Grown up little girl

That's me.
So often the little girl is the loudest voice in me.
I have seen too how that little girl can manifest in many ways - of course it is me today, but there are certainly learnt behaviours that are stuckness. That is not English by the way.

I saw how the temptress or teenage seductress appears - very manipulative. I want something! And a  sort of devlish energy appears. Wild and as if totally carefree. Then there is the very little girl, maybe about 5 is how I envisage her. She just wants to be loved and cuddled safely. Just to be really wrapped in love for being. That is a sort of softer and girly manifestation. There is also an excited little girl, wowed b the world. But then there is a another teenager who worldy and knowing and alert to danger, not trusting and cynical. There are undoubtedly more - younger I feel too. But all these live on - stuck. I have to flipping well learn how to aprent myself because no one else has been able to. My mum loved me, of that I have no doubt. She was unavailable a lot of the time though. She did cuddle me safely in that moment. But she was not very encouraging of me and her absence I think whilst giving me independance also left me to been grown up far too soon. And then my dad, I don't think he did the best he could. He was abusive - sexually, emotionally, physically, spiritually. It was the best he was capabable ot but that was not OK. I think there is some part of him that loves me. I just want him to love me safely and with healthy boundaries. Limits from my parents to contain me - never have been there. There were restraints that linited me but not containment.
So here I am trying to learn about me - really beginning to see my anger and rage. I find it ugly because I was always told it was ugly. And then when I saw my dad's anger it was terrifying and disgusting. So I have believed it is not OK to be angry.
I have a lot to be furious about and now need to allow myself to feel it but not act out on it. It's so subtle at times I don't even realise I am talking myself into acting out. How convincing I am too!!

So far I have managed to avoid doing anythig - whether it could be healthy or not it is too risky.

Phew it takes a lot of efffort to follow the narrow path. It is the trudge they talk about at times. The trudge to happy destiny - but along the way there is such a lot of wonder to see and take in. How easy temptation can flow in.

Bliss
XX

Freedom and Contentment

When you don't know what you  want, Bliss, it's probably time to begin enjoying what you have.
You've done so well for yourself,
    The Universe

I enjoy time with my friends (yesterday)
I enjoy walking with my LouLou (this morning) (plans for this afternoon)
I enjoy seeing the Universal creations - people, sea, trees, Spring, colours, words, visual arts, music, crafts, communication. (most days)
I enjoy learning - all sorts - and being stimulated (most days)
I enjoy time within easy friendships where I can be entirely myself (yesterday)
I enjoy the smell of coffee (right now)
I enjoy the feeling after I have sorted out administrative things (this morning)
I enjoy practicing meditation and being in the moment (a little everyday)
I enjoy listening (when I remember)
I enjoy hearing (when I listen openly)
I enjoy sunshine (now)
I enjoy the technology I have at this moment - camera, laptop, iPhone, music machines etc.
I enjoy the self awareness I have this morning with my thinking being not dark today.
I enjoy my thinking being lighter (now)
I enjoy being aware of the rage within and just recently practicing seeing it and nurturing it and not acting out on it - so far!
I enjoy eating healthily (recently - apart from Saturday over did it with gorgeous fresh bread mm mm)
I enjoy feeling better in my body (day by day)
I enjoy feeling a little bit more confident about myself (today)
I enjoy that I have time today to do my studying - so blinking well get on with it!!!


Mmmm yes - I enjoy many things about this moment.

