Hunch trusts

Trust in my instincts, that's good for me to keep experiencing. However, it is often when I verbalise things that it starts to become apparent that I have instincts in the first place.
Yesterday I was modelling for Mr B.U. and his peculiar entourage. I can't quite fathom what's going there. They are a bohemian group really. I find it quite compelling being there. But what is uncomfortable is their desire to know more about me. I want to go there and simply be the model. I do not want them to know anything about me. So, how do I now backtrack and keep things from being personal? Well I can continue to be vague despite the questioning. There was one lady there though, J, who I warmed to. She was a teacher of art at one time ad has run youth hostels. I learnt that she has always had an interest in young adults, teenagers. She said that she was never really a great lover of babies or young children. It was really because of her that I revealed things about me and now regret being so open.
Partly it's because it starts to be less professional, less of a job I really mean, because I am far from being a professional model. I want to go there, be anonymous me, despite my naked body, and lave again. I think it's a protection of the real and whole me even though they get to see me entirely. Also the jacuzzi bit is just a little too much familiarity. I won't do that again. Although, I wonder what holds me back. Is it my coyness? After all I imagine the bohemian groups included models and it was all fun and laughter. Somehow it seems muddled for me. Why be so withdrawn and what do I have to withhold? It's me.
I have a concern that some of me will filter into the more reserved class group where I think there are artists but less bohemian. I am making judgements of everyone here. I know little about them. This is to do with me retaining my dignity and muddled values I think. There has been an association for me with escorting (prostitution basically). Turning up and getting my kit off and having sex for money. Here I am, naked in front of a number of people for money, just a lot less. Nonetheless this money is adding to a growing savings fund and I am enjoying having the growing pot. I feel more secure with it. I can feel Singapore becoming a reality. Thank you God for the security.
I think I need some guidance here God about what is the best thing to do in your name. What is the right thing to do? Some people would find this brazen and sinful. I detected that in G, saying I wouldn't do that. She said that she didn't know I did it until I reminded her that it was she who'd told me A does lie modelling too. I started to feel I needed to justify my reasoning. I do enjoy being a model to some degree but do wonder why? I tell myself I enjoy being a part of the art environment. Do I? I think perhaps I will try and take CC's offer up of joining a class. Once my degree is over. I'd like to be trying out more creative things ad I am interested in being able to draw the body.  I do wonder why though.
What is good is that I don't just do things and bury my thoughts and feelings. I have got emotions stirred here. There is an association with past activities. I still wonder how I ever was able to do that but I did love the money. One thing is for sure I've had a colourful life and people seem to lose respect for people who behave in certain ways. Or rather they think because of choices that makes me less worthy. Oooo, judgements. I pray God to have judgement and criticism removed from me. I make all these assumptions and I really don't like. I start to think I know what "type" of person they are because they behave this way or that way at different times. As with PD. I see his past and how how he has this attachment with his entrepreneurial family. Yet I judge him on his losses. I never ever take away his generosity. Time and again PD will give to people, at his own cost. I think he works hard on keeping resentments away. I feel a lot of guilt for my day off per week. However, it was agreed and he didn't rescind on the agreement despite his regular moans. It's his regular moans that tell me he holds that against me. I regularly said why not pay me on a pro-rata basis. I would have been happier with that and indeed would have stayed on a 4 day week if I could have afforded it. I feel comfortable that I will be deducted for the one day per week in my new job. It's a mutual agreement. Thank goodness though I am earning more money to afford the drop. One day will make a hell of a difference during September and October it's 5 days in total off. I'm still reeling about this guilt that I feel and then the guilt turns outwards to attribute blame with PD instead of me being in the wrong. It is what it is and it's already history. I am very grateful though to have had the time because, although, I don;t utilise it fully for studying, I cannot keep going at all with the tiredness I feel and scraping through the course work really. It's been a real drain working full time and attempting to study part time. I am disappointed not to have done better.
I think there's a lot for me to learn in letting go and going with the flow.
Please God, remove the controlling, prejudiced, judgemental parts of me. Show me how to be free flowing and loving of all, and where my boundaries are and how to apply them. I think yesterday was a sure sign that if I am to continue I do not want to be revealing parts of me and remember that I am not there to counsel, I am there to be a life model and that's all. With PD I should have insisted that I am paid for 4 days only. I did not protest too much at all when he said no!

Oh gosh I have a call with Caroline at 10am

Yes, another things just came to mind. I am looking to see if BU is upset at all. I am checking him out all the time as the boss. I want to drop that. If he doesn't like what's happening around him then he can say. I notice though how disrespectful P is of him. She takes him for granted I feel. She is pretty self-centred and doesn't realise it. She says that her ex pointed this out to her as if it is completely wrong. I get the feeling she wants me to confirm that she isn't.

Complicated people.

Bliss
XX

ps. I've received my contract. It says the amount I've negotiated. I still can't quite believe it!

I think I get the best of both worlds - straight and corporate and also the bohemian in my private life. How amazing to be able to have it all. I just need to be able to go with the flow and see what happens.

Ego versus laziness or conviction! Go with the flow ......

Well it seems it's for me to work on my niggles and criticisms and judgements with PD and also go ahead with AC. It's all steam ahead for AC.

Or is it ? Please guide me in my decision making process. And there's always layer upon layer to decipher.
What do I need to do to do the best? I want to work with people. I am passionate about working with people and helping them change where they want change.

Here's my decision tool in use again

Dilemma: AC  continues (yipeeee) and second interview with Priory

Date: 4^th August 2014 Decision needed by wed 6^th August 2014

Decision importance – weighty

Indecisiveness level: partisan

Best case scenario

Still to eventually set up own business – but to work for AC and PD with a third person, guaranteed for another year. Earn more money and be grateful for all that’s good. Get degree completed and then get some training organised next year in therapy.

Pipe dream – own business growth really

Worst Case scenario

Continue to be bored, critical, judgemental of PD. Piss the Priory off miss an opportunity

Gut feelings

Stick with PD and AC

Pluses – have lots of freedom and no responsibility other than as a counsellor. Get to do my studying. PD is now offering an increase in January and then again to £30k when he can.

Minuses – I do get bored and I’m not enhancing my counselling skills. I do disagree with PD and his ways and we have different ideas on therapy (but with the same ultimate goal)

Pluses – it’s another year guaranteed and in that time I can continue with my own little practice.

But I wonder whether I could negotiate 4 days per week at £28.5 as offered. Or I can run my private practice at weekends now I won’t be studying. Can I?

Minuses - I am pretty certain PD will want me full time L - maybe negotiable if we take on 3^rd person as a 4 dayer.

Pluses – PD is already aware of desire to go to Singapore next year for 3 to 4 weeks

Minuses – I don’t think there really are many minuses except as already stated my criticism and judgement which I commit to working through. It means being more open in discussion with him.

Gut feelings

Go for the interview in case the money doesn’t come through (only if something happens to B will it not come through.

To be honest I don’t want to work for them

Pluses – after conversation with ET got really positive comments and also to be myself is okay which helped with interview. i.e. my selling abilities are very natural. I am aware that sometimes people are making enquiries and that’s part of my assessment – are they really contemplating but can sew the seed and keep occasional tabs in case they become ready. But also very aware of substance and behavioural addictions – role with their speed but also encourage. Have had success being persuasive where I can see there is an urgency and simply fear.  All that sort of thing.

Minuses – all things I’ve already said – it’s a corporate with no real care for their staff. Might change and even might be able to fight but do I really want to.

Pluses – go for the interview and see how I do.

Minuses – have to then say will think about it and say no – ugh the thought of letting them down that way but that’s the way things roll.

Pluses – yes would be able to develop contacts in my own name but could do that anyway and it’s not my main focus right now.

Minuses – hard work!

Pluses – not so many really – all a bit of ego!!!

Intuitive conclusion – stick with PD at AC and slowly develop self and own thing

Rational conclusion – stick with PD at AC

Decision – stick with PD at AC

Next steps – decide whether to cancel interview or not

Dilemma: Cancel interview or not?

Date 4^th August 2014

Decision needed by am 5^th August 2014

Decision importance: Worthwhile to weighty

Indecisiveness Level: washy

Best case scenario:

Can go along for interview, be offered the job and they will happily understand my decision not to take up the offer. – Not a pipe dream if I handle it appropriately

Worst case scenario:

Don’t get offered the job or they are really pissed off with me and I upset relationships

Apocalypse – yes to latter part of that not to first part – will get over that.

