Ambivalence to Addiction by Prof FT

Higher Order Systems versus Lower Order Systems.
Can we train our HIGHER ORDER SYSTEM?
The higher order might need to energise the lower order too.

Imagine the woman who is married to a drunkard. She is forced to have sex with him. She has a higher level intention that overrides the disgist of the lower level.
The wanting goes up and the liking remains much the same.
Sometimes it works the other way around. A happily married couple never get around to sex but enjoy if they ever get around to it. They no longer wat each other but like each other.


Id of Freud is wild and constrained by the super ego. And Skinner discuessed basic reinforcement issues.

Ambivalence

"I had prayed to you for chastity and said "Give me chastity and continence but not yet." For I was afraid that you would answer my prayer at once and cure me too soon of the disease of lust which I wanted satisfied, not quelled."
St Augustine, Confessions Book VIII. 7

Conflict between wanting to stop and be different but then not in a way that others might suggest. I wanted change but on my terms.

Some people talk about acting on instinct and this might suggest that the lower system or the older system within the brain is in charge. So when does it occur that reason and logic, the more evolved part of the brain can override the wild side, the side that wants to be satisified in terms of St Augutus?
What was the point for eample when I'd had enough even though I didn't know what it was that I had had enough of or what I needed to do? When was it that I gave in to AA for instance and let this programme support or develope the supposed missing evolved side of me?

An instincutal murder as opposed to a serial killer which is premeditated urder such as Ted Bundy. Vincent Tabak however, was this premeditated or unplanned as suggested by Prof FT. He murdered a girl in Bristol. He watched violent pronography it was discovered. He saw a smile as a come on sign and followed that up somehow. In her presence perhaps he was replaying the fantasies that seemed to take over. This seems to be the conclusion the police made. Bandura certainly produed evidence that would suggest that behaviours can be learnt or indeed inspired through mimicing others and in fact the censoring of TV programmes for children was based on this evidence. I think this was in the 70's it really started. There is a separate argument perhaps for the removal of choice perhaps weakening the self-censorship that might come through experience. There will be the percentage of people I am supposing that will never develop a self-censorship and perhaps that links in with addiction. Again I am not sure at what point I knew that I couldn't go onin the way I was going. It was destructive and I was so very unhappy. Despite desperately seekig the feel good factor I was simply getting to under normal which was better at least than despair. But it wasn't enough.

MOTIVATION theory

Biopsychosocial -
lures bring us on like magnets to certain behaviours. The fundamental drives being hunger, thirst, lust. Satisfied with food, drink and sex.
Incentives pull on our behaviour. And this seems to be general across all motivations.

The combination of the physical stimulus and the cognitive representation, for example imagination, that can stimulate behaviours or in other words underlie motivation.

I can so identify this with sex addiction. Just yesterday talking about the fantasy of M/s with G was stimulatig. I did not have to have any physical stimulation to feel desire purely based on memories and imagination. I was aroused and wanted G to play along. However, there is another side that is developing withi me. Instead of being animalisitic, instinctive or level 1 of the system, I also recognise how that draw, that lure can be dangerous. I can see how it removes from the two people just as they are. The role play can become the relationship and something is lost. It becomes all about sex. I could feel it happenig in a sense and then where would G and I be in that situation again. I could feel the pull though. And last night I was tempted to take a look at SL. I signed into the website and thank goodness noone was logged on that could have been a further lure. It is there within me. I fell into the cyber sex routine so easily with LW and felt the shame and also he disappointment within me that I had been disloyal to G despite myself. It is a strong and powerful driver of my behaviour counter to my spiritual principles that I value so highly. Gosh!

Skinner developed his box drawing on the natural motivation of hunger. He showed that the rat would "learn" to press a lever to get food. A behaviour that would not necessarily be a natural behaviour
And so incentive motivation theory - based on homeostasis, the tendency of the body to keep the body stable.
Homeostasis however is not the dominant drive, the incentive is shown to be the stronger drive.
Ie when intravenously injected with water this wasn't enough to create the learning in the rat - ie the lever injection pairing.


Some addictions can be mutually supporting because they share a bit of common brain machinery. Sex and drugs, alcohol and gambling for example - basically describing what I see call cluster addictions.


Drugs hijack biologically-adaptive processes.
They cheat the system and use the system - lure with the incentive for their potent consequences.
There is no advantage to survival to using drugs but lure on their changed effect.

