Dacryogogue

Where did I get to.
Oh G made contact with me. By text. It was friendly. He asked if I was enjoying my new found freedom. The answer was "Nope! Miss you. Love you. Like you". He said goodie and then we discussed meeting up. I said that the terms and conditions would need to be different. He asked where he needed to sign.
We met on Saturday for a walk. He came over to me at first suggesting midday. I delayed it until 1pm because I decided to go to the hospital. Not to see my dad but to speak with the nurses. I had finally managed to speak with Dr U on Friday night but I wanted to show a presence and ask the nurses what they thought was his condition and what would happen next. They explained that he'd had the cat scan but still was eating very little. They were trying to persuade him to eat. But he was drinking more and had been sitting up earlier. I left with that news but before I did I asked them if they could tell my dad I had visited and to call me if he felt up to it later on.
Well Later on he did call. It was early evening. He was angry and didn't want me to bother the nurses anymore. He said I was to call no more than once a week. He would call me if there was anything to tell me that I should know. He didn't want me contacting Dr M. D had told him I was going to see Dr M, he didn't want that. I said that was not the case at all. He said nothing to that. I mentioned the fact that he'd had D visit him. He said nothing to that either.
I was upset and he said "you are always snivelling". It's true I do cry a lot. Isn't it okay to cry? No not for him. It never has been. He's been nothing but demeaning about his mother always crying or my mum or me. I was a little girl and he would criticise me for crying. It's always been the same. The rejection and the criticism. Always. And when I tell people that he's said these things they seem to make excuses for him, saying that it's because he's unwell. He's always frigging been like this. Putting other people before my mum or me. They would get all the niceness and glory. We would get the second citizen treatment. Why?
 I suppose I can easily take people for granted. And why do it do that?
A new person can come along and I will become totally absorbed with them forsaking those that are constant in my lie. I do that when a new man comes into my life until gradually they become the norm too. Why? Is this partly the way of things - the new is exciting and variety. But I think it can go to an extreme. I want to be more mindful to be grateful for those people in my life and show it too.
Please Universe guide me in this and remove that forsaking of those that really do matter to me. Help me to show that they matter as much as they do. Wow! I can be so selfish.
My dad is that way without realising it I am sure. And actually I can respect his wishes because I do have a programme. It fills me with sadness. I have felt melancholy now for days and days. But that's okay in the greater scheme of things. I am certain I will be okay.

