Positions and Dilemmas

I have realised that my dilemma of principles versus greed and fear also involves anger. This has added a question to my quandary; am I cutting my nose to spite my face? I was just not equipped to manage the onslaught of LK when she took over as ATP Team Leader. Interestingly she insisted her job title was manager ad I conceded to this as she was very insistent but the job advertised is Team Leader and PD was Team Leader so I don't think now that she was right. To be honest it's a word thing but it seemed to mean so much to her that I had interpreted it to have meaning too and afforded her more importance in my skewed view of this authoritarian world we live in. Well according to my perception of things anyway.

It's fear yet again. Status and grandiosity and I am afraid of those people. Bloody hell I see as always where it comes from. It describes my dad not just who he thought he was an yet I saw through this time and time again. I was ashamed of him and played the lies with him because I was already indoctrinated by him that it mattered. I transferred that to LK and I do that everywhere. I do it with PD as well and actually with him there is a difference because at times I see the kind-hearted, caring him too. There are many ideas of his that I find bigoted and similar to my dad. Then there are other factors that for me are redeeming. I am feeling more gratitude for my job with him today having come up against this dilemma of job interviews and principles etc.

So I think if anything this Priory job application situation has at least shown me my gratitude for where I am despite the difficulties I have. The difficulties I have include how PD tells me how to or how not to feel my emotions. When he does this with the clients it infuriates me, after all hat's what's happened to them all their lives in the main and here's another person doing the same thing but this time under the label of treatment. Of course in the long run he's right, for example I realised yesterday how angry I feel with the priory and FC and PT too. I had such a difficult time when working for LK. I was difficult for her too I am very aware. I was always suspicious of her ethical practice and the little I have heard about how that escalated after the time I had left, well, it appals me!

No one listened seemed to listen to me and even when PT did seem to know what was going on he couldn't help me or support me int he way I needed him to. I needed someone to bring it to a stop and eventually I had to leave because it was not going to stop in the time before I was going to sink completely. What's worse is that because no one seemed to notice in the way I was noticing, I thought I MUST be wrong. I am disappointed in that, disappointed too, that I did not have the strength to stick to my convictions and principles.

Now I wonder if I would have the strength once again. PD mentioned only being able to do something about anything from the inside. Actually I agreed with him. The question is whether I have the energy and the inclination. I think I'd rather conserve the energy to develop my own business and complete my degree. I could do this more easily whilst with PD. I see that it would be better for me to stay with PD and learn to get over my difficulties. What an opportunity for gratitude and growth too.

It was great though to see my anger in myself because it comes out in spitful spite and seething vitriol. I just feel completely negative about the Priory group. They do not in anyway invest in their staff and I think that's pitiful. People work their socks off for them. Some don't, of course, there are always the shirkers. But with good strong management, the hard workers can be noticed and those that aren't can be brought into tow. For example I'm very aware that AW isn't a hard worker. She wants to do as little as possible, whereas SH works very hard at the things she works very hard at. However, it can be recognised that computers and the telephone are responsibilities within the team that AW is really not happy with doing. So, if it's a part of the job then she could be offered assistance to improve her techniques and skills. Just giving her the task to do and realising she finds elements of it frightening is not enough to leave her to it. If then she refuses to take on her fair share it needs to be discussed further either to find ways to do it or to take on the load of others in different ways to make time for them to do her extra workload.

Just airing my staff management ideas in thoughtfulness for the interview. So, you can see despite not wanting to work there I am hoping to do the best I can for the interview. I am going to the interview for one thing. Two days ago I was withdrawing my application. How things change. Some of which is linked with the concern of being out of work completely if PD decides finally to close shop. The options then are to be out of work and seeing how I could manage on the dole, which by all accounts is harder than the last time I was on benefits. I was on sick benefits, which I suspect would be better than the job seekers, or whatever it's called these days.

Being on benefits would afford me more time to complete my degree. That would be a benefit. And there would more time to promote my business and get things underway. A distinct lack of self-belief rushed in as I wrote that. I would like to get some more training but can't afford the time until my degree is over and if I was out of work I wouldn't be able to afford the courses. An increase in pay would help towards a new car, which is becoming much needed. More income would help with affording my trip to Singapore and also to starting a bundle of training. I would like to become more therapeutically knowledgeable. Benefits would give me more time an when I'm tired of travelling and tired because of lack of sleep and stressed to get my studying done, then this benefit of time seems appealing. Then, if I think it on further from that, I would have a lot less money. Rent I am guessing could be paid and other bills but there would still be utility bills and food bills. I doubt there would be anything left over for the odd trip to London and certainly no savings for holidays.

One thing I am sure about is, if PD continues I will continue with him and practice getting through the difficulties I have and try to practice more gratitude. I am allowed to have my moans I guess. Ultimately, I love PD. He's a good man and means well too. Sometimes he bloody infuriates me. I was so angry yesterday when he told me that I mustn't be angry with the Priory. I see PD get angry but he squashes his anger I believe and he tells me ad clients to do that too. I wanted to bloody bite his head off when he told me I must let go. I had just realised the extent of my anger for goodness sake and yes ultimately I need to let go. I KNOW that. But boy first of all hear me and let me process my anger to accepting me and them and letting go. I am glad to realise how angry I am and I constantly get infuriated with PD for shutting peoples feelings down. He often doesn't even acknowledge the sadness before he's telling them to think and feel a different way. I have learnt with help to follow that and ask the clients how they feel about what PD has said. Of course they are rarely able to say how they really feel. It's these kind of things then I end up criticising him for mentally. I have to constantly practise moving away as it is just another approach. Reveal the emotion and change the thinking so you feel differently. Heartless to me but swift and practical CBT type approach. It has value though.

I also criticise him for not being so emotionally intelligent but he is bloody practical and can see a different way forward. The thing then is he only sees that way forward and there is no room for people to disagree. It's his way or the highway. He's the same about his own recovery. See that's me judging and criticising. Please God remove this from me as it seems I just don't know how to however much I try. Smiling at myself gently thinking poor little me. I lived, you see, with my dad who did nothing but judge and criticise people. We'd have guests and as soon as they left the house, my m um dad and later I would sit and judge them - always negatively. I know what that's about but having learnt it so thoroughly I find it difficult to arrest.

So I am very, very certain that if PD continues with the business I will too. If not I will apply myself to these forthcoming interviews and see what happens. If neither of those come to fruition I am at the drawing board. I will spend time promoting my business and see what happens with that. I guess God will guide all of this. I trust God will guide all of this. I will start looking for part time jobs I think so that I can continue working for myself and perhaps be entitled to some Government financial support perhaps - who knows?? ML gets some rent contribution so it's possible if there's no income.

I also have realised today that I put money and commitment to the art group over FA. I also am putting my studying on Sundays before FA. It's as if when my Uni comes to a close then I will really commit to FA. I need to discuss this with my sponsor but am loathe to because in every other way I feel committed because I am too scared not to be. I want to stand up though and take responsibility for this now I have realised it. I don;t mean with gay abandon and ego. Just to own my recovery exactly as it is. Thank you God for clarity as I have been even manipulating myself. I am not ready therefore for a full commitment. The Saturday meeting comes second to other things. And unless the AWOL is convenient for me that too. I don't feel clever about but at least honest. Perhaps my sponsor won't want to sponsor me under those conditions - then what??

Well God, please guide me. Thank you for keeping me abstinent today, despite myself. I am abstinent of food but not pure of thought. Thank you for continuing to give me clarity. You have an endless love and resource and I take, take, take. I'm not all take am I? I give back in various ways, I really do. I can do more, I know. When my degree is over ...... ha ha ha. I am joking with you God. It's not bad to have this focus of study is it and that it does fill my time other than work even when I'm skiving off, it's always in my mind. I could be doing that better too.

Please, please guide me God to be the best I can for you. It starts with honesty.

Thank you God for the gifts you give me.

Bliss
XX

Budgeting fuss

First of all I'm going to be a fussbudget about fussbudgets. It's so boring listening to people who are needlessly complaining about other people or things. It's an indication of  anger levels in my opinion. And anger that goes denied. More and more anger is less attractive. I used unconsciously be attracted to angry people. It somehow, I think, was a substitute for passion. I used to think my frustrations and anger were indications of my passion about things; wanting to stand forth as the voice for the under fellows for example. And I smile because I needed to make a point about this with a sort of needless fault-finding attitude. But there it is said and acknowledged and now I can let got and love these people just for being who they are.
I was talking with a fellow trekker this morning. She was talking about realising her anger and sadness about being treateted with inequality and being undervalued. It made me think about me in the same situation and when to accept people and injustice and when is it time to not accept and work towards changes. Whether the change be simply leaving the situation as soon as feasibly possible, or working within it for whatever reason. As with LK, it was bullying, mainly directed at me until I left and then someone else. It wasn't personal even though she thought it was and so did I. And now here with PD, his insecurity I can clearly see comes out as control and actually irrational. He blames me when he's asking me to do things he doesn't flow through on himself. That injustice is infuriating. And then when he doesn't follow through I simply carry on disregarding his request thinking well if you're not going to do as you want me to then why should I. I cane remember that as a child too. My dad would make stupid rules and expect me to follow them through when he did the opposite himself.  It's only later I've learnt that this is unjust and that it brings up I. Me anger which manifests as stubbornness and an attitude of indifference even mockery. Well I've stopped the acting out in stubbornness and mockery. But I still do feel angry and then get to jungle-tied in saying how I feel about this. I will try and raise it again in supervision and see if I can get some help in unpicking it.
Also then I can ask for some guidance on him wanting me to drop some of the regular individual sessions I do but what would be wrong I seeing if they want to see me out of hours in my own little practice or would that be stealing the clients. But if I am to drop hem does he want me to refer them on? Seems silly to me but I will find out what he thinks is best for AC and PD. At least with a supervisor present I will find out if I'm being irrational or not.
But it's good to recognise the emotions not that I hadn't but also to have the emotions out into perspective and have words to describe how I feel. When actually this sort of thing has gone on for years without real explanation.
I feel so lucky to have the fellowship to explore this stuff and work things out. There's nothing more frustrating than a sense of powerlessness which comes with injustice.

