Mind blowing awareness

Well I just nee to record this before it disperses into the ether.
This morning talking with my sponsor and for the umpteemeth time she suggested that I need to take the focus away from my judegements, likes and dislikes of L. I hasten to add that through this week things have improved since making amends. Did I tell you about that?
Here are my perceptions on what has happened on that. Earlier this year, way back in February, there was a day that would mean SH and I were in alone. SH was insistent that we needed a sessional. I didn't actually agree but was so cross that L wasn't listening to SH and arguing against her and added to that worried that as SH was becoming more and more unhappy that she would leave and I'd then be left behind - selfish - plus I really feel happy and trusting working with SH. I wanted her to be happier so that she wouldn't leave (me). So I jumped in on the argument and made it my own. Stepping into protect SH who backed off as I took up the cause. As a result L arranged sessional work. Who came in and without consulting us, not that I'd have been able to own those underyling motives at the time, he went to the manager questioning why he was there. As a result of that, the manager came into the office and asked me why the sessional was needed. I said "I don't know, L organised it". I was also afraid of the sessional person's judgement of me you see. Weak that I wanted a sessional and could see how unstructured I would look if I owned that I had wanted a sessional. So many lies, all motivated by fears of different sorts. But ultimately fear of being rejected by people I relly like. How muddled I am and the chaos that followed.
This has situation anyway has been raised several times. I carried on the lie by denying hat I had said "I don't know". Of course people knew I had. Nothing added up. L has raised this several times and earlier this week I really allowed it to sink in. I became honest with my sponsor. I really had heard L and reading between the lines but more at an instictual level knew this was a problem for her with me. I actaully said something like knowing there was some issue between us and she referred to it at that time. So speaking with B firstly she was so loving and pointed out how wonderful that I was becoming humble. And the truth was becoming the healing. She said that now I could make amends but I didn't know how so she gave me some ideas.
I went in that day knowing that the opportunity would present itself when I would be able to say my lines, that I truly, truly meant. I was squirming inside.
A moment of silence fell over the office and I asked if she had a moment I could speak with her. I didn't want it to be in passing and she would be called away at such an important moment.
I referred back to the issue spoken about yesterday and said that she was right. That in fear I had not taken responsibility. I said I had looked at my process and didn;t need to go into detail abuot that but that I was very sorry. She was relieved. She responded with a big thank you and added that she hadn't be able to trust me but now knew she could. She also said that she now knew she wasn't going mad. She went on to talk about the ways in which she over reacts to situations and doesn't like how she's been behaving and is working on that. That was nice to hear to and I smiled. I finished by saying that i wouldn't expect her to trust me but that I am a loyal and hardworking employee and that I can only show my turstworthiness by being trustworthy.
I just don't remember how it ended but we seemed to move on naturally adn teh rest of the week has been so much ligther for me. I feel better able to be me and even ask questions differently.
I am showing by asking I think that I can be intereted in different ideas and be flexibale and adaptable and also not contentious.
Anyway back to the revelation of this morning. My sponsor had asked how I was and I talked startaight away about the fact that things had been easier at work but that whilst I was seeing things I liked about L I also didn't really like her, that I was tired and so on and so on. B at this point said that I needed to stop juging L and that I need to bring the focus back to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah! And then she asked me what I was doing in my private life. My first utter was a moan about during the week being tired and getting back late, and what with meetings etc usually I get home, write my meals down, make my meals for the next day and go to bed. I added humpily that there was little time for my own interests. So then she asked what I was doing this weekend.
This weekend I am meeting with M to plan our holiday and then this evening we are going to Taming of the Shrew with a couple of other friends joining us. Tomorrow after the AWOL I am going out with DC to learn how to use the camera he has leant me. "That's sounds wonderful!", she said and continued to point out that she knows little of the other things I do. It became clear as she explained that it's almost obsessional. This blew my mind as I suddenly realised in line with other people saying they know little about the things I am doing, it's because I don't tell them anything other than what is probably my obessional thinkings. I don't tell my dad anything or friends but often it's because I don;t think it is very interesting. Things I do aren't interesting to other people. I want to find out about them before I tell them anything because if I reveal things about me that match them they will like me. My dad can't be bothered with detail and womens interests. It's been like this all of my life I think.

So there's probably other layers of processing going on but this for me was like having the mirror completely held up in front of me.

So I'm off now to start doing the thigns I'm doing today.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Bliss
XX

ps spellchecker isn't working - please excuse typo's

A world full of conformists

The question is "How can we know who we truly are in a world full of conformists?"

Fear based conformity. But actually when was this bred? And by whom? In my opinion this started way-way back in history in this society. How the Churches intially started to gain a sense of power I'm not sure. I imagine fairly early in our history. I imagine the less deeloped brain was bitten by the sense of power. Wehterh biologically less developed or intellectually or probably both. You see I am of the train of thoughts that we are ever evolvong. When you consider that the oldest part of our brain is similar to the of a crocodiles, it makes sense that our brains have been evolving which in turn provides more capacity for more complex cognition and mechanics, in turn giving us the need to develop areas of the brain more. Phenomenon that feed each other.
So in early days there would have been less cognition, less mindfulness and power would have been the way to overcome fears. So combined with some people gaining knowledge through experiences and finding ways of communicating that knowledge, they would have been given power and being the wise ones and in return they or someone would have been deeloping that sense of power without really understanding fully the implications. And so I see this as a way that power could have been evolving. Along this parallel would have been leadership from a point of bravery. Probably the stronger men who seemed to face fearsome beasts and invading tribes, cleverly leading and ambushing and thereby protecting his/their own tribes. So battling leadership alongside the leadership of principled people and presto the western ways were being borne.
And people will give their power to others who seem willing and better abled to protect and guide. The greater majority don't put their heads above the parapet. Thank goodness for those who do. But at a different prive to all. Thos that will deserve reward for the reward they give to the masses. Agreed. But when the imbalance of superiority takes over - hmmmm where is the balance.

And amongst the masses is bred a society of conformists. Is that how it started? Did the people conform naturally or did they give over their power and therefore have to start conforming. After all we are animals basically and therefore there is safety in grouping. To group or to belong there needs to be some conformity surely. We need to hold similar principles and be heading in similar directions otherwise we will have to separate. The start of individuals wo break away from society perhaps. Is this clever and to be admired or ridiculous and dangerous? We are all individuals withi groups.
How do we retain that sense of individuality within the group? In other words not conform so that we are so deeply entrenched that there is no original thought.

I received this message recently from the Universe ...

Bliss, please help spread the word. Here are the top 10 ways people give away their power:
1. Asking others what they should do.
2. Thinking God decides who gets what.
3. Worrying about how their dream will come true.
4. Thinking they have dues to pay.
5. Attaching to unimportant details and outcomes.
6. Believing in soul mates.
7. Thinking karma or spiritual contracts are absolute.
8. Fear of anything, especially falling in love.
9. Waiting for their ducks to line up before acting.
10. Choosing to be unhappy.
Understand the truth, little bird, and you will soar.
Caw-caw,
    The Universe

Interestingly, the first one, in my opinion, can be used in learning who we are. As a child we are guided and as a result start to learn about conforming within our family group. The rules of the family unit. Babies are culnerable and need basic nurturing to feed their hunger, quench their thirst, feel loved and safe. With these basics the baby starts to develop physically and psychologically. Furthermore, their physical growth enables the brain to start it's development. Many experiments suggest early stages of cognition, such as theory of mind and memory. Then as toddlers the child is learning about themselves from parents or guardians and maybe siblings. They are reflected back to themselves, often the centre of attention. And very demanding. But as time goes on they start to deperate, playing with peers and becoming slightly more independant. But still learning how to fit in and belong. So there is a degeree of conformity innate? And as I suspect is it that innateness escalated within the environment and interactions with people and situations. Which comes first innate or environment? I'm not sure they can be sepearated at all.
But as children we need to ask what to do to learn? Part of learning though is discovering what it is we need to ask about. Making mistakes and getting stuck is a part of the growth. The Vygotsky theory of having people to structure for us the parts we do not know the ZPD or Zone of proximal development and providing the scaffolding to make that transition from what is known and achieveable to the next step of what is just out of reach and on the way to the next bit of learning. A person who knows already and has experience can help the child cross that zone of knowing to the next stage.