So G. Well he doesn't want to lose me but he doesn't want to lose the situation at Elstead. He is insistent that the relationship is in my imagination and that I am making assumptions. But I really am not okay with it. He says he needs time. I am not okay with it anyway. It drives me nuts. Already it's driving me crazy. I think it is so much better for us not to be living together as we were. it was never discussed he was just there permanently. And driving himself stir crazy in the process.
I said what I wanted so as not to be lost. He suggested he stays. He also thought we had had some kind of tiff. He said that I was proud and wasn't going to contact him. Too right I wasn't because it was over as far as I was concerned.
I do not want to be seeing someone who I cannot contact when he is with this woman in case it upsets her. I do not want to be with someone who is receiving texts and responding to them. I do not want to be with someone who sits in silence and deep moods without ever wanting to talk about it and who runs off to Elstead where he ca find peace and be happier. If he is happier there then he an choose that life. He cannot have me just when it suits him.
But what did I do? I agreed to him staying oer. I didn't want to be without him for the evening and night. And despite everything I said I allowed him to have sex with me. I didn't want sex but I was beguiled and hurting. I said that if we did it would be the last time. I think it will have to be. He asked me to assure hi that it wouldn't be the last time.
The thing is it gets all stupid the toing and froing that I then do. Saying one things and doing another. It makes my word meaningless. So am I going to have a time of going backwards and forwards. Not trusting him as I know he tells Mrs E untruths to stop her from being hurt,. stop her from knowing the truth so that he doesn't lose the bits he likes. I cannot trust him. If he can do that to her he can do it with me.
He wants the truth from me because he finds it difficult to trust. He's right. I can tell half stories to avoid the shame I feel and the threat of losing the person if they know and judge me. I need to put faith in the bigger picture rather than hold onto that fear within the minutiae. I can either decide to push the doubt and negativity aside and trust that the truth will be revealed to me. It's a pride thing. i do not want to be made a fool of. And a pride thing thinking she will think she has won. Furthermore how dare he think he can have both. He cannot have me. I do not want to be in a relationship that involves another woman in this way. But he can turn it so that I feel the cad. He says there is no relationship yet he enjoys her company he takes her messages and responds he takes her to meetings. It's not okay with me. He doesn't want to lose me and I am not judging him for the way things are with Mrs E. If that's what he wants then it's truly what I want him t have. But I do not want to be involved.
I have a slight doubt wondering if I am cutting my nose to spite my face. Which is what keeps me just holding on for a little bit.
He told me he has arranged to meet his friend N, nicknamed Erst as he always talks about his erstwhile missus. Anyway I know he has told Mrs E that he has arranged to meet Erst when in fact he was with me. Do I raise this? Or do I leave it. He said he'd arranged this as I had said I didn't want to see him tonight after all. I hadn't said that but sobeit that's what he understood.
PD said today that this was similar to JH. Why can't I meet uncomplicated men? I smiled. He is so right. What is the lesson to learn here. I know that one is sticking with my boundaries. I could suggest again that we remain friends as best as that can be. And in time if he becomes more available then we could see what happens. But this way he thinks he can see me have sex and carry on just as it was. I do not want to be seeing him with him lying to me. I do not want evenings where he is texting to and fro with her. I do not want sex with him whilst he is taking his time that he said he needed. I need to maintain that boundary.
I have to be honest with my sponsor tomorrow. I feel certain that she will be disappointed with me. I certainly got a little bit of a fix I suppose having had all those feelings with my dad.
Oddly enough I felt numb for a while and whilst deeply hurt also some relief. I am worried that it is simply a numbing out of the rage and depth of hurt that is as yet untapped into. I hope not though and it is actually acceptance that all these years, my entire lifetime I have been trying to please my dad and be accepted by him. But it has been useless. Whatever I've tried I cannot get anything much from him. Occasionally I've been buddies with him when I was criticising people just as he was or siding with him against my mum. How terrible it was in our household, always two siding together against the other. I hated it when my mum sided with my dad. I felt scared and very alone.
So that's a little update.
I am writing Step Four so there is a lot of self awareness arising. It's interesting. I hope I can learn and move away from some of the patterns. My neediness of men is one of them.

Good night
Bliss
XX

Oh I forgot to mention that I am house sitting. The man purpose is to be present for the 21 year old foster girl. She has learnt today that she will get her own home in February. That is fantastic news for her. It's a nice enough house and very quiet here. I do feel odd and that's probably contributing to thinking about G and where is he etc. When Last week I didn't think once about what he was doing. It didn't matter anymore.
Anyhow it's evening number 2. I've done all of my washing. That's helpful. The journey is much reduced and so I can leave a little later in the morning and get back earlier. I am saving on my electricity bills as well as saving on fuel costs. To help further I am doing a four day a week from now on whilst I am studying and that begins this Friday.
So with a bit of luck I might save a bit oh and I am being paid the money that S and C would receive for foster caring R. It's £120 towards my washing machine. I am a bit pissed off with G that he didn't offer me the £10 he took the night before we divorced. He bought tobacco. And I think he thinks the putting in of the shower is repayment for the £240 he borrowed for his tyres.
Hmmmm. And He mentioned giving my key back but didn't give it back.
I think there are still things to be clarified. He seems to think all the talking is done. I am far from done. I am still assessing the situation.
B x

 

