Jealousy

8 Healthy Ways to Deal with Jealousy

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor

Jealousy isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s human nature. It’s natural to feel jealous from time to time.
Jealousy becomes problematic “when we act out in jealousy or we wallow in it,” said Christina Hibbert, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in Flagstaff, Ariz.
It becomes problematic when it starts to consume you and “creeps into every aspect of your life,” said Kathy Morelli, LPC, a psychotherapist with a marriage and family counseling practice in Wayne, N.J. And you find yourself feeling bitter and angry often, she said.
One of the most common types of jealousy is romantic jealousy, she said. We also tend to feel jealous about others’ successes, strengths, lifestyles and relationships, Hibbert said.

For instance, we might believe someone’s life is much easier or more comfortable than ours. “We see only the good in their life and only the ‘bad’ in ours.” Or we might believe our best friend has a better relationship with another friend.
Social networking sites – such as Facebook – also can trigger jealousy. “[T]oday our online and offline worlds overlap, so there’s a lot more confusion and complexity in relationships and more ways to compare ourselves to others,” Morelli said.
Insecurity often underlies jealousy. “We feel threatened, or less than or not good enough,” Hibbert said. “[W]e fear that someone else’s strengths mean something negative about us.”
(Jealously also may be the result of your earlier experiences . But more on that later.)
Below, you’ll find general tips for dealing with jealousy, along with specific suggestions for jealousy in romantic relationships.

Tips for Romantic Relationships

Assess your relationship.
“The best way to overcome jealousy is to first take a look at your romantic relationship,” Morelli said. For instance, consider if your relationship is built on trust, respect and love, and if your partner’s behavior reflects their words, she said.
Are they honest with you? If they’re not, naturally, this can trigger or perpetuate your insecurities, said Morelli, also author of the books BirthTouch® for Pregnant and Postpartum Couples, Perinatal Mental Illness for Childbirth Professionals, and Healing for Parents in the NICU.
“If you are in an insecure relationship, expect to have your jealousy buttons pushed. But no one can tell you what to do. If you stay, most likely you’ll feel bad and jealous sometimes.”
Assess yourself.
If you’re in a secure and solid relationship, and you’re still feeling jealous, look at yourself and explore your own experiences.
“Research on the subject of jealousy in a romantic relationship indicates that a person’s basic attachment style underlies their tendencies towards jealous reactions,” Morelli said.
People who developed secure attachments in their early years – between themselves and their caregivers – tend to be less jealous and dependent, have higher self-esteem and have less feelings of inadequacy than people with an insecure attachment style, she said.
Morelli suggested asking yourself these questions:

• “Do you have a pervasive feeling of emptiness or lack of self-worth?
• How was your relationship with your early caregivers?
• Was the atmosphere in your home warm and loving sometimes, but also critical?
• Were you raised in a repressive atmosphere?
• Were your early caregivers unreliable?”

Attachment style is malleable, she said. Later experiences and circumstances can influence your style. For instance, a skilled therapist can help you build self-esteem and work through your concerns.
Seek out other support.
Have interests outside your relationship, Morelli said. Talk to a friend about your jealous feelings, “but don’t do this to the exclusion of talking to your partner.”

General Tips

Recognize your jealousy.
“When we name the jealousy, it loses its power, because we are no longer letting it shame us,” Hibbert said. Acknowledging that you’re jealous opens the door to learning, she said.
Learn from your jealousy.
We can use feelings of jealousy as inspiration to grow, said Hibbert, also author of the book This is How We Grow. For instance, you realize that the reason you get jealous every time your friend plays her guitar is because that’s also something you’d like to do. Rather than wallowing in that jealousy, you sign up for guitar lessons, she said.
Let it go.
Tell yourself that you don’t need this emotion in your life, and you’re relinquishing it, Hibbert said. Then “breathe deeply, and imagine it flowing through you like the wind. Repeat as often as it takes to truly let it go.”
Manage your emotions healthfully.  
“Practice mindfulness to calm your runaway emotions,” Morelli said. For instance, she suggested readers tune into your body to identify how you’re feeling, take several deep breaths and try to detach from the intensity of those emotions.
If your jealousy involves your romantic relationship, share your feelings with your partner after you calm down, she said.
To process your emotions, she also suggested journaling, dancing to your favorite music and taking a walk.
Remind yourself of your positive traits.
Hibbert gave this example: “She is really good at playing with her kids, and I’m not so good. But I’m great at reading to them, and they love that about me.” This reminds us that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, she said.
Again, jealousy is a normal reaction. It becomes problematic when it becomes persistent. When you find yourself feeling jealous, recognize what’s happening and delve deeper into your relationships and yourself.

