There was a most important job that needed to be done,
And no reason NOT to do it, there was absolutely none.
But in vital matters such as this the thing you have to ask,
is WHO exactly will it be who’ll carry out this task.
ANYBODY could have told you that EVERYBODY knew,
that this was something SOMEBODY would surely have to do.
NOBODY was unwilling, ANYBODY had the ability,
but NOBODY thought he was supposed to be the one.
It seemed to be a job that ANYBODY could have done,
If ANYBODY thought he was supposed to be the one.
But since EVERYBODY recognized that ANYBODY could,
EVERYBODY took for granted that SOMEBODY would.
But NOBODY told ANYBODY that we are aware of,
That he would be in charge of seeing it was taken care of.
And NOBODY took it on himself to follow through and DO,
What EVERYBODY thought that SOMEBODY would do.
When what EVERYBODY needs so did not get done at all,
EVERYBODY was complaining that SOMEBODY dropped the ball.
ANYBODY then could see it was an awful crying shame,
And EVERYBODY looked around for SOMEBODY to blame.
SOMEBODY should have done the job and EVERYBODY would have,
But in the end NOBODY did what ANYBODY could have
I just thought of this when thinking about ego - my ego! How at times still it is so important to be a somebody
It's also ironic that I write away here or journal ling. Sometimes going around in circles. Rambling on in my attempt to understand or see sense. Just to get things on paper lest I should forget.
Then there are times these days when just through stopping and thinking things through I get some clarity on me and my process - but by the time I come to write it, I can so clearly see the result of the journey that I have no clear vision of the steps taken and the clouds at the time.
Ironic.
Oh I think last night I was bitten by a spider. I felt a real sting in my knee. This was in bed!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Beginning to sound like a horror film.
Anyhow I noticed this stinging sensation in my knee (under the duvet). I rubbed it. I was stinging through the evening. And today it's been irritating. When I touch my knee it feels sort of damp weirdly. And the sensation is more like a nettle sting. I pulled back my duvet this evening and there was a really crumpled up dead spider. YUch yuch yuch yuch yuch yuch!!!! Got the eeeby jeeeebies just writing that. It reminds me of my horror feelings when at aged 7 I woke up with an itch across my face only to discover a beetle or a spider crawling off me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaRGH!
So studying my knee more carefully I notice that there is a central bite or reddish bump - not big and then around that little bumps like a nettle sting. It feels itchy but when I touch it it is sore and this sort of wet feel to it.
This is not the point of my writing just an aside that is full of eeby jeeby feelings and pain.
Yesterday - the outcome was that I realised that I needed to adjust the ways in which I was attempting to "manage" a colleague who I was finding particularly annoying. Before I got to this point I have felt very very annoyed with her. Judging her as lazy, and generally slow on the uptake.
How I see this now as I am writing it of course is with the knowledge of hindsight and self exploration but not how I was seeing things in the early stages. I am finding it difficult to write this pretending I am in the ignorance of the events. I want to record it however as a reminder.
The day of the presentation. I was very tired too after another late night speaking about painful matters with my love and Master JH. So different situations were being translated into a feeling of stress an d everything seemed to have an urgency for me.
The personal situation and ongoing questions in my head. A late night and little sleep following that anyway. First day of Peter being on holiday and the sense of wanting to do a good job but the fear of failure. The fast approaching presentation. A busy day anyway with the normal schedule. Demands from different departments within the hospital. New clients arriving and needing inductions etc.
With peter being on holiday I felt the very real presence of a disorganised pile of things to be done and the horrid feeling I get when I am not sure what is in the pile. I start reading through and organising different piles with the intention of prioritising and then each one looks like a quick and simple priority so I end up trying to do several things at once but doing none and now have several unsorted piles. Grrrrrrr.
I was also wanting some time to go through the slides and make sure I knew the points I wanted to make with each slide. But every time I stopped to think, I had the P pile spreading across my desk, phone calls coming in and staff to organise. Plus I started feeling codependently about needing them to deal with all the client group work. BUT THEN ....... der der derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
AW got all huffy and puffy and repeating how busy it was and umming and ahhhing - sigh sigh sigh at every little thing that needed to be done!!!!!! Grrrrrrrr. I started getting more than irritated. I was beginning to stew - just a light bubbling under the surface but could feel it developing. Tiredness and stress, anxiety and disorganisation all mixing nicely and now anger too.
