Broken Hearted

I have over eaten this evening. Two things have triggered this - the first is that I wasn't hungry at my evening meal time and so I went out without eating and returned home hungry. BUt that hunger was fuelled by the deep, deep hurt having decided to call my dad.
A couple of people have asked if I called in a mission of sabotage. It is possible. I won;t rule it out but I think there is also a drive to make peace within my soul. I am much more acceptant that there will not be a closeness between us. I wouldn't want to be close to the man he is right now. However, I do think I am closer to telling him how I feel - I feel hurt and the sorrow is so deep. I am sorry that so much damage runs between us and there is nothing of any depth when we do meet - he is unable to deal with emotions and I am too scared to tell him my feelings anyway.

I felt closer after the call to phoning him back and telloing him that I am hurt. I bottled out. I rellay think though this is where I will get peace. Is it wrong to get my peace through my truth knowing that it will cause him such angst. Is that fair and right? Yet here I am with a broken heart and that's not fair either.
I believe I need to make peace with my soul whatever that means my dad will throw back at me. It is more likely than not going to hurt as he is incapable of showing anything but deep anger and it comes out in violence or more likely viscious words. That's how it will be more than likely. I think I can take it - I am stronger I think.

I went to see Foy Vance playing - but I found the company shallow in the frame of mind I was in. I left and came home - all that money - petrol, ticket etc what a waste of money. But my sanity seems more important.

And now it is time for an early night. New job starts tomorrow. I feel slightly nervous - it seems unreal at this very moment.
Night
Dad - it hurts that you have no desire to see me or to have more than occassional contact with me. It hurts that you don't seem to like me at all. It hurts that nothing I do means anything to you. It hurts that all you can see is bad in me.
I am not a bad person. I am human. I am not like you. I am damaged through your behaviour. I forgice you as I know you are urely deeple damaged yoruself. You didn;t know any different. How sad I am that you must be hurting so much in your heart and soul. I wish nothing but peace for you. It doesn't stop me hurting though. I realise that things will never be any differetn between us. Just so long as you know that my heart aches to be able to love you and to receive your love in return. I know your soul loves me just as I am.
I am trying to learn to see beyond your prejudices of me and beginning to see that I am an OK person - I am loveable just as I am.
Night dad. Sleep peacefully and forgive yourself. Love to you
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