I bet you're wondering - FA?????? OK well maybe you're not. Sweet FA, Fanny Adams? What is FA.
It's been a wonderful experience for me.
It started when my friend T got involved. She started the programme and lost so much weight. But more than that she was glowing from the inside and her life started changing beautifully. I begged her to help me as I was feeling gloomy about being me. She told me more about FA and as I was going to stay with her soon suggested I could see what her daily routine is and follow along if I wished. Before I went to visit, I emailed FA in the USA and was given a UK number. I promptly archived their reply. Tch! Typical me. But after my visit with T I was truly enthused. I called B, the number on the email from the USA. There were several attempts at contact but messages left by both of us. Eventually we spoke. She said she would be delighted to sponsor me and asked if I would go to any lengths. Desperately I said yes, nodding vigorously as if she would be able to see me. BUT ... ha ha - any lengths except that one or that one and certainly not that one. I felt indignant when B suggested I needed to get to bed early and get up earlier. And after all my mum had tried so hard from when I was a little girl to get me to go to bed early so I was hardly going to start taking such an order from a stranger and a mere sponsor. I get up now at 5.15 am so that I have time to get ready but also enjoy my half hour of quiet time. I cherish that quiet time now and love the fact my day is longer from the off-set not at the end of the day when I am tired and floppy.
And then for a wile I wasn't eating within the suggested time frames but didn't tell B. Eventually I told her after thinking I had about 20 odd days abstinence. But B suggested I re-start at day 1. I felt naughty and rebellious and it felt good. I even colluded with T who had also been put back as we called it. Honestly! Who were we kidding. When that idea crossed my thoughts I just smiled at myself, well guffawed. Who was I doing this for. So I came clean with my sponsor B. And started doing things properly. Meal times have become sacrosanct as well as bed times. In fact I don;t actually like being up much after 10pm now and love the early morning as I've already mentioned. I am eating cleanly. The food is simple, almost dumbing down the taste buds. When I do have something that's salty for example I can really taste the salt for a long time afterwards and it's not pleasant. Cheese for example is oh so salty. Isn;t it funny how fish isn't yet they live in salt water. I do find white fish can be very uhmmmmmm dry and boring if I have to muc of it especially. Seabass is great though and I don't tire of it as I don't with salmon either. Well so far.
So my current food plan is ...
Breakfast - 1oz oats, 8oz fat free natural yoghurt, 1 piece of fruit or 6oz berries
Lunch - 4oz protein, 6oz cooked veg (only 1 type of veg), 6oz mixed salad, 1 tbsp dressing (I use Paul Newman's balsamic as recommended by B)
Dinner - 4oz protein, 6oz cooked veg (as above), 8oz mixed salad, 2 tbsp dressing (as above)
That's it folks. The weighing and measuring is crucial and needs to be accurate. It's amazing how much freedom I've got suddenly from food as a result of weighing and measuring.
I call my sponsor every morning - 6:15 weekdays and 7:15 weekends. I cherish the 15 minutes with her every day. I talk about all and sundry. I forget sometimes to talk about the little things and of course they play on my mind. I write down my food plan and give that to her every day. Commitment to that food plan is crucial too. I have never been so committed to sticking with things precisely and if things have to alter I call and check it out and keep it clean.
For example there was a power cut in the Hindhead tunnel one evening. This brought the traffic to a complete standstill for a long time really. I was anxious about my meal time and called B. She suggested eating in the car with my fingers as I had my food with me. It never even occurred to me!!! But B was gentle and eased my panic reminding me that my motives were clean. I did not expect this incident and things happen. I have to be careful though that I don't allow things to simply slide because things happen. I need to be boundaried about my eating times. Similarly on Christmas day I was a guest at my lovely friend's home. Dinner was served at 2pm. It was acceptable - again my motive was pure. And I did eat in the evening at my time, asking if I could eat and keeping my boundaries. In the past I would have been too shy and uncomfortable to say that I needed to eat. I ate and chatted whilst everyone got on with what they wanted to do. I ate alone and it was OK. well chatting to L's father. Very interesting conversation about his time training and working as a therapist with the police. I enjoyed his company very much. And her bro too. What a lovely Christmas day and how grateful I feel to have been invited to be a part of their family day.
