Actually, it's not that there are recurring themes in a lifetime, Bliss, but that there are recurring choices.
Isn't that totally awesome?!
Love, love -
The Universe
Just one of the many benefits of working the Steps has been identifying patterns that have never or no longer serve me well. The difficulty once identifying them is making changes. Re-learning, adopting newer and healthier patterns.
And of course there is the tricky trickster called denial - justification, manipulation, dishonesty with myself, or dishonesty with others to keep the behaviours etc from being detected, shame, etc etc. Denial manifests in many forms.
In early days of recovery I was riding the pink fluffy cloud thinking knew it and had got it, whatever it was.
The great thing about the continuing growth is that I can see there are just as many choices as I care to even try to think about. I just need to keep opening my eyes to see the choice. The next step is choosing the ones that are less instant gratification but more in line with my values and principles. There we are - back to how the values and principles I have form my boundaries and how my emotions are just one of the ways that the Universe communicates with me.
Thankfully I am now very aware of healthy choices and how when I repeat those I continue to grow and feel better. Equally when I opt for the old patterns or less healthy choices, I can feel it. My self esteem is a great indicator. Doing esteemable things brings esteem. And the opposite applies of course.
I am feeling unwell. I feel quite sickly and have a headache. I cannot afford to be off sick because this company I work for adopt a zero tolerance. I think this is unreasonable! As JH pointed out yesterday I hadn't thought that. I thought that they were right - after all why should they foot the bill when people aren't well, But JH reminded me of the welfare system and how our ancestors fought and even died for the sake of more equality and rights for employees etc. I am annoyed at my company for the way they do not look after their staff.
Ad yet I know for management it is much more flexible and negotiable. ET should not tell me really. It simply breeds contempt!! Fuck em. I am not loyal to them at all. I like my work and I love working with the clients. But I do not rate the company. No training, no decent pay, no sick leave, bare minimum really! Fuck em!
This monring, JH and I were sexual together. I have very mixed feelings about this. I love sharing this sexual intimacy with him. I love the feel of his hands on me. Yet I am still feeling the pain that he was being sexual with other women when I was finally allowing a man right into my soul. Offereing true true intimacy. Again it was a choice I made based on the fact that he was telling me certain things. Of course learning that this was not the truth is the point. I gave of me thinking I was making choices. Actually I was not. If I had known I would have made different choices. Yes I could have had a sexual fling but this is what I would have known it to be. Instead I thought I was getting really close with a man who was respectful of me.
So when having a sexual encounter this morning, I could feel that hurt. Hurting because I love him so much and want to be able to be open and sexually intimate. Intimacy is so different from sex.
I am still trying to put trust in the relationship let alone trust JH directly. It's hard. He was not truthful with me from the very start and yet kept telling me to trust him. He says he understands the difference now. I am hoping he does. I do not want to feel the pain I have been feeling. The problem is that to keep open to people and meeting that person who truly soul connects, requires me to meet along the way a lot of people who will hurt me.
I hope that JH can be that person as I love him. He has a lot to do though. He needs time.
I hope that his desire for sex doesn't trigger him. I hope he knows the difference. I hope he can see clearly what this last 9 months has been teaching him.
Universe I understand that he didn't do this to me. I am not a victim, it hurts nonetheless and brings questioning. I am sad that this is the way it has been. I wonder why I didn;t say goodby when I first knew he was not telling the truth. There were several signs. I really knew when the stories didn;t add up when ES was with him. He had told me that he wanted a monogamous relationship with me. I suspect he really believed it but .... well he says he didn't realise. That is not possible. Everyone knows deep down what they are doing - he knew otherwise he wouldn't need to keep things secret or tell lies to cover up. Anyone who is doing something entirely innocently does not know to do this. So he knew at some level.
Anyway this isn;t going over and over old ground, this is till trying to heal. As soon as I touch the real love I feel for him, I touvh the hurt too. It's easier not to love in some senses but I do not want to be closed down. I want to be a loving person, the loveing person I am. Pity that people take advantage for their own gain and do not see what I have to give and respect and cherish that. By not, it is so easily gone!
Universe - I hope and pray for people to see clearly and have all their heart desires. I hope that their choices will be healthy for their soul.
I have a heaviness in my heart. A lump in my throat.
