And another review - this time the Herald
Bliss
XX
Friday 6 May 2011
Instinct Listening
"Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use.” - Carlos Castaneda
It's not always easy to listen beyond temptation and intrigue. But deep down we can hear and know. Listen carefully. Trust those doubts. But check against negative thinking.
Bliss
xx
It's not always easy to listen beyond temptation and intrigue. But deep down we can hear and know. Listen carefully. Trust those doubts. But check against negative thinking.
Bliss
xx
Sashaying towards enlightenment
An enlightening session with my therapist. I was talking about the cruel games played out in the playground when I joined the scary school in Godalming. And I talked about not knowing why but how scared I was in the house there. Dark images flitted across my mind as I was talking and I explained that my parents had to move from there within 6 months. It was pointed out that by that time things had already happened at a much younger age and informed me that I was fundamentally bad and full of shame. This started making sense. I do feel bad and am a shamed based person. So I really am looking to be affirmed and always worried that I will be found out to be bad. And then can be shamed as I deserve to be. It was discussed how I was having sex as a child before I even had a chance to get to know my dad. And that has been played out ever since. I have often wondered why I can enjoy sex with a virtual stranger but as we get into what is supposed to be a loving relationship I being to hate and despise them if they wish to have sex with me. It has all seemed so arse about face. It suddenly made absolute sense. That is all I know. The only way because actually I am not good enough anyway.
It's odd because as I am writing this I am thinking that all the sexual abuse is made up in my mind. But as I sit there and SC referred to it I didn't, it was as if he made me jump and suddenly the disgust was felt in the sexual parts of my body. I immediately wanted to cover up my hands and curl up feeling the disgust and exposed all at the same time. He spent a lot of time talking about how the talking about things that had gone on last year within the M/s relationship and supposed love relationship, this has opened further trust from me and the ability to start releasing the shame and beginning to realise that I am not bad. I feel sad that it's been taking so long and all happening so slowly. I am guessing that some people get sober and start healing this stuff straight away although I know from my own working experience that is not the case. It's that "I am bad" effect. Because this is how I am doing it it must already be bad.
I am glad SC is such an expert in this area. As I know, seeing other therapists who know little about this leaves me coming away with a feeling of the shame, whereas I leave SC and I feel heard and not ashamed. He is framing it for me and I am gaining some clarity. I was thinking that the speaking of more recent situations would heal that shame but as it's all so connected it really is starting to heal the entire thing.
I spoke about observing my anger and this wasn't the area that SC honed in on.
I had been saying how deathly I have been feeling. He asked me if I like my job - I am pretty certain he knows I love my job. He asked me why and I gave him plenty of reasons. I did say I didn't like the politics and he smiled saying that P is renowned for that. Anyway he kept relating to work. One thing he said that I am not certain what he meant fully or even if I heard him correctly ... was that if something in my working day arouses the shame in me then I am going to be wanting to act out. I wonder if he was thinking that something had triggered my shame which had launched me into needing SL in the first place or during that time on SL I was getting drawn to the M/s lifestyle because something had already been triggered in me. It was a sort of gradual progress.
First of all I met two people and asked them lots of questions. They were very open and she was receiving awful physical punishments apparently. Who knows if she was actually acting them out as it was all via SL. Then I inadvertently encountered Senor Dante. He made contact with me, summoned me to his place and then we entered into the M/s acting out over the SL environment. It was truly distant. And then I encountered JH in an area where another less pleasant M had taken me. I made the contact and offered the idea up. He was there and so I assumed he was involved. He claimed to be innocent. Anyway it was like a spiral into the entire thing. And then very quickly he made it real life ad I was very deeply involved.
I was aroused by the control, by the attention, by the intrigue and intensity, by the sexual arousal of course and the total giving of myself. I was not in control of my destiny. The trouble started when it was mixed with JH suggesting he wanted a loving relationship. But there had to be doubt ... the very mature of our meeting, his very apparent knowledge, his lieing etc etc. I would be repeating myself. But there was not much of a dissimilarity. Before I had got to know him there was a sexual interaction and I cannot remember ever being in a relationship that started differently. In a progressive way, meeting a man meant that I gave of myself so completely there was little of me left. This was without there being a formal submissive role. I just played straight into that and then as time passed I would start to get to know them and realise that there was not the compatibility of minds and principles etc etc. Similar. And of course this is how it was with my dad. It started off incorrectly. He didn't know me and I didn't know him yet it was inappropriately all messed up - yuch I don't even like to think or write about it . Some of it is juts fuzzy memories until I can remember specifics in my teens.
So all this makes sense - and in my mind I know that a real loving and cherishing relationship would involve meeting people and getting to know them - nothing physical for around 3 months or maybe a little longer. Discovering the person and not the sex. I enquired if SC thought people do actually do that - he said absolutely. But sadly the western way is not geared up anymore like this and there are a lot of people acting out in unhealthy ways. Not cherishing something potentially so very special. I agree with him but would right now be scared and that's what has always happened. Because I do not feel good enough, fundamentally bad, I assume they will disappear if I don't submit and give of that very sexual intimate part of me. I feel sad as I write that, sad for the little girl who is not bad at all and is not the shame she feels - that was put upon her. This little girl deserves better. I feel that intensely. And I want it.
If I never met anyone again right at this moment it would be OK if it was because there was no one decent enough to be respectful. I do not judge others when I say that - where there are no consequences on the person there is no problem. But for me there is a consequence. I do not feel wholesome or valued and then feel shame and bad.
There is certainly room in this lifetime for me to heal and enjoy the people that match beautifully with me.
Peace. I am seeing him again a week on Monday.
He is such a help along my way.
I am afraid of that boredom which creeps in and devevlop into the devlish desires .... need SLA close to help with that. That's the desire that escalates without support. Addiction!! People are so unaware.
