Countdown

Well the first of my last 4 days are over. It feels unreal at this time. Just like the days are as normal.
With my high levels of anxiety being easily triggered I noticed when I got home that I have 2 missed calls from an "unknown" number. That in the past has been the P hospital calling. Now I am worried that there is somehting wrong with my new job. I have to wait until tomorrow. Teach me for forgetting to take my mobile phone in.
From the start I have been worried about the references showing the level of sickness I have had. Now I don't really know if it's a high amount of days off but for me the fact that I have had any sick days is too many. When I have been off it's been absolutely genuine but I still have that strong message from my childhood - only weak people are sick and similar such impressions I have taken on.
And this evening I felt a real ouch of sensitivity. This is a long winded story to get to the point of sensitivity. Try and remember that this is where this story starts.
A little while ago my friends A, M and S and I agreed that we would meet each month for a long walk followed by lunch. And each month one of us would choose the walk and the lunch location. This month, the third time we've done it, was my turn to organise. I resourced a 10 mile walk from my front door and back and then a short drive to a recommended pub just 10 mins drive away (a little expensive but good food - all local produce. Yep everything! - and a very nice atmosphere). S, one of the four is currently struggling with a bad back and therefore is not coming on the walks but joining us for the lunches. Next month, it's her turn to organise the lunch and between the rest of us, we will sort out the walk. The walk was great. Fresh air, sunshine, a little chilly. We climbed Butser Hill, the highest point in Hampshire apparently. It was so clear we could not only see the cost but could see out to sea. And furthermore, views all aroudn fo the South Downs. Beautiful! I am very, very fortunate to live in such a pretty aprt of the country.
At this point I digress - the flirty, non-adult in me is now really interested in living by rough coastlines and raging seas - why? ( I love being amidst trees - even miss them when I don't get a fair share). Well because an old friend, and I mean a friend from many years ago but the friend bit is really tenuous as I barely remembered him when my other friend mentioned him, and I have had some email contact that I instigated. In his recent mail he mentioned how he would like to live by a rugged coastline and rough seas. Thankfully I am much more self aware in recent years and know how just a smile an have me inagining marriage and where we live and the lifestyle etc etc. It takes seconds to get there. So being self-aware I am able to acknowledge that, with some embarrassment I might mention, put it aside and have correspondance with my dignity and integrity intact. It is however important for me to mention thse wild imaginings and flirty thoughts to my closest friends. And I have done despite feeling foolish and being laughed at - with affection that I can take.
Anyway back to the walk, well moving on actually to the lunch. M and I sat on one side of the table where M noticed a table of 4 men who looked reasonably attractive. Now S I think wanted to be able to see them but she had her back to them and I don't think A was really that interested in her avoidance of such things. This might sound like I am man mad. No, no, no. I like to think it's a healthy interest much different from the antics of some 8 years ago. It was very different indeed then.
Anyway M mentioned to me that the men had not paid any attnetion to us at all. Now my first thought was, well of course not I am too ugly to attract any of their attention. My second thought was they may have been gay. My third thought was that they may be decent men, out for a boys lunch with their wives at home waiting after a game of golf or something. I mentioned this onto S. She sent me a text that really triggered two levels of severe sensitivity.
In her text she said that perhaps if they had seen her they would have looked again. She did add - a cheeky comment which I guess was meant to mean a jokey text. However I read into it her arrogance, and her jealousy that M and I had a great view. There was also a setting around the table that was conjusive to S and A talkign together and M and I talking together. I had a sense that S might be jealous. Anyway that's just me reading into things and how jealous I would be if 2 people were having conversatons about something I would want to be included in. S is particuarly keen to meet someon - it's a real drive in her right now.
Anyway, blah blah blah. The next thing I thought about this text was upset. So she thinks she is pretty and I am ugly. OUCH!!! She believes what I believe you see - there's the evidence I am ugly despite people trying to tell me otherwise.
But then it turned into a self berating. She was just joking, why can't I have a sense of humour? I take everything so seriously. I can't lighten up. I have no sense of humour. I am a bad person. I am not worth knowing.
What I did next was very different from the building of resentment and hatred towards her. I said all of that without the self-berating bit in a text back. I said how sensitive I had been but then also how I am so unknowing of the fine line between being able to laugh and allowing my sensitivity to tell me something hurts.
I had a lovely text back. S said that her remark was very tongue in cheek and hadn't thought how it might sound. She was sorry it hit a sore point and wasn't what was intended at all. She said that she hadn't though about it because she doesn't see me as ugly.
I do notice though that she doesn't say I am attractive. See I can't let it go can I?
I said thank you S.
Relief and friendship in tact - then codependently worried that she thinks I am an arse and - oh shut up.

Now back to the male friend. I sent an email last night and it was on my mind that he might reply. He is so not an addict - no f g reply. I am pleased because it doesn't tap into my addictive nature and feed it. It also means that I can just get on with some studying.
Ha ha and here I am typing on my blog.
Right right right - some studying - 1 hour and then maybe even an early night.
I have eaten - had a nice pudding and as always when I have had a nice pudding I want some more.
Feeling very hormonally bloated and fat tonight. Uncomfortable. I hate the menopause. Still having it comparatively early may mean that I will be through it sooner and things will improve before I am ageing with age - if you know what I mean???
Phew. I tell you it's damned complicated being me sometimes - most of the time.

It was difficult working today with my clients, thinking of Russell and worrying about them.

Morning after

I cried a lot last night. Not just for Russell but for all the other addicts whose lives are snuffed out. It's not about the choice not to use drugs or alcohol but the lack of choice - the emotions that seem so difficult to deal with.
I felt very very bleak and black last night. Not so much this morning. This morning I am in disbelief about Russell. I remember feeling that with every single addict that has died since I've been working with addiction too. S just before Christmas. The same thing. I keep picturing them dead. It's possibly a way to make it more real. Because, of course, I won't be at Russell's funeral. I didn't know him that well really. I kne him and chatted to him if I was at a meeting or saw him in passing but I wasn't a friend of his nor he mine. So they only way to get to grips is to picture him dead. It might seem weird to others. I think it's a tactic, maybe it's just torture.
I did want to use last night though. I wanted to be dead too. That is such an easy corner to skulk off to.

I remember with my mum, when she first died, that it would suddenly hit me that she had died. It seemed like I would forget every few minutes and the pain when I remembered was just like a knife cutting through my heart. Phew emotional pain has got to be the worst for me.
I still miss Frank. He died, wow, in 1986 or 1987? Can't quite remember, oh no it was 1986 or 1987 that I finally found out and his mother told me he had died 2 years earlier. osh I still can't believe he is dead.
I find loss through death painful. I find loss of living people difficult too.

In this country it's all so tabboo to talk about it aswell. When women wail in areas like the Middle East or there is grieving like the older Europeans do with the curtains of the homes closed and wearing black and openly crying, I think it is so much healthier. We are all going to die. I prefer to talk about the peson that has died and express my feelings. I wouldn't have said this before though. So I must let go of the anger that I am arousing about this. The anger is certainly linked to something else, perhaps the futile death of someone so young having died. I am angry with Russell for dying. Bloody hell Russell!

