Life - awesome and frustrating

Grr motor insurance query following random research. In the end I renewed my car ins with RAC. They seemingly have not passed on data from previous claims within last 5 years rendering my policy invalid. I shake inside with fury. Fury fuelled by fear of more expense that I can't afford possibly - want them to give me cheaper expenses. So financial insecurity. Fury also fuelled by need to sort out a complication and in something I don't fully understand furthermore fear of being fibbed off. We stand no chance as service buyers. They always say they are in the right. Now have to rearrange insurance no doubt at huge expense. 3 accidents in last 5 years none of which have been my fault! Grrrrrrrr. Further anger now about those stupid drivers and ongoing inconvenience I am put to. Still think there are cons at foot.

What went well was that I was able to sort it out albeit costing me a lot of money.
3 incidents none of which have been my fault and the insurance companies are charging everyone - it's such a rip off world.
I can observe my anger about the situation and my frustrations.
I am financially insecure. Not trusting that everything will be OK whatever happens. It has always worked out up to this point in my life.
I may have to ask my dad for a loan if I cannot get back to work and get some extra sessions in.
I don't like and never have liked how dependant I am on the job I have - I took a lower paid job and less hours but could not afford to do even the occasional thing. All I had was study and work. I had more time but to do some of the things I enjoy costs money - even an art workshop etc. Money I just did not have.
It seems that it is not possible to have everything. If I want more money I have to work more and take on more stress which I do not like. If I want more time I cannot have enough money to cover more than the basics. And that I don't like either.
This means coming to terms with things as they are and choosing the least costly option to me as a whole. Worrying about finances is such a stress maker. I think it contributes to illness. And then I am aware that even with extra work I cannot afford private medical services yet that is where there is actually real help for things considered less important by the welfare system.
Gosh it's a complicated world.
So all these things rise up in me when as issue like the car insurance matter comes to the fore. Money. The main evocater of the emotional response.

Now I am considering whether I cancel the pet insurance for LouLou - it's £80 per month now with an increasing excess of £150 per claim. Seems crazy. I am paying out more than I can ever get back over all. If I cancel it and save the £80 per month it will soon build up and earn a little interest - a real little currently. But what if there is a major incident before I have saved up a reasonable amount? This is a risk I may have to take. I need to act urgently if I am going to go ahead. Already I am paying £22 per 2 months for her pills and cannot get all of that back in a year. Grrrr - expense expense expense. Services are costly, more costly than their worth?
On the other hand if I maintain the insurance can I expect the very best treatment for LouLou in exchange. If anything should happen I would want her to have the best chances. I don't know if there are different prices and what's actually claimable. Some of it it isn't for example a biopsy - would not be claimable .... crazy world!! It's all about profit I think and less about the best possible for the individual. Pay for a service yes indeed and of course money needs to be made to cover all costs. But at increasing expense for bigger profits and fat cats. And I am in on the grid and cycle of it all!!!

Frustrating ....

I have caught up and understood a lot about the biology of the cell. I am relieved to have got a bit of a grip on it. Now I realise the enormity of the assignment that I am behind on ...
3 questions - 2 carry the highest percentage of the marks. And they require a lot of input and I am behind the schedule.
Today I have arranged an early walk with AB and then dropping her off at the M&S as I go on to see SC at a cost I cannot afford. One nice thing is that AB and RB will contribute to my petrol.
I will clock the miles but am unsure how much per mile it is these days.
I have less than £18 per day to spend until the end of this month and need some of that to afford the additional cost of the car insurance. This stinks.
And I am ashamed of this state of affairs - at my age I expect myself to be better established. I have frittered away so much having a good and free life and paying for it now. I knew this but did nothing about it.
I am very unprepared for older age. Yet I didn't want to spend my life waiting around for it to happen.
There was enormous irresponsibility with money as well and I am certainly paying the price of that now.
I can get very disapproving of myself about this and expect that others will judge me harshly too. Some will of course. This is how it is and I need to once again adjust to actual circumstances and not how I wished it was.
I need to contact my dad and ask to borrow some money. I feel so scared and ashamed to do this even though he seemed willing when I mentioned it to him.

Hey ho! I can deal with a little bit better today. And thank goodness this didn't all arise a couple of days ago. It may well have been the final thing to send me out to act our my deathly plan. It's there - large and scary. Weird isn't it how my desire to be dead and my plan scares me. I welcome death but am afraid of carrying out the deed!
I cannot explain this.

Well off to get ready to go to AB. The big wedding tomorrow so even less time for studying. And then just one more signed off week at this stage. I am scared what will happen after that. But keep it in today and I have time to be even more disciplined if my concentration remains with me - if not then the doc may suggest even more time off. God!

Universe - this is how things are for me right now. I have to try and maintain the trust that it is all going to be OK whatever happens. I need the strength first to hold onto that.