I displayed my intolerance and patience I think. I am not sure how now but I kept trying to check myself so that my attitude did not show too much.
Actually I can feel it right now. There were simple things to do that are done for every client but AW was tutting and commenting on how she would try but she is so busy. I was thinking yes and so am i and about 10 times as much as you are you lazy moo. I just get irritated because she has been there about 3 centuries and still I know more than her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I asked her to be the keyworker for a client and she tutted and protested so much. I just tried to hold my tongue. She is so flipping selfish. It's all about her and how busy she is. Actually she checks herself a little now saying "and I know we are all busy". I don't get it really. She wants the tempo to be slow and easy all of the time and is not prepared to up the pace at all when it gets busier again. I find this lazy and selfish. She will do no more than she ever has done even though everyone else will then have to be working harder. Then I think well maybe she has it right. She works at an even pace and is boundaried with her time management. But she will not give anything that little bit extra. Plus it's not just extra she doesn't do. She moans about the basic procedures. She will give nothing!!!
See how angry I am about this tee hee - laughing at myself now. And there I was thinking I was all serene and spiritual and on the other side of self awareness HA!!
However, when a little later I went with almost finding a solution to the keyworker problem so that I made it easy for her, she had had a re-think and so was able to manage after all. I think sometimes she thinks things will be worse than they actually are. Oh and flipping astonishing that with all this steady work pace I do not see a healthy being. I think she has a lot of ways in which she avoids dealing with her issues. She is not in the least bit serene. Wow! There's a judgement.
So blah de blah! It went on like this until finally I was in the car on the way to the presentation. I knew that I needed to clear the manic morning out of my head if I was going to be able to focus on the presentation.
So I started with all of the above. And then I started thinking of how fearful AW seems to be. I don;t know if this is the case and I feel certain but of course cannot be, that she would never own fear about what has to be done. The computer, her ongoing uncertainty about procedures oh and so on and so on. The detail is irrelevant now. Whatever is going on she does not want to bu pushed or stretched at all. There is no team work attitude in this of course because she will happily continue like this regardless of the how the rest of the team get stretched.
So by stopping and identifying my anger and my thoughts I started to step aside from it. I could see fear and avoidance as a result (as I have mentioned). And I could see also how my various stresses were meaning that I wanted everyone to speed up and work at my pace, be efficient, take responsibility, be a part of making it all run smoothly (contributing to my own fear of failing and wanting everything to run smoothly under my management - yes I now ego, self importance, selfishness too), and so on. I am sure there were more motives and intentions driving me but these are the ones in my mind at this moment.
The more I thought about the entire thing the more I realised that actually (surprise, surprise) I can have all these opinions and frustrations but I cannot change AW. What I do have instead is a familiar pattern with her. Things like computers, extra workloads, working systems throw her. I still think she has a lazy tendency by the way.
So rather than leave her out of the loop to avoid all my resentment and get the job done properly by someone else who can pull out the stops, I need to find a different way of managing her. Now I am not her manager of course so have no rights as such. But I am asked to oversee the entire operation in P's absence.
Oh and that unequal treatment I mentioned just above was a common problem I had throughout my management - avoiding utilising the lazy incompetent one/s which meant the very abled were more pressurised as they took n more work. So unfair of me. Bad management. It happens a lot of course but not good management nonetheless.
Accepting Aw as she is is the first stage of then finding out how I can change around her - and so the initial realistion that I need to adjust so that I can find ways to help her get the work done without shifting too much onto others.
So today ? Got straight back into the grrrrrrr's. She grumped about the office a bit. sighing huffily often. But she did get on with some of the things that she had been reluctant to do. I didn't adjust myself much but I can see why - once again I had piles of work and so stressing about getting my workloads sorted so that i can feel calmer to then support her. Interesting - not sure how to balance this yet.
I don't know why I am trying so hard to improve this as I do no ever ever ever want to be a manager again on a full time basis.
Now this brings me onto another issue with myself. I am moaning a lot about how busy I am and how I don;t want this post or rather I would like to use it to negotiate and increase etc etc etc - moan moan moan.
BUT
Flipping EGO - how I dislike ego. It's all ego talking.
The moaning gives me a chance to let people know that I am so so valued that "they" want me to be the stand in manager. Yuch I am hating owning this.
It makes me important and valued and a somebody.
Universe please help me to be OK being another bod on the bus and not needing to peacock myself around.
