than deep questions. I can learn from this and I am willing to learn. However, it's less about the what she is saying but more about how. I felt attacked and picked on. When AW stepped in to make her point she was accused of rescuing me to which AW was quite astounded. There seems to be an attack on me. For the rest of the day (which involved a horrible hospital examination which I want to write about later as well) I went over and over the way I entered into the fray. I was aggressively defensive, which is a natural default for me. Everything I said she seemed to twist and turn back at me. I kept trying to explain more. I said that I didn't understand what was going on and felt unsafe. She asked me to explain that and when I did she threw more at me. I did step back at that point as AW started speaking. I tried to explain that what she is suggesting is not what we've done because really I didn't want it to change but I realised that she wants things done in a particular way then that's that. I tried to say that I felt unsafe as she has repeatedly said she doesn't want to change anything but does actually want to change lots of things and that's OK but I had hoped she would see what the programme is and what works and then gradually bring in her ideas. I can't remember all the responses but basically everything I aid seemed to be misconstrued as an attack on her. I needed to step back and shut up but I didn't. She asked why I felt unsafe and I said because of this conflicting situation and also that she seemed to listen to clients and was split by their comments. You see I had felt that there were layers of other agendas. The day before (oh yes I remember and it was my first day back) we had spent quite a lot of time with one client who was uncomfortable and I believe may have complained. Rather than bringing whatever was said to the team in an open manner, I think LK sat on that and this was the first opportunity to attack with it rather than discuss. Now a further layer is the pressure on LK to have clients in. As we know PD was the master salesman and there were very few times that we were low in numbers. LK did make a comment in the days before I went on leave about getting worried by the soon to be low numbers of clients. I wonder if she is comparing herself with PD and believe she may have insinuated this by something she said, I can't remember what it was exactly now.
So during this contretemps AW was saying something and suddenly LK interrupted and said that we needed to stop and she was setting a boundary that we needed a break. AW was quite boundaried saying that she was in the middle of saying something and would like to finish and did. We went into the office afterwards and I started to get on with the care notes, quietly and feeling battered. AW left to facilitate the next group and LK started again. I tried saying that I thought there was no solution right now and would like to take it to supervision. She said "I can't wait two weeks because you're not here this afternoon!". I seemed very aggressive in tone and accusational. I said that "no because I'm attending my hospital appointment" trying to remind her that it wasn't because I didn't want to. I feel certain that she has a massive grudge against me. So she wouldn't let go. I tried to just listen but she was attacking and aggressive so I defended. In the end I had to leave. I had only managed to get one note done, so gave her the list of the clients to be completed and left.
I felt dreadful. Absolutely deflated and worn down. Earlier in the morning NL had come into the office, prior to all of this and asked to meet with me.We had arranged an appointment for 12:15 Thurs. He said reassuringly me that there was nothing problematic. Perhaps, he protests too much.
Anyhow I drove off towards Portsmouth and called SH. Oh before I actually left LK had taken a call. I laughed as she had misheard the callers name thinking it was a Claire and started asking her when she had last had a drink. Then I heard her say oh SH. Poor LK wears hearing aids, she is very deaf but I sniggered as I walked out of the office at her complete unmanageability even though it's a disability for her.
I called SH from the car. I needed to speak to someone who knew her and could straighten me out because my natural default is to be the problem. I was already thinking I am useless at my job. Any tentative confidence drained from me instantly. I was questioning everything. Thinking too that actually I AM the problem. I am difficult as an employee and started finding all the evidence to prove that to myself over and over again. I was trying to believe what SH was saying to me down the phone as I explained the events with my twist on things too. Obviously all of my recounting is from my point of view and I can be manipulative by withholding my part of things when I dislike them. My defective behaviour. I tired not to but I know I did. I would like to just be able to take ownership of the whole of me, all the nasty stuff about too. Then it's a complete picture and people I call then for support have the full facts. I need to trust those people and it's clear that I can trust some people. B I can trust, T I can trust, A I can trust. They can hear it and somehow then still hear the issue I'm dealing with and support that with me and then I'm able to look at what I need to do and change. It's a skill to be able to do this. I need to learn it. I can learn by watching others doing it and emulate them. The difficulty needs acknowledging first of all. The horrible situation and how crazy it all sounds. And then to look at what is being handled or the only known way. And see how helpful that way is. Sometimes it's important to be encouraging first of all. Allow that simply to be and leave it at that. Solutions don;t need to be hunted out from the off, there is no urgency. And then maybe later once that trust is established that the situation is understood from the individuals perspective there are ways at looking at the individuals part and what changes can be made.
