More on humility

Humility for Today

by Bill W.

AA Grapevine, June 1961

There can be no absolute humility for us humans. At best, we can only glimpse the meaning and splendor

of such a perfect ideal. As the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" says: "We are not saints. . .we claim spiritual

progress rather than spiritual perfection." Only God Himself can manifest in the Absolute; we human

beings must needs live and grow in the domain of the relative. We seek humility for today.

Therefore our practical question is this: "Just what do we mean by 'humility for today' and how do we know

when we have found it?"

We scarcely need be reminded that excessive guilt or rebellion leads to spiritual poverty. But it was a very

long time before we knew we could go even more broke on spiritual pride. When we early AAs got our

first glimmer of how spiritually prideful we could be, we coined this expression: "Don't try to get too

damned good by Thursday!" That old-time admonition may look like another of those handy alibis that can

excuse us from trying for our best. Yet a closer view reveals just the contrary. This is our AA way of

warning against pride-blindness, and the imaginary perfections that we do not possess.

Now that we no longer patronize bars and bordellos; now that we bring home the pay checks; now that we

are so very active in AA; and now that people congratulate us on these signs of progress--well, we naturally

proceed to congratulate ourselves. Yet we may not be within hailing distance of humility. Meaning well,

yet doing badly, how often have I said or thought, "I am right and you are wrong," "My plan is correct and

yours is faulty," "Thank God your sins are not my sins," "You are hurting AA and I'm going to stop you

cold," "I have God's guidance, so He is on my side." And so on, indefinitely.

The alarming thing about such pride-blindness is the ease with which it is justified. But we need not look

far to see that this deceptive brand of self-justification is a universal destroyer of harmony and of love. It

sets man against man, nation against nation. By it, every form of folly and violence can be made to look

right, and even respectable. Of course it is not for us to condemn. We need only investigate ourselves.

How, then, can we do more and more about reducing our guilt, rebellion and pride?

When I inventory such defects, I like to draw a picture and tell myself a story. My picture is that of a

Highway to Humility, and my story is an allegory. On one side of my Highway, I see a great bog. The

Highway's edge borders a shallow marsh which finally shelves down into that muddy morass of guilt and

rebellion in which I have so often floundered. Self-destruction lies in wait out there, and I know this. But

the country on the other side of the road looks fine. I see inviting glades, and beyond them great mountains.

The countless trails leading into this pleasant land look safe. It will be easy, I think, to find one's way back.

Together with numbers of friends, I decide to take a brief detour. We pick our path and happily plunge

along it. Elatedly, somebody soon says, "Maybe we'll find gold on top of that mountain." Then to our

amazement we do strike gold--not nuggets in the streams, but fully minted coins. The heads of these coins

each declare, "This is pure gold--twenty-four carats." Surely, we think, this is the reward for our patient

plodding back there in the everlasting brightness of the Highway.

Soon, though, we begin to notice the words on the tails of our coins, and we have strange forebodings:

Some pieces carry rather attractive inscriptions. "I am Power," "I am Acclaim," "I am Wealth," "I am

Righteousness," they say. But others seem very strange. For example: "I am The Master Race," "I am The

Benefactor," "I am Good Causes," "I am God." This is very puzzling. Nevertheless we pocket them. But

next come real shockers. They read: "I'm Pride," "I'm Anger," "I'm Aggression," "I'm Revenge," "I'm

Disunity," "I'm Chaos." Then we turn up a single coin--just one--which declares: "I am the Devil himself."

Some of us are horrified and we cry, "This is fool's gold, and this is a fool's paradise--let's clear out of

here!"

The colour virtue

Darn it! I wrote out here in this very page the extent of my anger. And blow me over with a feather the flipping thing crashed temporarily and all of my words have gone. Gone into the ether. And what's left? No anger. It's passed. It was in relation to spending time this evening with someone so very dear to me who in my opinion is in the very pits of this disease of addiction. Right now I feel sad to the point of tears, which is the next phase. I was so relieved I picked up the phone to SS and roared my anger out to her knowing that she could hold it and not try to fix it. She related and understood this horrible feeling of powerless. I cannot do a thing to help as hard as I try with talk and ideas and love. It just doesn't get through. And that's so tragic. I will not abandon her which is what people have said to do. I did in the early days of recovery from alcohol but the renewal of the friendship was always essential. A sad waste of someone so talented and clever. Please God I pray for A.
Thank you God for my awareness and for showing me how to do this differently. I knew I needed to speak to someone and to speak to someone impartially was just what I needed.
And also with L today. That was the other thing I had been writing about vigorously. I came across L talking to F (HD). I heard her say "this morning" and "she". As I was the only one in with her this monring I started thinking all sorts of things she was saying that would be lies. Thank goodness I didn;t do what I wanted to do and that was to listen in. After all there I was yesterday saying to a client about the self inflicted torture because he is reading texts and online messages that are truth but hurtful. It's none of my business. And what I did have was God. I asked God for help. I put my turst in God that whatever was being said, I would be OK. It's pride. Me wanting people to think well of me and the injustice of someone lying about me and disparaging my good name. Especially as here I am maing big changes. I need to start saying good things only about her. I need to stop doing that to her. It's a horrid feeling. I've known it before. The fear of being defamed and often with someone else's issues leading the defamation. Treat others as I would like to be treated myself.
Thank you God for guiding me. I feel better about myself too so thank you God for that too.
And this evening I feel very honoured that a friend was able to share a little of themselves. I know it's nothing to do with me but to be present at the moment that person was able to verbalise some deep truths and put trust in being heard - well I am blown away. Thank you God for guiding that person and I pray for them. I know the changes that are taking place in me are just beginnings and there for his taking to.
Thank you God for so much and everything. I pray for more of course - well I am an addict after all. ;)

It's bedtime despite the colour virtue not being finished. I want to continue watching the WHITE programme. I found the BLUE programme fascinating. I will need to watch the GOLD programme as I skimped it. Colour will be talked about by Stephen Fry too on Radio 4. Sometimes wotk just gets int he way. Thank you God for iPlayer. Convenient.

Nighty night and thanks for the release from anger and the amusing way of taking it right away. Gone, for tonight.
oh thank you God for keeping me abstinent today. Amazing, truly!!

Bliss
xx

ps - some more darn it's. I've had a few hot flushes over the past few days. Today they were bigger than yesterday. I hope this doesn't mean they are coming back along with a whole host of other symptoms. Tedious and horrible. I thought I was done and dusted with that!! Poop!

White may be the darkest colour of them all? The purest colour became tainted.
White came to symbolise an enlightened world. But was used to divide and control and then finally to conquer.......

25 Sep 1938 - The Director of the British Museum was on his rounds - but unbeknownst to him an incident was taking place in the basement. Cleaning was taking place of some objects, some of the most prized possessions, the Elgin Marbles.
A number of sculptures. They were once painted in rich colours that had washed away. But at one point we were convinced they had always been wither and were being made whiter than ever before.
The Director put a stop to the cleaning - the culprit - Joseph Devene. He thought the marbles were too brown and believed they should be white. This action had not been approved by the Museum.

