To whom do I owe amends? Wow that's a big question and now I am sitting here trying to create my list I can only think of a few people. I seem to think I need to have a long list. In fact some people I have already made amends to.
A big amends to myself. Never speaking my truth.
I am not abstinent with my food. I keep eating snacks now. I need to get honest with someone. I will get honest with A and S this evening during our work group.
I will send a text to V saying what has been happening. I would be really really surprised if some of tehse people are entirely honmest and are always abstinent but that's because I am not. It seems impossible. I know people think that about alcohol and drugs too.
Thing is I haven't had a drink or drug for nearly 8 years. Bloody hell. Who would have imagined. And I stil get embarrassed about being a bell - ringer. Blinmey talking of which I have realised that a lady who I thought was an old lady was actually in my year at school - at the same school! Blimey. Either she's aged fast or I'm doing remarkably well. Still another blimey! How did I find out. Well with this blinking reunion thing being organised there was a suggestion to send messages to a number of people on teh FRU site and then I got side-tracked looking at who was in contact with whom. V's porfile page mentioned bell-ringing and I also thought the photo looked familiar suddenly putting the two together. Duck-me! That's all I can say.
I left a message putting aside judgements and 'ism's. I am an ageist. I am not proud of this fact but I am and so I am working to put this aside. I would like to be more open and accepting of people. Mind you there are people who I don;t think are very nice people and so I can be friendly towards them but I don't have to spend lots of time with them.
This week at work - well the first day was fine. Confident and at home very quickly. Then I started doubting my abilities. Wanting to be able to see the connections like I and P. I have been comparing myself and not measuring up at all. I am very concerned about P leaving as I do feel a security there. I have been two-faced about A. She is a lovely lady but P and I are very damning of her but haven't been outspoken with her. Therefore I wouldn't trust anything they say really. So when they say I am good and dab etc it doesn;t really mean very much. A has said to F the Clinical Manager that I am good and that aslo doesn't mean much as I think she is very codeeeeee - join the f-ing club. Although I was very pleased with myself for saying how I was hoping to leave one of the clients with a feeling but A came in a changed that immediately. I don't think she had noticed what I had done as she was so intent on getting to the feelings. Actually that client has shifted so much it's amazing. Hope she stayed with it over the weekend.
I flaffed the 1-1 with the client I am keyworking. I have asked to sit in a 1-1 with P. I am just feeling I know nothing at all.
I feel under prssure at work and under pressure with my essay although very relieved to have today got the discussion element done. The easiest 600 words which worries me as I then think that I have not done it right at all. I still have about 1000 words to write and will do those tomorrow - then I need to print it all out. I haven't got a printer though! Ha. Should have used the OU money to buy one. Oh well. I might ask John what he thinks would be a good buy.
So I have been eating and I know it's feelings of pressure. I haven't been able to get byond these feelings - inadequacy is a big one I think for me. I am afraid. I don't like not being more than capable. I am not sure how to deal with this. I need not to eat and keep calling out.
E is all recoveried up and not hearing just saying stop thinking and so on. That's OK but ...... she has a point of course I do understand that but I do have a lot of thoughts going around and around and lots of feelings as a result. I thnk stopping thinking is a point to work towards first I need to process the thoughts and the feelings. There is a place for stopping it all and giving myself breaks I certainly agree.
Anyway A and S will be here soon so I am going to have my dinner now. They then can cook there's and we can get on with the Step work.
I would like to ask their help in how to behave and what to say to S if he should arrive at the hospital for an ex-client group. P says he wants to continue doing it and of course I have no prooblem with that. However I do have a problem with remaining composed and not getting all afraid and nervous. I think I will stutter and splutter. That happens when I feel inadeqaute and incompetent. I have tried to imagine how he will be. I think he probably won;t come into the office but who knows. He may wnat to put ownership on the P. After all it's the P he got sober in. That was a bit of a jab at him and his recovery taking inventory of where he's at!
Not my job or my perogative to do that as here I am eating snacks out of meal time. And a lot of them today.
I will have my evening meal - stir fry veg, cheese, pitta bread and yoghurt with fruit for pudding. That's it that's it that's it even when A and S have gone home. Please Higher Power help me to get my abstinence back please pleasr please. I want it. I don't have any clarity at all without it. I think I havebeen on a hormaonl carb drive this week too.
