Self will - interesting. A question my sponsor G asked of me this morning is what is this all about. It refers to the fact that I arranged to meet with G without speaking it through with anyone. And then what she doesn't know is that he stayed over and we had sex despite me saying I didn't want to. Of course the lust and the neediness took over and I agreed to. But it really wasn't and isn't what I wanted. Now I feel used even if that isn't what he's done. I have all sorts of suspicions about what he says and questioning if it is what he really means. I need to reel myself back in and take care of myself. Is this a similar pattern as I play out with my dad. There is the feeling of being reeled in and believing that I'm going to be grabbed and held onto, only to find that my dad has thrown me back oiut to sea as far as he can throw me.
That has been the pattern with him. Do I set up the same thing with men?
I DO NOT like the situation. I like G, the man underneath it all. The remarkable him with so many talents that are unhoned and as he says he has no ambition, no desire. Sounds similar to JB. He has the ambition with his music and wanting to create but seems to lose interest. I wonder if some of that is because no one has taken the interest. I don't think anyone was ever enthused for him as a child. Similarly with G. Living in children's homes I can see how devoid of encouragement and love his life had been. And I think that leaves a big hole. Similarly I have holes.
But this self will sponsor G was referring to is about me not involving her in EVERY little detail. It's true already I am not telling her all. I didn't tell her until the morning of the day G and I had arranged to meet. When in fact I had known for some days. On the day I was trying to convince myself that I would be boundaried and he would stay until 5pm either walking or at my house. And then I would say goodbye and have my meal and get to the AA meeting. It didn't happen that way. I really knew it wouldn't anyway but rather hoped it would.
I want him to want me and he said all the right things. I want to believe him but I don't trust him. I said that I don't want a relationship the way it clearly was. I love him and I like him. But I don't like his situation for me. He thought I was demanding and judging which I truly wasn't. It was just that the situation is not what I want for myself. I do not want to be a another person in a relationship. Albeit there was a togetherness despite her being married and G knowing that she would never leave her husband.
G admitted actually a couple of nights ago when he stayed over (yes we are back together and that;s more of this story of mine) that when he is in a sulky silence he wants me to know he has loads of texts coming in. Now how I'm thinking is that when he's in a moody with me he is sitting and texting D or Mrs E as she was known. I have started calling her by her name. I don't think he's comfortable with it but it makes if more real for me. He does call everyone Mrs this or Mr that. It's a sort of endearment I think, I'm not sure. But it distracts as well somehow. So have I told you the situation?
He was having an affair with D. He met her in the rooms. She is married and was then too. He became besotted with her it sounds. She is older than he is and hearing his stories this is a common theme. One woman, his therapist can you believe, was considerably older. Now I do wonder at the ethical practice of this woman. He talks about it as if it was a normal practice. I am abhorred to learn of yet another service provider getting involved with a client. It was really unpleasant observing all the chaos with I when he got together with his/our client. I remember feeling quite shocked to learn of the woman that took over the Vine in Aldershot was living with someone who had been her client in her previous role. It's so dangerous. So open to abuse of a position with vulnerable people. I will never say never but I am very committed to maintaining my ethical boundary. G questions me when I say that "never say never". I do not want to tempt fate by saying I would NEVER do something. Who can say but I can certainly work towards upholding that principle that I hold very dear.
It's the same with the practice of fidelity. I want to be loyal and faithful in my relationship and want to be trusted for that. I will NEVER say never but I want to keep working on a daily basis to uphold that. Similarly honesty. I want to be honest day to day. I am so not, in many little ways.
Writing my Step 4 is revealing so many things I am uncomfortable about. It really is quite an amazing Step 4 experience at the moment. I'm not sure I've seen in this way before when doing Step 4. Each one has had a value for me that's for sure.
I was writing this morning about my self will and selfishness. I want what I want when I want it. And sometimes this will be at the expense of many principles. For example I want to be with G. There are however many things about him that are not right for me. I am certainly not happy being with someone who spends so much time and has to lie to D to ensure he can still go to her home and be with the dogs. He doesn't want to lose that even though he isn't in a relationship with her. He tells me he finds her quite a turn off actually. I do wonder about that. He said all of that physical attraction went long ago. He likes her and more importanlt;y cares for her well-being. There is a loveliness about this but I also wonder about that. HIs friend Mrs Forest he calls her P, says his big mistake was telling me so openly about everything. I say the opposite. The truth will be revealed and that I trust in. So for the fact that I want what I want and what I want is his attention and for him to love me and want me. I want to feel loved and wanted. So I will forsake certain principles. For instance the situation, I will act as if I am accepting of it and trust what he says. I also overlook the fact that he has no money and no drive, no ambition. He never has he says. I wonder if this is similar with JB and if their lack of any real love and attnetion as chuldren has anything to do with this laziness and inertia really roots from some kind of developmental problem as a result of a lack of any real attention and encouragement. They are both really quite brilliant brains. A big capacity for knowledge and bot creative. And yet no desire to utilise that. Maybe it is nothing to do with the lack of loving attention and encourgament, maybe it is the creative brain which brings a degree of inertia. There is a distinct similarity though. What a great source of material for initiating a study and getting some understanding. There's the psychologist, the forensic as G would probably call me.
I overlook the fact that he is dirty and untidy, disrespectful without even knowing it I feel about dropping crumbs everywhere or taking off muddy shoes. I will have to set these boundaries I think because although I'm messy I don't want to have to clean up so often and therefore his mud and mess is making things much worse. I also don't want to and can't afford to take care of both of us financially. I need to be more boundaried. I want to afford to go to London FA and Brighton FA but because I was codependently spending out on G as well as myself I cannot afford these things this month.