The intrigue of white = why was Devene so desperate that the sculptures should be white and so white. The Greek sculptors when to lengths to painting away the white.
Planting white at the centre of European culture was Johann Joaquin Winkelmann, born in 1717 in eastern Germany. He was an intellectual and wanting to set foot in the cosmopolitan areas.
He arrived in Dresden and discovered
He found a store of ancient white statues in all shaped and sizes. There were plenty for hm to feat his eyes on and of the most wonderful. He there and then dedicated his life to persuade others of the beauty.
in 1755 he found a city littered with white columns and so on from ages past. He started recording all the marble he found. The Belvedere Torso and others.
His records got him noticed by the Vatican. He set eyes on the Apollo Belvedere. A copy of which in in Soanes house. This one in the Vatican was believed to be a copy of a Greek original carved in about 300BC


What's truly surprising apart from being the most beautiful man, is it's whiteness. This sculpture shows how sophisticated the ancient Greeks really were.
White symbolised health, simplicity, reason and more.
He celebrated the whiteness of this art.
We should feel indebted by Winkelmann for inspiring the future.
Whiteness is purity. Winklemann's dream of filling the world with this purest antiquity.
An elegant building - home of Britain's most famous potter. Wedgwood. A giant of the enlightenment
He was the grandfather of Charles Darwin - wow
He was a Winkelmann disciple sharing a love for white antiquity.
Voltaire the philosopher, Joseph Banks, botanist,
Wedgwood was determined to bring the sculptor to the edge of comfort an then let them go.
His family were unperturbed and yet I don't see any activity

It was very difficult to reproduce a paint that getting to a white glaze was a constant disappointment for M.
The first great white glaze ....
He turned out a seres of beautiful whits pots.

Neoclassical consists of flutes and columns. As well as available space. I could not imagine anyone coming here!!!!

White had conquered Europe through Winkelmann.
Mid 18th century - a transformation about the way we view white and art.
1859 a  young man married on out shoes - please can you cover today for me

Smidgenless control

Of course, you can't control other people, Bliss. Not even a little; not a smidge. Every man and woman is their own sailing vessel powered by their own thoughts, emotions, and imagination. You can't improve their smile, nor even add to their woes, unless, at some level, they let you.
So, does that pretty much clear up the effect others can have on you?
You rule,
    The Universe

Perfectly - now I know that intellectually but putting in the action to follow up my knowledge, well that's another thing all together. And so much harder to do when I'm tired. I have no business being tired and need to get to bed earlier. That's insanity - knowing I need sleep and pushing it to way beyond the limits.
Universe please help me find the willingness to go to bed early. I get resentful as I arrive home late from work, prepare my meals for the next day and then want to sit and do me things which means I go to bed way later than I need to. I need to find a way to accept this is the way tings are and get to bed early anyway. Well being first, which means letting go of desires.

Thanks
Bliss

xx

Museums - A great British and Soanes day

What a wonderfully mind expanding day. Usually it's after the event that I can really assimilate what I've seen and what I've taken in. I think it was delightful that G and I went up regardless that A bailed out. In the past we have said we'll go anyway and she has ended up coming but this time - no! She is in a real withdrawn state. And when she asked about her size on Friday that was further alarm bells. I can relate to it. It's probably very different thinking but the outcome is the same but A denies it all vehemently blaming money or something else. She will never own that there is a problem with her mental state. I know that too. I fought and fought against it and still can do that. Gradually I've come to deeper understanding and acceptance that I have a mental illness. To be honest I think everyone has mental issues of some variation and to differing degrees. I think my own has escalated over the years. When feeling overweight ad over-sized that has really compounded the necessity to stay out of the general day to day of adventure and socialising. I just have felt so exposed and dreadful about myself. And my hatred for myself is what I project onto others. It's so refreshing and freeing to feel right-sized. I get a natural confidence, not something I need to think about, but I can just go about my business and follow my desires without being hampered by the way I think about my size or about wanting food all the time too.
So yesterday off we trundled to London. I had checked the buses and we exited from Waterloo straight to the bust stop and a bus came long almost immediately. The bus was empty and we sat straight down. I wanted to make the day as easy and smooth as I could for G. I think it all happened seamlessly. Good.
We got off and walked through to Lincoln's Inn Fields. It was interesting being there again but the novelty or need to exorcise the area has since gone having walked by there several times. I pointed out where I used to work. There has always for me been a memory of gloominess about that part of Holborn. It seems grey and crowded in to me. I recalled how in the first days of joining Hogg Robinson Craven House, Kingsway, I used to take my lunch and eat in Lincoln's Inn Fields. I felt quite lonely there to begin with. But I soon started making friends with the lot that went to the pub. I think it was probably Derek that first invited me to go along. There were so few women there. and the drinking eased the situation, there was a common theme. I don't think I was really into the drinking heavily until I went there. When I was in Farnham I had started going to the wine bar with Jane every lunch time when we were allowed. In fact Margaret used to actually encourage us to meet in there. However I think she developed something she regretted. Jane definitely used to drink too much. I could see then she had a problem but her friend Angela was worse or so Jane pointed out. They were always drinking together ironically. So perhaps the drinking had started to take off. It was appealing to drink every lunchtime and it was more about the atmosphere and socialising then but of course really I was shy. The food was definitely already an issue. I was fat/thin/fat/thin and that had been going on since I was 17 years old. The lunchtime drinking started when I was about 23 years old when I left BA and joined Hogg Robinson, Farnham.
So anyway, crossing over Kingsway and winding down the narrow street of Gate Street, where some homeless people are often hanging out waiting for their bed for the night or their food I suppose. There were none along there this day but I think there were a few in the square sunbathing when we stopped for lunch. It was just all so familiar. What amazes me is how closed to knowledge I was. All that time I was around the corner from Sir John Soanes Museum and I was never interested enough for it to have been brought to my attention.

 These two are not homeless I don't think, I  just liked the blue and orange.

Not sure if this guy is homeless but amused me his hat pulled down over his face, sleeping in the hot sun at lunchtime.



Winding through Gate Street is how I imagine London of old. The narrow streets and darkness, a little of Dickens London is conjured. And then breaking free into the lovely Lincoln's Inn Fields. We walked along and there we were at No. 12. What an amazing house. What a collector Lord Soanes was. I will post here the pages of the little booklet.
What I have learnt so far is that John Soanes wasn't a wealthy man but managed to get to the RA and studied architecture. He was the architect of the Bank of England although apparently a lot has been changed since originally built to his design. And many of his designs were never built and some have since been destroyed. How tragic. He designed a palace that was to be built on Constitution Hill. Where is Constitution Hill? Oh it's by Green Park on the way to Buckingham Palace. Why on earth would they want another palace by THE palace? Well clearly they didn't. It looked gorgeous though.
He won a scholarship to RA - a travelling scholarship apparently. His talent was spotted and he was mixing in the right circles. He married an heiress but surely an architect in those days would have been a high earner anyway no? Aha, apparently he could earn 5% of the buildings value. A considerable amount I would imagine for say the Bank of England but no doubt income was sporadic to begin with. His wife though inherited and it is with her money that he could set up his home.

