The Hudsucker Proxy

A Joel Coen film. I can't decide whether it's good or silly. It's in a sort of old 50's style and a comedy but with a very serious undertone. The falsity of the commercial world. I can relate to a lot of it. The loneliness amidst the demands of consistently performing, underhand private agenda's. The power trap and snobbery. The tricksters all wanting to get their cut somehow.
Marketing and commercialism.
It's a a pretty unbalanced world where that kind of attitude is the mode of operandi. And everyone really cannot trust. Everyone has to be on red alert. Everyone wants, wants, wants and at any cost so long as it's not at their own cost.
It's horrid.
A good view of the ways of the supposed civilised communities. Blur!!!!!



Empire says (and gives it a 4 star, I've given it a 3.75 star - out of 5) "Just as Norville Barns lands a dull job in the mailroom of the Hudsucker corporation, the firm's founder is taking a suicide leap from the top floor. In order to take control of the business, the board must force shares to decrease in value rapidly, so they put Norvill in charge"
Tim Robbins plays Barns, Paul Newman is Sidney J. Mussberger, the coniving clever self-centred one. Jennifer Jason Leigh plays Amy the double crossing reporter who falls in love with Norvill.

I guess it was playful and made very good points about the craziness of the world. It was a feelgood film too despite the despair and gloominess. It was like a cartoon version in away of a film I watched where the man was in some purgatory place. Everything was grey, there was nothing that tasted or smelt, the job he was given was monotonous, there was no joy or pleasure in anything at all. What was this film called? It was a foreign film and although a odd I really liked it. It grabbed me more than this one did beforehand. I think it did grab me because it was Coen Brothers film. They make good films and sometimes they make great films!

I'm off to the B's for a walk prior to BBQ'ing
Bliss
X

Keeping the circles turning

I'm feeling rather full up after lunch. Yet immediately after eating I wanted more. But now my tummy feels filled out. I think it's swelling which could be related to eating cauliflower that's possibly too old to be eating. O well. I am trying to be cautious with spending and that means making every scrap of food count.

I met with my dad. He arrived and made some comment about being outside of the coffee shop at 10:20. Before he carried on I said that I'd seen him entering the car park. He then came up with a story about a bus blocking the road and him stopping and being rudely threatening towards the driver. Of course I just know that was bullshit.  I wonder why he feels the need. It's as if he's a big strong guy still and wanting to scare. It's power and hides a lack of self I believe. It saddens me as I write that and consider what's underneath the aggressive tones and manner. I suspect this also covered up the fact he was late and was beginning to lie.
He then revealed without meaning to that he had dropped Theresa off and that she hadn't wanted to some and had a coffee as well. Apparently he has a urinary infection and has to go and get an injection. I have no idea if it's true and that I guess is the really sad part of this that it's difficult to know what is the truth or embellished or downright fantasy.
I didn't know what to talk about. I stuck to the recent art galleries and events I'd been to. I mentioned Brick Lane and there was a little meeting of paths talking about how different it is. He recognised Brick Lane as a once slum area of London. If a car had been stolen you'd be likely to find it dumped in Brick Lane. All these once depressed areas are now trendy and expensive. Even Hackney!
There was some discussion about his health issues. He complimented me saying that I don't look my age at all.

Anyhow, I noticed that I felt jealous when he was saying that he couldn't stay long as he and Theresa......There was a part of this though that was me feeling let down. Yet again he wanted to get away as quickly as possible. And not even be able to be truthful, or maybe he was but who really knows? I suspect he doesn't truly know what's true or not these days. This jealousy though was goo to notice.
As soon as I noticed I was able to stop the next words in case it came out negatively and rudely. I enquired after Theresa. He protested that he doesn't see her daughters and doesn't like them. Again it just didn't ring true. But who knows? He was just so rude about them, well specifically the youngest one. He cana't bear the way she goes on and on talking about nothing.
Actually so much of what he says seems to be difficult to discern whether it's true or not and this makes conversation difficult really. It's so obvious that it's not all true. He makes a fool over him. I know that other people have indicated that he's fake. I wonder if Theresa's seen it too. She must have by now.
They spend so much time visiting the hospital and when asking what they like doing, he said sitting by the sea and visiting Southsea from time to time to watch the boats. I wonder if I could find some nice deckchairs for his Father's Day present. Or something that would facilitate a little comfort whilst sitting on the beach. I will look out for something. Whenever do I get to visit the shops?
I would like to find a little something for AW. She left on Thursday. Thank goodness a few people could be mustered together to make a formal goodbye. It was all so last minute and meaningless I realised. I would not want the same to be done for me. Not in that manner anyway.
Yuch! So fake. Thankfully there was a contribution to her collection and people signed her card.

