"Before It's Too Late"
Goo Goo Dolls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtSAIhP1-5s&feature=related
I wander through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
and I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes
And
hold on before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives
and the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone
So live like you mean it
Love 'til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone
It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that I need in my life
This morning JH and I had a very open and interesting talk. I said that over the past couple of days I have felt a distance. Of course with my active imagination I can fill in the gaps with all sorts of things. I can hear little things that perhaps JH subconsciously hesitates over saying or maybe it's just something in the air.
I am beginning to trust my instincts but not my thinking. If I just go with my instincts then I can stay calm and also hear what needs to be said.
Whilst Whatsapping we moved to Skype despite not planning to meet until later this evening. Au environ huit heures.
Anyhow JH told me about someone having contacted him from SL - it was an inconsequential really. But this is at least a step towards more openness. As I have said to JH and to others, the detail of the behaviour is not the issue. The secrecy and deceit are my issues. Without openness and honesty my choice is removed. And also I am not being respected as being reasonable or able to make my own choices whether I stay or not. It is not putting trust in me and it's removes my dignity through all of these things and probably more.
I was honest with JH saying that there are times I hear him and think I hear a cloudiness and lack of full clarity on something. I think I am arrogant to even say this after all what do I truly know? But It's like I so want him to get up to speed so that we can just be easy together.
How arrogant of me! I know so little. A mere beginner at this and yet I also feel that the principles are on the right track. I feel more at one. I bet all people think that when they think they have the answer.
But when I talk with JH and other people we do seem to have a greater look at the world.
As I have explained again and again it's not about making judgement of rights and wrongs. It's about openness so that we can actually see if our differences are compatible. If we have similarly principles and can journey alongside each other. I do not judge whether anyone else is right or wrong.
I can witness behaviours an attitudes and thought processes that seem to be harming the individual and their life. But it doesn't mean I judge them as wrong. I can though say that that is not OK for me in my life.
And that's what deceit removes.
Thing is that I value JH so much more otherwise I would have gone already. There would be little point in hanging around to see what he does to change.
I think JH an I ave similarities.
I later spoke with ET. That was really easy simply listening to her. Not having to have answers for her but sharing ideas and different ways to move a little further along the path.
Then I spoke with ML. I said that there are times when I feel very judged y her and have this need to get it right for her to approve of me. She said that she senses how I categorise her as judging me. She says she doesn't do that anymore. And I have felt a big shift in that from her. However, there are still times when I sense I am not approved of. ML says we all have to make judgements and I once again said I agree, we need to judge to help ensure people do not crash over our boundaries. But judging is over stated as being others right or wrong. Instead I think judging helps e to determine what is right or wrong for me and helps me assess difference but does not give me the right to pass judgement on others which is different.
And that I think is where justice steps in.
I know that justice is being taken at a higher level. But we humans get so angry when someone crosses over our boundaries especially uninvited - and its then that we get angry. Rightly so. Anger serves the purpose to protect ourselves. The difficulty comes when we want to place that anger on someone else and blame them.
How does all this sit with crime I ask myself?
For example we as humans have mainly decided the paedophilia is wrong. I agree by the way. I do make a judgment on this. I know that sexual abuse involving children severely affects their mental development and social skills and self esteem etc. Some children seem to get themselves back together and carry on with a little extra help. Some don't. I think all children are gravely affected by sexual abuse, by neglect, by mental abuse,. emotional abuse and spiritual abuse.
In some cases types of abuse are unintentional and parents are simply doing their best with their own limited skills. But sometimes the abuse is intentional.
Both are damaging but intentional damage - well how do we deal with that?
Now here judgement and justice seem to step off my previous writings - but does it really.
I judge this to be wrong behaviour - harming someone else with intent! And therefore the persecutor needs consequences. Now according to the Buddhist monks we are fortunate in this country that we do not let crime go unpunished and we seek out the persecutor unlike other countries e.g. India where people can literally get away with murder apparently. But then even if the person is not caught the monks said to me justice is taking place at a higher level. And I thought about my dad, that at some level he has lived a very tortured life. He seems to be in spiritual pain and not at ease being himself. But then he walks away free of his crimes. I have let go of a need to punish and harm. I pray instead that he might find freedom for his soul and be happy and content in the truest meaning of the word.
Yet a few years ago I was so so raging that I either took it our on myself or tried to punish him in various ways. It just took time and some help to focus on me and forgiving me - I thought I was the criminal. And actually I did go on into my life being a less than nice person at time. Well how judgemental is that. I did what I did but deep down I was not happy with the way I behaved. I was not wrong or bad despite doing some things that were not right and good according to my own principles - and there it is the higher justice. It takes place in my spirit - eroding away at my self esteem until eventually I felt worthless.
The justice is taking place at a much higher level than any human can ever bring upon this earth or any individual. But if someone re-offends and re-offends then we do need to help to curb the behaviour and the damage to others that that incurs.
So we make a judgement about right and wrong on behalf of victims. Children most definitely are victims - defenceless. Some adults though are not victims. And yet we step in there.
I am getting all knotted up here in thought ....
How far from slavery I feel right now
Bliss
xx
