Without music, man is little more than a stone - Martin Luther 15th century monk. And I write that having started to watch the documentary about Bach's life on BBC. I fell asleep. Bach was influenced by Luther it seems but I was actually nodding off by that time. So I will revisit it when I've finished writing. Anything other than start studying. I love Bach's music; vibrant and sometimes enchanting. How could he hear what it would sound like with a choir or an orchestra? Do today's musicians hear how it will sound with the other instruments. When listening to David Bowie's band talk about sitting together and bringing their instruments into the piece, I started thinking that it's not really then David Bowie's idea in fullness, they all are part of the creation from nearly the initial idea. But ... perhaps that's just how it has to be. I will ask Liz today about her music writing process. I do love Toccata and Fugue, especially the building up getting higher and higher ad then reaching the pinnacle. At that point I want to go or stay there. But we have to come down.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho9rZjlsyYY
I had a lovely day yesterday. I have an underlying melancholy but can enjoy myself nonetheless.
I was enjoying texts with G. But then when he called he was in a grumpy mood I could tell. My immediate reaction was to pull back, fed up with the change in him when I had been so looking forward to speaking with him. He didn't really want to talk. I am suspecting he was angry because of the photos I sent of him with me messing around with bunny ears on. Who knows as he won't talk about what had made him angry. And in truth it's probably best as it's his issue if it's about me.
Anyway I think fuck off ad start to pull back. But not being in the same place it's so much easier to have some time. And wrote too. So what would you do?
My immediate reaction is to say why can't you just be even tempered and not get angry over the most ridiculous things. I wondered all sorts of things. So firstly I need to stop. It doesn't matter what he's angry about this time unless he tells me. Should I ask or not? I don't really know the answer to that question.
Anyhow it's clear I just let him be with this. He said he didn't really want to talk so that was easy too as we weren't together. I was hurt and disappointed and then fed up with it. Do I tell him that? I don't know. I guess perhaps if there's an opportunity to talk when he's not angry then I could mention it to him. It could be a number of reasons - it could be Di, it could be me, it could be his health, it could be blah blah blah. Who knows? The thing is it's not me who's made him angry it is the way he does or doesn't deal with life as it hits him.
Now me in this. It's interesting how I want to withdraw. It is tiresome for me when he is up and down in mood. One minute nice and the next it feels as if he's throwing me away. That was how it felt with my dad too. But he would gradually reel me in and then appear to toss me back out to sea. It never felt safe with my dad. Why should it? Is it anyone else's job to be consistent for me. That's when I take it personally and expect them to be how I want them to be.
So G is this way. I want him to be considerate of me but why should he be. I can be considerate of him much easier from afar and with some time. So there it is. If we have too much time together I'm not able to deal well with his changeable moods and seemingly ease with which he can be angered. I get tired and agitated by him. So today I am thinking don't bloody bother calling him.
I notice how I try and work out what it is he's angry about because then I can try and correct it. I want to be a good girl instead of just being me. I have done nothing wrong. We weren't together so I arranged things to do and accepted invites to see my friends. I didn't want to be spending time alone over these four days. I need people at the moment and to feel included. I need to feel loved. And yet I also have the choice of being at home by myself too. It's a luxury.
I wasn't able to tell G exactly at what time I would be free after seeing L today. I think I would feel a little insecure about that. I think what I will do is say that I will leave there by 5 - that's a good time for lunch and a walk and then perhaps G and I can meet for a walk too. I will take LouLou's food and water. Yes I would much prefer a bit of certainty and a sense that G wanted to see me. I think I was perhaps too nonchalant. And yesterday I didn't want him involved with the Barber's really. I did at first thinking it would be nice that he joins in. I'd like him to be a part of my family but he's so unsociable and can be rude if he doesn't like people. I don;t want to risk that rudeness as it does without doubt reflect upon me whether he likes it or not. But being impulsive and thinking happy family type thoughts I then realised I didn't want him too late after accepting his suggestion.
Now if I was able to find a nicer way of saying it I could have said something to the effect that it was a lovely idea but I would be concerned that he would be irritated by someone and then be rude. How on earth could I say that any easier. He takes a dislike so easily without really knowing a person fully. One little thing will make him curt. And I don't like that. My dad was like that but with everyone really. I just feel on edge and have done all my life with my dad. Will he be nice or will he be rude. The not knowing is so unpleasant and the experience of discomfort is even worse. Why? It's his issue. But it's not nice seeing other people confused and offended. There is just then an atmosphere and then people wouldn't want to see me and then it's just complicated and awkward to make arrangements. These are the things that make me wonder whether I want to be with him or not.
Now I say I love him but I don't like this about him. Is this reason enough to to be with the man I say I love? I don't know. Is his grumpy way of dealing with it reason enough to leave? I don't know. Is the way he retaliates with similar treatment rather than talk about enough to leave? I don't know. But the way he does that is quite enlightening for me. He doesn't always get it right though. He gets nasty and vicious with it too.