Dopamine out of alignment casue catastrophe. It is used only in a small number of areas in the brain.
It is believed to be a part of the seeking out - the incentive activity in the brain.
It seems to make life seem good - excitation of the dopaminergic system.

Incentive salience - dopamine turns life into magnets that draw us in.

Tolman and Bowls Bindra - 3 giants in the research of addiction.

There is  specific brain pathway that seems linked with the magnet behaviour, the lure to the outside world.
Change is key in this area of the brain. Coolidge Effect - wanting uncertainty and change. It excited dopamine. Las Vegas research is full of people with uncertainty, machines maximising on uncertainty.
Dovovyetsy, The Gambler - was suddenly overcome by risk.
Uncertainty drives for more and more of it.

The nearer to the target the more intense the pull of the magnet. Motivational myopia. Strongly motivated means that consequences get ignored i.e. ignore the effect on waistline when wanting to eat
Discounting the future.

Differences in brains shows that stimulated by sex or food and the pathway activity with individuals meant that the researcher could predict their behaviour in connection with food and sex.

Measuring cravings - some people are craving at the image of food for example. Some people are strong cravers and others not. It's triggered by cues.
Common dopaminergic centres - this could spill over into making another incentive attractive. Sex for example is used to sell other things - cars, smoking etc.

Ian Huntley - perhaps it was not planned and happened on impulse. He thought he was on to a good thing but discovered he wasn't and something spilled over into his aggression.


Addiction
Dopamine underlies our wanting of the addiction.

Dopamine medication shows that it spills over into the wanting pathway and [eople develop an addiction.
People like drugs and alcohol and sex etc. Liking is driven by the opioids in the brain.


Rat pups protest when taken away from their mother. Injected with morphoine their distress is greatly reduced. Soothing.

Nicotine is one of the most difficult to give up of the substances.
Thene tere are behavioural addictions - there are natural opioids in the brain. If injecting opioid for example the brain is artificially stimulated then.
Life is not broken down anymore into physical or psychological. Now they are known to be both.

All addictions serve the end to bring up the level of opiods. Short term pleasure for long term pain is the trade off.

Even with all the misery the addict believes that life is better than without despite the long term pain.

If shown the trigger cue there is low level dopiminergic activity. ie show a sex addict pornogrpahy then the craving is triggered. And the drive to get the person and the craving gets stronger when the possibility gets more probable.

There is an example of flight crew who are smokers - one short haul and one long haul team. The short term crew craved the closer they got to Berlin but the other crew didn't start craving strongly until approaching Japan.

Smoking however don't get a high rate as do cocaine addicts for example. It's not a massive noticeable rush.

Want what we like and like what we want.
Liking can come down though. A dissociation can occur as they are two seperate bases.
ONe dopamine and one opioid.

An addict will approach cues.

Control and motivation come together - how to weaken the influence of system one.
Preemptive action - Homer - he knew he'd given in to temptation but he knew that he needed to take preemptive action - ie. could resist the lure.
Food TEMPTATIONS - if you feel you may give in and value your waistline take your own food and don't wait as in the "hot" state you will give in.
Gamblers often put themselves on the banned list as if they get there they will give in to the temptation.
Some are good at restraint some are not.
Wilde - I couldn't help it I could resist everything but temptation.

There are differences in people with regard to temptation. It shows in rats as well.
Some rats will engage more vigorously than others - there is a large amount of incentive salience.
Both incentivised in the same way but some are more intrigued than others.
Thre seems to be a tendency towards the low level control and the high level control but whats the difference.
The ones that are vigorous have a high level of dopamine in the brain - they have certain traits and things become a positive reinforcer in their own right.
Is it the same in humans?

Love Prof FT who is so proud of his photo with Skinner.

Skinner was the father of operant conditioning. Reinforcement - we do them because we get reinforced.
There were two students who challenged this - they talked about the misbehaviour ...
Misbehaviour can be a priming word in cognitive explanations.
They trained animals to work for food. They would pick up a coin and earn food that way.
Thigns went down hill and behaviours degenerated. Aniumals did anything but deposit the coin.
The conditioning gave the token enormous incentive salience.
Dovovetsjy talked about the racing heart as he neared the gambling hall. Fetishes are usually a male phenomenon - and could be linked with similar to high incentive atttributions to the fenmal attire is underdriven by dopamine.