Gut feelings

Cancel interview

Pluses – fair and not wasting time as decision is pretty much made up – just a slight doubt that maybe I’m missing an opportunity.

Minuses – don’t get to find out if I can be good enough – that’s pride and ego

Pluses – well quite simply I do not have to give any more time to the interview prep or time tomorrow much needed for my essay.

Minuses – there aren’t any really. Oh except if B doesn’t wire the money to PD for any reason we are out of money very soon and can’t continue.

Go for interview

Pluses – get to feed my curiosity about the process and if I can do it and come out looking good

Minuses – wastes everyones time for a bit of ego

Intuitive conclusion – money will come through and go with decision to stay with PD so cancel interview ASAP

Rational conclusion – cancel interview as soon as know money is secure

Decision – cancel interview but get help to word how to do this

Tomorrow am

Next steps ask PD to let me know once money is secure. Not that it really matters.

I wonder how many people see me use the word God and are turned off because it has religious connotations. My God is not religious of course. It's spiritual principles, it's universal energy, it's people, it's life courses, it's feeling good by doing what I rally value deep down inside. My real principles!

I'd really love it some days people would read my posts and enter into discussions with me. I love the interaction. It's not a blog though that attracts people just to read life stuff that's going on. I ralise that's actually quite boring.

Hey ho!

Bliss

XX

Indecisive decisiveness

Dilemma: What  to do about work
Date: 3rd August 2014
Decisions needed by: well finally 12th August but a lot is dependent on a number of other people in between time
Decision Importance: Weighty
Indecisiveness level: Wishy and partisan too

Best case scenario:
Have my own business going (ACT - Addiction Counselling and Therapy), working 4 days per week with regular referrals and 4/5 clients per day. Workshops up and running
Pipe dream but not impossible over two years I think

4 day per week employment with PD at AC for the next 2 years and an additional staff member.
Earning more money - unlikely with PD
Not a pipe dream but dependent on PD feeling able to carry on and getting funding.

Worst case scenario:
Out of work and on benefits if even possible these days.
Not apocalypse at all. But not great either in terms of income.

Gut Feelings
Not to work for the P BUT will go for second interview to work towards avoiding worse case scenario
Really this job interview is to go for it should AC not be in existence.

Pluses for working for them:
Could enjoy bringing the team back together.
Minuses of this - takes a lot of energy within a company that does not invest in staff or care for them so would be fighting for resources all the time and needing to justify against very tight budgets.
Pluses - increase in money (if I can negotiate it I would want at least £5k more than I'm on now)
Minuses - wouldn't really have the time to do my private work at all and also would have to see what could be done about time off for studying if start date before the end of my degree. I would want 4 days per week but it is a full time job.
Pluses - I could solidify contacts for referrals when I left.
Minuses - further to travel and would be on call really.
Pluses - nice working environment
Minuses - FC is leaving, team are in deep despair and low morale/motivation.

Gut feelings Stay at Addiction Care - definitely feels best option
Pluses - PD is a good man
Minuses - we think differently on what is support and how to support clients. I described it this morning as being two parents who have different beliefs on how to bring the kids up. I can find ways to compromise and discuss and negotiate with him and not involve the kids. (Plus - growth for me)
Pluses - do have time to do my own business and also don't have the responsibility of managing and being the decision maker merely the contributor (prefer less responsibility in that way)
Minuses - can't see any in connection with that point. Money stays the same though - but can earn a little extra with own business. However, I am not cementing any referral contacts in my own name.
Pluses - if the business grows I know PD would look after me financially
Minuses - It's hard work with PD himself. I get critical and judgmental. His mood swings can affect me and wear away at me. Sometimes I'm okay and when I;m not there it's better. It would be better if there were someone else involved as well
Another minus - it's all up in the air until tomorrow after he's spoken to his funder today.
Pluses - I am realising how grateful I am with all the benefits of this job and how when I see the negatives I am extreme and want out straight away. Grass is always greener. Grateful that I've been shown this Thank you God.

Gut feelings P at Gatwick - would love the therapy learning but it's in the wrong location. Gut instinct - don't go for the interview stop wasting theirs and my time. It's not until 12th August either so .....

Pluses - as I said the opportunity to learn more therapy
Minuses - gut feeling stuff about B and C. Both lovely people but not sure they would be to work for.
Pluses - secondary unit so not dealing with hard core addiction - people moving on and wanting to work deeper.
Minuses - the location - too far to travel and even considering a move is problematic. LouLou is very settled with A and G. They do not charge me and are more like family anyway.

Gut feelings - on benefits and develop own business. SCARY!! Not sure if I can overcome my fear. BUT this is the most favourable option.
Pluses - wouldn't have to travel so far
Minuses - like working with colleagues and this would be very lonely
Pluses - would have time to wok more on studies to completion date
Minuses - little to no income and not able to save for Singapore.
Pluses - could do lots of little jobs in between time
Minuses - not so easy to get lots of little jobs and will take the time I want for setting up etc and still earning low money
Pluses - it's what I want to try and want to believe in myself
Minuses - no minuses to that oh except lacking in self-belief and then think it's a silly idea and how can I make that work.
Pluses - once degree is completed I can spend time on differnt training courses and gain more confidence and develop self in this work (I can do this at AC too)
minuses - loan working and getting workshops up and running with another is still intermittent.
Pluses - I have lots of people support in other ways. It would be great to do this in partnership with someone else to bolster each other and somehow it's not as scary then as being on my own and doing it.
Pluses - I could really promote myself more as an artists model but that's just sort of developing slowly and maybe I need to allow ACT to just develop slowly and get known that way.

Intuition conclusion:
Wait and see what PD decides and if he's going ahead stick with him - plan to be there next 18 months and learn how to work through niggles and issues.
If he decides to fold - take redundancy and risk benefits and promote own business.

Rational conclusion;
Wait and see what PD decides and if he's going ahead stick with him - plan to be there net 18 months and learn how to work through niggles and issues.
If offered, take the P job as manager. Save, save, save. Develop contacts with a view in 18 months to 2 years to leave and focus on own business - heart sinks as I say this. Still feel as if I'm selling my soul to the devil.

Decision: For today wait and see what PD comes back with and really hope that he wants to go ahead as this is the best option for me. I'm not sure it's the best option for him and his health.
Next step: Get on with essay and see what he says tomorrow. Leave it until then.  And then re-evaluate.

Good plan Bliss!

Bliss :)
xxxx

Thank you God. This little thing was sent along just at the right time.
It has solidified what was really becoming clearer yesterday and all week I've  been praying for clarity

You are a marvel God. :)

Positions and Dilemmas

I have realised that my dilemma of principles versus greed and fear also involves anger. This has added a question to my quandary; am I cutting my nose to spite my face? I was just not equipped to manage the onslaught of LK when she took over as ATP Team Leader. Interestingly she insisted her job title was manager ad I conceded to this as she was very insistent but the job advertised is Team Leader and PD was Team Leader so I don't think now that she was right. To be honest it's a word thing but it seemed to mean so much to her that I had interpreted it to have meaning too and afforded her more importance in my skewed view of this authoritarian world we live in. Well according to my perception of things anyway.

It's fear yet again. Status and grandiosity and I am afraid of those people. Bloody hell I see as always where it comes from. It describes my dad not just who he thought he was an yet I saw through this time and time again. I was ashamed of him and played the lies with him because I was already indoctrinated by him that it mattered. I transferred that to LK and I do that everywhere. I do it with PD as well and actually with him there is a difference because at times I see the kind-hearted, caring him too. There are many ideas of his that I find bigoted and similar to my dad. Then there are other factors that for me are redeeming. I am feeling more gratitude for my job with him today having come up against this dilemma of job interviews and principles etc.

So I think if anything this Priory job application situation has at least shown me my gratitude for where I am despite the difficulties I have. The difficulties I have include how PD tells me how to or how not to feel my emotions. When he does this with the clients it infuriates me, after all hat's what's happened to them all their lives in the main and here's another person doing the same thing but this time under the label of treatment. Of course in the long run he's right, for example I realised yesterday how angry I feel with the priory and FC and PT too. I had such a difficult time when working for LK. I was difficult for her too I am very aware. I was always suspicious of her ethical practice and the little I have heard about how that escalated after the time I had left, well, it appals me!