I am OK as I am. I can do my best to help manage the office in P's absence. I do not do it alone. S is a real help and I miss her when she is not in - like today. I do not acknowledge that to others enough in case they do not think I am actually as capable as I want them to think I am.
J and A are of course doing their job too. We all have a huge input in different ways and have different values that are making it all work.
I do not need to be THE one and everyone else just does it because of ME.
So anyway - I want to remember to thank each and every person for specifics that they do. I want to be able to support anyone to do things they need to be doing even when they are finding it difficult. That does not mean doing it myself and moaning about it or delegating it to someone else - it means finding ways to make it possible for them to undertake their responsibilities.
I would like to find ways of stopping acting out on my intolerances and impatience and be level and equal with everyone.
The funny thing about ego driving the day is that any compliments that do come in, I internally have to disregard because actually I am lacking in any self worth when ego is at play. Ego actually falsifies me into grandiosity so making compliments unbelievable. Not sure how else to word that to make sense of it.
Anyway, I do work with a very talented group of people. Really each and everyone brings something to the team. AW to me and this just a personal opinion contributes the least to me on a professional basis. But on a personal basis, I think she is a very lovely lady. I think she has a lot of issues that she implies are dealt with. But in my opinion which can very often be wrong, she has issues that leave her afraid of the world in many ways. She seems to have this need to let everyone know what is GREAT in her life. She has led a very interesting and adventurous life but she can never let anyone have their moment of glory. She always has to take it away talking about herself. It suggests to me some degree of insecurity - it's not just relating or even acknowledging - it's all about her. Its very damned irritating for me yet I can recognise the need and therefore wonder what is really driving this for her. And then I feel compassion for her. I wish I had the courage to feed this back. I have attempted to say how I feel about other situations in the past but she is very very fragile and still even a year later refers back to such moments and I can hear how she thinks she is being judged and wants to prove she is right.
Ugh that need to be right - listen to me!!!!!! I suspect everyone at times would like to be right as this helps build confidence apparently.
However I do not need to be right to be an OK person. Actually the less right I am the more teachable I can keep myself.
So tomorrow Universe please can you help me with all of this.
from another bod on the bus of Bliss
And no reason NOT to do it, there was absolutely none.
But in vital matters such as this the thing you have to ask,
is WHO exactly will it be who’ll carry out this task.
ANYBODY could have told you that EVERYBODY knew,
that this was something SOMEBODY would surely have to do.
NOBODY was unwilling, ANYBODY had the ability,
but NOBODY thought he was supposed to be the one.
It seemed to be a job that ANYBODY could have done,
If ANYBODY thought he was supposed to be the one.
But since EVERYBODY recognized that ANYBODY could,
EVERYBODY took for granted that SOMEBODY would.
But NOBODY told ANYBODY that we are aware of,
That he would be in charge of seeing it was taken care of.
And NOBODY took it on himself to follow through and DO,
What EVERYBODY thought that SOMEBODY would do.
When what EVERYBODY needs so did not get done at all,
EVERYBODY was complaining that SOMEBODY dropped the ball.
ANYBODY then could see it was an awful crying shame,
And EVERYBODY looked around for SOMEBODY to blame.
SOMEBODY should have done the job and EVERYBODY would have,
But in the end NOBODY did what ANYBODY could have
I just thought of this when thinking about ego - my ego! How at times still it is so important to be a somebody
It's also ironic that I write away here or journal ling. Sometimes going around in circles. Rambling on in my attempt to understand or see sense. Just to get things on paper lest I should forget.
Then there are times these days when just through stopping and thinking things through I get some clarity on me and my process - but by the time I come to write it, I can so clearly see the result of the journey that I have no clear vision of the steps taken and the clouds at the time.
Ironic.
Oh I think last night I was bitten by a spider. I felt a real sting in my knee. This was in bed!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Beginning to sound like a horror film.
Anyhow I noticed this stinging sensation in my knee (under the duvet). I rubbed it. I was stinging through the evening. And today it's been irritating. When I touch my knee it feels sort of damp weirdly. And the sensation is more like a nettle sting. I pulled back my duvet this evening and there was a really crumpled up dead spider. YUch yuch yuch yuch yuch yuch!!!! Got the eeeby jeeeebies just writing that. It reminds me of my horror feelings when at aged 7 I woke up with an itch across my face only to discover a beetle or a spider crawling off me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaRGH!