I used to think that when someone said pray, it was a cop out because they didn't know what else to say. This was because actually I didn't have a relationship with a Higher Power. I would think that I did without really knowing what I meant by it, even to myself, and would even promote the fact that I did but without being able to articulate what that meant or how I turned to God. Because I didn't. But with FA and my sponsor and other FA members, I have been developing that faith. I believe. I believe that everything will be OK and that if I ask for God's help it will be there. I do forget in the heat of the moment to turn to God. I know thought when I do things feel different even if I can't explain what and why and how. They just do. A serenity descends over me and then there is clarity. That is God entering me. So it's not this God image I still can have of a tyrant, raging in the sky watching over and criticising all the wrong-doings. It's not anything physical or humanly shaped. It's not omnipotence in the sense of domineering power. It's a glorious essence of something gentle and loving. It's something ethereal. It feels like it descends over me hence it feels as if it comes from above. Perhaps it starts in the head and that's why there's this white or crown chakra. Open and the spiritual can enter. Or perhaps it's something that sits in the brain somewhere that just needs to be accessed. Who knows. When it descends my heart fills with love and peace and that's from within. So this sense of tapping into God above and then feeling something deep within all makes sense in terms of what is written in the Bible or other religious scriptures. It's how it seems and is too big for words to be able to describe.
People can be fearsome and ferocious. That's how they are. I am beginning to realise that I don't like it because I am afraid of how I will react. I also become unpredictable. I sit and take it, take some more, and a bit more and then explode. So the bully thinks they can bully me and they keep doing it until I explode but then my reaction is so uncontrolled I can bullied some more, made to think I am crazy and a problem. Bullies do this. It's a dynamic that is set up and drives the victim further and further into a hole, believing the bullies taunts because actually that's how the victim reacts, lashing out ineffectively. I can see it very clearly now through observing me experiencing myself.
It's horrible. I don;t need to make accusations of bullying though. I just need to find ways of dealing with this fro a position of faith and gaining my strength through my faith.
An unpredictable rage-aholic! Uncontained, no boundaries. So that's what I am facing. I know this well. My dad was similar. And I found that so ugly that I am damning of myself when I retaliate in my defense in a similar manner. The rage bubbles up out of me and explodes in a fit of incoherent aspersions. That can then be used and thrown back at me. More frustration of not being understood because actually I'm not making sense. I am throwing out ineffective spears to ward off the attack. But they are so fragile they are picked up and thrown back at me but on the way back they seem to have gathered strength, loaded up with the bullies pernicious venom.
I have a very vivid picture in my mind now. So it is also as clear how I can be different. Non-reactionary is the clue. Be aware of that is happening. It will need me to keep putting aside my pride. And as has been suggested with LK I need to keep asking "how do you think I should deal with this?", "what do you think I should say?", "what is the best way forward do you think?". I have been applying this. She has all the power then but in a form of she is getting what she wants, control. Then it's all her decisions, all the way she wants it and it's also all of her responsibility. It is sad as we all took responsibility as a team before. It felt inclusive and equally responsible, trusting too. I am grieving that way and dislike this way. However, it is how it is. I am sure it comes from a place of fear and I pray to God for compassion for this but right now I am tender and need to take care of myself. It's always a tendency that when people say pray for the other person that I start to think that I am responsible for looking after them. I am so codependent and so misunderstanding of the meaning until right now about this praying for people. I have interpreted it to mean that I need to accept what I don't like as me being wrong. Not to that extreme perhaps. Humph! I am not quite sure how to articulate the way I've interpreted this. But it's certainly along the lines of pray for them because they are not wrong which by default would appear that I think I am wrong and they are right. Interesting. I'm not sure how I've taken the meaning of praying for the other person. Also I can think I am praying because I am right. Actually it's neither of those because we are just who we are. For example, the changes LK wants to introduce and is introducing I just don't happen to like. It doesn't mean they are wrong, it's just different. What I see is some chaos ensuing already. But that still doesn't mean it's wrong. It's a consequence of different ways. The way it has been was very rigid. The consequence being that some people could not get supported by us. They fall by the wayside. This way means that there is a loss of stability. I'm not sure which is more important.
