I have had a real awakening this morning. I DO NOT want to work for the Priory. I can't take back applying for the job in the first place but I have this morning been thankful for the experience because it has revealed to me how easily I will sell my soul to the devil - on a couple of matters as well. 1 is greed, but I am seeing my principles are actually bigger these days than my greed. And for that I am grateful too. 2 Because PD kept on and on to apply even when he was first leaving. I am frustrated with myself that I allowed his voice to infiltrate and oddly its a similar voice to that of my mum and dad - security, corporate, selfish usefulness really. I don't want to put my mum in that last bracket actually - she did her work with passion.
There is a number 3 point as well, the fear of being out of work is there at times. If PD should fold up and I have been getting very drained working for him - he and I are so very different although PD is very kind to people. We had someone with us completely free of charge for 7 months. And he gives the odd free day when we genuinely know people are struggling. I would do more but that's why I will NEVER EVER be rich
Hey ho!
But I took his projections and re-hashed them. He doesn't think I know anything about business at all which doesn't matter but I did give him back my projections. My suggestion has been far more modest than his. I have costed in a salary for him and another 4 day a week therapist and then myself. I have suggested he would need another two years worth of funding which is higher than the amount he's asked for and I have projected lower intake of clients than he would like. When I costed the therapist I removed my name so that it looked like he didn't have to worry about me personally because he does. Some of his issues are sleepless nights because he worries about putting me out of work BUT I'd rather be out of work than work for the Priory and I've come to realise it. I was angry with myself earlier for even applying because I've been negotiating the sale of my soul with the devil.
However, this morning after my quiet time I am grateful to see clearly. My pride will be hurt if they don't offer and my pride is hurt that I even applied in the first place because it's evidence to the world of my greed. But there's better things than my pride, is my humility and grace.
I have a mind to call today and withdraw my application. And then I think let it ride but I think it would be harder to say thanks but no thanks knowing that I have been swayed by greed and fear. What I know is that the incongruence is greater than greed and fear. And I am so so thankful to see this and really feel it I worked for a corporate for the "best" years of my life in the sense of the days when I was super energised (youth) and super passionate. I did it because of many influences and I made good at it and was successful. It took its toll on my soul though. Always always I had the battle with my conscience, my principles, my values. And here I have a louder conscience today. I do not have to be fearful of my mum and dad's opinion. Often PD sounds like my dad, even say my name the same way my dad did and even has little sayings the same. I am losing my fear of him though. I am gaining a stronger sense of myself. And again am grateful to see how influenced I can still be by that fear of a false "god" within me.
What do you think? Withdraw my application or let it ride and receive the probable rejection anyway or thank them and say no thank you if by some fluke I am offered the job? When I was thinking about this earlier I was just cross for having applied but then realised I had to go through this process to really SEE - And then it just came to me I could withdraw - I have no idea if that's a good idea or not. And the odd thing is that if PD should close I am less troubled by that then I have been about applying for this job. Applying for the Prinsted job dos not give me the trouble this one has. I am so glad I understand what the trouble is now. I am a decent person. I do this job because I care about people not money. And I am glad it's been revealed to me that I am a decent person. My principles do not match the principles of the Priory. Doesn't make them wrong by the way it's merely a mismatch I think there are some wonderful people there. I loved seeing some of them again and I miss them. Even the "funny" folk with bad tempers - I know they care. I would hope to somehow have contact with them on a professional basis at least. Today I have three clients for my private practice. I have one who had to postpone a session as well. That one and one other today would be Skype sessions - so I don't even have to travel. Tax wise this is problematic.
It may be better for me to go self employed with PD but he is really loathe to do that for some reason. PD is really loathe to do that - not sure why but I think he fears my business will supercede his. What he doesn't know is that I would prioritise his business when I'm there and mine when not. It is divided of course. But it is anyway - I am working towards my own business. And that was another thing I know would delay further my own business. Although I was thinking working there would be good for securing better contacts. Ugh more selling my soul!!!