I also reloaded I. Thinking about why I was feeling irritated by my sponsors comments about meetings linked with me going away for a weekend to stay with my friend. I do not have the funds to get to an FA meeting every week. Once a month I think for me is reasonable. And then I feel guilty about saving up to go away for a weekend and having the money to treat my friend to a meal. Not equally I don't go away every weekend, it's a treat. I make sure I can get though the costs somehow. I don't have bundles and yes did overspend his weekend but can learn from that element. But say Paris, I've been saving for a year and will not feel guilty about it.
I need to have this conversation with her. I feel angry for feeling guilty. And it's on,y what I think I've heard without having the fill conversation.
Once again I'm tahnkful HP for the awareness and thereofe able to drop both the guilt and the anger and face up to responsibility. Open communication without also loading it on to someone else ie blaming them rather than looking at myself and what I have and haven't said.
I was uncomfortable being I. A restaurant that didn't cater for my food needs. It was okay I. The end, I managed but it wasn't quite right and there was an element of people pleasing. I write this. Auctions ly as I would hate anyone then to think oh no it's my fault! It's not it's mine. And I could easily have checked first and then catered for myself around this. Of course I do not expect others to neither understand nor support. It could be tedious for other people to accommodate. That's all possible. But all I need to do is ensure I get my food needs catered for. Anyone who isn't an addict has no need to understand. Anyone who isn't an addict might find it laborious. But for me it's life and death and that' can feel selfish on my part. But at least I raised this question with my sponsor, not that I really got an answer except for having to make sure I out my recovery first. I wouldn't choose to drink alcohol just because someone else wants to so I need to ensure I check things out before just accepting places and informing of my needs too. People are not expected to know the importance to me. That's my job.

I couple of weekends ago I had the loveliest of weekends. Spending time with a really lovely friend. And it keeps in perspective the value of online encounters when so many people knock it. Social media has plenty of positives and yet I also have delved into my own negatives around this as well. Despite that every experience is experience and can be learnt from. I have experiences some others may never have so can relate with knowledge when talking with on liners struggling in some way. I know myself. But I can see with balance and positivity that there's food too. There's positives in everything in some way or other.
Staying with CD and MD was lovely. Easy going and just enjoyable time. Lyme Regis, Honiton and meeting up with SS too. All lovely, lovely. Brilliant sunshine aswell. I think and hope I have a friend for life in CD. Through years of various social media CD probably knows more all round about me than anyone else in the world. How strange that is really. How fortunate I feel.
Overall I had a lovely and enlightening and loving weekend.

Bliss
XX

Universal truths

At a very young age, well that's how it seems to me now, my dad told me that women are only good for one thing and on a separate occasion told me that men only want one thing. I made it my business to meet the demand even though I was horrified to think that women were only good for one thing. I wanted to be good for more than one thing, I really wanted to be accepted as me. The problem was that having set a career on meeting men's demands meant that unconsciously and subtly I was eroding away at the me bits. Despite screaming inside it was masked by confusion of not really ever feeling good enough and the louder voice that actually being me was  not what was actually wanted.
So today I am less and less surprised that men seem to think it is okay to send my pictures of their body parts. I have a large collection on peni, assuming the latin law for the plural of such words. I jokingly suggest that I will make a collage of these photos and post in FB for the men to see if they can identify themselves. It's mildly amusing but deep down the reality of this is hitting home.
The deep remorse I am feeling for my behaviours over the years is centred around the many failed relationships. Oddly the sense of remorse isn't because of the actual ending of the relationships anymore. That was always the sense of shame I seemed to carry. Another family motto, I think posited by my mum was "you make your bed, you lie in it". And also there was this till death us do part sort of commitment which I think was more of a silent rule. It's similar to the work ethic of being a reliable and loyal employee until death and only being of sick if one has riga mortis. Again said jokingly but I took it, whether it was meant or not, with an element of truth. And of course these things become the universal truth. When in reality there is a partial truth in everything, it is not THE truth. Something actually G would mention too and was raised by V this morning in our committed call. I had forgotten that the committed call was for shared time not just to support him and in my egotistical manner being the one person who can help him into recovery. I feel a degree of that with T too and forget that it's actually friendship with these people that's the important thing for me. I just want them to be happy whatever they are doing and want to be able to support them however they are doing.
A slight deviation there. Apologies. So this weekend, once again I have been sitting with a lot of remorse within my grief and also my loneliness. I can see how over these years there has been a gradual peeling off of layers with each choice that I have made involving men.
As a younger person, ad I'd like to think it was my teens but I can remember being interested in a young boy called David at age 7 yrs. He came for tea and my mum liked him because he took his cap off. I was pleased that eh pleased my mum, it was some acceptance of me somehow. And that links in with several choices of males throughout my life that my parents simply didn't like. And on reflection, I see of course how inappropriate they were. But in my dogged attitude and need at the time I determinedly wanted them and had them. In turn this brought other situations about, involving money and loss of it later on, heart ache, troubles. In all shapes and sizes there was some related chaos around my choices. I see how disappointing I was to my parents and sadly I didn't have enough recovery to change this before my dad died. Even with another relationship entered into whole heartedly too fast. But I was so grateful for his support during that very troubling time. Thank you G. God if there's anyway of letting him know how grateful I am despite being uncomfortable even then with some of his approaches and attitudes. The writing was clearly on the wall for me but it was more than I could deal with at that time and as usual I wanted the male company.
That has driven so much, that desperation to be approved of by men coupled with the belief that I needed to be good at being sexy. The irony is that I do not feel as if I am sexy or attractive woman. people say I am but to be honest I think they just say that to make me feel better. Who is going to say, after all, yes you're ugly. At least I'm not fat and ugly. The thing is, I also know that if I'm living by my principles, I feel better about myself. Feeling better about myself, I like myself and when I like myself I feel attractive. The unattractiveness really started with G as I was crossed my principle but as usual was compelled by his attention. I am so easily flattered. even though I was already questioning why I would find this man attractive. I could see his anger and negativity written all over his face. Literally. And his gossip was there from the beginning. I overlooked all of that for the approval of a man which I was getting. And then to have sex and for him to say it was the best ever, just fed my ego. I really did get yet another level of intimacy with G. I learnt so much with JH. That was the first time within the willingness to do as I was told as his slave, that I could allow myself to enjoy the sex. I wanted to please him and then was rewarded by being allowed to feel good myself. I see really well hos that worked. The thing is I don't want any of that outside of a committed relationship. And by committed I realise I don't mean an assurance of this is for lie but a commitment to work at it together. To create some security that at the first problem there will not be a tendency to run off or escape facing the issues by ignoring them or using something or someone else. The commitment is in facing the situations honestly and openly together. No deceit as best as can be. I know I am terrified and of what I don't always know so the honesty isn't necessarily immediate. And yet I demand absolute honesty and openness. I am seeing how unreasonable I've been and how unfair.But if there's a trust between us developing then he could start to trust that I will get honest as I can and I can trust that he will too. But so long as we're both able to talk about things at that level, be accountable and take responsibility. These are all layers peeling back for me to see and understand.
It's growth.
I feel that the remorse can lift as I start to live by changing ways. I don't have to keep doing the same thing and actually at my fathers deathbed I was doing the same thing and feeling consciously uncomfortable with it yet compelled to continue. I need someone there on my side actually and G was. I don't think any friend would have been able to be available at the same degree.
Thank you God for providing what I need at the right time always.
This is an area that is so complex.
I was just talking with E and she articulated an experience I attempted to explain to G. He wanted sex. I just didn't feel at all connected with him. There had been grumpy times between us, probably for some weeks. And suddenly he was all friendly and flirty. It felt nice. I joined in. The I realised that actually he wanted sex. I felt duped and dirty. I said no but was scared to and sure enough it resulted in him reverting to grumpy and even grumpier - an argument and criticism etc. No doubt for him there was rejection involved. I had thought that my needing more than just the desire of me sexually was connected with my years of acting out sexually. I mean with a virtual ( as in barely knowing them rather than the knewest meaning of virtual and meaning not in person) stranger I can be sex orientated for a extended period of time. It's all that matters initially in a way. But I have this less obvious agenda of wanting to be loved and cherished and by giving of myself that's what I expect in return. Of course, that's not in the mind of the man. At least I don't think so. So hen G wanted sex he wasn't used to the rejection. Coupled with his own insecurities around sex I am guessing this was a more than unpleasant situation.
I tried to explain that I need to feel connected and intimate to be able to have sex. But that would be counter to initial experiences when soon after getting together we were in bed together. I am disappointed that with LW I entered into the whole sexual thing but have pulled back. A line has been crossed but with him there is no chance of anything developing because he lives there and I live here. It's all virtual. So I have been able to say no and he still pushes and teases. I flirt a little back but keep away from anything full blown. It's tantalising and at times I flit in the the fantasy that somehow we could get together. I get jealous when he talks about my attractive friends. An indication to me that I am investing a little more than I'd like to make out I am.
I can talk about this I guess. But in the main I am practising getting back to my principles all the time. I want to live by the standards that feel righteous and then I feel better about myself. I like myself and when I like myself I feel like an attractive person and I'm likable by all whether they like me or not.

