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The New Colossus  by Emma Lazarus


Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

I can't remember why now I looked for this poem. Crazy woman
Bx

Fuconsion

I Skype messaged JH last evening. I miss him. I miss our interaction and so contacted him. I am not allowing him nor I space to move this into friendship.
I get confused all too easily. JH wonders why we have broken up and then I begin to wonder why too? Why can't we just carry on.
I am not strong enough like he is to deal with all the things that he has between us.
I was getting to be OK with the uncertainty of a relationship developing. In past relationships I have (and neither has the other person) been OK with that uncertainty. What I now recognise is the courting time. Spending time getting to know each other gradually. No attempt at long term commitment. I can see now how terrified I have been of uncertainty in the past and how controlling it is to have become deeply embroiled in a relationship almost immediately. I feel a need to qualify that to myself so that I am not the only culprit because each of these relationships has been with a person who also seems to do the same. Wanting to be together all the time, living together, promises of "forever" commitment. All too soon - always.
And actually I have mistaken control to be commitment and loving I think at times. And of course when wanting to do some of my own things I have encountered anger. That was SH for sure. I was so controllable to begin with - adapting to suit him and then when I started wanting to do my things I encountered his wrath and the only way was to rebel. Well that's one look at it. Would be interesting to have his input. That can never happen though because he is so so angry with life.

And so as I was becoming aware of this, with JH it was good to spend the week before Christmas just being how we are - individuals getting together and interacting. Yes it was very good indeed with no pressure really of anything more than that. BUT our relationship is not just about that. Between us is JH's situation. Now that is not a whinge about him have a history. Bloody hell I have a whole history too. But today I am available, emotionally and mentally as well as physically. I have made space and time since my last relationship. I am not still attached. There is sometimes some sadness and some anger but it is faint and fleeting. JH is still very much emotionally involved.
He said that if L said she wanted him back he would need help. What does that mean? Need help with what? And then his current involvement with L isn't the only difficulty. Having had our longest time together tainted with deceit, it does not make it easy to trust. JH asks for blind faith and there is no relationship without trust. Well there is more trust in him as a person because he has been more open about the situations he is in. But the combination of the past and the current leaves me questioning what I am to him.
And so to step back and be able to be a supportive friend with no need for him to be anyone else than he is seems much easier. In this way I am not wondering what his intentions are with people he is in contact with or feeling distance when he is emotionally ensconced elsewhere.
I want nothing more than for us to be able to be together. JH's situation is how it is. He writes and speaks with such clarity on how things can be. I wish I was stronger to be able to be alongside all of this just as it is and see what happens. As I write it I think oh stop worrying and get on with it. And I lose track of why it is it's been so painful.
It's been painful because earlier secrets and deceit. I cannot let go of this yet. It was big! I understand but nonetheless it has been difficult for me. And then JH revealing that he really is till trying to come to terms with being separated. It's understandable. It's not in the least bit unusual. I was told to expect to be grieving for about half the length of time of the relationship and I was only with SH for 5 years. And sure enough I started to feel some healing after about 2 years. So JH has a lot more grieving to do. Made even more difficult by spending time together as a family. It really confuses and hurts JH. He describes how they are so good together and anyone seeing them wouldn't know they are not a close family. He still wants this he says. And yet without it he wants me. That's where I think he needs time to grieve and heal and then see.
Phew it hurts like hell.

I don't think of him as a dishonest person. I think he is a decent man and someone I like so very much indeed. I love JH. He is generous and considerate in many ways. He has a freedom about his soul - looking to fling the door open. Creative of course. Fun. An adventurer.

I am feeling tired - so unwell poo.

I believe we can develop our friendship and trust can grow and  establish respect. It's time and pace and removing drama. Create an environment where we can actually talk about anything in our lives without fear of being wrong or judged etc. Just being our full selves.
Perhaps I am a fool to think it is unreasonable for a man to be investing in other women other than as friends. However I have had relationships in which I could totally trust. And friendships were that, no misconstrued messages, no confusion between him and female friends.  They created trust. And as I write that it is not the responsibility of the other person to create trust. Trust comes through from the person. It is my responsibility to be trustworthy so that the other person can put trust in me.


I am losing concentration again. I really am not OK with how I am feeling - ill and nothing makes sense every so often. Going to get some fresh air.
Back later maybe.
None of this makes much sense as I think my brain is mush right now.
Bliss
XX