No one listened seemed to listen to me and even when PT did seem to know what was going on he couldn't help me or support me int he way I needed him to. I needed someone to bring it to a stop and eventually I had to leave because it was not going to stop in the time before I was going to sink completely. What's worse is that because no one seemed to notice in the way I was noticing, I thought I MUST be wrong. I am disappointed in that, disappointed too, that I did not have the strength to stick to my convictions and principles.

Now I wonder if I would have the strength once again. PD mentioned only being able to do something about anything from the inside. Actually I agreed with him. The question is whether I have the energy and the inclination. I think I'd rather conserve the energy to develop my own business and complete my degree. I could do this more easily whilst with PD. I see that it would be better for me to stay with PD and learn to get over my difficulties. What an opportunity for gratitude and growth too.

It was great though to see my anger in myself because it comes out in spitful spite and seething vitriol. I just feel completely negative about the Priory group. They do not in anyway invest in their staff and I think that's pitiful. People work their socks off for them. Some don't, of course, there are always the shirkers. But with good strong management, the hard workers can be noticed and those that aren't can be brought into tow. For example I'm very aware that AW isn't a hard worker. She wants to do as little as possible, whereas SH works very hard at the things she works very hard at. However, it can be recognised that computers and the telephone are responsibilities within the team that AW is really not happy with doing. So, if it's a part of the job then she could be offered assistance to improve her techniques and skills. Just giving her the task to do and realising she finds elements of it frightening is not enough to leave her to it. If then she refuses to take on her fair share it needs to be discussed further either to find ways to do it or to take on the load of others in different ways to make time for them to do her extra workload.

Just airing my staff management ideas in thoughtfulness for the interview. So, you can see despite not wanting to work there I am hoping to do the best I can for the interview. I am going to the interview for one thing. Two days ago I was withdrawing my application. How things change. Some of which is linked with the concern of being out of work completely if PD decides finally to close shop. The options then are to be out of work and seeing how I could manage on the dole, which by all accounts is harder than the last time I was on benefits. I was on sick benefits, which I suspect would be better than the job seekers, or whatever it's called these days.

Being on benefits would afford me more time to complete my degree. That would be a benefit. And there would more time to promote my business and get things underway. A distinct lack of self-belief rushed in as I wrote that. I would like to get some more training but can't afford the time until my degree is over and if I was out of work I wouldn't be able to afford the courses. An increase in pay would help towards a new car, which is becoming much needed. More income would help with affording my trip to Singapore and also to starting a bundle of training. I would like to become more therapeutically knowledgeable. Benefits would give me more time an when I'm tired of travelling and tired because of lack of sleep and stressed to get my studying done, then this benefit of time seems appealing. Then, if I think it on further from that, I would have a lot less money. Rent I am guessing could be paid and other bills but there would still be utility bills and food bills. I doubt there would be anything left over for the odd trip to London and certainly no savings for holidays.

One thing I am sure about is, if PD continues I will continue with him and practice getting through the difficulties I have and try to practice more gratitude. I am allowed to have my moans I guess. Ultimately, I love PD. He's a good man and means well too. Sometimes he bloody infuriates me. I was so angry yesterday when he told me that I mustn't be angry with the Priory. I see PD get angry but he squashes his anger I believe and he tells me ad clients to do that too. I wanted to bloody bite his head off when he told me I must let go. I had just realised the extent of my anger for goodness sake and yes ultimately I need to let go. I KNOW that. But boy first of all hear me and let me process my anger to accepting me and them and letting go. I am glad to realise how angry I am and I constantly get infuriated with PD for shutting peoples feelings down. He often doesn't even acknowledge the sadness before he's telling them to think and feel a different way. I have learnt with help to follow that and ask the clients how they feel about what PD has said. Of course they are rarely able to say how they really feel. It's these kind of things then I end up criticising him for mentally. I have to constantly practise moving away as it is just another approach. Reveal the emotion and change the thinking so you feel differently. Heartless to me but swift and practical CBT type approach. It has value though.

I also criticise him for not being so emotionally intelligent but he is bloody practical and can see a different way forward. The thing then is he only sees that way forward and there is no room for people to disagree. It's his way or the highway. He's the same about his own recovery. See that's me judging and criticising. Please God remove this from me as it seems I just don't know how to however much I try. Smiling at myself gently thinking poor little me. I lived, you see, with my dad who did nothing but judge and criticise people. We'd have guests and as soon as they left the house, my m um dad and later I would sit and judge them - always negatively. I know what that's about but having learnt it so thoroughly I find it difficult to arrest.

So I am very, very certain that if PD continues with the business I will too. If not I will apply myself to these forthcoming interviews and see what happens. If neither of those come to fruition I am at the drawing board. I will spend time promoting my business and see what happens with that. I guess God will guide all of this. I trust God will guide all of this. I will start looking for part time jobs I think so that I can continue working for myself and perhaps be entitled to some Government financial support perhaps - who knows?? ML gets some rent contribution so it's possible if there's no income.

I also have realised today that I put money and commitment to the art group over FA. I also am putting my studying on Sundays before FA. It's as if when my Uni comes to a close then I will really commit to FA. I need to discuss this with my sponsor but am loathe to because in every other way I feel committed because I am too scared not to be. I want to stand up though and take responsibility for this now I have realised it. I don;t mean with gay abandon and ego. Just to own my recovery exactly as it is. Thank you God for clarity as I have been even manipulating myself. I am not ready therefore for a full commitment. The Saturday meeting comes second to other things. And unless the AWOL is convenient for me that too. I don't feel clever about but at least honest. Perhaps my sponsor won't want to sponsor me under those conditions - then what??

Well God, please guide me. Thank you for keeping me abstinent today, despite myself. I am abstinent of food but not pure of thought. Thank you for continuing to give me clarity. You have an endless love and resource and I take, take, take. I'm not all take am I? I give back in various ways, I really do. I can do more, I know. When my degree is over ...... ha ha ha. I am joking with you God. It's not bad to have this focus of study is it and that it does fill my time other than work even when I'm skiving off, it's always in my mind. I could be doing that better too.

Please, please guide me God to be the best I can for you. It starts with honesty.

Thank you God for the gifts you give me.