But of course are we creating conformity in the scaffolding. This is one persons experience they are showing the child. But do many different scaffolders create confusion? Is it better to learn one way and then when comfortable in that way become open to many different ways.
I wonder for myself whether there was just such a fixed way. perhaps my brain could not cope with diversity. But now I'm more open. I refer for example to be open to creativity and art. As I have explored this and moved out of my comfort zone I've discovered how much I love and appreciate art. The more I get involved and view the more I am seeing and learning.

Unfortunately I have to end this thought process, this philosophincal discussion at this point. it would be interesting to get a creativists input into some of the science. Broaden my mind. It would be so nice if other people started to contribute. I am worried to invite people to read as they will access old thought patterns that have since shifted and old behaviours that I am ashamed of.
But hey this the whole me. The journey. Those people who are cited would be better off not reading as they will get into the inner thoughts that are loaded with my issues.  And indeed as I evolve those issues of mine alter and therefore my thinking through things alters too. I am way off target. So I'm justifying inc ase anyone I know reads.
I welcome a broader audience if it's there to be had because I welcome the opening of my mind with different ideas. I want to listen and share. Come on folks tune in. I think God will be helping this to happen if it's meant to.

Bliss
XX

OK I'm back and would like to continue with this idea a little more. It was strange really as a friend of mine is away on a weekend of philosophical discussions and what shoudl come up but who am I? And then on the radio I heard mention questions around conformity. My friend wrote to me "how to be free, can I ever be free in a society with others?" I find this both sad and interesting. This desparate need some of us seem to have to be different. And the arrogance of this too. There is surely a way to find the balance of being and individual within our cosiety and community. Whatever we do we end up being with like-minded people. And if there is this drive to be absolutely individualistic then life would become like a hermits life. Keeping away from people for the fear of being the same as them. I wonder what reasons people who live as hermits live that way. Are they leaving society for this reason, or because they just can't seem to find like-minded people, or it's too difficult to wor through the difficulties that can arise in the interactions with people or simply not liking the society within which they live, such as the rat race or the waste and over consumption, or the ethics and morals. I suspect there are more people living a solitary life even if appearing to be within the community.

It's a self imprisonment though. Being humans, or rather animal, there is an instinct to have both community and companionship and that means also finding similarities. This drive to be different and stand alone is something else. Is it once again driven by experiences from the past? There is surely a balance between maintaining one's own identity, personality and ideas whilst also being able to be a part of and open to others contributions. The celebration of similarities as well as differences.

Put it in the God Box

Can I brainstorm with you the ideas of what I'd like to do.
I'd like to be travelling to places where I can offer support - trauma victims fore xample. I need some training in this area.
I'd like to set up my own practice too - this means finding somewhere to operate from - developing conacts to get referrals - run some closed groups for women only with cheap cheap rates for those who can't afford it. And then maybe set up as an Aftercare for people coming back from treatment centres abroad. This would mean having a space.
Now do I wait for PD to be set up and put my efforts into woring for him? It would be a good team to be i - we do wor well together even though I can gripe at him at times and even disagree with his ways sometimes.
I want to be able to study sot hat means being able to work 4 days per week but want to be earning more money too.
How do I achieve these things Universe? Here are my wants. I need to put a little action in towards acheieving it.
I feel relief about not going to S'ton but need to let them know sooner than later.
I will let N know too sooner than later. I wonder if I can negotiate with him to cover 37.5 hours over 4 days somehow? That would mean doing Aftercare every week but starting at 9 in the morning plus starting at 8. I wonder if they would see a use for that?
I could talk it through with L first. Staying there gives me an opportunity to work through my difficulties. learn to listen and observe in an environment I already know.
She's predictably unpredictable.

So what do you think Universe? Thanks for my tax rebate. I forget to be grateful. It's still a tight struggle but that was a reminder to trust you and handover all my worries to you.
For today I am A.OK

Show me what to do please God. For the best of everyone. x

Showing up for my father

I want to be in a Bauhaus environment - ha ha ha. Tomorrow I'll want something else ....

I'm beginning o embrace the bi-polar in me. Did I tell you that was diagnosed and now getting some real support with this. Finding a way to achieve balance within the polar extremes. It doesn't mean I have to stay on a straight line, there is away to include the variations healthily. I'm not sure how but I am sensing a change.

 

Following a conversation with JB I have been listening this morning to Mike and the Mechanics. I particular The Living Years. Gosh it speaks for a million other people and evidently did followwing the success of the song. As I was watching the You Tube video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8mPS0-2Xq8 I was also struck by Mike Rutherford. I don't know why but he strikes me as a humble man. Here he is with a band that I think he heads up and yet he doesn't want to be front man. It really seemed like a team. I am likely to have completely misread the scene. He stuck with being the musician he was where others I thnk would want or need to be the front man. Knowing one's strengths is a strength indeed. Trying to be strong at everything is not useful to anyone.

 

Anyway - the lyrics - so very different from Peter Gabriels Father ,Son song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXoAF_rBgR8

 

Mike and the mechanics' The Living Years

Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got

You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts

So Don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

Peter Gabriel's Father, Son

Father, son
Locked as one
In this empty room
Spine against spine
Yours against mine
Till the warmth comes through

Remember the breakwaters down by the waves
I first found my courage
Knowing daddy could save
I could hold back the tide
With my dad by my side

Dogs, plows and bows
We move through each pose
Struggling in our separate ways
Mantras and hymns
Unfolding limbs
Looking for release through the pain

And the yogi's eyes are open
Looking up above
He too is dreaming of his daddy's love
With his dad by his side
Got his dad by his side

Can you recall
How you took me to school
We couldn't talk much at all
It's been so many years
And now these tears
Guess I'm still your child

Out on the moors
We take a pause
See how far we have come
You're moving quite slow
How far can we go
Father and son

With my dad by my side
With my dad by my side
Got my dad by my side
With me

The Air That I Breathe

Well I enjoyed the concept and like the idea that inspired the film of a Chinese proverb that breaks life down into four emotional cornerstones – Happiness (Whitaker), Pleasure (Fraser), Sorrow(Gellar), and Love(Bacon). The proverb speaks of these emotions, not as isolated fragments of feelings, but as elements that make up the whole of the human existence. Each of the four protagonists is based on one of the four emotions; and like the proverb their paths are inextricably linked to each other, akin to the Fingers (Garcia) of a hand. (Wikipedia)
To be honest the inter-weaving of the stories seems old hat now. Once I thought it clever and remarkable. Magnolia and Short Cuts are the ones that really spring to mind. There are elements of synchronicity in other films but those two are really based around that idea. I find Andy Garcia a disappointing baddie but type cast really. He cannot compete with Al Pacino.
Apparently the film was a BIG flop at the box office. I understand why. Sarah Michelle Gellar's performance was rated highly. I thought she was OK, but there was nothing outstanding, lots of female actors look and sound similar. Am I too judgemental? Whereas I thought Fraser was acting, nothing like the other films I've seen him in. The thing that redeemed it as a 3 for me was the idea of the emotions, each finding their emotion through adversity. The only let down was the happy ending for Sorrow.


 

Bliss
XX

Wrestling with friendship

A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm not so certain at this moment in time how this quote links with friendships. Especially after this past week of difficulty with a friendship I value greatly. I am seeing less of a need to reference individuals these days. I will leave past posts as they are because they show my journey I think. But today there is no need to talk about a specific individual. It is suffice to say that I know this friendship is of great value to me. I have had a week of fluctuating feelings in this friendship. I have fragile and faulted and fazed within this friendship.
Initially I felt blamed and at the end of anger. It seemed that I was being accused and I really don't think it was all my issue. But what I did was to defend myself. Defending against what? Against feeling faulty and damned. And ultimately against the withdrawal of this valued friendship and then the feelings of rejection and abandonment. The fear of fear itself. Because if abandoned this meant I was a bad person, unlikeable, and left bereft of all the things I valued.
The contention started in an email. Well to be honest it started some time ago. I've felt something between us but it kept going unverbalised. I didn't know what to say so ignored it.Most of the time there was no issues on my part so there was nothing to ignore. But I felt something.
I defended myself in an email - here are my words (I won't be publishing my friends words). It's interesting though how through talking this through I've grown and got more clarity and my opinions have altered on some matters.