Addiction is a stronger than normal system 1 and weaker system 2.
The prefrontal brain is damaged with certain drugs.

relapse - predictive lures will weaken the resolve to quit.
Vietnam War was an example that only some are actually addictive. The expectation was theat there would be an increase in drug addicts. There wasn't the levels returned to the same as they were.

There is more and more addiction in society - not just substances but behaviours too. It is suggested that there is dislocation driving addiction. People are torn from their social norms.
Opiates reduce distress of separation - a social alienation might underlie addiction.

Is biology the issue or is it sociology? I don't think it can be extricated as a separateness.
Of course it's both. The fact that the environment changes is also linked within internal environmental changes.
Both are crucial to each other.

As a species we are most able to predict the future and yet discount this with addiction.

Why do we vote the way we do?
Is it appearance? - Kennedy was tanned, taller and more attractive
Evidence suggests that its not just issues that people vote on
Dispassionate vision is one level - Passionate vision - people are moved by what is illicit in the person
2 systems? They co-exist and we make up our mind based o appeals to system 1 or system 2?
Bush for example appealed more to system 1 ie he could get on with people.
Those who were attracted to the more cignitive canditate may have been stronger on system 2.

Balance - Obama- appealed to both.
Clinton seemed to appeal to both. He did get out of kilter. But his speeches were genius.
Consumer society produces an excessive level of wants.

System 2 both needs to energise and restrain ie ie the driver and the horse. The driver needs to get the horse going but also slow it down when necessary.
If the horse takes control the drive is being disengaged.
It will operate then at a very low level - prediction and awareness are removed.

Politicians. How well bealanced are system 1 and 2.
Bush appealed to system 1 - TWICE.
What drives the politician. Driven by system 1 and 2 in combination.
There may be a bias towards system 1 - does a psychopath have a higher drive by system 1?
Gore or Kerry work on system 2 and appeal to system 2 people.
Clinton is a textbook case of getting the balance of the two systems.
Highly intellectual but incredibly affable.

Approach and avoidance - the control of active behaviour ie moving towards or avoiding and aversive situation. If the animal avoids a shcok to its foot then that pathway is activated.
There is a pathway that seems to characterise depression. Three is a distinction b etween wanting and liking
Some people just don't want but if can get out of bed do enjoy what they engae with ie the liing is till therre. Some people can not want nor like

Smoking- manage to quits. Some people will stay awayfrom addictions - is system 2 more dominant?
What a dread for the good question. There is no answer to this question.
Yes the system 2 seems to become more active if they manage to quit.
Why do some people get this inspiration to swtich off the habit totally - does chock treatment trick system 2 into activity?
Nicotine only ever takes away the distress of not having it. Possibly.
ALEXANDER SAYS THAT THE DISLOCATION OR DISPOSSESED TURN TO ADDICTION.
Not everyone smolking is dislocated or dispossed but it creates a craving for itself.
It doens't bring any great hedonism expect the alleviation of the craving
Why do some people kick the habit?

Nicotone is only addictive for 3 days - the habitual side is the difficulty afterwards.
Change things and behaviours around the smoking and it starts to break the addiction cues.
A 60 a day smoker was given some support and given some suggestions. There was something about not being told and believed the persona dn followed the suggestions.
Belief is therefore important in people deciding to follow the path of change.

Influence could be key in giving up.











Bliss




 

Principles as a layer of Systems according to St Paul

Romans - letters from St Paul to the Romans
7:14

The Law, of course, as we all know is spiritual; but I am unspiritual; I have been sold as a slave to sin. I cannot understand my own behaviour. I fail to carry out the things I want to do, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. When I act against my own will, that means I have a self that acknowledges that the Law is good, and so the thing behaving in that way is not my own self but sin living in me. The fact is, I know of nothing good living in me - living that is, in my unspiritual self - for though the will to do what is good is in me, their performance is not, with the result instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want. When I act against my will, then, it is not my true self doing it, but sin which lives in me.
In fact, this seems to be the rule, that every single time I want to do good it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God's Law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles against the law which my reason dictates. This is what makes me a prisoner of that law of sin which lives in my body.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body doomed to death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
In short, it is I who with my reason serve the Law of God, and no less I who serve in my unspiritual self the law of sin.

... The unspiritual are interested only in what is unspiritual, but the spiritual are interested in spiritual things. It is death to limit oneself to what is unspiritual; life and peace can only come with concern for the spiritual.