Bliss
XX

Negotiating the sale of my soul to the devil

I have had a real awakening this morning. I DO NOT want to work for the Priory. I can't take back applying for the job in the first place but I have this morning been thankful for the experience because it has revealed to me how easily I will sell my soul to the devil - on a couple of matters as well. 1 is greed, but I am seeing my principles are actually bigger these days than my greed. And for that I am grateful too. 2 Because PD kept on and on to apply even when he was first leaving. I am frustrated with myself that I allowed his voice to infiltrate and oddly its a similar voice to that of my mum and dad - security, corporate, selfish usefulness really. I don't want to put my mum in that last bracket actually - she did her work with passion.
There is a number 3 point as well, the fear of being out of work is there at times. If PD should fold up and I have been getting very drained working for him - he and I are so very different although PD is very kind to people. We had someone with us completely free of charge for 7 months. And he gives the odd free day when we genuinely know people are struggling. I would do more but that's why I will NEVER EVER be rich
Hey ho!
But I took his projections and re-hashed them. He doesn't think I know anything about business at all which doesn't matter but I did give him back my projections. My suggestion has been far more modest than his. I have costed in a salary for him and another 4 day a week therapist and then myself. I have suggested he would need another two years worth of funding which is higher than the amount he's asked for and I have projected lower intake of clients than he would like. When I costed the therapist I removed my name so that it looked like he didn't have to worry about me personally because he does. Some of his issues are sleepless nights because he worries about putting me out of work BUT I'd rather be out of work than work for the Priory and I've come to realise it. I was angry with myself earlier for even applying because I've been negotiating the sale of my soul with the devil.
However, this morning after my quiet time I am grateful to see clearly. My pride will be hurt if they don't offer and my pride is hurt that I even applied in the first place because it's evidence to the world of my greed. But there's better things than my pride, is my humility and grace.
I have a mind to call today and withdraw my application. And then I think let it ride but I think it would be harder to say thanks but no thanks knowing that I have been swayed by greed and fear. What I know is that the incongruence is greater than greed and fear. And I am so so thankful to see this and really feel it I worked for a corporate for the "best" years of my life in the sense of the days when I was super energised (youth) and super passionate. I did it because of many influences and I made good at it and was successful. It took its toll on my soul though. Always always I had the battle with my conscience, my principles, my values. And here I have a louder conscience today. I do not have to be fearful of my mum and dad's opinion. Often PD sounds like my dad, even say my name the same way my dad did and even has little sayings the same. I am losing my fear of him though. I am gaining a stronger sense of myself. And again am grateful to see how influenced I can still be by that fear of a false "god" within me.
What do you think? Withdraw my application or let it ride and receive the probable rejection anyway or thank them and say no thank you if by some fluke I am offered the job? When I was thinking about this earlier I was just cross for having applied but then realised I had to go through this process to really SEE - And then it just came to me I could withdraw - I have no idea if that's a good idea or not. And the odd thing is that if PD should close I am less troubled by that then I have been about applying for this job. Applying for the Prinsted job dos not give me the trouble this one has. I am so glad I understand what the trouble is now. I am a decent person. I do this job because I care about people not money. And I am glad it's been revealed to me that I am a decent person. My principles do not match the principles of the Priory. Doesn't make them wrong by the way it's merely a mismatch I think there are some wonderful people there. I loved seeing some of them again and I miss them. Even the "funny" folk with bad tempers - I know they care. I would hope to somehow have contact with them on a professional basis at least. Today I have three clients for my private practice. I have one who had to postpone a session as well. That one and one other today would be Skype sessions - so I don't even have to travel. Tax wise this is problematic.
It may be better for me to go self employed with PD but he is really loathe to do that for some reason. PD is really loathe to do that - not sure why but I think he fears my business will supercede his. What he doesn't know is that I would prioritise his business when I'm there and mine when not. It is divided of course. But it is anyway - I am working towards my own business. And that was another thing I know would delay further my own business. Although I was thinking working there would be good for securing better contacts. Ugh more selling my soul!!!
I can develop contacts openly and genuinely without needing that STATUS to be a somebody. Ugh ugh ugh. I am so glad this has all been revealed to me. I could feel it but couldn't quite get clarity and now I have  - there's probably more to be revealed but thank goodness this has opened up clearly. I keep asking myself if I'm seeing it like this on purpose to avoid rejection - yes I don't want not to be wanted but I think that's human. I don't want to be the one that rejects. I think I should withdraw my application. What a scary thing to do. I need to rapidly check this out with a few people because if I am to do it I need to call early this morning .... I suddenly feel clear in my head apart from this last question. I know that I DO NOT want to work for the Priory and I feel entirely settled within - that is the right thing for me. Goodness my mum and dad on earth would be having a fit right now. Mind you my dad never got over me leaving British Airways despite my success in Hogg Rob and then in latter years he completely gave up after I left Hogg Rob - just more fodder for his utter disappointment in me as a human being - the first being born the second being born a girl. He and I had very little chance of hitting it off ever really. Poor him, what a life of trying to get through it with such hatred for everything and everyone. I suppose that's why I shed a tear when I remember him laughing. When he laughed he laughed from the very core and it was genuine. I pray for that soul that was mainly trapped within him. I do not want to die in that way and I think with all the help and love I get my soul is being freed - yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I hope you don't mind me having ranted this out. I wanted it to be witnessed. I don't expect you to have read any of it at all. So don't worry about needing to reply but of course if there's anything you feel like saying please do.
If you have an opinion about withdrawing my application I'd appreciate that too.

THANK YOU GOD. I am so glad I reach out to you.

My friend suggests the following ....

morning.. I am not sure about withdrawing - u know all the above, as do friends. i may complete the process and wait to hear. if u get offered it u can let them does gently and politely. take offer away and consider and then give less emotionally charged thanks but no thanks. Distance - working on own business expansion, move.away from client work etc etc. if a rejection you can ask for feedback and keep on good terms re futures. picking up secondary work etc etc. They need know none of above. You need not explain or justify. know own current and preferred area of work and that is more client contact etc etc etc. Money bureaucracy etc your personal view. I said none of that to the art job was rejected from and kept doors open. Rejection is hard but think of hp universe etc. sometimes reasons beyond our knowledge and wot is it our will that sometimes gets in way so just let it play out. and if u get rejected no decision to make. if not 'phew' in head but keep good relations. Albeit if offered that I still think likely - client work prob key get out and apologise for change of heart but would rather say now than join and then unsettle team further by leaving.

There is my pride feeling pinched that this person comes up with some sensible ideas and not me. Ha ha ha. Please God remove my pride.

Bliss
x

Budgeting fuss

First of all I'm going to be a fussbudget about fussbudgets. It's so boring listening to people who are needlessly complaining about other people or things. It's an indication of  anger levels in my opinion. And anger that goes denied. More and more anger is less attractive. I used unconsciously be attracted to angry people. It somehow, I think, was a substitute for passion. I used to think my frustrations and anger were indications of my passion about things; wanting to stand forth as the voice for the under fellows for example. And I smile because I needed to make a point about this with a sort of needless fault-finding attitude. But there it is said and acknowledged and now I can let got and love these people just for being who they are.
I was talking with a fellow trekker this morning. She was talking about realising her anger and sadness about being treateted with inequality and being undervalued. It made me think about me in the same situation and when to accept people and injustice and when is it time to not accept and work towards changes. Whether the change be simply leaving the situation as soon as feasibly possible, or working within it for whatever reason. As with LK, it was bullying, mainly directed at me until I left and then someone else. It wasn't personal even though she thought it was and so did I. And now here with PD, his insecurity I can clearly see comes out as control and actually irrational. He blames me when he's asking me to do things he doesn't flow through on himself. That injustice is infuriating. And then when he doesn't follow through I simply carry on disregarding his request thinking well if you're not going to do as you want me to then why should I. I cane remember that as a child too. My dad would make stupid rules and expect me to follow them through when he did the opposite himself.  It's only later I've learnt that this is unjust and that it brings up I. Me anger which manifests as stubbornness and an attitude of indifference even mockery. Well I've stopped the acting out in stubbornness and mockery. But I still do feel angry and then get to jungle-tied in saying how I feel about this. I will try and raise it again in supervision and see if I can get some help in unpicking it.
Also then I can ask for some guidance on him wanting me to drop some of the regular individual sessions I do but what would be wrong I seeing if they want to see me out of hours in my own little practice or would that be stealing the clients. But if I am to drop hem does he want me to refer them on? Seems silly to me but I will find out what he thinks is best for AC and PD. At least with a supervisor present I will find out if I'm being irrational or not.
But it's good to recognise the emotions not that I hadn't but also to have the emotions out into perspective and have words to describe how I feel. When actually this sort of thing has gone on for years without real explanation.
I feel so lucky to have the fellowship to explore this stuff and work things out. There's nothing more frustrating than a sense of powerlessness which comes with injustice.

I also reloaded I. Thinking about why I was feeling irritated by my sponsors comments about meetings linked with me going away for a weekend to stay with my friend. I do not have the funds to get to an FA meeting every week. Once a month I think for me is reasonable. And then I feel guilty about saving up to go away for a weekend and having the money to treat my friend to a meal. Not equally I don't go away every weekend, it's a treat. I make sure I can get though the costs somehow. I don't have bundles and yes did overspend his weekend but can learn from that element. But say Paris, I've been saving for a year and will not feel guilty about it.
I need to have this conversation with her. I feel angry for feeling guilty. And it's on,y what I think I've heard without having the fill conversation.
Once again I'm tahnkful HP for the awareness and thereofe able to drop both the guilt and the anger and face up to responsibility. Open communication without also loading it on to someone else ie blaming them rather than looking at myself and what I have and haven't said.
I was uncomfortable being I. A restaurant that didn't cater for my food needs. It was okay I. The end, I managed but it wasn't quite right and there was an element of people pleasing. I write this. Auctions ly as I would hate anyone then to think oh no it's my fault! It's not it's mine. And I could easily have checked first and then catered for myself around this. Of course I do not expect others to neither understand nor support. It could be tedious for other people to accommodate. That's all possible. But all I need to do is ensure I get my food needs catered for. Anyone who isn't an addict has no need to understand. Anyone who isn't an addict might find it laborious. But for me it's life and death and that' can feel selfish on my part. But at least I raised this question with my sponsor, not that I really got an answer except for having to make sure I out my recovery first. I wouldn't choose to drink alcohol just because someone else wants to so I need to ensure I check things out before just accepting places and informing of my needs too. People are not expected to know the importance to me. That's my job.

