Last evening Master spoke to me in his very Masterly voice. It's so calm and even (unless he has become angry with me). He speaks so determinedly. I hear his power in the way he speaks. He enquired as to LR's request of me. He wondered why she had not written to ask of him and I explained that I feel uncomfortable and have not informed her of his name. I have a fear of Mistress LR. There is a destructive force within her. Very compelling by her nature but something terrifying too.
Master said that he did not want her to have me. He distrusted her intentions and thought she might not give me back. We lay there talking about such things and he asked me if I was playing with myself. I was just touching myself. He then introduced the idea of tying my wrists to the bedposts. My legs tied too so that I was spread wide open and helpless. I was blindfolded as he spoke of his idea, a young female slave moving between my legs and my realisation as I felt her long hair on my thighs as she kissed me there. He described how he would tell her to sit on my chest, facing towards m pussy. He would then tell her to bend forward and start kissing and licking my clit and pussy. He wanted her to bring me to the point of orgasm but not take me over the edge. She kept me there. And I should smell her arousal but be helpless to do anything. He told her how to kiss me and where to put her tongue. Slipping his finger into my pussy too, sampling my wetness and her tongue darting in and out at the same time. I imagined his tongue and her fingers toying with each other inside of me, I didn't dare ask. Taking off the blindfold, he told me I should see her wetness as I smelt her pussy. He instructed her to sit on my face and told me I could start licking her pussy. I felt Master put his cock into my very wet pussy, tellling me as he was doing this. Master started fucking me.
I don't remember when, but the young slave was told to kiss me on the lips so that I could taste my juices and she could taste her own.
And whilst Master was fucking me and she was sitting back on my face, I bravely asked Master if he was kissing her and if he could taste me on her lips. I asked if he liked watching her breasts jiggle as he fucked me. I heard only Masters "mmmmmmmm" and his rhytmic, heavy breathing. I smiled with delight and a stab of hurt all in the same moment. Helpless. All the time Master keeps me aroused, anything is OK with me - without it seeping between our love. I am truly a slave to Master.
He told me she was just our play thing, our sex toy, that he was concentrating on me. I knew that he was saying this to help me from feeling insecure. How could he resist finding this young 20 year old slave. His pleasure toy. He would of course fall in love with her too. I enquired tentaively, in case he thought I was being too nosey, if he wanted to fuck her too. He told her to get off me and get on the floor, to lie on the deer skins he had once kept me sleeping on whilst he slept in his bed.
He then fucked me!
This morning lying in bed we spoke of the night before and the young 20 year old slave. He said that he did not want anyone to come between our love and that he did not want another slave with whom he had any previous feelings. That this slave was to be someone I had found and he would tell me how he wanted me to be with her. I would be telling her at times how she was to please Master. He felt embarrassed that he desired a young 20 year old slave. I smiled.
Master allowed me to just "fiddle" with myself. I gently stroked my slit, rub my clit, parted my lips and continued just exploring as we spoke about the slave, our closeness, openness. His hands on my breasts and how I love that feeling, Master behind me with his cock inside my pussy. Talking about sexy things, what we likem what he wants, how I can learn to be a better slave and better please him sexually. I enquired if he had experiences with other women that had pleased him and he desired. Master mentioned being collared. I wonder if he wishes to be dominated at times. We did speak about him perhaps telling me to dominate him. I would be so uncomfortable but would do it if it was required of me. Perhaps he wants to be dominated by a Mistress. Oh wow! Perhaps the idea of Mistress LR has provoked this desire in Master. Mistress LR dominating him. How on earth can we between us create this exciting image. Perhaps I need to be the image maker. Mistress LR dominating Master whilst I look on helpless. He was definately excited by the concept.
Master mused over how to deal with me touching myself without his permission and whether he should reinforce his disappoint by decling to allow me to orgasm but for now Master just expressed his requirements of me again and will see what happens. Then Master mentioned how difficult it is to see my clit. Perhaps Master needs to tell me how to remedy this. It is good that Master tells me things that need adjusting. The way I am made, is it enough for Master? And Master talked about how times when he puts his thumb behind my clit and flicks it. I asked if I could play with my clit, whilst he was entering my pussy from behind me. And he wanted me face down, feeling my bum on his belly as he moved his cock in and out of me for a while. I was getting more and more sexually stimulated, rising towards orgasm. Master said to keep playing and get myself closer and closer but not to cum. To just keep playing. Master would tell me if I could cum. Keeping myself there requires me to be so careful - slowing things down, raising the stimulation. Then Master said "cum!" "cum!". He paused and smoothly said "cum!" again. Oh God! My body jerked and juddered as all my nerves twitched into explosive orgasm. Master watched whilst gently masturbating smiling down at me.