You may think I've suddenly turned religious as this is a quite from the Bible. I have nothing against religion except the people that in my opinion are invested with powers that they misuse. I therefore don't like to use the word adopted by religions, God. Even the capital letter makes me shudder. And yet I am happy with a capitalised Universe. I am because it to me represents truth, love, bliss, wisdom and peace. It is gentle and unassuming, it just happens. There is a rhythm to it all. And right now I see nature reclaiming itself against the destruction that has become man. Stronger viruses and bacteria gradually taking back mother earth.
So this verse I discovered was inspired by listening to Prof FT when he referred to St Paul's letters to the Romans and despite the lack of science St Paul depicts his awareness of two systems within him. Prof FT was referring to this in his lecture (previous post). As Prof FT said thought there are many 2-level systems throughout the brain and he cited the spiritual system as one because this has been extensively researched and is probably the best known. To this point systems are being identified but none so clearly distinguished as 2 level systems as vision. So St Paul is identifying the inner self that has beliefs of one sort and yet this overriding system that behaves against those principles. It is an uncanny vision of something that is these days researched and explored.
Addiction is a good example of a system over riding all sense. It is compelling and powerful. What happens to that quiet inner spiritual self? Why is it so quiet and yet it is so good? What sense is that in this system we have Universe/god? I don;t believe it is a mistake. Nothing in this Universe is a mistake, it is how it is.
Making sense of these things  biologically actually does help me to understand. But my understanding of biological psychology is not to move away from spiritual understanding, it simply reaffirms the wonder of the spirit, the Universe and I am in awe. It is wonderful.

There is something that grates on me. I cannot be entirely open and honest with G. I have not told him of a period in my life when I was escorting. That term is a very polite way of saying high-class prostitution. In reality I was visiting or they were visiting me and I was paid to have sex with them. I also haven't told him about all my sexual playing out. It doesn't seem beneficial and yet I do not feel fully open and honest. I know things about myself he doesn't know. I am holding back. I cannot decide if it is actually is harmful to tell him or more harmful to keep this secret. People would say no but then people do not always know. I give it to you Universe to guide me.
I know he invites the whole truth and says he does not make judgement. I want to know about him and women but when I do know it influences my thoughts about him and his motives today. For example I am grateful for his truth about his sexual experiences and his fantasies with men and things. But it leaves me questioning. Is he actually gay? Is that what affects his sexual arousal when he is with me, because really he would like to be with a man? And so on.
So how this links with the passages above about spiritual people are interested in spiritual things, I believe that honesty is spiritual. And I am one for secrecy, exaggeration, and outright untruths (lies). I am working on being more honest. And I like the truth, no I love the truth. I hope for openness and truth from others. This secret I am keeping stands against that principle. But there is also step 9 which adds to the act of amends "except when to do so would injure others". It could be damaging to him? I think it would create emotions with him and distrust. I am gradually revealing more of me to him. I have revealed my fantasies of M/s and not entirely explained the acting out but at least explained the research that I did online.
The thing is G has an extraordinary memory and so as more of me gets revealed is aware of the holes en route to get to today. There is more to be revealed and I guess that's all I can say to him. I need to learn to trust I do not automatically trust. I need to see how and where I am with every day with him. I have seen him react in ways that are frightening to me. If he doesn't like something or someone he is prone to put his take on that and reveal it outside in the broader arena. So if I were to give hi information that he took umbrage to I am not entirely sure that we can work through it and therefor at risk of being exposed broadly. So what if I am? It would be my truth. However, discretion is mine too.
Universe guide me please. As I currently feel closer to G, thank you Universe, it leaves me unsure as always how to proceed. Friends do know my past and so there is always the risk that it could be revealed to him through other sources. Ex's do know too and a man scorned? Who knows?
Please show me how to be and follow the spiritual path. I am not doing those things now and I am pretty certain that whilst I continue to work in me I am changing ad more in line with my inner spirit and Universal spirituality. I do not claim that I am not tempted by unspiritual pursuits and evil. I was tempted just recently with LW. I am more and more aware of the force of flattery. I know this is deeply connected with a deep sense of worthlessness. This is not spiritual. It is this 2 system that Prof FT talks about. Somehow I have learnt that I am scum and hold that belief so strongly. I hold it so strongly that is has driven most of my life choices in adulthood. And those choices have been so destructive. Unlearning this message I wonder if it's actually possible. I see changes whereby I  do feel better about myself at times. They are glimpses of change. It can easily slip into grandiosity but mainly I stay beneath the parapet of equality and slip into the quagmire of inferiority. Hence a smile or an affirmation from an external source can totally turn my head and lead me away from the spiritual pursuit. It is a hard path to follow.It can seem like deprivation at times. But I know it is worth it.
Therefore in following a spiritual path I wonder if it is necessary to forsake relationships with men all together? I have asked this question of the Universe. I asked the question of G yesterday. It feels saddening to think this might be the case. Is a relationship actually a veil between me and the spiritual path in totality? Can there be both? Or is the relationship meant to be me and the spirit within me. As G says who is me? What is this thing called me?