Anyway, yes the tastes are simple and I am never hungry. However, the food cravings were rapacious on Tuesday. I spent Christmas day as I explained and then on Boxing Day I travelled to A's. K and M were there as well of course as G and R. We went for a walk with the dogs. Actually G and R rested as they weren't feeling so well. G cooked a lovely salmon and they also kindly accommodated my food requirements. L's mum was great. Out came the scales at both homes and allowed me to precisely weight and measure. Now on Christmas night, L had a very distrubed sleep. I was sharing her bed with her. So my sleep was also disturbed. That in itself wasn't a problem. I was aware of the disturbance but actually am very tolerant of such situations. But man was I tired on Boxing Day. Also there was a lot of traffic and so the journey was troublesome. I cut across country and arrived an hour late. Hence my lunch was late due to the circumstances. A few days on missed timings. Anyway I was feeling very bland all day and so was my food. There were of coruse chocolates, mince pies, ice cream etc. Even writing these things down is troubling. We played games into the evening. m was very funny and felt very bland, even more so. I was wondering if I was going to become as bland as some of the people I've met. Forgetting actually about those that are full of character and fun. B is one of them. She is very gentle but I underestimated the depth to her.
Eventually I got home late on Boxing Day. It was good to be home. I slept well, up early for my morning to call to my temporary food plan sponsor as B was away. And then that day was an endless battle with cravings. I wanted something. Anything! I wanted more than I had. But I think this was a soul yearning. Nothing was or would have been enough. I was tired and this was a big part of it all I think. But also having had two lovely days after worrying about loneliness and intrusion and social phobias. It had been lovely and easy. What I hadn't prepared for was the after shock. I was worried that actually I am just becoming boring with simple foods and so measured. There is no spice and variety - I keep remembering though on one phone call I made to S when I was complaining that I wanted a nice homemade veggie soup and mourning that I cannot have this again. She asked what I thought I would get from this soup. I said I was longing for the cosy, warm feeling. I added that of course there would be lovely warm bread too. There is no flour or sugar for me you see. I am abstinent actually since 24 October (my mums birthday). Oh my gosh these cravings were powerful. I made a couple of calls. I could have made more. In the end it was all I could do to get my head on the pillow and be grateful that I ended the day without having picked up anything. Alcohol had been shouting loudly too. A very convincing argument that it wasn't really my problem and now I'd scuppered myself as it has sugar in it's contents so because of FA I couldn't drink. Gosh! I wanted something to take me away from this feeling of wanting.
So I applied the same though process as S had asked me. What did I want from the food. I wanted something and at times I didn't even know what it was. I thought about wanting excitement and variety and wondered why I couldn't get that in some other way, a healthier way? I tried doing different things - such as listening to a talking book, watching a couple of movies. I texted all day to M. That got me through I think but wasn't necessarily the healthiest choice. I don't want to get re-addicted to using technology. If I pick up my phone I need to call and speak to someone. It's less likely that that will go on all day. I did speak with T later and she was having a similar day. She had also put something in her mouth from the table and was feeling so angry about this. I was grateful I hadn't as it had crossed my mind. She assured me that I wouldn't become bland. I am not convinced. But I remember thinking tis about recovery before - that "they" will turn me into the bland robots that they all are. All serene and boring!! Ha ha ha. How I fight against balance. It seems boring. It's not enough for me. But I am thankful to my HP that all that food is not my food for today. I am grateful for more learning. And that all that craving passed. the past two days have been calmer and easier by far. I loved yesterday, visiting Tate Modern with A to see the Gerhard Richter exhibition.
I am learning through talking with otehrs to deal with little things that trouble me. Mainly I feel so grateful that I can talk to my sponsor about my fripes with others and then not feel as bad because I've been talking to someone else about someone else.
