Slurry slurry sleep

Well good day.
What a week!
Yesterday I attended the FA meeting in Abcurch Street. St Mary's Church actually. A beautiful church apparently designed by Sir Christopher Wren if I remember correctly. I met with H who has been visiting from Melbourne Australia. She was here for her Step 5. We share the same sponsor.
after the meeting and lunch with everyone we went off to the National together, H and I. She chose the impressionists. It was good actually to visit again and take even more in. Nothing is done I realise. H studied art history for her degree. How lucky she was. I want to study art history at some point. She was saying that the impressionists were not friendly with each other. How sad.



Pisarro - Boulevard Montmartre at Midnight.

The Van Gogh paintings were stupendous brought to life through another persons eyes. I wish I was an origicnal viewer but I am appreciating the enlightenment through someone else's experiences. She stopped and looked deeply at the paintings. The sunflowers were striking. The thickness of the paint making them seem all the more real and dense with aliveness. I wanted to touch them. And the Wheatfield - well it was sawaying and the sky swirling. I bought a copy but it's so flat. No screen or copy can actually reporoduce what I saw and felt in the presence of the real thing.

Van Gogh - Wheatfield with Cypresses.

There were so many I truly loved. It was better seeing just this one section although over several rooms. It was easier to digest more. I think A and I did too much but am glad to have been able to go back. I should just keep going to the National. G said he'd quite like to go as well.

The evening with G was tumultuous for me. It seems that when I express my thoughts and machinations I communicate it in such a way that it feels accusational to G. I want to be aware of his sensitivity. I want to talk too much maybe, share my insecurities too much? Who knows. My first insecurity rush was when he was talking about his visit with Mrs E. I realise he is very attached. It seemed more so than ever having had a pleasant visit with her. Probably that feeling was lingering when after sex I noticed a change in him. He wasn't looking at me in the same way. I felt scared and expressed my fear as best as I knew how. It seems he was feeling the villain. This was a sensitive time as with his issues with sex and mine too there was always room for danger. I have such strong feelings for him now. Yes already. I feel love and terror of his withdrawal from me now as I will hurt incredibly. It is possible of course. The risk I take. And of course all too soon I am sure some FA'ers will say. The difficulties are evidence of that perhaps. But I wonder if it's possibly the best thing that could happen to me and it's too difficult to let that pass me by. All his eagerness though cannot be sustained on the passion alone. He will not want to work because of him and yesterday or Friday I can't remember which he was wanting to because he was feeling eager. He wants to tell Mrs E the truth. He says whatever happens between him and I he will tell her. I was worried that this was also in the newness and eagerness. But as that enthusiasm wanes will he still want to. I have such negative thinking. It's very hard to separate the truth from the then made up truth in my had. My thinking is loaded with negative expectations. And I see clearly where the drive is from. My flipping childhood and ensuing experiences. It is my belief from experiences that men have their satisfaction and then withdraw. When they are wanting then they promise the earth and mean it. Later they withdraw all of that but in the meantime I am hopeful and adoring and waiting for their promises to be met.
I think I distort everything too. Maybe not everything but some things.
We are two very fragile children meeting in a grown up world.
It ended last evening with G unable to say whether he was staying or not. He wasn't able to reassure me and I wanted reassurance that he loved me and wasn't leaving me and also I wanted holding. Later we cuddled and then had sex again. He believes that the negative spell has been broken. I wanted to take that slowly in case he puts pressure on himself again.
Gosh it was up and down. It feels really tentative. I am not sure if I can take the ups and downs but also don't want it to finish. Part of me thinks he should sort out his situation with Mrs E, tell her and see if it's truly worth it. I don't want to be the other woman in any shape or form. I want to be his number one woman. I think he said I am. The point is there is a part of him that is emotionally engaged there. He didn't tell her yesterday and there is no time limit when he will. I wonder if he ever will. I am not sure how long I want to wait. I will go along with this for now. As for the issues I have with sex and love, well I don't know if he wants to deal with that with his own issues with sex and love. He said I need a rock. He is not it. I just needed his help in that moment. He was unable to offer it straight away and then I wonder if what was offered later on was real. The doubts and the negative thinking. And all probably being fuelled by our extreme tiredness. We are crazy kids staying up until the early hours of the morning. This morning it was about 5 am.
I still have not completed my assignment. And I'm back to work tomorrow. I do not want to return to work. It's just her and I as S is away herself now. I hear the noise pollution just thinking of the office. The great news I am off again in the middle of November - for a exam! And then hopefully I finish on 18th December. I start my new job with P on the 1st January. I am very much looking forward to that.
With G for me when its good its great! When its difficult I am in turmoil. If I were to say that I feel it's so fragile right now he might be on the run. I need guidance and don't have that fully at the moment  because I am not speaking with any FA'ers about it.
I need support. At least I told H and it was very interesting when she asked me how I am experiencing Step 3 in this. I think it's on many levels. But what I see clearly si the dishonesty. I am not being honest and handing it over. By that I mean I am not being honest with my sponsor for fear that she will not wish to work with me. I value her input on my recovery and would like her to support this journey I want to embark upon. I would be tentative in being honest with her all the way down the line for fear of her thinking "I told you so" or along those lines with every difficulty. But I so think this is my experience of not trusting in God. God please help me to be entirely honest with her. I need her to know everything.
I can start by calling her and asking if she would be prepared to continue sponsoring me if I were to enter in this relationship with G. Eyes wide open wth lots of issues between us but feeling worthe the effort to explore. What if it's the best thing that could ever happen to me? I know there is the alternative of waiting and seeing in October next year. And if he really does love me then he would be prepared to wait. It's already gone beyond that now though. I have invited him in and she needs to know that. It's wither right in now or right out I guess. It's moving fast. I think he feels trapped a little.
That's what I feel about the real world suddenly being involved. We have had a week of Disneyland really. I have done nothing but focus on him and vice versa.
Anyway Step Three - I am not handing over to God that alternative option. To wait. If I take the commitment and hand it over to God then I don't get what I think I want right now. God is this the right path to follow. Please show me. Was yesterday a taster of how things can go badly between us. Are you showing me just how ready I am not? God please show me clearly and this may mean the hurt stepping in I guess as G steps out maybe. Gosh I so don't want that.
Are you showing me things that I am choosing to ignore, such as the trip to Haslemere when he became anxious and angry and looked unattractive in his feelings. Then showing me the handsome free version too. And then the fragility and withdrawal - are you showing me something about him or me that should not continue but will? And the situation with Mrs E. This is you showing me something too? Please God help me see through my selfish wants, my self-will.
On the otherhand it's not wrong. I seem to choose the rocky paths. I learn from them I suppose each time but maybe not the greater picture? Is there more to learn by not entering into this? I suppose there's more room to focus on just me instead of me in a relationship. He's prepared to go to Relate sometimes. I am prepared to go too. It would be helpful to have someone hear the individual negativity. I am not very good at making myself clear as I become accusational in my defensiveness. My Fear is enormous. My lack of trust is enormous. God help me to believe and trust.
So I am in Step Three but my experinece is the difficulty of truly handing everything over. I get confused with thinking that means doing it someone else's way. That is another humans ideas. I can see the point of handing the food over to the FA way. But as I think about it is only an idea which so far is working for me. My weight is stabilising and I feel better about my body than I have ever felt. I know it will still be the same tomorrow so long as I stick with the food plan given to me by my sponsor. Now why do I trust that as gospel and not the commitment to no relationships until my AWOL has finished? I heard that said in the tape I was listening to. She did take on the suggestion not to make the change she wanted to make with her relationship.  So did K. I haven't. It's a sign I suppose just how compelling this relationship desire is for me. Meet a man I like and I want him. Bugger the commitment I made. Is this addiction? And how to find out what is addiction and not in the same way with the food. Approaching this in a balanced measured way. Food is necessary a relationship isn;t for survival. G saw that last evening. He mentioned the withdrawal of alcohol but the difficulty with food. He was touching on that relationship addiction thing. Where is the intimacy when there's addiction at play? Is it addiction or is it real? My feelings appear real to me. I want to beliee everything he says is truth and real.
Phew it's complex. I am in a whir. I am scared he's going. I am scared it's purely addiction and lust in me or in him. God is this a sign to follow the rocky or apth or leave it now. You are giving me choices. The step three then comes back to handing it all over to You and that means honesty with my sponsor and other FA'ers.
God guide me please. Thank you.
Bliss
XX

