I had a lovely day yesterday with G. In fact that last couple of days have been lovely with him. Now I think he's been different but more importantly I've been different. I got to a point of once again accepting that I am jealous and in my jealousy comes pain. I am jealous over the possibility of what goes on between G and his friend D. He says it's not sexual and yet she makes passes at him. To me it's more than sex though and he doesn't seem to get that. She is his friend and he's so incredibly fond of her. A relationship takes more than sex. He told me he was able to have a sit down clear conversation with her when she asked why he gets so annoyed with her. He said that it hasn't been sexual for over 2 years and there's no reason it will be any different. He said he told her he is very fond of her and wouldn't want anything to happen to her. The surge of jealousy hit me at the fact that he sees it as a sexual thing only that makes it not a relationship. The daily seeing of each other and regular texting seems excessive if it's simply a fondness and friendship. I wonder if it will always be that way.
The thing is that I accept I am jealous and when I feel that way I want to change the situation so that it's suitable for me and not with any pain for me. But I have to accept not only how I feel but that it is this way. I do not have the right to control it in any way at all. A part of me, seeing how being light and breezy can alter the way things are between G and I, and suddenly even my attitude could be a means of manipulation. If I behave like this he'll be more inclined to drop her. That's terrible. I recognise as I am writing this here and now. It was there to see when talking with my sponsor but I didn't see it.
Instead acceptance of things just the way they are is so key. And then observe myself within the situation, try to behave with dignity and respect myself for instance I said that I felt very uncomfortable that G might decide to stay with D whilst her husband was away. I heard G say he was uncomfortable with it aswell but I didn't believe him. Anyway I just said I was uncomfortable. I extended that when he told me another day that he wanted to take her to a meeting and had agreed to visit and take her to the gardening centre. I realised I was trying to control that too. My main discomfort was the overnight stays. I was able to say that I was jealous and wanting to control him going there at all. But the reality is he's in her company most days out of sight of the husband. Basically he needs to do what he wants to do and all I have to do is keep observing and keep my own boundaries. If I really cannot accept it then I need to get out of the relationship. Sometimes I can accept better than other times. It's especially difficult when he gets grumpy and moody and is not good company at all and then seems to spend more time in silence with me and more time happier there.
This is G. He is up and down with his moods. He can be so over sensitive that I need to watch everything I say. The thing is I need to be me and see what happens. I do make blundering mistakes and ca be insensitive at times. I don't mean to be and hate it when my lack of mindfulness hurts him or indeed anyone. G's childhood makes me cry and angry with this society back then. I wonder if it's really terribly different now? I truly hope so. It puts my own thoughts about my childhood into the realms of insignificance really. More importantly my childhood situation is less of an issue for me. I truly believe that. It happened. I have had some confirmation of the way things were through family friends and indeed relatives. But it's all of little trauma today. My attitudes and behaviours and beliefs are still going to be guided by what happened but I think I have somewhat let go of the trauma. I wonder if the rage will have decreased a little more as a result too. I do hope so.
I feel more at ease this week. In fact on Friday morning I felt such utter serenity despite everything in the world. It is how it is and all I can do is turn away from negativity, be grateful for what I have and see what unfolds during the day. As I write that I can feel it now for me here today.
Then there is this sense of missing out and of loss that I can easily tap into. My friend was on a date on Saturday. I immediately became aware that I am with a man with no money and no prospect of money. He avoids working and when he does work it's not thorough. Yet is so good at the plumbing. It was enough to make me question the relationship again. To start collecting all that is wrong with it and want out yet thank goodness there are enough things that make me question that for us to then have such a lovely day.
Similarly, I have a morning of studying to do then G and I are going to explore more wild flowers and birds. We heard and saw nightingales yesterday. What a tremendous experience. Loud and variable songs. They are quite plain really. Larger than a robin I could determine that and simply brown. The tail was really flicking up as the bird sang. I wonder if I can download the recording here? Including G's belches!!!! I'll give it a go later on.
Anyway a friend has just commented on going to the beach. I suddenly have a craving for Brighton. But G would never go there. Too busy. I thought then I'd have to arrange to go with another friend. But that eats into G and I time which is limited by my full time work and my part time study. He has all week off doing little to doss around and I have minimal time for him and friends. I'd like for example to meet with M this afternoon but I also have committed to time with G. If I didn't have time with him I think he'd be off with D anyway. Hmm this is a fine balancing act. And difficult. He wants to be here so much to not be at his pit. I'm sure that with time this will become clear to me as well. How to balance the mix of things I like to do that he doesn't like to. Time with friends is very important to me as is time with G. If we could develop trust between us then I think this would be easy to organise. I am trying to put trust in him even though at times my jealousy rises.
Oh and then the immense sense of loss I have about the facility to travel. I want to be able to go to other places. There is the exotic through difference that I really crave. I am having a sense of it this morning. I want to go somewhere else - people and buzzing. A beach and shops. That's Brighton you see. And yet if I was there I'm sure it wouldn't hold the feeling that I am craving. I wonder if G and I could combine places this afternoon. If I were to take my dinner and some for him too then maybe we could go on a further adventure. A little bit of bluebell hunting and some other area of newness. Pulborough Brooks yesterday was lovely but ........ I would have liked to go into the RSPB bit but was restricted because of LouLou. G was very gracious about that.
So where can we go today. I have a desire for the sea.
