Slumped and dumb - the only action, chewing gum!

Would you believe, Bliss, that here, in the unseen, just a breath away from "there," in time and space, we have gardens with such sweet fragrances they actually caress passersby? That we have melodies so rich you can actually see them dancing through the air? And colors so exquisite they tickle all of your senses?

That there are planets where everyone knows each other's names? Where flying comes naturally to all? And some have moons that hum lullabies each night?
Yet as spectacular as the infinite choices are, would you further believe that there's still quite a queue, several moonbeams long, to get back "there"? Where for every heart beating, there's a legend in the making.
You have no idea.
"NEXT!"
The Universe
 
I am trying to remember that when I am irked or irritated by someone else it is something within me and that I would like to practice accepting peoples differences and be able to smile at their nuances.
 
I got very angry with a work collegue this week, V. It seemed to me that she was getting herself very involved with 2 of the female clients whilst PD was away. One was an anorexic and the other has some social services involved. V was spinning the tale to suit what she thoght we shpould be doing and un dermining what I was saying and organising. On Friday she came back into the team without knowing the full story and determined that things should be done her way, when out of the office she made decisions based on what she wanted us to be doing.
I didn;t have the full facts to hand so when I was angry I could not and did not want to make statements that were not accurate so let her argue her case onl. On Saturday I went abouet getting all the facts together.
I told her I was angry that she had made decisions against what was already organised and in place. I said it wasn;t about the detail but that I needed to express my anger and preference. I said that I could hear she had some impotant and good suggestions which I would pass on to pD.
When I gave her the facts she started then blmaing the Consultant Psychiatrist for not informeing her correctly. Grrrr - can feel my annoyance as I write this.
Anyway - what I realised is that the more V wanted to get involved and seemingly undermine me the less I listened to her suggestions and actually worked in the complete opposite manner. I was also worried about us getting too involved with something that could result in us making grave mistakes but can see in hindsight that we could really really offer some good support for our client.
I do not like how I acted throughout this even though at the end of the day I was accurate in my facts.
I want to learn from this please Universe. I need to think more on it and write more about it.
 
Today my Master set an assignment for me -
I would like you to use your iphone
(cam app, self timer, if you like stitch too) to make me a minimum of 5 pictures in very different approach, each of good quality, featuring your bare breasts.
At least one out of these should show you on all fours.
I need you to review each pic yourself, and pick favourites.
I would like these on sunday eve before we speak, through email.
I would like these on sunday eve before we speak, each in a seperate email.

Please let me know you received and understood, or feel free to ask me for any clarification.

On receiving such an assignment I have mixed feelings. I am excited about being asked to do something that potentially could please Master. At the same time there is all the fear of not being good enough and then also the use of the photos. I trust Master fully and know that he would not harm me in anyway and only do what is right for me us him.
Having looked through a blog recently of sexually explicit photos I did wonder if he wanted them to be used in this way.
Here are his comments on receipt of the completed assignment:
Mmm thank you for your efforts my love and slave-



There are some succesful pics there that I really love, thank you-
Here's what I think:
Flash is not a very good idea.. It is always too harsh and kills every sense of atmosphere.

I like the way you look in 'varried 060'- I love that you wear my collar and I love the view in your mirror- Too bad that your breasts dont show, but I like your butt, too- :)

I like Varried 61, too. and 56, although not entirely sharp.

I like you holding your breasts, very much- Wonder how it would look wihout the flash..

I have some suggestions:

Reclining on your sofa- probably legs up on some-

On all fours from different angles- lower, hightr, front, side, etc.- hollow your back please, no flash..)

Thank you my love and my slave, looking forward to seeing you soon-
 
I am surprised that being a slave is so arousing for me. I enjoyed taking the pictures even though I am anxious about how awful I look.
I am eager to learn how to please Master and will attempt to improve upon the photos for him.
 