I am pleased though, returning to the meeting with my dad, that I was aware of my emotions and able therefore to check my attitude and behaviour. Moreover, the self pity and fury was short lived. I recognised these as I started the drive home. I do feel angry that it's difficult to pick through the bullshit. I'm upset that he doesn't really want to spend time with me and then I project that anger onto Theresa, having him under the thumb. Yet I can also relate to it. I was afraid to be out for too long when I was with SH. I would stay a tad longer (co dependently not being able to leave) and yet scared of not leaving too. Oh gosh such painful ways of operating, or not operating. He may have different agendas and motives but I can recognise the mixed up behaviours.

I told him about the BBQ this evening. I told him this so that would know that people do nice things for me. I wanted him to feel guilty actually - manipulation. I did thank him for the cheque. He started to have a go at me for not cashing it yet. I didn't say sorry in any shape or form and take responsibility for past times cashing it very late but I did say that I have difficulty getting to a bank blah, blah, blah. I wished I taken responsibility and had been able to say that it wasn't my intention to inconvenience him when he was giving me a gift.
IN reality though and overall I did incredibly well. I didn't get it perfectly right but it's a miracle how far I am away from 7 or 8 months ago. And a million miles from the way I was 12 years ago. 12 years ago I had come out of treatment, mum was ill and I was avoiding my dad meaning that I didn't see much of my mum. Then it became more serious illness and I was there all the time. So mixed up!!!
And here I am today simply not owning one thing during the brief encounter and being compassionate and taking on a loving attitude for the most part. I feel pleased with this progress and still have things to work on.
Please God help me to manage the sadness, the anger, the jealousy and the confusion.

Thank you God. Oh and please show me the right thing to do with regard to the job. And please show me how to make amends to S.
How will I manage the clients that I see on a 1:1 basis? These people matter to me. They really do.


Bliss
XX

Thought crime

Interesting. I have a dilemma and discussing it through with my stand in FA sponsor something else entirely different came up for consideration. It comes back to a fine line again. Discernment or complete honesty.
You see the situation is that I travelled to Southampton yesterday having been invited because I had raised the idea that I might like to find a position in another P hospital. The manager mentioned this possible position and hence the day visit was arranged. I really was not interested, thinking that the journey was too long and also remembering how much I disliked being there when I was training and on placement there. It was a miserable experience.
Whilst travelling I made a call to an FA fellow. She used to be a head hunter and when I said I was feeling naughty just going for a day trip to be out of the office and the constant differences there (despite having found a way of managing myself within that so that I'm not constantly in conflict). This FA'er very gently raised the question about not saying to the S'ton people that it's not a viable journey. I suddenly realised that I hadn't prepared myself at all for this informal day. I would still be representing myself and as Ambassador for me I needed to think about how to present myself.
It probably showed that I hadn't thought through things enough. When K asked if I specialise, I missed the point and tried to flaff around an integrative approach to therapy. What she meant was whether there were addictions that I specialise in. I listed a few and realised that I hadn't spent enough time at all thinking abut who I am and what I do well. I also regret speaking too much about the recent difficulties but was very careful to express how it was achievement working through my sensitivity to changes and finding ways to maintain my desire to be flexible and adaptable and friendly and pleasant. I explained that the new working philosophy wasn't quite what I wanted.
K FA'er helped me identify the things that sound important to me. The working environment and atmosphere is definitely important after what has just been going on. Also the model of working is important. As you may realise I have come away actually quite enthused by the proposition of working there. My difficulty is the increased journey. I would really want to be reducing my travelling time not increasing it. Not to mention the increased costs.
I am concerned about M. She is truly burnt out and there would just be the two of us. Both as therapists reporting to K. She has been managing the department on her own for a year and a half. She has a lot of resentments and dislikes. I am not sure how she can overcome that. She seems very unhappy generally and realises that she actually has been quite unwell. She said she had lost herself spiritually several times. I wanted to ask how she thinks she needs to heal. I think she will need time and a lot of input into herself. She clearly has a tendency to over work but at a dear cost to herself.
K seemed positive and said there is investment in the hospital and therefore investment in the department. She seemed flexible, thinking outside of the box to accommodate. She wants to prepare a department structure and then launch it as a product both internally and externally. It certainly needs developing and getting internal customers on side.
Now the thing is that I have the dilemma of trundling along as things are in my current position. So long as I stay aware then I don't enter into my wanting to control and I can accept L's need for total control. It's not ideal and very stifling of being myself and developing trust in myself. However, it's pretty easy really. It's busier in some senses as there is no room for sessionals etc. At the same time L takes on more and more and is totally responsible. I keep handing over every decision to her mainly because she wants that and also because she is so inconsistent in my opinion. Then she takes it on her as her job to do. It surprises me but now I know that I just keep giving it to her to decide whether she delegates it or not. Her desk is a mess so I never really know what's going on. I send messages by email as a follow up because I've learnt that it's left as a very loose accusation when messages aren't remembered or followed through.
She is taking on all the ward rounds apart from the people that she doesn't like. I watch her slap and bully people about and then is super duper nice to them afterwards. Very crazy-making. People, I, don't know if I'm in or out of favour. It changes from moment to moment. But she swans around humming and perfectly OK with herself. That's great! But I do wonder if she realises the impact she has. It's not position to say. I can merely observe and reflect on the impact on me.
I do like some of her ideas and am learning although I would put my slant on things.

