Wow - it just washed over me suddenly, the reality that I will not be seeing clients H and L ever again. They wanted me to call yesterday to say goodbye but I decided not to having said goodbye on Tuesday. It felt as if I was trying to manipulate a leaving pressie from them. I wanted them to show how much they had enjoyed meeting with me each week.
I know it doesn't matter who they get their equipment and chat to about their problems so it was more pertinent not to call them.
I just felt the reality of never seeing them though and it was a horrid glimpse of the feeling.
It went away as quickly as it washed over. It's these little emotions that I have spent so many eyars not allowing myself to feel.
I do understand.
I am learning more.
It's OK to feel these things. I feel ashamed too of wanting them to like me - but I can allow myself the thoughts and the feelings and it's OK the great thing is that acknowledging these truths I can ensure I don;t act out on them. I an share the real me with my blog, my friends that I have learnt to get honest with and with whom I can openly discuss any judgements that are made and also whom I can say that I don't need feedback or opiniosn if I don't want them.
Yep more distraction away from studying - but I think it's stuff like this that is blocking y studying anyway.
Oh another thing I wasn't comfortable with was the results from the dyslexia assessment. It's great news that I am not dyslexic, horrid confirmation of dyscalculia - I interpret that to mean a dimwith mathematically but know that's not the case for eveyone else. BUT when she used the description of average - aaaaaargh - me average! I know I am but I hate to be labelled it. I want to be above average and spend so much time trying to prove I am above average yet sharing how comfy I am being just an average person - "another bod on the bus" and not needing to be a somebody - the reality is that that is not true at all. I want to be a somebosy otherwise I consider myself a nobody! It's still mighty strong in me isn't
I know it doesn't matter who they get their equipment and chat to about their problems so it was more pertinent not to call them.
I just felt the reality of never seeing them though and it was a horrid glimpse of the feeling.
It went away as quickly as it washed over. It's these little emotions that I have spent so many eyars not allowing myself to feel.
I do understand.
I am learning more.
It's OK to feel these things. I feel ashamed too of wanting them to like me - but I can allow myself the thoughts and the feelings and it's OK the great thing is that acknowledging these truths I can ensure I don;t act out on them. I an share the real me with my blog, my friends that I have learnt to get honest with and with whom I can openly discuss any judgements that are made and also whom I can say that I don't need feedback or opiniosn if I don't want them.
Yep more distraction away from studying - but I think it's stuff like this that is blocking y studying anyway.
Oh another thing I wasn't comfortable with was the results from the dyslexia assessment. It's great news that I am not dyslexic, horrid confirmation of dyscalculia - I interpret that to mean a dimwith mathematically but know that's not the case for eveyone else. BUT when she used the description of average - aaaaaargh - me average! I know I am but I hate to be labelled it. I want to be above average and spend so much time trying to prove I am above average yet sharing how comfy I am being just an average person - "another bod on the bus" and not needing to be a somebody - the reality is that that is not true at all. I want to be a somebosy otherwise I consider myself a nobody! It's still mighty strong in me isn't
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