So you see here are some things that I overlook because I want what I want. I do love him as a peson. He truly is brilliant and remarkable. And those bits I'm really not prepared to lsoe those things.
Bliss
That has been the pattern with him. Do I set up the same thing with men?
I DO NOT like the situation. I like G, the man underneath it all. The remarkable him with so many talents that are unhoned and as he says he has no ambition, no desire. Sounds similar to JB. He has the ambition with his music and wanting to create but seems to lose interest. I wonder if some of that is because no one has taken the interest. I don't think anyone was ever enthused for him as a child. Similarly with G. Living in children's homes I can see how devoid of encouragement and love his life had been. And I think that leaves a big hole. Similarly I have holes.
But this self will sponsor G was referring to is about me not involving her in EVERY little detail. It's true already I am not telling her all. I didn't tell her until the morning of the day G and I had arranged to meet. When in fact I had known for some days. On the day I was trying to convince myself that I would be boundaried and he would stay until 5pm either walking or at my house. And then I would say goodbye and have my meal and get to the AA meeting. It didn't happen that way. I really knew it wouldn't anyway but rather hoped it would.
I want him to want me and he said all the right things. I want to believe him but I don't trust him. I said that I don't want a relationship the way it clearly was. I love him and I like him. But I don't like his situation for me. He thought I was demanding and judging which I truly wasn't. It was just that the situation is not what I want for myself. I do not want to be a another person in a relationship. Albeit there was a togetherness despite her being married and G knowing that she would never leave her husband.
G admitted actually a couple of nights ago when he stayed over (yes we are back together and that;s more of this story of mine) that when he is in a sulky silence he wants me to know he has loads of texts coming in. Now how I'm thinking is that when he's in a moody with me he is sitting and texting D or Mrs E as she was known. I have started calling her by her name. I don't think he's comfortable with it but it makes if more real for me. He does call everyone Mrs this or Mr that. It's a sort of endearment I think, I'm not sure. But it distracts as well somehow. So have I told you the situation?
He was having an affair with D. He met her in the rooms. She is married and was then too. He became besotted with her it sounds. She is older than he is and hearing his stories this is a common theme. One woman, his therapist can you believe, was considerably older. Now I do wonder at the ethical practice of this woman. He talks about it as if it was a normal practice. I am abhorred to learn of yet another service provider getting involved with a client. It was really unpleasant observing all the chaos with I when he got together with his/our client. I remember feeling quite shocked to learn of the woman that took over the Vine in Aldershot was living with someone who had been her client in her previous role. It's so dangerous. So open to abuse of a position with vulnerable people. I will never say never but I am very committed to maintaining my ethical boundary. G questions me when I say that "never say never". I do not want to tempt fate by saying I would NEVER do something. Who can say but I can certainly work towards upholding that principle that I hold very dear.
It's the same with the practice of fidelity. I want to be loyal and faithful in my relationship and want to be trusted for that. I will NEVER say never but I want to keep working on a daily basis to uphold that. Similarly honesty. I want to be honest day to day. I am so not, in many little ways.
Writing my Step 4 is revealing so many things I am uncomfortable about. It really is quite an amazing Step 4 experience at the moment. I'm not sure I've seen in this way before when doing Step 4. Each one has had a value for me that's for sure.
I was writing this morning about my self will and selfishness. I want what I want when I want it. And sometimes this will be at the expense of many principles. For example I want to be with G. There are however many things about him that are not right for me. I am certainly not happy being with someone who spends so much time and has to lie to D to ensure he can still go to her home and be with the dogs. He doesn't want to lose that even though he isn't in a relationship with her. He tells me he finds her quite a turn off actually. I do wonder about that. He said all of that physical attraction went long ago. He likes her and more importanlt;y cares for her well-being. There is a loveliness about this but I also wonder about that. HIs friend Mrs Forest he calls her P, says his big mistake was telling me so openly about everything. I say the opposite. The truth will be revealed and that I trust in. So for the fact that I want what I want and what I want is his attention and for him to love me and want me. I want to feel loved and wanted. So I will forsake certain principles. For instance the situation, I will act as if I am accepting of it and trust what he says. I also overlook the fact that he has no money and no drive, no ambition. He never has he says. I wonder if this is similar with JB and if their lack of any real love and attnetion as chuldren has anything to do with this laziness and inertia really roots from some kind of developmental problem as a result of a lack of any real attention and encouragement. They are both really quite brilliant brains. A big capacity for knowledge and bot creative. And yet no desire to utilise that. Maybe it is nothing to do with the lack of loving attention and encourgament, maybe it is the creative brain which brings a degree of inertia. There is a distinct similarity though. What a great source of material for initiating a study and getting some understanding. There's the psychologist, the forensic as G would probably call me.
I overlook the fact that he is dirty and untidy, disrespectful without even knowing it I feel about dropping crumbs everywhere or taking off muddy shoes. I will have to set these boundaries I think because although I'm messy I don't want to have to clean up so often and therefore his mud and mess is making things much worse. I also don't want to and can't afford to take care of both of us financially. I need to be more boundaried. I want to afford to go to London FA and Brighton FA but because I was codependently spending out on G as well as myself I cannot afford these things this month.
So you see here are some things that I overlook because I want what I want. I do love him as a peson. He truly is brilliant and remarkable. And those bits I'm really not prepared to lsoe those things.
Bliss
