A million more tiny pieces

I have never ever fekt the way I do. Such love - such pain
I love JH and I want a relationship with him. He cannot tell me what he wants - he says he loves me.
He speaks about the big problem, he speaks about how there should be no hurt and so on.
He is vague and says sorry.

I have no idea what is happening.

I do not know what to do

I .......?

Bliss

After the Wedding - don't read if you don't want the plot spoilt

Rolf Laasgard acted in such a way that he moved as if powerful and very very wealthy. I have seen him in a Dogme film I think. He is very familiar anyway. At times I thought he was almost a cliche of the person he was acting and yet after watching the film I thought he was quite brilliant.
He was so damned rich! I thought he was playing games with people, using his wealth to control and manipulate. At times of course he was and yet all long he was feeling his utmost powerlessness as he faced he reality of his own death. He didn't want to die and yet there he was using his money to make everything OK for those he loved once he was gone. It worked though - at first I didn't like him. I didn't quite trust this power he yielded and his utterly relaxed and fun approach - it didn't seem to fit the powerful billionaire he was. And there was good reason as the plot unfolded. However, it just goes to show how I played into the hands of judgement about the super wealthy actually being wealthy because actually I grew to understand his fear and all that he was prepared to lose for love. I ended up like him enormously. Clever weaving!
I think he played the most powerful part in this film and yet he was not the lead.

Mads Mikklesen played his part well I thought. A history with drink and rugs and he seemed to have a fear of the world. He was a quieter man with principles beyond money. Yet pulled by the possibility of more good with more money and forsaking himself. In the end though he was pulled by love.
The ending with Pramod, Neeral Mulchandani, was a little too convenient for my liking in terms of the happy ever after bit. An 8 year old I think would be much more lead by the heart especially a child from abandonment. Anyway ... I can forgive the film this. There was no more time to deal with the story I guess.
Sidse Babett Knudsen (beautiful) also played her part well - in places I thought. She was not a very wholesome character. It mattered less as the story for more was about than about Rolf or Mads and of course she was a link between them. It was intricately tying stories together from the starting point of poverty versus extreme wealth.
I read about the filming - eye closeups and stills as being very Dogme style. I hadn't appreciated it as that whilst watching. At times I thought it was unnecessary but often it was very poignant and to stand still in a film I think takes great courage and good timing. There weer intense moments created as a result. At other times I think it was over done.
Overall I thought it was a very good film and glad to have encountered too a female Director - Susanne Biers. A really good Danish film with glimpses of Danish life - city and countryside.
Oh the same director who made Open Hearts - a very good Dogme film. I really did like that film a lot!
Will definitely watch Brothers if I can get hold of it.

Love

I am so very sorry that JH hasn't known that despite everything I love him. My heart feels in pieces and hurts like hell. I don't like certain behaviours.
I don't want to lose JH from my heart and I guess I never will. It is not possible to love this deeply and for that ever to go. I want him to want to be with me though.
I hate the idea of losing all the things about him that I just love and like and enjoy. I hate the thought of losing the us that is great. I want us to be able to meet in the middle which means two people wanting to find ways through difficulties and differences I think.
When I write or speak I would hope that anyone reading or hearing me would be wise to know that I do not think I have the answers. I posit my thoughts and ideas in the hope there might be some "rightness" in there somewhere. I open to ideas and learning and different channels being opened to me. Hearing JH I try to look at things in different ways. This is difficult when I am used to a certain way or belief or am protecting myself or see any semblance of a similarity with something from the past.
I would like to be able to be able to share all these things openly and honestly and be heard and have trust that I LOVE. That is solid and without falter. It's finding the path together that is not so solid and it's a fact that maybe somewhere down the line there will be a natural fork in the path. In the first place though we need to choose to set off together and that might mean making some compromises - not to be compromised but to agree and negotiate. If those things are too different then we are just pulling against each other.

And of course there will be some things that are non-negotiable - like yes I can go left rather than right but I need to bring with me the trailer but not on my own, we both need to pull it together and want to - otherwise you will resent me for bringing it and I can't do it all on my own. And the same applies we go left I bring the trailer and there are things that you might want to put on the trailer that we will both pull.

My non-negotiables - monogamy meaning one partner in every sense of the word of intimacy. Also honesty openness (transparency).
Other friendships with love - yes of course. I have that. My heart though is entirely JH's. There may even be times when a friend is in need and with that might need priority and if there is true love and openness and honesty and solid intimacy there is not need for threat or distrust. Trust grows with attitude and behaviours show trustworthiness.
I may not have said how much I love JH and that it does not falter. I have shown it though - I have not left or run. I have wobbled and even been flaky for that I am very sorry. I have learnt how that looks to JH. I have even wanted to run to protect my breaking heart but not because I did not love or want to be with JH. The opposite - a self preservation rather.