New Job New Life

Bloody hell! 2013 has started with an emotional roller coaster.
I visited my dad on Monday. New Years Eve. Thank goodness I was spending the evening with AB. I feel safe there to be how I feel even though it irritates me when A has a Pollyanna view of everything.
The door was left ajar. My dad was sitting in the armchair. He looked deathly. So tiny and frail. Having seen him a couple of months ago when he had lost a lot of weight then was shocking enough.
We had little to say. I was there for an hour and found it difficult to make the decision to leave. It felt rude. For goodness sake this is my father.
How can a relationship with a father be so awkward.
We talked a little about CS's impending death. He may already have been dead. I have since left a message for JF just to see if I can gather any news. I would like to attend the funeral if I can.
As I was preparing to leave my dad asked me to take some note paper. He instructed me like a bloody sergeant. Anyway I did it with good grace. He told me to write my mobile number down for the neighbours. I was relieved. I had asked him to give them my number a while ago when he first told me they were really helping. He also asked me to put JB's number down. I then went to see them. And although feeling a little together I burst into tears. They were so lovely. They told me that T was very difficult and when she was home they were less able to offer assistance. But they said my dad was a lovely man, that they really liked him a lot. And they were only too pleased to be able to help him. B gets the paper for him every day and M tries to get him to eat. They were relieved that I was involved and now a contact. They gave me T's daughters numbers.
I left. Gosh it was so painful and frightening seeing my dad that way.
I felt so helpless and terribly alone with this. Desperate I just didn't know what to do. The distance between is so great there seemed little I could do and also greedily, vulture-like I was getting concerned about the future if he dies before T. What about my GREATER part of the inheritance. Ugh! I find that so ugly in myself and ever since then keep practising letting it go. It will be what it will be. For so long I've been counting on it to get me out of the hole I see myself in. I need to start being grateful for what I have got and if I want something different I need to work towards it. I think it is often I want an easier, softer way such as inheritance or meeting a rich man who will provide all that I want. Ha! And every man I've met has really not been terribly wealthy at all or I leave just before they start to make something of themselves. Look at SH. Apparently his business is steaming upwards now. The thing is I can never sell my soul for money in that way. The unhappy relationship just isn't worth it. And yet I see so many women do that. The irony is that I could sell my body for sex. Sometimes even just give it away.
My dad seemed to have got confused over night that JB was visiting the next day. The neighbours told me so. I got in contact with JB and was talking as if he was going. He informed me that when speaking with my dad there had seemed to be this misunderstanding. I wanted him to go. You see I felt that my dad need hospitalisation. But my dad would never ever take that from me. Furthermore I always think I'm making a drama and fuss about nothing. So when JB agreed to see him and called me afterwards expressing equally his deep concern I was relieved. So I resolved the next day to contact his GP and insist someone get out to see my dad. I was as usual scared to make the call straight away. I kept thinking my dad will be furors and am I just making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Especially as when talking with D on New Years Eve when I visited my dad she said that he was perkier than he had been. Bloody hell. Honestly he looked like death. Death in his eyes. Yet there was an uprightness about him. His anger since suggests that there is till a will to live. Who bloody knows with my dad?
Anyway I had so much compassion for my dad. I wanted to help.
The neighbours called me on 2 Jan to tell me that my dad had arranged to get to hospital. B was taking him. I was so relieved. I felt like I was doing something and nothing at all. I thankfully didn't need to in the end.
So my first day at work with PD was great. I felt dreadful and not excited but also very excited.
It was easy going. I had a tour of our offices. In true PD fashion everything was in his order and I smiled inwardly.
Gratefully he permitted me to leave after lunch. I drove straight to QA. As I walked in I was terrified knowing he would be angry that I was there. He was.
I managed to get him to put me as a secondary next of kin. Or rather the staff nurse did. I filled her in a little, saying that he was so difficult but that the rift was historical. She just listened. It was she that insisted my dad had a secondary next of kin because T is still unwell.
My dad did tell me that T is jealous of me and that I can ring around her daugthers and she knows it. This was in response to me asking why she disliked me so much. He had told me he gets a lot of grief is she knows I've been involved. It was hurtful to learn from the daughters that they do visit all the time. They've been involved all along - a lot. He has always maintained that they hardly ever visit.
They keep telling me about all the times they are seeing him in hospital when he's told me he doesn't want me to visit.
So I decided that i would respect his wishes but instead would phone and on advice from D and JH I would push and enquire what action is being taken. I managed to speak with the on duty consultant although I'd been repeatedly asking to speak with Dr M. A scan had still not been done and I mentioned this to the Dr U. He seems to have expedited that thank goodness. So when Dr M is back today at least the scan results will be on their way.
Actually initially when I spoke with D it was a relief ...
There is more.
This was all about my first few days of 2013 and the first day of my new job. Things are changing rapidly. Read on when I next can write.
Bliss
XX