Not doing too much therapy in the Process group means that issues won't be raised and processed therapeutically. Instead that will be done in 1:1's I guess. By doing therapy means that there is less opportunity for interaction between the clients, letting them raise their own issues between them without an agenda to delve deeper. So OK let's go with that. Let me learn but I need to learn some more probing ways to keep the groups moving in that way and assess better when to jump in and when to stand back. It's new for me and uncertain grounds. But I can learn. I have to find the humility to ask now. Yuch!
Something else I've realised is that it's such a relief to have witnesses. SH and AW are there and also encountering what seems like a lack of boundaries and uncontained rage. I think they are being attacked in different ways. SH is wise to the splitting and yesterday that was a lesson for me. Not to be splitable. I need to practise consistency. God please can you help to remain consistent. This would be different from my dad and LK too. I am seeing so many likenesses between LK and my dad but also how it is in me too. In my fear I will "hunt with the hounds and run with the hare" as my mum would say. I need to state my belief and then stick by it. I feel bad for having been vociferous about getting extra staff and then when asked directly afraid of others opinions so saying "I don't know" when asked why we needed so many people. Chicken. I was scared so God please can you help me not to do this. This makes it possible for people to get me on side or off side. I just need to be me and have the courage to stick with my convictions. Actually when SH was saying we needed more staff I wasn't entirely sure we did. If I stepped back from doing LK's work and answering phones etc then we could manage the actual therapeutic day busily but manageable. So I wasn't sure of my point I was being vociferous about but stepped in to be protective of SH and against LK. I need to step back, step back, step back.
Check my motives always. Be careful of getting into battles for other people. I need not to do that. I was pleased to step back from that when I noticed SH had been given yet another client. I am not sure LK really knows what she is doing. I think she is out of her depth at the moment, not really understanding how tings have been working. So she is making decisions based on that and it's all a bit of a muddle. Which is why I would have thought she would take time to just see how things are running and ask questions. I can understand that. For me I would want to look like I'm totally capable and would make decisions without getting to know the full story. Sometimes it would be because I can't see the full picture yet. I need time to watch. If ever I need to lead a team I hope I can apply some of these things tat I see now that value. It means putting aside fears and insecurities, not allowing pride and ego to step in as rescuers from fear and instead embracing everyone as valuable contributors. Listen to people.
Sh reminded me that these behaviours I'm seeing in LK are a sign of my own wellness. I'm finding that difficult to hold on to, confused by judging her behaviours as being wrong. But what I do know that is that I need to trust my feelings. It feels uncomfortable for me. It doesn't mean to say it's all wrong but I prefer someone who is more boundaried, less rigid perhaps, but relaxed because there is stability and serenity. I didn't for instance like the way PD could lash out when tings weren't exactly as he wanted them to be. The rigidity. But he was approachable and could listen to alternatives. Once he formed his opinion about someone's laziness or similar then he was difficult to shift from that especially if he had someone to buy into the gossip element with him. I didn't like that, it seemed unfair even though I have laughed along at times - see my splitability by not standing up for my beliefs. Driven by the fear of being excluded by the bullies and ending up being bullied myself. Gosh it's so ingrained, circular behaviour and beliefs. God I would like to change. Just to be O being me.