I couple of weekends ago I had the loveliest of weekends. Spending time with a really lovely friend. And it keeps in perspective the value of online encounters when so many people knock it. Social media has plenty of positives and yet I also have delved into my own negatives around this as well. Despite that every experience is experience and can be learnt from. I have experiences some others may never have so can relate with knowledge when talking with on liners struggling in some way. I know myself. But I can see with balance and positivity that there's food too. There's positives in everything in some way or other.
Staying with CD and MD was lovely. Easy going and just enjoyable time. Lyme Regis, Honiton and meeting up with SS too. All lovely, lovely. Brilliant sunshine aswell. I think and hope I have a friend for life in CD. Through years of various social media CD probably knows more all round about me than anyone else in the world. How strange that is really. How fortunate I feel.
Overall I had a lovely and enlightening and loving weekend.

Bliss
XX

Jealousy and insecurity

I have a strong feeling that PD is acting childishly and spitefully in his insecurity. Now, in general, I find PD to be a generous and kind man with people. He has been generous with me and supportive too. So, it is with this background knowledge through experience that I then doubt what I think I am experiencing now. What am I experiencing now? Well in recent weeks he has blamed me for his insecurity, this is in our field of work. And he has told me to slow down. This is a ridiculous thing to ask of me from my point of view. I am studying and practicing to improve and here is someone telling me not to develop myself because it affects them. It went around and around last time we had clinical supervision and thankfully it was witnessed so that I realised I was not mad. There was no situation for PD other than me not to be me. That cannot happen anymore. And then his other solutions were not possible by his own admission leaving us in a nowhere to go hole!
And now he's taken lectures and workshops off the schedule. He was previously saying that he is feeling left behind on these too. I was so excited about having created them on topics he'd already created his own. I am not a leader of design, I can simply take an idea and make it work for me, adjust it to my way of presenting things. And then in his insecurity he lashes out and punishes by removing it from the curriculum.
Yet he says publicly that I'm the boss and what I say goes. It is so the opposite. Only when he asks does he even take the slightest bit of notice. It's better than it used to be because he does ask. We do things differently, so I try not to be hyper0critical because it's not the way I do things. Instead I try to see the point he is making and whether it does the job according to him. It's not easy though.
I compare myself though and come out as believing I am more self-aware than PD and this always, always precedes a mighty fall! Of the sort than can devastate me. My confidence gets knocked. So, I am attempting to not compare with him and instead be pleased with my increasing self-awareness. Keep the focus on me and what I am or am not doing. I can be super critical of self or super egotistical. The flip side of the same coin.
My part has involved thinking better of myself than PD and feeling critical, which I'm pretty certain he will have picked up on even if it's not clearly evident. I can sense that criticism in others even when it's said with a smile. We are intuitive people, all of us. And listing to those intuitions is important but just as important is what we do with them. I know in my addiction the intuition within me got all muddled up. But now and with time it is becoming more of a guidance. Not that "I KNOW", but there are little signs that I pick up on and need to take heed of and explore.
Mt fear is what holds me back from exploring my intuition. I know that something is going on with PD now. He is trying to tell me something but I'm not sure what it is. I hear his insecurity and he seems to be attempting to say something but not directly. He seems to be less blaming on the outside but looking for absolutes to explain his behaviour and attitude.
Another thing I have noticed increasingly, is that I react badly to someone telling me how I feel. There is one person, S, in FA who often says you sound angry. I think there is some projection or something going on there. But also I wonder what it is about me that leads her to make this assumption? Yesterday PD said I looked perky. It feels manipulative, as if that's how he wants me to be feeling so if he says it I will be. He couldn't have been further from the truth either. I had been really anti being at work yesterday, feeling tired and really not wanting to engage with him much, drained by what feels like pure stress and heightened control. That's my judgment of things  and all I can do is assess how I am rather than pointing fingers at him. So within the situation I noticed I ma less tolerant and really quite critical. I am exhausted and just didn't want to have to deal with it all. This suggests to me I am trying to hard, maybe not setting boundaries and to be honest I am unsure as to what the boundaries are that I need to set.
I became conscious that I often felt manipulated by my dad. He would say and do things in a similar way, telling me how I need to think or what I should say, but not with needs and should, rather telling me that was what I was thinking or about to say. It would cause a reaction then too. I would get infuriated and actually I would explode in one way or another. I would either explode at him trying to break free from what felt like shackles that he put me in. Or I'd break free out of view. I have a strong image of leaving the house, mum and dad's house, driving to the chemist, buying a supply of laxatives and a bottle of diet coke, taking them in the car and then zooming off to London to party in someway with some man or other. Of course, I'd have lied to them saying I needed to get off home now, pleading with good sense, i.e. weather or traffic or an early night before work, when in fact usually my dad would be despairing because I rarely did the sensible thing. They surely would have known too that they were being conned!!
Now with PD I need to discover a way of handling these assumptions he makes without being obstreperous and immediately fighting with the absolute opposite. It doesn't feel good as I become extreme and if he's putting the positive slant then I put the absolute darkest negative, which I hasten t add is an exaggerated version to make my point and regain power of myself. I would like to say something like "oh really, what makes you think that?" But what I really want to get to is what it is he's trying to manipulate and why. How can I find out God what's really going on?
Maybe I can say simply that - you seem to be telling me how you think I am.... nah! Sounds too much like a therapist talking. I need some guidance please God.
I am rather drained and worn down by the interactions. Most of the time now I am aware of his high stress levels and tolerate as a practice. I keep my mouth closed often because to be honest there isn't much to say and anything I could say might be antagonistic in the moment.
I do feel that PD is much more directive with people yet he doesn't think he is. He says he is reflective. It's as if he's changed the meaning of that word to suit what he does rather than change what he does. And it's all well and good observing him in this way but who's observing me without criticism. LK just saw me as a bad practioner and no doubt used my leaving as a great way to tarnish my name amongst those who would listen. And here she is on unexpected annual leave. Due back from a holiday I wonder what will happen next. I wonder if we will know.
I do not think I am all good but I am also no longer dwelling in feeling all bad or high ego. I am open to valued criticism but thgere are some folk who's opinion I value more than others because they see tings without judgment. This is useful lessons

Considered verdict

I was late in court to represent Lisa. I arrived just in the final throws whereby she received the verdict of guilty and to be thrown out or deported or something. AB was saying isn't there something you can do. To be honest Lisa was oblivious. I was so cross with myself, disappointed to the point of utter despondency and in writing this I'm realising that I do have an attitude of finality once an authority has made a decision or perhaps it's laziness or something else I'm not quite sure of. I just gave in to the verdict without a fight. Perhaps guided by my feeling of guilt and remorse for not being there at the right time. I do remember seeing the look of glee on the faces of the prosecuting team. And sad that they had gone hell for leather to get a girl who is so young and vulnerable. I of course was seeing Lisa aged 17 as she was when we were all in the Priory. Gosh she was so ill as well as so young. Completely vulnerable.
Anyway the next thing AB was talking with the judge across the pews of the court. And then the judge called over to me asking if this is true? I was given the chance to explain Lisa's circumstances, her bi-polar and so on. Suddenly the ruling was over turned and Lisa was declared innocent. I think the prosecuting team (is that an American term) had left. I was given a cardboard front of shirt thingamajig. I don't know if they have a name. You know similar to the cardboard fronts of a dress shirt men wear for formal functions. What is it called? Aha thank goodness for Wikipedia - a dickie - a sort of cardboard shirt bib. It was also known as a shirt bosom. All these things are going out of fashion for men as formal dress is worn less and less. Anyway I was given a large one of these in a sort of coral pink colour. I was also given a black skirt. Apparently the practise is more ceremonial when winning the case (according the knowledge I suddenly had in my dream - it's funny how there is a sort of internal running commentary in my dreams to explain the odd things that happen and make sense of the banal). Anyway this was all sort of handed over in a bundle, which I received with hands full of papers and carrying a briefcase, so it was all a bit of a muddle. And around me people were celebrating my win but I was thinking it wasn't me, it was AB persevering with her idea to challenge even though it was already decided and over. I have felt this recently with ideas she's had. I'm not necessarily the ideas person but can pick up on them and make them work when it's for someone else but for myself I am full of fear. And I feel inferior because I'm not the ideas person. I am a follower and sheeple as someone on FB would say.
I feel inadequate not being a creator and merely a follower.
So everyone was celebrating but Lisa remained oblivious.