So then there is M. She will find it difficult to handover any PR. She will need time to feel well in herself. She will be holding the resentments and that will certainly impact newness. It would be interesting to observe myself with her. She seemed a lovely lady but there was a sense of persecution about her. Although I also hear how much she has been fighting with the powers that be to get things changed. I saw in her a reflection of me whinging. She had genuine cause to be dissatisfied and worn out. I have had too but I so wanted not to sound as if I was whinging. I think I entered into it a tad.

Now the things that has come out of discussing all of the dilemma and the package that I think I would want to take the job on ... I'll come back to that, was the knowledge that when P's got his business up and running I would be leaving anyway. He reckons now we'll be looking at December. Of course that is subject to everything running smoothly. He says that as things develop he could easily take on a sessional and then be ready to take me on full time down the line. He says it's a guarantee and sees us doing that for the next 10 years. I certainly would want to work for P and I think within that there would be room for me to do some private work. I would hope so. And of course my studying. I know there is actually no guarantee but for the time being I would be taking this job with knowledge that I plan to leave in say 7 or 8 months time. That will be long dark drives as well I realise. Summer may not seem so bad. Anyway!
S, FA'er, asked if I would be comfortable with that dishonesty. I was immediately defensive and angry saying that it would be foolish to reveal such a thought to a corporation whom I want to stay employed with for the time being. And then this raised in me another fine line... as she said it reminded her of the Thought crime in Orwell's book 1984. I hadn't remembered it specifically but realised the influence of that on the film Minority Report. An interesting story that really took this one point and expanded upon it. I like it when I see connections like this. The beauty of being well read or versed in books and films and I'm not. They are great ways to explain something too.
So here I am with thought crime. of course no one is going to see through special psychological windows exactly what my thought crime is but it will be there and certainly I believe that thoughts influence behaviours. There would be a secret you see. And of course I felt really terrible that I hadn't said to S that I was going to S'ton on Friday. She found out through L. Admittedly she has been away whilst it's all be taking place but I was avoiding saying anything on Wednesday for selfish reasons. I don't want her to suddenly up and leave. How mistrusting am I? God please help me with this.
So anyway I would really like the challenge of this position. I think there is a lot to develop but I don't want the responsibility of that, however I would like to be a part of it.
I would like an increase in salary fixed to work Monday to Thursday but on a Tuesday working 09:00 until 20:00 and then I can Aftercare and still have two of us in. I would hope that they would have a sessional for the Friday but also we could develop the programme so that Friday was perhaps a busier morning and a light afternoon.
I think on top of my salary increase I'd like some petrol expenses say £2000 per year. It's not enough but it would be something. I probably should work that out more exactly before I under sell myself.
I would also like to secure the 12 days study leave I already have - 1 day per month.
That would seem like a good package to me. Although of course the salary is never good enough. We are grossly under paid. But it would be a lovely environment in terms of the grounds. Hopefully having support M could regain hers sense of self and spirit that she feels she has lost and together we could develop the department with K heading it up. There is the close competition of course and a lot of bad feeling about that.
It would be interesting to know what the consultants are looking for from the department as there seems to be a big difference. Something that I believe has been worked on and is ongoing. I know L is making sure she has a lot of contact with them.
It could be quite exciting.
But what about this discernment? Isn't it stupid to say that I would be planning to move on if this other venture comes to fruition. Of course anything can and will happen between now and then. At the same time to not be honest and open about such things does leave me with some discomfort. And would undoubtedly seep out in some way if not feeling disloyal as with S and the visit to S'ton.
It's interesting. Another gap of finding balance.
I'm off to meet with my father now. There is a degree of anxiety I can feel. I've changed my top as I felt too exposed. Interesting. And I've worn clothes along similar lines of how I think ML would dress. He had so much high regard for ML. Always he seemed to like others more than me. Later on though he would have found their faults and slapped them down behind their back but drop them without warning. Not dissimilar to the bullying tactics at work.
Right I must go otherwise I'll be late.
More to write later on.
Bliss
XX