I'm home from Spain. I'm missing them already. Such a lovely family and being amongst them all was just like receiving a big loving hug. The first few days were truly quite agonising in my head. Nothing at all to do with my friends and the environment, all in my torturing head. Agonising over the situation at work and how "bad" I have been thinking I am. It's the default position. And once the thinking goes over and over this it's very difficult for me to pull out of it. Hence I was in need of calling out and becoming less self-centred. Thank goodness for my sponsor, B. She listened and kept repeating that I needed to bring God into my thoughts and ask God for help with this. Eventually I felt myself loosen up and also challenge the evidence I was bringing into the matter.
It all but consumed me. I couldn't focus on my studies, I couldn't be entirely present with my friends and I couldn't relax. I have been going over and over the deep dark hole that I feel I am in.
What is this hole? Well, with the new boss actually stating how she finds me very difficult I took on exactly what she said. Despite the fact that colleagues disputed her findings I took it all on whole heartedly. I forgot to also take stock of the facts that everyone else in the team is unhappy with the way she is managing (rather than team leading). I think it really threw me when she made it clear that she is OK with SH but it's me that's difficult for her. The thing is she is difficult for me too. I find her approach very disarming. All the things she said about me are things I sense in her. She said I was so changeable and she never knew what sort of mood I was going to be in. Maybe she is sensing me trying to keep my mouth shut and just get on with things but every so often I burst out of myself and do get involved in the affray. probably she doesn't like it when I don't and that's the unpredictable part - well maybe who knows? The thing is that she is uneven - she changes the limits depending on so many variables. I no longer know what the boundaries are. Perhaps she is projecting herself onto me? I have no idea. In my heart of hearts I know that the strangeness is not me. I seem to have taken that from what was said by someone else as well. In other words they indirectly suggested that I need to trust myself. They would not directly comment. Maybe I am just being hopeful to admonish myself. Who flipping well knows?
I am terrified of going into work tomorrow and discover that they are all getting on really well and then it really would be me that's the problem. I'm fed up that it is taking so much of my time.
If LK is wanting me to leave she's going about it well. Apparently it could be considered constructive dismissal. I thought that meant that people arranged for another to be dismissed. I didn't realise it could be creating a situation which means a person can no longer work there. The situation feels untenable but that's when the hole appears deeper and darker. I don't know what to do to get out. I don;t feel confident in myself to find another job. I would like a part time job that would cover my costs and give me some spending money. Ha ha. That sounds immediately impossible. But hey ho I can at least look. I would like it to be local too. I would love to reduce my travelling time and create more personal time for me as well as the critical reduction of travelling costs. I'd like to have the courage and the accreditation to set up a private practice. Please God show me what I need to do. This feels the most "right" thing, just the scariest.
I had a wonderful trip aside from my troubled head. I feel so very grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life. RF and her family, AB and her family, ML, AM, ET amongst the first few that come to mind. TH, KH, PD to name a few more. All these people seem t be there for me and have been nothing but lovely to me.
I managed to get some time sunning myself. It was lovely to feel the heat of the sun even though it was mainly through jumpers. I spent a lot of the time feeling cold and very tired. I worried slightly about this. I've never felt so tired for so many days. I slept a lot and am grateful that I could. I rode R's horse and loved it. I felt nervous I have to say but was gaining confidence on the second day. I wish I had gone earlier with R but I was attempting to stay focused on studying although it never did happen. I feel resentful that my troubles with work have encroached upon all things that I hold important outside of work. It's difficult to wear things loosely. Please God show me how to wear things loosely. I get the concept at an intellectual level but because I'm so engrossed and invested in this situation I can't seem to feel what that means right now. See I'm straight back into it.
The little girls were adorable although wary all the time. It was interesting and nice engaging with AW. I relate a lot with a number f things he talked about for example using the right cutlery to eat with. It can make all the difference to the enjoyment of a meal if the fork is just right, the knife too. But the fork for me seems the most important. It's about weight, and feel. I like it when there is an absolute balance if I rest the cutlery on my finger. Sounds silly? And it needs to be just the right weight. Also the end of the fork handle and knife come to that need to be smooth and rounded somehow. Difficult to explain. And the forks themselves need to be not too big but not to small. Occasionally I come across the perfect fork. I would like some decent cutlery actually. I wish I hadn't given CS the silver service but it was in payment of storing my possessions whilst I was in Spain early 2007. I stayed with the F's then for weeks. It was lovely then too. It was just awkward really, the situation with JB.