I can develop contacts openly and genuinely without needing that STATUS to be a somebody. Ugh ugh ugh. I am so glad this has all been revealed to me. I could feel it but couldn't quite get clarity and now I have - there's probably more to be revealed but thank goodness this has opened up clearly. I keep asking myself if I'm seeing it like this on purpose to avoid rejection - yes I don't want not to be wanted but I think that's human. I don't want to be the one that rejects. I think I should withdraw my application. What a scary thing to do. I need to rapidly check this out with a few people because if I am to do it I need to call early this morning .... I suddenly feel clear in my head apart from this last question. I know that I DO NOT want to work for the Priory and I feel entirely settled within - that is the right thing for me. Goodness my mum and dad on earth would be having a fit right now. Mind you my dad never got over me leaving British Airways despite my success in Hogg Rob and then in latter years he completely gave up after I left Hogg Rob - just more fodder for his utter disappointment in me as a human being - the first being born the second being born a girl. He and I had very little chance of hitting it off ever really. Poor him, what a life of trying to get through it with such hatred for everything and everyone. I suppose that's why I shed a tear when I remember him laughing. When he laughed he laughed from the very core and it was genuine. I pray for that soul that was mainly trapped within him. I do not want to die in that way and I think with all the help and love I get my soul is being freed - yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I hope you don't mind me having ranted this out. I wanted it to be witnessed. I don't expect you to have read any of it at all. So don't worry about needing to reply but of course if there's anything you feel like saying please do.
If you have an opinion about withdrawing my application I'd appreciate that too.
THANK YOU GOD. I am so glad I reach out to you.
My friend suggests the following ....
morning.. I am not sure about withdrawing - u know all the above, as do friends. i may complete the process and wait to hear. if u get offered it u can let them does gently and politely. take offer away and consider and then give less emotionally charged thanks but no thanks. Distance - working on own business expansion, move.away from client work etc etc. if a rejection you can ask for feedback and keep on good terms re futures. picking up secondary work etc etc. They need know none of above. You need not explain or justify. know own current and preferred area of work and that is more client contact etc etc etc. Money bureaucracy etc your personal view. I said none of that to the art job was rejected from and kept doors open. Rejection is hard but think of hp universe etc. sometimes reasons beyond our knowledge and wot is it our will that sometimes gets in way so just let it play out. and if u get rejected no decision to make. if not 'phew' in head but keep good relations. Albeit if offered that I still think likely - client work prob key get out and apologise for change of heart but would rather say now than join and then unsettle team further by leaving.
There is my pride feeling pinched that this person comes up with some sensible ideas and not me. Ha ha ha. Please God remove my pride.
Bliss
x
There is a number 3 point as well, the fear of being out of work is there at times. If PD should fold up and I have been getting very drained working for him - he and I are so very different although PD is very kind to people. We had someone with us completely free of charge for 7 months. And he gives the odd free day when we genuinely know people are struggling. I would do more but that's why I will NEVER EVER be rich
Hey ho!
But I took his projections and re-hashed them. He doesn't think I know anything about business at all which doesn't matter but I did give him back my projections. My suggestion has been far more modest than his. I have costed in a salary for him and another 4 day a week therapist and then myself. I have suggested he would need another two years worth of funding which is higher than the amount he's asked for and I have projected lower intake of clients than he would like. When I costed the therapist I removed my name so that it looked like he didn't have to worry about me personally because he does. Some of his issues are sleepless nights because he worries about putting me out of work BUT I'd rather be out of work than work for the Priory and I've come to realise it. I was angry with myself earlier for even applying because I've been negotiating the sale of my soul with the devil.
However, this morning after my quiet time I am grateful to see clearly. My pride will be hurt if they don't offer and my pride is hurt that I even applied in the first place because it's evidence to the world of my greed. But there's better things than my pride, is my humility and grace.
I have a mind to call today and withdraw my application. And then I think let it ride but I think it would be harder to say thanks but no thanks knowing that I have been swayed by greed and fear. What I know is that the incongruence is greater than greed and fear. And I am so so thankful to see this and really feel it I worked for a corporate for the "best" years of my life in the sense of the days when I was super energised (youth) and super passionate. I did it because of many influences and I made good at it and was successful. It took its toll on my soul though. Always always I had the battle with my conscience, my principles, my values. And here I have a louder conscience today. I do not have to be fearful of my mum and dad's opinion. Often PD sounds like my dad, even say my name the same way my dad did and even has little sayings the same. I am losing my fear of him though. I am gaining a stronger sense of myself. And again am grateful to see how influenced I can still be by that fear of a false "god" within me.