Last week when throwing everything back at me because he felt tings were being thrown back at him were all based on his own dislikes of what I was deciding to do. But he;s backtracked on that too. There is some issue about sexuality in particular with homosexual men.When driving back from Devon he mocked my gay friends without even knowing them. He is really angry with gay men. From what he's said I do understand. And he has a belief that a man can be made gay. I wonder if there is an issue around his own sexuality as he struggles with sex with a woman yet he loves to be with women. He has more female contacts than men. Do I want to be with someone with all these issues? Or questions around issues? I don't really but I love G.
I don't want him to be out of my life but I don't want all these difficulties either. I don't want to be poor and yet I am expecting him to be able to provide the dough as I'm such a low earner. My money is just enough to keep me going but that's it, there's no room for luxury within that. I want to be able to travel and be comfortable with buying things as required and not worrying about money. Why should anyone else be responsible for that? And with that question in my mind or my attitude to want to meet someone with money then the motive is all wrong in the first place.
Anyway I'm really uncertain about G. When I'm with him and it's lovely I just can't see a reason not t be with hi the person. But when I start thinking about all these other things I'm just so uncertain. He's got a lot of issues and so have I. I expect him to see and understand me yet I want him to be all okay. He's already warned me he's not a rock! He's so very aware. And yet he doesn't want to do anymore work on him.
I am sorry for my impulsiveness yesterday and then not seeing it through with honesty. I think it would have been hurtful to say actually I don't want you to come along and yet truthful if I could have explained why. Would that be too much for his sensitive soul? I don't know. I am still too scared to really be direct with people. And it's my perception of things and my discomfort. I can own that I suppose.
It was similar with PW. I realised as I listened to him all afternoon, from 12:30 until 17:30, just how much money and status meant to him and yet he was trying to say it didn't matter in some ways. It mattered wholly. He talked about how much he had and who he knew ad so on. It was a side of him I didn't like. And oddly as I'm sitting here talking about G making judgements and dismissing people for just one thing, I could easily do the same with PW. I need to listen to my instincts but not over react to them. I would take instant dislikes without really knowing why. And I would also make mistakes about individuals; I could get to like someone just because someone else I respected or liked or wanted to "keep" liked someone. It was jealousy. And I could easily end up having a close friend that I actually didn't like. Or I could dismiss someone for similar reasons. Or I could dismiss someone if I felt they had dismissed me. And so on.
As I know to really give someone justice they need time. But time isn't the only thing. Sometimes there is more information available and that can also contribute to giving someone justice. I would like the same myself. I make mistakes but that's not all of me. And if someone judges me by my mistakes then they are missing out on a whole heap of good things. My dad judged me on my mistakes and could then never see beyond that. And I've not liked that about him on my behalf. So I would like to try and give people time when it's possible. I can like the goodness in everyone. With PW he wants to do good with his money. I think the real turning point for me was listening to his dislike of his children. How they weren't going to inherit because he saw his daughter and partner as takers ad not very bright. Reminded me of me in my dad's eyes. His second son wouldn't inherit because he's made his own fortunes working for Apple. His third son has actually cut off contact with everyone. I wonder if it's just with PW but actually I think he is an honest man so there's no reason to doubt that actually.So he will not leave any money to his children and it's all going to his wife S or to a school. He wants to be an anonymous donator to offer educational scholarships to the school. Now that's a real credit to him since he himself received a scholarship. And he absconded to join the army at 14 years of age so in effect there was an accusation of theft apparently. The school approached his parents who really did not have any money at all. How he's worked hard to change his fortunes. And he's a very clever man that's plain to see.
I'm sort of jealous of his good fortune through his life but I always think a person does actually make their fortune. I've been on a hedonistic trail - anything for the easy fun life. Escaping from responsibility.
So here I am in my bed and having to lie in it. Why should anyone else bail me out of it. I used to think it was my right that my parents helped me out. Other parents helped their kids out. I'm not sure other kids messed up like I did. So I have had a hard lesson. And the denial lesson has been my dad disinheriting me. I thought I might at least be comfortable through my parents efforts but no!
Last laugh on him therefore. I have to laugh to really. Anyway I've sent some information off to the solicitor and lets see if he thinks there is good enough reason to contest. If he says yes then I'll try and find a good No Win No Fee solicitor depending on their charges. If he says no I will let go of it. And work through the hurt and the fact that I am poor and probably will remain so. Instead of longing I need to settle into being grateful for what I've got and work hard to keep it now.
BUt that doesn;'t answer the situation with G completely. The man I really like is not always present. Ther are other parts to him that I'm not sure I truly do like. His moodiness is one, his negative judgement of people another, his disinclination to work is another, his untidiness another (not that I'm tidy but he's worse). His disregard for cleanliness in people's homes, not wanting to wear clothes to look good at all. These are things I regard and don't like.
I love his intelligence and sense of humour. I like his self awareness. I like the way he likes people, it's good and strong. I like his interests and the way he shares them without prejudice. I like his consideration of me and his generosity with what he does have.
I don't know if I like enough about him or whether I just like the idea of liking him. I don't know.
His grumpiness leaves me more in questions than when he's being nice. It's good to have this distance.