I must go food shopping darn it as I'm enjoying this learning - then it'll be AWOL time. Oh well. I'll do as much as I can and for as long as I'm interested. It just makes the history hang together to encounter these people from the past and link the with buildings. I truly do find this all so fascinating and alive despite them being so long gone. Their legacy lives on.

OK Back from shopping and bloody hell I stopped at the little market and spent a further £15 on a little silver bracelet. I like it. But I really can't afford these little treats. After all I spent over £40 yesterday on being out and about and a wonderful book on Hogarth's paintings.

A Rakes Progress - this was the real draw for me after learning that Grayson Perry was inspired by this series by William Hogarth ... I appreciate his satirical look at life.

The Heir

 The Levee

The Orgy

 The Arrest

 The Marriage

 The Gaming House

  The Prison

 The Mad house (Bedlum)

All 8 paintings and these were actually acquired by Eliza for approximately £600.
I loved them and could have spent a lot longer examining them.





Anyway Sir John (not Lord) Soanes born in 1753 and died in 1837 (the year of Queen Victoria's accession to the throne) making him 83/4 when he died. A long old life. His was an unhappy life though. He and his wife had four sons, two of whom died in early childhood. I guess that was fairly usual in the 18th century. Then one of them died when he was in his thirties. The other was a gambler and Sir John accused him of contributing towards Eliza's death.
So I've just read that Parliament had made King George king of England. They were intent on keeping a protestant line when Queen Anne had not borne any heirs. So the House of Hanoverian took over. King George was apparently a pretty absent King spending most time in his home of Hanover. He didn't speak much English. This really was a sign of the inefficacy of the monarch really. Parliament ran the show absolutely and truly since the civil war. That was when? 1653 to 1659.
A Canaletto - what an incredible painter ....

AWOL time and then lunch and then straight out for a meet up with A. This will all have to wait especially as I've realised the number of Kings and Queens that I've really not paid any attention to. Fascinating.

The AWOL was just brilliant. Step Two. Reading about the insanity. The sharing as always so helpful on the subject of insanity. I recognise that without the food I am still completely insane. This insanity spreads further than the addiction itself and of course the insanity will lead back to using. I can see the insanity manifesting as negativity towards myself or towards others. And also in honesty versus dishonesty. There are things I don't want to give up, such as downloading. And it's easier to pick up a lie rather than be honest and take responsibility for myself. For example when missing the call to my sponsor on Tuesday morning. I was so afraid of being disapproved of and the internal shame that would bring not to mention the fear of being rejected that I said I'd called and it was engaged and so got distracted. Wow! All too easy to lie than take responsibility. I was glad to take responsibility after that. And then the dishonesty through omission. I have not said that I've chosen to go out for a meal. And I am and I will if the invite is still there. I have no intention of not going. And yet I haven't aid this to my sponsor. This is the insanity. The insanity also involves the food of course. You know what I mean? Eating too much food and expecting to remain slim. Then using laxatives to overcome the over eating despite creating stomach problems and living in fear of causing serious problems. And the consequences of using laxatives have been so embarrassing. And yet still taking them despite the risk of the same happening. But now the eating of food is the very last part of any relapse. The slip starts long before with the negativity, the resentments, the comparison, the judgements, the mania, the expectation, the self hatred, the dishonesty, the fear and so on. And it's at this point I need to start using the tools I've been shown. Quiet time, prayer on my knees, readings, calling out, speaking honestly with my sponsor, whatever it takes to ensure I stay away from the insanity of the various shapes of negativity.
So yes this first week of Step Two has been so enlightening already. And this past week I think I've been living it. I've been more acceptant of the situation just as it is with L and with my father. And so by being acceptant I haven't gone into being unmanageable. Well apart from Monday night Tuesday morning which was a degree of manic behaviour because I was so terrified. In fairness to little me I hadn't realised quite how terrified I was and this seemed to have nowhere else to go except in manic behaviour. And then of course the lie to my sponsor occurred which was actually a decision and insane. There was no rational reason or need for a lie but this then feeds the unmanageability because at some level I feel guilty and ashamed and uncomfortable so my self-esteem is affected too. It's the vicious cycle.
So having accepted that's what I did I can take responsibility for that and pray to God to help me to move away from such behaviours as well as ask God for help in identifying my responses and reactions. And I am thankful to God for the awareness even so. It was with awareness that I did make phone calls and speak about the escalating mania. I got some suggestions, followed them and the mania dwindled and I could function even though on high energy, the silliness didn't ensue. My goodness, thank you God.
Get it? It's so flipping simple and yet all these years I've been intellectualising something I wasn't really getting at a deep heart-felt and soul level. This week I actually experienced it and have felt the shift and moments of serenity and feeling OK about myself and OK towards L. She is an oddball that's for sure however I can get along with her and let her be. If I can do that then maybe something will shift in her. In the meantime I will keep asking for God to help me to be how He would ant me to be. Those people thinking I'm suddenly religious couldn't be further from the truth. And those who say they are atheist - well I'm right there with you. How do I explain this coming to sanity through a Higher Power? I am a part of the Higher Power, as is everyone else exactly as they are, as is everything exactly as it is. I can't explain it other than that. It's  not religious doctrine that I speak of but something way beyond that. It's not afterlife or making a way back to the creator. And yet it's all about creativity and love and legacy etc. That's all little parts that make up the whole.
I have belief in this even though I cannot put it into words. And blimey there are far more educated people that I who have tried to put it into words and then blow me over it becomes a religion. No, no, no. This is private and personal, I would lend it to anyone who needs it. But I cannot explain it and actually I don't want to. It is what it is, there are no rules to it, there are no expectations, there are no conditions. It is just there for the taking.