So back to my week away, restful in the sense of at least I was away from the actual trouble even though never away from it it my head. Wondering what I can do to change this, how I can be different without being defencive and this manifests in an aggressive way at times. What does the future hold - more of this poverty and unhappiness which raises the question then of "what's the point?" Several times I ran this question around and it was risky for my recovery. Because if there just unhappiness which seems to be a long projection of, then why bother staying in recovery or do anything. The easiest option then becomes to delve into depression, get signed off sick and laze on the settee day after day, eating, eating, eating! What a pitiful existence that becomes but there are moments when it seems a really good way out. Depression sets in and then I just drop out. Yet it's miserable in that as well.
Dealing with life on life's terms is very challenging at times. I'm not sure what I am going to learn from this experience. Right now it feels like and endless stream of unhappiness which is affecting every area of me. In the greater scheme of things it's not so bad. I think the conditions of living in this country contribute you know. It seems like a long haul of unfairness and disillusion, mirrored at work.
So off to bed. Really tired yet again. And then up and ready for work tomorrow. I have 2 1:1's after work so straight back into things. I hope the extra work will have given me some slack with my salary at the end of the month. I need to service my car and I suspect buy new tyres too. Not to mention the OD that keeps occurring. I must fill in the paperwork to apply for the bank charges to be returned. It's worth the effort. It's just finding the time. Tomorrow will be a very late evening. S will Friday. Saturday I'm at Uni. Sunday I need to write the flipping report and then I'm back to work for Monday. Aaaaargh! It's endless - the black hole again.
I'm going to take the whole of Wednesday off - I was due to have the afternoon off for training but I'm going to take the morning off with lieu time and go to the housing office, as well as employment agencies and then maybe some paperwork stuff too.
Tomorrow am I will do some printing in prep for Saturday as well as a little more prep for the report writing. Let's see how it all goes.
Oh and I want to get more writing done for my accreditation document.
Off to bed. Everything feels so exhausting all the time. Oh and it's weigh in day tomorrow morning. I'm anxious about that. Have I got to target? I was feeling bloated and fat even though slim. And perhaps I messed up even though I was eating as per normal. Then again if I'm at the target weight I'll be eating other food types and that's worrying. If I'm not losing size I'll feel ordinary. This is a whole other Blog to write. I will try and get the thinking out but not tonight.
Nighty night
Bliss
XX
Oh - as I flew over the white cliffs of Dover and then saw all the colourful countryside, I really appreciated Blighty suddenly. I loved being in Spain but it was just seeing the greens and different fields and varieties of trees and so on that suddenly the blue skies, sea and mountains were behind me but also stark somehow compared to what I was flying over at home.
The scent of the orange blossom and sea view were gorgeous. The warmth of the sun and being able to swim in a heated pool were wonderful. But so was the flyover southern England. Interesting. I want it all.
It all but consumed me. I couldn't focus on my studies, I couldn't be entirely present with my friends and I couldn't relax. I have been going over and over the deep dark hole that I feel I am in.
What is this hole? Well, with the new boss actually stating how she finds me very difficult I took on exactly what she said. Despite the fact that colleagues disputed her findings I took it all on whole heartedly. I forgot to also take stock of the facts that everyone else in the team is unhappy with the way she is managing (rather than team leading). I think it really threw me when she made it clear that she is OK with SH but it's me that's difficult for her. The thing is she is difficult for me too. I find her approach very disarming. All the things she said about me are things I sense in her. She said I was so changeable and she never knew what sort of mood I was going to be in. Maybe she is sensing me trying to keep my mouth shut and just get on with things but every so often I burst out of myself and do get involved in the affray. probably she doesn't like it when I don't and that's the unpredictable part - well maybe who knows? The thing is that she is uneven - she changes the limits depending on so many variables. I no longer know what the boundaries are. Perhaps she is projecting herself onto me? I have no idea. In my heart of hearts I know that the strangeness is not me. I seem to have taken that from what was said by someone else as well. In other words they indirectly suggested that I need to trust myself. They would not directly comment. Maybe I am just being hopeful to admonish myself. Who flipping well knows?
I am terrified of going into work tomorrow and discover that they are all getting on really well and then it really would be me that's the problem. I'm fed up that it is taking so much of my time.
If LK is wanting me to leave she's going about it well. Apparently it could be considered constructive dismissal. I thought that meant that people arranged for another to be dismissed. I didn't realise it could be creating a situation which means a person can no longer work there. The situation feels untenable but that's when the hole appears deeper and darker. I don't know what to do to get out. I don;t feel confident in myself to find another job. I would like a part time job that would cover my costs and give me some spending money. Ha ha. That sounds immediately impossible. But hey ho I can at least look. I would like it to be local too. I would love to reduce my travelling time and create more personal time for me as well as the critical reduction of travelling costs. I'd like to have the courage and the accreditation to set up a private practice. Please God show me what I need to do. This feels the most "right" thing, just the scariest.