Leaving for work now
Bliss
XX
Isn't that totally awesome?!
Love, love -
The Universe
Just one of the many benefits of working the Steps has been identifying patterns that have never or no longer serve me well. The difficulty once identifying them is making changes. Re-learning, adopting newer and healthier patterns.
And of course there is the tricky trickster called denial - justification, manipulation, dishonesty with myself, or dishonesty with others to keep the behaviours etc from being detected, shame, etc etc. Denial manifests in many forms.
In early days of recovery I was riding the pink fluffy cloud thinking knew it and had got it, whatever it was.
The great thing about the continuing growth is that I can see there are just as many choices as I care to even try to think about. I just need to keep opening my eyes to see the choice. The next step is choosing the ones that are less instant gratification but more in line with my values and principles. There we are - back to how the values and principles I have form my boundaries and how my emotions are just one of the ways that the Universe communicates with me.
Thankfully I am now very aware of healthy choices and how when I repeat those I continue to grow and feel better. Equally when I opt for the old patterns or less healthy choices, I can feel it. My self esteem is a great indicator. Doing esteemable things brings esteem. And the opposite applies of course.
I am feeling unwell. I feel quite sickly and have a headache. I cannot afford to be off sick because this company I work for adopt a zero tolerance. I think this is unreasonable! As JH pointed out yesterday I hadn't thought that. I thought that they were right - after all why should they foot the bill when people aren't well, But JH reminded me of the welfare system and how our ancestors fought and even died for the sake of more equality and rights for employees etc. I am annoyed at my company for the way they do not look after their staff.
Ad yet I know for management it is much more flexible and negotiable. ET should not tell me really. It simply breeds contempt!! Fuck em. I am not loyal to them at all. I like my work and I love working with the clients. But I do not rate the company. No training, no decent pay, no sick leave, bare minimum really! Fuck em!
This monring, JH and I were sexual together. I have very mixed feelings about this. I love sharing this sexual intimacy with him. I love the feel of his hands on me. Yet I am still feeling the pain that he was being sexual with other women when I was finally allowing a man right into my soul. Offereing true true intimacy. Again it was a choice I made based on the fact that he was telling me certain things. Of course learning that this was not the truth is the point. I gave of me thinking I was making choices. Actually I was not. If I had known I would have made different choices. Yes I could have had a sexual fling but this is what I would have known it to be. Instead I thought I was getting really close with a man who was respectful of me.
So when having a sexual encounter this morning, I could feel that hurt. Hurting because I love him so much and want to be able to be open and sexually intimate. Intimacy is so different from sex.
I am still trying to put trust in the relationship let alone trust JH directly. It's hard. He was not truthful with me from the very start and yet kept telling me to trust him. He says he understands the difference now. I am hoping he does. I do not want to feel the pain I have been feeling. The problem is that to keep open to people and meeting that person who truly soul connects, requires me to meet along the way a lot of people who will hurt me.
I hope that JH can be that person as I love him. He has a lot to do though. He needs time.
I hope that his desire for sex doesn't trigger him. I hope he knows the difference. I hope he can see clearly what this last 9 months has been teaching him.
Universe I understand that he didn't do this to me. I am not a victim, it hurts nonetheless and brings questioning. I am sad that this is the way it has been. I wonder why I didn;t say goodby when I first knew he was not telling the truth. There were several signs. I really knew when the stories didn;t add up when ES was with him. He had told me that he wanted a monogamous relationship with me. I suspect he really believed it but .... well he says he didn't realise. That is not possible. Everyone knows deep down what they are doing - he knew otherwise he wouldn't need to keep things secret or tell lies to cover up. Anyone who is doing something entirely innocently does not know to do this. So he knew at some level.
Anyway this isn;t going over and over old ground, this is till trying to heal. As soon as I touch the real love I feel for him, I touvh the hurt too. It's easier not to love in some senses but I do not want to be closed down. I want to be a loving person, the loveing person I am. Pity that people take advantage for their own gain and do not see what I have to give and respect and cherish that. By not, it is so easily gone!
Universe - I hope and pray for people to see clearly and have all their heart desires. I hope that their choices will be healthy for their soul.
I have a heaviness in my heart. A lump in my throat.
Leaving for work now
Bliss
XX