Things crop up wihtin relationsips that I find difficult to manage. I always feel wronga dn bad - well after initially blaming others I turn it inwards. I hate that I blame others so automatically. But I can also be gentle and bless me that it's the only way I know how to defend my little self. I am scared so much of the time. But I am learning to trust that everything is OK. Faith is action and I loved it when B reminded me to actually believe rather than pay lip service. I do actually believe I will be OK. Despite my difficulties.
My difficulties are financial. I am cncerned about being able to afford things. Bills and food are about all I can really afford. Right now I dont need for extras but for example to get the train up to London and visit an exhibition is a real treat. It's inspiring and fills me with energy. But truthfully I cannot afford it. I am tired too and want to live closer to work or wor closer to home. I am afraid to leave my flat as it offers security and it's cheap to run really. Even with the petrol expense. However, it is also a prison. By that I mean I am pinned to it because it's security. I have always hated that feeling of being pinned down. However, my mum was always there as security. So long as she was alive I always had somewhere and someone. That's such a powerful statement. My lack of wanting responsibility for one thing screams from it. I want to be a free aganet, able to do as I please yet feel there is solid ground somewhere. I want everything. Yet Ihave frittered away fortunes over the years. I could have developed that security if I had kept one of the many homes I bought and ran from. Or if I had saved rather than spend everything I ever had. However, I have a heap of adventures called my life which provide experience and a certain knowledge that if I apply could be called wisdom.
I have day to day interactions with people and me with them can cause me trouble. Everyone is different and so variations of self manifest. Not always comfortably. With M I often feel I am not good enough and do things wrong. I often feel she is angry with me. When I asked yesterday (all in text) she said no but had been disappointed that on two occasions something had been cancelled. The thing is I then get a sense that I am punished when she is disappointed. Yes I get disappointed when people cancel but I hope that I do not punish them. People are entitled to change their mind. However I am aware that I get frustrated with M's lack of commitment and indecision. I rarely if ever say anything, in fact say nothing and try to be free and easy about it. I am generally until I feel accused of being soething less than perfect. It's an odd dynamic at times between us. It can be so easy and comfortable most of the time and then every so often there is friction. I wonder if I expect too much or if too much is expected of me. I'm not sure. Iw nder if we can ever have this conversation openly without it becoming offensive. I know that there are times when I think I will leave the friendship before I am abandoned. However, I really value M and her friendship and am prepared therefore to go through my feelings. It's just great that I can talk rationally and looking at myself with athrid party who is not involved at all. I mentioned to M that B is a great sponsor and wished I hadn't. I would like there to be a distance and someone separate from my personal life. It's odd really that she knows T. I enjoy keeping FA contacts as support and not friends. I like my friends being friends and not support alotough of course they are support. But I can talk to FA people about issues and then just practice being with my friends.
So yes a daily quiet time and a reflection on a reading, weighing and measuring, daily calls to my sponsor and daily calls to others in FA. What else hmmmmmm - inviting HP into everything I do. I am practicing this more and more. I can even question this wondering if there really is such a thing as an HP. I do not buy into religious God values at all. I do see universal energy powering through every existence. But there is a way that things are said that sounds very religious. I know it's not meant as my sponsor regularly states that she is not religious. Probably as she is picking up my resitance and reaction. Sometimes the Twenty Four Hours book really annoys me as it seems to impose an idea of what my HP is upon me. I will not have that! I am so resitant you see. I blak at some of the things suggested as if I know best. Where is my humility??
What else is there to say? I met with my dad. He called several times prior to Christmas and although I have no idea really, I felt that there was a manipulation in that. B reminded me tat for him to be in contact shows that he loves me. I have to concur but with reservation as I think partly his calls were to avoid me calling on Chritmas day and discover background noise suggeeting they had guests, but as usual hadn't invited me. I became suspicious with phone call number 2 when he said they were turnign the phone off on Christmas day to get a restful ay. Hmmm - really? And then again even more suspicious when he called Christmas morning. He was ancey with me too - he made a comment about me being made of money if I can afford to drive to kent. I responded aying that it was better than sitting at home alone. He said "I suppose so". I wouldn't want to be invited to be with them yet I wanted him to feel guilty. Of course I don't know what was going on, and it could have been true that they stayed in be as he described t me when I emt him on Wednesday. But I also know my dad and am used to his manipulative lies. I hate to ay it but I have been a manipulating liar too. I really dislike this about me. I think I am saving someone pain but they will know as I know that something doesn't add up. So I pray to my HP not only to be in this relationship with my dad and I. I need my HP's help with it. But also to help me to be open and honest. I need discernment and dignity but to be able to maintain integrity. Which to me means I will be wholsesome and more at ease with myself.