Each other

Bliss, do you realize that living the life of your dreams is not something you can do without me nor that I can do without you?

Awesome, and that the things I can do to make that happen, you cannot? While the things you can do, I cannot?

That's big. Especially the very last bit.

Do your things, Pamela.

Tallyho,
    The Universe

Accountability page

It feels a little strange writing this knowing someone I know might read it. It's always been fine that S read it in the past. Why is that different. She knows everything. I wrote it with knowledge that it's "out there" and yet it's also been a private place to download feelings and thoughts.

Anyhow I will put all concerns aside and continue to write ...

Pulling out of a tailspin yesterday was quite something. After a lifetime of crashing into despair and all the chaos that can bring, being safe and sound without having to depend on anyone but HP has been a very nice feeling. I would use words such as amazing and wonderful, words to really sound excitable by. But reality has been simply "ah I'm okay". And that seems right. It's as if that been there always and fits well. I think this is how it should be. I think this is what's been missing, the KNOWING.
Somehow I just didn't get shown how to console myself. And so feelings felt terrifying. Sometimes there was terror. My mum would even mock me for the ways I would sit in my bedroom and sob, watching myself in the mirror. She didn't know it was the way I detached from myself and gradually wouldn't hurt anymore. I do not blame or resent my mum and dad. They just did what they did to their best. My dad was "a bit fucked up!", that's all. And so now after all these years I've been learning how to take care of myself, not just cope but really to be able to assuage not suppress, comfort not detach. I really felt the presence of my HP as the tailspin quickly seemed to be out of control. I just saw the glimmer of God, a goldness amidst the dark and I reached out. And then there was no chaos, no outbreak of insane behaviours. Certainly a vulnerability but I was steady again.
Thank you God and with a beaming smile.

I am concerned that I've created a sense in others that I need looking after. Ironic really as it's what I spent a lifetime trying to find and of course constantly let down on because no one can and really it's not what I want. With it comes control and rebellion and dysfunction and eventual discord.
I am not precious and even though I have moments of true frailty, I am merely vulnerable and have a steady inner strength to draw from. It was an absolute realisation that I do NEED anyone but of course I need support. I don't know if the difference is made clear in the way I've put that but I know what I mean. It's just an all knowingness (I don't think that word actually exists but it's a sense thing) that actually everything is and will be okay. Gosh! My general sense of fear is lifting.
So much has altered in this past year. So much has altered in the past 2 and half years in FA. When I thought I worked a good programme FA has shown me there is still more to have and it's just better and better. Such gratitude within me is uplifting. Thank you God.

I have faltered on ACT in recent days. I have not put any action in. The block is putting together the content for the presentation on 25th Feb and with that slides. However, the logo is now done and ready. How flipping exciting.
My profile is uploaded onto the Counselling Directory and can be found in the Haslemere area. I am just awaiting confirmation of the room hire. JB has very kindly lent me some dough to pay for the insurance, the CRB check and start a mailing campaign. I need to make some liaisons with local GP surgeries and see if they would consider me for referrals. That needs time of which I have little. If I could secure this weekly evening talk that might prove fruitful, one never knows. Do I buy a projector with the money I've been lent? Or do I wait and see? Small problem really but a concern nonetheless.
In a way I should have kept a record of how things have unfolded. Along the way so many people have been a party to this becoming what it is.
I had been thinking more about the possibility when I had my Sunday night stay at Champney's with S of FA. And then meeting with L and chatting through some of the techniques I use in a therapy session, she was thrilled and enthralled and encouraged me to think about what I'd need to do to get this underway. All along there is a feeling of guilt about PD. Still though I talked about the idea with AK on our lovely day walking and taking photos. She also was enthralled about the way that I conduct my therapy. I think I do as good a job as I can with the tools that I have. I want to keep learning and improving as a therapist. I want only ever to do the very best for my clients. I was having moans about PD though and the way he is practising at present. I was using this as the reason to start up but really that's bullshit. It contributes to having the energy and enthusiasm, but it's not THE reason.