I was about to start writing knowing that I have a little audience of one - hello if you are reading - and it would have been all intellectual nonsense. The trouble is I can let ego take over and write from my head instead of my heart. That's nothing to do with the reader/s. It's to do with my ego.
I posited the question to a few people about how they manage their ego. Only one person has responded saying let's talk. Ha! I will see her tomorrow so I will see if we can instigate a conversation about ego. It's taken a while for me to even get a little understanding about ego. I have looked up the word so many times.
I experienced it though this last week. It's quite sneaky.
Having recieved these messages via FRU from my first husbands third wife - already sounds damned complicated doesn't it? - I interpreted from what she was saying that M had really really been hurt by my leaving. What's worse and I had never been sure, he blames me for being so "moody" with the following wives/partners because I had affairs. I had never been sure that he knew I was having an affair. I was 21 he was 24/25. The marriage was such a messy nonsense. We were separated after 3 months. I am going into justification now. I am not at all proud of behaving in such a hurtful way. I have always known I hurt him. I would love to be able to remove that hurt. I have felt such shame through the years for my behaviours.
I am much much more aware these days. I can see how bloody fucked up my notion of love and sex etc is. With such low self esteem the only way I knew how to relate to men was sexually and yet if they wanted sex it meant that they were torturing me. Sex with strangers -easy! Sex with someone I want to love and cherish me - bastard! I have felt so horrid that I have felt like really hurting that person physically.Ugh I can feel that disgust and angst even now.
Well I would like the opportunity to say to M how deeply sorry I am for my behaviour. I want to tell him that it's a pity that the work I have done to date started so late and too late not to cause harm to him and others. BY this blog I put it into the Universe that I am truly truly sorry. And I hope that with my self awareness and continuing work on myself I will not intentionally cause such harm again.
Sorry.

Russell

Russell died last night!

It's just so so weird. It hurts so much. It's not that I knew him incredibly well or had a really close relationship. It's death itself that hurts.

What is it? There's a connection. The connection I think is he WAS in recovery, then he relapsed and he's dead.

The weirdest thing of all? I spoke with him on the phone on Wednesday. In the 5 years he's been in the rooms I have never ever called him. I cannot reconcile this. I spoke with him. It's the suddenness of him being snapped out of life.

I rang a bell for him tonight.

I will remember him saying I will pass the goblet instead of passing the pot.

He wore funny jumpers.

Bloody hell he shared for ages, every time and all around the houses.

He died in hospital.

My mum on Mother's Day

Usually Mother's Day has little impact on me. This year has been oddly different but not so odd really.
Working my steps I am at step 8 - Made a list of people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them.
I have a lot of raw awareness recently from working steps 6 and 7 and it's been coincidental that a lot of people from my past both recent past and distant past too who have helped with the increasing self awareness and the realisation of amends.

I was usually late or disruptive with things like my mum's birthday and Mother's Day and Christmas - the perceived major days of the year which my mum took very seriously.
Today I am aware yet again how often I upset her. She was an incredible woman, eccentric, funny, very caring, very differing views on matters than some of my own, feisty, vivacious, well liked and so on. She was larger than life at times and I loved her very much.
I am so so sorry that I didn't value her more when she was alive and at times respect her more like the little things that were so important to her. I could have been less selfish at times but I was so bloody arrogant and stubborn (and very very ill with addiction).
I know she loved me very much and I loved her and still do.
I miss her so that it hurts in my heart. The pain sometimes is so great it feels like I could explode with it.

I managed to put my selfish aside today for an hour and drove to her grave. It means little to me - she is not there and all I remember of it is putting her coffin in that hole. Some people I know find something helpful about a grave. However, I know my mum would like to think people would tend her grave and put flowers there. And so I did despite really not wanting to - having to go out when I needed to be studying and just not wanting to make the effort as it means so little to me. I did it in her honour and to say sorry.
I cried all the way there so stopped and bought myself a cafetiere which I have avoided for years. I don't seem to live life without something addictive - my food is in order but my caffeine intake has increased so that the effect is no longer happening. Poo.

So yes my heart is aching for her. If only she could come back. It's not spirit her or anything else that I want it's alive her. I want to cuddle her, I want to smell her, I want to here her voice, I want to see her laughing which in itself used to make me laugh. She rolled with laughter. Even her annoying ways I want. She used to phone me at least 5 times a day with absolutely rubbish news. I want that too. She had so many funny tales that made up her life, I would just hurt with laughter listening to her.

I feel as if I carry so much sorrow sometimes.

Stuck stuck stuck

I am trying to say that the fact that there are a number of theories that have been devloped since Heider's initial theory of attribution, suggests that there is something in the

Gosh the mist is so low I can no longer see the hill. Is it a very very low cloud?

Ok foudn a way to say that. Now I am really wanting to distract from my essay but ....... what I want to go on and talk about next is biases and the value that this has brough to us understanding how this has helped understand how people perceive and explain their environment.
Bias seems to keep us safe in a kind of denial way - in a way that keep us from being responsible or for being in the safe group. And there are attribution theories of bias - Tajfels SIT theory of ingroup outgroup somehow seems to support what it si I am trying to say - I can't bring it all together. I can see that there is this research from another poitn of view - a more wualitative view which concludes that attributions a re taking place. So that shows that attributions theories are taking place in how we perceive and explan the world.
How the hell do I bring this all together???????


Ended up doing myself a roast vegetable feast with oven baked salmon and garlic with brussels and curly kale. Finally followed with a nearly badly burnt but only slightly blackened fruit scone with as far as I could tell no fruit! Tecsco cheap-skates (is that the term?)
And having only just finished at 21.13 - very very late for dinner.

The good news is I have done 1300 words - just 200 more to go????!!!!!

The machine-based logical models of information shortcomings -

Gosh I am tired but so nearly nearly there! Now going to be over the word count . Bloody hell
Boring boring blog writer signing out. Night