Here is the text I sent to G. I suspect he will think I've gone crazy. Or rather will confirm that I am ...

A question for you. There is no I, no me. What is there? What do you understand by there being no I? I'm interested. I'm sure there is no answer but I just wondered what this means to you. I'm not yet anywhere close to have any comprehension - I see flesh enclosing a sense of me separating me from you and other things. Yet there is no existence without, a sense of me is helped along by who and what I am not. There are in groups and out groups resulting in prejudices and yet we all breathe air to even exist. Is it unspiritual to have a sense of I. Who is this I? I feel that I is multidimensional. But there is a shifting I depending on situations at the same there is a level of consistent me regardless - what is that bit? And then whether to truly be is it necessary to forsake all desires - sex? Is it possible to be you and me got example and still follow the spirit? Is that ONLY feeding a want? And I also question whether the core can truly change such as my utter belief that I am scum. I sometimes can feel a degree of equality as a being - but that then is "me" versus "them" - mostly I live in the quagmire of inferiority occasionally riding above the parapet but into grandiosity. It has changed that at times "I'm" simply "me" not better nor worse than. But then what if I'm not an I at all?

Anyone - if you have some thoughts on this I truly would be interested t know what you think.

Bliss
xx
 

Hierarchy in the Brain

http://podcast.open.ac.uk/oulearn/psychology/podcast-Brain-Awareness-Week-Lecture

A wide variety of different sources of evidence is converging upon an understanding that the human brain is organized in a hierarchical structure. Brain regions that are old in terms of both evolution and development coexist with newer regions. Investigation into how this combination of regions produces behaviour has yielded some important insights. These involve a wide spectrum of phenomena, ranging from logical reasoning, how people become addicted, through homicide, to voting choices in elections. The lecture will explore a range of these phenomena. Frederick Toates is Emeritus Professor of Biological Psychology in the Open University. An author of 12 books, he has had experience of teaching undergraduates in America, France, Germany, Denmark, Sweden, Romania and Moldova. His OU teaching experience extends over more than 34 years. The most recent book is Biological Psychology (3rd ed.) and the article on which this lecture builds was published in The Journal of Sex Research in 2009. His research is mainly into the brain mechanisms of motivation.