I spend the whole time stating and re-stating my financila difficulties. This is manipulation. I actually want him to volunteer to give me money. HP please can you help me to stop this. I will be self sufficient and feel better about myself rather than asking for or taking money from him, only to be disparaged by him and feeing guilty. For example he gave me a cheque for £70 which I spent, and told him so, on a lovely pair of boots. They were reduced in ths ale. He criticised me for buying boots. I then went into explanations about not affording boots or anythingfor so long and I bought them as I needed them, blah blah blah. I cold have simply said I was grateful for the opportunity to buy something I liked and wanted. Gracious. He has also given me the M&S vouchers from HR that are sent every Christmas. This year he has iven me £35 so I guess he has either spent of given away the other £15. Who knows? It's none of my business actually and I am very grateful for this money. I will buy myself something when I get to M&S soon.
Today it's easier to write. I feel a degree of anger. I do not feel so hurt and let down. I have been able to regain my dignity actually, knowing that I did my best and every meeting is an opportunity to practice being me, mistakes and all, and accept me. Of course my expectations had been increasing as there had been contact more recently that was much easier because I was more acceptant. My dad is always going to be the same. He talks about the military stuff, some of it I believe, lots of it I don't. I feel sad then that he has to cover up the real him. He wants to be a someone. I want him to be a hero too as that reflects on me. I have invested in his lies and bravado, especially when it's suited me to bolster who I am. Ha! I do what he does. I guess I learnt well from him that I am not enough because he feels not enough. His parents never gave him that security and he as a kid in war torn London. Evacuated, he says he had a hell of a time. It must have been so traumatic for children and parents. He says he was so badly treated. I don't know if it's true or not, although there are many stories of what would now be called abuse. Whatever happened it was I think a difficult time for him. Mayb he has to exxagerate as minor inciddents in war time would be considered trivial and not worthy of addicitonal support. I see an OCD addict in my dad, so he would surely be sensitive to any particle in life being shifted. As I say that I have a "Matrix"-like image of lots of particles slowed right down, barely moving. Yes I can feel real empathy and can get a lot of forgiveness when I do. But I also feel sadness. Sadness for the awkwardness between us and for all the mess ups I've made contributing towards the difficulties between us. I feel sad that I feel so damaged when I am with him and defensive. I would wish for a close and friendsly relationship. A relationship in which we can share tears about mum and laughs about incidents that have truly been funny and amazing too. We have my lifetime of history to share and cannot connect at all with ease. I am sure in is way he loves me. He doesn't show it in a way that I understand at all. I try to be more open to this. I am very sensitive. I am sensitive to M's remarks in a similar way to the way I receive my dad's comments. Thsi i find interesting.