Balk at people attempting to control me

I heard this today when someone was sharing about being controlling and balking at attempts by others to control her. Wow, that's it. I react very badly when it feels as if people are trying to control. Manipulation, outward and obvious control, in whatever form I sense it and lash out.
I have sensed it - P...., parents, V......, when she shared about not knowing whether it's food type cravings or emotions. I can't think of any more examples right at this moment.
I lashed out at P when I felt as if she was labelling and boxing me into a corner, I had to respond to V's text about sweet things thinking, although I didn't believe she would, that she was criticising me eating all food types include sweet things. I feel it with H. I was talking about a recent OA reading about opinions and the fine line in having opinions and sharing them to have a voice int he world or keeping quiet because my opinions do not need to be out there. She told me it's OK to have opinions and voice them. I feel controlled by her and I really really have a huge resentment with her. She winds me up. She assumes I know nothing. She treats me like a fool. That's how I feel. Higher Power, how do I deal with that. Do I have my voice. Clearly there is a voice to be heard. If I could say anything to her without having to be loving and caring I would say "look, it's not that I don't know intellectually. It's up for discussion, how different people deal with this. I bloody well know it's OK to have opinions, I have them. I know too that I can be controlling with them and other times I can feel to worthless to think my opinions count. I was then confused by the reading and you come out with "it's OK to have opinions" I know that you stupid stupid woman. But what I would like to know is what you think the reading is referring to". The problem is I didn't have the reading to hand.
So how would I say that without being so offensive?
I was glad to speak with V and apologise for my sensitivity but glad to recognise within the meeting that I am so so sensitive to even the slightest hint of control and that's what I was reading. She said it wasn't mean that way and that was fie I think. My codependency is taking it all on that now I have offended her by saying ow I felt even though she wasn't and blah blah blah.
Bloody hell the complications of relating with people. I guess other people either aren't as sensitive or I over analyse. I am pretty anxious about a lot of things at the moment and very uncertain of myself.
I think this is based on the fact that I have been off sick this week when really I would have been well enough to work. I wish now I had returned to work instead of staying at home to do my essay and I have done barely anything. Guilt is what is causing my anxiety I believe. I hope I can learn from this lesson.
I am so so pleased for T being offered exhibits for her work and with an income from it. An agency offering to take her on is great. Although she could do it herself and have all the income it's not her area of expertise and trying to do the admin removes her from being creative. There's a fine line in there somewhere. I think I would have negotiated on the 35% fee for exhibitions that approach T direct and she hands over to the agent. And maybe even on the 50/50 for agency located exhibits. And the agent isn't even handling her paintings only her sculptures. There was definitely room for negotiation there but as I know myself it takes bloody courage and real self esteem, belief to negotiate.
I wish I had not taken last week off. Please HP don't let it ruin my chances with the P. I am afraid that I will get bad references and they will withdraw their offer.

Guess what I am stuck on my essay. I so need to finish it this evening to get it off to a few readers. I need to get on with the study calendar. I am getting so behind. It's causing more pressure and less head space to get the blinking essay done - aaaaaaaaaaaargh!

HP please can you help me find serenity to accept - people attempting to control in whatever shape or form it arrives. And please show me how to respond appropriately. And HP please help me to accept the consequences of my taking last week off and trust that the best thing will happen.
I feel as if I will be reprimanded and punished for doing something so wrong. I am finding it difficult to believe that HP will not punish me severely. My HP is all loving and nothing is done to punish. I am riddled with anxiety and guilt and that feels horrid all brought on by myself and not by HP. If the P receive bad references and withdraw their offer it is my doing not punishment from HP. It is just how things are. What I need serenity is that it is out of my hands and all I can do is wait and see.

Right back to the essay.
Oh I had lunch late and feel very full up. That's something I need to learn. When I have finished a meal I want more immediately but if I leave it a while I feel quite full. Right now I would not be ready to eat until later. As I finished my lunch at about 2.30 I propose to have dinner about 8pm. This is later than I would prefer. It is suggested to have finished eating by 7.30. Well I will see how I feel at 7pm, 1 and 1/2 hours from now. What will I have? left over fish pie, brussell sprouts, carrots and curly kale. The protein seems little and the carbs too. But I can have a toasted scone for pud which is all carb. That should be ok huh?
Phew for some reason my dinner seems a real problem. I don't know why sometimes the actual content seems to be problematic. Oh well eat it and see.

Ok Ok back to the essay. NOW!

Better mood - clearer head

Well it's lunchtime and this is the first time have blogged. What an odd term.
The tutorial last night at Winchester Uni was very helpful. I think the room was more conjusive to a gathering and the layout facilitated chat. Of course we are all a little more familiar with each other although I only know names because Jane mentioned them. Cathy and Pippa. I found Pippa an interestingly odd character. Ooops these are real names. She was quite abrasive I thought at first. There was a sort of cockiness too and yet I saw her vulnerability as well. Cathy seems very nice.
Jane spoke about Frued and it was obvious that she was enthusiastic about his theories. She is a pleasant person in a very direct way. There's no nonsense from her really.
Anyway the session helped immensely. I haven't done a proper essay plan this time and I think that's contributing to how difficult I am finding it.
I started again today as it just wasn't flowig or directed and it is now a bit more. I think there is evaluation going on. Anyway now I am breaking to cook my lunch.
I haven't shared with anyoe how worried I am about the P getting bad references for my sick leave. I am sick with worry ha ha ha. And I was just disappointed when chatting with P, new manager and previous friend. He said he is not sure how long he may stay in the field. He's a money maker and this won't be paying him enough I would have thought. He said dry cleaners look prefereable right now. If that's a joke I don't get it - do you? Who? You?
I am going bell ringing tonight. I am concerned though that I would rather not and instead would stay home continuing to get the essay written. I will have tomorrow afternoon as well. Then Sunday there is the CoDA workgroup with Amy and S... can't remember what I called her in previous blogs. Perhaps I should just use the first letter of their names instead of making names up.
I spoke with J for ages yesterday about how upset I feel and he made reference to bullying which is how I think things are but I know too it's paranoia. I feel less worried about it today.
I will meet P and just see what happens. I am glad that I haven't written everyone off as J would do. I haven't even written my dad off completely but the contact is at a level where it's OK for me and I presume OK for him too. Didn't see him at Christams or his birthday this year. So maybe it will reduce to seeing eaach other once a year. How sad that it's like that.

Well ... that's it for a little while. There's loads to write and no time to get all my thoughts down.
Oh did have a memory triggered by D writig to me by email from Wales. Her son has been given time off to study for his exams. We didn;t get that but I did spend as much time as I could at Farnham swimming baths (ope air and now closed). I had a new boyfriend who I remember as being incredibly good looking. I met him at St Josephs youth centre where HC had met P and R was his friend. So good looking but all I can remember is how clingy he was a nd feeling I couldn't breathe without him cuddling me. And so I finished it with him. Is my memory accurate? It's such a surprise that anyone would fancy me so much.

Bye for now

Low Mood

About not having opinions. This raises a fine line query for me ....
It seems more peaceful yes not to have opinions on anything because then there is no disagreement. BUT it also seems to me that I would be bland. I think it would be good if I could lose some of the determination I have to make others take on my opinions. And I like it when I can listen and integrate other people's opinions. It's good to be able to have a rounded view
It just seems a lacking in passion and engaging with the world not to have opinions at all.
What do you think?

I have spoken with P this monring and was friendly and pleasant I think. We have arranged to meet for about an hour on 11th March. It's funny you know as I could feel the anger in me. It's one of the days she suggested and I am avaialble too but she has had to organise a meet later that evening as it's the only day someone else can do. I suggested postponing until maybe the following week. I felt a twinge of what it is that frustrates me - I feel controlled! It's all on her terms
I felt angry but I am telling myself it's OK an hour is probably a good amount of time anyway. I can listen to what she has to say and be friendly in that time. And as you said I can decide then how I see my part in the level of contact we have or don't have if that's what she wants too. At the moment I am thinking it will be nice simply to have some settlement around something I don't understand.
I am asking my Higher Power for a lot of help with all this people with people interaction.