So that early message was absorbed and I set about living by it. It was my dads truth. I've learnt from PW that he was the randiest man he had ever known. I witnessed him with women too. I do wonder how my mum put up with it. I wonder why she left him soon after they were married. I have always wondered, even as a little person, why they got married so quickly. It was 6 months and then they were married. I believe my mum was on the rebound from her cricketing, wealthy boyfriend from Ottershaw. What was his name again? As a little girl I often used to wish he was my dad even though I realised I wouldn't have been me if he had been. Even then I didn't want to be. I'd give up me if life could be better. How sad.
Anyhow, I see all of this as the way forward. After a few weekends of a lot of remorse, I'm suddenly seeing a way forward. Thank you God (of my understanding). I feel lighter as a result.
I feel dreadful that with ML I have always said that so long as I have a roof over my head then she has too. But because G didn't like her suddenly that was not the truth anymore. Now he's gone it is the truth. But how on earth can she trust that. I understand. I am sorry but it seems pointless saying sorry. I don't trust myself right now that I am strong enough to make that promise and really keep it. So all I can do is  work at changing and being more reliable. I wasn't so available to AB either. I don't want to return to spending so much time, needing her. So I will develop my life but be more measured and spend time with her but not needing her. She is more understanding that when a person is in a relationship they inevitably spend less time with friends. It is a compromise. It's not a slight. I understand. With AM she has a boyfriend and a baby and is less and less available. So I have called her and made an arrangement to meet up. I do miss her of course. And sometimes I eel a little resentful and then remember. All my friends that have had babies are like that. And when they get into a relationship too. The problem is I'm afraid of being alone and need to nurture myself better.
It was so good that I kept to my committed date with myself yesterday. A beautiful sunset walk, this time around a little areas of Chidham rather than Thorney Island. Just nest door. Somehow being there by the sea is very soothing. I keep thinking I would like to be places where I can find wild flowers. There are loads there but instead of seeking out names I'm just looking at them. I should remember the shapes and the leaves as G started teaching me and looking them up. Perhaps I will. But I don't think my nook is extensive enough. I will hopefully find a very good pocket version that i an carry around in the car. I'm tired of taking photos of them.
I took some photos that need editing but right now I am clearer to study so I'm going to.

Thank you God for this process. When I've been feeling lazy I really have only been lazy with my studying and getting to bed early. But I haven't been a lazy person. Processing emotions is not lazy. It's time consuming and exhausting. It's not the easy option. It would have been lazy of me to not have followed through with my commitment to friends on Saturday evening or my date with myself last evening. It would be lazy if I don't follow through with my commitment to read this morning then after lunch to go shopping and a walk with AB early evening when cooler.

I will call her now to arrange these things so at least I know the plan for the day. And then get on with a 30 minute study session before a short break and then another session.

Bliss
XX


 

Ambivalence to Addiction by Prof FT

Higher Order Systems versus Lower Order Systems.
Can we train our HIGHER ORDER SYSTEM?
The higher order might need to energise the lower order too.

Imagine the woman who is married to a drunkard. She is forced to have sex with him. She has a higher level intention that overrides the disgist of the lower level.
The wanting goes up and the liking remains much the same.
Sometimes it works the other way around. A happily married couple never get around to sex but enjoy if they ever get around to it. They no longer wat each other but like each other.


Id of Freud is wild and constrained by the super ego. And Skinner discuessed basic reinforcement issues.

Ambivalence

"I had prayed to you for chastity and said "Give me chastity and continence but not yet." For I was afraid that you would answer my prayer at once and cure me too soon of the disease of lust which I wanted satisfied, not quelled."
St Augustine, Confessions Book VIII. 7

Conflict between wanting to stop and be different but then not in a way that others might suggest. I wanted change but on my terms.

Some people talk about acting on instinct and this might suggest that the lower system or the older system within the brain is in charge. So when does it occur that reason and logic, the more evolved part of the brain can override the wild side, the side that wants to be satisified in terms of St Augutus?
What was the point for eample when I'd had enough even though I didn't know what it was that I had had enough of or what I needed to do? When was it that I gave in to AA for instance and let this programme support or develope the supposed missing evolved side of me?

An instincutal murder as opposed to a serial killer which is premeditated urder such as Ted Bundy. Vincent Tabak however, was this premeditated or unplanned as suggested by Prof FT. He murdered a girl in Bristol. He watched violent pronography it was discovered. He saw a smile as a come on sign and followed that up somehow. In her presence perhaps he was replaying the fantasies that seemed to take over. This seems to be the conclusion the police made. Bandura certainly produed evidence that would suggest that behaviours can be learnt or indeed inspired through mimicing others and in fact the censoring of TV programmes for children was based on this evidence. I think this was in the 70's it really started. There is a separate argument perhaps for the removal of choice perhaps weakening the self-censorship that might come through experience. There will be the percentage of people I am supposing that will never develop a self-censorship and perhaps that links in with addiction. Again I am not sure at what point I knew that I couldn't go onin the way I was going. It was destructive and I was so very unhappy. Despite desperately seekig the feel good factor I was simply getting to under normal which was better at least than despair. But it wasn't enough.

MOTIVATION theory

Biopsychosocial -
lures bring us on like magnets to certain behaviours. The fundamental drives being hunger, thirst, lust. Satisfied with food, drink and sex.
Incentives pull on our behaviour. And this seems to be general across all motivations.

The combination of the physical stimulus and the cognitive representation, for example imagination, that can stimulate behaviours or in other words underlie motivation.

I can so identify this with sex addiction. Just yesterday talking about the fantasy of M/s with G was stimulatig. I did not have to have any physical stimulation to feel desire purely based on memories and imagination. I was aroused and wanted G to play along. However, there is another side that is developing withi me. Instead of being animalisitic, instinctive or level 1 of the system, I also recognise how that draw, that lure can be dangerous. I can see how it removes from the two people just as they are. The role play can become the relationship and something is lost. It becomes all about sex. I could feel it happenig in a sense and then where would G and I be in that situation again. I could feel the pull though. And last night I was tempted to take a look at SL. I signed into the website and thank goodness noone was logged on that could have been a further lure. It is there within me. I fell into the cyber sex routine so easily with LW and felt the shame and also he disappointment within me that I had been disloyal to G despite myself. It is a strong and powerful driver of my behaviour counter to my spiritual principles that I value so highly. Gosh!

Skinner developed his box drawing on the natural motivation of hunger. He showed that the rat would "learn" to press a lever to get food. A behaviour that would not necessarily be a natural behaviour
And so incentive motivation theory - based on homeostasis, the tendency of the body to keep the body stable.
Homeostasis however is not the dominant drive, the incentive is shown to be the stronger drive.
Ie when intravenously injected with water this wasn't enough to create the learning in the rat - ie the lever injection pairing.


Some addictions can be mutually supporting because they share a bit of common brain machinery. Sex and drugs, alcohol and gambling for example - basically describing what I see call cluster addictions.


Drugs hijack biologically-adaptive processes.
They cheat the system and use the system - lure with the incentive for their potent consequences.
There is no advantage to survival to using drugs but lure on their changed effect.

Dopamine out of alignment casue catastrophe. It is used only in a small number of areas in the brain.
It is believed to be a part of the seeking out - the incentive activity in the brain.
It seems to make life seem good - excitation of the dopaminergic system.

Incentive salience - dopamine turns life into magnets that draw us in.

Tolman and Bowls Bindra - 3 giants in the research of addiction.

There is  specific brain pathway that seems linked with the magnet behaviour, the lure to the outside world.
Change is key in this area of the brain. Coolidge Effect - wanting uncertainty and change. It excited dopamine. Las Vegas research is full of people with uncertainty, machines maximising on uncertainty.
Dovovyetsy, The Gambler - was suddenly overcome by risk.
Uncertainty drives for more and more of it.

The nearer to the target the more intense the pull of the magnet. Motivational myopia. Strongly motivated means that consequences get ignored i.e. ignore the effect on waistline when wanting to eat
Discounting the future.

Differences in brains shows that stimulated by sex or food and the pathway activity with individuals meant that the researcher could predict their behaviour in connection with food and sex.

Measuring cravings - some people are craving at the image of food for example. Some people are strong cravers and others not. It's triggered by cues.
Common dopaminergic centres - this could spill over into making another incentive attractive. Sex for example is used to sell other things - cars, smoking etc.

Ian Huntley - perhaps it was not planned and happened on impulse. He thought he was on to a good thing but discovered he wasn't and something spilled over into his aggression.


Addiction
Dopamine underlies our wanting of the addiction.

Dopamine medication shows that it spills over into the wanting pathway and [eople develop an addiction.
People like drugs and alcohol and sex etc. Liking is driven by the opioids in the brain.


Rat pups protest when taken away from their mother. Injected with morphoine their distress is greatly reduced. Soothing.

Nicotine is one of the most difficult to give up of the substances.
Thene tere are behavioural addictions - there are natural opioids in the brain. If injecting opioid for example the brain is artificially stimulated then.
Life is not broken down anymore into physical or psychological. Now they are known to be both.

All addictions serve the end to bring up the level of opiods. Short term pleasure for long term pain is the trade off.

Even with all the misery the addict believes that life is better than without despite the long term pain.

If shown the trigger cue there is low level dopiminergic activity. ie show a sex addict pornogrpahy then the craving is triggered. And the drive to get the person and the craving gets stronger when the possibility gets more probable.

There is an example of flight crew who are smokers - one short haul and one long haul team. The short term crew craved the closer they got to Berlin but the other crew didn't start craving strongly until approaching Japan.

Smoking however don't get a high rate as do cocaine addicts for example. It's not a massive noticeable rush.

Want what we like and like what we want.
Liking can come down though. A dissociation can occur as they are two seperate bases.
ONe dopamine and one opioid.

An addict will approach cues.

Control and motivation come together - how to weaken the influence of system one.
Preemptive action - Homer - he knew he'd given in to temptation but he knew that he needed to take preemptive action - ie. could resist the lure.
Food TEMPTATIONS - if you feel you may give in and value your waistline take your own food and don't wait as in the "hot" state you will give in.
Gamblers often put themselves on the banned list as if they get there they will give in to the temptation.
Some are good at restraint some are not.
Wilde - I couldn't help it I could resist everything but temptation.

There are differences in people with regard to temptation. It shows in rats as well.
Some rats will engage more vigorously than others - there is a large amount of incentive salience.
Both incentivised in the same way but some are more intrigued than others.
Thre seems to be a tendency towards the low level control and the high level control but whats the difference.
The ones that are vigorous have a high level of dopamine in the brain - they have certain traits and things become a positive reinforcer in their own right.
Is it the same in humans?

Love Prof FT who is so proud of his photo with Skinner.