I revealed my breasts to Master hoping that he might want to cum. Master asked me to show my pussy and clit to him. I did of course. Master cuold see my wetness and watched me curcling over my clit as I heard his breathing getting heavier as he masturbated. Master came. I came. He invited me into to his arms to hold me close and tell me that it was all OK as he knew how I still get embarrassed at revealing myself so openly to Master. I offered to clean him with my tongue. I adore him. I adore the taste of him. I am so lucky to be allowed to clean him this way. I am grateful that he cums. I am grateful when he gives me back an orgasm that he has taken from me. He owns me. Entirely!
“Create for yourself a new indomitable perception of faithfulness. What is usually called faithfulness passes so quickly. Let this be your faithfulness: You will experience moments, fleeting moments, with the other person. The human being will appear to you then as if filled, irradiated with the archetype of his/her spirit. And then there may be, indeed will be, other moments, long periods of time when human beings are darkened. At such times, you will learn to say to yourself. ‘The spirit makes me strong. I remember the archetype, I saw it once. No illusion, no deception shall rob me of it.’ Always struggle for the image that you saw. This struggle is faithfulness. Striving thus for faithfulness you shall be close to one another as if endowed with the protective powers of angels.” -Rudolf Steiner
I read this on another tumblr - it needs absorbing but what I take from it is that what I can depend on is myself. People come and go and those that stay make mistakes as do I. Not often with intention to harm or disappoint. Sometimes with selfishness at heart. What I can depend on is me and the Universe. All will be OK. Putting faith and trust in anything else is foolhardy. That is not an insult to people but after all we are human and it seems by being so fall prey to our shortcomings - the seven sins. The great thing is that I am learning more and more to observe my shortcomings. As they become more apparent I am able to change my behaviours, attitudes, understanding etc and move closer to my spirit through listening to my principles and morals.
Put my faith in the trustworthy Universe. And everyone in it is just doing their bit the best way they can. Therefore I can be at peace and love them for the way they are trying.
I am a little scared to be involved with Master exploring with other women in case he then prefers them to me. But I can remind myself that I trust in me and I trust in the Universe. Master loves me today and that will never be lost. Tomorrow is another day. As tey say in Hollywood ha ha.
A great release for me has been the discovery that enjoying sensual sex with my beloved Master is not a sin. Until recently I have always damned myself. I am finding some freedom. It is not lust or need, it is pleasure and loving and adoration and personal freedom. Thank you Universe.
Apparently James Baldwin said (but I cannot find confirmation of this as yet)
...protect yourself from the mess they've become. Never forget the miracle they are.
This blog entry is full of all sort of dynamics - so much to work out in my humanly limited but spiritually charged mind ...
I wish to remember that everyone is a miracle to be cherished in my daily work! Sometimes I forget and focus on the chaos they bring. Then the compassion falls away.
I also sometimes need to remember this within my friendships.
Just recently have felt pretty distant from one of my very best friends. Amidst all of this I am confident that we will weather this little storm. We have had a few choppy storms before now. I have felt accused. But was able to listen and look for my part in things. And I tried to have my say on some issues I am struggling with but did not feel heard or even acknowledged. Instead I heard her say yes yes yes but it's got to be my way. Not sure how to deal with that but anyway at least the channels of communication are wide open,
It is interesting actually. This is a friend and also a colleague. And similar to be slave to Master and we are lovers, there are two roles in both of these relationships that at times seem to conflict for me. Sometimes they co-exist and other times compliment. The acknowledgement of the shifts within relationships and circumstances is new for me to be so conscious of. Awareness though does not yet provide resolutions of how to work through conflicts.
E sent me a text saying that she felt she couldn't sync with me at the moment. From my part there s a truth in that. I am in love, she is hurting as her love relationship is ending. She is going through the grieving and I am in the honeymoon period of my relationship with JH. E is looking at getting back into SLA recovery. Well I am questioning little behaviours but am a lot more relaxed about having boundaries but not needing the hard lines I have perceived from SLA and indeed similarly with OA. I wanted something rigid because I didn't want to lose control and in fact it's the other way around.