I had a wonderful trip aside from my troubled head. I feel so very grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life. RF and her family, AB and her family, ML, AM, ET amongst the first few that come to mind. TH, KH, PD to name a few more. All these people seem t be there for me and have been nothing but lovely to me.
I managed to get some time sunning myself. It was lovely to feel the heat of the sun even though it was mainly through jumpers. I spent a lot of the time feeling cold and very tired. I worried slightly about this. I've never felt so tired for so many days. I slept a lot and am grateful that I could. I rode R's horse and loved it. I felt nervous I have to say but was gaining confidence on the second day. I wish I had gone earlier with R but I was attempting to stay focused on studying although it never did happen. I feel resentful that my troubles with work have encroached upon all things that I hold important outside of work. It's difficult to wear things loosely. Please God show me how to wear things loosely. I get the concept at an intellectual level but because I'm so engrossed and invested in this situation I can't seem to feel what that means right now. See I'm straight back into it.
The little girls were adorable although wary all the time. It was interesting and nice engaging with AW. I relate a lot with a number f things he talked about for example using the right cutlery to eat with. It can make all the difference to the enjoyment of a meal if the fork is just right, the knife too. But the fork for me seems the most important. It's about weight, and feel. I like it when there is an absolute balance if I rest the cutlery on my finger. Sounds silly? And it needs to be just the right weight. Also the end of the fork handle and knife come to that need to be smooth and rounded somehow. Difficult to explain. And the forks themselves need to be not too big but not to small. Occasionally I come across the perfect fork. I would like some decent cutlery actually. I wish I hadn't given CS the silver service but it was in payment of storing my possessions whilst I was in Spain early 2007. I stayed with the F's then for weeks. It was lovely then too. It was just awkward really, the situation with JB.
So back to my week away, restful in the sense of at least I was away from the actual trouble even though never away from it it my head. Wondering what I can do to change this, how I can be different without being defencive and this manifests in an aggressive way at times. What does the future hold - more of this poverty and unhappiness which raises the question then of "what's the point?" Several times I ran this question around and it was risky for my recovery. Because if there just unhappiness which seems to be a long projection of, then why bother staying in recovery or do anything. The easiest option then becomes to delve into depression, get signed off sick and laze on the settee day after day, eating, eating, eating! What a pitiful existence that becomes but there are moments when it seems a really good way out. Depression sets in and then I just drop out. Yet it's miserable in that as well.
Dealing with life on life's terms is very challenging at times. I'm not sure what I am going to learn from this experience. Right now it feels like and endless stream of unhappiness which is affecting every area of me. In the greater scheme of things it's not so bad. I think the conditions of living in this country contribute you know. It seems like a long haul of unfairness and disillusion, mirrored at work.
So off to bed. Really tired yet again. And then up and ready for work tomorrow. I have 2 1:1's after work so straight back into things. I hope the extra work will have given me some slack with my salary at the end of the month. I need to service my car and I suspect buy new tyres too. Not to mention the OD that keeps occurring. I must fill in the paperwork to apply for the bank charges to be returned. It's worth the effort. It's just finding the time. Tomorrow will be a very late evening. S will Friday. Saturday I'm at Uni. Sunday I need to write the flipping report and then I'm back to work for Monday. Aaaaargh! It's endless - the black hole again.
I'm going to take the whole of Wednesday off - I was due to have the afternoon off for training but I'm going to take the morning off with lieu time and go to the housing office, as well as employment agencies and then maybe some paperwork stuff too.
Tomorrow am I will do some printing in prep for Saturday as well as a little more prep for the report writing. Let's see how it all goes.
Oh and I want to get more writing done for my accreditation document.
Off to bed. Everything feels so exhausting all the time. Oh and it's weigh in day tomorrow morning. I'm anxious about that. Have I got to target? I was feeling bloated and fat even though slim. And perhaps I messed up even though I was eating as per normal. Then again if I'm at the target weight I'll be eating other food types and that's worrying. If I'm not losing size I'll feel ordinary. This is a whole other Blog to write. I will try and get the thinking out but not tonight.
Nighty night
Bliss
XX
Oh - as I flew over the white cliffs of Dover and then saw all the colourful countryside, I really appreciated Blighty suddenly. I loved being in Spain but it was just seeing the greens and different fields and varieties of trees and so on that suddenly the blue skies, sea and mountains were behind me but also stark somehow compared to what I was flying over at home.
The scent of the orange blossom and sea view were gorgeous. The warmth of the sun and being able to swim in a heated pool were wonderful. But so was the flyover southern England. Interesting. I want it all.