Well I hear you. You seem frustrated with me and if that's the case it was not my intention. Quite the opposite. I do read your texts and may not always completely absorb all the detail. Also did not think you were silly I just feel pushed away. I know you've felt that by me especially with SL and JH. I'm not proud of that I must say. Everything changes that's for sure. I'm adjusting to differences, our circumstances have altered course and with it the amount of available time. It does not mean my friendship for you is any less. Quite the opposite. Maybe sometimes I don't show it in my actions all the time but I value you as a person and in my life very much indeed. I have felt incredibly close to you and don't like it when there is a whole bundle of other life things between us so it felt sad to me when you raised the matter of changes. What I heard is that it's how you want it to be. And maybe it is. I'm accepting of it as gradually I change around it. It used to be very easy for me to just change direction completely in such circumstances but in the last 10 years I've been more interested in looking after things I value and that means showing up despite my
fear of rejection. So unless you or any other friends I value were to say "go away" I will show up. I recognise differences in the way we all do things and do just carry on being the way I am just working on changing the bits I don't like. And being more nurturing rather than bitter towards myself on my imperfections. That doesn't mean I'm not sorry when my imperfections impact negatively on other people especially those I really care about. I may have read too harshly into your text. It seems as if you're pretty upset with me. If you are I'm sorry. Your texts and emails mean a lot to me. Sometimes I'm hectic and don't read them fully that's true. I tend to tell you if I haven't had a chance to read them though. Just to try and communicate genuinely. M you matter and as my friend I don't like to think of you feeling depressed or in any sort of pain emotional or otherwise. So really I'm just wanting to show I care and be supportive. If my way of doing that isn't right for you let me know. I'll continue being me otherwise and that can be clumsy and awkward sometimes. Hopefully you can forgive me that as I learn along the way.
Hmmm overall I am OK. Able to enjoy the weekend separating myself from my stress with the work environment. I am very contemplative of every detail of interactions and thoughts. Sort of super aware. I like it but also aware that it's needs balancing. I recognise how it escalates and can be destructive. And yet I really like the sense if being alert and conscious. Also writing writing writing. Reading reading reading, arting arting arting ( I know that's not a verb but it just seems to fit :0 )
S'ton emailed saying they are doing some number crunching so will get back to me - its not a no. Suddenly it's quite scary. Interesting how the idea of ending a job and starting another is more and more challenging whereas in previous times it was just what I did. I know underneath there was terrible fear ( in hindsight) but just did it anyway using external props of course.
Do you mind my emails and texts? Wasn't sure if your comment meant anything more. I am concerned for you - you are my friend and just would like to keep the contact if that's OK. And to know if there's anything I can do? Just want you to know I'm a friend out here who cares despite all my own shit and good stuff going on. Sending a hug and live and hoping any depression or darkness lifts or has lifted

An email response was received

Hello
Yes I've received and read it. All sorts of emotions rose and fell as I read it. Sometimes feeling indignant, sometimes sad, sometimes smiling affectionately and sometimes confused. And other feelings too already forgotten or not knowing the word labels for them. And also very thankful for your honest thoughts.

One thing I would really lie to convey is that I have never, ever been friendly or acted out of a sense of duty. You truly are my friend. You are one of my best friends if not my best friend. When I'm with you it's so easy. You inspire me and I love laughing with you. I think we've had some interesting and fun adventures of varying degrees and I think we've been through a lot together - your life, my life and joint lives. I would always want to support you in what you want to do and not impose me on that.

Over the years it is increasingly obvious that there is no one to blame in any shifting dynamics between two or more people. Each person brings themselves to the relationship and each person therefore has an impact on others. Not rocket science I know.

Yuch yes I have spent many occasions in the past bad-mouthing someone or casting aspersions which of course is all about making myself feel better. It's an ugly trait and something I continuously work on. Usually after some time I see through the situation and get to the point where I can take ownership. K is one of those situations. When she needed people most people were finding it the hardest time to support her. And yet lots of her friends kept showing up despite their difficulties. Barely knowing her I was surprised at how friendly and open she was with me and in hindsight very honoured. Another person has been Sam. I was very hurt by S on more than one occasion and wrongly or rightly need someone to share that with. I believe that it is important to be able to sound off with a trust that I will gradually work through any issues I have with people. I would be very cautious who I speak to about any interactions and attempt more often to be honest with the person directly. Sometimes I need some cooling off time to get to that point and some brainstorming is necessary. As I am growing I am less likely to cast aspersions even with someone like my dad. I have been blaming of L at work but at the same time I see a good person and can acknowledge that too. i am less likely to blame her now and own that I find her way is crazy-making for me. I try more and more to understand that there is no right or wrong. However, people's behaviours do have impacts on me.
Thank goodness I can make amends as well. And I try to implement these by firstly making changes in the way I am - behaviour, attitude, thinking, beliefs. Only then am in a position to say that I'm sorry and that's because I really mean it.
Some people though it's possible to turn up for less often. And this is an area still where I'm confused. It is my desire to be able to be friendly with everyone I encounter in life. To be able to work through my issues with them. Sometimes it is vindicating to know that it is not just me because all too readily I turn to my default of self-hatred and think I am the problem.
Instead it is important to know that each person plays their part. I do think though there are those people with a mal-intent. And is it better to avoid them completely? I am not sure. So long as I keep my faith and strength I think it is possible to find a way through any interaction and be loving and caring.

I appreciate your honesty. It is only with this that there is any chance to work through things.

Right now LouLou is really desperate for the outdoors and doing smelly farts. So I will continue when I return.

An email was received

OK Home again. And LouLou's fed and watered. And my dinner eaten too.

Just had a call with my dad. Unsurprisingly hurtful. And yet again I forgot to prepare myself. Phew it's all too easy to take it personally. He is the way he is and I can find it very difficult and hurtful. It's a wonder I haven't learnt not to be so sensitive around him but the only way I have been able to do that of course is to desensitise and that's been damaging too. So Right now I feel hurt and sad and let down. It hurts in my heart. It will pass just as it did after meeting him a couple of Saturdays ago. I really forget to call out to prepare myself each time. It's amazing to have such a short memory. I can sit and calm now and writing helps. All sorts of ways to find the grace and serenity again. He is a strange fellow in many ways. Apparently there is something medically wrong. He told me that but then refused to say anymore saying that it's private and he wouldn't be telling me how he gets on tomorrow at the hospital either. It's frightening for me. I am afraid of his death. And grief stricken for the years of nasty distance between us. I am reminding myself that it's OK to be hurt and sad and heart-broken. It is part of allowing myself to be who I am.

As far as I'm concerned the friendship I have with you is really important. You matter to me and whenever I call/text/email or ask how you are it's because I mean it. Nothing I do is ever meant to cause you anger upset or hurt. I do make mistakes. I accept that for you the friendship has been changing. You are family to me. As I've always said my home is your home and that has never changed. I encounter other people in my life sure as I go along the journey but that never undermines that you are a top importance to me. Did I really say I don't do best friends? I don't recall. I think it's difficult to have one best friend.  I have a number of friends that I would call best friends and each of you has wonderful qualities bringing different things to me. You always inspire me. I am constantly amazed by what you achieve and you bring newness to me too. I remember learning that SH could not be everything to me and not wanting suddenly to be everything to him. I was overjoyed that he could have different friends and I was learning how to support his choices. This was a big step for me. Perhaps I don't always show just how much you mean to be and I'll be more mindful. I've not ever been very good at knowing how to manage invites from others and how to include everyone. It seems I tend to think very much singularly. A thought just came to me on that matter wondering if that's anything to do with being a single child?? Maybe, difficult to know.
As for saying we hope we didn't take you for granted. Again I don;t recall saying those words. What I do recall is that I always have had a sort of open house policy for you. No one else has ever had that. And I think you have suggested to me in the past that it would be nice to be invited. This is a difference i us as the invitation is a permanent one - whether for lunch dinner or staying for as long as you need. Sometimes I'm busy of course so it's not possible. I haven't been good at practising that differently. I sort of think if I'm doing something and you'd like to come then you would be able to ask me. It's not anything hidden in that purely genuine. Yesterday I mentioned to an FA person I was going to gallery after the meeting - I was amazed that someone would want to come out with me but chuffed when they asked if they could join me. It's sort of the same with you - I never imagine you'd want to spend time with me doing the things that I do but if you do want to I'm absolutely delighted. I love being in your company.


