Dragon's and gifts

It's interesting to me that something I think of as a gift and freedom sounds as if I'm being harsh and restricting in the thoughts of another.
I am so relieved to be revisiting step one and returning to day 1, well day 5 now. Addiction is a disease that kills. Not necessarily physically although how many times I get to feeling suicidal and have made attempts at my life in the past, just not able to live with using food, either over eating or restricting or bulimia. And yet also not being able to live without these coping mechanisms. Liking life without them seemed too difficult because these were my means for escape in various ways. And yet they were now killing me. Killing my soul. I spent years trying to find a way to control eat. Ultimately wanting to be thin but also wanting to be able to eat anything. The ideal would be to eat anything and as much as I want and still be thin. And of course not feel ashamed or disgusted with my eating habits. Or upset people, or have to steal food, or hide food, or sneak food, or feel so bad I just want to hide away, or arrange to be with friends to justify eating out, secret binges, eating dreadful foods and so on and so on. Just some of the behaviours and consequences that come to mind. And that's really not taking a close look at the mental illness that also impacted on my mum and my dad. even though it affected them in different ways.
So looking at the bigger picture, the chaos that ensues, and I might add very quickly these days, is very clear. When I do not have abstinent food life is chaotic and affects everyone around me including me.
S that means I truly need to get an understanding of powerlessness. This last issue with the cheese is not about the cheese itself, it's about the powerlessness. A friend who cares says not to be harsh on myself and keep it in perspective. I can see what she means. I can see that it may appear harsh to make a big deal about the cheese. I guess I didn't make clear in my thought stream that it's about being vigilant. I cannot afford to be anything but. And that requires me to be precise about the pre-agreed weights of my food. I have been given a fixed amount of weights and food types for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The evening before, I write down what I will have for each meal during the following day. And at the beginning of the day after 30 minutes of quiet time, I call my sponsor. This time is useful for sharing whatever is going on and then I read out my food plan for the day. That is commitment. Nothing more and nothing less and no alterations without first re-committing my food and checking my motives for any changes.
I cannot afford to deviate because when I do I am taking my will back and believing I have control over food. I know without doubt I am a food addict. And quite rightly I am many other things too. I am a friend, a daughter, a thinker, a hard working employee, a listener, a creator, a writer, a photographer, a listener of music, a walker. I am kind and thoughtful but sometimes I can be mean and selfish. I am intelligent but often not knowledgeable or wise, although I think I can be both of these too at different times. I am an emotional and sensitive person. I can be humorous. I am secretive at times but practising changing this more and more. And so on. I know I am many ore things than simply an addict. However, it is life and death for me that I put the addiction first. Simply by accepting that I'm a food addict reminds me that I need to keep my food abstinent, that means weighed and measured. I do not have flour and/or sugar. Of course fruit has natural sugar.
Oh yes this is a rigorous programme and not for the faint hearted. I truly was on my knees. I ope far enough down that I am in no doubt that I am powerless over food. I truly understand it now.
I will be mindful though of the tones I use to talk to myself about this. If my friend read it as harsh then there is room for improvement. Not room to change the abstinence. Oh no. I love my food weighed and measured and eaten at times that are pretty fixed too. All this provides the structure and means that dealing with life is exactly that and not dealing with life through a haze of a binge which in turn brings in guilt and shame and self-hatred. All of which chips away at the last few threads of self esteem I might have. And without self esteem there have been so many times that I've thought what's the point let's go now.

I am very sleep I think I might have a nap. Pity I didn't have a garden I felt like sitting in. I could lounge in the sun for a while before M arrives.

Mmmm a lovely phone call from an FA'er. It's nice to hear from familiar voices and relate. I humbled myself an told her about choosing to go back to day 1. It was interesting to hear her thoughts on complete and utter abstinence including the grey areas that can crop up in thinking.
I need to phone G and tell him that I can't do the chair on Tuesday. I have put off calling him. If he's at the meeting this evening I will tell him although it would be better to call him NOW! A art of the putting off is because I don't want him to think of me as anal. For goodness sake how can I be interested in this man????

I haven't made my 3 phone calls today. Who shall I call? D - apparently she qualified today. I am not sure about how comfortable I am how freely people talk about others. However this was innocent really.