 

So having felt encouraged by L and AK. So I enquired with S of FA about the contact she has at Champney's and in a moment of utter madness, I sent an email. He replied with enthusiasm about weekly presentation on the subject of food and exercise addiction. And then decided to invite me to make the presentation to him and some colleagues to see if it's suitable for their product. We negotiated an hourly rate and so a date was fixed. 25th Feb. Bloody hell the business existed. No name, no anything. In the meantime I had met DW on PoF. I had a discussion with him about this idea and he enthused more, encouraging me and offering to hep with a website and promotion etc. And so here I am with a name and logo all thanks to CT, brilliant artist. ACT Addiction Counselling and Therapy exists. MW had mentioned an emerald and flawed emeralds being the best. Emerald is my birthstone and suddenly resonated deeply with a connection to my mum. She gave me an emerald ring once. I have it but have never worn it. It has a flawed emerald in it. But the name just didn't sound right. But when Christine and I started working on the name and logo we both liked the idea of an art deco style, the name seemed to come with me fluffing around with words and then suddenly there is was "ACT" and the emerald is incorporated in style into the logo. It remains important even though a couple of people have said they don't like that bit.
And here we are. A bit stuck now!
Oh and then JB offered to lend me the money as I start to really have to put down some costs. Pay CT for her work despite her not wanting any money. She has none so I'm glad to find a way to contribute a little towards her big trip, even though it's a meagre amount. I need to purchase insurance although I've thought why bother when I don't have any clients. At least it's not urgent right at this moment. And I also need to get a CRB check underway. I don't know if I need to register the company or not?? And I need to ask some guidance from an accountant. Not followed through with that yet.
BUT I am a tad stuck. With a heap of study backlog to catch up on and a big essay to start ready for hand in next Tuesday.
From hereon it will be head down and back to using Cow Parsley and Honesty as a half hour to feel and then get back to it.
Which is what I'm going to do now.

Oh and I need a business plan by 7th march to enter the OU competition with cash prizes for new businesses. I need a USP beyond just addiction. I think that is the group work and workshops I want to incorporate into ACT.

Right back to it

Bliss
xx
 

Dedicated to all the unknown victims, known and unknown

There are times when I think I have to be truly insane. Things just don't make sense.
Spending 461 years in Spring Creek Correctional Centre, Robert Hansen abducted and killed a lot of women. The bodies of 11 were only ever found.
One of his abductees told her story contributing to the film The Frozen Ground. I've just watched it. It coincides with having been "courting" in modern day ways, i.e. Skype with DW. He's a very nice man. I find myself just not believing that to be true but so wanting it to be. Amongst many films this was one he downloaded for me, completely innocent of my past. Not that I have been abducted but I've been to dark corners, corners I would not wish for anyone. In this film Cindy says to the cop and I paraphrase "all my life since I was young, I really wanted a chance to believe someone . When they say everything's going to be okay, they're actually telling the truth. It's okay to ask isn't it?"
As these words were creeping in, they landed somewhere profound. I found myself crying and crying, repeating over and over "it's not him, it's not him." I meant by this that I cannot expect it to be DW. It wasn't GS. He couldn't be believable. It can't be anyone. I think somehow I am believing MW is believable. It's not that he says it will be okay in any way I'd like it to be. It never can you see. Things have happened. That never ever can be changed. My mum said everything would be okay in the morning. Always she said to think about the flowers growing. I used to see flowers on a grave. I never told her.
I feel panic subsiding as I'm writing this. I am so relieved to have God now in my life because even in those moments of panic setting in I could just hear God. Only just but I could hear God nonetheless. I do have God whom I can believe that whatever happens everything will be okay. Even in death. I do not have to be in those terrifying places anymore but I am scared. I take the risk every time. It's always a risk, no assurances. I absolutely know that now. After all these years, searching, searching for that someone I could believe in.
Psychologically I have studied enough to know that psyche has been affected. Whether all or any of the theories are the truth or not, it's there, never to go away. I sense with my recent client there is something deep and sinister but I didn't want to believe it. I spoke with S from FA and she talked my language of this believing once but not believing now that these awful things happened. Feeling things in my body, slipping into trauma so easily. I am so relieved that SC helped to find ways to stabilise myself. This could easily have been a trip back into the red room.
Thank you God for always being there. I don't know what I believe but I believe it will all be okay even if that's death. I am not afraid of that. I guess I am not even afraid of being injured anymore. It's happened and so what?