ps - amidst all of this would you believe it CY sends me a text with Steve Harley lyrics -
"Don't you know, life gets tedious enough
Without this extra grudge to bare"

Now I was aware it was lyrics and found the song. But I wondered why out of the blue and when entering into another relationship this should happen. I was tempted to reply but haven't. I wanted him to know I found the lyrics but in such a way he thought I was a musical genius to know. I would ahte it if G was responding to something so potentially tempting and loaded witha  torrid past however fast and furious it was.  Uh uh. I do not want that at all.
I value G and I see his vulnerability and love that in him as much as it can also trigger difficulties for me. I am afraid thought that it is his vulnerability that has made ne feel safe and when not vulnerable I feel scared to death. Scared he is going with his confidence in tact. What about me me me?



The entire song ...
Mr. Soft, turn around and force the world

To watch the things you're going through

Mr. Soft, believe everything they tell you

And be dammed if they'll thank you

You paint everything so cruel,

Coming on like Mr. Cool;

Paint your face and shut the gate,

No one's coming home till late

Don't you know, life gets tedious enough

Without this extra grudge to bare

You, so slow, shift your ideas, make your mind up

In a jiffy, let' s be fair

We'll be taking off tonight,

Turn off your eyes and shut the light,

You're the most, you're so unreal,

We'd all be dead without your spiel!