Author: Prof Fred Toates

Broken Eyes

Going to bed now. But as the jealousy subsides the anger is rising. Want him to prioritise me. Hope he doesn't call coz I don't feel civil right now. Bloody hell relationships. And this is yet another one I didn't even want. I just get too flipping excited that anyone has paid me attention. It's been like that for a long time. I would like me to be different.
The story? Well in a voice message and a text one too G announced that E had called hi "on the sauce" again wanting to be taken to Petworthless meeting as G put it. I do like his creativity. I was instantly jealous as he has an interest in her. I assume an interest means he fancies her and given the chance would have a relationship with her. She's married but after all G has no respect for that having had affairs with married women in the past including D and spends time with her husband too. He says they are mates now and he's very very fond of her. But it is is peculiar. Still let's not buy into all that querying and questing for knowledge and certainty.
So off he goes to the meeting and sends me a text gratefully received saying that he will make some nourishing beans on toast and then call. He did exactly that bu didn't talk about E. I enquired and he unravelled the story. There was the conversation that she prefers male company in AA and of course he prefers female company. Do I feel okay with him developing another friendship with another woman. I don't think it's okay and whether he's chaste or not the women will get the wrong message especially if they are drinking and for years can be needy for male attention. Look at me with G. But he will say how can I think that he would make any approaches when I know his issues with sex. However, he was forward with me and direct about his issues and that hasn't stopped him at all. Plus I think he'd like a multitude of women's places to be able to be so that when kicked out of each place he has another, anywhere but his pit. I'm now going into the realms of paranoia and fantasy. But the truth will be revealed and there is something instinctual about this. I see his insecurity and also his selfish drive. And when he doesn't get what he wants he is either moody and withdrawn or punishing by getting his needs met in other ways. Not always healthy. I am taking his inventory yes! All I can do though is take care of my jealousy and insecurity and know that whatever happens I will be okay. This is the situation and it actually cannot do anything more than stir up these unpleasant feelings. I need some time to discover if my intuitions are founded in any way.
My eyes are broken in that I see myself as fat or a distorted body image because when overweight I've been feeling okay about myself until seeing a photo. When I saw myself underweight in a photo I was quite surprised. I have broken eyes.
But I have broken eyes about that so they are possibly broken about other things. I see one thing and read a million assumptions into it. So we will see. If he now starts having a lot of text contact with E, what will I do? If she's drinking she's going to be reaching out in the needy way. If her husband is kicking her out then she is going to want people to pick up the pieces and she prefers me. Is G suddenly going to spend time being that piece picker upper. He doesn't involve me. He might be trying to involve Long S but it's half-hearted really if E turns that down. Then what? He is surrounded by drunk needy women. Interesting description and picture. Do I want a man who wants to be surrounded by drunk needy women?
He will I think have thought that is the position I am in at work. Surrounded by drunk needy men. That's how he was and will undoubtedly be basing his experience of therapists on the ones he ended up having relationships with. I despise them their dangerous unprofessionalism. I think they are unaware of the damage they cause. Please God I never ever enter into that destructive journey. There but for the grace of God go I.
Am I seeing this through broken eyes? I don't know. At least if I keep talking and writing it will become clear. I do not need to act out the inquisitiveness and anger and quest for certainty. I know it will be revealed. I went digging with JH and found what I wanted to see. I do not need to go digging in the certainty that the Universal energy will reveal what I am supposed to see. In the meantime I can enjoy what I is enjoyable and leave the unknown to be where it is.
I can carry on doing what I want and like doing. I work regardless of what G thinks. I have arrangements with my friends regardless of what G may think or do. I suspect he will take his revenge somehow because although aware of his feeling she does utilise his emotions to repay me. Or am I being paranoid about that. Is this something that I know from my dad who wasn't quite as wily or from my mum who just stopped trying to change things. I don't know. It is ingrained into a deep groove in my psyche though.
So I need to get ashed and dressed and set off to pick up GB from hospital. I'm glad to be able to be of service to her. But it is an interruption from a non starter of my studies. All this week I have not been able to read in the mornings because of work!! I let it happen?