Skinner was the father of operant conditioning. Reinforcement - we do them because we get reinforced.
There were two students who challenged this - they talked about the misbehaviour ...
Misbehaviour can be a priming word in cognitive explanations.
They trained animals to work for food. They would pick up a coin and earn food that way.
Thigns went down hill and behaviours degenerated. Aniumals did anything but deposit the coin.
The conditioning gave the token enormous incentive salience.
Dovovetsjy talked about the racing heart as he neared the gambling hall. Fetishes are usually a male phenomenon - and could be linked with similar to high incentive atttributions to the fenmal attire is underdriven by dopamine.

Addiction is a stronger than normal system 1 and weaker system 2.
The prefrontal brain is damaged with certain drugs.

relapse - predictive lures will weaken the resolve to quit.
Vietnam War was an example that only some are actually addictive. The expectation was theat there would be an increase in drug addicts. There wasn't the levels returned to the same as they were.

There is more and more addiction in society - not just substances but behaviours too. It is suggested that there is dislocation driving addiction. People are torn from their social norms.
Opiates reduce distress of separation - a social alienation might underlie addiction.

Is biology the issue or is it sociology? I don't think it can be extricated as a separateness.
Of course it's both. The fact that the environment changes is also linked within internal environmental changes.
Both are crucial to each other.

As a species we are most able to predict the future and yet discount this with addiction.

Why do we vote the way we do?
Is it appearance? - Kennedy was tanned, taller and more attractive
Evidence suggests that its not just issues that people vote on
Dispassionate vision is one level - Passionate vision - people are moved by what is illicit in the person
2 systems? They co-exist and we make up our mind based o appeals to system 1 or system 2?
Bush for example appealed more to system 1 ie he could get on with people.
Those who were attracted to the more cignitive canditate may have been stronger on system 2.

Balance - Obama- appealed to both.
Clinton seemed to appeal to both. He did get out of kilter. But his speeches were genius.
Consumer society produces an excessive level of wants.

System 2 both needs to energise and restrain ie ie the driver and the horse. The driver needs to get the horse going but also slow it down when necessary.
If the horse takes control the drive is being disengaged.
It will operate then at a very low level - prediction and awareness are removed.

Politicians. How well bealanced are system 1 and 2.
Bush appealed to system 1 - TWICE.
What drives the politician. Driven by system 1 and 2 in combination.
There may be a bias towards system 1 - does a psychopath have a higher drive by system 1?
Gore or Kerry work on system 2 and appeal to system 2 people.
Clinton is a textbook case of getting the balance of the two systems.
Highly intellectual but incredibly affable.

Approach and avoidance - the control of active behaviour ie moving towards or avoiding and aversive situation. If the animal avoids a shcok to its foot then that pathway is activated.
There is a pathway that seems to characterise depression. Three is a distinction b etween wanting and liking
Some people just don't want but if can get out of bed do enjoy what they engae with ie the liing is till therre. Some people can not want nor like

Smoking- manage to quits. Some people will stay awayfrom addictions - is system 2 more dominant?
What a dread for the good question. There is no answer to this question.
Yes the system 2 seems to become more active if they manage to quit.
Why do some people get this inspiration to swtich off the habit totally - does chock treatment trick system 2 into activity?
Nicotine only ever takes away the distress of not having it. Possibly.
ALEXANDER SAYS THAT THE DISLOCATION OR DISPOSSESED TURN TO ADDICTION.
Not everyone smolking is dislocated or dispossed but it creates a craving for itself.
It doens't bring any great hedonism expect the alleviation of the craving
Why do some people kick the habit?

Nicotone is only addictive for 3 days - the habitual side is the difficulty afterwards.
Change things and behaviours around the smoking and it starts to break the addiction cues.
A 60 a day smoker was given some support and given some suggestions. There was something about not being told and believed the persona dn followed the suggestions.
Belief is therefore important in people deciding to follow the path of change.

Influence could be key in giving up.











Bliss




 

Principles as a layer of Systems according to St Paul

Romans - letters from St Paul to the Romans
7:14

The Law, of course, as we all know is spiritual; but I am unspiritual; I have been sold as a slave to sin. I cannot understand my own behaviour. I fail to carry out the things I want to do, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. When I act against my own will, that means I have a self that acknowledges that the Law is good, and so the thing behaving in that way is not my own self but sin living in me. The fact is, I know of nothing good living in me - living that is, in my unspiritual self - for though the will to do what is good is in me, their performance is not, with the result instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want. When I act against my will, then, it is not my true self doing it, but sin which lives in me.
In fact, this seems to be the rule, that every single time I want to do good it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God's Law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles against the law which my reason dictates. This is what makes me a prisoner of that law of sin which lives in my body.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body doomed to death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
In short, it is I who with my reason serve the Law of God, and no less I who serve in my unspiritual self the law of sin.

... The unspiritual are interested only in what is unspiritual, but the spiritual are interested in spiritual things. It is death to limit oneself to what is unspiritual; life and peace can only come with concern for the spiritual.

You may think I've suddenly turned religious as this is a quite from the Bible. I have nothing against religion except the people that in my opinion are invested with powers that they misuse. I therefore don't like to use the word adopted by religions, God. Even the capital letter makes me shudder. And yet I am happy with a capitalised Universe. I am because it to me represents truth, love, bliss, wisdom and peace. It is gentle and unassuming, it just happens. There is a rhythm to it all. And right now I see nature reclaiming itself against the destruction that has become man. Stronger viruses and bacteria gradually taking back mother earth.
So this verse I discovered was inspired by listening to Prof FT when he referred to St Paul's letters to the Romans and despite the lack of science St Paul depicts his awareness of two systems within him. Prof FT was referring to this in his lecture (previous post). As Prof FT said thought there are many 2-level systems throughout the brain and he cited the spiritual system as one because this has been extensively researched and is probably the best known. To this point systems are being identified but none so clearly distinguished as 2 level systems as vision. So St Paul is identifying the inner self that has beliefs of one sort and yet this overriding system that behaves against those principles. It is an uncanny vision of something that is these days researched and explored.
Addiction is a good example of a system over riding all sense. It is compelling and powerful. What happens to that quiet inner spiritual self? Why is it so quiet and yet it is so good? What sense is that in this system we have Universe/god? I don;t believe it is a mistake. Nothing in this Universe is a mistake, it is how it is.
Making sense of these things  biologically actually does help me to understand. But my understanding of biological psychology is not to move away from spiritual understanding, it simply reaffirms the wonder of the spirit, the Universe and I am in awe. It is wonderful.

There is something that grates on me. I cannot be entirely open and honest with G. I have not told him of a period in my life when I was escorting. That term is a very polite way of saying high-class prostitution. In reality I was visiting or they were visiting me and I was paid to have sex with them. I also haven't told him about all my sexual playing out. It doesn't seem beneficial and yet I do not feel fully open and honest. I know things about myself he doesn't know. I am holding back. I cannot decide if it is actually is harmful to tell him or more harmful to keep this secret. People would say no but then people do not always know. I give it to you Universe to guide me.
I know he invites the whole truth and says he does not make judgement. I want to know about him and women but when I do know it influences my thoughts about him and his motives today. For example I am grateful for his truth about his sexual experiences and his fantasies with men and things. But it leaves me questioning. Is he actually gay? Is that what affects his sexual arousal when he is with me, because really he would like to be with a man? And so on.
So how this links with the passages above about spiritual people are interested in spiritual things, I believe that honesty is spiritual. And I am one for secrecy, exaggeration, and outright untruths (lies). I am working on being more honest. And I like the truth, no I love the truth. I hope for openness and truth from others. This secret I am keeping stands against that principle. But there is also step 9 which adds to the act of amends "except when to do so would injure others". It could be damaging to him? I think it would create emotions with him and distrust. I am gradually revealing more of me to him. I have revealed my fantasies of M/s and not entirely explained the acting out but at least explained the research that I did online.
The thing is G has an extraordinary memory and so as more of me gets revealed is aware of the holes en route to get to today. There is more to be revealed and I guess that's all I can say to him. I need to learn to trust I do not automatically trust. I need to see how and where I am with every day with him. I have seen him react in ways that are frightening to me. If he doesn't like something or someone he is prone to put his take on that and reveal it outside in the broader arena. So if I were to give hi information that he took umbrage to I am not entirely sure that we can work through it and therefor at risk of being exposed broadly. So what if I am? It would be my truth. However, discretion is mine too.
Universe guide me please. As I currently feel closer to G, thank you Universe, it leaves me unsure as always how to proceed. Friends do know my past and so there is always the risk that it could be revealed to him through other sources. Ex's do know too and a man scorned? Who knows?
Please show me how to be and follow the spiritual path. I am not doing those things now and I am pretty certain that whilst I continue to work in me I am changing ad more in line with my inner spirit and Universal spirituality. I do not claim that I am not tempted by unspiritual pursuits and evil. I was tempted just recently with LW. I am more and more aware of the force of flattery. I know this is deeply connected with a deep sense of worthlessness. This is not spiritual. It is this 2 system that Prof FT talks about. Somehow I have learnt that I am scum and hold that belief so strongly. I hold it so strongly that is has driven most of my life choices in adulthood. And those choices have been so destructive. Unlearning this message I wonder if it's actually possible. I see changes whereby I  do feel better about myself at times. They are glimpses of change. It can easily slip into grandiosity but mainly I stay beneath the parapet of equality and slip into the quagmire of inferiority. Hence a smile or an affirmation from an external source can totally turn my head and lead me away from the spiritual pursuit. It is a hard path to follow.It can seem like deprivation at times. But I know it is worth it.
Therefore in following a spiritual path I wonder if it is necessary to forsake relationships with men all together? I have asked this question of the Universe. I asked the question of G yesterday. It feels saddening to think this might be the case. Is a relationship actually a veil between me and the spiritual path in totality? Can there be both? Or is the relationship meant to be me and the spirit within me. As G says who is me? What is this thing called me?


Here is the text I sent to G. I suspect he will think I've gone crazy. Or rather will confirm that I am ...