Well that's way of course from earlier this morning. I have had such a full weekend you see.
I went to Hinton Ampner House, Hinton Ampner. It's about 15 minutes drive from me. I met with A and we went off for a visit around the stately home first of all. A real bonus that for today if I gave some details I could enter free on A's membership. Fantastic. A saving of £8.50 when I've spent such a lot on myself this weekend. I bought a water and made a 50p donation to the little church for the candle I lit with my mum in mind. That's not so bad.
Lord Ralph Dutton, I like the name Ralph actually, was the 8th and last Baron of Shelborne. He died with no heirs. I suspect he was gay but gosh do I jump to assumptions. His hone was beautiful though. He was a great collector of stone tables, Lapis Lazuli, blue john and Egyptian porphyry amongst very plain marbles. An amazing amassment of glorious stones. And wooden tables as well as desks, incredible vases, busts, paintings. A real treasure trove all donated to the National Trust on his death because none of his distance relatives would probably have loved and nurtured it as he did. So to preserve it he donated it.
The home was very homely in its grandeur and I could clearly imagine the weekend guests there. A and I were choosing our room and enjoying settling in to the weekend stay. In the dining room we chatted amongst the other guests over breakfast overlooking the wonderful gardens to the rear and enjoying the early morning mists rising over the fields, not another human in sight. The chatter was all about the plans for the day. Ralph had laid on some riding and a party in the evening. I was suspicious of Georgina having an affair with Lord Scott. They exchanged glances all last evening and continued to do so this morning. I think they have plans. A said she would follow them secretly when they go off for their next stroll in the gardens. So many places to secrete and affair without being spotted from the house at all. Typical me, I was looking forward to my romp with the extraordinarily good looking gardener. Lady Chatterley without the lady bit. Why couldn't I be interested in the rather dashing looking but extremely boring Lieutenant Rogers. He was a socialite with money. He wouldn't stay interested for long but dinner had been so tedious. At least Ralph, gay or not, knew how to not only look dashing but act dashing. Rogers was, well dull of conversation. I want lively. Cecilia was tiresome too. Poor A got really caught up in discussion with her. As always I got engrossed in conversation after dinner with the famous psychiatrist, discussing passionately our theories on healing. I am sure Rogers found that tiresome being of military background and no truck with matters of the mind other than strategy, the rest was emotionless and brawn. I adored the fay Emilia. I noticed Ralph rather entertained by her. The epitome of the creative, ooooohing and aaaaahing at all the treasures and quite unrefined about it. Gushing with ideas for her next works inspired by Ralph's collections. of course he loved this. And I think secretly pleased when I commented on the dreadful clock. I didn't mean to offend but when I said it was like something you won at the fun fair for shooting the birdie, he squirmed slightly.
Bouncing on my bed I was excited about the party. Would he be inviting more guests. I watched and watched Ralph to see if he was attracted to any particular women or one or two of the young whipper snapper men he always seemed to have invited. Who they were always seemed a mystery to me.
The staff seemed so loyal to Ralph too. Well who wouldn't be, he was so gentle.
How exactly did they keep their fortunes going, this family? Obviously being a baron brought it's dues I imagine. His title of Baron entitled him automatically to be involved with Parliament so I guess people would always want him about and I would imagine companies paid dues in some way for his name to be involved in their business. He wrote books but I doubt they would fetch the kind of money it would take to run his estate. Staff didn't live in other than his butler. Now of course they were incredibly close. All his friends are high business men and titled. He is not so involved with the creatives other than the odd one or two like Emilia. He certainly has adventurers, pioneers around him though. I wonder if they are always pestering him for money?
Born in 1898 and died in 1985, his father seems to be an active politician, holding a seat for his area of Hampshire in Parliament. That of course brings wealth. I think there were earlier fortunes made from the wool industry. Of course money makes money. But often we learn of these titled families with assets such as properties etc but without the cash flow to be able to really live according to their title and supposed status. I am not a supporter of the aristocracy being more of a socialist to some degree but not the whole way. However, it is interesting learning about them and how they pillage their fortunes. OK, OK, aristocracy I'm only joking - sort of.
So Ralph was around when Queen Victoria was still reigning, but of course he lived into Kings Edward VII George V, Edward VIII, George VI and Queen Elizabeth. My goodness he would have seem some changes in everything, socially, culturally, scientifically, politically, economically, fashions. He also lived through two world wars. Crikey! What a life he experienced.
In the chapel there appeared to be a sister mentioned.
Anyway it was lovely afternoon out. I noticed how A analyses and talks about recovery all these years on and blames, no not blames, but the focus in mainly on I. She is somehow keeping the focus just about on herself and has years of experience in recovery to be able to do this. However she is new into this committed relationship. She quickly adds that they have some really lovely times but all she ever talks about are the difficulties. And the healing of the inner child and the process etc. Thank goodness I can sit and listen to that with some interest but I also hear an analysis and not how she is living through it. I probably do but I am not listening to that bit because it doesn't seem to be the loudest bit.
She showed me their 20 week scan pictures. And there is a 90 per cent chance it's a little girl. Inevitably we talked about names. A asked about me, I summed up quickly. I don't know why. I didn't need to go into analysis this time just that this has how it's been and this is how I've been dealing with it. I think I was all positive actually. I feel all positive.
I left it with A to contact M to see if there's a date we can all meet together for a walk. I will wait to hear. A and I didn't arrange another meet at this time. She didn't offer and neither did I. I do feel that she is all wrapped up in her relationship and the baby and so on. She has a very regular connection with her family of origin let alone with I. I suggested we meet up one time for a meal out to get to know hm better. She suggested a lunch - I'll send her a list of Sundays I could make it bearing in mind I have my AWOL. It would have to therefore be local and a late lunch place. I wonder if the Lord Thomas serves late on Sundays. There may be places that do all day servings. I'll ask her, she might have more time to research it.
I offered a very good plumber - D. If she doesn't hear from hers that could be some business for him and a good worker for them.
Finally I have emailed to suggest the lunch with I. Let's see what happens.

So meanwhile back to yesterday. I'm a little tired as things have moved on already.
After the Soanes G and walked up to the British Museum. We both went and looked at the Rosetta Stone. Again for both of us. Amazing really that they deciphered so much from it.

I know they're not clear. I'm sorry.

I then scooted off to The Horse: from Arabia to Royal Ascot. An exhibition that was really quite interesting, bringing artefact's together in the name of the horse.

I really was taken by Ahmed Moustafa's Horse and Horseman.
Painted using Islamic calligraphy. In real life it was stunning. The blues and gold really captivating. Somehow the horseman lets it down for me. He doesn't do the horse justice nor the splendour of the colours. But I love the capture of the Arabian horse truly I do.
The Arabian horse can be traced genetically through most race horse. This doesn't surprise me I suppose.
There was an exquisite shadow puppet. And this raised an interest in these puppets.
There were some absolutely beautiful Qurans on display. The association is that the horse is mentioned throughout the Quran apparently. But these were truly like jewels.
And of amazing draw was a Rembrandt sketch. Apparently he did 21 drawings inspired by the Moghul miniatures -

 
I truly loved this. Yep this is the one I wanted the most.
It was an interesting exhibition. I liked the idea of a theme that brought many things together. Including the Queen's colours. And photos of her receiving the winners cup in some race or other. HM was receiving it from her hubby Prince Philip. That must be funny for them really.

There was a Persian saying - say flower hear flower.
I noted it without really absorbing the relevance and now can't find anything about it.

I want sketches by Rembrandt ...

This is a photo of one of the sketches. I loved it.

It was amongst the sketches by Picasso - it was a delight seeing these. He was a genius too.