How funny this is all squashed down now as I've received a text from a friend. This friend is the one whose sister was murdered when we were both 17 yrs of age. It still haunts me. My friend tends to have blanked things out and this works for her. I truly believe that these things sit in our psyche somewhere. But maybe I'm wrong and for some people they never have to take another look. Who knows?

My panic and hurt is gone with a simple text. Another person I cannot tell. I was writing this entry and wondering who I wanted to talk to, knowing I want someone to know how it feels. Really to find someone who can identify to see if how I feel is real. It's sad I need to find someone outside of me to know whether these feelings and reactions are real. So sad.

God, I pray for all the victims to find freedom in their souls.

Off to study

Bliss
xx

 

Put the meaning into the experience of life you have

I was given this gift this morning, that I can put the meaning into the experiences I have in life. Wow! It blew me away.
It's in relation to having met a man on a flipping online dating site. I am ashamed to admit this. Funnily enough I had met him online once before. He happens to be in AA and so he turned up at a meeting. I was with RB, I was not in FA at the time so feeling awful about myself and assumed that the twinkle he showed was for her. She is a stunner so why not. I was fat and dowdy in my eyes.
Well today I am attractive. I am comfortable being me.
And so with L sending me texts saying that he'd have me for breakfast and saying he bets I'm looking stunning when I am talking about the stunning last slither of the old moon, with Venus shining brightly at the back, I am now chuckling as D from FA said this is what men do. It's natural they test the water, immediately wanting sex. And all I have to do is be me anyway. I was thinking oh noooo. I was feeling disappointed. I was confused as to whether to join in, ignore his comments and then feel disgusted with him. I just didn't know what to do. D from FA has made it all clear. It's just what he does and all I have to do is be me. So I have sent a text acknowledging what he's said and thanking him even though he doesn't even know me. He's not met the real me of today. So how can he know I look stunning from a photo online? Ha ha ha. I said it's utterly delightful that here I am awwwwing about the moon and he wants to eat me for breakfast. How incredibly funny. I ended the text with a kiss. I hope he gets it.
How free I feel. How unshackled. I do not need to be either ashamed or afraid of liking contact with a man and finding out about him. Be me and see if he is special enough for an us. I do not have to think he's special nor him me. Just if the liaison between us is. And if not. No hard feelings. it's all a bit of fun. It doesn't need to be intense.
So thank you God.