A question for you. There is no I, no me. What is there? What do you understand by there being no I? I'm interested. I'm sure there is no answer but I just wondered what this means to you. I'm not yet anywhere close to have any comprehension - I see flesh enclosing a sense of me separating me from you and other things. Yet there is no existence without, a sense of me is helped along by who and what I am not. There are in groups and out groups resulting in prejudices and yet we all breathe air to even exist. Is it unspiritual to have a sense of I. Who is this I? I feel that I is multidimensional. But there is a shifting I depending on situations at the same there is a level of consistent me regardless - what is that bit? And then whether to truly be is it necessary to forsake all desires - sex? Is it possible to be you and me got example and still follow the spirit? Is that ONLY feeding a want? And I also question whether the core can truly change such as my utter belief that I am scum. I sometimes can feel a degree of equality as a being - but that then is "me" versus "them" - mostly I live in the quagmire of inferiority occasionally riding above the parapet but into grandiosity. It has changed that at times "I'm" simply "me" not better nor worse than. But then what if I'm not an I at all?

Anyone - if you have some thoughts on this I truly would be interested t know what you think.

Bliss
xx
 

Crumbs such as a Smile

With regard to the treatment centre job offer in Thailand, The timing isn't good for this kind if a move. I'm not unhappy where I am in anything just not terribly satisfied. More gratitude less wanting. Reading the big book this morning which I'm advised to read a couple if paragraphs chosen at random on a regular basis, I was reading about sex conduct - liked your link between accepting first smile from a man and similarly job. I did do that with G. Never think men will find me attractive so when one does I'm so shocked and flattered. Anyhow that's by the by. As I was reading it flirted through my mind how boring a person I'll be if I live by my principles. Used to think the same about drinking and drugging and even jobs and EVERYTHING - if I live as I believe then I WILL be boring. I worked hard at crossing my principles and the rules. I constantly have felt guilty and have been waiting to get caught. Funny thing is its me who caught me and I imploded. In fact drinking and drugging just relaxed my internal disciplinarian do that I could break my internal measure - and overcome my reservedness. It's not new information but sometimes it shines obvious and it's good to share it rather than just let these thoughts come and go. So the naughty, addictive, hedonistic me suddenly rose up. I thought "bloody hell, it will be boring not to toy with men from time to time." It's so insidious how this restless element to me manifests. I am glad of the awareness as in that moment I could also bring in the part if me that does want to be respectful, not give any cause to writes jealousy, suspicion or bitterness. I can live by the way I believe in and feel at ease with. There have even been times when I've forced encounters as a way of dealing with my own jealousy, suspicions and bitterness. Retaliation. And of course those feelings can be self induced, not based in any reality other than my own insecurity. I've made it all do complex and if course it became more and more complicated as the years went by. The escalation. Of course things are much simpler and less damaging when I started out. And then the line into compulsiveness was crossed at some point. I knew no other way at that point. But it's all fallen in and I'm very grateful I can be redirected. Not pure of thought but at least I'm making wiser choices. Just really wanted to externalise a moment of my thoughts. Thanks for reading this. All triggered by page 69-72. And not wanting to be driven by my self-centredness or what was a blinded desperate bid for survival in other words. Wanting to be guided by a more inner sense of decency - listen to my instincts more, and be mindful of others - gradually gradually waking up.

Bliss

Oh That's Crap! Unsettling.Revealing.

Well I've learnt even more about my father. From Auntie E and then I picked up the courage to call Auntie V.
Now she seemed to be asking several times what I wanted. I said that I want peace of mind. She said that if that's what I wanted then I need to let go. She suggested going to church. I said that also wanted to know things about my dad. I think she thought I might be phoning to ask for money. He had told her that I'd had 2 lots of £15,000 loans which I'd never paid back. What a liar! That's so infuriating but a relief to know that he told such bloody idiotic lies. He had said that I'd cost him a lot with my first marriage. That's probably true. As much as I hate to admit it. My mum and went for it. I think it could have been more costly. I mean I didn't have or want an evening bash. He knew as well that I didn't really want to get married but didn't have the courage to step away from it. I was too scared. Perhaps he could have helped me there. It was a sham of a wedding and a marriage. And I've done it a couple of time since. I know he had no respect for me in my attitude towards money and spending it. Yes I did have a couple of loans. But I did pay them back and they were no more than a couple of thousand each time. He did act as guarantor but again didn't have to pay anything. He did give me the deposit on the first house £2000 and that was lost when I ran away from the whole relationship, everything. I was foolish to do that. I should have stayed and fought but I didn't and didn't have the courage to ask for help to get what was rightly mine. Lukcy MP, he got the lot. I don't think my mum and dad did naything with regard the place in Guildford with AV.
Anyway Auntie V did confimr the name-swapping business of my fathers father. The family name was Boulger and they came from Southern Ireland. They cam from New Ross apparently. I'd like some time to go there. But with Boulger being such a popular name. .... I wonder if Auntie V would give me some more details when I go and visit her.
She sounded as is she were talking through a psychic voice. She said that T would spend what little money was left very quickly. She said that there would be something for me from the house. Well we'll see.
I'd love it if Auntie V after all these years of knocking her psychic skills was right. I think my mum might have been jealous of Anutnie V and Uncle F. My dad always held them in high esteem but my mum an dI were snobby about them. Look at them now. A very very rich family. But never forgetting where they came from. Unlike my mum. And I.
Good for them. I am very pleased for them. Truly I am. And they look after each other which is also a real beautiful thing. Unlike the snobbishness and distancing and self-gain. I have had that too. I really am very very happy for them making it good but jealous too. I wish I had their get up and go and humility to do what it takes to get there. I was  not interested in grubby looking things. Ha! More fool me. Last laugh and all that!!!
Anyway Auntie E was aware of affairs. She said that Auntie V had always known about affairs. I will ask her directly when I visit. I said I would visit in early May. I want to follow that through. I've arranged a date to get up to the Wirrall to see Auntie E and Uncle M.
They have always been mocked by my father. And I would never say that to them - please God. I was able to say to Auntie V how highly he regarded bith her and Uncle M. She knew that.
She gave me some snippets of information and understandably was cagey to begin with.

I am fucking furious with him for being a liar, a cheat, a cad, a womaniser, a complete fabrication. I am pleased that he found happiness in recent years according to Auntie V. I'm also glad that he wasn't completely happy according to Auntie E and also to N. They all think there was something not right. I wonder why Auntie V then says he loved T and was contented and also she finds T to be a nice lady. When so many others don't think she is. I feel for her with a difficult childhood as described by her cousin. I am pleased that she has no financial worries in her illness. One less thing to stress about. I am jelaous that she had good times with my father especially as I was so excluded. I am jealous that I didn't get any inheritance. I don't like being jealous and would really like this to be removed from me please God and let go. Help me to let go please.
Should I stand up for my rights? I suppose there's no harm in asking another solicitor. But if they also say no then I will let go of pursuing it. I am coming to terms with this being my lot. It is not necessary to have material wealth to be hapy.
It immediately made me more content with G. Before then I was agnonising over the fact that  he has nothing too.
So what. If we can be happy in our strange way together, then that's enough. I can adjust more easily than ever I imagined I would.
I feel a sense of loss of the freedom to travel. I'd truly like to find ways to get to the Far East and to India to meet with Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo. I'd like to see other cultures and worlds. Perhaps I'll just have to be content with the wonders I've been privileged to experience through my work before. I have chosen a different career and it's an amazing honour to work with people and their private lives.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I can learn and move on from this. It's been a lot of turmoil but doesn't have to stay turmoil.
HP help me to be happy for others good fortune and to be grateful for what I have.

In the meantime, my father was not someone I am proud to own the genes of. I am furious with him for being such a fuckwit! I am furious with him for cheating on my mum and for lying so much. There was no bloody need. I think I can see a way of dropping the resentment though. Not by thinking it through. Simply by ust acknowledging the anger and fury and letting go of the desire for it to be different. It is what is it. The past was what it was. I'm angry and that's that. But not longing right at this moment. I annot get reconciliation from anyone. The only person who could have shed light on what the reality actually was is dead, my father. And he was never capable of honesty when he was alive. I just need to accept that.
I amscared that I am a pathological liar too. Please God help me to be honest.
I will tell G, sponsor that G, boyfriend, and I are going to stay in the relationship. Both a little tentatively and accepting that it's quite a lively relationship.

I didn't know any other way. I wasn't given the tools for some reason. Some of it my make-up, some of it the lacking within my relationships and guidance. I became an addict and do not blame him/them for this. I need to take responsibility for my behaviours which I do. I was not pleasant and very irresponsible. I became out of control and was a worry for my parents. I really don't think there was any other way to go though. I didn't have the capability for life yet was thrust into it anyway. I had to get away from home. I was self-willed too. A bit of a handful. Very, very angry, understandably. And then I got into recovery. My father didn;t want to see any changes in me. And I've learnt was lying about me anyway. He had to make it worse that it was probably to ease his conscience in some way. I and my father probably have a lot of similarities. I was tuaght to be a liar. The truth was never ever enough.

So an interesting morning. And a lot of study avoidance. Okay - I have at least half an hour to get some done

Bliss
XX

Catterwalling

What a great word!

 Dr King's polite command after seriously compromising the baddies in the great Western Django Unchained. Tarantino truly is a master, time and again. He seems to have a knack for the tongue in cheek seriousness of extreme situations. His composition is gripping, the colours, the use of music, the characters and plot, the actors he selects. Yes he has something that is definitely working for me. I don't suppose everyone likes his style. I can't imagine for instance my father seeing what I see in it. I loved Samuel L's character. Did Tarantino appear? I wasn't that observant. I might have to have a re-run on the look out. Or I could Google-cheat.

Anyway I think I've had my fill of catterwalling for the time being. Yesterday I felt quite melancholy but at the same time enjoying the company of my very good friends A and M. It was an easy day. I could be how I felt and that included laughter, love and appreciation. Baby R is delightful and I asked for a cuddle. I am not great with babies so it was her privilege but really it was mine and a great honour that she sat with me wriggling and gurgling for a little while. That was enough. I am there and looking forward to being along this journey with A.

Through last week I was reaching a crescendo of my anger. It was inappropriate the way I told Auntie O and was kind of a wake up call. I'm not always in control when in anger and that's what scares me about anger I think. It's difficult to remain gracious and rational in anger. If I don't allow it though it turns inwards and I can become very low very quickly. This can result in a complete inertia. I want to stick with my commitments this weekend. All but the studying it seems. I am meeting up as arranged and even being flexible when others want to change or some time. I have been invited to many different social gatherings and that's so lovely. How lucky I am.