Mr. Soft, go to town and bring the dawn in,

In the morning on your way

Mr. Soft, put your feet upon the water

And play Jesus for the day

You begin to hear them mumble,

Spot the Starman, rough-and-tumble,

Fight the good fight, sling your axe,

Watch the speaker lead the packs
 

Womb absorbed emotions

Well that's been a long break since last writing here. To be truthful I haven't felt so inclined but also there has been little time that I could afford to writing simply for personal off load.
But here I am. So much has happened. It will be impossible to recall all the learning's.
Yesterday! Working backwards. I handed in my notice. After visiting with P on Thursday evening, seeing the new premises ad collecting the letter confirming my job offer, P then helped me write my letter of resignation. Excitedly I placed a copy on F's desk, N's desk and then not quite as I planned, handed one to L. S had walked in beforehand so I told her that I was handing in my notice, quantifying that with a start date of 1st Jan 2013 and so giving 3 months notice. I asked if she'd mind doing the Reflection group so that I could speak in private with L. However, L came in and said she was going straight upstairs to pay something or other. I didn't want her to hear from F so said "L, before you go I need to give you my letter of resignation." I then felt incredibly awkward. S was quiet and typing on the PC. L simply said "Oh! Oh! Oh!" and left the office in a flurry of petticoats and a bang of the door. It wasn't a fearsome bang but I heard it in the innards of my brains as a slam. I went off and did the Reflection group, knowing that S was tired after her day working at Spittalfields on her stall.
It wasn't like this but it felt like the rest of the day L pretty much ignored me. It also seemed and probably wasn't, or was it?, as if she ignored me practically unless confronted with having to speak with me. She suddenly wanted to be in all of the groups but conceded to S and I doing the Process group together. How ridiculous. I felt freed up in group and was much more comfortable to be me in group. Amazing. I have been agonising for weeks about how to be and where had all my awareness gone. I have been less than effective in group in my opinion. I have felt thwarted. But yesterday was an improvement. My confidence is low that's for sure. But I did start to notice the nuances of people and able to gently share what I noticed and ask questions about what I noticed.
One client is genuinely wanting to work on earlier issues and beginning to express her emotions rather than react to them with her Borderline Personality. It's been amazing working with her.
Later in the morning I went upstairs (management and administration offices). S was standing there talking with F. S left us to to talk. After closing the door I sat down. F was pleasant enough in some ways but was also the super-boss. I took this personally and felt offended and disappointed. But I have been able to step aside from that since. The things I was offended by were her saying that it was important my standards did not drop over the next 3 months. I said that something along the lines of me caring about the clients and not doing the job for money or the P Group and so would I would be disappointed in myself if that was necessary.
I responded to her suggesting that PD had coming poaching staff. F said something along the lines of knowing that he would be knocking on the door for staff at some point, she hadn't thought it would be quite this early. I felt compelled to state that P had not come to me but that I approached him. I reminded her that I had been unhappy and one of the options discussed when speaking with her was to leave. Having been working hard on altering myself within the role and within the relationship with L, I had come to realise that I needed to leave and so enquired with P. I went on to say that the ethics and principles working with L seem so different and without saying anyone is right or wrong there has come a point when we cannot agree to disagree. I mentioned to her that I had asked L not to tell me when she is crossing procedures so that I am not in a position of either having to betray her confidence or betray P Group. However, I was not comfortable with knowledge that this might be going on and it simply didn't seem safe for me personally. I continued saying that there had been some really good and interesting changes to the programme and had appreciated being exposed to different ideas to broaden my knowledge. But there had come a point when I needed to find something else where the philosophy matched my own ethics and principles. I think F heard this. What she heard though and what she does with it is none of my business. The conversation involved her very pointedly commenting on seeing how she can trust me not to steal clients. She didn't want me to speak with consultants at this stage nor other staff members. She wanted to first meet with consultants and would handle them herself. She said that P and I are highly respected by consultants and there needed to be clear guidelines if they were to refer. Their loyalties had to be with the P Group first and foremost. Some of them of course have their own private practices so I'm not sure how much jurisdiction the P Group have over the consultants. They has to be a two-way pathway for them otherwise they wouldn't be doing it I guess. P business must be valuable to them.
I asked if I would be permitted to come to the annual BBQ as I will find the hardest thing to be leaving the clients and the staff in the unit. I did say I was disappointed with P Group when realising that they do not invest in their staff. F of course made no comment. She did at one point speak about vocational work never being highly paid and how dissatisfying that was i.e. nurses, therapists, and yet IT and Bankers getting so much pay. I wonder what she would say about the high price of consultants and surgeons?
Anyhow I think it will be difficult to keep my departure from others around the hospital. After all S knows and we were talking about it. I am sure to tell people, I won't be able to help myself. I want to be able to share at my meetings as well and need to be careful.
What is interesting is how exhausted I am after dealing with everyone else's different emotional reactions to my resignation. So much so that I have decided not to go to London today. I will take today to clean and tidy. I would like to clean my home and get fresh air running through it. I will do a room at a time. I think I should like to change my living room around but I'm not sure of the best design. I'll give it a go. I also want to get new moth balls etc as I have noticed more flying about again. It appears the moth balls were working. I need loads and loads as the whole thing gives me a terrible feeling. I don't know how to put it into words. And oh that's made a link for me. I was just thinking as I was writing how the feeling with the moths is the same as the feeling with the mice at Bay Tree Cottage. I felt a mix of disgust and anger. I was angry with the mice and the moths for dirtying and ruining my possessions. I was loathe to use food ad get furious when there are holes in my clothes with these flipping moths. So people thought it was the larvae that eats the clothes. Oh no it isn't!! Anyway the connection that came to mind was linked with me not really knowing where this intense feeling comes from. And then remembered my mum telling me the reason I had a birthmark of a mouses bum on my bum was because when she was pregnant with me, a mice had run over her foot. She was terrified of mice and I think that terror has somehow been absorbed into the womb and become my own inbred terror. The feeling with the moths is the same. They are invading my life and should not be there yet I can not get them out. How interesting. it really fits as an explanation.
There's probably some psycho therapeutic paper on that somewhere. I'm not sure if there is some developmental research on that subject. It would be difficult to measure I think. If I were more proficient on the OU library site I would research it. Mind you I do not really have the time. Oh to be able to have such time.
Anyway the idea to not go today occurred when G was thinking about meeting for a walk. However, I am coming to realise that he is flaky. So he asked and showed up for one walk. Since then he has cancelled or not asked. I will step back from that. I am not supposed to be having any contact but self-will runs riot in me as they say in the rooms. It was after a body judder day that I texted him. It started with a text to JB but as my sponsor suggested it could have started with a call to my therapist SC. Interesting.
I was driving to work listening to Radio 4. There was mention of the investigations into social services about their supposed failings when themselves investigating the case of a gang of men grooming young girls to sexually abuse them. The report made mention of one or more these girls telling social services or teachers but their please being dismissed. Apparently one of the girls was accused of mixing with the wrong sorts. My dad always said that actually. It wasn't that thought that triggered me to be thinking of him. However, it's a valid thought in this moment. He was always accusing me of my badness because of the company I keep. Interesting. Even when I tried to make amends he said it was the people I mixed with. How I interpreted that was that I am stupid for making those choices. My dad was constantly saying I was stupid and did stupid things. So there was his critical voice in my head even though he probably didn't use the word stupid. It was within the essence I believe.