Bliss
XX

Red Rum

My dream this morning was so full of anger.
I think we were on a cruise of some sort. I am not sure who we is. I was with a man that I neither know nor recognise. He seemed to be my partner. But as a result of something between him and another guy on the boat, I had to do certain things and where clothes in a certain way.
One of the crew, which later evolved into being at a bar, I was given something that was completely wrong for the ways n which I was supposed to do things. The controlling man saw and just smiled knowingly. I got really cross with the barman. I started screaming at him. I said that if he did not do things correctly I would suffer. I called him a c.u.n.t., which is not a word I am accustomed to using. I pushed through the queuing crowd behind me and was sitting outside the bar, knowing I was not allowed to go far. It was too late anyway, whatever it was I was supposed to do I had already failed on and would have to do something else for this man. I could hear the barman saying that if it was him in charge he wouldn't have arranged things as they were he would have done it differently. I saw red. I charged back in swearing and cursing, that yes we all knew that but it wasn't how it was and he wasn't in charge. I started smashing the place up, pushing things off the bar and smashing things.
Then I woke up. I knew that in my dream I felt charged by this outrage. It felt very powerful. IN parallel I felt ashamed of the explosion and in front of so many people. They could see my destruction, yet inside it's such enormous rage, desperately wanting someone to witness and be able to contain this level of fury. It can be murderous and the person I want to murder is me.
I know it relates to age old anger and anguish from my childhood. And then a journey into adulthood of dysfunctional relationships, which were led by my desire just to be loved.
I was reading littlegirlyone this morning. I am assuming the writing is from real emotions. Anyhow I could relate to her writing. I have a desire to be little and therefore lovable and I know that comes out in my food practices, anorexic when younger, bulimic as the anorexia became more difficult to sustain and, of course, this is just a way of controlling overeating. My food right now is in order. I am eating 3 healthy meals per day and allowed myself an ice cream whilst out yesterday. I planned for it.
I also read about this woman's description of the comfort taken from orgasm and the need to masturbate. That is a problem, it is a need for comfort and not sexual. There should be other ways to take comfort. I want someone to comfort me through nurturing and cuddling, someone to go to who is safe and tell them I am scared. Instead at an early age and with quite disturbing images I learnt how to masturbate to comfort. That meant I didn't need to tell anyone about my fears of other emotions.
Someone once asked the question if being a slave was somehow related to childhood sexual abuse. Well I am not sure it is specifically related to penetrative sex or that solely. But I can certainly see connections for myself in the need for a man who is in control to care for me. Not necessarily that they have to love but that they want me and want to take care of me. Before JH said that he too would want a monogamous relationship, I was prepared to work through my difficulties of being a slave that had no rights about other interests and women and to be available when needed and work through my issues somehow when not. I can relate that to my relationship in childhood directly.
God it's so painful to see it. And so sad too that it's how I have tried to heal my little girl. I am still very turned on by the dynamic. I read this morning some pages having received a prompt of a blog via my email. I found myself conjuring ways to ask my Master to take me back and train me properly.
The healthy side of me screams at little sad, hurt, lost me. Little hurt lost me doesn't know how else to be loved. It seems the only way. The other me seems unlovable and completely in a mess.
Gosh though I have put in so much work - I am on the brink, keep sticking with the way that others say is healthier or go back to what is familiar. There will surely be a Master who would take me on. Then all I would have to be concerned with is pleasing him and keep reminding myself to put me aside. Get it right for him and he will allow me pleasure through orgasm.
As I write it, even though I can see it is a mediocre existence it is tempting so that I avoid all the incredibly painful emotions of the supposed healthy route. Abstinence, fellowship, step work, therapy.
I think the difficulty was mixing the two. JH mixed the two and it was not as if we had a relationship based on anything first. It was the other way around. I don't understand to this day why he didn't just use his Masters voice to say that this is the way he wanted things and it was nothing to do with me. If he was comfortable with who and how he was he had not need to pretend - he had a willing and giving slave, me. Strange really.


Right now I want to follow the "healthier" route. That means I need to stay away. How close I was again to write to JH and ask if he would take me back as his slave and this time I would be a really good slave if he would show me how to be. Close. Anything other than feel the feelings I have. Which are even emerging through my dreams.
My friends are aware of the closeness to this but they don't know the completeness of my thinking - the sexual involvement. I think I need to see SC. He reminds me how I eroticise the anger.This is coinciding with some of the hormonal symptoms subsiding once again. And getting my figure back quickly too so feeling sexier day by day. God! It's so mixed up and complex.
I don't want to go to SLAA - I couldn't share about all this openly anyway. I could take on a sponsor again in SLAA.
IS there such a thing as normalised M/s relationships. Perhaps if in a loving relationship, it can be a way of spicing the sexuality in the relationship? Not everyone of course is addictive or has messy issues that they are covering up through sexual acting out. At the same time when I look at it from the outside, well it raises questions.
I have no idea what is normal or not. No idea at all.