This is another photo I took of one of Picasso's sketches of Vollard. Vollard was a renowned art dealer. Now this is an area that so far I am unaware. A little like curating. All the layers are peeling back. It's interesting to learn about other angles of the worlds into which I dip. It's not just about the gallery and the contents or a play and the actors. There are themes and links and interconnections that I can overlook and am enjoying learning more about.

British Museum information about Picasso
"This exhibition of Pablo Picasso’s most celebrated series of etchings, The Vollard Suite, will be the first time a complete set has been shown in a British public institution. The Vollard Suite comprises 100 etchings produced by Picasso between 1930 and 1937, at a critical juncture in Picasso’s career. This exhibition celebrates the recent acquisition of these etchings, thanks to the extraordinary generosity of Hamish Parker. It is the only complete Vollard Suite held by a public museum in the UK.
The prints were made when Picasso was involved in a passionate affair with his muse and model, Marie-Thérèse Walter, whose classical features are a recurrent presence in the series. They offer an ongoing process of change and metamorphosis that eludes any final resolution. Picasso gave no order to the plates nor did he assign any titles to them. Picasso kept the plates open-ended to allow connections to be freely made among them, yet certain thematic groupings can also be identified.
The predominant theme of the Vollard Suite is the Sculptor’s Studio (46 etchings), which deals with Picasso’s engagement with classical sculpture. At this point he was making sculpture at his new home and studio, the Château de Boisgeloup outside Paris. The etchings of his young model, Marie-Thérèse, represent a dialogue alternating between the artist and his creation and between the artist and his model. Various scenarios are played out between the sculptor, the model and the created work. Among them is the classical myth of Pygmalion in which the sculptor becomes so enamoured of his creation that it comes to life at the artist’s touch. Classical linearity and repose within the studio also alternate with darker, violent forces. The latter are represented by scenes of brutal passion and by the Minotaur (15 etchings), the half-man, half-animal of classical myth, which became central to Picasso’s personal mythology. Picasso in a spirit of competitiveness tips his cap to his great predecessors, Rembrandt and Goya. The series concludes with three portraits of Vollard himself, made in 1937.
For the first time the etchings will be displayed alongside examples of the type of classical sculpture and objects that Picasso was inspired by, something which the British Museum is in a unique position to do. As well as this, Rembrandt etchings, Goya prints and Ingres drawings from the Prints and Drawings collection will also be displayed as their influence can be seen in some of Picasso’s works.
The Vollard Suite takes its name from Ambroise Vollard (1866-1939), the greatest avant-garde Paris art dealer and print publisher of his day, who gave Picasso his first Paris exhibition in 1901. In exchange for some pictures, Picasso produced for Vollard a group of 100 etchings between 1930 and 1937. The mammoth task of printing some 310 sets, plus three further sets on vellum, was completed by the Paris printer Roger Lacourière in 1939. Vollard’s unexpected death in a car accident that year, followed by the outbreak of the Second World War, delayed the distribution of the Vollard Suite until the 1950s by the dealer Henri Petiet who had purchased most of the prints from the Vollard estate. The set acquired by the British Museum comes directly from the heirs of Henri Petiet and so has an impeccable provenance, having never been shown in public before, and is in pristine condition."

The British Museum - information about The Horse.
A mould that dates between 2000 to 1800BC is one of the first known representations of the horse and is a mould from Babylonia.
Apparently the horse was domesticated about 3500BC.
The horse replaced the donkey. It was faster, had more stamina and had a better temperament.

George Stubbs of course featured heavily. His anatomy of a horse was there.
Stubbs in singled out as a portrait artist of horses because of his understanding of what was going on under the skin. He spent 18 months dissecting horses and in his etchings shows the workings of the horse, "this wonderful animal" states the British Museum curator Nigel Tallis. I would like to know how to be a curator. Apparently tubbs' fame was achieved on the basis of his understanding

Think like a Lady

Can you believe this? I have registered for Lady Magazine to look at the classified ads and see if there are any suitable positions. Looking after people or houses. What I am really hoping for is that PD's efforts will come off and we can have a lot of fun. I know he will be fair and flexible to work for. What I hope for God is that I won't take advantage of that. I want to be good fair and honest back. I know I can want too much.
However, it's got to be worth a look. It came to mind with a client advertising for someone to look after his mother. And thinking of the surroundings it all sounded rather glamorous in a way. of course the reality is something quite different. I wouldn't be swanning around using all the facilities. I'd be an employee looking after someone or somebodies who are needy of assistance and probably pretty demanding too, I wouldn't wonder.
Anyway it's a bit of fun reading them and then I can apply to see what happens. There is one offering accommodation but probably no salary. They want a reliable available person. I wonder how available is available? Well let's enquire and see. They make take a look at my CV and not be interested from the off-set. But unless I have a go there's nothing to be discovered. Perhaps I am slightly manic? Or maybe just a phase of a little more confidence and adventurous. It doesn't need labelling to just be what it is and use the energy to explore whilst it's there. I don't have to make any decisions apart from exploring and enquiring.
I realised this morning how furious I was with D for relapsing. Sneaking food. That was me without
doubt and it's probably me I'm angry with. That sneakiness. Ugh ugly. And then the shame of being caught too. Poor D. I was angry yesterday and knew it but was within the anger. Today I realised how his relapse was on my min and my saying "you've relapsed" too. I was thinking about how that came out in shock and anger and probably wasn't very therapeutic at all. I didn't follow it up. I wish I had got someone else to speak with him but I just wanted to get out of there.
I think my anger was still running the show when Dr G came to chat about the other D. I wanted to get my point across. But I was listening. I wanted something to happen in-house. But Dr G felt it was better to have this done externally. I feel that it's an important procedure because it will determine a way forward that D needs to take. Anyway it can be discussed further. I'm not very persuasive I realise. Not a good negotiator. I put my point of view across that differs from others and I am then more argumentative than persuasive. L just goes against me. Dr G I think is a very forceful man. His way is the way. So it's better to not fight with people like that. But it does leave me feeling something .... unheard? I then turn this into feeling wrong. I really think it would easy for the text to be one in-house. It's happened without any issue via Dr C. The information is there. I will enquire how thorough it is as that was the inference by Dr G. It was only partial. But actually he's right a thorough test is required so I can concede not to know anything too much about the depth of the procedure.
Anyhow thank you God I have a sponsor to talk through my anger with. I am sure when people read the word anger it conjures something bigger than what it actually is. People seem to prefer to use the words such as irritation or frustrated or other minimal words. The reality was that I was angry. In visual form it wasn't red-eyed anger, or steaming anger, or thumping anger or even stomping anger. it wasn't violent in anyway other than cutting anger. I was angry enough to make that cutting remark. It's a sort of cutting to the quick. Which is a form of violence - literally it means to cut to the underlying layer of flesh or to the bone. But it's something my mum did and that was to criticise emotionally. It is a critical manner that hurts. Rather than being gentle and understanding but real. I am sorry God for doing this and please I pray for D. Can you take care of him please God. He needs gentleness. Even though it is annoying. It's the sneakiness that got me. And that's something I was - often. And can still be for example agreeing to meet with JH for dinner and not having told my sponsor. It's a decision I've taken and I should be big enough to say on this occasion I'm not taking on your suggestion. There are risks of residual feelings coming up and perhaps that's what my violent dream last night was about. Gosh funnily enough it involved cutting.
To begin with I was in a public house and I think with someone I knew who had this very violent, nasty partner. It was someone older than me but they were very quickly insignificant. I knew that this guy was dangerous and somehow was trying to be bold and protective. He was wielding a knife around her threatening her to do as she was told. Whoever she was was very scared. I had my little vegetable knife and showed it to him. He came over to me then. He laughed at me with my little knife and quickly had me pinned down as I was struggling against hi. He laughed at me again saying don't be so stupid this is a scalpel. I was wrestling not to let the blade get close my skin as he was holding me own with it in his hands. I wanted to stab him but realised this would cause a frenzy of his violence. Then although the other person was always in the background and all the children, I don't know who this family were, it became about him controlling me. I was terrified. I tried to get the kids out and I think I succeeded. I think at one point I even got away but had to go back or didn't quite get away. I had managed to get his knife. It was ceramic and lethally sharp. I was pretending I was coveting it for him to keep it safe. He didn't trust me but let me say that, cunningly trying to outwit each other without any trust at all. I was trying to get everyone away by getting him to trust me which meant I had to take them back to. I hated that I had ti lie to them to make them think too that it was all legitimate so that nothing would be given away to him.
Horrid! I awoke only to carry that on. I was back in the Master slave situation only this master was really violent and didn't care. In my fantasy of this horror he grabbed me violently in the crutch and spoke to me spitting in my face nastily with his finger inside me. He wanted me to masturbate and told me that I would come to love him for those moments when he might be nice to me. This is the vile thinking and fantasy that I hate about me. It's there and arousing and I am disgusted by it. I cannot tell anyone for my shame of it too. I wonder why I am like this? I think I must be very sick in the head and dangerous. I am scared of these thoughts. And I fell asleep and carried on the same violent dream, him hurting me and being cruel and violent. There was no arousal in the dream just terror. What is this sickness??
I have to go. I'm going to London with GB. I'm looking forward to the museums. It's such a shame AB doesn't want to go out at the moment. She had blamed her hair. She had her hair done yesterday and now is blaming money. She didn't want to go to the theatre last week and blamed it on their situation with M. I don't even know there really is a situation with M. She is just closed down again from the world. And yesterday was asking if she needed to lose weight. She doesn't but clearly there is a worry going on within her. I recognise it from being that way in myself. Curbing my life by the insanity. Not being able to do anything about it. Thank you God something is being done on  daily basis and I can a little more freedom from the prison keeper that is me.
Violence, my dad, cutting, my internal prison, shame, anger. Gosh a dream easily associated with many things going on. I could probably write more words that I could easily associate but I really must go.
Happy hot Saturday. First for a while and probably the last for a while.
Bliss
XX