I woke up from a horrid dream all about this sort of thing.
I am feeling like I must be a very very horrid person. I have my part in how Simon is not willing to even acknowledge my existence. Angela doesn't talk to me anymore and I think connected wth that Claire has never returned my calls. Then there was Penny and just before that Jacquelynn. I am the common denominator here.
Lillybet can you you enlighten me with anything you see here.
I have thoguht about some things that I think maybe contributing to my part and this will sound horrid and very needy on my part I think.
I wanted Angela to be my sponsor because she was so highly thought of by a crowd of people. I didn't see the bigger picture really. In hindsight I can see how I wanted her to make me a somebody. Angela did help me so much don't get me wrong. She was very gentle and loving with me. The funny thing is I did question but quietly because I didn't think I was anybody to be able to question. There were a number of things that didn't sit comfortably with me but she was so important and I was in the middle of it being with her. I also liked the fact that I was her favourite. Ugh this is painful and ugly to admit. This is step 5 CODA stuff. Do you mind hearing it?
If not don't read on .....
........
And I was aware that Claire was jealous. Now with Claire I was quite intrigued by her wealth ( as I was with Julie when I was in treatment) But more importantly Angela and Simon encourgaed me to be friends with her. Claire and I did get on and we could have a laugh but she didn't have a lot of time for me really. I asked Claire for Angela's number in the first place so that I could enquire about sponsorship. I recognise codependency in Claire at that time anyway and back then I really believe she thought so lowly about herself. And I was right in the middle of it all too. Ugh it feels ugly.

With Jacquelynn to this day I have no idea why she has cut contact. This is not just me as I know she has done the same with someone else too.

With Penny I wanted to make her friendly with me coz other I thought other people were really friendly with her and I would be left out. That is very mean and childish and needy of me. I witnessed things in her that didn't sit comfortably with me either. When I say that I really know it doesn;t mean they are wrong all these people it just means that what's right for them isn't right for me. Not how I want to be and not how I want to interact with people.

Damn! I offered to help a friend in need and she wants the help. It means I will be out for a few hours. I will leave LouLou here I think. Hopefully back by 1pm and then get on with essay.
It's nice to eb able to do something for a friend and I have time to get on with my essay if I put my mind to it when I get back and all of tomorrow. I have cancelled Saturday bell tower thingy and can get on with studying then too. Right off to help a friend in need.

Twitter and Tweetdeck

Blimey it's so addictive and distracting. Twitter and now Tweetdeck - the enhanced interface. And people I don;t even know chatting away. It's all very odd really. And ther strangers are all so familiar - not chatting about anythign of any depth. It's all nonsense. I am bored with it already. Thank goodness.
Still no offer letter. Resignation letter drafted.
Essay still not making progress however I think it was harder as I was not really answering the question. I think I am back on track and it is a little easier suddenly
Paula still hadn't called so I decided to send an text saying I had left a mesage repeating that I am available on Wednesday but strapped for cash so would like to arrange a mutually convenient place to meet. She sent a text later saying that she was busy all day and would call later or tomorrow. But she was glad 11th OK.
So that's sort of underway. I hope to resolve things so that at least there's no animosity but right at this time I don't feel like pursuing the friendship. It would be nice if things were just friendly.
I was thinking that I hve recently met people who on the surface of things seem pretty grown up. It's nice. One person I like did say some things that brought out my shame but I think at an appropriate time I might be able to say something to her. Valerie. I like some of the things she says. She described what I describe as distraction as displacement. Finding with frustration a need for displacement. I like people who use different vocabulary.
Tule. A very active and inspiring lady. I like her art.
Karen another seemingly lovely lady.
Again I am using psuedonyms for all of them.
There are a lot of people anywya that I can potentially get to know.
I would like to also increase the men that I know. But.... well that will happen if the opportunity arises. Everywhere I go it's women. And unlike the olden days I don;t have dutch couage to go about getting to know men - I think they'll not like me anyway. Yep still got issues there.
Lilly sent me a list of things that COSA ask and see how many a person can agree with. Oh my gosh. I could agree with them all. Lily laughed and asked when I was going to join her at COSA. As usualy I am not too willing. Aside from time it's bloody miles away.
BUT if these people that have made contact in Haslemere have a nice place on offer that may bevery worth considering. Closer to Alice and Gill. More rent but going in the right direction I feel.
Farnham just doesn;t seem to be happening and I think for all the right reasons.
I have completed a little more of my essay. I am about a thord of the way through so far - of the 1st draft anyway.
My neigbours must find me odd - they must drive by and see me sitting att his blinking laptop day and night!!!!!
Well I think I might have another go at the essay.
Last post for today I feel

Muddled up

Well I am in a bit of dilemma. Paula hasn't returned my call. Do I try again? I did ask her to call me back. I am scared that she has been offended by my justification of the date. What did I say? I said I couldn;t do the 13/14 March but could do the 11th. Could she give me a call to arrange as I amshort of money and so would loike to chat about a convenient place and time. All nonsense. I was just trying to hang onto some power being pissed off that she sent a text with dates despite me asking her to call. And still she hasn't called. I do not want to appear to be chasing this. So do I leave it for her to call me or do I try again? She initiated the contact but she was the one who cut the contact.
Anyway I have spoken with Melissa. I am relieved to have been able to be open and honest with her. As usual there was clumsiness on my part. I don;t know how to say things genetly sometimes or even how to be opne. I believed I had sensed an anger towards me last night and Melissa apologised if there had been any anger. She explained that she is fed up with people cutting contact with her because of me. I can understand that. I don;t understand why that mght be. I have a theory that Paula cut contact because Jenny cut contact. But that could just be my childish thinking. In conversation with Melissa this afternoon I think there was jealousy on Jenny's part of the friendship between Melissa and I and I think jenny used to try and play us off one against the other too.
The thing is I truly value my friendship with Melissa. She is an important person in my life and I think there are people who would like something similar. I wonder therefore if there is jealousy? I am scared that other people could damage the friendship. This is my paranoia. I do trust the friendship most of the time. I trust Melissa's recovery. I said that I respect that she doesn't want to get invovled with the situation between Paula and I but she did go on to say that she had received a text from Paula that involved me.
I do not know why there is so much put upon Melissa because of me. I can understand with Stephen - he was my boyfriend and it seems that he is now able to speak with Melissa. He still appears hostile towards me when I have driven past and waved. I think because I took his written threats to my solicitor that was the end for him. I still think he shouldn't have threated me in the first place. And I was seeing Don - he was seeing his new girlfriend before that. I am imagining all these angers towards me because they are what I think of myself. Yes I had a part - and so did he. If only there was an opportuity to clear all that up adulty and without emotional attachment. Maybe one day.
Anyway, yes Melissa and I had a good chat. It helped me feel more secure again in our friendship. I would like all this nonsense with these others to be over. It seems childish and school playground stuff. I am gald to be distanced from it somewhat. I don't need to have contact, for example I don't bump into anyone, I am so far away.
I was upset that Melissa thinks that her deteriorating friendship with Alice is anything to do with me. I am aware that Alice doesn't consider Melissa her friend and in fact finds her quite difficult. I knew Alice before I knew Melissa in fact it's through Alice that I know Melissa at all. That has nothing to do with me whatsoever.
Honestly why can't I have more grown up friends. I think I have in the main. I don't generally meet people like this anymore. I am wary of Sandra coz I think I sense a nastiness at times. I like the very nic e person she is too. Amy is seperate fro it all anyway excpet that she lives with my dear friend Lilly. Gosh how is it everyone ends up networked. I liked seperate and yet I loe bringing people together too.
Aaaaraararararararghhhhh!

