I met my father and it was OK - a little stilted in conversation at times.
I said some things that were exaggerations of the truth and as I was saying them I knew this, I felt uncomfortable and wish I could have stopped. Then I did stop. I just stuck with the truth. I know that I wanted him to be approving of me, especially as I wanted to ask him about financial support. It's so sad that I feel it necessary to do that. I have never, ever felt good enough for my father. He has incredibly high expectations on everyone. He criticises just everything anyone else does. If I can keep my observer hat on, I think I can see that it's all his own lack of self esteem. He needs to belittle others so that he at least can appear superior. Of course it is impossible to know this for certain as he would never say this was the case. But there are little indications. My problem is that I get ensnared so rapidly into the criticism and then wanting to appear at least acceptable somehow. When he criticised his wife's daughters, I was gleeful in side, the little girl me in me joyful that I might be at least better than them. As I write that I can remember at about 4 years old wishing my dad liked me more than he liked the neighbours' daughter. And I can remember at 13 yrs, the same thing with SK and LK. He was happier with them. He was always like that with friends as well. And I recall later being so angry that he always put everyone above mum and I.
So there I was in the coffee shop, that little girl. Exaggerating, desperate, longing for him to say something approving of me. Making me feel as if I am worthwhile after all. He didn't even bat an eyelid! Completely pointless. And it was then that I became completely aware and stopped. That was a relief then.
Instead I listened. We exchanged the usual after he enquired if I had heard from anyone. He told me that Uncle B is practically paralysed and I felt so very sad. He was hyper critical of Auntie B of course. I think he is a misogynist actually. There are no women I have ever heard him say anything that could be considered respect. Maybe once after mum died.
Then he started talking about his military time again. This time he was talking about his training in the para's. He asked if I remembered that they had started out as a group of about 120 or 150 I think he said. I hadn't remembered at all but I agreed nonetheless. And he went onto remind me that only 10 of them got through. I asked what happened and he said that up to the last so many jumps - I can't recall already how many jumps he said, people were either kicked out or had the option to leave. Clearly they left in droves. I guess jumping out of a plane is just far too scary.
Oh I remember how we got started on the military topic. I had enquired how JB. After a series of sharp critical comments about how badly JB is doing the job (my dad used to be his boss) of the fleet and how remiss of his responsibilities he is, he went onto say that JB continues to be more heavily involved in his personal pursuits. Time and again my dad has told me how he introduced JB to the HAC and since then JB has an acute interest and spends his time absorbed in the soldier thing. I would be interested to hear JB's version.
It was JB that told me once about my dad beating up a sales rep at work. Not long after my mum had died I spoke with him. He worshipped my mum. I get the impression that he is a very sensitive fellow. He said that he had seen a gold glow from her coffin in the chapel. He asked me how things were with my dad, knowing that we weren't really speaking or seeing each other. I was knew to all my emotions and only months in recovery at that time so I am certain that I said something trying to be honest but filled with fear and anger - a lethal cocktail of emotions when it's age old. Anyway it was then that JB talked about my dad's aggression at work and this specific occasion when a sales rep did little more than visit. I don't remember if the rep had said anything slightly or badly untoward at my dad. What JB reported to em was that my dad was pulverising the guy in the doorway and JB and some others had to get my dad off the poor man. JB implied that he had to cover for my dad quite a lot in similar ways around his aggressive attitude and violent behaviour. I do think JB sort of idolised my dad too. Maybe I recognised something that I know in me and it wasn't like that at all. There was certainly a strange and more than boss and assistant relationship. And I don't mean sexual, oh goodness no!
Still, this is wondering far from the point. Having spoken about JB's and his inadequacies he told me how JB had asked my dad to go and visit his mother in hospital. Now according to my dad he had never met her before so this was surely a strange request from JB. But everything is always slightly muddled because there are so many mis-truths. This reminds me now again of JH
He talked about his training jumps and how dreadful he was. He wasn't sure how he did actually get through. Wondering how, it was then he said he was determined to stay despite hating it and once in the period of the final 4 jumps there was no leaving. On reflection this sounds convoluted but I didn't question it further. In the past his manipulation of the truth would infuriate me, seeking to understand why and feeling so disrespected. Did he really think we didn't see through him with each perplexing lie? As I reflect on this and as I practice remaining detached, keeping one foot in my own reality I feel more tolerant. It is just how he is, I don't have to be involved anymore. It is less personal. I am aware that it is how he is. He is another perfect man but not perfect for me. So the anger is simply not consuming and in fact hugely diminished because I am less hurt. This is progress.