As for thoughts on bi polar. Well here are some rantings written I think in highs. I was writing an email to a friend but thankfully did not send it. Just free writing as thoughts came into my mind.

"

Good morning.

I hope you won't mind me writing. I need to expel thoughts as I'm really am aware that I'm feeling manic. It's not the worse it can be but I'm beginning to be more acutely aware of the way up. It helps to write out the ideas.

I've entitled this dragon because I know in Chinese astrology the dragon is representative of high energy, not being able to sit still for long and flit from idea to idea. I'm actually born in the year of the rat and apparently need a lot of stimulation (so true) both mentally and physically. Another trait of being born a Rat is a mental restlessness. Lots of these traits coincide with my birth sign Gemini. I'm not sure how much I invest in these categorisations of people. It seems to me that we people need to create finite to feel safe, pigeon-holing so that we know. And knowledge offers the false belief of power and power represents stability and safety. Supposedly!

I hold a believe that it is true to a certain degree. But power is given.

I started writing this in the morning and was definitely higher than I am now. And thoughts were vivid and fast. Now I am drained and tired so things seem less clear.

I really wish I'd been able to finish writing this morning because I had such clear thoughts on the whole mental illness situation. Now it seems to have slipped away, like sand shifting through my fingers.

I feel as if I'm either on the way into highs or slipping back into lows. And although when slightly lower than this I really know that getting high is not what I want and it's as awful really as the lows I've been getting the excited feeling and finding it all very funny. I have started writing a lot. I think that helps to expound on ideas and expel the driving energy that feels more and more difficult to contain.

It was suggested by Occupational Health that I let my manager know. Ugh! That was such a painful thing to have to do. The shame and the fear of being judged as mad, crazy and incapable. I thought then that nothing I would ever say again would ever be taken seriously. It was said with the awareness that having been through several months of extreme stress and thankfully coming through it, then there has been a trigger into this.

But anyhow that wasn't what I was wanting to write about. But I am juddering inside at the fact that I did it. I think I did it all far too soon and impulsively. I think I should have asked Occ Health to be along with me. I just feel dreadful about having t have told them.

Isn't there a stigma with anything mental? People think they are sane and "normal".

What I realise is though that OK so I have a mental illness and that manifests in these extremes of highs and lows which recently I am either more aware of or they are more evident. Although similar that is not the same thing.

This mental illness manifests in so many different ways. None of the symptoms fit neatly into only one box. I have addiction, high states of mind which changes reasoning and increases a real need for high risks. It includes spending money, engaging with unsuitable men, in the past alcohol and drugs have fuelled greater and greater risk taking activities, (they happen without drink and drugs too), it drives this desire to write and create - isn't that just so weird. Then I think how could anyone ever take anything I ever do seriously because any ideas might just be the mental illness. Oh yes increasing paranoia. Fears of things like corners of the room and cupboards or thinking people have been in my flat. Who? Why?

I really wish I'd written my thoughts this morning because now it's all gone and it really helped me to see things at that time. Where has it slipped away to.

A restlessness. Ever since I can recall I have had stages of that restlessness. Wanting something so so badly but nothing feels to be the thing. My mum would takes ages suggesting doing this or that but it wasn't enough. Sometimes I wanted to be colouring in. Large very detailed pictures is what I wanted. Jigsaws actually were a good way to focus some of the energy. Somehow it was intense. Intensity was a good thing to be having.

Ugh just hit me again that I told the manager. I asked him not to tell anyone as well. Ugh ugh ugh! I so wish I hadn't. Bloody hell. Impulsive decisions. People shouldn't make suggestions when like this. I just do them!!

I am having ideas for sketches as well. Man!

I hope I get the clarity again to be able to write my theory down. Oh well. Just have to try and accept that it's gone.

I don't think I'll send this after all because it makes little sense and I feel a little loony with what I'm writing yet also know that that's because I can't retrieve the thoughts I had earlier.

Grrr

Have been thinking back about MP. Wondering how he got to be so sensitive. It was there long before I met him and long before we split up.

The greatest amends I can make is to stay away. At least I know that. But then his ex-girlfriend contacted me via FRU. How strange that was. That was a t the early stages of an increasing mania.