What do you think? Withdraw my application or let it ride and receive the probable rejection anyway or thank them and say no thank you if by some fluke I am offered the job? When I was thinking about this earlier I was just cross for having applied but then realised I had to go through this process to really SEE - And then it just came to me I could withdraw - I have no idea if that's a good idea or not. And the odd thing is that if PD should close I am less troubled by that then I have been about applying for this job. Applying for the Prinsted job dos not give me the trouble this one has. I am so glad I understand what the trouble is now. I am a decent person. I do this job because I care about people not money. And I am glad it's been revealed to me that I am a decent person. My principles do not match the principles of the Priory. Doesn't make them wrong by the way it's merely a mismatch I think there are some wonderful people there. I loved seeing some of them again and I miss them. Even the "funny" folk with bad tempers - I know they care. I would hope to somehow have contact with them on a professional basis at least. Today I have three clients for my private practice. I have one who had to postpone a session as well. That one and one other today would be Skype sessions - so I don't even have to travel. Tax wise this is problematic.
It may be better for me to go self employed with PD but he is really loathe to do that for some reason. PD is really loathe to do that - not sure why but I think he fears my business will supercede his. What he doesn't know is that I would prioritise his business when I'm there and mine when not. It is divided of course. But it is anyway - I am working towards my own business. And that was another thing I know would delay further my own business. Although I was thinking working there would be good for securing better contacts. Ugh more selling my soul!!!
I can develop contacts openly and genuinely without needing that STATUS to be a somebody. Ugh ugh ugh. I am so glad this has all been revealed to me. I could feel it but couldn't quite get clarity and now I have - there's probably more to be revealed but thank goodness this has opened up clearly. I keep asking myself if I'm seeing it like this on purpose to avoid rejection - yes I don't want not to be wanted but I think that's human. I don't want to be the one that rejects. I think I should withdraw my application. What a scary thing to do. I need to rapidly check this out with a few people because if I am to do it I need to call early this morning .... I suddenly feel clear in my head apart from this last question. I know that I DO NOT want to work for the Priory and I feel entirely settled within - that is the right thing for me. Goodness my mum and dad on earth would be having a fit right now. Mind you my dad never got over me leaving British Airways despite my success in Hogg Rob and then in latter years he completely gave up after I left Hogg Rob - just more fodder for his utter disappointment in me as a human being - the first being born the second being born a girl. He and I had very little chance of hitting it off ever really. Poor him, what a life of trying to get through it with such hatred for everything and everyone. I suppose that's why I shed a tear when I remember him laughing. When he laughed he laughed from the very core and it was genuine. I pray for that soul that was mainly trapped within him. I do not want to die in that way and I think with all the help and love I get my soul is being freed - yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I hope you don't mind me having ranted this out. I wanted it to be witnessed. I don't expect you to have read any of it at all. So don't worry about needing to reply but of course if there's anything you feel like saying please do.
If you have an opinion about withdrawing my application I'd appreciate that too.
THANK YOU GOD. I am so glad I reach out to you.
My friend suggests the following ....
morning.. I am not sure about withdrawing - u know all the above, as do friends. i may complete the process and wait to hear. if u get offered it u can let them does gently and politely. take offer away and consider and then give less emotionally charged thanks but no thanks. Distance - working on own business expansion, move.away from client work etc etc. if a rejection you can ask for feedback and keep on good terms re futures. picking up secondary work etc etc. They need know none of above. You need not explain or justify. know own current and preferred area of work and that is more client contact etc etc etc. Money bureaucracy etc your personal view. I said none of that to the art job was rejected from and kept doors open. Rejection is hard but think of hp universe etc. sometimes reasons beyond our knowledge and wot is it our will that sometimes gets in way so just let it play out. and if u get rejected no decision to make. if not 'phew' in head but keep good relations. Albeit if offered that I still think likely - client work prob key get out and apologise for change of heart but would rather say now than join and then unsettle team further by leaving.
There is my pride feeling pinched that this person comes up with some sensible ideas and not me. Ha ha ha. Please God remove my pride.
Bliss
x