So up at 7 am - out walking and back to write. I am studying this week. My final chance to catch up and I think I might be ready to return to work next week. I need to see my GP. I will call and book an appointment. I will call SC too for an appointment.

I wonder if JH continues to be fascinated and involved with M/s? I wonder if he is honest with ES and others? I wonder if he is making changes too or if he really is actually quite happy with the way he is?
Anyway I shall never know as he was unable to be open with me. I would never know what is the actual truth I suppose.

It was funny last evening as ML reminded me not to make contact. And not with any other man either. I agree that it would be right an proper! I need to focus on my feelings and find the way to heal them.

OK - at least I am lifted in my mood so that I am not suicidal. I can see a path that I would like to follow that seems good and loving. I enjoy company with my good friends, who are stimulating and inquisitive too. I thought I would be lost without JH to bring my attention to things but I find I have that inquisitive mind myself and therefore I encounter things on my own. Then my friends are similar and some actually bring new interests. I was not dependant at all on that from him, I just thought I was. In just the way I always used to think no one could match up to my dad. Wow how I see the patterns.

OK OK - phone calls - lots to do.
And a walk to look forward to this afternoon, a meeting this evening and then home to bed for an early night.

Bliss
XX

ps. I see how other people shut their heads down with TV. Not having had one for so long now I still have to find ways to try and slow down the thinking - escapism came through SL - appeased the constant desire to be interacting with people I think.

It's good to want art .....

A lovely day in Brighton, strolling around the Lanes, wondering in and out of art galleries and jewellry shops. As well as little design shops and various boutiques selling all sorts of wares. I really enjoy being in Brighton. If I had a lot of money, I would have a pad in London, a pad in Brighton and somewhere in the countryside of Hampshire. Ha ha, a pipe dream. The funny thing is I have been speaking about the awareness I have of the polar opposites in me. When I have owned properties I have wanted to downsize. And when downsized as I am now I think I want a property. I want to live in a City, I want to be in a country village. I want to isolated in my own little woods. I want to be beside the sea. I would like to learn to be satisfied in the moment and to learn to accept that I am completely diverse.
I think I have been like this for as long as I can remember. Is it wrong to be so extreme? Do I need to keep exploring all the interests I have or do I need to calm and pursue one?
Certainly it's brought a wriggly trail into my life to date. Similarly, when in a long term relationship I have wanted to be single and when single I would like to be in a loving relationship. Perhaps if I meet this person sometime I will find contentment and that person and I together will be ale to support and work through any times of difficulty together. Not run - him or me!!
Anyway, Brighton. A lovely day wandering around the Lanes and then the beach. Watching people, seeing things. It's such a lively place. So much art and bohemia.
In particular, one gallery I liked was Blue Dog Gallery.
http://www.bluedoggallery.co.uk/glass
I like that they are prepared to sell pieces and buyers can pay in installments. It makes some of the expensive pieces more affordable. There were one or two things I would really like. Then again I am in this pahse of thinking why have so many things? Downsize. I am not doing it because I am not sure that it is a general feeling of unrest.
At least I was able to track down the gallery details. A good bit of detective work from my photos - good job I took them with the shops opposite. In that way I could discover the street name and then using Google Maps take a walk down the road until I could see the gallery. However, the photos of the road were old and the gallery wasn't there. But when looking at Google Maps not the photos of the street, the gallery was listed and of course I had the picture of the blue dog in my photo. So if I change my mind I can contact them.
I think though I would rather have pieces that my friends have done. There' more precious personal value in that.

Actually I am so tired, I am going to bed.
Another week off. Still feeling completely off key but at least not suicidal now for several days. That is a relief as it seemed just a battle staying alive

Bliss
xx