Courage is not settling for less

The trick with courage, Bliss, is realizing that it isn't so much about overcoming fear, as it is about not settling for less. And then, it comes as effortlessly as a midsummer's night breeze.
Whhhhhhhhhhhhhh-a-a-a-a-a-a, who-o-o-osh -
The Universe
 

Breathing in a vacuum

   

James Turrell
Strikes me - excites my visual neurons - interests me - evokes emotions. Rich and atmospheric, like I could reach out and feel the light and the colours.
I would like to experience the night sky from his room. And his crater sounds so exquisite.
Its almost the converse of Barbara Kruger - which is almost crowding issues into a box whilst Turrell is sort of opening the box to reveal the space. The Universe comes into the room to lead me out - not sure I can explain adequately what it does for me. It's like it enables me to breathe and feel freed.

Barbara on the other hand seems to be squashing everything human into the same place.

    

Acceptance

Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance.
We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings - sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it.
What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called "us" - with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history - is worthy of acceptance and brings healthy feelings.
To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept ourselves, others, and the circumstances exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for ourselves or our circumstances. We add a touch of faith by saying, "I know this is exactly the way it's supposed to be for the moment."
No matter how complicated we get, the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.

Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept myself, others, and my circumstances. Take me one step further and help me feel grateful.

   Bill Viola - Acceptance.

CY contacted me - weird. Have been feeling Patti Smith. He asked which one I said Piss Factory. Ha! He got it. I spoke with JH this evening. I am glad I did as I feel somewhat relieved. I do feel incredibly angry and hurt and betrayed. That exists for me. And it is just worsened by trying to go over and over the events of the past. It is over between us and that's that. I said that I did not want to do this anymore and know that for me if there are things to be learnt by looking back at this, at this time I need to be talking to other people. And I said this to JH too. Each time it just causes me more hurt. I cannot take anymore right now.
JH said that he felt Bill Viola - so I looked up images on Wikipedia and he looks very interesting. Very emotive.  When I watched the Acceptance installation I really got a strong sense from it. I will seek out any possibility of seeing anything of his in London.
Anyway despite some people saying, probably out of concern, that I need to distance myself, I think it was helpful this evening to talk. And it may even be possible to be friendly. I do not feel able to say friends because actually friendship means a lot to me. People who value me and I value them which means we follow similar principles. I will be able to move away from the dishonesty but right now I am cautious. So being friendly does not require any trust and the doubts are like any new encounter of not really knowing someone. There is room for growth though in my opinion.

I spoke with little HB this evening. She was so delightful - singing to me, telling me jokes, recounting her feelings about her very scary teacher and how she feels held back by her. Sometimes she is so grown up. I just snoozle her up as I listen to her chatting away. Then I was able to arrange a visit with slightly bigger HB. I will enjoy time with them. It is a joy to hear slightly bigger HB deciding not to drink now. And even with some life difficulties she has remained abstinent. I pray for them both.

Work toady was pretty amazing. Seeing one guy really, really hear something through the power of the group. He listened. He seemed to really want to know suddenly what it's like to be on the receiving end of him. It was like his eyes widened and he looked at me and said thank you. And just before that I had felt like slapping him ha ha ha ha ha ha ahahahahahaha.

I have received some very high praise indeed from senior management. And actually an appraisal is about to occur. Ha we will see. I also am aware that the HD agrees with me that deducting me time off  when I was sick but required to work at home was "not cool"! Interesting. I have an audience with him arranged as well.
It's such a flipping relief to handover the job to PD though.
And all the clients I set up in the week before his return are now coming in - funny thing is it looks like its because of him we are now full. When in fact he left there were just 2 inpatients. Its good though to be able to acknowledge this to myself privately without having to have ego make it known. The SMT were aware of all the assessments as I did them so they should have a good idea of the reality. Anfd the facts are that its by chance. Earlier in the month there were no telephone enquiries. Suddenly without any clear explanation the enquiries started rolling in - there is a sell element but if there are no enquries there is nothing to put the sell element to.

It's time for bed!