OK it's now the next morning. All the fuzzy headedness I had last evening is slightly clearer I think. I am wondering if some of this is hormonal as things have seemed to be shifting there over the last week. I had a spotty outbreak. One moment none and the next moment a lump rising over my face. It took a lot longer to clear away than it took for them to arrive. I could almost see it happening as I looked (always briefly) in the mirror. Also I had a couple of hot flushes. One was very embarrassing as I was talking to a man in the "rooms" that actually was slightly attractive. Suddenly I was flushed and sweaty. It was the rising heat from deep within that only hormones know how to do in such embarrassing style. However my pride has lowered and I carried on talking and if he got some kind of kick in thinking I fancied him or if he thought bloody hell she's a freaky bird, it really doesn't matter. And then I've had a couple of times walking realising that everything feels heavy and dragging but from inside of me. Every lift of my foot seemed to be a real effort for my leg and I could feel something in my tummy really drained at the effort.

So maybe it's more than mania or maybe it's connected.

I also think it's connected with stress levels that I've had during the last 4 nearly 5 months. I can see alot of my part in this now. That is not to say that I was wrong and I do not take ownership of anyone else's part in this. There could be a lot to be learnt not just by me but whether that opportunity is taken or not is something I can let go of.

These last months have felt like I'm pushing my way through a forest that is so dense there is no room to get around the trees. Instead I've had to push through the tiny gaps, ripping my skin at times and getting bruised and battered. It's been dark, cold and very frightening not knowing what sort of creatures will leap out and from which direction, from above, below, behind or in front of me. Trying to be alert to them and still pushing through the trees and feeling at times very lonely has been draining of all energy and crazy-making. It seemed like the forest was endless, getting past every tight squeeze just presented another one immediately and no light seemed to be shining through. And then suddenly I pushed past a tree only to fall right over the cliff edge. I didn't see it was there. It's relieving and freeing but also it's a bit of free fall right now. It represents I think this feeling of getting through the forest, realising that I've found a way through and the relief of that. Seeing that I was helped all the way but also forgetting that at times. That's ego stepping in. As if I did it and with that comes this free falling feel or wild excitement. The stress coupled with this high sense of achievement feels over stimulating in way. The mania or state that seems be rising during the day and then swooping into a low from the energy drain at night. I'm tired of it.

I'm getting some understanding though, even though it may seem very confusing to you.

In talking daily with my sponsor my acceptance of a mental illness is growing. Somehow the mania me needs to be acknowledged. I want people to recognise this side of me as valid. Not crazy and fool-hardy with ridiculous ideas, but a real part of me. I feel written-off when in this high. I think this is historical too as any ideas were simply disregarded and everyone (parents, especially my mum) waited for the high to die down and then "normality" to re-settle and then I would be listened to. But what about the high me. The ideas and desires are still valid. They are not "crazy" they are do-able and achievable although probably needed guidance and timeliness which in the high is what lacks. I am impulsive and racy. I recognise that and get to despise that bit because that's the bit that gets me into trouble in various ways. But it's also the bit that gets everything disregarded as being a little bit "fruit and nutty". How to get taken seriously? How to get the ideas into some sort of action before the despondency reappears and conformity engulfs the creative part. Why can't I have it all? Does everyone have this? Or do "normal" people have a constant balance to be creative and rational at the same time and appear balanced?

No one on this earth is perfectly normal. Everyone's brain wirings are unique, however the brains are all following a basic design. A design that is still on trial and approval. It's evolving and being tweeked with every generation even within our own lifetime. Evidence reveals this more and more. Some quirks just don't work at all and those used t die out, now medical advancement can keep those alive too more and more or at least lengthen the life span. maybe those quirks then will become differently attuned but because there are differences from the main design, the one that most people think of as normal, there are stigmas attached.