ps God thank you for some clarity with every little step of the way. Please help me to act as You would have me act and be closer to you in attitude, beliefs, faith, emotions. I would love to go about my business with the Grace of God.
Your will be done.

On the scent of a track ....

A reflection of the week will only just about sum up the detail of all that I have observed and learnt about myself this week.
Monday was the day of the returning boss. It is in hindsight that I realise that actually I was full of terror. I was tense all day. And expecting a tirade. I can't remember the details of the day now, thank goodness. But what I can see is a process within me. The terror developed into a growing mania. I was on the phone to V and at the same time sketching. I was on the phone for quite some time. It was interesting listening to V speaking about himself and his situations. At that point I could sense the mania was escalating in me. The sketch was complete and it was suddenly important to scan it and download it onto all the various outlets right there and then. I think I did some other things and ended up getting to bed very late. Then at 2:20 am my mobile phone went off. I recall switching it off. About 20 minutes later my landline rang. This time I got up always worried that when the landline rings it will be my dad or about my dad. I could hear talking but not to me. Someone had dialled my number in error it would seem. I went off to sleep.
Then my alarm went off as normal and up I got. It was my turn for Aftercare so I had the entire morning, something I cherish. However, I was manic I think. And what was a revelation is that the stress and terror had been the trigger to the mania. Now there were several things that happened. I got involved texting and emailing JH which resulted in me missing my regular call to my sponsor.That has not happened before. And you know what I did as soon as I realised? Apart from dialling the number knowing she had left. I left a message saying that I had tried calling and it was engaged and then got distracted. That was a lie. So another realisation is that I pick up a lie as easily as I pick up food. I lied to avoid being disliked and a bad girl and then being rejected. More abandonment is just a horrible feeling that is so ingrained and automatic that I don't even feel it. So I learnt to lie resulting in me not getting i trouble at that moment. The problem is that something wouldn't be sitting right in me and so between me and the person I had lied to and ultimately I was untrustworthy. And it always gets found out one way or another. Thank goodness I was able to get hold of my sponsor later in the day and whilst I didn't discuss the whole lie thing I did explain the truth of what happened.
So anyway prior to eventually speaking with my sponsor I became repeatedly warned that I was being airy and not present. I burnt the saucepan twice. I'd already missed the call. There were a strong of events that showed me that I was slightly off the wall. Not completely. I have been there and this was mild. Anyway speaking to my sponsor was somewhat grounding. And then I spoke with E from FA. I had seen her website as I was sending the link for JH to take a look at. By the way he passed comment that he liked what he saw. I hope he managed to get in contact and see her work. There is one piece which she thinks is serenity that really looks exactly that serene and tactile. I want to see her work and am hoping to get to her studio or something when I go to Brighton next week.
So I called E and she suggested I stop before I go into work and listen, really listen to some classical music. Good idea. And that's just what I did. I listened to every instrument I could distinguish. And it worked. I went in to work and we had supervision. I went with the flow.
Now here was an interesting change. L kicked the meeting off talking about a client she is working with on a 1:1 basis. Of specific interest though was her lack of basic skills. As I listened and the saw the others chipping in, I carried on listening. At the right moment for me I made a suggestion but not after S had been pointing something out that L was disputing as she does. I asked her something in a different way, attempting to really hear her and this gave me the inroad as well to make a suggestion. I want to become more practiced at really hearing through my listening. I want this both in my working practise and my day to day interactions with friends and fellows. Anyway I am judgemental when I say some of the things seemed the very basics of what we do, which further confirms S's suspicions that she is a rooky. In myself I observed how immediately angry I felt that she was using our clinical supervision for her 1:1 client. A client we have never and are unlikely to meet. The others seemed to go with the flow of it so I stopped myself and went with the flow too. It was opportune in watching and participating in supporting her floundering. She was talking about how this client gushes everything out and also L displayed her resentment and judgement towards another treatment facility but also her complete grandiosity. She accused the other place of not working, in a round about way. Which she manipulated into saying that she felt an obligation to get this client well. I think she thinks she offers the best treatment. And yet I also think she is hugely out of her depth. people in glass houses ..... my training is very basic! I am glad I stopped to listen. It took a lot of our time and A pointed out the similarity between what she called it flooding and how L was flooding us with the story of this client. We did get on with some other matters but there was little time for the entire group after A had told us about family groups.
I loved Aftercare but got back very late and still had to prepare my meals. There was a message from my dad on the answer machine. He said that he was in hospital for observation. He didn't say where or for how long but said he would call me when he could. He hasn't yet. By Thursday morning my anxiety was rising and I decided to try and track him down. I found out he was on G9 ward. This made me smile in a way as that was a little family joke. There was a juke box in the hotel in Corfu King somebody hotel. My mum, dad, Karen (my friend) and I. Poor Karen was struggling with alopecia at the time. It was also her first flight ever. There was a particular song G9, a Greek song that we played over and over again. The staff in the hotel would dance with us some evenings. I don't actually recall how old we were. My ad liked it too. Anyway I was able to discover that G9 was the renal ward. I found this out mainly because the switchboard put me through to G7 who said he was on G9, yes I already knew that and before they transferred me I asked what the ward was. The renal ward which instantly worried me. My dad had a kidney transplant in 2000 or was it earlier. No I really think it was 2000. My mum died in November 