People who judge harshly towards me will not be close, long term friends.
However where is the balance of receiving people's opinions when they are questioning my beliefs ad values. To maintain an open mind would be helpful.
It's normal for insecurities to be heightened when in a new relationship. It happens to everyone. With a addict using and insecurities would be lethal. Thank goodness I have my food recovery in place. It is such a help to not have the body image insecurities.
It's so helpful speaking with some people. I have realised that already I am not being entirely honest with my new sponsor. She is not aware that G is staying every night. There is no plan either for him to leave despite us talking a while ago about having some time apart. I think I'd like it planned rather than him suddenly saying well I'm going to have a night away. When we spoke about that last evening he said that if I suddenly wanted a night alone he would wonder what I'm actually planning. Here is a good example of the insecurity and lack of trust.
Therefore I do think it would be good to plan something into our "not living together" scenario. Pah! He's been here over 2 weeks now and apart from me working and a couple of visits with friends, we've been together. And this last week and 2 days I've been on annual leave as well so even more time together. it's remarkable in some ways that we've spent all this together and had only a few periods of time in shut down.
We had a moment on Sunday. I made judgemental comments about people having affairs. My motives behind my udgements were fear based of course. My fear that if G still thinks it's okay to have affairs then it would be possible for him to cheat on me. How the hell can I of all people make such a judgement about this type of behaviour. Never say never is one thought and I have a history of breaking such trusts. I had affairs when in relationships and I also had affairs with men in relationships. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it regardless of any morals or principles.
Not to mention my resentment with my father for his flirtations with women and the belief that he was seeing T before my mum was even buried. How dare he do that to my mum. Especially when I believe that she had been so loyal to him. She adored him. I have wondered whether there had ever been any infidelities. The opportunities were there with all her travelling. And she was vivacious and flirty. Ad whilst my mum could appear naughty I also felt that she was very strongly principled. Somewhat prudish I could often think. Different values I suppose.
Anyway G quite rightly said that I was not listening to his actual experience and instead judging the behaviour. He was trying to tell me about meeting a particular woman and one thing leading to another resulting in them having an affair. She was married. Mrs E is married too. Now I can see how I wasn't listening and that it wasn't the case now. Perhaps I was too pointing out something that doesn't sit so comfortably with him. The fact that he chooses unavailable women for relationships is one thing. But also I was saying that it is not okay for people to actually carry through the attraction knowing there is someone else involved. Where is a persons integrity and dignity too when there is another partner? Where is self restraint in all of this. If desire is so powerful then no one would be faithful, trustworthy and loyal. The funny thing is the other way around G would be so hurt. I'm not sure what it was actually that was touched in him but the Port Cullis dropped down heavily. I said you seem angry. He said "it doesn't matter". Then there were long silences with the gap between me on my settee and him in his smoking retreat very obvious. The string was severed. As a result the drawbridge was raised. Very powerful imagery of not only the distance between us but the barriers.
I felt initially frustrated and fed up. Wondering to myself if I can be bothered if this is how it is going to be every time. I felt suddenly strong and powerful thinking just get out. But there was also a voice saying work through this. This is G and I have strong feelings of LOBE for him (load of bollocks emotion, as we've sort of nick-named it). I ant to see how it is to accept someone as they are. I'm doing something similar with M. It is perhaps easier to do when loving someone for who they are. And I do. I love M and G for the person I know and meet on a daily basis. I am wondering if I am falling in LOBE with G. There are strong feelings. and I am hoping not to become overly attached and needy. I did that before. Every time in fact and very early on. So this is similar perhaps. BUT there are many things that are very new - INTIMACY (into me you see). The open and honest sharing. I managed to tell him the truth about having been married 3 times. It came up as we were talking about being honest. I can't remember what it was that had been raised about honesty but I just knew it wasn't sitting comfortably that he'd asked about how many times I'd been married. I skirted over the number. Fear and shame. Well the truth is I've been married 3 times and I discussed the details. Oh this had led on from him asking me about terminations of pregnancy - abortion the common word. Ugh however much I hate to say it this was a part of my history too. I know this had an affect on G. It was more that he thought I hadn't thought to mention it to him. There we go again you see that distrust through emission - secrecy. A form of dishonesty.