I can contribute to the petrol if G would be happy to drive. I will offer that. We are both short of cash this month. I have ordered books on top of my very low spend ability this month. Silly me. Oh and next Saturday is Kirsty's birthday evening so I will need to buy a pressie. And have a meal out. I hope she chooses somewhere nice. I am still in my 90 days so technically should not be sharing and should not be eating out. I feel very much more secure with my food though. I will mention it to my sponsor,
And then there's my birthday.
I feel disappointed with M that she has booked up around the date knowing that my birthday is coming up. I'd like to say something but wonder if it's appropriate.
So where can we go today?
He's awake and up.
Bliss
XX
The thing is that I accept I am jealous and when I feel that way I want to change the situation so that it's suitable for me and not with any pain for me. But I have to accept not only how I feel but that it is this way. I do not have the right to control it in any way at all. A part of me, seeing how being light and breezy can alter the way things are between G and I, and suddenly even my attitude could be a means of manipulation. If I behave like this he'll be more inclined to drop her. That's terrible. I recognise as I am writing this here and now. It was there to see when talking with my sponsor but I didn't see it.
Instead acceptance of things just the way they are is so key. And then observe myself within the situation, try to behave with dignity and respect myself for instance I said that I felt very uncomfortable that G might decide to stay with D whilst her husband was away. I heard G say he was uncomfortable with it aswell but I didn't believe him. Anyway I just said I was uncomfortable. I extended that when he told me another day that he wanted to take her to a meeting and had agreed to visit and take her to the gardening centre. I realised I was trying to control that too. My main discomfort was the overnight stays. I was able to say that I was jealous and wanting to control him going there at all. But the reality is he's in her company most days out of sight of the husband. Basically he needs to do what he wants to do and all I have to do is keep observing and keep my own boundaries. If I really cannot accept it then I need to get out of the relationship. Sometimes I can accept better than other times. It's especially difficult when he gets grumpy and moody and is not good company at all and then seems to spend more time in silence with me and more time happier there.
This is G. He is up and down with his moods. He can be so over sensitive that I need to watch everything I say. The thing is I need to be me and see what happens. I do make blundering mistakes and ca be insensitive at times. I don't mean to be and hate it when my lack of mindfulness hurts him or indeed anyone. G's childhood makes me cry and angry with this society back then. I wonder if it's really terribly different now? I truly hope so. It puts my own thoughts about my childhood into the realms of insignificance really. More importantly my childhood situation is less of an issue for me. I truly believe that. It happened. I have had some confirmation of the way things were through family friends and indeed relatives. But it's all of little trauma today. My attitudes and behaviours and beliefs are still going to be guided by what happened but I think I have somewhat let go of the trauma. I wonder if the rage will have decreased a little more as a result too. I do hope so.
I feel more at ease this week. In fact on Friday morning I felt such utter serenity despite everything in the world. It is how it is and all I can do is turn away from negativity, be grateful for what I have and see what unfolds during the day. As I write that I can feel it now for me here today.
Then there is this sense of missing out and of loss that I can easily tap into. My friend was on a date on Saturday. I immediately became aware that I am with a man with no money and no prospect of money. He avoids working and when he does work it's not thorough. Yet is so good at the plumbing. It was enough to make me question the relationship again. To start collecting all that is wrong with it and want out yet thank goodness there are enough things that make me question that for us to then have such a lovely day.
Similarly, I have a morning of studying to do then G and I are going to explore more wild flowers and birds. We heard and saw nightingales yesterday. What a tremendous experience. Loud and variable songs. They are quite plain really. Larger than a robin I could determine that and simply brown. The tail was really flicking up as the bird sang. I wonder if I can download the recording here? Including G's belches!!!! I'll give it a go later on.
Anyway a friend has just commented on going to the beach. I suddenly have a craving for Brighton. But G would never go there. Too busy. I thought then I'd have to arrange to go with another friend. But that eats into G and I time which is limited by my full time work and my part time study. He has all week off doing little to doss around and I have minimal time for him and friends. I'd like for example to meet with M this afternoon but I also have committed to time with G. If I didn't have time with him I think he'd be off with D anyway. Hmm this is a fine balancing act. And difficult. He wants to be here so much to not be at his pit. I'm sure that with time this will become clear to me as well. How to balance the mix of things I like to do that he doesn't like to. Time with friends is very important to me as is time with G. If we could develop trust between us then I think this would be easy to organise. I am trying to put trust in him even though at times my jealousy rises.
Oh and then the immense sense of loss I have about the facility to travel. I want to be able to go to other places. There is the exotic through difference that I really crave. I am having a sense of it this morning. I want to go somewhere else - people and buzzing. A beach and shops. That's Brighton you see. And yet if I was there I'm sure it wouldn't hold the feeling that I am craving. I wonder if G and I could combine places this afternoon. If I were to take my dinner and some for him too then maybe we could go on a further adventure. A little bit of bluebell hunting and some other area of newness. Pulborough Brooks yesterday was lovely but ........ I would have liked to go into the RSPB bit but was restricted because of LouLou. G was very gracious about that.
So where can we go today. I have a desire for the sea.
I can contribute to the petrol if G would be happy to drive. I will offer that. We are both short of cash this month. I have ordered books on top of my very low spend ability this month. Silly me. Oh and next Saturday is Kirsty's birthday evening so I will need to buy a pressie. And have a meal out. I hope she chooses somewhere nice. I am still in my 90 days so technically should not be sharing and should not be eating out. I feel very much more secure with my food though. I will mention it to my sponsor,
And then there's my birthday.
I feel disappointed with M that she has booked up around the date knowing that my birthday is coming up. I'd like to say something but wonder if it's appropriate.
So where can we go today?
He's awake and up.
Bliss
XX