I can recall in a following dream trying not to forget the court room dream but in the process I've forgotten the following dream.

I've been feeling a bit fuzzy-brained since I think Saturday evening. I was sitting in the meeting listening to V doing her chair. G was there which threw me slightly. I was aware of thinking he'd be criticising me in some way for my lace gloves and what I shared. And I imagine his criticism of me being secretary as well was rife. Anyway all of that took over perhaps. I felt sad that we had had a something and now it's quite bitter from him. I was cheerful to see him and friendly. He was dour and the way he is with people he doesn't trust and like. Well it's his issue really. That's how he is. Then on Sunday evening I received some texts from him. Mainly moaning about someone sharing and then glad to have the opportunity to have a go on the following evening when doing a chair at another meeting.
I found it funny that V shared about being in a relationship and there was abusive discourse from the ex. I found G's behaviour abusive and I expect he found my behaviour abusive. I didn't ever set out to be abusive of offensive but I'm pretty sure at times I could be because we tap into each others hurt and issues. I want to be beyond that somehow and with someone who is beyond that. I wonder if it's possible.
I feel sad today that my mum is not alive. A person on FB was saying how they are going to Australia with their mum. The person is the same age as me. And she believes that due to her mums ailments wouldn't make this journey again. I am sad that I haven't got my ageing mum with me. It was sad last evening with the Kaleidoscope magazine with AB and GB remembering how my mum would select clothes for me that were not always what I'd select for myself. She knew what might look good on me. She'd buy tings for me too. I have none of that now. I took it for granted then. And I'd manipulate too. All went when she died. So many things I only appreciate when they no longer exist. My dad. And the sorrow I feel for not being able to let him into my life in any shape or form. Holding onto deep resentment and now he's gone.
LouLou is sneezing. she is getting older and I have so taken her for granted too. She no longer likes to sleep with me and doesn't cuddle up with me on the settee anymore.
I have such a good friendship with AB. I don't know if I show it. I am there practically everyday. But do I show my appreciation in any way. I will tell her today how much I value her friendship and I will tell GB how much I admire her and value how she includes me. That brings on a real feeling of sadness. I do feel lonely at times.
I can't be bothered to get going today. I have had this feeling of nothingless and I have been fighting it. Trying to work out how I feel. Wondering why I don't know. Wondering if it's hormones related. Trying to work it out and then with the answer I'll have control of it. Instead I simply need to accept it and give in to it and let it be. I trust it will pass as it has before but even if it doesn't, it will all be okay. I worry I suppose that I operate so much on an emotions level with people that without it I won't be able to do my job well.
It's a funny feeling. Just can't put my finger on something that seems to be there underlying everything. It will become clear if it's meant to.
Regret I think is there. Regrets about the past and the way I've been and still can be. Regrets that I have no children. That came to the fore earlier this morning when I was reading the 24 Hours a Day book. It focused on the impact of alcoholism on the children. The impact has been that I've terminated them as soon as they've got to conception. How dreadful. How sad that I will never know those little soles as human beings. I am so so sorry to those little souls. Ad yes sorry that there was a them not even just a one. I've had a whole big family but not much beyond conception. One was months rather than just weeks. It was that I was too scared on that occasion to go with the draw to have the baby. Scared to tell my parents I was pregnant yet they would have been horrified about a termination. God help me with these thoughts.
I've rarely spoken about these things. This morning when I was reading about the impact of alcoholism I hadn't even thought of the decision I had made as an impact on the souls. All I ever think about is the impact on me - poor, poor me!

I suppose I need to get up. I don't want to. It's my last study day or rather free day off this year. I don;t want to work 5 days a week. I want to work 4 days per week. I wonder if I'd be able to manage on the pay.
God I would like to guidance please about how to go forward and if I should go forward with my own little business. I have some ideas of my own that PD will not allow me to do at Addiction Care. I would like to talk to him about some evening work at a shared cost. These are referrals directly to me. He asked me if I'd see them privately or through AC. I need to sit down and discuss things with him. Thursday is busy with 1:1's for me.
But I have some ideas I'd like to follow through. Some private 1:1's in the evenings a women's closed group, a writing group with a view to putting a book together of experiences and to publish it.
I would like to start some training courses for counsellors too. But I need premises. God is this the way forward? If so how do I do it?
I have visions of the little therapeutic writing group on a Sunday morning in a quaint tea shop private room. Something cosy and friendly. Not in the "work" environment.

I need to get up. I will call AB and see if she'd like a walk this morning. Then I can come home for the rest of the day and speak with TH later on and a meeting with CT this evening. An AA adventure as we have called them.

I need a wee too. I can feel a little lighter I think. Oh I wonder if this is not my nothinglessness and a clients stuckness I am experiencing. And I think the stuckness maybe A's when I would have more likely thought M's. Hmmm now that's interesting. It could be stuckness not nothinglessness.
God please show me the way. Thank you.
Oh I wonder if it's if I feel a bit attracted to A and it's my stuckness then with that. I need to bring that out in supervision I think. Ew yuch - exposure.

Bliss
XX
 

Crumbs such as a Smile

With regard to the treatment centre job offer in Thailand, The timing isn't good for this kind if a move. I'm not unhappy where I am in anything just not terribly satisfied. More gratitude less wanting. Reading the big book this morning which I'm advised to read a couple if paragraphs chosen at random on a regular basis, I was reading about sex conduct - liked your link between accepting first smile from a man and similarly job. I did do that with G. Never think men will find me attractive so when one does I'm so shocked and flattered. Anyhow that's by the by. As I was reading it flirted through my mind how boring a person I'll be if I live by my principles. Used to think the same about drinking and drugging and even jobs and EVERYTHING - if I live as I believe then I WILL be boring. I worked hard at crossing my principles and the rules. I constantly have felt guilty and have been waiting to get caught. Funny thing is its me who caught me and I imploded. In fact drinking and drugging just relaxed my internal disciplinarian do that I could break my internal measure - and overcome my reservedness. It's not new information but sometimes it shines obvious and it's good to share it rather than just let these thoughts come and go. So the naughty, addictive, hedonistic me suddenly rose up. I thought "bloody hell, it will be boring not to toy with men from time to time." It's so insidious how this restless element to me manifests. I am glad of the awareness as in that moment I could also bring in the part if me that does want to be respectful, not give any cause to writes jealousy, suspicion or bitterness. I can live by the way I believe in and feel at ease with. There have even been times when I've forced encounters as a way of dealing with my own jealousy, suspicions and bitterness. Retaliation. And of course those feelings can be self induced, not based in any reality other than my own insecurity. I've made it all do complex and if course it became more and more complicated as the years went by. The escalation. Of course things are much simpler and less damaging when I started out. And then the line into compulsiveness was crossed at some point. I knew no other way at that point. But it's all fallen in and I'm very grateful I can be redirected. Not pure of thought but at least I'm making wiser choices. Just really wanted to externalise a moment of my thoughts. Thanks for reading this. All triggered by page 69-72. And not wanting to be driven by my self-centredness or what was a blinded desperate bid for survival in other words. Wanting to be guided by a more inner sense of decency - listen to my instincts more, and be mindful of others - gradually gradually waking up.

Bliss

G-Day Thexts and hospital influences

 I always live as if I've never fully moved in and ready to leave. It's not homely at all.

I started my new job. So nice to BE in a humane environment again. Mainly I'm researching potential client bases but had my first client yesterday.