I found looking through web pages with sexually explicit photos with Master and my love, very arousing indeed.
It was interesting discovering the photos he found pleasing and his reasons for it.
I have issues of insecurity that what he sees is what he would prefer other tyhan me and I do not fit the women he is looking at at all. My love and Master (Ithink we were mainy lovers at that time) commented on how some of the photos were aesthetically pleasing but some were because thats what he wanted from me or for himself.
I could relate.
I also found it embarrassing to try and say which ones I liked. I think the embarrassment is that by saying that I liked any might make me look peverted.
This is all very new territoty for me. But all of it is very sexually exciting.
WIw I am even finding writing this quite embarrassing. I am a novice at being so explicit about what pleases me or not.
I like being a salve as well as I have choice removed. I must do as required of me which takes me into realms of discovery - things I might balk at or say no to incase I was thought of as bad. The demand on me itself is exciting as well as the act involved. Master is very gentle with me I think.
I am being obedient again this week with my requrements - ie stroking myself whenever i visit the toilet.
I must drink water with coffee which goes against everything I have ever done!!!!!
Some times Master is more prominent than others.
I was advised by Snaga that with her lover/Master relationship she always has that she is slave and lover in mind in all instances.
I am trying to learn this.
Sometimes the slave is more prominent in me and at other times I am lover and in love and the slave is very quiet.
I feel very much the slave at the moment - waiting for Master to be available to see me. I feel love. But I also feel that I have few if any rights. It's amazing how this gets stronger the more sexually aroused I am.
It's as if I let go of control more. Master takes full power over me at this point. I would do anything and silence my enquiring mind too.
When I have wondered mometarily if Master is telling me openly about his day then as a lave I remember I have no right to know and then stop even the thinking. As lover the thought can linger and fester.
I know this is based on still learning to trust competely adn just as being open and honest entirely is a learning curve for my love JH, then for me to trust is a very very new experience, This all is taking time.
Trust I think is earnt. Behaviours and attitudes reveal the person and whether they are trustworthy.
I need to be gentle with myself and aloow myself to grow this with time and evidence.
Just funny though how as a slave I can know my lace instantly and curb the thinking.
I think this would make keeping a person in slave mode attractive but of course the love element would surely diminish?
 
It is an interesting journey that I am making. I am sure a lot of people would find this quite peverse or worrying. I find this completely differently.
Master is not cruel and there is nothing addictive about this entire relationship I believe.
I find it loving and lovely.
 
I am now waiting longingly for Master to summon me and my lover to be with me.
 
Bliss
X

I haven't had a handbag since oooooo 1980 something ....

Bliss, you know the way, you're strong enough, and you will prevail.
Otherwise, what would be the whole point?
The Universe
 
I don't carry a handbag. I haven't liked them for as long as I can remember. There is something so very, very girly about it. And I realise there are some really girly things that I just don't get pleasure from at all. I do wonder if it's because of the contempt I picked up from my dad towards women being women. He used to tell me that women were only good for one thing. I took that to mean sex of course. He sneered at women for snivelling as he called crying and for being weak. He was scathing about women being int he army and such things. So, no doubt that has been an influence. He told me when I was very young that he had never wanted children and that he especially didn't want a girl. Now it was undoubtedly true and his opinion but it wasn't appropriate to tell me as a little girl. I absorbed that so entirely that the very core of me exists as unwanted and worthless. It is hard to challenge the belief that sits in the very centre of my heart.
The point is not what I intended to write about. It's funny how a blank page instigates so much thought and energy.
Anyway, back to the handbag. There is another part of me that just can't be bothered with the whole carrying energy. It has to sit just right on the shoulder. I think my shoulders are shaped differently - maybe that contributes to not feeling girly too then. The flipping strap is always sliding off and I was forever having to slip the handle back up my shoulder. Plus I had this feeling of something on my shoulder all the time. And I was messy - everything went into the bag. I remember carrying my cigarettes (thank goodness I have given up - 6 years ago now! Well, 6 years ago next month I think) and there was always little bits of tobacco in the bottom of my bag and it would get on other things. Finding things in a hurry was impossible. Funnily enough I had a special place for fags and lighter - make sure I knew where my addictive substance was at all times and easy access for instant relief. So having a handbag was not at all convenient for me.
I don;t remember when but I decided not to have one and have been carrying everything in my hand. It has been a juggling act - now money and mobile phone mainly but at one time - money, phone, fags, lighter. I was forever dropping things. And friends get fed up with me because when out for an evening or even now just out for a walk or something, I always say can I put my things in your bag please?
Apparently K used to buy a bag large enough to take my things too. She actually prepared for an evening out with me in that way. I suspect there is some resentment from these people but they always say yes. So I have learnt not to be co dependant and if they say yes that's their own issue.
However, I know that I need to be responsible for my choice not to have a handbag.
Now there is also another thing - probably linked with my thoughts on what it is to be girly or female. It is that I am not fitting into a cliche. I like, really like it that I am not the same as everyone else. And rather than just to be content that I am unique as is everyone, I like these very open signs that I am slightly different. I like it when someone notices my nuances that really are making a statement.
This is a part but not the largest part. I really don;t like handbags. I barely even notice other peoples handbags apart from to wonder if it will take my money and mobile. I know it is such a fashion thing for many people but I don't even recognise the design,colour, etc. So it's more than just a statement by it's absence in my life. I am pleased about this as I really don;t want my choices to be run by ego and prefer that my steps are less in anger (i.e. rebellion against social ways) and more in simple personal preference.
 