Anyway I started thinking about the way my dad used to role his tongue backwards and bite down on it. This would mean he had a horrid grimace and this aggressive mouth. He would then grunt or make a sort of sucking in and out noise through this foul mouth. I then thought of the shock when GW had done the same when he was beating me up or as G said "knocking me about". It was more than knocking me about. it was violent attacks that I was complicit in really. I was helpless and terrified and yet was complicit in it. I do need to talk about that with probably my sponsor. Will I have the courage and the ability to make that totally understood. It was not a knocking about and it kind of minimises what took place. A knocking about almost seems condescending of me. I think that links with my dad implying that women were stupid for letting it happen. I will ask G about that when I secretly talk with him.
This memory resulted in my body going into judders. I felt them in my vagina and on my clitoris. I felt the judders through my breasts and then reverberating throughout my body. I felt disgust and revulsion. I could not stop it. i tried calling people but no one answered. In the end I called SC and left a message. He called me back and eventually we were able to speak at lunchtime. He reminded me of his workshops. I can't quite remember what he suggested now. But it required me to be grounded. In a way work had become the boundary to hold me. I had to be somewhat centred even though I didn't feel it. I couldn't "act out", i.e. cut myself or eat, mainly because I didn't want to. I did act out later though by calling JB. However, with him I realised that I have always wanted to tell him because he gets angry. That was what I was afraid of. The judders turning to rage. I cannot contain my rage. The workshop with SC showed me the power of my rage in a physical form. I was held down ad had to keep engaging with the pilot because I was getting wilder and wilder the more I was restrained, The restraint though enabled the fury to emerge from me until I was exhausted. The judders have been turning to rage but thank goodness I have not gone and sought sex even though there have been thoughts now I come to think about it. I have not masturbated. I think I verged on sexual talk with G. reading that violent poem was a sign. So yes speaking with JB in the past has been a way of handing over my anger to someone else and watching it. But then mistaking that anger for being loved and cared for. Bullshit! What a wily survival technique. My dad would get angry and protective and I learnt that was love I think. When G said he was jealous of the gardener/chauffeur relationship I have with V in the village I immediately mistook that for something more intense than his insecurity. I am beginning to see and beginning to be able to stand back from my desires to be loved. it's all mistaken. He cannot commit nor wants to commit. He probably has half a dozen me's hence there is no need to call every day or night or respond to my texts. He can pick and choose and have variety. It's nothing to do with me. I will back of any calls or texts. The truth is I don't really know what's going on with him but get a sense it is not wholesome. It can't be because it's not from me either. I want what seems elusive. I think he's aware of that in himself too. I am getting to be better at being me.
I am not sure moving away was the only answer as I am learning within the contact. I do not what to talk for so long on the phone but it's a compulsion in me.
Anyhow this is the fire that I am playing with. I have felt insecure and pained at times. My imagination being fired with him toying with this woman or that. He really has issues, I think that's plain to see. He is very angry for one and with relationship issues the two suggest there is an addictive behaviour. Who am I to diagnose?
I do get excited to receive a text or have a conversation. I have noticed how I am less and less myself. Anyhow, I can keep trying. I have committed for it to not go any further than this so having him to visit would not be a good idea but there is the suggestion of that happening somehow. I just know it would be dangerous to be seated next to him on my settee. There is an attractive man there. And he is very intelligent. I am enticed and lured by intelligence and knowledge. The thing I miss out is the wisdom. But then if her were wise I'd probably be a bit fed up by now as he wouldn't be acting out. God please help me to keep G at a safe distance. I do not want to be entering into anything. As I know though and the film Take This Waltz screamed out at me, the affair is in the earliest interactions. In the film she said she didn't want to be unfaithful to her husband but she already was as her thoughts were lingering longer than a passing moment with this man. And she was actually spending time talking with him. There's the intrigue being created and the inevitability that they were powerless then to stop the passion developing. If someone truly wants to remain faithful, then they must take appropriate action. God the power of intrigue. I am powerless over it but so far unwilling to do anything about it. I find it difficult to put across and get people to see because it's elusive for me to see it. But when I do I know!
I don't know how to ask questions so that people get to see themselves. S does know. I would like some humanistic training just to get some tips on that. I would like some couples therapy training too and some family training. Just for some tips. The awful thing is training then takes removes the naturalness that can be just as valuable.
Perhaps I'll just ask S and also supervisor P.
What else has occurred? AB suddenly realises the intensity of hot flushes.I know that she spent the whole of my perri-menopause thinking I was griping over nothing. But  boy! It was a real tough time. I think I have been feeling a bit hormonal. I have put on some weight and very uncomfortable with it. My food plan is now a massive amount of foods. I am not liking the extra weight and yet wasn't liking the underweight either. It's so odd though because I also liked it. It was a lovely feeling being so small. Even though I didn't necessarily like what I saw, I did like too.
Any other things? There are sure to be.
My dad. Well it's no wonder I'm thinking of the past when I am in more contact with him. The feelings are mixed ad confusing. On the one hand I am feeling scared as he is more often unwell. He continues to have a urinary infection. At 84 that on it's own is not good but with the fact that he had a kidney transplant in about 1999 I think, there's the added concnern that things are not good with his kidney. I am worried for him. Ad please God help him with his fear. i feel certain he is afraid of death. I think he vaoided being with my mum at the end. Either he is completely at ease with death but I tend to think he is terrified. I wonder how he deals with the fact eh wasn't there. In some ways I am glad because I was there and it meant that I was with someone who at the time I felt held by. Poor S having to be there at my mums death. i was terrified actually I didn't know what death would be looking like. It was horrible the rattle and the gradually ceasing of her breaths. And then seeing her liffeless - I took one more look at her but wished I had been able to stay in the room slightly longer. I feel sure I would have been able to sense her spirit. I wish I had gone back to see her. I feel so sad thinking of that last glance back at her. I miss her so much when I think of that. A final final goodbye. She was an extraordinary woman. It's moments like these when I am hurting with the loss that I want someone to hold me. The only person who can hold me entirely is me and God. God let me lean into you. Thank you.
Anyway with the thoughts about and for my dad also come memories. I often can think the sexual abuse wasn't real. But my body tells me it was so real. I can feel it then as I write about it. The occasion when my mum was away ad I was lying on the settee with him touching my bosy was the most revolting. Mainly because I was complicit in it. But being the father he should have discouraged it. Fucking hell! It's disgusting. Why didn't he stop it? He was supposed to.
Ad then time sin bed when I would try to lie very very still as if I wasn't there because he's be rubbing himself against me. I would feel his willy knowingly as I got older. Ugh it revolts me to the pojnt of wanting to be sick. Why did he do it?? He was unable to help himself. I wonder how the hell he feels about it. Does he feel wrong or does it seem right to him? There is suggestion that paedophiles believe they are doing the right thing. Oh God, please help remove this from me.
This is when the confusion sets in and this can tap into the anger. I am typing more furiously and hitting the keyboard ferociously when I hit the full stop or exclamation mark. it's there. I need to notice this and calm the fury. It's the fury that drives me to want to pick up the phone and text a man. I told JB my realisations that I want him to pick up my anger. He was a prime victime for it. I am sorry for doing that. Then mistaking the anger. I do it unconsciously really yet there it is . I start telling a man who shows a little interest as a text. If they pick up the anger then they muct really like me. What a fucking mix up mess.