12 Step recovery from substances is so much easier to manage than behavioural or process addictions.
Wow I can even see how I can talk myself in being able to be more flexible with say alcohol.
I am aware though that when I was using drink and drugs my life was becoming more and more unmanageable. Similarly when I act out with food - bulimia or overeating (sadly I have lost the ability - too old now too - to be anorexic and that in itself says a lot about how deeply I am still locked in with food) - my life becomes crazed and only thoughts of fat and size. With love addiction well sex and love combined - sex addiction by itself seems to be subtly different - so yes with sex & love addiction, I can see how that plays out so very easily. Oddly enough rage is one way in which I have acted out with sex and love. I can't be bothered to go into the detail - there is a website and I have been enough times so defining it or trying to would be of no benefit for me right now.
oh blah blah blah . It is becoming easier for me to identify what I would call recovery from my eating disorder as it is from my sex and love addiction. I am getting clearer around codependency too. However, I know that truly needed the support of SLA when for example things were kicking of with CY. Ooooh that was horrid.
My love with Master is far far far from SLA although I can see how friends int he fellowship would pick up on our M/s relationship and be critical of it. But like PT said just because someone is unconventional doesn't make them an addict. Some people drink excessively but are not addicts. Some people have sexual deviance's but are not addicts. I am a sex and love addict I know but M/s is not feeling at this time like acting out. On the contrary I feel like I am learning to be intimate - something I avoided with either promiscuity or total isolation.This has brought Master and I together or in the land of predictive texting "tiger the ness" (private chuckle I suppose)
Anyway back to E which was the point of our non-sync currently. Our lives right now are not parallel. It's unusual as we are often in sync or thereabouts. The work/personal element throws me. I do not work in the same way E does and I am critical. I have no place in being critical, just get on with my own job. Our paths cross but not that often. It's different from when I was working with M and I seemed to get myself embroiled in her competitiveness and her hungry drive that was at the cost of anyone in her way. Well that's how it seemed to me. Instead of standing back I found myself competing. I was very relieved when I was able to stop that. It's odd because often I contribute to these people getting their posts and then it turns against me. Actually with E she applied after observing me so content with my job. I was able to give her a good reference but they were so smitten with her she got the job in her own right. I know that S kept on about how much S fancied E too. There is definitely an advantage to being beautiful - people want you around a lot more.
That wasn't a bitchy comment wither. E is beautiful. Right now I find her anger not so attractive and they way it's manifesting but I love her as my friend and the beautiful person she truly is. Really I just need to sound off. And it does help. There are some things I find a lazy approach and it gets my back up so then I become obstinate and this just creates more demand from E - well that's how I see it. It's a very very basic thing. She asks people to get in touch with people with regard to elements of her work. On the surface of it there is no issue with this as a favour once in a while. BUT E does it all the time with everyone. It's very condescending in my view. This is her job get on with it and when there's an occasional problem yes by all means ask for help. Furthermore, the money side of things even if it's to pass a message on interferes with the therapeutic moments that go on in our day. I would never, ever ask he to pass on a message related to therapy. I don;t see any other management member passing on their menial tasks unless it is the one off here and there. God it infuriates me and she sees it as people being unresponsive and uncooperative. I would like the opportunity to pass on my opinion. Openly too. E seems to forget herself and get above her station very easily and of course on a personal level we have not had this too often. A work environment brings out all sorts of sides that we would not normally have to encounter. I can see how she riles people up. She was always talking about her last place of work and how they seem to have little respect for her. Well I can start to see why. And it's not easy to put a finger on all of it.
Well I already feel a little better for stopping the politically correct speak - phew. If I write it as I think it then things get clearer.
This evening I am going to the opera with a friend - Rigoletto. I am so so excited. My first ever opera.
I am so disappointed though that I will be home late and Master says he will probably be asleep. Not to Whatsapp him just enjoy the Opera. Keeping him in mind is OK but not to worry about seeing him.
Skype is a miraculous wonder. But next weekend Master arrives once again. Friday afternoon. And this time Master is here until Tuesday. Oh my God, I can't wait. It's been 4weeks ince last I have felt his skin, his touch, him taking me. Felt his breath on my skin. Tasted his juices. HIs tongue in my mouth and over my clit. His cock stretchng my pussy wide open. Oh my God I long for him. I long to please him and serve Master well.
Revision is ZERO today. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooooo.
Oh well.
Got to go and get ready.
Bliss