2001. He married T in Sep 2002. Blimey! It all still surprises me. Anyway I was put through explained I was my dad's daughter and that he had left a message to say he was in. The nurse started saying he is comfortable but ... She hesitated and then said I can't give you any information over the phone over than to say he is comfortable and walking about and not in any pain. That sounds ominous. I am sure the stress of T being in intensive care is not assisting his own health issues. I am scared for him. I doubt he is telling me anything close to the truth. Anyway I nearly skulked off into oblivion again by saying thank you and putting the phone down. Instead I asked her if she could give my dad my mobile number. She took it and I juddered from within with fear. Thinking of the wrath of my dad when he discovered that I had tracked him down. There was a missed call from a mobile I didn't recognise. Twice. That would infuriate him even more, that having left the message to call I wasn't answering my phone. In the past there were occasions when he called at work and would bawl me out because I was busy. My goodness my dad is an angry man. Anyway I decided I could face his wrath. I was prepared to say that I had been concerned and just wanted to let him know I was anxious to know how he was doing. In my mind there was an image from Xmen2. One of the characters steps outside to take on the full brimstone and fury fire of the planet. She knew she would die but faced it anyway for the greater good, i.e. her patriots. That was what I envisioned for me. I would stand there and take it except the various ages of me are my patriots and this time it would be highly unlikely I would die. Anyway every day I wait and still no news.
Tomorrow I am going to London with GB. We'll be going to Sir John Soanes Museum and British Museum. I think I feel somewhat guilty because I ma not visiting my ad. But then I also want to respect his wishes to keep me out of things. I just would like him to know I care and am waiting with angst all of the time. What if he were to die? Would anyone call me? Is T still in intensive care? How serious is this situation for my dad? Will I get any inheritance.
What I have had is a degree of acceptance that this is how he treats me. I feel enormous sadness for the all the wrongs I brought to his door. I feel so sad that our relationships has been so troubled for so long. I feel anger towards him too. I also feel acceptance that this is just the way he is. He is not going to change for me. But as I've said I am prepared to face the wrath. It is becoming similar with L.
I no longer need to hear her nonsense. And on Wednesday evening I said that I need some allocated time in a week to do outstanding admin and also I haven't done any FFg for ages. So suddenly she said she would do the majority of the groups. Blimey! And she did. I got one discharge summary done. The rest of the time I was the photocopier copying, or on my phone or email texting and emailing. That's what I do a lot of.So this was more enormous selection for acceptances. I asked myself yesterday evening if this was false? I am truly hoping it's not but also it feels right and there's no explanation of that. What a beautiful sight, unity amongst a team of clients mainly wanting to work and bring about change. It's remarkable and peaceful.
So the biggest thing this far into recovery is the acceptance that's there. It goes when I need to rely on God and keep praying for the trust to have a belief in something other than simply me, although God is within me too. I believe God is in me and working through me.
The clairvoyant now says it's time to move on I've been there a long time now.
However I later caught him having had a biscuit. Now the same and guilt he'll be feeling could easily result in the blaming the recommendation or the room etc. Lets hope D is well enough to have boundaries in the group.
Oh then there was more contact with JH. And a little excitement was there. I have since spoken with him. As I was listening I realised nothing had changed. At first hearing his voice was enticing despite my feelings of shame from the past behaviour. But then as I listened more I realised that I was getting beyond everything now. His circumstances and my distrust was of no interest to me. It is nice to be able to be friends in some way. It is lovely that he has invited me to dinner. And I accepted. He is staying in places that I've been able to recommend. And that's all there is to it.
I met JB on Thursday and listening to his passion for his latest music project. I hope something comes of it for him. However, there is something missing for JB. It has never happened so far. Now is that a distinct lack of popularity and being an interest for a minority. Or is it just not having the breaks. Or is it his controlling of it all. I'm not sure but it would be nice if something he valued came of it such as to be able to play something of his or to get a comment from someone he respects musically,. like David Bowie he mentioned. If only he were in the rooms he could tag along an meet RS or Ec, not that he respects EC.
It was a pleasant time and I was able to share with him how I feel more acceptant of my dad. The sadness, the hurt, the anger still exists but I don't have to over dramatise it. I don;t need to share it everywhere. I don;t need to act out. So far anyway.
And then at work I have been light and breezy. She brought up the fact that we haven't sorted out our differences and said that's why she doesn't get on with me when learning that I am a Gemini. She is a Taurus. But in the main I have deferred to her everytime I have heard her resistance and a battle starting. And I have also remained me. Only this afternoon did I feel scratchy and it slipped out sideways when a client was relapsing by eating biscuits. I had seen him make a mad dash from the gathering outside. I had actually thought he as coming to get his phone so took the box outside only to discover him with his face filled with biscuit. He laughed afterwards probably nervously and I said "you've relapsed". I said no more and could have said that he needed to talk to his peer group about this. I didn't.I noticed then that I was feeling disappointed but also tired from the week and I wanted to get home. I did and then on to my meeting. What laughs we have there.

I don't recall precise details over the next few days so some of this may appear sketchy considering I am thinking this to be a week of a lot of progress in change. Just for today huh!!

I think I've probably skipped a lot of the little parts of me that have come into the consciousness. It's a real proud moment when a person grows before my eyes including myself. I feel so very fortunate. Thank you God.

Off to sleep as my eyes are drooping heavily and I have to keep reading what I've written as I'm almost asleep.

Goodnight
Bliss
XX

Boggled and befuddled. What to do? And how to do whatever it is I am to do?

God please guide me.

