http://la-biscotte-ecrasee.blogspot.com
My friend Marie (Laure) sent me the details of her daughters blog. I had no idea.
As I was reading it all sorts of thoughts and feelings were evoked.
I felt fear and sadness and dislike of my own concerns for me .... blah blah blah.
It reminded me of the wonderful story What Katy Did. My mum encouraged me to read this book as a teenager. I read it and wanted Katy's soulful love. And yet I followed a different destructive and unhealthy path of running away from my incidents. She faced hers with serenity and wisdom. I have begun to face mine much much later in life. Well I have had an incredible adventure with amazing experiences that I am glad not to have missed and now in the later years a chance to gain more wisdom, truth, grace, love, bliss, peace, contentment.
I feel so sad for Charlotte. I feel so sad for Lisa, my cousin. I feel so totally humbled by Charlotte's courage to face her inner self in the midst of such dramatic change.
I find my reaction most peculiar to tragic news. With my cousin I have mainly been quite detached. I am aware I SHOULD feel devastated or deeply sad. On Wednesday during the meeting I was crying with real sorrow, it resonated deep within me. I thought of how sorry I was that due to my behaviours around discontent and arrogance and undoubtedly connected with my husband at that time I did not attend her wedding. I started to say that I know it is of no importance within the circumstances she lies in her hospice and that in death it is easily forgiven. And as I started thinking these thoughts and attempting to utter them I suddenly became very in touch with the reality. I cannot find the meaning of all of this.
And as I am reading about Charlotte it seems very unreal. I keep thinking of ML at her age, that is the last time I think I met with her in person. All these years. I am shocked at my thinking. I am scared that in similar circumstances I would not have access to the help she has. For goodness sake! What is this thinking? I am envious of this? In my heart I am overjoyed that she is making progress. And yet I think so strangely about this. I cannot fathom my thinking.
I want peace and joy in everyone's hearts and yet I have this strange thinking.
I have a young woman in my thoughts who is facing death, leaving her pain behind her yet also leaving her young family and her tortured mum and dad. I wonder how she can face this amount of sorrow in her parting. Is she aware? Is there a calming somehow within her heart as she faces this final goodbye. It seems so wrong.
And here is a very young woman who was preparing to marry and building their home and fortunes together, who has a passion for her horses and now lies unable to walk, pinned to her bed. I loved what she said when she said she does not need to travel to places as she has them in her mind.
And yet I sit and think in grief how I am ageing and no longer have the means to visit the places I have been privileged to visit and some that I have loved. I cannot see people that I have encountered, some passing through my life very briefly, some having entered more deeply into my core and feel so far away now. How I took for granted the ability to zap around this world. It used to feel so small. It now seems to enormous, mysterious and the discontent says inaccessible. Gosh! I smile at myself with this thinking I have and yet I have this other side of me that sees the wonder and glory. I am humbled by the strength of these women as they face their difficulties. I feel amused by the greed and avarice in me. I am glad to recognise it and be clear in being able to challenge it and dig deeper towards the love and peace and the desire to have wisdom.
Right now in my life I have noticed how much easier it is to be me hen I am observant. I notice very much within the circle of group therapy that I am facilitating how much more comfortable I am. I am gaining at this time an understanding to walk along side these people. I can be supportive and not confrontational. It is interesting to observe this change. I am sure too that this can pass as nothing stands still. I feel a peace within me though that encourages me as this means I can access it again and at any time.
This reminds me of the strange experience when I met with my mum. Half sleep half wake, I sat with her talking. I am still frustrated that I cannot remember a single word. I know she imparted experience and wisdom. I should like to meet with her again and soon and learn more. When Sister Nicolina appeared she was lying on her chaise-longue (which is amusing in itself). I was afraid she might have died but she came to tell me that I could do this anytime. I liken this to the "within peace" that I am experiencing more and more recently. I can do this at any time when I stop to observe.
So I am baffled by my "horrid" thinking. Jealous of this wonderful young woman's progress. I truly do not understand this at this time. As in my heart I absolutely wish for her to recover fully. Maybe the jealousy is in relation to those that cannot afford and recover as a result. I am not sure.
So as I read Charlotte's blog I am inspired by her and pray for her to get better and better. Her writing is open and gives insight to her thinking.
I wish for her to have more time with her beloved as soon as possible. They have much to discover together I think.
I wonder how my dear friend Marie (Laure) is managing. I am confused as to how Charlotte managed at Sophie's wedding and do not recall seeing her in the wedding photos. I cannot now access them.
I send gentle hugs to Marie (Laure) and to Jerome and their young family as they adjust to these changes of living.
I am curious as to the relationship between Marie (Laure) and her parents. They do not seem to be present. I am not at all sure.
I hope that I will discover more as Charlotte writes. Presently she is focused quite rightly on her state of well being emotionally and mentally as well as her physical progress. I felt sad as I read that she considers how far she is from the life she had and took for granted as we all do. This will surely impact on her energy to continue with the rigorous and painful rehabilitation. I hope that by writing she finds some catharsis and also is getting some spiritual and emotional psychological support. It is so important and yet often is a secondary focus.
I pray for release from suffering for everyone - and I believe that comes through the gradual awareness and therefore detachment and adjustment to change.
And there I am feeling angst with the simple projection of change as P prepares to leave his position. I am sure it is right for me not to apply for the role. I wish to pursue my development in the therapeutic work rather than the management side. On the other hand this means that a new person might make radical changes to a programme that works so well in it's structure and is so integrative.
You see how I project and smile once again at me as I observe this anxiety and allow my self to slow this and start to flow with the river. How fortunate I feel to have been shown a way to identify my "suffering" at whatever level it envelopes me. Then I can re-think and keep practicing letting go.
I am grateful for all that I have and the opportunity to grow as life presents itself to me.
For today :)
Bliss
xx
