Conflict at work

It happens. I don't know of any workplace that doesn't have conflict. Ignoring it or trying to get one person to agree with another isn't the solution. It will keep growing and can cause stress, unhappiness, dysfunctional teams, affected efficiency. All round it's not in any way ideal. But how to resolve conflict when there are two or more people who are completely opposing each other. People will have their points of view that can be entirely contentious. Here are some tips that I've found on the Internet ..

1: Realize that conflicts are inevitable at work

Show me a workplace without conflict and I’ll show you a workplace where no one gives a damn. Whenever people are engaged, committed and fired up, conflict and disagreement is bound to happen. This doesn’t mean you have to revel in conflict or create trouble just for the hell of it, but it does mean that when conflict happens it’s not the end of the world. Quite the contrary, it can even be the beginning of an interesting learning process. The very best and most efficient workplaces are not the ones without conflicts but those who handle conflicts constructively.
Particularly when a workplace is changing and new ideas are being dreamt up and implemented, conflict is inevitable. There can be no business change without conflict. The trick is to make sure that you also have no conflict without change, because that is the truly dangerous thing: Conflicts that go on for years with all parties refusing to budge.
The fact that you have a conflict at work does not reflect badly on you – it mostly means that you care enough to disagree strongly. That’s a good thing provided that you do something about the conflict instead of just letting it go on forever.

2: Handle conflict sooner rather than later

This is the single most important tip to successfully resolve conflicts: Do it now! It’s very tempting to wait for a conflict to blow over by itself, but it rarely does – in most cases it only gets worse with time. I refer you to this delightful cartoon by Claire Bretecher for an example.
90% of conflicts at work do not come from something that was said, but from something that wasn’t said! It’s tempting to try and smooth things over and pretend everything is normal. Don’t. That’s the most common reason why conflicts at work escalate: Nobody does anything. Everyone’s waiting for the other guy to pull himself together and “just admit he’s wrong, dammit”. It may be unpleasant to tackle the issue here and now but believe me, it gets even more unpleasant after the conflict has stewed for a good long while.

3: Ask!

In the early stages of a conflict the most powerful tool to resolve it is simple: Ask! If somebody has done something that made you angry, if you don’t understand somebody’s viewpoint, if you don’t understand their actions – ask!
Do it nicely. “Say, I was wondering why you did ‘X’ yesterday” or “I’ve noticed that you often do ‘Y’. Why is that?” are good examples. “Why the hell do you always have to ‘Z’!” is less constructive :o)
Sometimes there’s a perfectly good reason why that person does what he does, and a potential conflict evaporates right there. Also: Never assume that people do what they do to annoy you or spite you. People typically have a good reason to do the things they do, even the things that really get on your nerves. Never assume bad faith on anyone else’s part. Instead: Ask!