Bliss
XXX

Jealousy and insecurity

I have a strong feeling that PD is acting childishly and spitefully in his insecurity. Now, in general, I find PD to be a generous and kind man with people. He has been generous with me and supportive too. So, it is with this background knowledge through experience that I then doubt what I think I am experiencing now. What am I experiencing now? Well in recent weeks he has blamed me for his insecurity, this is in our field of work. And he has told me to slow down. This is a ridiculous thing to ask of me from my point of view. I am studying and practicing to improve and here is someone telling me not to develop myself because it affects them. It went around and around last time we had clinical supervision and thankfully it was witnessed so that I realised I was not mad. There was no situation for PD other than me not to be me. That cannot happen anymore. And then his other solutions were not possible by his own admission leaving us in a nowhere to go hole!
And now he's taken lectures and workshops off the schedule. He was previously saying that he is feeling left behind on these too. I was so excited about having created them on topics he'd already created his own. I am not a leader of design, I can simply take an idea and make it work for me, adjust it to my way of presenting things. And then in his insecurity he lashes out and punishes by removing it from the curriculum.
Yet he says publicly that I'm the boss and what I say goes. It is so the opposite. Only when he asks does he even take the slightest bit of notice. It's better than it used to be because he does ask. We do things differently, so I try not to be hyper0critical because it's not the way I do things. Instead I try to see the point he is making and whether it does the job according to him. It's not easy though.
I compare myself though and come out as believing I am more self-aware than PD and this always, always precedes a mighty fall! Of the sort than can devastate me. My confidence gets knocked. So, I am attempting to not compare with him and instead be pleased with my increasing self-awareness. Keep the focus on me and what I am or am not doing. I can be super critical of self or super egotistical. The flip side of the same coin.
My part has involved thinking better of myself than PD and feeling critical, which I'm pretty certain he will have picked up on even if it's not clearly evident. I can sense that criticism in others even when it's said with a smile. We are intuitive people, all of us. And listing to those intuitions is important but just as important is what we do with them. I know in my addiction the intuition within me got all muddled up. But now and with time it is becoming more of a guidance. Not that "I KNOW", but there are little signs that I pick up on and need to take heed of and explore.
Mt fear is what holds me back from exploring my intuition. I know that something is going on with PD now. He is trying to tell me something but I'm not sure what it is. I hear his insecurity and he seems to be attempting to say something but not directly. He seems to be less blaming on the outside but looking for absolutes to explain his behaviour and attitude.
Another thing I have noticed increasingly, is that I react badly to someone telling me how I feel. There is one person, S, in FA who often says you sound angry. I think there is some projection or something going on there. But also I wonder what it is about me that leads her to make this assumption? Yesterday PD said I looked perky. It feels manipulative, as if that's how he wants me to be feeling so if he says it I will be. He couldn't have been further from the truth either. I had been really anti being at work yesterday, feeling tired and really not wanting to engage with him much, drained by what feels like pure stress and heightened control. That's my judgment of things  and all I can do is assess how I am rather than pointing fingers at him. So within the situation I noticed I ma less tolerant and really quite critical. I am exhausted and just didn't want to have to deal with it all. This suggests to me I am trying to hard, maybe not setting boundaries and to be honest I am unsure as to what the boundaries are that I need to set.
I became conscious that I often felt manipulated by my dad. He would say and do things in a similar way, telling me how I need to think or what I should say, but not with needs and should, rather telling me that was what I was thinking or about to say. It would cause a reaction then too. I would get infuriated and actually I would explode in one way or another. I would either explode at him trying to break free from what felt like shackles that he put me in. Or I'd break free out of view. I have a strong image of leaving the house, mum and dad's house, driving to the chemist, buying a supply of laxatives and a bottle of diet coke, taking them in the car and then zooming off to London to party in someway with some man or other. Of course, I'd have lied to them saying I needed to get off home now, pleading with good sense, i.e. weather or traffic or an early night before work, when in fact usually my dad would be despairing because I rarely did the sensible thing. They surely would have known too that they were being conned!!
Now with PD I need to discover a way of handling these assumptions he makes without being obstreperous and immediately fighting with the absolute opposite. It doesn't feel good as I become extreme and if he's putting the positive slant then I put the absolute darkest negative, which I hasten t add is an exaggerated version to make my point and regain power of myself. I would like to say something like "oh really, what makes you think that?" But what I really want to get to is what it is he's trying to manipulate and why. How can I find out God what's really going on?
Maybe I can say simply that - you seem to be telling me how you think I am.... nah! Sounds too much like a therapist talking. I need some guidance please God.
I am rather drained and worn down by the interactions. Most of the time now I am aware of his high stress levels and tolerate as a practice. I keep my mouth closed often because to be honest there isn't much to say and anything I could say might be antagonistic in the moment.
I do feel that PD is much more directive with people yet he doesn't think he is. He says he is reflective. It's as if he's changed the meaning of that word to suit what he does rather than change what he does. And it's all well and good observing him in this way but who's observing me without criticism. LK just saw me as a bad practioner and no doubt used my leaving as a great way to tarnish my name amongst those who would listen. And here she is on unexpected annual leave. Due back from a holiday I wonder what will happen next. I wonder if we will know.
I do not think I am all good but I am also no longer dwelling in feeling all bad or high ego. I am open to valued criticism but thgere are some folk who's opinion I value more than others because they see tings without judgment. This is useful lessons