It's good not to be too mind stretched as my dad is very unwell. He maintains the distance between us do I'm trying to push the hospital whilst respecting his wishes. It hurts but I can deal with that although at times the pain in my heart feels crippling. It only can be if I let it

I've had longings for closeness with G but know its merely emotions. I'd already discovered the way he is is not compatible with the way I am. It's just a wanting to be wanted above anyone else to make me feel worthwhile. I know I'm okay and enough on an intellectual level but I don't believe it in my heart and soul. My dads rejection yet again has re emphasised that mistaken core belief. So I'm not surprised I've had longings for G. We are able to be friendly though. I'm pleased as he truly is an extraordinary person in many ways. And I'd like to be able to tap into that side of him - he is so interesting .

My emotions have been all over the place - rage, fear, irritation, fury, jealousy, remorse, sadness, blaming, confusion, disappointment, despair. I keep finding gratitude though and holding into my trust in something bigger than us all - the universe and the energy of that. I am praying for my dad and through gritted teeth for his wife too. I don't know what's best for either of them so just pray for them. Thank goodness I have 12 step fellowship. Food thoughts have been strong but I can call and talk. I know I'm an addict and a part of that is wanting to escape my emotions especially the uncomfortable feelings. So here I am facing it all using support and my sense of a bigger picture that I'm not in control of. I'm

learning so much about myself and that's fascinating amidst all of the difficulty. Again thank goodness for my recovery. I get strength just thinking of that.

So today I'm going to the hospital. I know my dad won't see me but I want to see the nurses and find out what they are doing and what the plan is. I have been advised to do this so that they know there is someone involved. Otherwise apparently they send people "on the path to Liverpool" in other words let them die. I don't know if I heard that correctly but the meaning is accurate. I'm going tink

to look it up. Later on I'm meeting G - I'm hoping to get my key back and also just be friendly. I dont think either of us want more than that. But there is a part of me who wants him to want me do desperately he'll change. I know that won't work and isn't possible so I'll need to be cautious not to fall for any warmth. It's not enough for me with this man. I have to keep reminding myself of all that wasn't working but to do that there is still emotional pain. Hence people say have some distance at the end of a relationship ie some time. Otherwise my pain can easily arouse frustration and then anger and I've already got plenty if that. Oh blimey I took a quick peek on SL. The temptation to escape you see is enormous. I feel immense pressure with all of this especially when the future creeps in and projecting that I'm going to have to battle with his wife to be involved with any arrangements should my dad die. I need to know his wishes but he won't tell me. Once he's dead who cares really. But then my greediness kicks in and wanting my inheritance. I hate myself for even thinking about it let alone the fighting I'm considering. I just have to hand it over and trust. I'm showing up attempting to respect my dads wishes but at the same time get him cared for. That's all I can do I think.
Blimey that's a lot of texting. Some of it really is good to hear in my head and get it out. Thank you for being there. Have a wonderful Saturday. Byeeeee for now cx


Since then G and I are sort of back together. It's all unclear as to how and what it is. But then does everything have to be clear and certain for me?
And I received a call last evening from T my dad's wife. I'm not really clear exactly what she said but suffice that the end of his life seems to be approaching. She has suggestd I go and visit him today. I will go after lunch. He may be distressed by my visit and ask me to leave again. T apparently was unaware he had stoped me visiting. I wonder what the hell he has told people??? He tells me she's the one who doesn't like me and is jealous of me. Part of me wants to announce this to her.
Anyway she cried. She said it's too son. And she just wants him home. I feel for her but also sickened to here this. She is not my mum and they were flirting with each other not long after my mum died. How could she? How could he? Mostly - typical of him. I am angry with him for this and may be completely unjustified. What the hell does it matter. I can forgive him too. I suppose I want to be with someone yet I know I can be without.
With G? Well who knows what it is. There is something not connected about it. There is a grump he had yesterday when he was so far from me. It's still there today and yet he's trying to be supportive. I am glad he offered to come with me but with the distance ....? I don't know. I am just wondering what it's all about really??
What is the point of all of this. Strife and self gain. Wanting this and needing that. It also feels odd because my sense of purpose has been a lifetime, 52 years of trying to get my dad to love ME. Not an image of me but me the person just as I am. I wantes him to see ME and accept ME. But no! 

On Resentment

As I started on my journey home, finally leaving work at around 19:40 last night I felt a surge of rage run through me. I was angry that I HAD to stay late if I wanted to hand over a clean slate before starting my long weekend of leave. I am so glad to not have to be going in for 4 days. I need this break as I am tired of it all. There were a couple of days when I felt very detached and wasn't sure of my irritation with people. As it turns out the 1:1's that I was actually worried about my irritation with were A, OK. But there is one client I am irritated by and feel shut down from being able to express the process. I haven't even been able to see the process.
Anyway this surge of rage. But I find it ugly too as then internally I was having a rant which fuels the rage. Thank goodness I was so tired that I was more like a wet rag by the time I picked up JB. He had kindly lent me his car whilst my was being serviced. I was so tired I really was limp in my body and I managed only to say that I was exhausted and angry about working late because of the lack of staff and over working culture I now find myself in. And then talking about it this morning, B asked if that wasn't actually only the fear that I'm going to be walked all over?
Yup! That's exactly it. I'm angry with myself for not being totally boundaried and just leaving it all undone - telling that it's all done but leaving it anyway.
What I didn't is hand a recovery plan to one client. I didn't do any of the outstanding discharge summaries. I didn't have a 1:1 with one client about boundaries (that's funny really isn't it?). I didn't collect my towels from the laundry room - I'll call this morning and speak with Jackie because otherwise they are likely to go missing). I didn't get to say goodbye to Peter. I didn't get to handover my clients.
It's naff.

So anyway it's important to step aside from the resentment. I need to accept that I chose to stay and make sure things were clearer for SH tomorrow. And that I had handed over to LK some of the information. I told her the client didn't have a recovery plan. But she will forget - that wasn't important to her.
Stepping away isn't so easy.
It is the way it is right now. LK has a culture of over working.
I need to find a way of accepting that rather than resenting it. The resentment really is with myself when I examine it.
I resent the fact that I didn't say NO and handover all the things that aren't yet done. And another thing is that I didn't want to leave things totally undone in case of any comeback and to cover my back but also try and leave less things for Sharon today.
It was my choice not to leave as soon as I'd done CD's notes. It as my choice not to dot he notes after the sessions at the time the previous day. It would just mean that that departure time was later but that's all part of the sessions I suppose. Hmmm
Ad I was eager to get my car delivered ad collected each evening. So I made choices.
OK I can step aside of blaming and accept my choice. So now I have time off.
My supervision by telephone isn't happening as agreed at 10 am. I will go for a walk and come back to start some studying at 11 for an hour. Take a break by going to the bank and post office and then lunch and then more studying this afternoon.
I forgot to email the counselling section of the dissertation for accreditation so I will have to leave that now until next week.
In the meantime I can finalise the other sections and they do not need to be as elaborate as I have currently got them.

Bliss
XX


 

Boggled and befuddled. What to do? And how to do whatever it is I am to do?

God please guide me.

I have thought over my meeting with the HD (Hospital Director) F yeserday. It was good to be listened to without fighting silly corporate management event hoguh she can only advise from a silly management point of view. I knew that of her but also know that she hears an has strong boundaries that she tuns the hospital to having worked with her before.
I also know I cannot change L. It's pretty hard to pin down exact things she does as well.
For instance yesterday she was asking about a client and something I said disagreed slightly with her. Then she turned. She seemed to goad me into a discussion and it's as if she pulls the rug from under my feet suddenly and unexpectedly.
The discussion started about this clients food. He had identified a problem and asked for help rather being told. Now it seems that if anyone is making good progress with a client she wants to usurp what ever is being done I think.
Anyway so there we  were talking about his food but I said that's great however what he is not addressing is his avoidance. She asked questions about this and I was explaining his patterns and suggestions which are completely out of her own experiences of change I believe. So then she started talking about this book she read recently which is actually questioning codependency as a phenomena and that people get labelled. The problem is L thinks that if we identify something we are labelling them but I think she bases this on her own way of labelling. I constantly forget this and so when we discuss something I need to not do this. She labels people with judgements. I and a few others use labels as a moving hypothesis and not a completeness of the person.
But when I use them she seems to want to argue me as being wrong. And this is what happened yesterday. I then get argumentative in the past. But remembered yesterday to simply say that sounds interesting and would love to read the book too. I suggested a couple of books that she might find interesting to enhance what she has read and get other view points.
So you see there are all these subtleties going on that I think I would find impossible to back up in a mediated meeting. I did state yesterday that in my opinion she is uncertain and at times out of her depth and I regret saying that.
But I truly believe it. It's a little like N really. Someone way out of their depth, fighting their corner by lashing out at everyone else to cover their fear. There is no way to compete against that. So I'm now not sure if mediation is correct .
What I'd like is to find a way to manage my emotional reactions, to find a way to be me regardless and be able to face the consequences (I am doing that more and more), find a way to let this go over my head and far away, find a way to be friendly, adaptable, flexible and cooperative with a smile and with ease. LET GO!