I was also intersted recently when speakin with A at the realisation that any boyfriend is never able to take care of me the way I want to. And I am lookin at my mum in this somehow. She did take care of me in many ways but she did not defend me against my dad. She did her best. As my dad did his best in many ways. However, when I was little she didn't stop my dad. She was a part in keeping everything OK on his terms. She ran away once leaving me behind. That was not OK. You see I want a man to take care of me. And none of them have ever got to udnerstand me or been able to truly relate to me. I was sitting realising this last night. I always think I am the problem and that I being issues to every relationship. It used to be unconscious but I have been more aware of my pasrt in things. I have met men who do not "get" me. I have tried to make it work in one way or another and thought I had failed but actually they have failed me. They want me to be one thing and actually fail to be able to "manage" me being me. Bloody hell it was a liberating thought. Suddenly it makes more sense that I am beetter off single until I meet someone who can embrace me entirely. Me as m e. My need for passion and energy. S couldn't let me get it eslewhere when my passion and energy rose. He wanted to be the sole provider but didn't have it in him. He was in many ways able to be the one, but not the only one. I don't mean other men. I am very much a one woman man when in a committed relationship. But I do o get everything I need from one person. Not even from one interest. I don't think this is wrong anymore. I am lapping it up. I thrive on many different stimulations from all different sources. I have a thirst for knowledge and broad horizons. Is there no man that can be a part of this? It would be so nice to meet wither someon than isn't the same but can embrace it and be there - the rock and centre of things whilst I flit about the world discovering. Or meet a similar discoverer. I think the first would be more likely to have stability thrugh assets. Maybe I am wrong about the person if there is one. I am often wrong about men and partnerships. Actually always! Right now it is of little consequence as I have committed to no relationships for the next 12 months an yway. Relief - and when I start fantasising or flirting I can remind myself of this commitment. It feels safe.
The great thing is realising that actually it is not that I cannot be right for the man, they cannot embrace me. I am repeating msyelf which suggests I haven;t quite got the wording acurately describing the liberation i feel in this moment. Long may it last.
What else has cropped up?
Uhmmmmm - I did a lot of writing for SLAA 30 questions but as A didn;t continue I didn't feel it apporpriate to be sharing with her. I was diappointed but also understand. So there is no grievance whatsoever. And I will be hopefully starting AWOL (A way of life) within FA. This apparently is the way in which the stesp are worked. I am intrigued and hopeful. B is running and AWOL starting in March and I feel it would be an honour to do this my sponsor. She assures me that everything is covered. I am more than slightly concerned about sahring my sexual conduct. It seems much easier talking about it with a load of SLAA'ers. Anyway, I am willing to go to any lengths. Sometimes I forget - as with absolute honesty and openness.
Since my last weigh-in I have lost another 9.2 pounds. I told B I was disappointed, rather wanting to lose stones. Anyhow she reminded me to be thankful and it's in HP's time not my time. So long as I am following the food plan, weighing and measuring, I will lose what I am meant to lose. I noticed yesterday what an ugly shape I am. Again I am reminded to be thankful to my HP for legs that carry me around London, and hips that hold me up whether I'm fat or thin, and so on. It really is so important to appreciate the good thigns rather than dwell on and feel sory for myself about the things that are not as I'd like them to be.
I feel jealous I realise that T is so so thin now. She was surely losing a stone a month at least. And I am not!!! Maybe I have made that up in my own thoughts although I'm sure she said she lost 4 stone in 4 months. There I go - comparing. I am grateful to have changed shape and lost weight. It's simple and enjoy the simplicity.
There we are - that's all I can think of for the time being. I feel very tired actually. I watched 2 of a series of 3 last night - Black Mirror. Clever concepts both of them. I went to bed later than I needed to and still up at 5:45 this morning to have time sitting and then make my call. I was out walking before dawn and loved it. I stood and watched the dawn one morning. Wow! What an inspiring time. Glorious and amzing colours. Out of this world yet in this world. It was wonderful to stand and observe out planet rolling over and traveling around the sun. Its a spectacular light show that has sounds so beautiful in my head. I can almost hear the sounds that are heavenly, nothing earthly is as beautiful.
I was thinking of going over to visit S and C today. I think I will still try and do that. Perhaps I will go after lunch. Maybe J is available this morning. I have my meeting this evening. Oh yes I've been a regular attendee on Fridays and Wednesdays and often Saturday too when I don't get to an FA instead. I even have a commitment showing my commitment and also being of service. I am working a programme quite vigilently again and feeling the benefits I do believe. I am grateful for this and very grateful for T for being the intial inspiration.
I will see if A is available to speak with tomorrow as I will run out of time. I will call a couple of FA folk along the way.
LouLou wants to go out I think. I will oblige her as she is very important!!
Bliss
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