Bliss
XX

And acceptance is the answer to all my difficulties today

I had a lovely day yesterday with G. In fact that last couple of days have been lovely with him. Now I think he's been different but more importantly I've been different. I got to a point of once again accepting that I am jealous and in my jealousy comes pain. I am jealous over the possibility of what goes on between G and his friend D. He says it's not sexual and yet she makes passes at him. To me it's more than sex though and he doesn't seem to get that. She is his friend and he's so incredibly fond of her. A relationship takes more than sex. He told me he was able to have a sit down clear conversation with her when she asked why he gets so annoyed with her. He said that it hasn't been sexual for over 2 years and there's no reason it will be any different. He said he told her he is very fond of her and wouldn't want anything to happen to her. The surge of jealousy hit me at the fact that he sees it as a sexual thing only that makes it not a relationship. The daily seeing of each other and regular texting seems excessive if it's simply a fondness and friendship. I wonder if it will always be that way.
The thing is that I accept I am jealous and when I feel that way I want to change the situation so that it's suitable for me and not with any pain for me. But I have to accept not only how I feel but that it is this way. I do not have the right to control it in any way at all. A part of me, seeing how being light and breezy can alter the way things are between G and I, and suddenly even my attitude could be a means of manipulation. If I behave like this he'll be more inclined to drop her. That's terrible. I recognise as I am writing this here and now. It was there to see when talking with my sponsor but I didn't see it.
Instead acceptance of things just the way they are is so key. And then observe myself within the situation, try to behave with dignity and respect myself for instance I said that I felt very uncomfortable that G might decide to stay with D whilst her husband was away. I heard G say he was uncomfortable with it aswell but I didn't believe him. Anyway I just said I was uncomfortable. I extended that when he told me another day that he wanted to take her to a meeting and had agreed to visit and take her to the gardening centre. I realised I was trying to control that too. My main discomfort was the overnight stays. I was able to say that I was jealous and wanting to control him going there at all. But the reality is he's in her company most days out of sight of the husband. Basically he needs to do what he wants to do and all I have to do is keep observing and keep my own boundaries. If I really cannot accept it then I need to get out of the relationship. Sometimes I can accept better than other times. It's especially difficult when he gets grumpy and moody and is not good company at all and then seems to spend more time in silence with me and more time happier there.
This is G. He is up and down with his moods. He can be so over sensitive that I need to watch everything I say. The thing is I need to be me and see what happens. I do make blundering mistakes and ca be insensitive at times. I don't mean to be and hate it when my lack of mindfulness hurts him or indeed anyone. G's childhood makes me cry and angry with this society back then. I wonder if it's really terribly different now? I truly hope so. It puts my own thoughts about my childhood into the realms of insignificance really. More importantly my childhood situation is less of an issue for me. I truly believe that. It happened. I have had some confirmation of the way things were through family friends and indeed relatives. But it's all of little trauma today. My attitudes and behaviours and beliefs are still going to be guided by what happened but I think I have somewhat let go of the trauma. I wonder if the rage will have decreased a little more as a result too. I do hope so.
I feel more at ease this week. In fact on Friday morning I felt such utter serenity despite everything in the world. It is how it is and all I can do is turn away from negativity, be grateful for what I have and see what unfolds during the day. As I write that I can feel it now for me here today.
Then there is this sense of missing out and of loss that I can easily tap into. My friend was on a date on Saturday. I immediately became aware that I am with a man with no money and no prospect of money. He avoids working and when he does work it's not thorough. Yet is so good at the plumbing. It was enough to make me question the relationship again. To start collecting all that is wrong with it and want out yet thank goodness there are enough things that make me question that for us to then have such a lovely day.
Similarly, I have a morning of studying to do then G and I are going to explore more wild flowers and birds. We heard and saw nightingales yesterday. What a tremendous experience. Loud and variable songs. They are quite plain really. Larger than a robin I could determine that and simply brown. The tail was really flicking up as the bird sang. I wonder if I can download the recording here? Including G's belches!!!! I'll give it a go later on.
Anyway a friend has just commented on going to the beach. I suddenly have a craving for Brighton. But G would never go there. Too busy. I thought then I'd have to arrange to go with another friend. But that eats into G and I time which is limited by my full time work and my part time study. He has all week off doing little to doss around and I have minimal time for him and friends. I'd like for example to meet with M this afternoon but I also have committed to time with G. If I didn't have time with him I think he'd be off with D anyway. Hmm this is a fine balancing act. And difficult. He wants to be here so much to not be at his pit. I'm sure that with time this will become clear to me as well. How to balance the mix of things I like to do that he doesn't like to. Time with friends is very important to me as is time with G. If we could develop trust between us then I think this would be easy to organise. I am trying to put trust in him even though at times my jealousy rises.
Oh and then the immense sense of loss I have about the facility to travel. I want to be able to go to other places. There is the exotic through difference that I really crave. I am having a sense of it this morning. I want to go somewhere else - people and buzzing. A beach and shops. That's Brighton you see. And yet if I was there I'm sure it wouldn't hold the feeling that I am craving. I wonder if G and I could combine places this afternoon. If I were to take my dinner and some for him too then maybe we could go on a further adventure. A little bit of bluebell hunting and some other area of newness. Pulborough Brooks yesterday was lovely but ........ I would have liked to go into the RSPB bit but was restricted because of LouLou. G was very gracious about that.
So where can we go today. I have a desire for the sea.
I can contribute to the petrol if G would be happy to drive. I will offer that. We are both short of cash this month. I have ordered books on top of my very low spend ability this month. Silly me. Oh and next Saturday is Kirsty's birthday evening so I will need to buy a pressie. And have a meal out. I hope she chooses somewhere nice. I am still in my 90 days so technically should not be sharing and should not be eating out. I feel very much more secure with my food though. I will mention it to my sponsor,
And then there's my birthday.
I feel disappointed with M that she has booked up around the date knowing that my birthday is coming up. I'd like to say something but wonder if it's appropriate.

So where can we go today?

He's awake and up.

Bliss
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