I wonder what dating really means. I wonder about me in all of this. I want him to be well and able to deal with life and yet what about me in this?
How ma I in the relationship? I'm not entirely honest as was the case yesterday. There was nothing I needed to hide from him yet I didn't say that I didn't want to meet up with him. Fear of offending him and then him rejecting me and the choice of being in the relationship being taken away once and for all.
Oh and I'm off the AWOL again. This time for having eaten my courses with too long a break between them. I had done it before but had mentioned it to someone else on Tuesday so told my sponsor. She considered it a break of my abstinence and that means back to Day 1 and off the AWOL. Now I do think it's severe. But abstinence is abstinence. There's no degrees of abstinence. And if I get away with something then it's me not being respectful of a situation, not really taking it seriously. And that's insanity. I know this food addiction has complete power over me. Just yesterday I was thinking "fuck it" and several time felt tempted by all the foods; chocolate, cakes, creamy potatoes and other lovely dishes. Somehow I got through it without making any calls. Today I need to get honest. I started with T by Viber text. And I will tell my sponsor and I'm writing it down. I wasn't going to say anything at the AA meeting where I'm now secretary for the next 3 weeks. But now I will and take this 90 days seriously. No sharing, no eating out, no going away. Let's get really serious about this otherwise there is room for a full blown binge here. And just goes to show the extent of my denial as I was thinking well it's not really a relapse, justifying it as fear that had caused me to eat. It always is something that drives the "eat addictively" fear, denial, anger, sadness and so on. Right now I have a lot going on. Discovering things about my dad has not been pleasant. And hearing that my mum was confronted about taking better care of me was unpleasant too. I feel as if my world has turned upside down. My mum must have known that tings weren't all they should be between my dad and I but she was probably already used to him being the way he was. She had decided to stay with it. I do ask why? And here I am wondering whether to stay but you see I think a lot of it is about me being problematic and difficult.
And then I'm feeling a buffoon at work, making silly mistakes and feeling as if I'm lazy.
Then there's all this topsy turvy with G.
What else? Oh ongong uncertainty with M and always trying to get it right with her too.
I just want to let go of all of this. My tendency is to run but really I just need to let go. People are how they are. And I can be how I am. I'm not a bad person even though I spend my unwaking moments thinking and acting as if I am. I am doing my best.
So the reality is that I just don't know. In my faffing around G may get a sense of it. I'm toing and foring and he may well get fed up with it. It's not fair to him. I should either pull out or get in and stay in. I want to do neither. So what can I do from here?
Please Universe show me what to do and how to be? In the gentlest of ways please as I am so flipping fragile.
I'm unsure about everything. I don;t want to be here. I don;t want anything I ahve and want everything I don;t have. I don't even want to be me. I don;t want to have to go out and be friendly. I don't want to stay in alone.
I feel in a state. I think I've written myself into it. with all the I don't knows.
What I do know is it's time for breakfast. I do know I need to preapre my meals, lunch and dinner which means some cooking is required as well. I do know I need to get washed and dressed. I do know I need to feed LouLou and I do know I need to do some studying. It's now 8:50. I will have breakfast and then call G at 9:15. I will then get washed and dressed by which time it will probably be 10:00 and with 15 mins quiet time I can then be studying at 10:30. I will take breaks to get my meals ready. And then leave here at 12:15. I will spend the afternoon with L and if G wants to meet with him for a few hours too. We can meet for a walk. He is okay with not respecting his "best friends" wishes. And that's another thing that makes me wonder about him. He so likes her and needs her and yet lies to her and doesn;t respect her wishes just because he doesn't agree with them. I really don't like all this in myself let alone in someone else.
What am I doing with him? Is it me accepting crumbs?
What is it I do wnat in a person? Someone who can cherish me number 1. Someone who respects me and feels love for me. Someone who is further down the line of self unserstanding and who can be patient with me and respect my desire to improve. Someone who likes people and loves people despite all the wrongs as I'm trying to do despite my judgements. Someone how is funny and intelligent and bright but without grandiosity. Someone who is loyal to me and trustworthy. Someone who is following a spiritual practice. Someone who inspires me and who is inspired by me. Someone who will be loved by me. Someone with some money and a good working ethic. Someone who is sharing as well as caring. Someone who welcomes friend and social gatherings. Someone who enjoys their own time an quiet time for just both of us and someone who can let me have my own time too. Someone who is charming and funny.Someone who will tolerate my quirks and is quirky themself. Smeone who has their own interests and interests we can share.
There will be other things.
I need to eat breakfast and stop writing.
I am grateful today for good friends who want to invite me along to be with them. Thanks you the B's yesterday. I am grateful for this roof over my head and central heating and food in my cupboiards. I am grateful that there are people in my life to interreact with. I am grateful for G. He is a wonderful man. I am grateful for LouLou and her little ways. I am grateful for a laptop. I am grateful for FA and food recovery. I am grateful for the sunshine and the rain and the wind and the cold. It all has it's purpose and none of it is in the control of man. It is what it is. I am grateful for Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo's books. I am grateful for the idea to go an see her in the nunnery.
I am grateful full stop.
Bliss
XX