I am feeling so tired. I think I have to give myself this morning off. This is all whizzing and whirring and chunking around my head. I so need to study but I need some time out too. God please help me to know how to manage this work, life, study situation.
I feel left out by the study group and at a disadvantage. Perhaps I simply need to see if there are others free at weekends for a potential study group? That's a good idea. Be proactive. Instead of feeling left out open it up for alternatives. Mind you the only time really is Saturdays or Sundays and with 1 1/2 hours fro the AWOL starting on 1st April there won't be much time then for reading. I need more time somehow. How? Times are very difficult it seems.
So anyway, I feel better about behaving in a different way. She hasn't attacked me directly since but did have a quiet discussion with SH on her own trying to say that she knows we all hate her. SH didn't respond to that either way. But was able to say it's the way she's doing things rather than what she's doing.SH did say the same as me, that she doesn't necessarily like or agree with some of the changes but that's OK she can work with it. I love working with SH I will hate it if ever we're not working together. SH could see how battered I am. I feel tense and exhausted through the shear effort of having to be ultra mindful. I'm sure I will settle a little more into changing my ways and knowing that I can't trust LK or indeed NL then I need to be mindful. It will get easier I'm sure of that as change always does. I don't want it to leave me scarred and not trusting generally though. I don't trust and yet am over trusting to being with. Then I get hurt but at least I am open and learn rather than being closed and never learn. I just need to learn to step back and watch and learn through what I see. I don't have anything I need to prove and God please help me to remember that.
As for the hospital - well he scanned me inside and out. Yuch. He said good tings like my ovaries look all OK and this and that was the right shape and size. There were some silences and lots of typing but stupidly I didn't ask if he had found anything untoward. He did say that I had a gall bladder full of gall stones. He pressed in that region and I felt no pain but now I am concerned about that. My mum had her gall bladder removed and I think it was after that her Cancer developed. It's an instinctive sense but strong nonetheless. She was feeling nauseous after eating and had to call the doctor out regularly and I think after removing her gall bladder all of that stopped.So I am assuming the operation was connected. I am also concerned because I have these pains and they seem to find nothing at all. I wonder if something is hidden from view. It's the not knowing that's scary. If they said I had Cancer and it could be removed easily at an early stage then great. However, if it was advanced I would opt out of chemo-therapy. I do not see people enjoy living through that. I suppose I don't know how I'd feel until the time came to actually face that. But right at this moment that is how I do feel. I am wondering if the aches I get in my middle back right hand side are connected with the gall bladder full of gall stones. I asked how that could happen and as he gave various explanations or theories it was easily linked with rapid dieting, i.e anorexia and bulimia and massive overeating and excess fat. A consequence of my food addiction that was probably a vulnerable spot anyway since my mum had something wrong with hers I would think. And she was very overweight, definitely a food addict. Well in my opinion. It was more than simply over eating, she was addicted to many things and sugar, flour and quantity. Just like me! So I feel anxious.
I received a letter from the gynaecologist -
"I have reviewed the histology following your polypectomy and biopsy on 22/02/2012 and I am pleased to report that there was no evidence of any abnormalities. I hope you find this reassuring".
Now I would except the appointment I had had was on the 21st February not the 22nd and also that I still have these pains. I will call my GP on Wednesday and book another appointment. I will enquire about the results of the scans on Tues 13th March and maybe wait for an appointment after these results are in. I am self-caring.
I've decided not to try and study this morning. I just don't feel energised to be able to absorb information. It creates a stress but I need to allow myself some rest time. I have arranged to go shpping and then afterwards meet Abigail for a walk. I will take my lunch of mackerel and beetroot and salad. And I will return this afternoon and complete an hour of studying. This evening I will go to the AA meeting. I need a peaceful weekend and even though I think there's nothing particularly adventurous about this weekend, it's nice that it's an all slow down weekend. Gentle and undulating rather than ragged peaks and steep dales. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, breathe in slooooooowwly aaaaaaand breathe ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuut gently.
Bliss
XX
In mammals, the "rewarding"
brain chemical is called neuropeptide Y