I think relationships do require effort. Effort doesn't need to be difficult though.
When I think how easy it was being together with JH for that week when he was snowed in here - just being in each others company was easy - yes we had things to work out between us - but we did and we got on so well.
I feel such strong connections on all sorts of matters with JH. I don't know if they are enough for a lifetime but they are enough to want to start on a journey. I commit to that which means then that I am prepared to negotiate through differences and even difficulties. I don't always do it easily though and I know that. I get angry about things that are actually my non-negotiables like being lied to. What I want is for JH to change that but of course I am not in control of that. He has to want to enough to actually make the changes.
How it looks to me is that he lies because there is something to hide that is not acceptable behaviour. What it looks like to me is that JH cannot be without a woman - it may not be how it is at all. But it does seem difficult for him to be without and so he hides it from me.

I am rambling thoughts out here and a little afraid to because if I do JH thinks this is me thinking solidly and there is no room for me to make mistakes in the same way he thinks I cannot make room for him to make mistakes.
That's why i am afraid to write my thoughts out - it's all single track when it's me and my head alone. I am not afraid to tell you my thoughts just afraid you will think I am saying you are wrong and I am right. These are just thoughts and I am aware I too am full of shortcomings that means my thinking could be skewed and needs a different input.

JH if you are reading this please allow for meanderings and wonderings as well as wanderings. I am not making statements just musing concepts and thoughts. Everything can be discussed if there is a desire to be open minded on both parts. I am sorry if sometimes I sound self righteous - in my heart I know I know very little indeed.

I am not making judgements in anything I say. JH is not wrong nor right - he is right for himself.
I know I am not right or wrong - I have certain things that seem to be more right for me than not at this time. Things shift all the time but there needs to be some firm ground to be able to feel at least some security.

Sure to have more thoughts and ideas.

What I know is that at this moment in my life I love JH. I would like that we could find a way together to go forward - there are some things that cannot be different right now and I realise this. There are some things that could be agreed upon and a pathway forged together.

If there is too much doubt in JH's mind then he needs to make that decisions. I realise that it is for me too difficult to try and be friends when the contact between us has been more than friends.
It does raise the question in m as to how JH communicates with other ex lovers when he is trying to move it into friendship - and this is where monogamy starts to come into play - if there is any confusion within the communication that is not OK by me. If there is a desire to be friends then there needs to be enough time to pass to be able to be truly friends and no mixed messages. It's not just about saying it because JH and I said we would be just friends but the way in which he communicated with me and I allowed it too was more than just as friends would talk.
So I whole-heartedly would support any friendships but not where there are mixed messages. And as JH has lied in the past to me it just needs to real solid action on his part - a desire to show me - yes mistakes can happen but mistakes are mistakes and to be learnt from and changed - sometimes it seems as if the word can be used as an excuse to continue - desire to change takes strong commitment. I hasten to add the same applies to me - I hate how my anger becomes a long vent - I want to be able to say I feel angry and would prefer a different way of behaviour and how can we get to that? Instead I rant and rave and it worsens as I think JH is not taking responsibility for the lies. He says today that lying is not OK for him either so it's not as if he and I differ on this basic principle.
JH knows what it is like to feel angry - it's when someone crosses and boundary and disappoints - it doesn't mean that hatred sets in or love is gone - he feels angry with DJ and at the time might not like him but he always loves him and they find a way through. He said today I have every right to feel angry - I need his help here too. I need him to trust that I vent rant and rave that I too agree that it's not OK - I don;t know what else to do at the moment because I feel so hurt every time he has lied to me. It's like a betrayal even though JH says that not what it actually is. And if with truth we discover we are too different - well then at least we discover for real.
I wonder what he would feel if I was talking to a man and keeping it from him. Or if suddenly I spent some time with SH again and suddenly felt confused - would he feel safe within our relationship?
He had feelings about a comment  made on RW's Blog - I had not intended to give a mixed message but could see that it was not healthy and respected JH too much to even wish to continue ... I apologised to him and respected his feelings. JH is so important to me that I listen. It helped me too to learn what is a mixed message when I had no intention of giving that across. Yes I learnt and appreciate that.

Another thought - I really don;t like that with all the other big emotional things going on in JH's life - work, separation and perhaps divorce from his wife, working out how to build his relationship with his children with these changes and all the personal emotional turmoil and mental development required for these tings - I really hate that there is US in difficulty too.
What I would like and know I can be is to be supportive amidst all of this. And I would love for JH to be able to support me with my daily struggles too. And yet we spend time in difficulty between us.
I am very sensitive to his struggles. I hear him and pain for him and want to be able to hold those emotions he feels.

I am so so so sorry that JH does not see or feel the love I have for him.
I hold the moment -
Standing at a painting together and feeling him - his  very presence enough.
I feel his arms holding me
I feel our intimacy in sex.
I have no eyes or feelings for any other man, only for JH.
I am prepared to grow and change with him.
Even amidst the struggles between us and around us.
I LOVE him.
I hurt
My heart is shattering as he tells me he feels no love from me.
He says I withdraw
Yet I am invested in standing still
for him.
It pains me deeply that he does not see this
He cannot feel it
I do not know how to show him
I want with all my heart that he might know.
I will always love JH, always.

Aching,
Bliss
x

Eroticart2 from someone else's cabinet of curiosities

 Helmutt Newton

Helmutt Newton

Photo of Helmutt Newton

















Édouard-Henri Avril.





Anything to postpone hoovering and then head in study books

Bliss
X

Erotic art Robert Mapplethorpe