So studying my knee more carefully I notice that there is a central bite or reddish bump - not big and then around that little bumps like a nettle sting. It feels itchy but when I touch it it is sore and this sort of wet feel to it.
This is not the point of my writing just an aside that is full of eeby jeeby feelings and pain.
Yesterday - the outcome was that I realised that I needed to adjust the ways in which I was attempting to "manage" a colleague who I was finding particularly annoying. Before I got to this point I have felt very very annoyed with her. Judging her as lazy, and generally slow on the uptake.
How I see this now as I am writing it of course is with the knowledge of hindsight and self exploration but not how I was seeing things in the early stages. I am finding it difficult to write this pretending I am in the ignorance of the events. I want to record it however as a reminder.
The day of the presentation. I was very tired too after another late night speaking about painful matters with my love and Master JH. So different situations were being translated into a feeling of stress an d everything seemed to have an urgency for me.
The personal situation and ongoing questions in my head. A late night and little sleep following that anyway. First day of Peter being on holiday and the sense of wanting to do a good job but the fear of failure. The fast approaching presentation. A busy day anyway with the normal schedule. Demands from different departments within the hospital. New clients arriving and needing inductions etc.
With peter being on holiday I felt the very real presence of a disorganised pile of things to be done and the horrid feeling I get when I am not sure what is in the pile. I start reading through and organising different piles with the intention of prioritising and then each one looks like a quick and simple priority so I end up trying to do several things at once but doing none and now have several unsorted piles. Grrrrrrr.
I was also wanting some time to go through the slides and make sure I knew the points I wanted to make with each slide. But every time I stopped to think, I had the P pile spreading across my desk, phone calls coming in and staff to organise. Plus I started feeling codependently about needing them to deal with all the client group work. BUT THEN ....... der der derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
AW got all huffy and puffy and repeating how busy it was and umming and ahhhing - sigh sigh sigh at every little thing that needed to be done!!!!!! Grrrrrrrr. I started getting more than irritated. I was beginning to stew - just a light bubbling under the surface but could feel it developing. Tiredness and stress, anxiety and disorganisation all mixing nicely and now anger too.
I displayed my intolerance and patience I think. I am not sure how now but I kept trying to check myself so that my attitude did not show too much.
Actually I can feel it right now. There were simple things to do that are done for every client but AW was tutting and commenting on how she would try but she is so busy. I was thinking yes and so am i and about 10 times as much as you are you lazy moo. I just get irritated because she has been there about 3 centuries and still I know more than her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I asked her to be the keyworker for a client and she tutted and protested so much. I just tried to hold my tongue. She is so flipping selfish. It's all about her and how busy she is. Actually she checks herself a little now saying "and I know we are all busy". I don't get it really. She wants the tempo to be slow and easy all of the time and is not prepared to up the pace at all when it gets busier again. I find this lazy and selfish. She will do no more than she ever has done even though everyone else will then have to be working harder. Then I think well maybe she has it right. She works at an even pace and is boundaried with her time management. But she will not give anything that little bit extra. Plus it's not just extra she doesn't do. She moans about the basic procedures. She will give nothing!!!
See how angry I am about this tee hee - laughing at myself now. And there I was thinking I was all serene and spiritual and on the other side of self awareness HA!!
However, when a little later I went with almost finding a solution to the keyworker problem so that I made it easy for her, she had had a re-think and so was able to manage after all. I think sometimes she thinks things will be worse than they actually are. Oh and flipping astonishing that with all this steady work pace I do not see a healthy being. I think she has a lot of ways in which she avoids dealing with her issues. She is not in the least bit serene. Wow! There's a judgement.
So blah de blah! It went on like this until finally I was in the car on the way to the presentation. I knew that I needed to clear the manic morning out of my head if I was going to be able to focus on the presentation.
So I started with all of the above. And then I started thinking of how fearful AW seems to be. I don;t know if this is the case and I feel certain but of course cannot be, that she would never own fear about what has to be done. The computer, her ongoing uncertainty about procedures oh and so on and so on. The detail is irrelevant now. Whatever is going on she does not want to bu pushed or stretched at all. There is no team work attitude in this of course because she will happily continue like this regardless of the how the rest of the team get stretched.