Frustration Food Frustration

Feeling frustrated that can't b e academic with ease so feeling I want to eat eat eat. There is such a tie-up. Anyone kow why? Is there soem research and possible explanation?
Perhaps I could email and ask Stuart.
I will do that.

Wedneday already

Gosh this week is going quickly.
I sent a tect to Paula, saying yes let's meet and asked her to call me to arrange a date. She didn't call which i am reading into but instead sent some dates. I tried to all her but it went straight to answer machine - all of which i am taking so damned personally. Anyway I left a message saying that I thought it would be easier to speak. I did some justifying regarding the dates and already regret that. I just need to stay centred and retain my dignity. Let me adult and carer dot he taling and keep the injured child behind me and protected. All very therapeutic speak but that's just how it feels. The person who normally goes out to meet the rest of the world is the little injured child - sometimes the gobby teenager, sometimes the damaged 10 year old and sometimes the screaming 5 year old. All the ages go out and try and deal with the adult world and it can go horribly wrong causing me even more damage. I am just inexperienced really being an adult in such situations. I just didn;t hear or get the appropriate training. Does anyone?
So I have now left a message - I am reluctant to meet. I feel aggressive in my defensiveness. I will go along and hopefully be warm and loving. I am aware that Paula is like me very sensitive nd by being aware can try to remain gentle. I can go along and listen to what she says. I don't have to do more than that really. If I feel attacked I can decide whether there is mileage in more than just casual acquaintance.
I just get so paranoid that there's this gang of people all slaggin me off and gangin up against me. And they will recruit everyone gradually coz people get warn down by being excluded because of me. I am afraid that's what is happening to Melissa. She doesn't like being left out and I think she thinks it's because of me. It certainly was with Stephen (ex-partner) and that affected friendships she had with friends of his if I was involved. Ugh. People. I just don't trust them to see their part in it and I want them to see it's not all me. BUT I also know ths is because I am not certain myself. I want to blame all fo them because then that makes me OK. However, I feel like I am no good, I am a bad friend, I get it all wrong, I am not fun and interesting, I am not worth knowing. That's what I think they all see.
Yet I also think this situation has been dealt with by Paula childishly and by Jenny too. I am angry about it as much as I am hurt and afraid. I feel angry because people don't seem to deal with things other than running away. They claim to be well and working a good recovery programme - actually before I write on any further I know I can hear the loving person in me saying they are doing their best with what they know now to help themselves and not make it so much about me me me me.
It's me that's reading inot all this text and answer phone nonsense. Perhaps I should trust that Paula is busy or unable to call and is doing the best for herself. It's not nice thinking that people need to protect themself from me and I do have a part in that. Let me listen to what that is.
My essay feels like I am really waffling. Whereas normally I keep the draft tight and actually ahve space for adding rather than needing to remove, this time I am going aroudn and aroudn the houses.
The way I waffle on here it would be difficult to beleive that I could be concise. My friends (that I am relaxed with say how muchy I can talk). I have though in previous essays been much better at moving in the direction fo the poitns I want to make. This seems to be rambling and repetitive. I think I just need to get the ideas down at this stage as it's not really clear and I am not finding easy ways to criticise and evaluate without going backwards and forwards over points.
Poor blog. I really am bashing it out on you. I wonder how much capacity you have for all of this.
Well reprieve for you whilst I go off to yep continue with the blasted essay. What a relief for you when this one is over huh. Then there will be the next one ha ha ha.
Later x
oh excuse the typo's I type too fast and can't be bothered to go back and correct them - hope it makes some sense. Helps tog et it out of my head anyway.

Ouch

I received a text today from a friend who had cut contact some time around maybe October 2009. I can't remember the date exactly, it may have been eariler than that as I remember I was walking in Hen Wood when I received the text from her. I was pleased with the way I responded. I said "I respect your wishes. I bear no grudges and hope that friendship can overcome differences". Well today I received a text "Hi Pamela, I wondered if u would be prepared 2 meet up ion the not too distant future? I would appreciate it if we could 4 2 reasons. I would like to have the conversation we were 2 have and also to discuss Sankofa briefly. Hope ur OK. Love P...."
I haven't responded yet. In my hurt and anger about it all my initial thoughts weren't friendly. But I knew not to act on that. I was not entirely sure how I felt so I decided not to respond immediately whilst I assess how I feel and what I would like to do. This evening I think I will agree to meet and having chatted it through with a friend I would like to say something about the way I was feeling on receipt of the text and that I would happily hear her thoughts. The truth is that I really don't have any residual feelings from the day things seemed very weird. I think it would be hurtful to say that I had previously felt very overpowered by Paula and unable to say no to her on one occassion she asked if she could join in on an evenign I already had a few friends over. And then she couldn;t drive home and ended up staying to which I also felt I couldn't say no. This lack of being able to say no left me feeling overpowered by her and I was angry at her for it. In hindsight I would have said that she was welcome if she felt happy to drive home that night. And of course that would have been something I could learn from the situation. Instead I kept feeling cornered by Paula. I also felt that the way she described how people remove her power was accusational and eventually I just felt completely boxed in and didn't like how I thought I was being labelled. It was all too mixed up and for me all my codependency was being triggered. It's still not clear to me what happened. It would be nice to not have any hard feelings. I am also aware that she and Jenny have been developing their friendship and at the time of Paula's text I did feel it was very much in line with Jenny cutting contact with Melissa and I.
For obvious reasons I have changed the names of the people.
Anyway I sent a text to Melissa today saying that I had had the text. I did not hear from her but that didn't particualry worry me util this evening at the CoDA meeting. I mentioend the text to Melissa and she said that yes she wasn't surprised or soemthing along those lines and she thought it would happen. I said slightly disturbed soething back along the lines OH have you spoken with the person then about this? At which point Melissa said she didn't want to get involved. I felt stung! This was my friend and I wanted her to be on my side. I feel as if I am always in the wrong and everyone is ganging up on me - Jenny, Paula, Steven and now Melissa too. The feeing was huge, and I recognise now that it was far bigger than the situation demended. I am aware that it taps into my fears of myself that I am a bad perons and unlikeable. I want them to all know that I am not to blame and I am not trusting their reovery to knw this is about them and not about me. When my friend Lilly pointed out to me that's actually moer about how I feel about myself. I knwo she is right. I think I am to blame and a bad person and that noone likes me. Despite the fact I was bought a lovely meal this evening by Alice and Gill to celebrate the recent job offer. And Lilly listened to me despite being tired and Melissa has been supportive and caring towards me normally.
It hit my fear of abandonment which is evidence that I am a bad person and worthless. It hurts and I am terrified of it. Hence a big raction to Melissa not wanting to be my friend!!!! I respect fully her saying that she didn't want to be involved. It just aroused fears and suspicions that nasty things were said about me. Ugh it's all such hard work. I am paranoid. I am codependent. It matters so much what others think. And yet there I was just recently thinking that actually I am alright. It's very fragile and very breakable clearly. As if I didn't know that already!!!??
I think it might be possible to say someting to Melissa but not right now. I am not clear in what it is I need to say as I'm am feeling the feelings. It was good to speak with Lilly as she was rational and heard my feelings as well as rationalising what she heard through my ranting and blaming and confusion.
That helped to air the events as I perceived them. The first step in working through the feelings is to acknowledge them and usually that happens when I share the feelings. The healing has started.
It's so hard engagin with humnas. They are imperfect and so am I. I can be clumsy with my words and that can be hurtful - similarly I can be hurt by people practising their recovery from codependency and sometimes I hear it clumsily. That I can accept.
I can respect Melissa's statement to not want to be involved. I will send Paula a text to say ---- what? Or should I simply call and avoid any misunderstandings. I simply don't trust right now...
What will I say? Hello Paula. Thank you for your text and yes I would be happy to meet up. I have my diary here, perhaps we can arrange a date and place? Well I won't make the call tonight so hopefully thw rods will come to me for tomorrow.
I am avery sensitive person and easily hurt. In some ways I wouldn't have it any other way. Lilly pointed out to me that i have ssaid a few times recently "that's why I don't have friends" I hope that wasn't hurtful, it wasn't meant to be. Lilly is a great friend, I wouldn't want to hurt her. Having friends does mean allowing people in and that can also leave me vulnerable to some painful feelings as well as the joy of friendship and love.
I had a lovely meal with Alice and Gill. Alice and I had enjoyed a lovely walk earlier in very strong winds and rain, with LouLou and Molly moomoo (as I seem to call her). I had a nice afternoon and evening with them.
I witness how changeable my emotions are. One minute really happy and then whoosh, the next minute I can be lonely, afraid and hurt. And then again I can be happy in the very next minute.
I am pleased with several things. When I spoke with Lilly I didn't need to mention any names or even hint at who I was speaking about. I do not feel a need for food to fix all of this. I ate a lovely meal with plenty of food but did not over eat. Alice gave me the leftovers for tomorrow. In the past I would either get very drunk on something like this or/and would eat eat eat.
I think this evening I am feeling freedom from menopausal symptoms, not bodily swelling, no huge cravings for food and not heavy physically from the inside. My heart hurts a little still but the ache in my very core is subsiding. It seems to sweel with pain from deep within my gut - and the seems seperate from my heart.
As Lilly reminded me. It is all very exciting despite the heart ache and pain. This is another opportunity for growth.
I am going to bed. Later than I would have preferred with my essay needing writing. BUt hey ho. Lets hope for a better sleep than I would have if I hadn't written.
Night
x