For me the circumstances may have altered because of our mutually busier lives. But also the depth of my friendship for you and like and love have not altered. I think great friendship cuts across time and distance and differences. I think you are saying a similar thing. Friendships evolve and trust develops. I have felt more and more comfortable that whatever you are doing and wherever you are or whatever you are doing that we you will be my friend. I hope it will feel like that for you too.
I have fantastic examples of that too with R and L and many other friends from the past who have come back into my life.
I recently have enjoyed re engaging with K. All these years of differences have just fallen away. There are enormous differences in our values and similarities in other areas. Of great value is knowing each other from the age of 11 and having many shared experiences. It easy to find ways through situations when two people care and matter. So I am changing my behaviour as a show of my sincerity and making amends. I know that I have been remiss with her.
I have been a very unwell person in my mental illness for a very long time and know without doubt I have done a lot of things that will have hurt people. This includes my dad too. Despite all the difficulties I have with him I am not at all proud of the ways in which I've behaved. More and more as I awaken from the depths of everything I see more and more. Everyone has their part to play and I'm learning to be acceptant and understanding without any grievance or grudge and that includes against myself too.

So,  I have taken on board as much as I can from what you've said. I'm bound to make mistakes and over-relate or not fully comprehend all of your messages. Sure you'll make mistakes too and I am sure to get upset or angry at times but I think I know you well enough to know that it'll pass by and can be at ease.

In terms of the request for feedback. I have no recollection of any expectation. Unlike you I don't have a memory like an elephant and sure do remember things with a lot of stuff in between. At the same time any opinions shared are bound to evoke thoughts and feelings as well.
I have no residual hard feelings. I am not harbouring any resentments at all.
I recall you commenting on me less available at the time I was ensconced in SL and JH. Maybe I've over remembered that. It was helpful actually. Even though not immediately. What I'd like is to be consistently me within all my friendships even though me is changing and growing hopefully. It hurts to think that you think you are only a convenience to me. There have been times recently when I purposefully didn't call as you had said you had your head in books. There were times when I was pacing the floorboards wanting to call but thinking you had said you were so busy and stressed. I think sometimes I am afraid of upsetting you and perhaps I should stop over thinking that.

I learnt how upset I was that I' hurt you by being less available. And even more concerned that having brought it to my attention at the time there are other situations that were worse experiences for you.
It sounds as if I've hurt you so much. And that really pains me in my heart to know. I cannot make you trust me or know that my friendship really is very deep. Obviously my actions do not convey that to you. I don't really know how to be different. This is me. I am genuine but only I know that.

I am who I am faults and all. And I guess it's just two people with our different backgrounds having different interpretations on things. I don;t see me as right or wrong or vice versa. By this it does not mean I abscond from responsibility or how you feel as a result of my ways mistakes or not.

As for my friendship with A. It does somehow feel awkward. I've known Abigail some years and feel very honoured that she and her mum include me in their family. I am slowly getting to know R. It's odd though as she has been a client and her good friend was a client. She is my friends sister and I've never really known how to deal with the whole sibling relationship situation. So to date R is someone I am friendly with but I don't consider someone I sit and talk things through or share my life experiences with. Sometimes she is there but mainly I listen to her.
And as for people I meet in FA and AA these days I am practising being more discerning. I have a number of best friends - friendship does require effort. And there is little room for developing effort to the extent of pursuing anything deep with people. I'm sure as time goes on there will be one or two people who will become more friends than fellows. I do not make any distinction apart from right at this moment there are lots of people I am friendly with but not friends and like yesterday would even do something outside of the FA room with if the occasion arose spontaneously like that. Going up to the meeting I often travel with someone who gets on the train at Guildford. This is all new for me. Learning discernment and timeliness instead of gushing. And there have been disastrous effects by getting overly involved simply or the common denominator of being in the same fellowship. Equally some really wonderful friendships have developed from adverse situation R and A are two as we were all in the crazy world of R P. However I was gushingly friendly with many others but none of those supposed friendships stuck.
You and I met through being introduced and this is another way contacts occur and evolve. Not every introduction has developed into a friendship like I have with you.

I like meeting people and I love seeing people together. As I am feeling better about myself it is somewhat easier to be amongst people although my thinking and self-hatred is the final frontier to stand between me and being at ease amongst people. However I am at ease with you and with some others too - for this I am truly grateful. It's an environment where I can just be without trying so hard. The problem is with the guard down I am bound to get it wrong.

I am writing this just revealing thoughts that are occurring to me. I am sure my opinions can be changed with different input from you. Already I have different views on things as a result of reading what you've written.

I think you may have misinterpreted me when I say easy to be around. I'm sorry it felt like a kick in the teeth. I'm not clear what you think I meant. What I mean is that with you I can be myself more easily. I can meander along chatting or find interest in what you are doing or saying. I can be how I feel a lot of the time when I'm aware what that is. Sometimes I'm a little cautious as I can get scared of upsetting you. That's my issue not yours. And so it's important to clarify any misunderstandings. It may not be how it at first appears. I mean that both ways not uni-directional.

I'm just flicking through your email again now and picking out things that you've aid that may not have been clarified on my part.
I've probably missed some things. I'm feeling quite sad now but also happy that you to value the friendship. Yes being in any kind of relationship brings it's difficulties I guess but the positive always outweigh the difficulties and makes it worth working through.
Thank you for your honesty. If ever you think I'm over-relating please tell me at that point if you can. IS it best to just quietly listen. In my job I can listen and at times interject. As just me in a personal relationship I still don;t really know how to respond to someones intense emotions. I know how I feel as I listen. What do you do to show that you acknowledge peoples feelings?

Keep the communication channels open. I appreciate it.

Oh I see an email has come in - byeeeeeeee
And I'd like you to know that I love you very much indeed.
xx
No I certainly didn't take it as a criticism. Rather I am very aware of my ability to sound off in some situations.

And thank goodness for differences - it would be rather boring if we were the same - so middle class according to Grayson Perry's findings. My interpretation not what he said. Not that I don;t think I can be middle class in ideals but in reality I am working class. I'm so bloody mixed up I have no idea who or what I am really. I am me. And that's all I need to be concerned about really.

And I really think that it is through good friendships who stick around despite all the shit that there can be learning about self. So thanks for sticking around despite all the shit and the sorrow and the fun and the laughter and the newness and the pain and hurt and the joy and the peace and calm and the past we have together and hopefully more past to be developed as we trundle off into the future.
I do know you care - as you say if it didn't matter it wouldn't hurt and if it didn't hurt we'd have parted company long ago.
You've been in my life through some really troublesome times. You've been a really good friend to me - lent me money, housed me when I really was crazy, listened and listened and listened to my endless ramblings. I think there is an element of "high" in some of those times. You've had to hear my suicidal blackness. You've had to witness my anger and my terror at times too.
You know more about me truly than anyone else in the entire universe. God poor you.

Thank you for being my friend
XXX

ps I keep receiving calls from I. Do you remember he was the therapist who there was a lot of trouble with. Due to the confidentiality I was obliged not to say anything. Police were involved. It was a very horrible time. It is now a couple of years and I've encountered him since - he was doing well at that time. I'm hoping these silent calls are an error on his part- sitting on the call button or something. But I got a blank text as well. With my slight int of paranoia right now it's a little worrying. Anyway it seems to have stopped in the last 20 minutes. It's been going on since about 6:20. I answered the first call and we have a conversation. That seemed genuine although I was slightly concerned. Since then there's been an endless stream of calls with no sound and one text that was blank. I started answering it and putting it on mute and each time it was cut off eventually then called back again. Weird shit goes down from time to time.

Another email received

Give you more credit? Oh my comments are in no way making a statement about what you think or don't think. They are merely my thoughts on this matter of friendship. I am not making any criticism of you  merely meandering around my thoughts.

It is not an email to say you re thinking any way in particular. Just picking up on things you've said and how my thoughts ebb and flow. Experiences I've had and how your friendship matters etc etc.
I hear how you tell me you are not pushing me away. I accept that. I acknowledge that things have changed but for me the depth of my friendship has not changed. I do acknowledge exactly what you say but that doesn't mean I think or feel the same way. We have different views of things and I am not saying you are right or wrong or that I am right or wrong.
I am not making a statement about you, simply putting my thoughts forward which may not agree with yours.
How can I hear you in the way you want me to hear you.
I accept that things have changed - circumstances have yes I know that they have. That means that the way in which we interact changes. But from my point of view the depth of my friendship for you hasn't altered.
Its a different thing in my book. But that doesn't mean that I don't acknowledge what you are saying.