And what about my mum in all of this? People say that often issues in relationsip with men is more associated with mother issues than father. I am not sure I see any connection. There is the fact that my mum loved me and I know it. But how do I know it when she was not really there. She adored my dad despite the way he was. She travelled a lot. She worked a lot. She adored people generally ad was a socialite. I could get infuriated with her. Especially when I was a teenager. I think I held anger towards her for adoring my dad when he was so bloody difficult with me. She would sometimes side with me then side with him in a seemingly unreasonable way. Sometimes she would collude with me in bitching about him and other times she wouldn't have anything bad said about him. Sometimes we would be two united in combat with him. I would protect her at the expense of his wrath turning onto me. Oh! That's what I do still with people. And I did it this week with the Psychodrama group.
L had asked S weeks ago to do the Pcyhodrama group. S immediately suckered me into the issue. Then it became a we. Because I like S I allowed myself to be sucjered in. The two of us. But when S started to battle with L I was protective of S. Bloody hell S does not need protecting but there is a dynamic there as she lets me. I wonder if she knows what she's doing or if it's unconscious dynamics for her too. Well I need to step bakc from protecting her. I get it in the neck then from L. It is the same family dynamics. S is my mum, L is my father. 'ucking hell.
Anyway that resulted in L saying we could have said something sooner. There is no point in re-visiting it as the error on my part was long before we were talking about not knowing what to do.
I was also pleased that E told me what L was saying in the clinical governance meeting. She was telling them that S and I are reluctant to do Assessments. E said that it was strange as we always used to do them. what she's not saying is that I don't arrange them as it's never clear where or what her diary is like. There was an enquiry on Wed but I could not commit a time for Tursday as I am never confident that our diary is accurate. And ith there just ebing L and I in it would be ridiculous to try and fit in all the ward rounds and groups and 1:1's and an assessment without first speaking with her. As it happens it's a good job. She had a 1:1 that wasn't in the diary - this was Thurs 3rd Oct if ever ayone wants to investigate.
The time and motion details she is keeping scares me. As I am alswyas afraid of being outed as lazy. Mainly it's a fear that being busy they will give me more and not take into account the fullness of what I am doing already. Some of it of course is private earnings after hours and I haven't wanted that to be removed. I have enjoyed that extra money ad will miss it. There will be a need to readjust of course as working with P there won't be those opportunities. Everything we do will be for the business. The pay is a light increase but £2000 over 52 weeks is not a great deal more - in fact before tax it's a mere £166 per month. That will hardly notice. However travelling will cost slightly less time and fuel wise. And working 4 days per week when I'm studying will reduce fuel costs.
I will ask P if to begin with I can have each Friday off for my studies. That will be so helpful with regard to getting some realy studying done and some down time too. It will be less stressful anyway.
As for the synamics of mother and my choice and behaviour with men. It's not clear to me. With time no doubt it will become clearer.
So today I have chosen not to go to London. Too exhausted with being me in response to the emotional reactions of others has drained me entirely. A day at home doing this and pottering and then the meeting this evening seems enough. I need to study too!
If G feels like a walk today then all well and good. Otherwise it will have to wait until Thurs.
It will be good for me to say I'm unavailable if it's tomorrow he suggests.
I am worrying about being able to have my leave. F was quite direct about that. The P group would not pay me for any unused leave. They are so fucking mean. I am even gladder to be getting out of the environment - even if working for a one man band means there is even less staff investment I know that P as a person invests in people. There is so much difference. I know that if and whn he can invest he would. He cares. The P Group really do not invest in development or care. Another thing that I realise I do not like you see is the staffing principles of the compay. Nothing is perfect but when several things start to build up against me then the whole thing can be unsettling. So that's when it's time to move on or find a way to accept it. It's not acceptable and I s'pose being an addict I want it all. Actually that's not true.When P was the Team Leader, the P Group was still the same. Tosome degree I think F tried to create some degree of staff care. However I think the P Group have even clamped down on that. But even so P kept the team as happy as he could. But once that was gone as well it just didn't suit me. There is nothing wrong in that. I say that ebcause I can give myself a hard time for wanting things to be good. Now that's very unkind to me.
Just when I think I've run out of things that have occurred or run though my mind I have become aware of the fascaintion I have in the macabre. With this tragic situation of little April Jones.
It's now a murder enquiry. It's disturbing me just how engorssed I can be with these cases. Take for instance JH's sister. I was aware of it at the time and even more interested now. With the murderer being realeased it's aroused all this feeling inside of me. Pcyhologically I wonder why people like me become drawn to the macabre. Someone said yesterday that's why people buy newspapers and watch the news. Is that pure interest or do others feel this intensity that I feel too. It's stronger than an interest. I can still recall reading a report in my dad's newspaper of a gril who had disappeared. I can't remember all of the details but it fascinated me that she could not be located and there were clues to say that she was buried underground. I think he was calle dthe black panther. These names that are given to really markedly lable the murderers increase the intensity. Why dowe do this? I am curiosu as to the evolutionary function of this? What could it be matched with in the early days of human development? Is it merely curiosity. But didn't curiosity kill the cat. Is it beyond self preservation? Again there's probably a lot of research into this. INterest in the macabre.
There is the need for bhorror and shockking films. It's not something that's new knowledge about myself but something that I'm jsut sharing with people. I say that because often when I talk about such things with M i get the impression that she feels superiro because she's always known it about herself. I thik I can do that too. Appear as if I've always been aware and aren't you stoopid for not knwing this about yourself. I hope to be able to use that peice of self awareness without having to take humbridge and intolernace of her grandiose self. Be aware and accetant.
I thought of her because I know she has watched ad watched horror frilms. Is she attempting to desensitise from the fears or desenstise from her own issues.
I don't think my macabre interest is to desensitise from my own issues. Just checking on that having written it. It's possible I suppose. But somehow it feels seperate. I immedtiately called J yesterday hearing the news that the April Jones case is now a murder enquiry. I wonder if they are holding the right man? I remember the same degree of curiosity and intensity with the little Soham girls. I remember the feeling of injustice too. Not understanding why they needed to be killed and where was God in that? I feel angry with you God that these things happen to little innocent children. Why don't you protect them? When B (sponsor) said where is God in this today for you Bliss? I felt that anger again. I felt it when she said it the other day. I pleased with God in my younger years without knowing it was God I was pleading to. No one helpe me. I even went to the Church. Both times so helpless and wanting but was not met with any welsome. The one and only person who has been at all welcoming has been Sister N. I avoid her though for fear of being rejected if I won't accept all of her ways. I would like to take a weekend break there and just be. I try too hard with her. I just want to be amongst utter acceptance. I think that is the exxhaustion I feel within me. Time away from everything and everyone seems very appealing. A silent retreat. Me and LouLou and a simply nothing programme. I am pretty certain I would sruggle with that. Maybe I could just take one book to read. Just one immediately became problematic thinking which one - study or fiction? Gosh! I am certainly activity addicted.
So the sunshine is out. G has invited me for a walk some time today. Somewhere on the Downs he says. Where on the Downs?
Okay well I think I'll take LL for a quick village stroll. And then get on with some cleaning and tidying before lunch. I'll need to bathe and prepare my supper because I need to get to the Petersfield meeting to be secretary. I smiled when I learnt it was K from Hayling who is doing the chair. Gosh how she tests my patience. She's lovely but bloody hell her neediness can suck me dry.
I think that's all I have time for now. Good to get that all out of my head including realisations. I have a bit of a headache and I do think I am coming down with something. I ache internally.