So by stopping and identifying my anger and my thoughts I started to step aside from it. I could see fear and avoidance as a result (as I have mentioned). And I could see also how my various stresses were meaning that I wanted everyone to speed up and work at my pace, be efficient, take responsibility, be a part of making it all run smoothly (contributing to my own fear of failing and wanting everything to run smoothly under my management - yes I now ego, self importance, selfishness too), and so on. I am sure there were more motives and intentions driving me but these are the ones in my mind at this moment.
The more I thought about the entire thing the more I realised that actually (surprise, surprise) I can have all these opinions and frustrations but I cannot change AW. What I do have instead is a familiar pattern with her. Things like computers, extra workloads, working systems throw her. I still think she has a lazy tendency by the way.
So rather than leave her out of the loop to avoid all my resentment and get the job done properly by someone else who can pull out the stops, I need to find a different way of managing her. Now I am not her manager of course so have no rights as such. But I am asked to oversee the entire operation in P's absence.
Oh and that unequal treatment I mentioned just above was a common problem I had throughout my management - avoiding utilising the lazy incompetent one/s which meant the very abled were more pressurised as they took n more work. So unfair of me. Bad management. It happens a lot of course but not good management nonetheless.
Accepting Aw as she is is the first stage of then finding out how I can change around her - and so the initial realistion that I need to adjust so that I can find ways to help her get the work done without shifting too much onto others.
So today ? Got straight back into the grrrrrrr's. She grumped about the office a bit. sighing huffily often. But she did get on with some of the things that she had been reluctant to do. I didn't adjust myself much but I can see why - once again I had piles of work and so stressing about getting my workloads sorted so that i can feel calmer to then support her. Interesting - not sure how to balance this yet.
I don't know why I am trying so hard to improve this as I do no ever ever ever want to be a manager again on a full time basis.
Now this brings me onto another issue with myself. I am moaning a lot about how busy I am and how I don;t want this post or rather I would like to use it to negotiate and increase etc etc etc - moan moan moan.
BUT
Flipping EGO - how I dislike ego. It's all ego talking.
The moaning gives me a chance to let people know that I am so so valued that "they" want me to be the stand in manager. Yuch I am hating owning this.
It makes me important and valued and a somebody.
Universe please help me to be OK being another bod on the bus and not needing to peacock myself around.
I am OK as I am. I can do my best to help manage the office in P's absence. I do not do it alone. S is a real help and I miss her when she is not in - like today. I do not acknowledge that to others enough in case they do not think I am actually as capable as I want them to think I am.
J and A are of course doing their job too. We all have a huge input in different ways and have different values that are making it all work.
I do not need to be THE one and everyone else just does it because of ME.
So anyway - I want to remember to thank each and every person for specifics that they do. I want to be able to support anyone to do things they need to be doing even when they are finding it difficult. That does not mean doing it myself and moaning about it or delegating it to someone else - it means finding ways to make it possible for them to undertake their responsibilities.
I would like to find ways of stopping acting out on my intolerances and impatience and be level and equal with everyone.
The funny thing about ego driving the day is that any compliments that do come in, I internally have to disregard because actually I am lacking in any self worth when ego is at play. Ego actually falsifies me into grandiosity so making compliments unbelievable. Not sure how else to word that to make sense of it.
Anyway, I do work with a very talented group of people. Really each and everyone brings something to the team. AW to me and this just a personal opinion contributes the least to me on a professional basis. But on a personal basis, I think she is a very lovely lady. I think she has a lot of issues that she implies are dealt with. But in my opinion which can very often be wrong, she has issues that leave her afraid of the world in many ways. She seems to have this need to let everyone know what is GREAT in her life. She has led a very interesting and adventurous life but she can never let anyone have their moment of glory. She always has to take it away talking about herself. It suggests to me some degree of insecurity - it's not just relating or even acknowledging - it's all about her. Its very damned irritating for me yet I can recognise the need and therefore wonder what is really driving this for her. And then I feel compassion for her. I wish I had the courage to feed this back. I have attempted to say how I feel about other situations in the past but she is very very fragile and still even a year later refers back to such moments and I can hear how she thinks she is being judged and wants to prove she is right.
Ugh that need to be right - listen to me!!!!!! I suspect everyone at times would like to be right as this helps build confidence apparently.
However I do not need to be right to be an OK person. Actually the less right I am the more teachable I can keep myself.
So tomorrow Universe please can you help me with all of this.
from another bod on the bus of Bliss