I am learning through G about honesty. Sometimes though I don;t know what my truth is. I think I am so air-headed the truth is dependant on the very moment. I wonder if I am a pathological liar and have no idea of what the actual truth is. I am frightened by this.
As the day went on with G things did loosen up but not entirely. Only yesterday were we able to relax again with each other. The Port Cullis and Drawbridge are great images of how we both back off from the situation. There are doubts from both of us. It's amazing that G is howing that we can be open about this. I have instances of wondering what the hell I'm doing.
Is it going too fast? IS he aware of what he's doing by staying here permanently? Wondering if it's simply somewhere to be rather than in his own Pit and alone feeling lonely? Do I really want to be involved with someone who has such an emotional attachement to someone else and is keeping that going too? Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with someone who does not want to earn a proper income and how this will cramp any desires to do things and go places. I sometimes look at him ad don't see the attractive person I see at other times. Oddly I have no issue with his issues in connection with sex. I think actually in this matter we are both facing our issues - this is where I feel safest strangely.
The perosn I've met thus far overall though I have feelings of LOBE for. And at times I think I am in LOBE, whatever that means.
And with M too there have been ongoing discussion, claridying misunderstandings here and there. We went to see Rust and Bone. Wow! I really did enjoy this film. I would recommend anyone to see it but these days I am reluctant to do so as I realise it's such a personal thing. Music, films, art, books etc are all personal. Images or ideas or sounds that get right inside me may not be what other find interesting or inspiring. I think I have a passion in me and so I'm easily stimulated by many things. I am like a child who sees everything as pretty colours. I think I like this idea. There are of course some things that just don't "do it" for me. That is indication that there is a degree of discretion and censoring. Phew that goodness.
Anyway Rust and Bone was for me an emotional roller coatser. Havng read the reviews and it getting good press I knew a little about the woman becoming crippled. Knowing this the tension that built in me around the particular building up of that event was excrutiating. I wanted to turn away and for the event not to happen. Of course it did as this was the beginning of interactions of people and their lives.
And this French film interwove different threads and personalities. Different backgrounds and values interwoven and conflicting. I want to know more about each of the people. I also want to know if the leading lady has amputated legs or if this was done through digital cameras. It was so convincing I am left questioning this. The acting was so convincing generally, from the child to the sister to the main characters and anyone that travelled into view. I would like more films of this calibre.
During the film I had a funny thought. What if anything happened to G (he is continuning the inestigation into what appears to be angina) and no one knew to contact me? I was aware that he was doing some work. Having already commented on how rude I find it when people are talking, especially of serious matters, and they turn away to attend to an incoming call or text message. with M I also get offended when we are talking and she is completely distracted, not even an associated thought or focus. I either need to let go of that or tell her. I usually feel disappointed and uhm a word for a feeling I don't know how to describe. There is a sort of sadness as if I am uninteresting and something that matters to me is boring her to the extent that she cannot hold concentration. I feel ignored and unimportant. My trust is questioned and I wonder why I bother to try and talk about the thins that matter to me when they are so unimportant to her anyway. Interesting as it is so important to M that she feels heard. I was relieved that she is beginning to see that other people are also afraid and insecure. She seems to have thought everything is being done to her and everyone else is confidant and settled. She then went on immediately to say how is she supposed to know unless she is being informed. It's almost autistic in her approach.
G was sleeping away in the other room and has now awoken.
As H said to me this morning, God is in this relationship with me. I am not alone. He has had my back covered thus far. A long ife of incredible risks but here I am still alive and ready for the daily adventures of life. Things don't just happen.
What is this situation with B as well? I think I'll have to write anoteh time about this. The fear the utter fear that I have of being me in front of other people. I don't want to tell people who I am - their disapproval? I don't know - there is more to be written though.
Off for now
Bliss
xx
p.s. I am going to meet with Lelung Rinpoche this morning. G and I are good for each other as I will get about getting this organised as a result of G being there. He will go along if I do the organising. We can be so good for wach other. Lets develope the positives and not let the destructives things destroy. It's about being away of the potential lethal weapons not pretneding they don't exist.
xx