Take This Waltz



 

Written and Directed by Sarah Polley
Starring Michelle Williams, Seth Rogan, Luke Kirby, and Sarah Silverman.
I gave it a 4.75 out of 5.
An affair torn between two loves. Once the intrigue develops it gets between love.
I wonder if though it can ever be long lasting love from then on i.e. if it's from a dysfunctional under-emotion or is it true love. In which case was the first love ever true love? Is it possible to keep falling in true love?
Bliss
XX






 

Powerlessness

I am teetering on the edge of annihilation. I am standing in the gateway of hell. I am toying with death, playing Russian roulette.
On Saturday at the Petersfield meeting the second part of Step 12 was read. The part starts with discussion about relationships. From the 12 x12 it reads thus:
"...we do have sex and marital problems, and sometimes they are distressingly accuse."
This is try for me on the basis that it's not the physical sex but that is what's underlying the distressingly acute problem of confusion with sex. It underlies the human attraction. I imagine that with the slightest smile all the hormones and nerve endings are set in motion.
G over a period of months has shown an interest in me. Nothing dramatically obvious. Friendliness in a meeting, then more regularly sitting next to me, then taking my number to invite me to do a chair, then calls, then an afternoon walking. All the time I'm becoming more hooked. There's an attraction about him. But also many things that do not fit. I guess in usual circumstances it would be dating that would reveal if some things are too difficult to live with than the good things or whether they pale into insignificance. Anyhow I have a commitment to not dating and as rightly pointed out to me, one on one anything is a form of dating.
"...Nearly every human being experiences, at some time in life, a compelling desire to find a mate of the opposite sex with whom the fullest possible union can be made - spiritual, mental, emotional, physical. This mighty urge is the root of all human accomplishments, a creative energy that deeply influences our lives. God fashioned us this way. So our question will be this: How, by ignorance, compulsion, and self-will, do we misuse this gift for our own destruction?"
Where do I start? So the gradual drip, drip feed was being mastered. Perhaps knowingly perhaps not. I suspect the former. Gosh! I want to regain my dignity and if even suspecting that to not be sucked into it. I want to trust but I need to listen to my instinct too. After all I know he went out with A who was married. And he has this fondness and ongoing connection with another married woman who once he fantasised about living with. He cancelled a "date" with me because she dropped something on him at the last minute. I know this is the material for my self destruction.
Yes I was disappointed at being dropped. It's how it is and more evidence that this isn't for me. I deserve better. And all my insecurities are on the surface. Late night texts, contact with many women, and I start to go into the decline of comparison. "why aren't I enough?"
We are not having a relationship. We both said that in a semi open conversation on Sunday just gone. A lovely afternoon walk. The discussion included (things I remember) him saying that he has issues making commitments. The other woman - I got the message I believe that she will always come first. He brought up having sex with me. I spoke about a commitment to no dating and just not ready to enter into any relationship right now.
And yet i thought that was enough to then continue with this contact. In fact it increased my desire. The destructive compulsion.
There are a number of things that just don't attract me to him yet there are a number of more subtle things that do.
I keep hearing myself say "you're so like my dad". Cynical, derogatory about people, demeaning and dismissing. He is intelligent as in he knows a lot about facts but in terms of living and kind, he's still locked into the resentments of a little hurt boy and screaming angrily at the world. His solace is in the countryside with animals but without people.
 
So last night I had to go there I suppose. I engineered it so that G would take me to the meeting. I wanted to appear as a particular somebody. God gave it all to me. A person returning to the rooms. A guy seated next to me who was new and from the treatment centre I was using as bait with G. That sounds horrible writing it but it's the truth. All the wrong reasons for going to a meeting. And then the chair talked about a relationship she'd just come out of nearly crippling her. It sounded so familiar. All the usual undignified behaviours and interactions that I have from my past. The indignity that comes with insecurity and already I can feel that with G. The lack of self worth creeping in as I just accept that I am cancelled for someone else who I deem as more important so of course you can cancel me.
Bloody hell. It's not okay. And ironic that I am faced with this unmanageability and insane thinking. The compulsion has been furious. Gaining momentum at the slightest hint of me trying to do it my way. I am meek against this compulsion. I am being sucked into the black hole this time with my eyes wide open.
Thank you God for the clarity to see the signs. I knew them but have been denying them. Thank you for keeping that darkness of denial from completely descending. Thank you for the ability to get honest.
Ironic as I stand on the threshold of Step 3 and making a decision. I really want my recovery. I am an addict without doubt. I am both devastated to really feel the power of it and delighted. I have less and less doubts. Please God may I continue to strengthen my commitment to my recovery.
As the clarity is coming through my desire for recovery I am beginning to know what I need to say.
I will write it as a prompt. I do not want to be swayed. I partially said it but with so much reluctance. I knew I was resistant. Now I'm not. I want recovery. Maybe this will mean another 90 days. I suspect so. Whatever it takes.
The most important thing is that I cut the contact. I don't want to have to but I know I need to. No walks, no more chats on the phone. I hope that G will understand its not him, it's all me. What's good for him I fully accept. I hope that he'll be open to friendship in the future and who knows maybe I'll be more available to date and get to know him better. That's not what I'll say. There must be a better way if saying that. I do not want him to think in any way this is judgement of him. I like him very much and that's the start of the problem.
Thank you God for this resolve. Okay it's now in the action I take.
I commit fully to my recovery.
Please God help me to have the strength to put my recovery first.
Thank you for the vision, awareness and foresight. Including the returning person J , the chair and 12 step reading. Plus all the signs when interacting with G. Thank you God.
Bliss
Xx