Friday was time with G which I loved. I think if we can date for a while and see how things develop there is hope for us. Yesterday A and M and then an evening at home, chilly but with Val Doonican and Django Unchained and FB. Bloody FB; I become addicted so quickly. Today I am lunching with A and G and R and C is joining them with her family. The gals and I are meeting for a walk with the doggies beforehand. I'm taking my food as usual.

I announced to G yesterday that I had a break between courses the other day. I am back at Day 1. I hope this doesn't mean I have to depart from the new AWOL. I am liking the UK phone number for cost reductions and also the fact its on a Thurs at 9pm. Although I have fallen asleep a fair bit. I need earlier nights and hope that will happen with G here less. We must avoid late night calls. He will have to be more responsible for his home unless this drives him to spend even more time with D. It will be his choice I suppose. It is so frustrating that his "illness" creates these choices in him. Frustrating is an understatement. And I guess others will see that in me too. I am guided to make decisions that are not entirely thought through and without historical sub conscious motives. He just doesn't want to take responsibility for certain things. And that means he chooses ways that are not conducive to us having a future together. And yet I love him I realise. Bloody hell. It is a dilemma.

Anyway tomorrow I have plans to meet L for lunch and then suggested to G I meet up with him on the way back home. He keeps mockingly saying "when I allowed back to your place". I have set the rule though. I want to talk to him about my needs. I need some space and time. I do not want smoking in my flat and I'd prefer if when we're together he didn't spend quite as much time on his gadget - the new phone! It's been tedious but he's learnt it I'll give him that. And now he's bored of it wanting the next model with better facilities. Gosh! He's such an addict ha ha ha. Says I addicted to technology in my own way too.

I started to talk about my mum but felt so tearful and yesterday I just didn't want to be outwardly tearful. I feel more contemplative. And that's okay.

I need to tell G this morning in our sponsor call that I'd like to date G. I don't want her telling me not to and will say that this is a choice. It is an up and down relationship and I do have misgivings about the way he is. But I also love him. And perhaps this is the only way I can discover. Perhaps this is the process itself. Can she go along with me on this? I am teetering on leaving FA again. It's just so unforgiving in so many ways. And yet I don't want to. If I have to leave the AWOL I will reconsider my position. But those that have left I hear how the food starts to take over again ad to be honest I really enjoy the freedom from food that I have. I just think there is no flexibility and sometimes there can be. But I suppose there is the fact that I did take things into my own control - self-will run riot again. And if there are no consequences perhaps I don't learn to prioritise. However, if I didn't know it seems like a harsh punishment to me. There is no give at all. Okay, I will take the "punishment" but not happily and with a deflated feel to go with it.

 

Oh my gosh! I need to go an get showered, prepare my meal and speak with G all by 10 and its 9:07. I'm so not in a hurry with anything. I have writing and creative things occurring in my thoughts and less doing. I haven't had my quiet time wither. I will do that at some time today. I really do value it.

And I did see Tarantino - without having to cheat. I just hadn't seen it all the way through. DOH!

 

 

 

Cast Jamie Foxx Kerry Washington Leonardo DiCaprio Walton Goggins Christoph Waltz Samuel L. Jackson Don Johnson

Directors Quentin Tarantino

Screenwriters Quentin Tarantino Bliss xx

LIES

Sometimes, what's really cool, Bliss, is giving profuse thanks for the good fortunes that befall others - no matter who they are - because, invariably, your joy for them will yield the same good fortunes for you.

Shoe-wee!
The Universe

Not easy to do but I'm prepared to practise this. However, I feel angry and I see how much of a block it is to being able to practise such spirituality. The thing is I do feel angry and I guess I need to let it out. I just don't know how to do that well. I have in the past raged and in my rage I can be so destructive. I don't want to be destructive anymore.
So how do I vent my anger. I'm sharing about.
I'm angry that my dad left everything to his wife. I'm angry that he wouldn't allow me to be close with him in anyway and was actually just rude. I'm angry that he has cut me out for the past 11 and a bit years. I am angry so won't even allow it to move towards 12 years.
I'm angry that he bothered to keep in contact and I'm also confused about this. I'm angry that he more than likely (but I don't know for certain) told T, his wife a whole host of untruths about everything including my mum and me too. How fucking dare he. I'm angry yet I don't know this for sure. And I'm angry about that too.
I'm angry as I'm discovering that all these years I've known him to be a liar but I've been too afraid to challenge that. I'm angry that my mum did nothing about it. As someone said denial perhaps and how strong denial can be. I'm angry that she might have been in denial as I've always thought her more together than that. Perhaps I was just hopeful. And I'm angry that she might have known more about the way my dad was towards me but did nothing at all about it. I'm fucking furious about that because it's taught me that it was actually the right way to be treated.
I'm angry that I'm so bloody well controlled by other people. I'm angry that within that I'm compliant yet rebellious and resentful inside. Or I desperately attempt to control and can't even see yet how that manifests in me. I know that I can be secretive, dishonest, manipulative and flounder attempting to justify. Just today I didn't say that I didn't mean to share specific details but to share how a person feels about situations. And this person can sense my avoidance. That's it avoiding owning the reality which some of it this morning was not knowing what the reality for me actually was. So flipping infuriating.
I'm angry that my dad abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. And I'm angry that at times I question whether that's even true. It was true for me! I'm angry that my dad was never made answerable for that. There is justice at a higher level. I need to trust that.
I'm angry that he disinherited me and discredited me and this I do know as he's openly belittled me for as long as I can remember. And in my anger I'm prepared to discredit him. I am bloody deliriously happy that other people know he was a liar. It's vindicating. So other people knew too. Someone asked me why I'm not angry with them for doing nothing all these years. I was angry. I didn't understand how people could stand by and not do a thing about it. But denial is easier. I am concerned that the little girl opposite me has been abused in some way by her father. He was odd and now isn't around thank goodness. I felt so uncomfortable with him. A would scream oddly at times and behave outrageously. He asked me to take her under my wing. Yuch! And yet did I do anything? NO. It's quite a frightening thing to do. But we as adults are these days told we are all responsible for the safeguarding of children. And there was nothing like this when I was younger. People turn a blind eye. What goes on behind closed doors is no one else's business. I'm not angry with those people anymore. What could they do with their own uncertainty?
I'm angry though. I'm bloody angry.
And then I'm angry with me. I'm afraid of people. I'm in the grips of power of it. Powerless over people, places and things. And yet I give people so much power. They have control over me and I am furious about it. It's not them. Well they have their part. If everyone was simply loving and giving - apart from boring - things would be easier. I am sick and tired of giving my power to people. I don't know how to alter this but I am seeing it more clearly.
On Wednesday I met with PW, a friend of my fathers from the HAC. I had always believed because my dad implied it, that they had served together in Korea. No. It turns out they met when my dad was in the HAC. My dad was a sergeant apparently with MT (motor transport). Basically I've discovered what I always thought, that my dad was an oik. He tried to be something else. He was a snob. My mum was but at least she admitted it. I am a snob too but a lot more covert. I want to be from wealth and graciousness. Why? It's crazy, because others seem to respect money and status and power.
PW told me an endless stream of his adventures in life. Surviving Cancer in his 50's, a scholarship to Brentwood. But at 14 years old he joined the army. He joined within education and so when in Korea he was a correspondent. My dad implied that PW didn't see the raw end. But he landed in the Battle of the Hook. And having read about that briefly as with all wars, it was devastated with casualties.
PW and JH are uncertain about my dad's honesty. They are questioning the medals my dad has actually worn. PW said that they think he wore medals he wasn't entitled to wear. PW wanted my permission to explore this further. As we talked and talked, he said we really clicked. I told him that my dad sexually abused me. He was sad for me but was neither shocked nor surprised and said this. He told me that my dad was the randiest man he had ever met. I feel it in my female areas as I write it. It disgusts me to know it yet is also a relief. People are not disbelieving m. I told my second cousin LW last Friday. She was sad for me having asked why I thought the relationship between my dad and I was so awful. hey apparently had wondered as a family for some time why it was like it was. I told her. The sexual abuse of course gets the reaction but really it was the emotional ad mental abuse that;s just if not more destructive. I thought I was the problem for as along as I can remember. That has had a devastating impact on my life. Yes I am sorry for the behaviours that I brought to my parents' door. But frankly there are situations from childhood that have contributed to my inability to fully function effectively. I have had little or no self esteem. I do recall in my 20's thinking I was indestructible yet feeling so worthless. I was unworthy of a relationship I would have liked instead accepting crumbs. Always! Still do.
I am so angry about this. But how do I release this anger? It feels like an energy that is bursting out of me. Yet I don't know how to let it out. Sometimes it simply phut phut's out. Other times it roars out of me. Addictive behaviours have been ways of expelling anger. Dramatic reactions another. And some addictive behaviours I think are closely associated with things that happened in the past. FUCKING HELL!
So now do I contest the will? I think I need to. It's about the money but it's also about the principle of it all. He completely denied the past. I suspect he had to to cover his lies in the past years with T. But it is pure speculation on my part. And infuriating that I can't get the truth out there. Having it publicised in court is quite a cathartic idea. I've feigned difficulty with the idea. I believed it at the time but actually the difficulty is the entire situation, even my discomfort with it being about the money to any extent at all. I feel guilty and thieving; my dad's thoughts about me. He always said I would steal the bricks of the house if I could. He thought I was a taker. I probably am but it's not all I am. I'm very caring and giving. I like people and I care about people. I am a trier even if I don;t attain the top. I achieve as best as I can and that's good enough. My dad didn't have any self respect so he was never ever going to have any respect in mediocre me. He was less than mediocre as a man so had to fabricate his status as a hero. I wanted him to be the hero he said he was. He instilled in me the belief that high achievers and high status was the only thing worthwhile. And of course money and medals and things like that were the evidence. Poor him, never ever feeling good enough and more than likely right to his bitter end. And I was a disappointment to him.
He called me and said I love you and wish you the best for the  future. Did he really? Was anything he said or did believable. There must have been some truth in there somewhere.
And then G arrives here in his grumpy mood and snaps at me when I speak about how I'm feeling and thinking as meaning  nothing. Fuck off then. Take your constant grumpy mood away. I'm tired of people. Tired of being bloody well scared and controlled. I am not happy with this situation. And whilst I try to be acceptant there are beginning to more things that are dissatisfactory than not. A magnificent man, nice, intelligent, interesting, quick witted, amusing, passionate about birds and flowers and such like and some people. But there are behaviours and attitudes too that are completely horrible. I am tired of it. I need space and a break. How do I do this? Well however he reacts is up to him. He dog sits soon. But I want space and time before then. Maybe that;s all it is, me wanting some space and time. I am tired of being criticised based on his issues. I'm tired of being accused for things I do not do. I'm tired of being controlled i.e. not being able to have my friends arrive when I want or go out when I want. Is that selfish? Perhaps it is but it's how it is for me. And I'm tired of his mess. He's done some lovely things.
He owes me money and it's funny that as he might get some money he is getting grumpier and probably working towards an exit left. Apparently the left hand side of the stage is bad luck or something. However, I can't find anything on a first look on the Internet. Anyway I am using it in that context, meaning linked with nastiness or resentment and all words that could be associated with this.
So if people don't like me then simply fuck off. What's the point of badness hanging around. There are plenty of people with whom there is no badness overall. Perhaps if I was living with them in my life to the same scare the badness would always become more significant for me. I am demanding and want to simply be more accepting. I think transience can make acceptance easier. Perhaps?