Bliss
XX

Toe tapping with the Universe

In time and space, Bliss, if you just look for what's right - in others, in relationships, in yourself and your journey - you'll always find it.
Same when looking for what's wrong.
Tallyho,
    The Universe

Well the awareness of rage and anger is trully helping, as in the last two days I seem to have a reprieve from the deadly thinking.
I was aware of sitting and feeling angry at how JP had left without any explanation all those years ago now. And I could observe me in that anger. It has subsided now because of time and actually I think I am left with more loving thoughts. I would prefer an explanation still and I would hope by now that there has been some room for change and at least courteous behaviour. I also observed how vulnerable and unsafe in that vulnerability I felt. I need some time to create my safety but I was also comfortable that me as a person is OK. I think if this had been in a deadly dread moment it could have been very different and turned inwards.
And it seems there is more synchronisation with the Universe. The messages I am receiving are more meanginful for me. That's just the way it goes. I have been very out of synch which has been a difficult time for me. Maybe things are becoming more aligned and I can hear and see more clearly when the deadly dread isn't hanging over me. Perhaps that will lift with the synchronisation too. As I write this it brings to mind how of the Step 10 list I have been in the last year. It didn't need to be that way but I stepped off the path - quite a lot. This brings me into conflict then with the M/s stuff. The  external criticism or an inner discmfort? I am not sure which right now and that is still to be exlored I guess within a very closed and safe environment. I am yet to find the person that I feel I can trust to discuss these things - not in a sexual manner but in a practical and open discussion to explore my sexuality around this. There is a lot to explore in terms of self understanding without needing to be n the middle of it all.

So yes I sat and I listened last evening identifying similarites but also acknowledging differences. When I listened to JP it wasn't so much listening for me within what she was saying but taking inventory of her. I can be gently with yself about this because the hurt in me wants to protect me and keep her away. The loving part of me can reflect on this today. I was scared, you know, that she would be sounding all entirely well and holy somehow. I have heard JP like that when knowing the reality isn't actually how she has told it. But actually I thought she sounded very genuine - not trying to be perfect and acknowledging excitement whilst all the difficult emotions too. Some things sounded as if they continue to be troublesome for her. It was a relief to hear that.
It was also lovely that a couple otheres there were familiar to me and very warm and friendly. I did not feel out on my own and having to be ready for battle.. I could be soft and gentle.
I was able to share how despite difficulties in the relationship I had had last year, there had also been growth - an awareness was brought to me about me which happened to coin cide with matters with my dad taking a change. This, blended with hormonal shifts has brought me to my knees. Excrutiating as it is at times I am keeping afloat. Sometimes it's scant. But it's sufficient to keep at least on ths spot.
Today I can see it because I am not in the thick of the black cloud with it's poison pores choking my veins.

http://podcast.open.ac.uk/oulearn/science/biology/podcast-fsc-dna-rna-protein-formation

I have been sent a great podcast from the OU - it's just made the understanding I have of DNA, transcription and translation so much clearer. Why they didn;t give this to us in the first place instead of the complicated texts - phew thank goodness I was able to persistently ask questions until they thought to send me this. I am grateful for thte forums which give me a degree of anonymity and the space to work somewhat at my speed and level. This type of working is appropriate for me. Whilst I have questions in the classroom assimilating all the information is quite tricky.
Dyslexia? Maybe
Next I need to contact my dyslexic tutor. I do not want him in my home though.

Sure to be more
Bliss
X

Enlightenment and awash with serenity

A surprising evening. I felt very uncomfortable when JP walked into the room and then B was not far behind her. There was a man there that was incredibly similar looking to JH. That was so strange. I could not help but stare for a while. The whole thing was initially very strange. But the sharing was good and open and honest. I felt a calm wash over me that I have not felt for a while. I felt the terror of being in the same room with JP leave me and felt it was OK to be me - just how I am with all the blackness as well as all the relief at having had an improvement in my emotions. Furthermore, I have been able to put more concentration into my studying. I contacted my GP for more help and I organised the pills for LouLou. Little achievements but achievements nonetheless contributing I am sure to being a little more uplifted towards the end of the day.

I was able to speak with AB about a sense in me that she is irascible and what was this related to? She shared with me her concerns and difficulties and I was able to listen. It's so horrid that she feels she has to apologise when actually as a friend I value that she feels she can talk with me quite candidly.

I read something today about the M/s sexual interaction that really made me think about myself. I realised that in this type of relationship I do not have to feel at all ashamed of any sexual activity. The choices are all taken out of my control and the acts are to please someone else. The pleasure I get is actually secondary and yet that actually leaves me free to feel the pleasure. Does that make any sense?
So in fact there is no responsibility with me at all.
There is something important in this and I will expand further and also try and clarify what I am actually trying to say here ......
I will say that I miss the M/s relationship. And I am confused by this now because I can see that there is a link with childhood events and wanting to please a man that takes full control and decides for me everything. I think there is something special to be had from this relationship but I can also see the unhealthiness of it too. So I am very confused. No doubt like everything clarity will come with discussion. I welcome input but I am not sure where to get it from.
I considered starting a blog especially for that subject and keep the two parts of me separate. But I am whole and all these things are a part of me. I do not want to deny any truths despite the embarrassment and shame I would feel should people I know read this. It is deeply personal. I guess not everyone exploits themself in this way, sharing their sexuality. And yet surely there is so much to learn from each other by openness and removing the shame of experimenting and self discovery in this very intimate zone.
The problem is I guess that it also leaves an opening for more people that take advantage of vulnerability. And that is where it's so important for me to have boundaries.

I have more to write about matters here and will return to the subject when I next get a chance.
There is a potential for a busy day tomorrow.
Studying, walking and seeing SC in the early evening.
That might completely change my outlook of the M/s encounters I have had and my thoughts on it at this time. Gosh I am missing that.

Bliss
XX