This is my own photo taken 11 April 2011
Sunday 27 October 2013
Mum? Dad? Stuck in an irretrievable moment
Nightmares! Horrid - waking up each time stuck in really intense emotion. My mum and dad. All the unresolved hurt, loss, fear. Ugh! And even after waking up because I was unable to change the nightmare despite my efforts, I went back to sleep and had a new nightmare. Same cast different scenario. Uncomfortable. Obviously feelings either needed stirring up or have been stirred. Don't know how to describe how I feel now; shaky, racing thoughts, anger, hurt, missing my mum, regrets, grief, unsettled. Thank God I have a sense of serenity I can turn to and ask for help and guidance. A sense of something bigger than me. No need for external comforting. I just needed someone close up me to know and that can be through my writing.
My dad seemed to be in a dream of turmoil sitting on the settee ( goodness knows where we were, I didn't recognize it). His eyes were opening and he was shifting his head from side to side, his eyes rolling in his head. He looked frightening, menacing. At one point I wasn't sure if he was actaully asleep as he seemed to look at me from a distortd face and evil eyes.
Suddenly he did wake up! He went upstairs ranting about all the people there to help mum. She was seriously ill upstairs in bed. Again I did not recognize the stairs or the front door, through which he was turfing all the nurses and doctors out. He was banishing them. I was crying, screamnig for hism to stop knowing that mum needed these people to help manage the pain. She was ying there helpless and saying nothing. Letting it happen. I was distraught and furious.
I have felt these emotions to varying degrees and off and on - the fear of him the frustration. The injustice. The helplessness. The fury and the despair.
There was a second dream which I've now forgotten ut again involved them both!
It took a while to get out of the emotions that seemed stuck
Bliss
XX
My dad seemed to be in a dream of turmoil sitting on the settee ( goodness knows where we were, I didn't recognize it). His eyes were opening and he was shifting his head from side to side, his eyes rolling in his head. He looked frightening, menacing. At one point I wasn't sure if he was actaully asleep as he seemed to look at me from a distortd face and evil eyes.
Suddenly he did wake up! He went upstairs ranting about all the people there to help mum. She was seriously ill upstairs in bed. Again I did not recognize the stairs or the front door, through which he was turfing all the nurses and doctors out. He was banishing them. I was crying, screamnig for hism to stop knowing that mum needed these people to help manage the pain. She was ying there helpless and saying nothing. Letting it happen. I was distraught and furious.
I have felt these emotions to varying degrees and off and on - the fear of him the frustration. The injustice. The helplessness. The fury and the despair.
There was a second dream which I've now forgotten ut again involved them both!
It took a while to get out of the emotions that seemed stuck
Bliss
XX
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