Bliss
XX

ps. It feels critical when JH talks about not wanting to feel anger. I remember thinking myself in early days that anger was not something that was necessary and actually to not feel anger meant havign reached a higher plane. I relate to him but its actually infuriating as if he is criticising me for being angry. As was suggested to me, the sensitivity to anger connects with ones own anger that is either being repressed or suppressed - in some way denied. And this is probably from childhood experiences of others anger and more importantly behaviour. peopel forget to separate out the emotion from the behaviour. The behaviour is often the inappropriate element. It can be so very destructive and this is usually denied anger. Self awareness allows anger to be the useful emotion it is meant to be. Observation and stepping aside of the anger to take appropriate action is a very high level state. Denying it is still very low.
X
                     

Patti

take me now baby here as I am
hold me close, try and understand
desire is hunger is the fire I breathe
love is a banquet on which we feed

come on now try and understand
the way I feel when I'm in your hands
take my hand come undercover
they can't hurt you now,
can't hurt you now, can't hurt you now
because the night belongs to lovers
because the night belongs to love
because the night belongs to lovers
because the night belongs to us

have I doubt baby when I'm alone
love is a ring, the telephone
love is an angel disguised as lust
here in our bed until the morning comes
come on now try and understand
the way I feel under your command
take my hand as the sun descends
they can't touch you now, lololoooo
can't touch you now, can't touch you now
because the night belongs to lovers ...

with love we sleep
with doubt the vicious circle
turn and burns
without you I cannot live
forgive, the yearning burning
I believe it's time, too real to feel
so touch me now, touch me now, touch me now
because the night belongs to lovers ...
because tonight there are two lovers
if we believe in the night we trust
because tonight there are two lovers ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoGdx3I3dPE&feature=related

Detachment - damn it!

The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us. When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes? When are we doing too little? When is what we're doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves? What is our responsibility, and what isn't?
These issues can challenge us whether we've been in recovery ten days or ten years. Sometimes, we may let go so much that we neglect responsibility to ourselves or others. Other times, we may cross the line from taking care of ourselves to controlling others and outcomes.
There is no rule book. But we don't have to make ourselves crazy; we don;t have to be so afraid. We don't have to do recovery perfectly, If it fee;s like we need to do a particular action, we can do it. If no action feels timely or inspired, don;t act on it.
Having and setting healthy limits - healthy boundaries - isn't a tidy process. We can give ourselves permission to experiment, to make mistakes, to learn, to grow.
We can talk to people, ask questions, and question ourselves. If there's something we need to do or learn, it will become apparent. Lessons don't go away. If we're not taking care of ourselves enough, we'll see that. If we are being too controlling, we'll grow to understand that too.
Things will work out. The way will become clear.
Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate. I will let go of the rest. I will strive for the balance between self-responsibility, responsibility to others, and letting go.

As I read this I can really see how I have been trying to make JH be in love with me. Trying to stop him from acting out with others so he would be able to really assess his feelings from a standing still point. I cannot do this. JH has to do and be who he is. I need to let go of that. I still sit here in hope that he will make one final call to say he in love with me all along and we can have all that I hoped for. This is not how it is. I need to let go.
I can see too how I have been trying different ways. But how freeing it is to realise that I have been doing my best and that I have made mistakes. I didn't take care of myself too well. I am uncertain of the appropriate action. I have been trying to just be friends, but then how it's felt for me is that I take the hook that is thrown out for me. Perhaps it never was a hook from JH but that's what it's seemed like. The level of communication between us and the getting along has seemed more than just friendly. I think at times I did say my feelings even though just this last call on Sunday JH said that he didn't know how I was feeling. So I was biting on what seemed like a hook and then just as seemed to be reeled in I have been thrown out again.
And I know I go on and on about it but all along JH has been lying, to me, to others. This I don't understand what it is about me that I don't take care of me. I have known and challenged and then trusted again and then more lies and betrayal and then talked into trusting again.
Whilst I can relate to the lying for the sake of all sorts of underlying issues, I do not think it is OK. And I also know hat things take time in growth but it is also easy to start being truthful or decent. I guess I am just angry about this because it hurts so so much. What I have learnt in a very hard lesson is the importance of honesty with my friends. It is respect. If I am to truly be a friend or someday a lover then I would want to be as honest and open as I know how to be. I am very willing to keep practicing this on a daily basis. It is essential in my work and even more essential with the people I value. Thank you for this lesson.