 Prior to our lives getting more hectic I think we both had more time to be able to meet up more regularly, even talk on the phone more regularly. It's little to do with A to be honest. She has her way of living. She very kindly looks after LouLou every day. And I collect LouLou every evening. We chit chat and often walk too. It's simply a different type of connection with Abigail at this time. When I first got into recovery I had to let go of our friendship for a time. She would not believe that I was an alcoholic. She has fought against the FA stuff too but I know and can stand firm as I feel the freedom. This time I am better placed to continue to be in the friendship. I am learning and growing.

When I was with SH I would get into such trouble with him because I would spend time with friends. It would cause terrible arguments but I always battled because my friendship and commitment to my friendships mattered. He never did get over it. It was another of his reasons for wanting to split up. He could not accept that I had friends and they mattered. I was not prepared to give up on my friends. He would complain that I spoke to my friends on the phone. It was a horrible time. I on the other hand was delighted to be able to support him spending time with his friends - he took this mean that I didn't care. it was quite the opposite. I was at one time very jealous of his female friends - I worked so hard on my insecurity to be able to let go and allow him his choices. And to show trust.

I'm not awkward with A herself. There's an awkwardness about your thoughts on my friendship with A. I'm not really sure what it is. It seems to be a point of comparison or something but I'm really not sure. I will try and get some clarity when I can and try to let you know when I know.
Scared - well like I said my fears are my issues. I can't think of any specific examples right now because I'm so tired
In fact I'm so tired I think it would be sensible to go to sleep now.

Will you meet your mother? I know it's so difficult for you at times.
Not sure what to say about missing your father. It's painful I know.

Take good care of yourself especially with these strong feelings related to your parents.
Sending you my love - that's very real

Another brief email saying she wished she hadn't started all of this (can't say I blame her) was received

OK - I'm taking in what you've written.
On reflection perhaps me sharing my thoughts and feelings is an example of relating which then appears as if I'm not taking notice of what you're saying.


I will re-read your emails and take notice of your thoughts and feelings without my own getting in the way.
It may be necessary for me to clarify what I've understood when I see you.
I'm looking forward to seeing you Wed/Thurs.
As you have a key please feel free to arrive whenever suits you. Perhaps your opportunity to have a peaceful bath?

And then a long email

 Hello. Yes I read your email whilst eating my lunch.
L on hols and S off sick so work alone again.
It's hectic. Pleased that I can graciously accept this. I was fed up about it this morning but simply getting on with all that I can do. Realise how much I dislike having to let things go. A sense of letting people down and I should be able to do it all. But then I just get huffy and resentful.
Just got an hour now before another group and then a family session after work hours. Thankfully getting paid for it so it makes it easier to take on. A consequence of not recruiting and then colleagues over stretched now ill.
It's good to be able to be flexible and agreeable and humble in my behaviour and gracious in my attitude.
It's only when I get myself embroiled in my resentments that it all goes tits up!!!! I suppose I expect someone to be grateful but even that I can let go of by acknowledging it.


Anyway all this aside and the situation with my dad - I'm glad you have not buried any of your thoughts just because there are things happening in my life. There are rarely times when something isn't occurring for each of us.
I'm grateful for your openness and honesty. It gives me a lot to think on. And it's interesting hearing your ideas on my behaviour patterns. Thank you.


I read with a determined focus  on understanding how things have been for you. So hopefully I have better taken that on board. Rather than wanting to express myself. Glad you persevere with me.


Hopefully we'll get some chat time on Thursday.


Can you send me details please of the venue and times so that I can work out getting there and parking and so on.
Right. Back to work. Hopefully we'll speak before Wed or Thurs. and wait to hear whether you'll overnight or meet en route or at the venue.

And then an email with some really nice comments ...

Thank you for your text.
I am taking time to really absorb everything that you've said.
I love all the adventures we've had. I am always thrilled by the things we plan and do. It's a lot of fun.
I often think back over places, events, people etc sometimes chuckling. I regularly have watery eye chuckles at the day of laughter over Skype even though I can't remember specifically what it was about. My sides hurt and I love those shared nutty moments and memories between us. Not to mention the hours of talking things over and under, probably far too much analysis at times on my part, and all a part of my journey, with your involvement, towards enlightenment. All of these things are really meaningful to me.


So you may or may not get the general gist by reading just my thoughts and opinions. Interestingly a friend said that she saw me defending myself throughout and no certainty about myself at all. It was as a result of this conversation combined with another FA call that I came to realise that my depth of friendship and my loyalty to the friendship is strong. I am a loyal friend but I am full of defects. Which means that I make mistakes but never with the intention of causing harm. In further discussions including this point it became apparent that this might have been perceived as an excuse linked with perceptions of family members in her past using similar statements. I was very clear that it is no way an excuse not to make changes and to ignore the impact of of my mistakes and how my friend was feeling. I have reiterated that I value the communications because that's the only way I can learn how I impact on other people - even though at times it's difficult to hear. Once again I have learnt the importance to listen and observe. There isn't always a need to say anything. I can ask questions as a way of acknowledging what I've heard or by summarising to make sure that's a correct understanding. Counselling techniques are really just effective ways of communicating in general relationships too. It was said that I do not share my own feelings about being on the receiving end of her. I said that I have been sharing my thoughts and feelings throughout and she said perhaps she is not recognising them clearly. So again I can try to be more open and honest. It's interesting how closed I come across to her. I wish to open that up and ensure that it is a two-way friendship. It is ever evolving that's for sure.
Through the week we have talked more and more and I think I have listened better. I hope so at least.
I noticed when she said she feels jealous of my interactions with others I felt afraid that she would punish by withdrawing. My fear of having other friends then becomes silence. I think she was recognising her behaviour in that herself without me needing to verbalise my fear. She said that in a childish way her jealousy becomes her not giving of herself either to avoid being hurt. So together we have covered a lot of ground and together we have a lot of growing up in the friendship to do. I think she will feel glad that she has raised the issues and there is a humility I can choose to hold on to that I hadn't needed to but there is the ego in me the pride that says why didn't I raise things first. Well to this point I haven't known what it was or what to say. So it's OK.
God help me to be wise within this friendship and to be open and honest with discretion, compassion and love. There is peace and fun to be had together. I want to show how much I value my friends in my actions. Thank you God for bringing this to me and for now showing me how to grow as a good friend.

Oh and the link with the quote. I recognise I can worship the idea of friendship for selfish reasons. For the reason of the fear of being alone and without and lacking in fun and inspiration. Yet this has never ever been the case. When I worship friendship rather than the person I cannot be wholesome and this is something I wish to move away from, so help me God. With God's grace I am learning and growing and becoming a better friend, Thank You God.
So yes I see that my determination to keep the friendship determines how I can be manipulative and secretive and fundamentally very self-centred. I wish to change, it's ugly. What I sow I reap as another quote says. And I become what I worship - in this case and idea only, not something at all real.
Value rather than worship. Value the person not the want.

Bliss
XX

An article taken from this Blog - http://blog.melschwartz.com/2010/06/03/who-am-i/?goback=%2Egmr_2316564%2Egde_2316564_member_126718945

Who Am I?

Posted on June 3, 2010 by Mel Schwartz

This question — asked so often — suggests that there is actually a plausible answer. Almost as if our being were a fixed thing. People who ask this sort of question are typically struggling with their identity and are searching for a core sense of themselves. The irony is that the more you seek to identify who you are, the more fragile you are likely to feel about yourself. There may be an inverse correlation between the question being asked and the ease with which you experience your life. The emphasis shouldn’t be on discovering who you are (what is buried beneath) but on facilitating the emergence of what you’d like to experience.

Our identity should be seen as an ongoing process. Rather than a static snapshot, we should embrace a flowing sense of self, whereby we are perpetually re-framing, re-organizing, re-thinking and re-considering ourselves. How different would life be if rather than asking who am I, we contemplated how we’d like to engage life?