4: Giraffe language

For more entrenched conflicts that have been going on for a while, use giraffe language. It’s the best tool around for constructively conveying criticism and solving conflict.
An example: You and a co-worker often clash at meetings. It’s gotten to the point where each of you are just itching to pounce on the slightest mistake the other person makes. You can barely stand the sight of each other and have begun to avoid each other as much as you can. This has been going on for a while now.
Here’s how you can use giraffe language to address the conflict. There’s an invitation and six steps to it:
Invitation
Invite the other person to talk about the situation. An example:
“Say John, I’d really like to talk to you. Do you have half an hour some time today? We could meet in meeting room B”.
A hurried conversation at your desk between emails and phone calls won’t solve anything. You need an undisturbed location and time to address the issue. And make no mistake: Giving this invitation may be the hardest part of the whole process. It can be remarkably hard to take that first step. Do it anyway!
At the meeting itself, you need a way to structure the conversation constructively. Otherwise it could easily go like this:
The good thing about giraffe language is that the conversation doesn’t degenerate into mutual accusations. Without a proper structure the meeting could also go like this:
“John, why are you always attacking me at meetings?”
“What are you talking about – I don’t do that!”
“You do. Yesterday you jumped on me for suggesting that we add en extra programmer to the team.”
“We’ve talked about that a thousand times, we don’t have the budget for more people.”
“That was no reason to stomp me and the idea at the meeting.”
“Well that’s what you did to me when I suggested that we review the project model.”
Etc. etc. etc.
Ever had one of those discussions at work? Not much fun and not very productive either! Giraffe language keeps accusations, assumptions and mutual attacks out of the conversation and makes it much more likely to reach a solution.
Here’s how it goes. It’s important that you prepare the meeting thoroughly and write down notes to each step so you know what you’re going to say. After each of the steps (except ii and iii) ask the other person if he agrees with your thinking and if he’d like to add anything.
i) Observation. Identify what you see in neutral, objective terms.
“John, I’ve noticed that in our project meetings, we get very critical of each others ideas. For instance, the other day you suggested reviewing our project model and I jumped on you for suggesting it, though it’s actually a necessary step. I have noticed that we’ve ended up doing something like this in almost every meeting in the last few months. It also seems to be getting worse. Would you agree with this description of the situation?”
This is where you describe the facts of the situation as objectively as possible. What is actually happening? When and how is it happening? What is the other person doing and, not least, what are you doing? You’re only allowed to cite observable facts and not allowed to assume or guess at what the other person is thinking or doing. You can say “I’ve noticed that you’re always criticizing me at our meetings” because that’s a verifiable fact. You can’t say “I’ve noticed that you’ve stopped respecting my ideas” because that assumes something about the other person.
ii) Apologize. Apologize for your part in the conflict.
“John, I want to apologize for attacking you at the meetings. It has a bad effect on the mood of our meetings and I can see that it makes you angry. I apologize.”
If you’re 100%, totally and utterly without fault in the conflict you may skip this step. That doesn’t happen too often, let me tell you, usually everyone involved has done something to create and sustain the conflict. Remember: You’re not accepting the entire blame, you’re taking responsibility for your contribution to the situation.
iii) Appreciate. Praise the other part in the conflict. Tell them why it’s worth it to you to solve the conflict.
“I know we don’t always see eye to eye and that we have very different personalities but I want you to know that I really appreciate your contribution to the project. Without you we would never have gotten this far in the same time. Also the way you communicate with our clients and your ability to find out what they really want are second to none and a boost to the project.”
This can be difficult, few people find it easy to praise and appreciate a person they disagree strongly with, but it’s a great way to move forward. It also serves as a lithmus test: If you can’t think of a single positive thing to say about the other person, you may not be ready to resolve the conflict yourself. In this case see tip 5 (mediation) below.
iv) Consequences. What has the conflict led to for you and for the company? Why is it a problem?
“I don’t like this situation we have now. It’s making me anxious before meetings and it’s making the meetings less productive. I also think some of the other project members are starting to wonder what it’s all about. Jane asked me the other day why the two of us can never agree on anything. I think this is actually harming the project. Would you agree?”
Outlining the consequences of the conflict shows why it’s necessary to resolve the conflict. It also helps participants to look beyond themselves and see the conflict “from the outside”.
v) Objective. What would be a good outcome.
“I would like for us to listen more an appreciate each others ideas more. You have some great ideas and even if I don’t agree with an idea, I can still listen and make constructive suggestions. Does that sound like a good goal?”
It’s essential to set a goal so both parties know the outcome they’re aiming for. That makes reaching the outcome a lot more likely :o)
vi) Request. Ask for specific actions that can be implemented right away.
“I suggest that we introduce a new rule: At meetings when one of us suggest something and the other person disagrees, we start by saying what’s good about the idea and then say how it could be better. Also if we start to attack each other as we have before, I suggest we both excuse ourselves from the meeting and talk about it in private instead of in front of the entire team. Also, what do you say we have a short talk after our next project meeting to evaluate how it went. How does that sound?”
The standard version of giraffe language has four steps and is formulated slightly differently. What you see here is an adaptation of traditional giraffe language to the business world that is more suited to conflicts at work.
Why is it called giraffe language? Because the giraffe has the biggest heart of any animal on dry land (it needs to, to pump blood all the way up to its brain). The great thing about giraffe language is that:

• It gives structure to a difficult conversation
• It minimizes assumptions and accusations
• It focuses on the real problems not just the symptoms
• It results in a plan of action – not just vague assuarances to do better