One of the jumps had been scheduled from a plane but there was some kind of issue so they had to jump from the balloon, which he hated the most. They jumped through the bottom of the basket. He didn't explain further why this was so much worse for him. This particular night it was very dark, pitch darkness and he couldn't see any lights on the ground because it was Oxfordshire, few street lights or houses where they were. It was pretty breezy but he couldn't tell the direction. Someone had once told him to carry some tissues, and if it was difficult to gauge the wind speed and direction release one. He did this but it was so dark he didn't see where it went. What he could hear was cups and saucers clanking low beneath him and he recognised that this might be the tea hut. I have forgotten what it was associated with. Anyway not knowing where they actually were, he ordered the jump. Jumped out first. I am guessing that sergeants jump first? He could hear the cups and saucers getting louder, and with his 4 or 5 soldiers behind him realised there was a problem. He wasn't where he thought or wanted them to be. And I guess the rest is inevitable because he crashed through the roof of the tea room. He laughed as he was telling this. It's good seeing my dad laugh. He can be a very funny man. I didn't laugh as much as perhaps I think he wanted me to. He went on to say that years later he met a man that was actually present. I am so used to his mis-truths that I then thought that perhaps he said this to try and verify the story. Always second guessing him, trying to stay one step ahead after years of being used to be duped like a fool.
I really have got a bee in my bonnet about people thinking that it's OK to develop trust only for so much of what they say to turns out to be lies. Why can't people be OK with who they are and if they are not then change it to be how they would like to be?
I can be the same, when my self esteem is low, so I am not saying that in judgement. I say it with my continuing desire to improve and be at ease with my conscience.
There were other "jump" stories. From a plane when he nearly hit the Dakota under tail. Falling 250 foot before the attached cord opens the chute! That's standard not a tale specific to him. Another soldier getting into difficulty and going into a spin so the man on the ground was oblivious to my dad doing it "wrong" again, hands in the wrong place etc, landed on the man on the ground and smashed the stand his was on! Another and another, I have forgotten the detail sadly.
But he hated that feeling always and every time. His officer did ask him how he got through, my dad informed me. I enquired when his first jump into active duty was. He told me it was Palestine and that went OK, no issues, no concerns about the jump. I suppose each and every man had his mind on other things.
There ended the brief glimpse into his past and we came forward again. Him meeting the Queen and Prince Phillip recently. The Queen speaking to him. Questionable and Prince Phillip too. Apparently my dad has a video of the event and afterwards the press bothered him trying to establish what exactly was said. I told him how a journalist had got my contact details from my listing on BA Friends Reunited and had emailed me via FRU asking if I had any information at all on Carole Middleton, Kate's mother (soon to be married to Prince William). Apparently Carole Middleton was a stewardess at the time I also worked for BA - I was quite surprised and actually felt indignant at the lengths the press will go to to dig up the dirt or just get an insight into the person. I suppose when anyone comes into the public eye we are inquisitive to know what the real person is. I just have a distrust of the press as they seem to want to shame the person quite often. That's a very harsh judgement as I am sure there are decent journalists who have goodness in their intention.
My dad seemed disinterested in this too. I don't seem to have anything to say that is particularly interesting for him. I say very little really of the things that I am truly interested in or what is going on. I don't think he would be interested in that either and so he doesn't know the real me or the whole me. I would like him to be interested in me but he never asks about me, just who I have spoken with that we might both know.
Then he said he needed to go - it was approaching midday and we had met at 1030. So in fact we had spent longer again that on previous occasions. I knew I had to pluck up the courage and said there is something I needed to ask him, if he might be able to help out. He paid for the coffees. I forgot to thank him in my fear of being open and asking for help from him. I said that I was signed off sick - I wasn't explicit but then was able to ask if he might be able to lend me some money next month if I need it. I explained that we do not get any sick pay and I am worried. He said yes instantly and asked me how much? As I don't know and I wanted him to know that I have some savings that might be enough. When I do know he wants me to call but not say anything to his wife. All I need to tell him is how much and he will send me a cheque. We walked to the car park. I asked him a little about Theresa. There was some mention about her knowing he has no time for her daughters. I wondered whether she takes that out on me as she never talks to me to which he said it is her that suggests he invites me to their house. He prefers to meet me without her because then he can speak more freely. It is my guess that there is friction and also he can talk without worrying about what lies he has told to whom. I was able to say how I do feel a very long way from him. I am not sure I made it clear that I meant emotionally. I am not sure that he would understand that anyway.