A sense of inadequacy often informs the question around “who am I?” As people engage the deepening complexity of understanding themselves, they would fare much better to devote themselves to the unfolding process of life. Witnessing our thoughts, not reacting out of old habit, and becoming present enable us to better craft our lives. As such, the identity that we seek fires the wave of life, enriched by the flow.

Imagine that you’ve been in prison for twenty years, incarcerated since the age of eighteen. You literally have no adult life experience outside of the penitentiary. Your sense of self is tragically limited. You might ask yourself, “Who am I? This would likely provoke a fragile sense of self that paradoxically might leave you most apprehensive about your imminent release. You’d hardly choose to remain imprisoned until you could find your identity. You’d have to permit that new sense of self to flow from your new experiences.

I have worked with people who have been married more or less for their entire adult lives. Upon divorce they are often confronted with a distressing thought. They claim that they don’t know who they are. More to the point, they may not know who they are as a single, autonomous adult, not partnered. After all, how could they? Rather than remaining mired in fear, you’d need to summon up a sense of wonder and adventure. There is a new sense of self waiting to be born. You get to re-craft yourself along the way.

At the other end of the identity continuum are those who claim to know themselves so well. This other extreme also signifies a fragility about one’s identity. To know yourself so well, leaves no room for growth. Even more, it suggests a deep vulnerability that is being defended against — as if it were too dangerous to take a closer look.

It makes perfect sense to seek a deeper sense of self. To become intimately aware of your thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears is obviously advisable. The key is to engage your sense of self as malleable, more like a willow tree than a sturdy oak. The willow is flexible and survives the storm as it bends with the wind, whereas the more rigid oak is more likely to crack.

The universe purportedly exists in a state of flowing potential. And it is essential to understand that we are indeed part of that universe. The goal then is to access that potential, keeping the parts of our identity that continue to serve us well and shedding the old, habitual pieces that constrain us. This process is known as positive disintegration. This permits us to find balance between the extremes previously discussed and enter into a relationship with self that commits to our personal evolution.

And some of my ow meandering throughts ...

I thought this was a well considered opinion of the concept of learning about self.

I agreed with the idea of the willow tree. Getting to understand myself in the varied situations life brings is important I believe. Forever taking steps to bring to my consciousness my motives, my emotions, my thoughts, my beliefs and questioning those too. Being curious for the purpose of obtaining THE knowledge reminds me of the oak tree referred to. It's too rigid, no flexibility, no give, no humanness. Curiosity though can be wonder and awe. Curiosity killed the cat they say, but curiosity can also be a useful contributor in creating awareness and providing newness and adaptability. Taking a moment to assess my inquisitive agenda is a useful tool.

Then I begin to see who I am rather than s who I am.

I also like the suggestion that who I am is informed by who I've been. This can be limiting in itself and so the positive thinking about every new experience being and adventure and an opportunity can relieve me from the constant fear I live in. Yet I have the desire for adventure and new experiences. There is a big wide world out there but there is a bigger world inside that often goes unexplored. For every situation wouldn' it be fun and interesting to take a look inside and experience both simultaneously. I have thrilling moments of self awareness. A real sense of "oh, that's why", when I really sense the something inside coordinating with the something outside.

And the idea that who I am is ever shifting according to the current environment. But to know that my perception is influenced from experiences from the past. And each of those experiences has been guided by my perspectives from before that and so on. I truly believe that my sense of the world, everything and everyone in it starts at conception. Sameroff's Transactional Analysis applies from that very moment. He attempts to present a simple model of the complexity of being a being on this complex and delicate interconnections of this planet. How awesome is that? I get an acceptation of the magnitude of the Universe. Al the energies flowing and complimenting or contrasting or conflicting. When I can go with the flow of that i realise I don't need to understand, it just is and I am simply a part of "it" all. The problem arises when I am afraid and want to know absolutely. When I want certainty. When I am desiring to know then there is likely to be fear. I can take a look at the fear the more conscious I become. And then I have the chance to go through the fear. I can accept it as a part of who I am. Like the prisoner stepping out of prison for the first time in 25 years. It must be a terrifying experience. I suppress that fear for the fear of being vulnerable and being taken advantage of. That's my experience somehow of being vulnerable. I can look back and see how situations thought my childhood development have contributed to that perception that the unknown is frightening. Equally I can see the influence on my need to cover up vulnerability. And that is no ones, absolutely no one, fault. Each of us throughout the generations are simpy trying to do our best but we are defective and that's that. I have some understanding of why my dad behaved in the way he did and still does. He has to cover his vulnerability. When I've stopped to listen to his stories of his own past, his experiences taught him to find coping strategies that were probably taught to him and taught from the previous generation and the generation before that and so on. The lessons get distorted and contorted and adapted to the current social influences no doubt. The end result is in my behaviours, attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, and emotions today. What I can do is sift out what is actually not working anymore and with help learn new ways of being that are more conducive to who I want to be.

And this is where I like the idea in the Blog that as I become more conscious I am better able to choose who I would like to be and explore within the situation how I can achieve that.

Just some ideas from the armchair, theory is great but action is the evidence of knowledge, that I thought I'd share with you. I would be very interested to know what your interpretation of this might be if you feel so inclined to share them with me.

Bliss

XX

Passion brings life struggles and thereby emotions

Our job is to monitor our emotions and continue to operate with good grace. Another choice is to desensitise and remove from struggles through addiction, through isolation, through emotional detachment, etc but with it goes any passion. These things are intrinsically linked. I want to feel passion. It brings also with it invigoration and energy, motivation to do more, experience and absorb more. All I need to do is learn acceptance and ways through the emotions as they arise. If I keep my faith then trust will carry me through any situation and any emotional response. So long as I monitor my response to my feelings. Out with reaction and in with awareness of behaviours, attitude, beliefs, motives, thinking and opinions.



Henry Ward Beecher said "No emotion, no more than a wave, can long retain it's own individual form". Quoted at the beginning of the film The Air That I Breathe by . This film was given just 2 stars by Empire. Interesting. It does seem a little cartoony but I've only just started watching it. Let's see what unfolds before making a decision. Having seen that though I am immediately influenced, so uncertain of my own judgements and wanting to appear intellectual and insightful rather than influenced by dross and lack of taste. Ha! This is funny having watched Grayson Perry's 3 part series on taste through the classes. I realised that the lower class have the most fun, wanting to be part of and samey but pretty relaxed about it and not trying to impress. It matters to me what I lie and don't like because of what other people will know about me. I think they'll see my lack of a creative mind and uneducated. Blimey! How did I ever get to be so shallow?
Until seeing that quote at the start of the film The Air That I Breathe, I had not heard of Henry. So reading his story was interesting. And even more interesting that despite being the centre of a highly publicised court case for adultery, there is no film produced about him. His life sounds worthy of more public awareness. He was heavily involved in abolitionism and a supporter for the women's suffragettes of the mid-1800's in America. A man one would think worthy of his story being told including the salubrious affair. A theologian, he advocated that sin was a temporary state of being for man and mankind, "which the love of God could burn away as a fierce noonday sun dries up a noxious mold," (Wikipedia).
So turning towards God means being loving from the heart. And then aware of my heart any sin is something I would (and do) want to address. I want to be closer with God's love for everyone and everything. This requires me being rigorously honest. Which I am not always but doing my best to correct this.
When I claim dishonesty, it could be something that on the surface appears slight and forgivable. As an example to some it may be quite acceptable to say I feel fine when in fact I am really in pain through trying to suppress specific feelings. This truly comes into action when I am particularly afraid of a person. I am unlikely to express my fear. The fear of being vulnerable stops that. For example being afraid that M will withdraw her friendship, but then to be vulnerable about that with her seems to me to be inappropriate. But instead of talking about this with others, I struggle away with it, acting out in less than honest ways. For example I was not saying when I was meeting up with other people that she knows as well. Without knowing why I felt afraid that if I did she would become upset with the situation, put the blame on me and then withdraw from me. And indeed speaking earlier today she owned how she can feel jealous and abandoned and her response is to withdraw in various ways. She described it as a childish response. It was good to hear that. I was able to speak about my apparent secrecy. I recognise now that there are many times and things I share with no one. Not out of a knowing need to deceive or keep secrets. Consciously there seems to be no need to tell anyone. My mum used to say I appear to simply take everything in my stride. I get on with things. Without passion perhaps or without showing anything at all. Because if I did then what? Would it be because I would be questioned or told not to and I want to. Perhaps it's because I don;t think anyone would be particularly interested or care? Often it just does not seem to occur to me to tell people what I'm doing or thinking. I just do things. For example. People don't know I write a Blog. Some of it I wouldn't them to read as there are inner thoughts that are part of processing and not the full and final result. People would be offended if they knew all my workings out I feel sure. Then there are things that I've done that I feel ashamed of. However, these things are the truth of me. I am imperfect and my processing is often flawed. Especially when I keep it private. I can be convincing. That's why it's better to talk things through and get others opinions or individuals meanings and intentions clarified. So I am interested in why I don't tell people things. By talking about this during the morning with K she suggested I sit back with God and thank Him for helping me to open and free with other people. "Thank you God for helping me with this" I believe this is for a good cause including feeling better with myself but also to show to others that I trust them. I think this will also show that I value them. Would it? It might help M to trust me more and I would feel better that I'm showing her how much I value her. Thank God for the creation of this awareness. I think it's probably just the start of it but it's giving me something to think about and now I need Your help to make changes.
It was lovely speaking with K this morning as well and hearing how she is praying for God to help to find compassion. This links strongly with my hope that can listen more to people. Thank you God for showing me how to have compassion and to be able to listen to people. If I can observe how things unfold then I think I step back from the emotion and that then doesn't drive the next best thing I do. If I observe I create more time to invite God into the situation or interaction. If I observe then there is time to ask God if my action is necessary, appropriate and truthful. Slowly, slowly improving.