5: Get mediation

George, the CEO of Wilbey & Sons, wanted Jane and Scott, his sales and financial managers, to work well together, but he also knew that something new was need to break the ice between them. He invited them to a meeting in his office and as they sat there, next to each other across his desk, the resentment between them was apparent – you could sense how they were each ready to spring into action and defend themselves.
His opening took them both by surprise, though. “Jane, would you please tell me what you admire about Scott.” This was not what they had expected, and Jane needed a moment to get her mind around that particular question.
“Well… he… it’s… I have to say that his reports are always excellent and that his department runs like clockwork. Also he handled that situation with the bank last month quickly and without a hitch”.
The CEO’s next question was “And Scott, what do you appreciate about Jane?” Having heard the first question, Scott was caught less by surprise and smoothly replied “Sales are up 17% this quarter because of her last campaign and it looks like the trend will continue.And I must say that the customers I talk to all like the new pricing structure she introduced.”
From that moment on the mood in the room had shifted, and the three of them could have a real conversation about Scott and Jane’s differences and how to resolve them. Though they never became friends, they were able to work effectively together and appreciate each other’s strengths.

Some conflicts are so entrenched that they can not be solved by the participants alone; outside help is needed in the form of conflict mediation. Mediation involves finding a third party trusted by the people involved in the conflict, and then trusting that person to help find a solution. The mediator can be a manager, HR employee, a business coach, a co-worker, etc. You can still speed up the mediation process by preparing for it by using the giraffe language steps above.

What if all of this doesn’t work?

There is no guarantee that the method described here will resolve your conflict at work. It may or it may not. But even if it doesn’t work you have the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve tried. You have risen above the conflict for a while and tried to address it positively and constructively. No one can ask more of you.
One kind of conflict at work is particularly tricky, namely a conflict with your manager. With a good manager who responds constructively to criticism, this is rarely a problem, but a conflict with a bad or insecure manager can seriously impact your working situation and needs special handling.

This is the kind of conflict I have - the manager and the team leader. It's so troubling I cannot clear my mind of it and I'm talking about the issue all over the place. I'm looking for the solution and strategies for dealing with the issue. Of course there's a big part of me that wants her to see it my way. Or even the teams way. But that is definitely not the solution. I just don;t know how to come to some resolution. I want to find the tips for handling this situation ....

http://positivesharing.com/ - a very useful Blog

Listen for the gaps

Speaking with a fellow I am reminded of The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle. Something that was a special moment for me was his suggestion to listen for the gaps between the sounds. It was as if the world of sound slowed right down. I could distinguish separate sounds and the sound I was listening to became so crystal clear despite the distance between me and the source of the sound. i remember that I was sitting in the garden of a villa in Majorca, a friend at that time had given a weeks stay for myself and SH. Things between him and I were fraught at the time and so a lot of the time I was sitting alone in the warm sunshine. I was listening to sounds from across the sea inlet and marvelled at the sudden slowness of sound. And he also suggested looking for the gaps between the molecules and however small things became, like the gaps between rain drops and then the gaps between the water molecules making up the rain, again everything slowed. D just reminded me to sit and wait for the next thought. How utterly beautiful is that idea in itself. I shall take a time of quiet to sit and wait for the next thought.l He suggests that it will be surprising how I might be able to sit in the suspension of the waiting. I will look for the thought and not concentrate on wanting the suspension.
He says too that the fact that I am looking inwards is enough. Trying for perfectionism or attainment is not necessary.
How so very gentle indeed. Freeing, serene, gracious.
I am delighted to have spoken with D and before her L, who seems a little more uptight but entering into this programme in early days. She sounds like she wants to get it right and seems to be questioning and uncertain. That's OK and hardly surprising. She has found FA through her daughter and how remarkably humble that seems to me.
I love being abstinent and I love the fellowship. I love the connections I make. Thank you God. It's your grace that gives this to me and keeps me abstinent and connected.