Phew

Good morning
Well I have made an acceptable start on my essay. This seems to be a pattern 2 or 3 days trying to get started and then a day per section - intro which helps get me on my way. Although there is sugegstion that the intro is the last thing to be written. That was how I did my research report. Wrote the content of the report first. That madde sense to me.
Anyway yes - intro then another say for each key point int he main section and finally the conclusion. How the hell will I do an exam - 3 essays in 3 hours. The sample papers don't suggest a word count. I really need to keep the exam to the back of my mind. I can feel very dispondent about it and then think what's the point of the course as I will fail anyway with the exam. The exam coutns for 50% of the overall mark.
Yesterdays job offer news threw me. That contributed to me doing absolutely nothing worthwhile at all towards my essay. For the enxt essay - well it's another report of a qualitative research project I might be able to be off as it will be the last week at work. I can try and organise to utilise the last of my leave. I was thinking maybe I would take the money as I am so so so so so broke. Well what I mean by that is I haven't any spare money after paying the bills.
And then for the last essay TMA06 - blimey - well I will have to see what's going on at that time. I need a full week to do these flipping essays. Hence the OU schedule ina week for them!!! Doh!
Right that little distraction over - back to it. I think I might wash up first. Need a bath too. I stink!
At least this way it's a healthier distraction - yes I know I said I was off but .....
Before when I need a distraction from my frustration of not knowing what or how to do the next sentence, I would get up and snack. I am in recoery from my over eating now. Only day 2 after having extra handfuls of raisins whilst preparing my dinner. That was happening regularly so evnetually I was able tog et honest with myself and declare my 4 week abstinence broken and start again. This is a real break through. Before now I would have just discounted it and claimed to be in recovery or abstinence whichever word seems more appropriate at the time. But the little lie would keep me in denial and eventually I would be allowing a snack here and a snack there and before long over eating again. My abstinence is 3 meals a day nothing between. At this point I am not worrying too much about size or content of the meals. And that has helped so much.
Allowing myself sweet things again has removed the good food bad food thing for me. There are no foods that aren't allowed. All food is simply food. But I can have them only within a meal time.
I don't feel deprived. However, after a nice meal I do want more more more. And I have to really sit with that. I am not sure if it's food cravings or emotions or habitual. Maybe a little of all.
Anyway this blog is an alternative to snacking. Snacking was good int he sense that it was a quick sharp distraction, didn;t take me too far away from the procvessing of thoughts and the desk. Walking Loulou is good for more processing but takes me away and whe a good thought comes to mind I am not able to write it down and usually there are so many more thoughts along the walk that i forget really good and important things.
Washing up is OK, thinking space and local to the desk. But somehow it doesn't stimulate me.
This can take longer ...... ?
Right right right really am off to wash up or something ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I have started a sentence and don't know the direction or particular point I want to make. Actually I think I do know the point. The point is that Heider claimed that people search out causes to explain people's behaviour. His experiment with Simmel using cartoon shapes shows how people choose to explain the movements by giving them human traits and purpose. He went onto claim that people attribute behaviours to either internal or exteranl causes. And this has further been researched which adds weight to the concept because it seems valid people go on to enhance the study with further exploration - needs much better wording than that. If only I could bring in personal thoughts and experiences such as the way people tend to give human qualities to their pets - what do we trendily call that these days humanising objects and inhuman animals. I wonder how I could bring that in?????
Sorry blog for being so boring. This is unlikely to become a best seller huh? But secretly, I don't who it si a secret from, I want to be spotted and this be turned into a book. The workings of a brain trying to work!!!! Ha ha ha.
I heard of someone's blog being "spotted" and turned into a book. Why not. I am just not a writer. Language is basic and it's literally my thoughts as I think them. No great literary cntent or even intellectual greatness.
It is me though when I can drop the ego who is writing for my audience. Ha ha ha
Right right right I am off - see how easily distracted away I am from effort.
Byeee for now


How boring ths blog is ..............................................