People are afraid of anything out of their normal sphere. For some that sphere is broader or narrower than others. We have to learn to deal with that. The population of this planet are fearful when out of the norm. I get fearful of just the slightest changes. But over these last months I have learnt so much about this fear and my prejudices that arise because of it. The defects of my character suddenly are all at the forefront. Supposedly trying to protect me but less and less do they work. Because there is something deeper and stronger that doesn't like the damage those elements of me cause. Now I could fade back into the despondency and withdraw. Depression and staying in my flat and avoiding. Sometimes I need to have rest time, that can be hours and days sometimes. But not letting that turn into avoidance is a real fine balance. The high is also some form of avoidance. I don't think I'm using it to get away, it's almost a way of getting involved. Elation. Super elation. It's as if something in me has been freed and as a result although I'm free falling it permits me to be who I am. And yet it's over the top? Is it though? The impulsive attitude and compulsion is not so helpful. After all telling by clinical manager yesterday has left me feeling anxious and ashamed. But I need to be careful of that self-hatred. This is pride and ego. I need humility and self love. I think being advised to tell him was OK but then I have such a need for the manic me to be acknowledged and accepted that I trotted off without checking in with anyone and slowing things down.

That is certainly what i need to do - slow myself down. I will take from a suggestion made to me and sit for extra quiet time this evening. 20 minutes. My quiet time anyway isn't very quiet with so many thoughts and words and images flying around my mind. Writing helps slow them and capture them. My sponsor is worried that I am over analysing. I probably am but I can't stop it. So writing helps (I think). Otherwise what do I do with all of these thoughts?

And then if I just let them pass they've been creations that fade into non existence.

Another morning. It's funny really that your dissertation should be along similar tracks.

This morning my head is slower and emptier. I can feel the distinct difference. An I want thoughts to be more orderly than the randomness that they've been in. It's incredible the difference.

Yesterday was a hectic day at work. There is so much to do it's non stop. And this is because we are no longer permitted to have sessionals to cover the gap made by someone being away on holiday"

Since then I realised that I really have been wanting someone to acknowledge the manic version of me as being just as real. I want to have the ideas acknowledged as OK even if there is muddled thinking. There does need some direction to get the ideas into an orderliness but that doesn't mean the ideas are not valid because it's in mania. I can see how my mum always dismissed this part of me and these ideas and wants without knowing what it was.

Bliss
xx

Self will and fear

"Willpower is like the super turbo boost button on video game: It works only for a limited duration of time. It needs time to recharge between uses. And the results of using it are somewhat unpredictable. It is a handy tool to have, and it sure is exciting when you mash that button, but if you use it too often you won't have it when you need it, and using it at the wrong time can cause a most spectacular crash."

I read this today when searching for alternative descriptions of powerlessness. I liked it. Now I know there is healthy self will. We need will power to get up in the morning and to take the action required to actually make this programme of recovery work. It's a programme of action as they say. The healthy will though is very much guided. Guided by my understanding of God and God speaks through people as well as through my conscience and through intuition and through the written words and through music and pieces of art and general creativity.
I need to be cautious when making decisions and then act on those decisions. The best thing to o is sit in quiet time and ask God for guidance. I can check things out with my sponsor and other FA'ers. I can talk things through with friends. I can read and I can write and I can listen, listen at meetings, listen, listen. listen and ask!

Now I have heard for many years that the only way to deal with with fear is to face it. I have heard people say that the only thing to fear is fear itself but I don't agree with this. As with all emotions I believe that to deal with fear it is important for me to trust. If I acknowledge the fear then I can choose to trust. When I trust I love the fear and this is the quote M has pulled out of a Sylvia Plath book. I can't remember the words she had written but the essence I think was "the only thing to love is fear itself".
I can love the fear that I faced with the situation at work. I was so terrified but not even sure what that fear was of? What did I thin could happen? Everything was changing I didn't feel qualified or capable. I was scared that I'd be discovered for being useless. And useless would mean unemployable. And without a job and an income I would be unable to love any quality of life at all. I ask myself what quality I am living now? Well it's basic but it's above average basic in some ways. And these things are purely material, well and events to enjoy and stimulate and create.
You see how messages come through so many sources. Inspirational.
Here is the quote from the book Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams by Sylvia Plath - "the only thing to love is fear itself. Love of fear is the beginning of wisdom.
I really  do embrace this concept. If I can face the fear then I will learn and grow. My faith grows. All will always be well regardless of what happens. An this is wisdom and growth in itself.

I am tired. I need to sleep

Bliss
XX