Bliss
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Manic

I think I may be a little "high". I realised this with little tell-tale signs. Such as spending money, paranoia and wanting to write down every little thought. Such as this one. My thoughts seem a little racy and at times, as with the ideas for a new job, there's a touch of grandiosity and also a sense of NOW, urgency. Also I'm finding it difficult and anxiety is increasing to deal with daily issues, they seem enormous and require decisions. I have some ideas for things as I have had with fostering that seem utterly do-able and reasonable to me yet a couple of friends had questioned if I'm high. I just think they're being boring.
What's going on, i.e. the high stress situation at work and an ever increasing study workload could be the cue for this mild high. I don;t know if it's a high because it's very usual for me to be feeling and thinkng how I do.
The paranoia takes the form of me thinking GB doesn't like being around me and my endless nonsense chatting, so when she knows I'm arriving she takes herself off to bed. And then I also think LK may be recording us in the office on her phone and earphone thingy. I also think she's trying to utilise my defect of self-hatred b dropping in little comments, such as " I was surprised that B and C said they didn't know you at all". Whether they know me or not is immaterial, it's her saying it that I question. Is this slight paranoia? I am concerned that neighbours can overhear all my telephone conversations. I can hear downstairs so I assume he can hear me. I never hear the ones to the side but they are always alone so they don;t seem to talk at all.

I was also just pondering the idea that people lack harmony between each other and this is humanness not God. I am confused about me judging LK as quite unwell. What right do I have to make such a judgement. I strongly sense anger and dislike or contempt or disdain from her towards me. So this is disharmony or harmony between us? Harmony in the semse that I sense something strong from her to me and in return I dislike and disrespect her. From the start she wasn't ever going to PD but I wasn't expecting this. So where does the discord begin? I simply don't like what I see. This is disharmony then on whose part? There is no harmony between us and it seems that it's not possible to find a middle road because she is unwilling to shift. She has no boundaries - I am making a judgement. Maybe she has but her boundaries are so very different from my own. God please can you show me how harmony can be achieved with this situation. I trust that it is possible.
And then I asked my sponsor B about my confusion and she helped me. What I have understood but I suspect not yet felt is this:
Keeping the focus on me for a moment and truly knowing that I have this mental illness whereby I have self hatred, when I make mistakes I judge myself so harshly I tend annihilate myself. So when people appear to be judging me I assume they want to annihilate me. Now when I can stop wanting to annihilate myself and start loving me rather than hating me, then I will love all and it won't matter if they are judging me harshly or not. It's the same experience I have had learning about friendship. I never trusted anyone was really a friend, that they would harm me in some way at some point. The truth is that people can and do because they are human but because I trust myself in friendships I am less concerned that they will abandon me and if they do I know that I will be OK. Of course the annihilation can step in so very quickly even though I've had some shift in this area. Again I can all too quickly turn it on myself saying "see, you're not worthy of friendships and no one likes you!". This is a total lie. Lots of people like me and show that they like me with their warmth and friendliness.
I have so much to learn. How often I talk about loving learning. This brings a smile to me as loving learning means I have to have lessons. I don't like the pain of lessons though. I want it all to be painless and smooth. That's no way to learn, not to truly learn so that it becomes a part of my very essence. Otherwise it's purely an intellectual experience. The real lessons come from specific experiences.

I had a horrible dream this morning. I woke up feeling dreadful and very sad. AB and I had a terrible argument. It was public in the fact that ML was there, GB and RB too. Ab was venting how fed up with me she was. This I think is possibly my paranoia playing out. But also how upset and angry I was back at her. I have woken up realising how much I value her and our friendship. I would not want AB to be distant in my life. I do worry that she doesn't want me there so much. But I also think I am quite snappy with AB at the moment. She is more controlling mode right now, drinking more and quite abrupt or snappy at times. I am snappy back fending off her controlling. I see her quite irascible with her mum and telling her sister what she needs to do when she does nothing for herself at all. I have a feeling that as T's visit gets closer (I don't know if it's even happening) that this might be adding to her angst but she's not talking about it. I get a feeling that something is underlying. Her angst decreased slightly after the bridge lunch was over. She was very irascible prior to that. And there were 2 women coming that she had problems with. I have a sense that her issue with the very rich lady is something to do with her own pride around wealth. AB is very complex and very private.
I will tell her how much I value her as my friend and all that she does for me too. And I will try to be less snappy. God please can you help me with harmony in this situation too?
LouLou is lying beside fast asleep.Her paws are against my leg and she's dreaming I suspect as her paws are all twitching. It's so cute. I need to get up and prepare my breakfast but I don't want to disturb her. She rarely sits with me anymore. Is it because she's getting older or because she has move her real alliance to GB or because I'm often stressed??
Who knows. All I know is I love her anyway so so deeply. I wish we could be together forever.

Bliss
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