Grrrrr

I just don't know what it is I want to say in this essay. It's the evaluation that is taking over. I need to describe the theories and the research. And then I can evaluate. But I don't know how to describe the theories first. It sounds so school age. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
It seems worse than any other essays or the research report. I think I had an idea of a direction before now but this time I am completely stuck. I just keep staring balnkly at the TV which I ahve to have quietly on in the background. I just can't study in complete silence. Apparently that is a dyslexic symptom. I have my assessment booked for 20 March but that will depend on the OU funding it as I couldn't afford it. £300!!!
Right back t the essay. If describe the theories I will be doing it in the same order as the text as it is developed in a lgical manner. Is there anything wrong with that. I can see the point.
Attribution theories have been developed as a way to understand how people make sense of other people's behaviours. That's it! That's my starting line.
Right - yep - done that now what. Added a biy about evloutionary psychology. Don't need to evaluate yet but need to come back to that point at some time. So now what. ... There are a number of different ways of understanding attribution theory. (this in itself raises a query for me) Attribution theory isn't just one sound theory there are a number of different ways of explaining attribution theory. Right off to add that now.
This is such a boring blog - it's just a place to try and sound out my thoughts. How weird. Why can't I do that on the actual draft???
Back shortly ....
Well haven't done much more - skype with M. I enjoy our chats in whatever format.
Wow wow wow. I have been offered the job at the P. I am so so pleased. I did feel good aftet the interview. I really did feel that I presented the best of me to the best of my ability. I asked for feedback from my interview and Peter said that they had been impressed with my enthusiasm and passion, my motivation and alertness and wanting to do the job.They were impressed with my work experience too both with the P, ANA and also the experience in a different field, i.e. Nexus and harm minimisation and how that's a new dynamic to bring to this position. P was pleased with my confidence on the days I worked with him and the feeback he received from team members. The way I was confident in group despite not having worked in group situations for a while. I was immediaetly able to reflect back. And also I was able to reflect back to him after the process group. His concern was my living location and the worry about my travel. He said they decided it was my responsibility but he is concerned he doesn't want tired staff. And by the end of the year I will be in a position to apply for accreditation as I will be receiving supervision and been working the required hours. The benefits are all in the work as the working days and week will be longer by 17 hours. Phew. The pay therefore is a lot more but on an hourly rate is only £1 more. Boo hoo. So my financial situation will not improve.
J very very kindly has offered to help with buying a new car and will also help selling my current car. For some reason that fills me with fear. Yes it makes sense to get a diesel car. But to get an older car just seems silly yet I can't afford to get a newer one. Well it would make sense to address that issue when this one has a new MOT which will be in June.
Oh they were also impressed at the questions I asked - I had done some research and also asked them what they liked about working for the P.
I have a new job.
P has called back and no they will definately not go up. He has gone at the top amount to offer me a job.
Oh now can I get on with my blinking essay.
I negotiated - that is big stuff! I wonder if I could call my dad and ask his advice about the car?
I wonder if he would lend me the money? No I wouldn't want to be beholden to him in that way.
Maybe it would be worth calling J B to ask what he thnks about getting a car? After all he is an expert in his field.... I want to arrange to go and visit him and Jan just to chat about my mum and have a coffee. He is a lovely lovely guy but mainly because he adored my mum so much.
I am bursting with excitement and fear. It's like an explosion in my stomach. I feel like I can't contain it. It feels childlike.
I have wanted this job for a while. I went for it before and wasn't ready. I am now very capable I believe. I am a good employee and have a far more rounded experience than when I started. I am so glad I have worked in harm reduction and have that lvel of experience to draw from as well as the more therapy based abstinence experience. Yippppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Right essay essay essay

Getting Started ha!

I had a dream that I was relief staff for the job that I wanted to get. I had had the interview and just waiting to hear. Then a job that I had done earlier in the year was seemingly going wrong. It had been handed over to one of the permanent staff and I wanted to tell the management blaming him. Anyway I didn't, I explained the problem and asked if there was anything that the compnay could do to rectify the situation. It meant paying for family insurance for the customer. It was a travel company. Ugh horrid memories of that business. There was a large room busy with travel agents chatting on the phone. And a seperate room for the admin. It reminded me of British Airways, when I worked for Sovereign and Enterprise Holidays when BA still owned them. Good experience. This is probably on my mind because Adrienne is coming over from OZ and we are meeting up fo the first time in about 36 years. Gosh!
I got up and LouLou was sitting at the top of the stiars. I guessed she needed to go out as a priority so I took her for a walk and all before breakfast. Feel controlled about that. I am in control of my food. I need to let go of that. I have had breakfast now. It was quite a large bowl of porridge.
This is boring. I'm off.

Still Sunday - essay procrastination

I have at least started on my essay - 1500 on the worthiness of attribition theories contributing to udnerstanding how we perceive and explain the world.
Oh actually just writing that has helped a little. This time the essay is not about detailing a particular theory or comparing anything - it's about evaluating. And the instructions say that this is what will eb required in the exam - 3 times - 3 blinking essays in 3 hours!!! Blimey. I just don't think I have the information embedded enough to evaluate anythign without a whole week to read and re-read and question and trial in various proofs. Stop worrying about the flipping exam, it's not until June - the 15th! Aaargh!!!!
Anyway I keep doing a little bit trying to assimilate the information so that I feel I have enough to start developing my argument and evaluation. I am not so confident this time with my understanding of the chapter. I have had a better understanding of others. ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY THINK THE UNDERSTANDING HAS DEVELOPED AS i'VE RESEARCHED AND WRITTEN THE ESSAY. mOST OF IT'S FORGOTTEN ALREADY.
Ooops must have clicked the caps lock. Sorry. Who am I saying sorry to.
I keep getting excited about the thought of having this pcyhological knowledge and teaming it with therapeutic work. Then I worry about the fnances. If offered the job will they offer a decent pay enabling me to take it? Will I be non-codependant to be able to negotiate money? I do think that under the financial circumstances, working 5 days might be a serious consideration now anyway. I just can't afford to live on the monthly income I have. There is literally no spare for haircuts or clothes or social time out. As for savings forget it! So 5 days might be an necessity anyway. Then I worry about being able to continue with my studies. At the moment I don't do anything after work as I feel too tired but because I have all day Friday it hasn't been so much of a problem. This then starts the washing machine effect - all this information and questioning starts tumbling around and around in my head and energizes into anxiety. Indecision and fear!!
I still haven't been offered a job yet so I really do need to keep bringing it back to that.
Rock Hudson really was an incredibly handsome man. And The Man Who Would be King is a film on this afternoon adapted from Rudyard Kipling's short story of the same name. Really and truly very little these days is original. I wonder where people like Kipling got his inspiration or was it a variation on something from way back then. When was the original thought of stories etc?
I love the ease with which I can look up inforamtion - the Internet. Wikipedia. This morning Iw as looking up Bentham - Jeremy. Philospher. Utilitarianism. Importance of action being wieghted by th outcome. In short - what did they say "the means to an end"? I think.
Maybe it's just that I am more interested in the world and so bother but it's definately more convenient with the internet and so I can be bothered. Or maybe it's all just distraction from my essay.
I have sent my usual after eating text. I have nice food and want more. I think even if I haven't had anything especially nice I want more. I just find it so so hard not to eat more. But so far have 4 weeks and 3 days abstinence apart from a few handfuls of sultana's whilst preparing meals oh and about 4 spoons of couscous last evening as preparing meal. Mind you I didn;t have lunch yesterday and so I was really hungry by dinner time and that's not a good way to approach a meal time. I can see the danger.
I did have a nice lunch today and more than enough to eat. I feel very satisfied in my tummy. Just wanting to taste things and of course I think the desire to eat is really triggered by the frustration I feel when attemtpting to get my ideas together and verbalised or writtenalised - (what's the term for that ?). I just seem to need other distractions at times to assimilate things. But I have a tendency not to return to it. At this stage of the preparation I am literally trying to get the ideas together but feel slow because I am not getting anything down on paper. Phew it's hard. I do need the whole week to do it as well I can.
Right I am going to walk LouLou although it feels too early to take her out. Hopefully i will come back and continue with my assimilation of knowledge. When does a memory become knowledge?