Seeing in the future

Chris Difford from Squeeze headed up the main band, with Andy Bell, guitarist from Oasis. I don't recall who the female singer was, I'm pretty sure they said the backing singer for Beyoncé.
It was a good evening on a number of levels for me. The music was okay, the fact that I even went was better than okay. In the past I would not have wanted to go because of social nerves and not feeling good enough about myself. I was able to walk around chatting to people, going over to people and saying hello and then moving on. It was amazing how D came over saying she had heard I was there. How amazing is that? It was lovely speaking with AK and her friend V. V is so delightful a person, so friendly and open. CT is 30 years my junior and just sort of hung around with me - love her.  I saw some ex clients V,W,S. And then a couple of days later at work my client BM called after a few weeks of silence with a broken ankle. She had been to dinner with S. Somehow that's lovely.
New Years Fay I was like a slug. I didn't want to do anything. It's odd. I used to stay up all hours and yes there would be an effect hut these days I feel so so tired. I'm almost permanently tired these days. It's nice though having days off and being permitted by myself then that I can stay up as late as I want.
Back to work on the Tuesday to have supervision and en get the mailing of the New Years card out. I do t like the card, it's as if we are mocking the drunk. I don't like taking the Mickey out of people.
Supervision was interesting. Both PD and I said that we didn't have any client matters to discuss so jokingly I said why don't we have a group session and PD said he didn't want to. However, it cleverly encase that anyway. I can't remember what started it off. Oh yes PT raised something about my feelings I. Group. My difficulty in facing matters that have arisen with two clients in particular that I've found difficult,t to be straight with and as I talked about it, it was obvious to me that I needed to be more direct and less emotional, fearful.
Then PT asked if there were some little things up my sleeve, to which I said yes and this was when PD raised his issue with me doing things that are off his norm. Basically it is his insecurity that he is blaming me for. And when I spoke he started heatedly saying I was sounding defensive. Thankfully PT stepped in and said in fairness it was him that was sounding defensive. PD became really angry with PT, and actually was angry with me too but refrained from that. PT had not backed him up I. Fact further challenged him. Because basically new a saying I didnt need to change but I did need to keep him informed but the. There is not time tom keep informed. So PT pointed out that he asking of me to do the impossible. It felt demos cent of the LK days. Being blamed for something that was actually someone else's insecurity. And this happend often. PT affirmed me in a way for the experience I'd had at the priory and standing my ground. I expressed my concern for PD as he gradually acknowledged his insecurity. I said that I'm worried and that he needs more than work and home to bed. Work is everything and even his recovery is snot happening. He was kiss ting though by this time. I became tearful for so e reason because I was able to say that he is a good therapist and that it was his insecurity that he needed to deal with and not my therapy that's the issue. He was very kind too saying that he wanted the best and wants me to carry on progressing but he feels left behind. I said how often I come away from group thinking the clients like him better than me but know it's my insecurity and have to deal with that and I'd never want him to  change because I can't cope with the way he is. Yet I do feel he is too prescriptive. He tells people what to feel and what to do. That.s not my style and people love him. Yet I do feel he needs to tamper that.
So I want entirely honest. I know he's incredibly stressed. And with the threat of flooding this weekend it's even more of a threat to the business. I'm not sure he would come back from that. I hope that it doesn't flood.

Bliss
Xx