I would like to add something at this point - I am not saying anyone didn't love me when they said they did. I think it was their version of love which is only my opinion. But what I am saying is that I mistake things as love in the way I want it to be and to date no one has shown me what I consider to be true love. But we will all have our own versions of ...
I consider love to be gentle and respectful, honest and transparent, centred and full, sharing, trust, separateness and togetherness. This is just for starters. I like to think that there are people out there with similar ideals about love who would want to work for that togetherness of merging ideals. I hope everyone finds their love with someone who merges with them. Or if not enough love for self to be content and surrounded by strong and supportive friendships to draw companionship and love in a different way.
Bliss
XX
It's odd because as I am writing this I am thinking that all the sexual abuse is made up in my mind. But as I sit there and SC referred to it I didn't, it was as if he made me jump and suddenly the disgust was felt in the sexual parts of my body. I immediately wanted to cover up my hands and curl up feeling the disgust and exposed all at the same time. He spent a lot of time talking about how the talking about things that had gone on last year within the M/s relationship and supposed love relationship, this has opened further trust from me and the ability to start releasing the shame and beginning to realise that I am not bad. I feel sad that it's been taking so long and all happening so slowly. I am guessing that some people get sober and start healing this stuff straight away although I know from my own working experience that is not the case. It's that "I am bad" effect. Because this is how I am doing it it must already be bad.
I am glad SC is such an expert in this area. As I know, seeing other therapists who know little about this leaves me coming away with a feeling of the shame, whereas I leave SC and I feel heard and not ashamed. He is framing it for me and I am gaining some clarity. I was thinking that the speaking of more recent situations would heal that shame but as it's all so connected it really is starting to heal the entire thing.
I spoke about observing my anger and this wasn't the area that SC honed in on.
I had been saying how deathly I have been feeling. He asked me if I like my job - I am pretty certain he knows I love my job. He asked me why and I gave him plenty of reasons. I did say I didn't like the politics and he smiled saying that P is renowned for that. Anyway he kept relating to work. One thing he said that I am not certain what he meant fully or even if I heard him correctly ... was that if something in my working day arouses the shame in me then I am going to be wanting to act out. I wonder if he was thinking that something had triggered my shame which had launched me into needing SL in the first place or during that time on SL I was getting drawn to the M/s lifestyle because something had already been triggered in me. It was a sort of gradual progress.
First of all I met two people and asked them lots of questions. They were very open and she was receiving awful physical punishments apparently. Who knows if she was actually acting them out as it was all via SL. Then I inadvertently encountered Senor Dante. He made contact with me, summoned me to his place and then we entered into the M/s acting out over the SL environment. It was truly distant. And then I encountered JH in an area where another less pleasant M had taken me. I made the contact and offered the idea up. He was there and so I assumed he was involved. He claimed to be innocent. Anyway it was like a spiral into the entire thing. And then very quickly he made it real life ad I was very deeply involved.
I was aroused by the control, by the attention, by the intrigue and intensity, by the sexual arousal of course and the total giving of myself. I was not in control of my destiny. The trouble started when it was mixed with JH suggesting he wanted a loving relationship. But there had to be doubt ... the very mature of our meeting, his very apparent knowledge, his lieing etc etc. I would be repeating myself. But there was not much of a dissimilarity. Before I had got to know him there was a sexual interaction and I cannot remember ever being in a relationship that started differently. In a progressive way, meeting a man meant that I gave of myself so completely there was little of me left. This was without there being a formal submissive role. I just played straight into that and then as time passed I would start to get to know them and realise that there was not the compatibility of minds and principles etc etc. Similar. And of course this is how it was with my dad. It started off incorrectly. He didn't know me and I didn't know him yet it was inappropriately all messed up - yuch I don't even like to think or write about it . Some of it is juts fuzzy memories until I can remember specifics in my teens.
So all this makes sense - and in my mind I know that a real loving and cherishing relationship would involve meeting people and getting to know them - nothing physical for around 3 months or maybe a little longer. Discovering the person and not the sex. I enquired if SC thought people do actually do that - he said absolutely. But sadly the western way is not geared up anymore like this and there are a lot of people acting out in unhealthy ways. Not cherishing something potentially so very special. I agree with him but would right now be scared and that's what has always happened. Because I do not feel good enough, fundamentally bad, I assume they will disappear if I don't submit and give of that very sexual intimate part of me. I feel sad as I write that, sad for the little girl who is not bad at all and is not the shame she feels - that was put upon her. This little girl deserves better. I feel that intensely. And I want it.
If I never met anyone again right at this moment it would be OK if it was because there was no one decent enough to be respectful. I do not judge others when I say that - where there are no consequences on the person there is no problem. But for me there is a consequence. I do not feel wholesome or valued and then feel shame and bad.
There is certainly room in this lifetime for me to heal and enjoy the people that match beautifully with me.
Peace. I am seeing him again a week on Monday.
He is such a help along my way.
I am afraid of that boredom which creeps in and devevlop into the devlish desires .... need SLA close to help with that. That's the desire that escalates without support. Addiction!! People are so unaware.
I would like to add something at this point - I am not saying anyone didn't love me when they said they did. I think it was their version of love which is only my opinion. But what I am saying is that I mistake things as love in the way I want it to be and to date no one has shown me what I consider to be true love. But we will all have our own versions of ...
I consider love to be gentle and respectful, honest and transparent, centred and full, sharing, trust, separateness and togetherness. This is just for starters. I like to think that there are people out there with similar ideals about love who would want to work for that togetherness of merging ideals. I hope everyone finds their love with someone who merges with them. Or if not enough love for self to be content and surrounded by strong and supportive friendships to draw companionship and love in a different way.
Bliss
XX
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