Well Southampton are honouring my leave and study days. They have not confirmed whether I could claim a fixed monthly amount for the petrol. They are offering either OT or a change in times when the other person is away. She will check about additional 1:1's which are paid at £40 per hour rather than £35. I just can't decide whether the extra travel is worth it or not. 8am until 5pm 3 days a week and 8am until 9pm every Tuesday. God please show me what is the best thing to do here. I am off sick today so perhaps I can sit back in some quiet time and contemplate this.
If the EHDC housed me in Grayshott this would help. I have submitted the forms and trusting that being employed and earning won't affect my rent and security here but that they will also consider me favourably to relocate closer to Arford. That's what I'd like but I trust God has in store for me what is best. I do not go with the Calvinist belief, at least I think I've briefly understood this correctly, that Calvinists believe that our paths are predestined by God. I don't know why but it just seems too convenient. It does mind circles with me. Because I think that choices take us into different directions. If my relationship at home would have been different then perhaps depression and addiction would never have been triggered. However, there is a degree of predisposition within genetics. For example I do believe that the gene is there but will not necessarily be triggered. Circumstances will cue the sequence of events that will result in addiction for example. And then there is the environmental influences, such as Nixon's need for votes from the farmers and housewives contributing to fence to fence farming, resulting in a surplus of corn waste that two Japanese scientists used in the production of corn syrup, contributing to increased processed foods and resulting in addiction and obesity. Then the greed for power food industry capitalising on this and being a contributory factor in my own food addiction to sugar, flour and quantity. Nothing stands alone. It's all so very complex but also so very obvious. Interconnections that only Universal Energy can have an overview on but surely not a destiny already written?
K was talking about compassion explained through her Priest. She recounted her understanding from the Priests use of the parable about the Good Samaritan. The Priest said that Jesus uses this parable to illustrate eternal life which is what a lawyer questioned of him. K sees eternal life as serenity and peace within. Interesting as eternal life means to me the legacy that I leave behind even if it it isn't a direct quote or reference to me. The legacy I wish to leave behind is serenity and grace which means I need to work towards it myself before it can be passed on in any shape or form. Not find it but be working towards it.

The Good Samaritan by William Hogarth

According to the Priest Jesus said there are just two things the lawyer needed to do to be assured of eternal life. 1 - the love of God and 2 - the love of thy neighbour. But what does loving thy neighbour actually mean? It means to have compassion. Which interestingly is a part of what the Dalai Lama was saying. To have mutual respect for each others differences, cultural, social, beliefs, physical, spiritual or religious, educational, environmental and emotional. There could probably be more. The Dalai Lama was also saying this means to have compassion for the different struggles and how these manifest through people. Struggles as we know are a sign of passion and as I suggest passion will emerge as energy through emotions and actions. Communicating openly and honestly through listening and observing will serve us/me well. So the Priest went on to explain the story of the Good Samaritan. Firstly a Priest passed by the man in need. But he was on his way to a important destination. He had spent a week being cleansed in preparation for this place he was heading. To stop and help would mean taking him off schedule and inconvenience him because he would have to return to the starting point to be cleansed. Yes he would be too greatly inconvenienced to be able to stop and help. The second person passing was by was following the Priests lead. If this Holy man, a Priest could not delay his journey to help then helping was of less importance. So the second man did not help the man in need. However the third man, who was completely out of his home environment, went out of his way to help. He had compassion for this man in need despite the great cost to himself of time and money. He felt compassion in his heart and it was this that more than anything else made him want to help. I will add here that I think there is caveat to ensure that help given is actually the help wanted and needed. I think there are a lot of people who might impose their idea of help upon others. It's a form of conceit and power I think.
The thing is and as K said there are things that I really couldn't care less about. I am not really worried about such as uhhmmmmm well uhmmmm I would say world conservation t the level that I really take action. Or the plight of the film industry with piracy via the Internet escalating and seemingly beyond control. I'm aware but do I care? Not really fully but sort of. The thing is I want to care about things, people, places. This is where passion is, this is where emotions can be found. If I am not compassionate there is room for behaviours to be guided by emotions such as jealousy and fear and anger. God please help me to change my heart. SH used to say don't care was meant to care. I don't truly understand the sentence but I understand the meaning. When I don't care about something perhaps I need to take another look and find out what is really going on. I recall being in group and listening to a lady whose son had been killed in a tragic accident. Furthermore, her husband was disappearing from her with Alzheimer's. She had been so in love with this man but now she was having to watch him disappear and yet still be there. Not having had these experiences but having experienced the death of my mum I thought that I knew the experience. It was someone else who said I cannot imagine how this must be for you. I observed how this lady suddenly felt heard and understood. There was a release of emotion from her and a sudden warmth from her that at last someone cared enough to hear what it was like for her and stop telling how she needed to be. This was a lesson but not lesson enough. Please God help me to listen with respect, trying to understand what it's like for the person. Please give me the questions to ask that helps them to express so that I can understand better and they can have faith in my care - friends, family, clients, colleagues, passers-by. Please help me to have compassion and to be able to support them however seems appropriate, finding the balance between meeting their needs and not enabling their wants. Please help me to show their value from my love for them. And this way show me how to be gracious and contribute to peace. Thank you God.
Thank you God for the last call I received from S. Amazing how she actually used examples from her FA experiences to exemplify not being heard and feeling really respected and listened to. of course she had her part when a few years ago in FA she was stating her case for Ramadan. Her awareness each year has grown and she could see today how she was manipulating for the sake of the food by saying that the large feasts in the evenings were all a part of the culture but now she is seeing how she was eating differently from others. She would binge and feast whilst she sees recently that people take their plate and then wrap food up to use throughout the week. I asked her the significance of Ramadan. S explained that it was recognised within her faith that food is something that takes one away from their conscience and so this period of fasting over a month is a time to remove the obsession and indeed any other habitual behaviours such as smoking to make the room for more mindfulness and meditation. It is also a time to remember people who don't have as much or anything at all. Everyone has something even if it's inner something but I guess you'll know what I mean. I'm sure there is more to know but this was it in a nutshell. How interesting that recognition of food being the focus and the time made to remove it and change the focus. And also how striking that she should be calling to say how she felt really delighted with the response of her current sponsor. In the past she was met in her opinion with rigidity and no room for supporting her religious practises. I asked how it was different and how she felt respected and listened to. She said this sponsor asked her questions and thanked S for being so informative and helping the sponsor to understand better this time. The suggestion has been to take some quiet time. Her sponsor will talk to her sponsor and there is experience already within the rooms when people are practising the Jewish faith and Yom Kippor. There is always a solution it doesn't have to be a no! This was another level of interest for me. I am recognising a rigidity in the lineage I am with. There is no room for manoeuvre. At this time it suits me well. I know it's working and to be honest I haven't asked too many questions of it. I was surprised that I could have basil leaves within my salad and delighted to be able to too. But things like exotic fruits. Who says they are exotic? I have been fortunate enough to have worldwide fruits since a child because my mum brought them back from her travels. Now all sorts of fruits are easily accessible from supermarkets. Does this make them exotic because they are not grown here. But an apple might be exotic in another climate. Anyway it is a little niggle in the back of my mind so this was enlightening. There is recovery to be had within any situation.
Now I was really pleased to be able to speak with S and ask her questions so that I understood. I also listened to her talk about her course in which she has realised that she and her boyfriend need to talk about their long term plans and see the familiar grounds and understand where they are heading as individuals and together. I liked this. She is on a management course. I wonder how often we all sit and consider our short, mid and long term plans.
I quite easily sit here just trudging along with great ideals but  no real sense of what I want to be doing in a years time or 2 or 5 years time. I am aware that there is a short life span amongst the females in my mums family so it would be a good idea to put some focus into this - mindfulness.
So many subjects covered today just through talking and time to consider them.
And all so very connected. Mutual respect, compassion, love and peace. IN that order it seems to me as well
Thank God for bringing these messages to me to consider and thank you for helping me to put these into action.