This morning I spoke with ML. The last time I spoke with her was a very very quick phone call to tell her my mum was dead. Before that? Well her daughter is 20 something. We have had a brief encounter in that time maybe once of twice.
I tracker her down after years of having her in my mind. I occasionally glanced in various places for her and then suddenly I thought that maybe she would be on Facebook. Something actually triggered that thought - I think it was a combination of some cousins suddenly asking for friendship with me and then the whole International thing being so easy. Anyway I guess all these little things were formulating to slowly, slowly dawn on me to look for her there. She wasn't there of course and today I learnt that she "hates that thing". Wow it's lovely hearing a ML expression! :)
Anyway through a process of elimination or rather connection I located J who I believed to be her husband. I hoped that they were still together as I remember my mum once suspecting that ML was having an affair. My mum was attracted to drama as me he he.
Anyway the next thing is J accepted my FB friendship and sent an email with ML's mobile phone number. Wow. I sent her text and this morning we spoke. It was brief and at times I know she did not understand all I was saying.
She spoke a little about her children and her work and now non-work!
She asked a little about my mum which was lovely - no white elephants in the room. She also said that my dad had written to her telling of his circumstances i.e re-marrying I think I understood. Ugh it was horrid when she said she always loved my dad and was so upset with herself for never responding to him. I said that I am still angry with him for re-marrying like he did and Ml was so gracious when she said how she had always loved him and what he did he did but she was still so fond of him. At least that means he didn't do anything bad to her. I was always worried that he might or even at one time that they seemed far too close. Maybe I was just jealous as he was never like that with me - YUCH!!!!
Well I have sent my email address and we both said that we would like to keep in contact. She asked if I ever visit France and I said that i would love to visit her.
Oh happily her mum and dad are both alive and well. And G is living in Annecy with her parents. Gosh they must be very ancient now. I am so so pleased to reignite this contact.
I have known Ml since we were 12 or 13.
 
So then I telephoned my dad. He had left a message yesterday morning. Of course I felt guilty for not being in yet again and had to justify myself by explaining that I had been at work. Sometimes I don't feel the need to justify my guilt. And sometimes I recognise the guilt and can change it as I have actually done nothing wrong at all.
Gosh! My dad actually said that he felt proud of me in relation to my studying and how I have been doing. That's amazin. My dad has never said anything like that before. I am sure I prompted it last year when  got angry but honest with him. The fact is that he said it. I could hear how difficult it was for him to say. I simply said thank you. He then went on to say he didn't know where I got it from - it wasn't from my mum or him is what he said. I immediately jumped to defend my mum and said that i thought mum was very clever and he was intelligent. He said thank you.
He has a real intelligence. He has a brain with potential but it seems that he has never realised his full potential. Or maybe for him he did being in the army and special forces etc. Maybe that was what he wanted. But for me he is shrouded in a lot of anger and pain and that has stopped him ever believeing in himself. He has been violent and aggressive in attitude in an attempt to try and keep something away or prove himself. I don;t know all that is behind this very shut off man. But if I look at him like I would a client it is apparent that a lot is going on underneath the very angry and at times nasty man. I wish for him that he finds peace within his soul. I hope that he can find contentment through life and not have to wait for death for the an guish to be removed. I hope he finds self forgiveness completely.
I cry as I weite that ebcause I know that I will never be a part of that contentment and forgiveness. I will not feature and have to find my own solace from all the things that he did to me as a child. I have to find forgiveness for him and for myself. It's hard and I lng for him to envelop me in proper fatherly love. BUT I can never aloow myself to get that close to him and what's more he will not let me anywhere near him.
He is but another human being on this planet. Somehow the Universe has worked it that there is this special feeling between children and parents - evolution - survival of the gene etc I am sure. Well it can be the downfall as well. OK so the gene has survived in me but the gene dies out in this strand as I have never ever wanted to have children and that's been contributed greatly by my own childhood. I have absolutely no regrets but it's irobnic how the evolutionary development of this "bonding" emotion actually can also work against the very purpose.
I did not pluck up the courage to ask for my dads finacial help. I want to borrow some money. I need my car MOT's, I would loike to have my hair cut and coloured, I need to pay a little debt I have accrued and am worried about and I want to start getting some savings back on track. Oh not to mention the irresponsible phone bill I have managed to run up. Anyway, I would like to asl my dad for help but have not got the courage because of what he might think!
I also men tione dto him about my fortcoming exam and how I am taking it at home. He enquired as to why but I did not tell him that it's special arrangements due to dyslexia etc. I believe that he would immediately be critical in a very negative manner and that would of course completely negate his feeling proud of me. He would think I cheat and am lesser a being etc etc. So i brushed it off as just the way of OU. He is not a stupid man and the lie or rather hiding of the truth will have been sensed anyway. Gosh! How many times do I say that to JH - I am afraid to be sho I am with my dad because he hates me so much already. Everything about me gives him more evidence that I am worhtless and to be hated.
Thank goodness I am growing out of this as me in the bigger world.I am pleased to be me and my whole truth. I am less and less aashamed of me.
This morning I was saying to JH how pleased I am that I have principles that I can hold for myself and I do not allow to be compromised just so that I am acceptable. And by holding this dear and important o me I can allow this dignity to others.
I get it Universe. I see how it works. Thank you. It's a pity it has to be learnt - it seems to me that living decently is not so easy to dio for many people I encounter. Does it really have to be experienced though such adversity. Or is it that some people do not need to pay attention as much as I do. They are just going along mainly in the white light? It's just the smaller number who see the black and the grey and have to keep turning to face the light?
 