Waffle, waffle, waffle.

Bye

Dreams - It's Sunday!

I have woken up thinking it's Monday and even though have realised keep forgetting. I couldn;t work out why all the neighbours cars were still here even though it was just before 8am. I woke up thinking it was Monday and was lying in bed feeling guilty as I am signed off this week as well. Anyway I got up to have a wee and suddenly thought oh this is the day The P might let me know whether I have got the job or not.
I felt very good about how I presented myself. I had prepared well and was able to answer all their questions fully I felt. If they offer me the job I have to really consider the money as the journey is long and will be expensive fuel wise. Then what if they don't offer me the job. I felt so confident I hadn't truly considered how it would be if I don't get offered the job!!
Now I feel like I've gained a day but still can't get into the fact that it's Sunday.

More anxiety dreaming - not being able to move legs to get anywhere quickly. Needed to be running.
Previous to that though had a wonderful dream of being flown from a little airport to an office block, flying over a very futuristic built up city but not in the future. And there were loads of planets and moons that had moved in the earth's atmosphere all just floating around - all small planets and tiny moons. All beautiful colours. They were everywhere. And close, some leaning on roofs and gently bumped into some of the buildings. Different sizes.
It was amazing and some people hadn't noticed. I was disapppointed to have to land. Then I was in an office block and havibng to do some assessments of s small team - all women with one man boss. He was very tolerant but I was aware of my anxiety around him - how important it is not to piss men off with womenly type chit chat and wants and beliefs. I was annoyed with women for being womenly in attitude. OK to look womenly and sexy but not to have female attitude!
That's how it's actually been all my life. Always trying to dissassociate from girly stuff because my dad was so intolerant of it and pejorative attitude towards women being anything other than being quiet and having sex with. It has always seemed that he hated women, yet he hasn't been able to be without one or more at any time. It hurts as my mum was such a vibrant person and it has left me feeling worthless as a women. He told me that he hadn't wanted children at all but when my mum fell pregnant he wanted a boy and was very disappointed that I was a girl. Good start.
Yep I feel inadequate and worthless because I am a women.

I need to walk LouLou. I like having tis blog just to type out my thoughts and feelings. There is a problem. My journals have pages that I can just flick though and drop in and read a little on a page. I like the memory jogger. BUT with this blog I am not sure that I will do that. It just doesn't seem as accessible for that. But it's so much more accessible to just write wirite write.
I don;t hink I like the idea of people I know being able to access my inner thoguhts. Especially if ever want a moan about them. My journal is where I can be really frank. Wow how did it flip into Italics - looks good though.
Later

Saturday - what a week!

28th Feb 2009 23.35

Having kept a jounral for many years now I thought I'd have a go at this blog thing. I don't expect anyone to read it. So I'm not certain why I am doing this. This sounds an incredibly boring start to my blogs. Anyway it is my thought, honest and open!
As I travelled to my OA meeting this morning I was semi engaged with the radio broadcast. It led me to thinking how I have been for many years now defined by my tragedy. As a young girl I was attracted to tragedy. My heroines being Sylvia Plath, Marilyn Monroe and similar tragic characters. Somehow there was a mystic about them that I adored and wanted for myself.
This concept, this realisation is new and so still forming and therefore difficult for me to articulate fully at this time. Mind you by tomorrow I will be having a completely new realisation and no doiubt on a very different tangent - this one will be discarded for the new toy!
Howecer for today ..... being dramatic, craving tragedy has been a lifetime of existing. And then because it wasn't attractive or rather what was going on in my family needed ot be "kept within these four walls", I think this is why I found ways to curb my desire for tragedy. I wonder if tragedy was my way of crying out to be noticed - "here, this is me!!!". Anyway, I discovered boys and hedonism. It was a sort of way of rebelling. At the time I was rebellious in a good two shoes kind of a way. I didn't really want to get caught so it was all out of sight of authority, my dad. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, as time went on the only way I could be hedonisitc or rather partying and out there in an extrovert sort of way was to be drunk and later drugs. These blocked my need for tragedy, I just wanted fun, fun, fun.
Phew I got it. It's been a pretty full life and experiences I hadn't thought I had wanted when I was little and wanting to be a ......... do you know I can't remember ever wanting to be an anything in particular????
Anyway I will leave this realisation room for development. Tragedy being a way of defining me, the only way for there to be any depth to me. So many external things define me. I like it though when I am just me - whoever and however that is??
I also want to claim my love for satirical comedy. Not that I am up to date on current affairs. I often get up to date through satirical shows such as The News Quiz today on Radio 4 hosted by Sandi Toksvig today. Funny little things these clever people say. I just like they way they think and I laugh out loud all on my own. I am looking forward to the return of I Haven't a Clue.
I really get to feel happy after caffeine. I think I need to knock it on the head - yet again! It works rapidly and I get a real high and ever so ever so chatty. It's like being on cocaine.

My mood is low in the monrings at the moment. I dreamt last night yet another anxiety dream. I was at the airport terminal (one) I think but it was circular and a lot of glass. I could see where I needed to get to but just couldn;t move quick enogh. It's the second similar dream, the last one also involving an airport and being alte for the plane but not being able to run fast enough - terminal 3 that time and Air India. Virgin Atlantic this time. I also dreamt that I met Mick (first husband), second time of dreaming about getting together with him. Last time he turned out to be a heroin addict and I wanted to be injected to. I watched him inject his groin. This time he turned out to be a gambler. I was aware of being really upset and disappointed and not knowing hoe to get out of it this time. Dreams mean a lot but usually I get the message a while afterwards. I think the anxiety dreams are really indicative of what's driving my low mood. And the Mick dreams are seeming to tell me I am not ready yet - still picking people that are not healthy for me. Drawn to that dysfunction to use a trendy word.

What else can I write about this dreadful week- actually couple of weeks. My car breaking down and costing a small fortune relatively speaking. Being told I may have had a stroke after a serious migraine. Visitng the stroke clinic and various eye tests - spending more money out on new glasses! Then an interview at the P and a lot of indecision being arunsed and I havent't been offerd a job - yet!! I will be so disappointed and rejected if they don't but then if the money isn't right I can't afford to take it despite thinking the work will be appropriate for me and lots of other benefits to me.

And I am behind on my studies that causes me anxiety
Oh and the bloody male-Irish-dog or menopause!!! On and off with the symptoms. I can safely say I am not enjoying one little bit the process of ageing. Grrrrrrrrr.

Yep this week has been troublesome for me and is the week following the troublesome week before. Trying to find some gratitude and can when I have had caffeine! he he he he

I am not certain how often I will write on this blog. Hope I can remember the address - no idea how to get back to add to it.
LouLou seems to be aching more since stopping the Metacam. I think I need to return to the vets and discuss this with them. I am jst worried that the medication wil have other effects on organs and things. I really can't abide the idea of being without her and I don't want her to be getting older or in pain. Ageist - I am one. Not proud of this fact and have to work hard not to act on my ageism. Ageist against myself too.

Anyway I am going to bed now to hopefully be bright enought o start essay planning tomorrow.
No bell ringing tomorrow - church still closed.