Not to mention all the emotions. Emotions I fnd troublesome to get through. Need to be sharing more and not about the clients about me
A big amends to myself. Never speaking my truth.
I am not abstinent with my food. I keep eating snacks now. I need to get honest with someone. I will get honest with A and S this evening during our work group.
I will send a text to V saying what has been happening. I would be really really surprised if some of tehse people are entirely honmest and are always abstinent but that's because I am not. It seems impossible. I know people think that about alcohol and drugs too.
Thing is I haven't had a drink or drug for nearly 8 years. Bloody hell. Who would have imagined. And I stil get embarrassed about being a bell - ringer. Blinmey talking of which I have realised that a lady who I thought was an old lady was actually in my year at school - at the same school! Blimey. Either she's aged fast or I'm doing remarkably well. Still another blimey! How did I find out. Well with this blinking reunion thing being organised there was a suggestion to send messages to a number of people on teh FRU site and then I got side-tracked looking at who was in contact with whom. V's porfile page mentioned bell-ringing and I also thought the photo looked familiar suddenly putting the two together. Duck-me! That's all I can say.
I left a message putting aside judgements and 'ism's. I am an ageist. I am not proud of this fact but I am and so I am working to put this aside. I would like to be more open and accepting of people. Mind you there are people who I don;t think are very nice people and so I can be friendly towards them but I don't have to spend lots of time with them.
This week at work - well the first day was fine. Confident and at home very quickly. Then I started doubting my abilities. Wanting to be able to see the connections like I and P. I have been comparing myself and not measuring up at all. I am very concerned about P leaving as I do feel a security there. I have been two-faced about A. She is a lovely lady but P and I are very damning of her but haven't been outspoken with her. Therefore I wouldn't trust anything they say really. So when they say I am good and dab etc it doesn;t really mean very much. A has said to F the Clinical Manager that I am good and that aslo doesn't mean much as I think she is very codeeeeee - join the f-ing club. Although I was very pleased with myself for saying how I was hoping to leave one of the clients with a feeling but A came in a changed that immediately. I don't think she had noticed what I had done as she was so intent on getting to the feelings. Actually that client has shifted so much it's amazing. Hope she stayed with it over the weekend.
I flaffed the 1-1 with the client I am keyworking. I have asked to sit in a 1-1 with P. I am just feeling I know nothing at all.
I feel under prssure at work and under pressure with my essay although very relieved to have today got the discussion element done. The easiest 600 words which worries me as I then think that I have not done it right at all. I still have about 1000 words to write and will do those tomorrow - then I need to print it all out. I haven't got a printer though! Ha. Should have used the OU money to buy one. Oh well. I might ask John what he thinks would be a good buy.
So I have been eating and I know it's feelings of pressure. I haven't been able to get byond these feelings - inadequacy is a big one I think for me. I am afraid. I don't like not being more than capable. I am not sure how to deal with this. I need not to eat and keep calling out.
E is all recoveried up and not hearing just saying stop thinking and so on. That's OK but ...... she has a point of course I do understand that but I do have a lot of thoughts going around and around and lots of feelings as a result. I thnk stopping thinking is a point to work towards first I need to process the thoughts and the feelings. There is a place for stopping it all and giving myself breaks I certainly agree.
Anyway A and S will be here soon so I am going to have my dinner now. They then can cook there's and we can get on with the Step work.
I would like to ask their help in how to behave and what to say to S if he should arrive at the hospital for an ex-client group. P says he wants to continue doing it and of course I have no prooblem with that. However I do have a problem with remaining composed and not getting all afraid and nervous. I think I will stutter and splutter. That happens when I feel inadeqaute and incompetent. I have tried to imagine how he will be. I think he probably won;t come into the office but who knows. He may wnat to put ownership on the P. After all it's the P he got sober in. That was a bit of a jab at him and his recovery taking inventory of where he's at!
Not my job or my perogative to do that as here I am eating snacks out of meal time. And a lot of them today.
I will have my evening meal - stir fry veg, cheese, pitta bread and yoghurt with fruit for pudding. That's it that's it that's it even when A and S have gone home. Please Higher Power help me to get my abstinence back please pleasr please. I want it. I don't have any clarity at all without it. I think I havebeen on a hormaonl carb drive this week too.
Not to mention all the emotions. Emotions I fnd troublesome to get through. Need to be sharing more and not about the clients about me