 Honesty and cow parsley

I just have been wanting to be loved and to be able to love someone I really was inspired by and liked. JH tells me he has loved me and was in love with me. I feel very sad that his love for me has been mixed up with acting out - which he denies again now despite me reading the emails that were dated all through the time we were seeing each other. It's all be so very very messy.

I have vomited thinking about how I was giving the very all of me and yet JH was being sexual or intimate even with others during the same period. It's no wonder I felt untrusting because truths weren't being told. And all so unnecessary. I would have been his slave anyway. There was  o need for lies. It was none of my business at the stage he took it further and then starting telling me too wanted monogamy and was boundaried etc etc. I just don't understand why he needed to do that to me. Or how I have allowed it to happen. Well I do as well. I am very vulnerable in many ways. And have once again become overly trusting. I need to learn to be more discerning and realise that discernment requires and deserves some time. At least we have both found out before there was more at stake.
Right now I have a broken heart. I feel a massive sense of loss. I feel sad that I have no access right now to just the things that are likeable. I feel angry at having been taken advantage of regardless of whether it was intentional or not - I like to think not. I feel oh so hurt that I let JH right right right into my soul. It was my choice but I also thought I was allowing someone in who would be as careful with my soul as they would their own.
I feel baffled how this has all come to this. I am certain that JH is a very lovely person - the things that I see that are wonderful are really there. I also see behaviour that is not lovely. This maybe taking inventory. I have been on the receiving end and I have a big part to play in this. I also have not behaved in the way I would like to. I do not like how controlling I have become, in my effort for JH to see the way things are so that he can change and love me after all. I have said things that I would rather not have said. I don't like that I have become quite traumatised by all of this. The consequences of not being discerning and taking time.
I have a lot to learn. I would like to be able to simply treasure all that is good in JH and not have all this other stuff fall upon us, me, him.
But this is how it is. Sadly it really is.

The reading? Well I am uncertain what is appropriate right now. Thankfully I have good friends who can help me see balance. I like the careful wording of being responsible to others but nor for others and also self-responsibility. I know that I am responsible for loving me first and foremost. I am a very lovable person with a lot of good traits. I have incredibly great friends which I think is a reflection on me. And I am surrounded by these people. I also reflect them.

I have a poem for all of these feelings I have.
Perhaps I will share it although right now it seems so incredibly private and precious to just me.

I also have very very weird feelings in connection with my cousins diagnosis and the whole sense of tragedy and waste. A mix of memories of all the years.
I felt very strongly this evening talking to AB and realising how she cannot possibly allow feelings around such an issue as it would mean she might touch her own emotions. And this I believe is so painful but fills her with the anger that she lives in. I love AB so much and pray that some day she will be able to make a change that will bring her freedom before she dies. I pray for freedom for each and every one of us. Be rid of the shackles and the destructive behaviours - however little or small the wreckage. No more!
Instead - love, respect, wise choices, dignity, discernment, lightness, peace, bliss, fun, fresh air, closeness.
Just a few to start with.
No one is to blame but we are all capable of taking responsibility once we admit and accept. Loo at the ensuing chaos and choose to do everything very, very differently
The Universe is in us - let us sense you and live you.

Bliss
XX

My text to AM -
I spoke with JH. Just didn't feel ready or right not sure which to send cut contact email. Realised as I was talking that I was actually mainly angry with him for not being in love with me. Also very angry about the lies. If it was all above board wouldn't be hurting now or differently. Anyway realised if I accept situation it is possible to move forward. Well for today. He does tell lies so not wanting friendship but can be friendly today. Not hurting quite as much. Wish things were different but this is how it is. Would like to have a true loving relationship with someone. Invite that into my life. Glad I have courage to not take less than my wishes. Even though I have kicked and screamed and faltered to get to today. Hope it lasts tomorrow and here on.