Sisyphian G-force

This is a Sisyphian illness. I put one thing down and another pops up. Food down, men up. Excuse the turn of phrase. I really enjoy G's company and by getting overly involved my head is messed up. Questioning what this thing is that we're doing. I need to explain that it is messing with me head whatever it is because I am finding I am liking him more and more. What I need to add that is that I have made a commitment to no dating and that means no one on one contact of any sort. Meetings and when there are other people about is just fine. I don't really want that though. I keep making the commitment to doing it and never doing it.
And as discussed around the AA Big Book stories it is not okay to say "I know I'm over doing it but frankly I'm just not ready to stop." What kind of justification is that?
But I'm not. I like the attention even though my head is a fuzz-ball with it and I'm spinning into the insecurity and loss of myself. Trying to be interesting and jolly and likeable. I am trying to be everything so he has no need to go elsewhere. And yet I am pretty certain like he is for me I am a distraction for him. He doesn't sleep he says. Well he sleeps well enough in the mornings so if he went to bed earlier he would get better sleep. But he doesn't sleep and so I am willing to talk for ages therefore he will call me.
He definately makes bee-lines for newcomer women. What's that all about. He says he's drawing back from E. His reason is that she says some things he finds unpleasant. He hasn't dealt with that. He hasn't said anything he simply withdraws. I don;t want to be with someone like that and yet I am writing this and still planning to find out if I mean something different to him. Oh God help me. Help me to be willing to put all this madness down.
So today we are meeting for a walk. I don't tell M things these days because I always feel judged. Rather than going along with what I am doing I stay quiet and of course she will feel that distance because it's there. And I don't know how to tell her that I feel criticised and judged at times. There is a righteousness that's quite unhelpful.
I need to go an get my breakfast and give LouLou hers too.
This is of course the same illness. It really doesn't matter what it is I pick up. I am a food addict. I get confused why it is so important to keep that label when other labels are not so necessary. However I als see that it doesn't matter what the label is anyway. The fact is that whatever the illness is I have it involves this compulsive and impulsive and obsessive behaviour. Ad this is the first part that I need to step away from to get well. If I keep that alive it can spread and infiltrate the other areas of the mental illness. I already have the compulsive negativity and impulsively turn to self-htred without the bat on an eyelid.
Okay I think I can become more willing. I just need to keep writing about the craziness in my head. Last evening he was standing outside, he was low in mood it seemed and extra critical. He said that this was another meeting he'd start avoiding. I could easily start following him around the rooms. He mentioned going to Bishops Waltham. I will go perhaps but it's Friday so why would I start giving up my committed meetings? I will stop going to Wednesday whilst S is secretary. I find her difficult at the best of times. However G is so extremely negative about lots of people and I can start joining in when all I want to do is find the best in everyone. It is so easy for me to tune into the negativity. His view taints my own.
And then he was standing there on his own. I didn't know whether to go and speak or not but did. He was receiving a text and I assumed there are a number of women he recives texts from. Of course I will not be the only one. There is this woman he was in love with and still fond of. He still has contact with her and her husband. It's all cock-eyed. That doesn't appear healthy. And the same applies to his contact with me. it seems a little predatory and late night calls and unhealthy. I thought that from the beginning. But then what is healthy and how do people get connecting. Bloody hell the step last evening was the second part of Step 12 - talk about sexual relationships and healthy relationships in AA. I know I felt uncomfortable. I thought I detected a discomfort in him too. It's definitely necessary for me to step aside. But it feels so difficult to do this.
And the fact that he rarely works and doesn't present himself very tidily and cleanly.
I can see all the writing on the wall. But I romanticise all of this.
God please help me to have the willingness to put this all down. Pleeeease.
How do I really do that and not hurt him as well. I don't want to. And yet I'm enjoying the attention even though I can take a pretty good view on the reality of ot.
I want him to fall in love with me and want me. To hurt for me like I hurt inside for my dad or someone. But I don't really want him to hurt at all.
It's all too crazy you see - already.
So today we have a date to go out for a walk. A date is a date to meet up whether there is anything romatically insinuated or not is neither here nor there. How can I be so crazy??
As S mentioned - it's like a story she had read in the Big Book with a man running around a lake with his trousers on fire screaming in pain but not jumping into the lake to put the fire out.
I know what's happening to me and yet not doing what I know I need to to put the fire out.
It will result in relapse on food I suspect. I was feeling foody last night. A first sign.

Please God help to find the willingness. I want to ask G today what is actually going on between us because I am beginning to develop feelings for hmi.
But what I need to say is that what we're doing is messing with my head as I am having feelings for him. And I have a commitment to my recovery not to be dating with anyone for the time being. Yet that's what I am wanting more and more. It's definitely not the right time for me to get involved right now.
Okay I need to get bathed and go to the supermarket in time to be back an walk the LouLou briefly before a walk with G this afternoon.
Yet again I am not getting wither the accreditation or the studying done.
Boo to me!!
Bliss
XX
 

Borrowed pic

All memories are a hoax of some sort

The Awakening

Not seeing them is not the same as forgetting.
All memories are hoaxes.


A very good film



This will be a spoiler but I did recognise part the way through a sense of The Others. Mind you having realised this it made it easier for me to watch the scary bits. The anticipation created certainly got me to feel tense and full of angst. I had to keep stopping it. From the beginning though I was looking for the twist. I oscillated between Maud being involved in "real life" to it being a sense of The Others or of course The Sixth Sense. Anyhow, there were resemblances in it for me even though it was different.
I really thought Rebecca Hall was very good. I like her in Parade's End as well. She strikes me as rather beautiful and a good actress to boot. She is great as a period actress. I haven't seen her in anything other than period though. She carried the intellectual role well. Dominic West was also convincing. Rather dashing too in period drama. Nick Murphy looks as if he's one of the masters at period representation having had a look at his long list of historically based documentaries. The titles of some of Stephen Volk's screenplays look a little dubious to me. However I will not write him off. Excuse the pun.
So well worth a watch.

In terms of a story, I found it interesting the implication that memories had been created to eradicate the real memories. Having had a conversation just last evening about my belief that ghosts are really a humans recreation of the past and less about ghost actually existing. However in this the ghosts did actually exist. But no one could see them so perhaps they were repressed memories coming through. Even the poisoning part - there was no vomit visible and she did live.
Interesting ideas to never really confirm that the ghost existed in anything other than her mind. Except for the other little boy who had seen him. Although we never got to see him, he was simply dead from the beginning.
I have seen the arm of a girl. When at Epsom Wednesday NA. I was standing talking at the bar to the teas/coffees person and saw an arm beside me. Very petite and light skinned. When I whizzed around to look there was no one there. And I have also sensed in that room a real darkness emanating from one particular man. It was if the darkness was consuming everyone into it.
So who knows?
My memories and thoughts can create a stir in any place. I can become scared like a little child. Noises and darkness. I am a scaredy-cat really.

Sometimes I just want to be cuddled and protected.

Bliss
XX

 