So how am I going to practise giving profuse thanks for T's inheritance from my dad?Especially when I feel so angry. It's almost as if by giving profuse thanks I let go of it completely. And yet the idea is that being profusely thankful I receive in heaps and bounds. It would be releasing. Please God help me to be profusely thankful for T's windfall. Please can I have a windfall as well somehow?
What would I do with it? Well my dad's message would be that I will fritter it away on some fucking idiot. So what if I did? Is that so wrong? It was in his bigoted opinion. PW agreed with me when I called him a bigot. And PW married a Chinese lady. How international PW seemed. But I saw him get quite angry and pompous with a lady behind the bar when he couldn't get the life. His ego rose sharply to the surface. He also spent nigh on 5 hours talking about himself. Interesting. Yet there were moments of humble acts he talked about. If he was truly humble I don; think he would tell me about his decision to leave money anonymously to Brentwood. And I was aware how important money and status was for him too. He talked about it all the way through. He has a remarkably charmed life though and that was fascinating. I am profusely thankful for him although a little envious too. I'd like to have some of what he has. And I was horrified that as I sat there talking about how painful it has been to be disinherited by my father, he talked about disinheriting his own children. He talked about his daughter in a derogatory manner. I think he might have been more thoughtful about that but he wasn't to know how dreadful I feel as a result of my dad's constant castigation of me. It rubs off and I believe it.
I would like for this to lift. And so with a relapse on my food on Wednesday I am returning to Step One with a look at the ways in which I give power to people. I was so afraid to ask for the food I needed to remain abstinent and as a result I ate bread! I couldn't ask for veg and salad. How alarming it is to realise that I would not organise my food in fear of showing my ignorance and not asking for what I wanted. I was able to say that I didn't want the whisky and water PW had bought me in error after I asked for a sparkling water. But I wasn't able to ask for the food I needed.
So a relapse. I'm off the AWOL and that's not such a bad thing as I have now joined one on a Thursday evening at 9pm. It's quite late but there are benefits - a UK mobile number, a gentle co-leader who I like how she seems. I will have my whole Sunday for study and relaxation without guilt of being o the AWOL or having not to be on the AWOL. Plus I will not have to listen to B and take inventory of her controlling manner. Back to Step One and an opportunity to look at this powerlessness of people. And the unmanageability when I comply and be open to look at the controlling as well.
Today I was affected having yesterday raised an issue in connection with safeguarding children. I hadn't raised the alarm myself from a 1:1 but my error was not being specific on advising the client to talk about her feelings and the impact on her of a alcoholic in her life. As a result PD wanted to raise the confidentiality issue when concerned about children. I felt bad about not having thought to raise the issue, so criticised without being criticised actually. So I react with the client and she has reacted badly to that. Consequently PD is annoyed that she might leave. The consultant is annoyed that I frightened her. But worse than all of that she is disappointed, angry and has had her trust in me broken. I feel sad and have let her down. I don't like that. Partly because I want to be a party to a persons well-being, not create more pain. But also because I want to be liked and get things right. That's the bit I want to drop as it creates all sorts of unnecessary behaviours and attitude. Please God help me, show me what I need to do and how I need to be. It's a bit of a shove for the ego too as I was beginning to believe in my own hype as a good therapist, even better than therapist! And clearly I'm not. I'm human like all the rest.
I know I do my best. I'm currently hurting slightly. It will pass and I don't want to hang onto it for too long. It can be washing over me so entirely that I think I am a terrible therapist and person. I take it to extremes. So it would be good to keep this in balance.
Another thing I've done is let the clients go early. There was little left to do. We had questions and answers, we had a check out and a farewell and that was it. I'm now worried that there will repercussions. I stayed until 5 myself but hey ho! I will own it with PD and see what happens.
I mess up a lot really. I am a bit all over the place right now. It's not okay but it's not intentional either.
I would like some time out but it's not possible.
So I'm not going to Oxford Brookes for a day with the OU tomorrow when I thought I was. Instead I'll go to London on 27th April. I will miss any snow that might have dropped on Oxford tomorrow, save petrol and give myself some catch up study time. I have 3 days to really pour some work in. Sod moody G.

I think that's all I have to write at this moment

Angrily yet somewhat centred and calm surprisingly,
Bliss
XX












 

G-Day Thexts and hospital influences

 I always live as if I've never fully moved in and ready to leave. It's not homely at all.

I started my new job. So nice to BE in a humane environment again. Mainly I'm researching potential client bases but had my first client yesterday.

It's good not to be too mind stretched as my dad is very unwell. He maintains the distance between us do I'm trying to push the hospital whilst respecting his wishes. It hurts but I can deal with that although at times the pain in my heart feels crippling. It only can be if I let it

I've had longings for closeness with G but know its merely emotions. I'd already discovered the way he is is not compatible with the way I am. It's just a wanting to be wanted above anyone else to make me feel worthwhile. I know I'm okay and enough on an intellectual level but I don't believe it in my heart and soul. My dads rejection yet again has re emphasised that mistaken core belief. So I'm not surprised I've had longings for G. We are able to be friendly though. I'm pleased as he truly is an extraordinary person in many ways. And I'd like to be able to tap into that side of him - he is so interesting .

My emotions have been all over the place - rage, fear, irritation, fury, jealousy, remorse, sadness, blaming, confusion, disappointment, despair. I keep finding gratitude though and holding into my trust in something bigger than us all - the universe and the energy of that. I am praying for my dad and through gritted teeth for his wife too. I don't know what's best for either of them so just pray for them. Thank goodness I have 12 step fellowship. Food thoughts have been strong but I can call and talk. I know I'm an addict and a part of that is wanting to escape my emotions especially the uncomfortable feelings. So here I am facing it all using support and my sense of a bigger picture that I'm not in control of. I'm

learning so much about myself and that's fascinating amidst all of the difficulty. Again thank goodness for my recovery. I get strength just thinking of that.

So today I'm going to the hospital. I know my dad won't see me but I want to see the nurses and find out what they are doing and what the plan is. I have been advised to do this so that they know there is someone involved. Otherwise apparently they send people "on the path to Liverpool" in other words let them die. I don't know if I heard that correctly but the meaning is accurate. I'm going tink

to look it up. Later on I'm meeting G - I'm hoping to get my key back and also just be friendly. I dont think either of us want more than that. But there is a part of me who wants him to want me do desperately he'll change. I know that won't work and isn't possible so I'll need to be cautious not to fall for any warmth. It's not enough for me with this man. I have to keep reminding myself of all that wasn't working but to do that there is still emotional pain. Hence people say have some distance at the end of a relationship ie some time. Otherwise my pain can easily arouse frustration and then anger and I've already got plenty if that. Oh blimey I took a quick peek on SL. The temptation to escape you see is enormous. I feel immense pressure with all of this especially when the future creeps in and projecting that I'm going to have to battle with his wife to be involved with any arrangements should my dad die. I need to know his wishes but he won't tell me. Once he's dead who cares really. But then my greediness kicks in and wanting my inheritance. I hate myself for even thinking about it let alone the fighting I'm considering. I just have to hand it over and trust. I'm showing up attempting to respect my dads wishes but at the same time get him cared for. That's all I can do I think.
Blimey that's a lot of texting. Some of it really is good to hear in my head and get it out. Thank you for being there. Have a wonderful Saturday. Byeeeee for now cx


Since then G and I are sort of back together. It's all unclear as to how and what it is. But then does everything have to be clear and certain for me?
And I received a call last evening from T my dad's wife. I'm not really clear exactly what she said but suffice that the end of his life seems to be approaching. She has suggestd I go and visit him today. I will go after lunch. He may be distressed by my visit and ask me to leave again. T apparently was unaware he had stoped me visiting. I wonder what the hell he has told people??? He tells me she's the one who doesn't like me and is jealous of me. Part of me wants to announce this to her.
Anyway she cried. She said it's too son. And she just wants him home. I feel for her but also sickened to here this. She is not my mum and they were flirting with each other not long after my mum died. How could she? How could he? Mostly - typical of him. I am angry with him for this and may be completely unjustified. What the hell does it matter. I can forgive him too. I suppose I want to be with someone yet I know I can be without.
With G? Well who knows what it is. There is something not connected about it. There is a grump he had yesterday when he was so far from me. It's still there today and yet he's trying to be supportive. I am glad he offered to come with me but with the distance ....? I don't know. I am just wondering what it's all about really??
What is the point of all of this. Strife and self gain. Wanting this and needing that. It also feels odd because my sense of purpose has been a lifetime, 52 years of trying to get my dad to love ME. Not an image of me but me the person just as I am. I wantes him to see ME and accept ME. But no! 