A Me Minute

The Language of Letting Go
15th February
Control
Sometimes the gray days scare us. Those are the days when old feelings come rushing back. We may feel needy, scared, ashamed, unable to care for ourselves.
When this happens, it's hard to trust ourselves,others, the goodness of life, and the good intentions of our Higher Power. Problems seem overwhelming. The past seems senseless; the future, bleak. We feel certain the things we want in life will never happen.
In those moments, we may become convinced that things and people outside of ourselves hold the key to our happiness. That's when we may try to control people and situations to mask our pain. When these "codependent crazies" strike, others often begin to react negatively to our controlling.
When we're in a frenzied state, searching for happiness outside of ourselves and looking to others to provide our peace and stability, remember this: Even if we could control things and people, even if we got what we wanted, we would still be ourselves. Our emotional state would still be in turmoil.
People and things don;t stop our pain or heal us. In recovery, we learn this is our job, and we can do it by using our resources: ourselves, our Higher Power, our support systems, and our recovery programme.
Often, after we've become peaceful, trusting and accepting, what we want comes to us - with ease and naturalness. The sun begins to shine again. Isn't it funny, and isn't it true, how all change really does begin with us?
"I can let go of things and people and my need to control today. I can deal with my feelings. I can get peaceful. I can get calm. I can get back on track and find the true key to happiness - myself. I will remember that a gray day is just that - one gray day.

Each time I get a slowing moment, the pain whooshes over me again. The hurt! I am so bloomin' fortunate to have the friends I do, the recovery I have, the strength of fellowship to tap into. When I read this in the morning, I smiled. I was reminded to pick up my daily readings again by a friend. I had dropped off reading them for a while. I need to up the disciplines. I have an inner strength that I can draw on and it's true I do not need anyone. I have known that. What I do want is support from my friends - safe friends who can listen to my emotions and hear me. And they are there so solid. I feel blessed beyond belief. And a friend who at times is challenging to me said today that she loved me and that I am one of the few special people she can trust. I lit up to hear that from her. This was after being able to put me aside and listen to her when she called me for support.
I have already increased my meetings since all this horrid feeling started. I am grateful that something in me is able to truly embrace the meetings. I am willing to call everytime I feel so dreadful. My friend stressed how concerned she was about the trauma state I seemed to be in. It shook me to hear her say this.
I know that no one ever has been allowed so far into my soul.

Tonight I helped JB with some stuff he wanted typed out. He was really kind and listened to me. I just am finding any moments of quiet time I am filled with so much pain. So yet another good friend who cares. I know he values our friendship. He said that he forgives me when I don't always return a call exactly when I say I will. I smiled as he is so completely reliable - I felt very humbled that he forgives me. And I hear him. I will make more of an effort. I thanked him not for his forgiveness but his honesty with me and giveing me the opportunity to improve myself. And to be respectful of him. Good friendship.

And now I have heard from my Auntie that the situation for my cousin is not good news. Apparently she has a Cancer that is very rare. They do not know what to do next. There is a possibility of an operation but this will not cure it. I have a heavy heart learning this. I feel so sad for my Auntie. It is all wrong.
I do not get this God. I do not understand why bad things happen to good people. I pray God for your will because I sure do not know what it is.
I think I am a good person who has done things in the past that I would never do today - I am capable of learning and growing always. I welcome change. I am trying to be a better person all the time. I make mistakes I know - a lot and often I suppose. My heart is truer all the time. I never ever want to bring bad to anyone - my intention is only ever good. Even when I think bad thoughts I know I do not mean it.
I am sane of mind not to act out to the very best of my ability. I do no wish to bring harm to anyones door.
I pray for people that they get all they want and need in their life and are content. I want to be different for the benefit of mankind - sounds grand? I think not. Every little thing that's betterment contributes - I do not need to be selfish anymore.
I trust in the Universe. I forget to sometimes when I feel hurt and scared. Overall though I know everything will be OK.
I do often wish though it were all over and I no longer had to deal with bad things.

As ther eading says I have felt very bleak at times these last few months. I have wanted things to be different. I have continued to leave my heart in JH's hands. And now I feel this is a very gray day. What I do know from experience that this will pass. I really do know that people and things cannot be my happiness. It is within me to be content. I need no one actually however I do need the tools of recovery and there are  many to help me thourhg the difficult times.

I am uncertain what the future holds overall. I do know I cannot control it. I do know what I value and I pray to God to help me hold onto that.

I need sleep - please Unvierse let me sleep this evening
Bliss
X

Inside deadness

I don't actually know how to deal withthe emotional pain I feel.
All I have been doing is talking about it and otherwsie keeping busy. I have cried and my eyes hurt so much. I could barely sleep. I simply don't know what to do with myself. I feel unhappy.
I don't even know what to think anymore.





Nothing actually seems to matter right now.