Bliss
XX

Breivik Trial

Anders Breivik trial: A 10-week ordeal

By Steve Rosenberg BBC News

For the families of his victims, and survivors, the 10-week trial of Anders Breivik has been deeply painful. It's also been a harrowing experience for the journalists.

On 22 July 2011, Anders Breivik killed 77 people.

The next morning I flew from Moscow to Oslo to cover the story. Once in Norway, I drove to the shores of the stunningly beautiful Lake Tirifjorden.

A boatman took me out on the crystal clear waters and we sped towards the tiny island of Utoeya. We couldn't land - there was a police cordon around the island - but we got close enough to see the body bags which the police had yet to remove.

Over the next few days I heard horrific stories from survivors, and witnessed a nation in shock and in mourning.

Nine months later I was back in Oslo, sitting in a courtroom - just two metres away from the man who'd carried out mass murder. It was the first day of his trial.

I was in the front row of the press section; Anders Breivik was sitting with his defence lawyers at a table right in front of me

Everyone in the courtroom that day was staring at Breivik.

I stared too, partly out of disbelief that any human could do what he'd done and, partly, in an attempt to understand what kind of a person this was. Was he insane or simply evil?

I attended the trial again two weeks later; it was another opportunity to watch Breivik close-up.

What I found difficult was connecting the picture in court with the crime. As the smartly-dressed Breivik sat in the dock, responding calmly to prosecutors' questions, he looked and sounded more like an insurance salesman than a mass murderer.

He was trying to convince the court to buy his story that the slaughter had been a political act. When he described his crimes, his voice contained no hint of remorse. And when he listened to others recounting the bloodbath, his face displayed no emotion.

From time to time he would sip water or scribble notes. Most of the time he just stared into space. It was as if Breivik had built a giant wall inside his mind to stop any feelings from squeezing through and making him crumble.

For the families of his victims, and for those who survived his attacks and who've been present in court, this trial has been a deeply painful event.

It has been an emotional experience, too, for many of the journalists covering it. I'll never forget what happened the day Breivik spoke about his cold, calculated killing spree on Utoeya Island.

“The power of words. That's what I'll remember most about this trial”

I'd left the courtroom and was watching his testimony on a large video screen in the courthouse press centre, just along the corridor. Breivik described what he admitted were "gruesome, barbaric acts".

He recalled how his victims had frozen in panic, unable to run, and how he'd calmly reloaded his gun and shot them, and how he'd tricked other young people out of their hiding places, then gunned them down too.

At that moment, I looked around the press centre. There were rows and rows of reporters, their heads buried in their laptops as they hurried to reproduce Breivik's words - and many of them were in tears at what they were having to type.

Words. The power of words. That's what I'll remember most about this trial.

Over 10 weeks, so many terrifying words have been spoken in Courtroom 250; the words of coroners in the 77 autopsy reports; detailed descriptions of how victims were hunted down and shot; words of pain from their families.

Words which journalists covering the trial have had to type, tweet, despatch and broadcast to the world.

It was often the simplest words which proved to be the most upsetting. Like the brief messages from victims' families which followed each coroner's report.

"Daddy, YOU were the best in the world."

Or this one: "She could have done so much for her family, her friends, her country. Now her dreams are buried deep in the soil".

And this message from the relatives of a 15-year-old victim: "She was a cheerful girl, always there for others. She was one of the last people killed on Utoeya. In a mobile telephone call from there she'd told her family how much she loved them."

I found that sometimes words from the Breivik trial would lie in my mind like timebombs - and only later, back at the hotel, or back home, they were detonated - and the full horror of what had been said and what had happened, would hit home.

If they'd had that effect on me, I can hardly begin to imagine what effect those words will have had on those Breivik had tried to kill, and on the families of those he DID murder.

I remember that when the first week of the trial was over, and I'd finished my reporting, I dashed off to the airport to fly back to Moscow.

Everything that day had been such a rush, there hadn't really been time for me to digest the full horror of what Breivik had been saying.

I'd transcribed his words, of course, and reported them. But oddly enough it was only once I'd made it to the airport, passed security and paused, that I was hit by a sickening feeling about what I'd been listening to.

Suddenly I spotted a children's shop with a beautiful display of coloured pencils outside. I walked up to the display and stood there, it must have been five minutes - just looking at this little island of colour and beauty.

Anyone watching me must have thought I was mad. But at that moment I just wanted to experience something nice, something positive, to restore my faith in the world.

Now this trial is over and Norway awaits the final word - the judgement of the Oslo District Court.

Will the judges declare Anders Breivik criminally insane and commit him to long term psychiatric care? Or will they conclude he was mentally competent at the time of the killings and send him to prison?

Either way, Anders Breivik is expected to be locked up for the rest of his life. So does it matter where?

To Breivik it does. He maintains he's sane, he seeks a prison sentence, to burnish his claims that he is a political prisoner.

So that HIS words, against multiculturalism and Muslim immigration, are not dismissed as the words of a madman.

The Exterminating Angel

A good film. Black and White and of course dated in many ways but what a great dilemma with no rationale. It;s wonderful that Bunuel was so confident to leave the questions completely unanswered. The society Spaniards cannot leave the room. The staff of the house want to leave the house without real explanations. No one can get out and no one can enter, until Silvia Pinal's character Leticia notices they are all in exactly the same positions they had been in all those nights ago when the nightmare had begun. It was interesting listening to Silvia's interview after the film. All of the cast had been asking questions of their characters and the plot but without explanations ever being offered. And Bunuel apparently brought into the film his own bizarre experiences from life, such as  scene when the women emerge from the toilet having seen an eagle 40 foot below them. Apparently this was reference to a climbing trip Bunuel made. Relieving himself over the side of the mountain he witnessed an eagle flying beneath him. David Lynch comes to mind but different too. Both seem surrealists in their unique ways.
I recommend it. And there are many thoughts I had throughout the film, lots of questions. What was probably most expected was the social dysfunction that emerged. The need to blame, despair even suicide, helplessness, greed and underhandedness for self gain. Then there were the odd few with integrity and dignity throughout and natural leaders too. Oh and loyalty to the ones with dignity despite the mob turning against the Master of the house.

Very interesting and definitely worth a viewing.











Have a watch!

Bliss
xx

Dalai Lama in Aldershot

I was there! He was there! It wasn't easy to really make out what he was saying clearly. But I liked his reminder that the Buddha is within and this lifetime is about getting in touch with the Buddha within. Serenity and Grace comes from being in touch with the Buddha within. My words not his. And he talked about mutual respect, peace, compassion and love. All things I really aspire to. But fall short of as son as my fear is tapped into. I have hope that if I keep practising the principles of quiet time. thought and prayer and bringing Buddha and the essence of Buddha, or God, into my daily life then I can be loving, compassionate and peaceful with anyone. I pray to be respectful of everyone I encounter. I think with this I will find grace and serenity and the courage to be me.
What did he say exactly. Maybe someone soon will produce a transcript. According to a friend at Eagle even the Nepalese couldn't make out what the translator was saying. The Dalai Lama spoke in English but I think a combination of his accent and a bad PA system it was very difficult to fully understand. A pity!