When there are ethical things for me to question like sponsoring a client, like judgements and behaviours that seem detrimental etc I can raise these issues with N and let them decide what they want to do. If I am only raising that kind of thing rather than my personal difficulties then I leave it in their hands.
As I said yesterday it could be about simply leaving my personal things at home. Get on with the job as best I can. Stand up for myself when she starts throwing things around the office or being exceptionally loud or disagreeable.
Wow if I could do all of those things I would be much happier. That's really what I want.
I already know it's about separating personal from professional. And thankfully I've got you and FA and so on for good support with my personal feelings.
It's just now finding the ways to do what I want to achieve.

For today I have left it with F that I am thinking about the options presented to me.
I will continue seeing Occ Health. Just to keep an eye on my own health and fitness. I of course have regular supervision and now some extra supervision agreed to continue my clinical health and fitness checks.

Hmmmm - I think I can sort of see a way forward from time to time. I think my meeting yesterday with  was a tad moany but also stating my difficulties.
I mentioned some of the ethical things I question. Now that is over to them to observe if they want to or not.

In the meantime I would like to work towards being a helpful and supportive member of the team. How do I do that?
I need to just listen to her more as that is what she seems to need. She needs to be right so I can let her - drop my pride.
I can keep checking with her what she wants done, state what seems to be the days clinical agenda and ask her what she wants me to cover. She seems to want to be fully in control of everything so let her again drop my pride and my need to have any input.
I nee to say when I think something seems unethical but I need a way to say that that is surely me questioning and not sounding accusational - any ideas.
Such as a situation arising when she decides to sponsor a client. Or perhaps I should simply leave it as if I question anything at all she flips her lid and then the rest of the week it's punishing again and argumentative over every little thing.
I do need to speak up when there is so much noise in the office and when she speaks to me in nasty tones. Sometimes I don't notice until afterwards though. My fear keeps me in a sort of closed down state. It's very weird to observe in myself. I don't something is really bad until afterwards, like I go into a shock state of stillness and fear.
But I can say afterwards that I found something out of order for me. I think I will say that about the board rubber in supervision today. And the noise in the office.
Raising my head above the parapet scares the living daylights out of me because there is usually some kind of retaliation. But then I need to hear whatever comes back as useful feedback. There is bound to be degrees of truth in it. After all I am aware things that I do or say can be equally has annoying or unpleasant and it's finding a way for all of these personalities to be together in a small room for so many hours per day that's the greatest challenge in life.
I really really don't like working in an office where there is a high level of noise and I also don;t want nor need to hear loads of stories about her. I am not interested to be honest because I don't really like her but I can't say that.

Hmmm so lots of thoughts. Changing thoughts and ideas. They don't represent me as a person but are ideas that have entered my mind in the moments. Any thoughts or ideas of your own would be appreciated.
I valued your input yesterday and got me thinking about asking S what support she might be able to give me was useful. I will ask my supervisor the same question. I think they can be of valuable support whether I choose to stay and be or whether I choose to go for the mediation. I feel more inclined at the moment to go the first of those two. But it could simply be fear based. No doubt L is feeling firey knowing I had a meeting with F anyway and will be on the attack.
I need ways of speaking with her that keep the focus on me. I try that many different ways and so far haven't fund a way that is effective with L. She takes everything so personally and is utterly sensitive that it is fired back as an attack with a viciousness that catches each of us unawares. Thankfully everyone has been caught up in the same surprising line of fire. Maybe there isn't a way of saying anything to her. S gets very jokey with her and that can at times seem to work. It feels so false to me that I have refused so far to got hat route. Maybe it is the only way  be pally and jokey.
But then I see S gets drawn into other things that she then has  to get nasty about to bring to a halt.
Phew so flipping complicated.
I hope never to be this difficult to be with.

God please help me to retain my abstinence today in every shape and form. I realised I left a lie message on my sponsors answer machine and need to own that with her. I pick up lies like I picked up food - automatically. I felt scared that I'd got it wrong. Bless my scared little soul. And instead of saying that I had not had an alarm to tell me to call and got carried away with deep thinking and other things. Also I am tired after a couple of strange calls through the night. Then I burnt a pan this morning being all too easily distracted. IN fact I burnt the pan twice. I am just not focused and need to regain myself and remain conscious. I am already late leaving so gotta go!

I will add that I was distracted last night with M/s and the whole drawing in of being a slave and totally possessed. I masturbated and feel sickened by this part of me. It's too difficult to understand and I am sure that it was an escape from feeling vulnerable and uncertain. I then was texting JH the M of the M/s this morning as he is visiting the UK and it all tied in. Too easily distracted with this rather than focusing on what I am finding tricky times. I don't like myself much either for not knowing how to deal with the situation at work. I tell myself I should know better. And I feel so insecure in my work immediately upon her return. And I think I am so closed minded in my defence of that. Grrr.
Gently does it. God please be with me. Let me bring you into my day today.
Bliss
XX

Mediation

Hmm do I or don't I?
The boss-lady is back and instantly this morning she engaged me in a discussion that ends up with her simply contradicting. She raises these questions knowing that she is going to pout her view across and anyone else's is invalid. I forget every time and wonder why I am entering into an argument which is just nonsense. I would like to remember to step aside from the debates as they are simply not debates they are going to be her telling her thoughts and everyone else is wrong!!
God help me, guide me in what to do please.
I met with F who basically said these are my options
1. I do nothing and hope things improve
2. I leave
3. I take this to a level of grievance which is a lengthy and nasty procedure. Legalities become involved and it could mean one or other is suspend whilst investigations take place. This was in connection with mentioning the word bullying.
4. I enter into mediated meetings and discussions. This requires input and energy to find a way through to a solution

The last one seems the most frightening. Well that is because I have completely discarded option 3. It's just not that serious an issue for me. I am unhappy in the workplace though working for her.
So do I go for option 4 or 1. After all I am hoping for option 2 but with some resolution for me, myself and I with the way this boss-lady is but how I learn to accept the situation and strengthen my resolve to her.
It's just horrible though. It's not possible to do my work and feel comfortable. Of course really, deep down, I want her to change and be changed. I want the management to see the problem and sort her out. Bloody hell! What am I to do?

Sketching helps.
And talking with friends. Laughed and empathised and hypothesised with V this evening. A great chat with all sorts of topics covered. One hopes that sketches are not offence.

So what happened today other than the crazy conversation. So many times i wanted to jump in and have an organised procedure around this or that. But thank goodness I am learning to keep my mouth firmly shut. She does not want procedural things raised. So just get on with what I am doing and let go. Trust that anything untoward will come to light and I do not have to be the one who says anything.
S was very touchy feely I noticed. I wonder if she was very stressed last week, hence the rushing around and super controlling. And then big apologies afterwards with hugs and friendliness.

I am dreading supervision tomorrow. I think whilst I consider the options I will keep my mouth closed. After all I'll only be disagreed with anyway. Be quite and stay out of trouble. It's so much easier.

I want a drink. A Tea Pig Peppermint and Liquorice. I'll be right back.

In group this morning I was back in the uncertainty of what to do or say. I asked a couple of questions and sat back. She did nothing really although I liked the way she asked if what others started talking about was helpful to the person who had initiated a discussion around what was going on for them and was slightly hi-jacked. I would like to remember that.
Sometimes I do think she asks very good questions within the Process Group. It's just that she sees her way as the only way and my way as the wrong way. She cannot incorporate both as potential ways to reach a similar point but from different directions.
Thank goodness none of the others can work with it the way it is. Otherwise it's all me!!

I am tired really and writing drivel. I will have my drink and then off to bed.
Night all
Bliss
XX