 
Anyway, these two phone calls this morning raise again feelings from the past. Memories, reconnection, an array of emotions. It's gone, it's experiences, it's missing in some ways - not here today, things can never be re-hashed. Some things can be re-addressed but things with my mum for example can never be discussed or done differently with new knowledge. I miss her. Hers and my dads wedding anniversary was on 1st October - AGAIN! I didn't acknowledge it with my dad. Well after all he is married now to T. I have so much resentment towards her, him, them. Please Universe can you help me to let go of that.
I try to remember that I am grateful to her for looking after him. There was no way when my mum died was able to try and have a relationship with him. I was only just starting to pull away from his clutches and then start to look at the effects of my childhood with him So to then become involved because he was on his own. So it was good that he had already met her in some ways.
Grr there's another resentment - him and other women. He never had the decency to leave my mum and I - ignore her principles of monogamy and go behind her back. How disrespectful is that!! Do it by all means that's everyone's individual choice. But what irks me intensely is that people do it without respecting those with different principles and the only way they can  do that is to lie. Let people with similar principles gather.
None of them I am actually judging. What I am judging is the deceit - pretending to be the same but not being. And there is an power game in that even if that's not a conscious thing. My dad kept my mum under false pretences. If he had been honest I truly believe my mum would have stood by him. However all her choices were removed by his deceit and deviousness. Grrr.
And T was a part of that. She knew he was married and that my mum was dying. No fucking decency in her. But what annoys me is not that but how fucking pious she proclaims to be. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I HATE HATE HATE the fucking pretence. Own it, be OK with who you are and if you have to hide it then fucking well change!!!!!! Don;t drag everyone else with you on a fucking lie.
 
Oh yes angry! Anyway not much acceptance and serenity yet as you can see.
I can rage about this. It taps straight into the rage that still exists of a little raped girl. Wow that rage is volcanic in me at times. I feel an energy that explodes within me. I recognise it and then can calm with gentle hugs and love for the little raging girl within me. I have to do it! I can get angry about that fact alone. But it's how it is. No one else can do it. The people that could - well my mum is dead and never seemed to know ow to and my dad - well he is the perpetrator. Nothing he says or does can take away from that.
I don't even think him owning up to is and saying sorry would be enough - well maybe.
Yes maybe it would but it would have to be a complete ownership - a half hearted something would mean little. After all he has half heartedly owned things in the past but then nothing changed. Yes that's it an ownership then a real display of a change in attitude and behaviour.
 
Oh I forget once again to say thank you and how much I appreciated as a little girl how he supported my horse riding. And he really did. If it had been up to my mum I would never have gone and then never achieved what I did. I loved my horse riding and my horse and yes just the whole environment. Thank you dad.
 
I have more to write - work, ET. Another Post
 
Bliss