I have thought over my meeting with the HD (Hospital Director) F yeserday. It was good to be listened to without fighting silly corporate management event hoguh she can only advise from a silly management point of view. I knew that of her but also know that she hears an has strong boundaries that she tuns the hospital to having worked with her before.
I also know I cannot change L. It's pretty hard to pin down exact things she does as well.
For instance yesterday she was asking about a client and something I said disagreed slightly with her. Then she turned. She seemed to goad me into a discussion and it's as if she pulls the rug from under my feet suddenly and unexpectedly.
The discussion started about this clients food. He had identified a problem and asked for help rather being told. Now it seems that if anyone is making good progress with a client she wants to usurp what ever is being done I think.
Anyway so there we  were talking about his food but I said that's great however what he is not addressing is his avoidance. She asked questions about this and I was explaining his patterns and suggestions which are completely out of her own experiences of change I believe. So then she started talking about this book she read recently which is actually questioning codependency as a phenomena and that people get labelled. The problem is L thinks that if we identify something we are labelling them but I think she bases this on her own way of labelling. I constantly forget this and so when we discuss something I need to not do this. She labels people with judgements. I and a few others use labels as a moving hypothesis and not a completeness of the person.
But when I use them she seems to want to argue me as being wrong. And this is what happened yesterday. I then get argumentative in the past. But remembered yesterday to simply say that sounds interesting and would love to read the book too. I suggested a couple of books that she might find interesting to enhance what she has read and get other view points.
So you see there are all these subtleties going on that I think I would find impossible to back up in a mediated meeting. I did state yesterday that in my opinion she is uncertain and at times out of her depth and I regret saying that.
But I truly believe it. It's a little like N really. Someone way out of their depth, fighting their corner by lashing out at everyone else to cover their fear. There is no way to compete against that. So I'm now not sure if mediation is correct .
What I'd like is to find a way to manage my emotional reactions, to find a way to be me regardless and be able to face the consequences (I am doing that more and more), find a way to let this go over my head and far away, find a way to be friendly, adaptable, flexible and cooperative with a smile and with ease. LET GO!

When there are ethical things for me to question like sponsoring a client, like judgements and behaviours that seem detrimental etc I can raise these issues with N and let them decide what they want to do. If I am only raising that kind of thing rather than my personal difficulties then I leave it in their hands.
As I said yesterday it could be about simply leaving my personal things at home. Get on with the job as best I can. Stand up for myself when she starts throwing things around the office or being exceptionally loud or disagreeable.
Wow if I could do all of those things I would be much happier. That's really what I want.
I already know it's about separating personal from professional. And thankfully I've got you and FA and so on for good support with my personal feelings.
It's just now finding the ways to do what I want to achieve.

For today I have left it with F that I am thinking about the options presented to me.
I will continue seeing Occ Health. Just to keep an eye on my own health and fitness. I of course have regular supervision and now some extra supervision agreed to continue my clinical health and fitness checks.

Hmmmm - I think I can sort of see a way forward from time to time. I think my meeting yesterday with  was a tad moany but also stating my difficulties.
I mentioned some of the ethical things I question. Now that is over to them to observe if they want to or not.

In the meantime I would like to work towards being a helpful and supportive member of the team. How do I do that?
I need to just listen to her more as that is what she seems to need. She needs to be right so I can let her - drop my pride.
I can keep checking with her what she wants done, state what seems to be the days clinical agenda and ask her what she wants me to cover. She seems to want to be fully in control of everything so let her again drop my pride and my need to have any input.
I nee to say when I think something seems unethical but I need a way to say that that is surely me questioning and not sounding accusational - any ideas.
Such as a situation arising when she decides to sponsor a client. Or perhaps I should simply leave it as if I question anything at all she flips her lid and then the rest of the week it's punishing again and argumentative over every little thing.
I do need to speak up when there is so much noise in the office and when she speaks to me in nasty tones. Sometimes I don't notice until afterwards though. My fear keeps me in a sort of closed down state. It's very weird to observe in myself. I don't something is really bad until afterwards, like I go into a shock state of stillness and fear.
But I can say afterwards that I found something out of order for me. I think I will say that about the board rubber in supervision today. And the noise in the office.
Raising my head above the parapet scares the living daylights out of me because there is usually some kind of retaliation. But then I need to hear whatever comes back as useful feedback. There is bound to be degrees of truth in it. After all I am aware things that I do or say can be equally has annoying or unpleasant and it's finding a way for all of these personalities to be together in a small room for so many hours per day that's the greatest challenge in life.
I really really don't like working in an office where there is a high level of noise and I also don;t want nor need to hear loads of stories about her. I am not interested to be honest because I don't really like her but I can't say that.

Hmmm so lots of thoughts. Changing thoughts and ideas. They don't represent me as a person but are ideas that have entered my mind in the moments. Any thoughts or ideas of your own would be appreciated.
I valued your input yesterday and got me thinking about asking S what support she might be able to give me was useful. I will ask my supervisor the same question. I think they can be of valuable support whether I choose to stay and be or whether I choose to go for the mediation. I feel more inclined at the moment to go the first of those two. But it could simply be fear based. No doubt L is feeling firey knowing I had a meeting with F anyway and will be on the attack.
I need ways of speaking with her that keep the focus on me. I try that many different ways and so far haven't fund a way that is effective with L. She takes everything so personally and is utterly sensitive that it is fired back as an attack with a viciousness that catches each of us unawares. Thankfully everyone has been caught up in the same surprising line of fire. Maybe there isn't a way of saying anything to her. S gets very jokey with her and that can at times seem to work. It feels so false to me that I have refused so far to got hat route. Maybe it is the only way  be pally and jokey.
But then I see S gets drawn into other things that she then has  to get nasty about to bring to a halt.
Phew so flipping complicated.
I hope never to be this difficult to be with.

God please help me to retain my abstinence today in every shape and form. I realised I left a lie message on my sponsors answer machine and need to own that with her. I pick up lies like I picked up food - automatically. I felt scared that I'd got it wrong. Bless my scared little soul. And instead of saying that I had not had an alarm to tell me to call and got carried away with deep thinking and other things. Also I am tired after a couple of strange calls through the night. Then I burnt a pan this morning being all too easily distracted. IN fact I burnt the pan twice. I am just not focused and need to regain myself and remain conscious. I am already late leaving so gotta go!

I will add that I was distracted last night with M/s and the whole drawing in of being a slave and totally possessed. I masturbated and feel sickened by this part of me. It's too difficult to understand and I am sure that it was an escape from feeling vulnerable and uncertain. I then was texting JH the M of the M/s this morning as he is visiting the UK and it all tied in. Too easily distracted with this rather than focusing on what I am finding tricky times. I don't like myself much either for not knowing how to deal with the situation at work. I tell myself I should know better. And I feel so insecure in my work immediately upon her return. And I think I am so closed minded in my defence of that. Grrr.
Gently does it. God please be with me. Let me bring you into my day today.
Bliss
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