Slurry slurry sleep

Well good day.
What a week!
Yesterday I attended the FA meeting in Abcurch Street. St Mary's Church actually. A beautiful church apparently designed by Sir Christopher Wren if I remember correctly. I met with H who has been visiting from Melbourne Australia. She was here for her Step 5. We share the same sponsor.
after the meeting and lunch with everyone we went off to the National together, H and I. She chose the impressionists. It was good actually to visit again and take even more in. Nothing is done I realise. H studied art history for her degree. How lucky she was. I want to study art history at some point. She was saying that the impressionists were not friendly with each other. How sad.



Pisarro - Boulevard Montmartre at Midnight.

The Van Gogh paintings were stupendous brought to life through another persons eyes. I wish I was an origicnal viewer but I am appreciating the enlightenment through someone else's experiences. She stopped and looked deeply at the paintings. The sunflowers were striking. The thickness of the paint making them seem all the more real and dense with aliveness. I wanted to touch them. And the Wheatfield - well it was sawaying and the sky swirling. I bought a copy but it's so flat. No screen or copy can actually reporoduce what I saw and felt in the presence of the real thing.

Van Gogh - Wheatfield with Cypresses.

There were so many I truly loved. It was better seeing just this one section although over several rooms. It was easier to digest more. I think A and I did too much but am glad to have been able to go back. I should just keep going to the National. G said he'd quite like to go as well.

The evening with G was tumultuous for me. It seems that when I express my thoughts and machinations I communicate it in such a way that it feels accusational to G. I want to be aware of his sensitivity. I want to talk too much maybe, share my insecurities too much? Who knows. My first insecurity rush was when he was talking about his visit with Mrs E. I realise he is very attached. It seemed more so than ever having had a pleasant visit with her. Probably that feeling was lingering when after sex I noticed a change in him. He wasn't looking at me in the same way. I felt scared and expressed my fear as best as I knew how. It seems he was feeling the villain. This was a sensitive time as with his issues with sex and mine too there was always room for danger. I have such strong feelings for him now. Yes already. I feel love and terror of his withdrawal from me now as I will hurt incredibly. It is possible of course. The risk I take. And of course all too soon I am sure some FA'ers will say. The difficulties are evidence of that perhaps. But I wonder if it's possibly the best thing that could happen to me and it's too difficult to let that pass me by. All his eagerness though cannot be sustained on the passion alone. He will not want to work because of him and yesterday or Friday I can't remember which he was wanting to because he was feeling eager. He wants to tell Mrs E the truth. He says whatever happens between him and I he will tell her. I was worried that this was also in the newness and eagerness. But as that enthusiasm wanes will he still want to. I have such negative thinking. It's very hard to separate the truth from the then made up truth in my had. My thinking is loaded with negative expectations. And I see clearly where the drive is from. My flipping childhood and ensuing experiences. It is my belief from experiences that men have their satisfaction and then withdraw. When they are wanting then they promise the earth and mean it. Later they withdraw all of that but in the meantime I am hopeful and adoring and waiting for their promises to be met.
I think I distort everything too. Maybe not everything but some things.
We are two very fragile children meeting in a grown up world.
It ended last evening with G unable to say whether he was staying or not. He wasn't able to reassure me and I wanted reassurance that he loved me and wasn't leaving me and also I wanted holding. Later we cuddled and then had sex again. He believes that the negative spell has been broken. I wanted to take that slowly in case he puts pressure on himself again.
Gosh it was up and down. It feels really tentative. I am not sure if I can take the ups and downs but also don't want it to finish. Part of me thinks he should sort out his situation with Mrs E, tell her and see if it's truly worth it. I don't want to be the other woman in any shape or form. I want to be his number one woman. I think he said I am. The point is there is a part of him that is emotionally engaged there. He didn't tell her yesterday and there is no time limit when he will. I wonder if he ever will. I am not sure how long I want to wait. I will go along with this for now. As for the issues I have with sex and love, well I don't know if he wants to deal with that with his own issues with sex and love. He said I need a rock. He is not it. I just needed his help in that moment. He was unable to offer it straight away and then I wonder if what was offered later on was real. The doubts and the negative thinking. And all probably being fuelled by our extreme tiredness. We are crazy kids staying up until the early hours of the morning. This morning it was about 5 am.
I still have not completed my assignment. And I'm back to work tomorrow. I do not want to return to work. It's just her and I as S is away herself now. I hear the noise pollution just thinking of the office. The great news I am off again in the middle of November - for a exam! And then hopefully I finish on 18th December. I start my new job with P on the 1st January. I am very much looking forward to that.
With G for me when its good its great! When its difficult I am in turmoil. If I were to say that I feel it's so fragile right now he might be on the run. I need guidance and don't have that fully at the moment  because I am not speaking with any FA'ers about it.
I need support. At least I told H and it was very interesting when she asked me how I am experiencing Step 3 in this. I think it's on many levels. But what I see clearly si the dishonesty. I am not being honest and handing it over. By that I mean I am not being honest with my sponsor for fear that she will not wish to work with me. I value her input on my recovery and would like her to support this journey I want to embark upon. I would be tentative in being honest with her all the way down the line for fear of her thinking "I told you so" or along those lines with every difficulty. But I so think this is my experience of not trusting in God. God please help me to be entirely honest with her. I need her to know everything.
I can start by calling her and asking if she would be prepared to continue sponsoring me if I were to enter in this relationship with G. Eyes wide open wth lots of issues between us but feeling worthe the effort to explore. What if it's the best thing that could ever happen to me? I know there is the alternative of waiting and seeing in October next year. And if he really does love me then he would be prepared to wait. It's already gone beyond that now though. I have invited him in and she needs to know that. It's wither right in now or right out I guess. It's moving fast. I think he feels trapped a little.
That's what I feel about the real world suddenly being involved. We have had a week of Disneyland really. I have done nothing but focus on him and vice versa.
Anyway Step Three - I am not handing over to God that alternative option. To wait. If I take the commitment and hand it over to God then I don't get what I think I want right now. God is this the right path to follow. Please show me. Was yesterday a taster of how things can go badly between us. Are you showing me just how ready I am not? God please show me clearly and this may mean the hurt stepping in I guess as G steps out maybe. Gosh I so don't want that.
Are you showing me things that I am choosing to ignore, such as the trip to Haslemere when he became anxious and angry and looked unattractive in his feelings. Then showing me the handsome free version too. And then the fragility and withdrawal - are you showing me something about him or me that should not continue but will? And the situation with Mrs E. This is you showing me something too? Please God help me see through my selfish wants, my self-will.
On the otherhand it's not wrong. I seem to choose the rocky paths. I learn from them I suppose each time but maybe not the greater picture? Is there more to learn by not entering into this? I suppose there's more room to focus on just me instead of me in a relationship. He's prepared to go to Relate sometimes. I am prepared to go too. It would be helpful to have someone hear the individual negativity. I am not very good at making myself clear as I become accusational in my defensiveness. My Fear is enormous. My lack of trust is enormous. God help me to believe and trust.
So I am in Step Three but my experinece is the difficulty of truly handing everything over. I get confused with thinking that means doing it someone else's way. That is another humans ideas. I can see the point of handing the food over to the FA way. But as I think about it is only an idea which so far is working for me. My weight is stabilising and I feel better about my body than I have ever felt. I know it will still be the same tomorrow so long as I stick with the food plan given to me by my sponsor. Now why do I trust that as gospel and not the commitment to no relationships until my AWOL has finished? I heard that said in the tape I was listening to. She did take on the suggestion not to make the change she wanted to make with her relationship.  So did K. I haven't. It's a sign I suppose just how compelling this relationship desire is for me. Meet a man I like and I want him. Bugger the commitment I made. Is this addiction? And how to find out what is addiction and not in the same way with the food. Approaching this in a balanced measured way. Food is necessary a relationship isn;t for survival. G saw that last evening. He mentioned the withdrawal of alcohol but the difficulty with food. He was touching on that relationship addiction thing. Where is the intimacy when there's addiction at play? Is it addiction or is it real? My feelings appear real to me. I want to beliee everything he says is truth and real.
Phew it's complex. I am in a whir. I am scared he's going. I am scared it's purely addiction and lust in me or in him. God is this a sign to follow the rocky or apth or leave it now. You are giving me choices. The step three then comes back to handing it all over to You and that means honesty with my sponsor and other FA'ers.
God guide me please. Thank you.
Bliss
XX

ps - amidst all of this would you believe it CY sends me a text with Steve Harley lyrics -
"Don't you know, life gets tedious enough
Without this extra grudge to bare"

Now I was aware it was lyrics and found the song. But I wondered why out of the blue and when entering into another relationship this should happen. I was tempted to reply but haven't. I wanted him to know I found the lyrics but in such a way he thought I was a musical genius to know. I would ahte it if G was responding to something so potentially tempting and loaded witha  torrid past however fast and furious it was.  Uh uh. I do not want that at all.
I value G and I see his vulnerability and love that in him as much as it can also trigger difficulties for me. I am afraid thought that it is his vulnerability that has made ne feel safe and when not vulnerable I feel scared to death. Scared he is going with his confidence in tact. What about me me me?



The entire song ...
Mr. Soft, turn around and force the world

To watch the things you're going through

Mr. Soft, believe everything they tell you

And be dammed if they'll thank you

You paint everything so cruel,

Coming on like Mr. Cool;

Paint your face and shut the gate,

No one's coming home till late

Don't you know, life gets tedious enough

Without this extra grudge to bare

You, so slow, shift your ideas, make your mind up

In a jiffy, let' s be fair

We'll be taking off tonight,

Turn off your eyes and shut the light,

You're the most, you're so unreal,

We'd all be dead without your spiel!

Mr. Soft, go to town and bring the dawn in,

In the morning on your way

Mr. Soft, put your feet upon the water

And play Jesus for the day

You begin to hear them mumble,

Spot the Starman, rough-and-tumble,

Fight the good fight, sling your axe,

Watch the speaker lead the packs