I won the Grand National Steeplechase. Well in cahoot with AB. We had talked about putting a bet on but I hadn't researched anything more than that. So then something jogged my memory that it was Grand National day. I looked on,line at the form and phoned AB. She had not done anything either about betting so we looked at the form. I had picked out Ballybrigg as a bot of an outsider and she had also fancied it. There were others that we both disagreed on so AB said let's put a £5 on each. So I set up an online account- eventually! Put out £10 on and a few quid more on a few others each way. One of those came in third (I later learnt that both Ballybrigg and Don't push it! were so exhausted after the race but recovered and returned to the stables OK - I wonder. Two horses were destroyed as a result of bad falls - I watched the race and wondered why the race was diverted around two jumps - i hate that so much and am part of it by betting and keeping the race going. I hope they continue to review it and make it less challenging - 4 miles and so many jumps including one of the hardest in Europe The Chair!). Anyway Ballybrigg took the lead in what I thought was far too early. At about the fourth jump out, he made a bit of a mistake and dropped back but soon picked up the lead again. I started to realise he was still going forward when others seemed to be going backwards. I started shouting "g'orn Ballybrigg". Windows open I did wonder what the neighbours might think but couldn't restrain my excitement and somewhat disbelief. He kept going and widening the gap - £170 returned! Yay I phoned AB and we were both shouting around " we won the Grand National, we won we won we won!" He he ehehehehehehe.
Then I got ready and drove off toe meet AV and BH. It was a nice evening. I realised it was going to be a long evening as we were meeting at 5 and could not eat in the restaurant until 7pm. It went OK, we kept the conversation going. I could see AV does love BH. I am not sure about BH. She is quite harsh. And what rang a little alarm bell at this stage was that she talked about marrying her estranged husband at a time when her mum died and she like him. As usual I may be thinking too much but I sensed a frustration and an irritation with AV. Anyway as she spilt up from her husband when getting friendly with AV and he was separating from his ex-wife at the same time, I was just a little concerned that it was an emotional need rather than an actual love. Well time will tell. They both seem nice people. There didn't seem much friendliness, a lot of jibing on BH's part. And actually I sort of joined in a bit wanting to show that I am not at all interested in AV. I am not. But my thinking was that she might think I am. She seemed quite aggressive in attitude at times. I hope it was all OK between them.
The food was great! Always is there. I had dresses crab salad followed by plum and Madeira (alcohol) crumble. I could taste the alcohol. Oh and custard yum yum.
I thought it was very filling and actually I didn't go wild in my effort to eat healthier! Pleased with that.
Home and a brief time online with emails and FB. I really want to cut down. It is a terrible displacement activity - as I read someone else had labelled it.
So to study this morning - the lovely AM has called and ET has sent a text to say she wants to meet. I have to study and later this afternoon I will go for a walk and play cards with AB. Interesting that I don't want to meet up with ET. Something feels less comfortable at the moment. I do not feel OK being how I am with her.
So to study - to study - to study.
Still wishing things with JH had turned out differently. Feel enslaved still sexually. But also realising that it is how it is and he will probably not be too different and I do not want to accept the way things were as OK for me. If I am going to be with someone I would like them to be able to love me wholly. I really hope JH makes changes that are suitable for how he is comfortable with himself. Or maybe he is already at that place of self completeness in which case we were definitely not OK together. The things I really liked I still like, the things I didn't like for me I wouldn't like with anyone in a partnership relationship. That;s how it is. I am grieving still but at moments getting this clarity amidst my own clouds. It's a relief when I do.
I was considering making contact but think I need some more time especially when I thought about how I would feel if he did not respond at all or said that he no longer wanted any sort of contact. Then I realised I am not quite ready to receive that. When that would be OK will be the time I would feel comfortable trying to make contact. Gosh, my hopes for us were so very deep.
I still picture him as I walk about and do things and see him in the space beside me. I would love to share my life within a loving relationship and share their life and love them . It was not meant to be clearly and now I would rather be OK and able to love myself better. I am working on it.
Bliss
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