Ultimatacular

This addiction is so evident to me. I put down food and the self-hatred, the negativity, the dishonesty os suddenly clear and exposed. But then having put down the food, fantasy and men are the next pick up.
As pointed out yesterday my by temproary sponsor (whilst my sponsor is away on holiday) sitting chatting and texting is a way of dating and I have a commitment to not dating.
DOH!
So here we go again, the need to pull back and that means having to say something. It feels so flipping ridiculous and annoying and extreme. At the same time the craziness has begun in my head. And I am encouraging the dating rather than discouraging it. My denial kicks in saying it is only friendship and I can manage this. All I need to do is be clear with him that I get easily confused and by liking him I need to be clear that this is really friendship because I cannot start any kind of "dating". Then the dreams started this morning. Because the longing is there for someone, just to have closeness and be held. And I was shown, thank you God, the pain from the longing, the insecurity, the confusion, the embarrassment, the shame. I really like G as a person, just as I really like JH and JB as people. But the pia starts when they are not the person I want them to be. And I get myself all involved before giving myself a chance to discover whther they are or not. They are all lovely, wonderful people. But that is as far as it needs to go. It is interesting chatting with G but this excessive chatting is not normal. The chaos begins when it's hours upon hours and I start to exaggerate this version of me. I want to appear funny and nutty and interesting and intelligent. I am interested in the things he is talking about and try to respond with things I am interested in and he's not really interested in those things. So I will mould myself to be interested in his things. It's started already you see. And then I wonder what his relationship is with all these other women. You see the signs are there too. Yes he befriends men but he also befriends women and is eyeing them up in the meetings. He told me so. I know it and justify it saying well that's just human. But he befriends women - casually going about his way to be friendly with newcomers, faces that are new to him anyway. He hadn't realised when he first met me that I had been in the rooms longer than little while. I wasn't a newcomer.
However I am really. I am new to a fuller recovery. I am vulnerable. I know that and he doesn't.
So I need to say that it may sound very weird but right now I am committed to not dating. And whilst it is porbably the furthest thing from his mind, what we've been doing, i.e. chatting for hours is laying havoc in my head. I am turning into all sorts of other things so for the time being will need to stop it. And return to jst being friendly and chat in and around the meetings.

Gosh! It seems so extreme and also I'm fed up with having to do this. The escalation is all part of the intrigue and excitement that ultimately takes me away from me in a most spectacular way.
Now why would I enter into all of this again? Well it's the power of this addiction I have, this illness ad the fact is that I am mentally ill. I enter into things despite knowing the probably outcomes. I celverly minimise the actions and justify the behaviours. I quickly forget the dramatic effects of the last relationship. I am nowhere near eady and want to get through the AWOL and gain a stronger more loving and respectful sense of self. During the conversation last evening I was thinking about ways of creating other types of dates such as going to visit plaes togeter - based on his interests of meditation and Buddhism and learning. And then thinking about inviting him for a walk with LouLou. It's all the little hooks I throw out. I want to stop.
Writing this here certainly exposes me. How ugly I feel and do not want this to be a repartee. I need to commit to my recovery. I do commit but I am scared of making it happen now.
I do not want to create a situation of rejection and abandonment. I do want to be heard and understood. God I do not have that power. Please can you guide me here.
I was thinking yesterday that I simply needed to be clear of my boundaries but I didn't say anything and I carried on the conversation into the early hours despite thinking I need to go to bed, despite nearly fallling asleep on the phone, despite knowing that this was contra to my commitment.
I am ashamed yet also know this is the full power in place. Give this addictive part of em room to wriggle and away I go.
I am talking about it and keeping it in the fore. God please please help me to find the strength.

Speaking with S (temproary sponsor) it was so easy to be honest. Except I didn't say I was up until 2am talking because that is absolute evidence that this is more than just a friendly chat. I can dress it up how I like but that is not usual. Not in my own standards anyway. So S suggested that I say to him aside from a meeting that I am realising I'm liking him more than I should. And at the moment I need to back off from that. I am afraid that by saying this he will feel rejected and abandoned because those have been his issues. And as S pointed out this is the craziness becoming evident, already thinking about and worrying aout how he will recieve something I have said. And also there I was looking for a little gift for him to touch him because I noted that things like that are things that stay with him.
It's for these reasons that I cannot be in any sort of relationship. All the mad thinking kicks in so instantly. Ad it shows how subtle this illness I have is - just talking with him and nothing more has provoked all of this in me. It's probably not even crossed his mind and even if it has then his actions are all OK. It's me that has this problem and it's me that has to address it. I should not have encouraged the calls in the first place and now having done so and enabled this lengthy conversations I have to bring it to a close. I wonder God if there is a simpler way of doing this. For instancce I can say I will have to knock the late and long calls on the head.
S reminded me I simply need to move away from the madness. I do not need to give myself a hrd time but I do need to take this seriously.
Step Two:
"We believe and know from experience that a Power greater than ourselves can remove thisobsession, straighen the twisted thinking, and restore the alcoholic to sane thought and behaviour"
"the power of resoning is slowly deteriorated. This encourages deception over our real mental health and fitness; it breeds a superior feeling or false security."
These were the keys from yesterdays AWOL. And the sharing really helped. L spoke about having put down the food she picks up men. She has just started dating and she's several years in recovery. But already there are issues and thankfully she has the esteem and strength to work through it. See G meet a man and start dating and then getting more serious then he ended it - she has to have a strong recovery to get through that. I admire her as I would be in pieces. So I cannot afford to even venture down that path of potential.
S reminded me to share it which I have done - two calls I've mentioned. Well one call and text conversation with T via Viber. I will make another call. I will take some more quiet time. I am writing about it honestly. Do I need to mention it to M?
I will and know that I will get some critique that is not comfortable to recieve from her. It always feels like I've done something really bad. Actually do I really need to put myself in that line of fire?
I'm not sure. I am not having so much contact because I am feeling drained by myself in the regular contact. She will see the contact with G as the reason. It is completely disconnected regards to her but maybe the lack of contact with her leaves a gap that he can wriggle into unknowingly.
I like the lengthy conversations mulling over ideas and beliefs and gaining understanding. But there aren't many people who want to do that. M would but I have stopped because it becomes contentious. I can listen but then the conversatons are M focused often. I don't necessary want to mull over what's going on for me as I do feel criticised. I am not sure that I am being criticised but I get told what to do. I don't really know how to say that I don't want feedback right now becaue she has got so offended by A and S around that. But I now know what and why they did that.
So there is room for a person to step in and hey presto it happens to be a man at the same time who I enjoy the company of. Dangerous combo mixed in with my addictive self.
So here is my mulling over space. And there are plenty of people to call too.

And then I wonder what it really is I'm escaping. It is light relief from the exhaustion of work, the anxiety of studying, the hurt connected with my dad and the fear of him dying. It is the shame of my greed in worrying that should my dad die first there is a battle to be had with T and do I really feel ready for that yet wanting the dough. Ugh! He's not even dead. I hate this sort of thing in me.
It is the avoidance of housework and organising my life and weekly chores to be done and never being done. It is an irritability with M and A recently. Perhaps that's hormones connected too. Some place for that irritable energy to fall.
It is worry about LouLou getting older. It is financial worries. The extra work I am doing is exhausting and yet it's that that keeps me afloat or rather keeps the things going that I want to have like high phone bills, trips to London and galleries, the odd book here and there that never ever gets read.
Oh and I have the ever outstanding accreditation dissertation.
Yep all of these things are easily left behind when flirting. It's nice attention when I want to be feel wanted and adored. I need to find love and respect for myself so that I need that less and less.

Bliss
XX